1. Erectile dysfunction is a factCopy !req
2. of life.Copy !req
3. You want to show her you love herCopy !req
4. but you're old and so is she.Copy !req
5. Next time that moment comesCopy !req
6. don't let your sex drive fail youCopy !req
7. just because your wife looks like
a shrivelled prune.Copy !req
8. Fake it, with CialisCopy !req
9. it won't make her any hotterCopy !req
10. but it you not care for up to 3 hoursCopy !req
11. and then you can still have your own
separate bathtub from her later on.Copy !req
12. Hey, Sheila, do you like
having some fun?Copy !req
13. Ooh... Did the Cialis commercial
turn you on again?Copy !req
14. How about I put on the uniform?Copy !req
15. Oh, Gerald.Copy !req
16. What do you think?
You know you like it.Copy !req
17. Oh, hello.Copy !req
18. Ups, ma'am.Copy !req
19. I have a package from
Amazon for you.Copy !req
20. Oh, dear.
But I'm barely dressed.Copy !req
21. If you will just sign right here.Copy !req
22. Oh, you're so rough with
me Mr. ups man.Copy !req
23. - You like your package, ma'am?
- Yes!Copy !req
24. Do it harder, ups man.Copy !req
25. Ike, what's the matter?Copy !req
26. Dude, you've been
crying all morning.Copy !req
27. What's going on?Copy !req
28. Oh, my gosh, Ike,
are you sure about this?Copy !req
29. Yes, yes.Copy !req
30. Ike, this is a big deal.
You have to be absolutely 100%.Copy !req
31. I saw them Kyle, I saw them.Copy !req
32. Oh, no.Copy !req
33. You guys can't tell anybody, all right?Copy !req
34. Not until I figure out what to do.Copy !req
35. Dude, what happened?Copy !req
36. - Take a look.
- What's this?Copy !req
37. Ike found out last night.Copy !req
38. My mom is having sex
with the ups man.Copy !req
39. Wow. Dude, no way.Copy !req
40. Yeah, dude.Copy !req
41. But are you sure they had sex,
like sex, sex,Copy !req
42. like they actually had sex?Copy !req
43. Yeah, dude, full on,
I saw everything.Copy !req
44. It totally make sense now.Copy !req
45. My mom's been ordering all kinds
of stuff from Amazon latelyCopy !req
46. sometimes she doesn't even remember
what she's ordered.Copy !req
47. She has probably been having sex
with the ups man for a long time.Copy !req
48. - Are you going to tell your dad?
- I don't know.Copy !req
49. I feel like I should confront
my mom firstCopy !req
50. but it's so embarrassing.Copy !req
51. Kyle, have you stopped to think that
maybe the sex wasn't consensual?Copy !req
52. What?Copy !req
53. Isn't possible your mom
was raped by the ups man?Copy !req
54. We know nothing about this guy
and he shows up to all our houses.Copy !req
55. Think, what kind of sane, normal person,
would want to have sex with Kyle's mom?Copy !req
56. Cartman, not now.Copy !req
57. No, here me out you guys.Copy !req
58. Haven't you seen those commercials?Copy !req
59. Women these days get raped by perfectly
normal looking white guys in broad daylight.Copy !req
60. It may be too late for Kyle's momCopy !req
61. but I'm getting some goddamn security.Copy !req
62. Look... Look, the thing is do we tell
Gerald or do we just stay out of it?Copy !req
63. How do we tell him?Copy !req
64. Hey Gerald, sorry, but the UPS man isCopy !req
65. banging your wife.Copy !req
66. It's really none of our business.Copy !req
67. If my wife was having sexCopy !req
68. with the ups man I would
want you guys to tell me.Copy !req
69. How do you know she's not?Copy !req
70. I mean, think about it.Copy !req
71. This is a guy who visits all our
houses during the dayCopy !req
72. who clearly has a kind of insatiable lust.Copy !req
73. I mean somebody who would have sex withCopy !req
74. Kyle's mom would have sex
with just about anything.Copy !req
75. Oh, come on, he can't be trying that withCopy !req
76. all of our wives.Copy !req
77. Wouldn't be the first time.Copy !req
78. Yeah, there is to be price to be paid
of having things conveniently.Copy !req
79. Used to be, a man had to go to theCopy !req
80. store to buy himself
a pitcher of milk.Copy !req
81. Yeah, then men got lazy.Copy !req
82. They wanted that milk
delivered right to the door.Copy !req
83. Only problem was the guy
delivering that milk ends upCopy !req
84. Your wife.Copy !req
85. Sure, you had your nice, cold
milk delivered right to yourCopy !req
86. doorstep but your wife was getting
pounded out like a Mallard duck.Copy !req
87. And now you got your AmazonCopy !req
88. and the milk man's come back.Copy !req
89. And none you you are safe.Copy !req
90. And, so you need the motionCopy !req
91. detectors in the living room andCopy !req
92. the kitchen, the touch pads at
the front and rear doors andCopy !req
93. break-in monitors on allCopy !req
94. windows.Copy !req
95. I'm afraid those are not secured at all.Copy !req
96. Oh no, really?Copy !req
97. Oh, I'm sorry, but I really
don't think I can afford this.Copy !req
98. Mom, do you want to get raped?Copy !req
99. Haven't you seen the commercials?Copy !req
100. You can get raped by a white
guy these days, mom.Copy !req
101. Oh.Copy !req
102. Yes, unfortunately, it's not enough to
just be fearful of strangers these days.Copy !req
103. What do you mean?Copy !req
104. Well, many times houses areCopy !req
105. burglarized by someone
the victim knows.Copy !req
106. Oh my God, I knew it.Copy !req
107. Kyle is always taking my stuff.Copy !req
108. Just yesterday I couldn't
find my iPod headphones.Copy !req
109. That sneaky little Jew.Copy !req
110. We realize it's a lost money
Mrs. Cartman, but reallyCopy !req
111. how much is feeling secure in
your own home worth?Copy !req
112. Yeah, mom, that's dangerous people
out there trying to screw us bothCopy !req
113. don't you need to be
getting to work, ran?Copy !req
114. No, I think I'll just hang out
a little while longer.Copy !req
115. I'll get it.Copy !req
116. Hey there, looks like I've got a couple
of packages from Amazon for you.Copy !req
117. Oh, is that so?Copy !req
118. If I can just get your
signature right... There.Copy !req
119. Sure, Chad, is it?Copy !req
120. Thad.Copy !req
121. Thad, nice.Copy !req
122. You having a busy day?Copy !req
123. Oh, you know, just trying
to get to everyone.Copy !req
124. Yeah, I'll bet.Copy !req
125. - Well, have a good one.
- Yeah, you too, Thad.Copy !req
126. Hey, Sharon, these came for you.Copy !req
127. - Ooh, stuff from Amazon?
- Yeah. What are they?Copy !req
128. You know, to be honest,
I can't remember.Copy !req
129. You just ordered stuff of Amazon and
you can't remember what?Copy !req
130. Oh... yeah, these are the
paring knives I ordered.Copy !req
131. Sorry, I think I was
a little tippesy.Copy !req
132. This is the book Stan's been wanting.
Can you take it up to him?Copy !req
133. Yeah, sure, 'cause people just orderCopy !req
134. stuff from Amazon and forget what they got.Copy !req
135. Stan, you've got
something from Amazon.Copy !req
136. Aww shit!Copy !req
137. Of.Copy !req
138. GoddammitCopy !req
139. hello!Copy !req
140. This is Jeff with wolf home security.
Is everything all right?Copy !req
141. Yeah, sorry, I live here.Copy !req
142. I can't remember the code
to turn off the alarm.Copy !req
143. That's ok, do you have your security
pass phrase you can tell me?Copy !req
144. Yeah, my pass phrase isCopy !req
145. Kyle is a dirty no good Jew...Copy !req
146. No... Wait, Kyle is a
no good lying Jew.Copy !req
147. Ok, I've got something different here.Copy !req
148. Is it my friend Kyle is a no good dirty...Copy !req
149. Hang on, I've got it written
down here somewhere.Copy !req
150. - No problem.
- Sorry about this.Copy !req
151. It's all right, it happens all the time.Copy !req
152. Ok, thanks... Wait, hang on a second,
what do you mean that's all right?Copy !req
153. What if I was somebody trying toCopy !req
154. rape my mom?Copy !req
155. You want to rape your mom?Copy !req
156. It's nice you're cool about me triggering
the alarm and not knowing the passwordCopy !req
157. but how do you know
I'm not making it up?Copy !req
158. I could have raped my
mom twice by now.Copy !req
159. You said you lived there.Copy !req
160. I do but you don't know that.Copy !req
161. I could be Kyle trying to
take more of my shit!Copy !req
162. How did you get rid of him?Copy !req
163. How did you get rid of the milk man?Copy !req
164. There is no getting rid of him.Copy !req
165. Not in any way you folks
will be prepared for.Copy !req
166. No, best to let him go onCopy !req
167. Your wife.Copy !req
168. Maybe he will get tired of it.Copy !req
169. Damn you, it's not just
our wives anymore.Copy !req
170. This morning, he came for me.Copy !req
171. I opened the door.Copy !req
172. It was the ups man.Copy !req
173. He had a box from Amazon.Copy !req
174. I looked inside and found
an adaptor for an iPhoneCopy !req
175. and then I remembered
I had ordered it.Copy !req
176. I ordered it the day before and
I barely had any recollection.Copy !req
177. The ups man is using hisCopy !req
178. powers to try to have
sex with me now.Copy !req
179. You said we wouldn't be
prepared to get rid of him.Copy !req
180. How did you...Copy !req
181. We used a pretty
blond to lure him in.Copy !req
182. When she answered the door sheCopy !req
183. told the milk man to follow
her to the bathtub,Copy !req
184. she took off her clothes and...Copy !req
185. Asked the milk man to
fill the tub with milk.Copy !req
186. The milk man said:Copy !req
187. "You want that milk pasteurized?"Copy !req
188. And blond replied:Copy !req
189. "No, just up to my boobs,Copy !req
190. I can splash it in my eyes."Copy !req
191. That's when we jumped him.Copy !req
192. It was over in minutes.Copy !req
193. Then we burned his body.Copy !req
194. You want to get rid of the milk man,Copy !req
195. you've got to kill him,
and kill him goodCopy !req
196. and then you've got to go to the
store for your stuff from then on.Copy !req
197. Hey...Copy !req
198. You want me to do this,
then you've got to pay up front kid.Copy !req
199. You will get your money whenCopy !req
200. you have finished doing what
I asked you, all right?Copy !req
201. As soon as I lock the door,
just give me a few seconds to arm theCopy !req
202. system, then you break
in and try to rape my mom.Copy !req
203. Ok, got it?Copy !req
204. - Hello.
- This is Michael with wolf home security.Copy !req
205. Is everything all right?Copy !req
206. No, a man just broke into our house
and he's about to rape my mom.Copy !req
207. Go, go, she's upstairs.Copy !req
208. Hello.
Did you hear me?Copy !req
209. A rapist is here.
He's white.Copy !req
210. Ok, should we contact the police?Copy !req
211. Yes, you should contact
the police,Copy !req
212. my mom is about to get raped.Copy !req
213. Ok, we're contacting them now.Copy !req
214. It's going up the stairs dude.
You better hurry.Copy !req
215. Try and stay calm, the police
are on their way.Copy !req
216. Well, that's nice, maybe they
can bring some cigaretes and GetoradeCopy !req
217. 'cause this guy is
gonna be pretty wiped out.Copy !req
218. What the.Copy !req
219. Hey there, Mr... Stotch?
Looks like another Amazon package.Copy !req
220. I know that what I feel for you
is just some kind of spell.Copy !req
221. Sorry?Copy !req
222. Just let me sign.Copy !req
223. All right, he's coming to you.Copy !req
224. Well, hello there, Mr. ups man.Copy !req
225. - What do you...
- You should have left our wives alone.Copy !req
226. Now let's go for a drive.Copy !req
227. Look, you can have
whatever's in the back.Copy !req
228. It's all stuff from Amazon.Copy !req
229. Pull in here.Copy !req
230. Just let me go, huh?Copy !req
231. Oh, then we would miss out on all the fun.Copy !req
232. Ah, ooh.Copy !req
233. You should have never
come to our town.Copy !req
234. A man's wife is his life,
Mr. UPS man.Copy !req
235. Oh my God.Copy !req
236. Come on, honey.Copy !req
237. Thought we wouldn't find out?Copy !req
238. Who's there?Copy !req
239. Please.Copy !req
240. Yes, hello?Copy !req
241. Hello, this is Varachnu with
wolf home security.Copy !req
242. No, a man just broke
into my house with...Copy !req
243. Varachnu?
I didn't sign upCopy !req
244. to have some Indian guy calling me.Copy !req
245. Are you even in the United States?Copy !req
246. Yes, I am in United States.Copy !req
247. Ah... That's bullshit.
Put your manager on.Copy !req
248. Ok, hold on.Copy !req
249. Hello?Copy !req
250. This is Kevin with
wolf home security.Copy !req
251. Is everything all right?Copy !req
252. No, everything's not all right.
How come a guy from India isCopy !req
253. calling me when my house
is being broken into?Copy !req
254. We have alarms going off
across the countryCopy !req
255. 14 times a minute.Copy !req
256. It takes a lot of employees Manning phones.Copy !req
257. I'm not paying all this moneyCopy !req
258. to have some guy on the otherCopy !req
259. side of the earth trying
to protect me.Copy !req
260. Sir, it doesn't matter where
we wall you fromCopy !req
261. we still call the police
in your neighbourhood.Copy !req
262. Oh really, oh gosh, I'm so
relieved, thanks,Copy !req
263. there is still just one little problem,Copy !req
264. how do you know I didn't break into
this house set off the alarmCopy !req
265. and now I'm stalling by being
upset about the Indian guyCopy !req
266. and have actually stolen a bunch of shit,Copy !req
267. raped my mom and you people have
done absolutely nothing about it.Copy !req
268. I... I... Wow, that just my head.Copy !req
269. Yeah, I just your head and
the ups guy just my mom.Copy !req
270. All right, quiet down people, please.
Quiet.Copy !req
271. I know you're all worried about
you're families security.Copy !req
272. All I can tell you is that so far,
bane has not been caught.Copy !req
273. What are we supposed to do?Copy !req
274. I mean, if bane is out there on the
the loose then none of us are safe.Copy !req
275. One bane's bad enough butCopy !req
276. apparently we've got, like...
Like, seven banes...Copy !req
277. Ok?Copy !req
278. And what do we tell the kids?Copy !req
279. We can't leave them
in the dark.Copy !req
280. Wouldn't be the only ones in your
family completely in the dark.Copy !req
281. What?Copy !req
282. Nothing.Copy !req
283. Now listen, there is nothing more
we can do to protect your homesCopy !req
284. but there is someone
here who says he can.Copy !req
285. Hello, folks.Copy !req
286. We are more than happy to get
your homes safe and secure.Copy !req
287. Now you gonna be
wanting monitorsCopy !req
288. on all your doors and windows,
motion detectors in the living areasCopy !req
289. and I would also recommend you all get our
newest personal security systemCopy !req
290. to make sure your wives
are safe outside the home.Copy !req
291. Wait... Wait, what do you mean?Copy !req
292. Protecting your home and your familyCopy !req
293. is hard enough but sometimesCopy !req
294. alarms on your doors and
windows aren't enough.Copy !req
295. A new security system allows notCopy !req
296. only for your doors and
windows to be monitored,Copy !req
297. a security system that
is actually inside you,Copy !req
298. it's called in security.Copy !req
299. We'll never forget the day we took
our twin daughters to the beach.Copy !req
300. - What cute twins.
- Thanks.Copy !req
301. They're so adorable that I'm going
to bash their heads in.Copy !req
302. This is Peter with in security.
It's everything all right?Copy !req
303. A white man tried to
murder our twin girls.Copy !req
304. I have a police car on their
way with blankets and cocoa.Copy !req
305. I only hope other people have
in security to protect their families.Copy !req
306. Well, how does the shoe fit, pal?Copy !req
307. I think it fits good.Copy !req
308. Ok let's see if it fits betterCopy !req
309. than this
knife through your skull, bastard!Copy !req
310. - Hello!
- This is David with in security.Copy !req
311. Is everything all right?Copy !req
312. No, a white shoe salesman
tried to murder my son.Copy !req
313. Hold tight, police are on their
way with blankets and cocoa.Copy !req
314. Don't let your families became
another statistic.Copy !req
315. Have peace of mind withCopy !req
316. in security.Copy !req
317. It just keeps getting worse.Copy !req
318. I see stuff from Amazon
almost every day.Copy !req
319. My poor dad has no idea.Copy !req
320. You're going to have to tell him dude.Copy !req
321. I know...Copy !req
322. Ha, Kyle, let's see you try and
take my iPod headphones now.Copy !req
323. What?Copy !req
324. Just want you to know that if you
want to steal somebody's stuffCopy !req
325. you should look elsewhere.Copy !req
326. Nobody wants any of your
stuff you fat bitch.Copy !req
327. Oh, fat bitch, ha?Copy !req
328. It just so happens that thisCopy !req
329. fat bitch has insecurity now Kyle,Copy !req
330. and so I'm protected from
all you greedy little JewsCopy !req
331. until you and your people die out.Copy !req
332. The Jewish population isn't
dying out, fat ass, it's growing.Copy !req
333. What?Copy !req
334. - Hello!
- This is Marcus with in security.Copy !req
335. Is everything all right?Copy !req
336. Yeah, yeah, false alarm.Copy !req
337. I just heard some troubling news
and it set up my in security.Copy !req
338. All right, could I just get
your password please.Copy !req
339. Yeah, it's...Copy !req
340. It's "you love boobs".Copy !req
341. I love boobs?Copy !req
342. No, you love boobs.Copy !req
343. Lowercase "you love boobs".Copy !req
344. How did you know that?Copy !req
345. My password is "you love boobs".Copy !req
346. - Oh, I get it, that's pretty funny.
- Yeah is hilarious.Copy !req
347. Now can you shutdown my
in security, please?Copy !req
348. Sure, here you go.Copy !req
349. Ok...Copy !req
350. Anyway, Kyle, you
better watch it...Copy !req
351. Kyle? Goddammit.Copy !req
352. And then, I had to
drive to Walgreens,Copy !req
353. Barnes and noble and ace hardware.Copy !req
354. I tell you, going around having
to buy stuff again sucks.Copy !req
355. Yeah, but at least we never have
to deal with that ups driver again.Copy !req
356. - He's back.
- What?Copy !req
357. I just came from will Paterson's house.Copy !req
358. His mother got three
packages from AmazonCopy !req
359. and the ups guy told her what
he would like to do to her.Copy !req
360. How?Copy !req
361. He casually dropped
this on the way out.Copy !req
362. Oh my God!Copy !req
363. Didn't kill him, did you?Copy !req
364. I didn't think you had anyhow.Copy !req
365. We scared him.
We thought it would be enough.Copy !req
366. Milk man don't get scared.Copy !req
367. Not with free pussy
at every doorstep.Copy !req
368. Son of a bitch, it's him, all right.Copy !req
369. This guy doesn't know when to quitCopy !req
370. he's stopping at another house.Copy !req
371. This his guy is a lot tougher
than we thought.Copy !req
372. Must be why our wives
want him so bad.Copy !req
373. Sorry... Sorry that's me.Copy !req
374. - Hello!
- This is Alan with in security.Copy !req
375. Is everything all right?Copy !req
376. Yeah, sorry, false alarm.Copy !req
377. Pass phrase is "tickle me homo".Copy !req
378. It's a joke.Copy !req
379. Mom, dad, you always taughtCopy !req
380. me that being direct and honest
is a basic Jewish tenet.Copy !req
381. That's right, Kyle.Copy !req
382. And that applies to all
of us, doesn't it?Copy !req
383. Even though it's convenient to
have things done for you,Copy !req
384. sometimes it's best to
deal with it yourself.Copy !req
385. Hi, I got a delivery for you.Copy !req
386. Yeah.
Come in for a minute, would you?Copy !req
387. What?Copy !req
388. Please, I need you to come
sit down for a second.Copy !req
389. So, here we all are.Copy !req
390. Mom, do you want to
tell dad something?Copy !req
391. Mom?Copy !req
392. What's going on?Copy !req
393. You know damn well
what's going on.Copy !req
394. This ends right now.Copy !req
395. We are a family and you need
to go somewhere else.Copy !req
396. Don't you think I want to?Copy !req
397. I hate this damn town.Copy !req
398. Every day things just keepCopy !req
399. getting weirder around here
and I'm just about sick of it.Copy !req
400. Oh, my God.Copy !req
401. - Hello!
- This is Brian with in security.Copy !req
402. Is everything all right?Copy !req
403. No, they blew up my car,
they blew up my car.Copy !req
404. I'm sending help.Copy !req
405. Police are on their way
with blankets and cocoa.Copy !req
406. They're after me again,
do something.Copy !req
407. Oh, hold on, one second sir,
I have another emergency coming in.Copy !req
408. This is Brian with in security.Copy !req
409. Is everything all right?Copy !req
410. Yeah, no, false alarm again.Copy !req
411. I'm in the store and some fat bitch
asked me if my dad likes cologne.Copy !req
412. What the hell is going on out here?Copy !req
413. Stay out of this, Gerald.Copy !req
414. Some men care about what
their wives are doing.Copy !req
415. What?
You don't even have a wife, Jimbo.Copy !req
416. Somebody answer me,Copy !req
417. you have to send help now.Copy !req
418. Sir, we are sending help, just stay Cal...
Hang on sir.Copy !req
419. This is Martin with in security.Copy !req
420. Yeah, I'm thinking maybe Gerald's
house is nicer than mine is.Copy !req
421. Hello!
This is Martin with in secu...Copy !req
422. Goddamn it, I have had it
with you people.Copy !req
423. When I signed up I thought I was
getting CSI guys protecting my assCopy !req
424. but all you answering the
phones are complete retards.Copy !req
425. Hello!
This is Mike with in security.Copy !req
426. Is everything all right?Copy !req
427. Hello!Copy !req
428. Dude, come down here.Copy !req
429. So you say this man killedCopy !req
430. himself because he
was a psychopathCopy !req
431. who was forced to have
sex with his mother?Copy !req
432. Yes.Copy !req
433. We found that in his pocket.Copy !req
434. Sir, we found this in theCopy !req
435. closet upstairs.Copy !req
436. Yes, that's mine.Copy !req
437. Yours?Copy !req
438. What?Copy !req
439. Give me that.Copy !req
440. What we do in our bedroom is our business.Copy !req
441. Wait a minute?Copy !req
442. Dad was the ups man?Copy !req
443. Kyle, sometimes when peopleCopy !req
444. get older they need to play andCopy !req
445. pretend to keep
things interesting.Copy !req
446. It's just a way I can still beCopy !req
447. intimate with your motherCopy !req
448. without relying on silly
sexual enhancement drugs.Copy !req
449. Hello?Copy !req
450. It's over.Copy !req
451. But you were wrong.Copy !req
452. We don't have to be afraid of Amazon.Copy !req
453. The only price to be paid forCopy !req
454. convenience is that we must
be secure with ourselves.Copy !req
455. Yeah, got yourselves someCopy !req
456. nice home security systems,
don't you?Copy !req
457. Paying a man to do your job ofCopy !req
458. protecting your house.Copy !req
459. Only problem is while you're outCopy !req
460. feeling like your things areCopy !req
461. safe, that security man isCopy !req
462. Your wife.Copy !req
463. Doors and windows should beCopy !req
464. armed and your motion detectorsCopy !req
465. are up and running. Just call me
whenever you need me backCopy !req
466. who are you?Copy !req
467. It doesn't matter who we are.Copy !req
468. What matters is our plan.Copy !req
469. You should have respected my authority.Copy !req