1. - That's funny.
I like that!
Copy !req
2. Big Harry and Mike
in the morning
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3. talking about the new
hit movie...
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4. It's a great comedy.
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5. It's starring...
and.
Copy !req
6. - I saw the movie last night,
Big Harry,
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7. and it made me laugh
so hard!
Copy !req
8. This movie is about a...
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9. who's suddenly all like...
Copy !req
10. - Oh, that's funny.
That's real funny.
Copy !req
11. Big Harry and Mike
in the morning.
Copy !req
12. We'll talk more about it,
but let's get to some music.
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13. The new tween wave band...
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14. with their song...
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15. - Coming this fall
to Fox/CBS/FX,
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16. Jurassic Park and Lost
in the same TV show!
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17. Dinosaurs.
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18. Lost humans.
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19. Future, yeah.
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20. - Stanley, eat your waffles.
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21. - Oh, shut up, Cartman.
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22. You don't even know
what you're talking about.
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23. - Oh, yeah?
I saw it on the news, Kyle.
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24. The school is gonna make us
all get shots again,
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25. but this time, it's so that we
don't get warts in our vaginas.
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26. - Are you serious?
- Yep.
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27. - That's only a vaccination
for girls, stupid.
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28. - Then why are they saying that
getting vaccinated at school
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29. is gonna make us
all retarded?
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30. - Because some people
think vaccinations
Copy !req
31. can give you autism
or Asperger's.
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32. - Wait. What?
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33. - That's what they're
talking about on the news.
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34. - Wait. There's a disease
called ass burgers?
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35. - Yes!
- You are so lying!
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36. There is no disease
called fucking ass burgers.
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37. - You want to bet?
Let's go ask my dad right now.
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38. - Okay, you're on, Jew!
Copy !req
39. - And so, children,
at noon today,
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40. all the girls will go
to the gymnasium
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41. for their vaccinations,
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42. and boys will head on out
to recess.
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43. - Do the girls get their shots
right in the vagina?
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44. - No, Butters,
that's not how it works.
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45. - Mr. Garrison,
these three boys
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46. were caught playing hooky.
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47. - Did you guys know
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48. there's actually a disease
called ass burgers?
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49. - Sit down, boys.
We'll talk about this later.
Copy !req
50. Right now, we're talking
about vaginal warts.
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51. - This isn't fair!
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52. How can the school make us
get vaccinated?
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53. - You mean little hamburgers
grow in your butthole?
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54. - That's right.
It's a butt fungus.
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55. - I don't want burgers
coming out of my butt.
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56. - God, shut up!
Copy !req
57. Everyone,
just shut the fuck up!
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58. - Okay, Stan,
you got to try
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59. and pull yourself
out of this, mkay?
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60. I know that your parents
recently got divorced, mkay.
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61. That's got to be hard.
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62. I know that-that's bad.
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63. But when you walk around
all mopey, mkay,
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64. and saying
everything is just shitty,
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65. well, that's called being
a Debbie Downer, Stan.
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66. And nobody likes
a Debbie Downer, mkay?
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67. I mean, you got to-
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68. you got to snap
out of it, Debbie.
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69. Come on, Deb, you're even
bumming me out now, mkay?
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70. Your attitude just-
just sucks.
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71. - I just want everything
to go back to the way it was.
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72. - Okay, well, that's not
gonna happen, Debbie.
Copy !req
73. Okay, you know,
life has to change, mkay?
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74. - How?
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75. When all the things that made
you laugh just make you sick,
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76. how do you go on when nothing
makes you happy?
Copy !req
77. - Huh.
Excuse me a minute, Stan, mkay?
Copy !req
78. Uh, hi, Miss Bronski?
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79. Did we vaccinate Stan Marsh
for the flu last year?
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80. We did?
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81. Uh-oh.
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82. I think he's got Asperger's.
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83. - This is breaking news
from CNN...
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84. or Fox or whatever.
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85. Fuck you.
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86. - The first documented
case of a child
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87. developing
Asperger's syndrome
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88. from school vaccinations
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89. has put the government
in a tight spot.
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90. As press conference today,
the media heard
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91. from the young boy's father,
Steamy Ray Vaughn.
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92. - It's pretty shitty
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93. when you work so hard
to be a great parent
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94. and then the government
comes along
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95. and, with one shot,
turns your child
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96. into a mentally incapacitated
freak!
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97. I mean, look at him!
Copy !req
98. He's disinterested,
depressed, self-loathing.
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99. It's most likely the reason
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100. his mother and I
got divorced.
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101. - In response
to the embarrassment,
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102. the president
of the United States
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103. has passed Stan's Bill,
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104. putting an end to mandated
school vaccinations.
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105. - Mr. President,
the bill ready.
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106. - Just sign right here,
Mr. President.
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107. - And if you could just sign
this one as well, Mr. President.
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108. - It is yet unknown
if any other children
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109. have contracted Asperger's
from the vaccinations,
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110. but if so,
multimillion-dollar lawsuits
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111. are probably
not far behind.
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112. - Eric,
what is it this time?
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113. - Fever, light-
light-headedness.
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114. I don't know
what's wrong with me.
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115. - You don't feel warm.
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116. - Oh, that's a relief.
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117. I thought maybe I had a fever,
but I—oh, oh, my buns!
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118. There's a sharp pain
in my buns!
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119. - Can you lay
on your stomach?
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120. - I'll try. I'll try.
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121. - What the-
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122. What is this,
a hamburger?
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123. - A what?
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124. - Why are there hamburgers
in your underwear?
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125. - Are you serious?
How could there be-
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126. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
127. You're saying I have
ass burgers?
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128. - This doesn't make sense.
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129. Are you trying to sneak food
into the school or something?
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130. - What are you talking about?
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131. I got vaccinated
from the school,
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132. and now clearly
I have ass burgers.
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133. - Very funny.
Copy !req
134. - Well, I'm glad you think
ass burgers is funny.
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135. Just note my condition
on your records there.
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136. - Get out of my office.
Copy !req
137. - Hey, Kyle, have you heard
anything at all from Stan?
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138. - I've tried, Wendy.
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139. I've called him.
I've been to his house.
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140. But since his diagnosis,
Copy !req
141. all he's done
is gotten worse.
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142. - I don't know what to do.
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143. It's like he's
completely turned off.
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144. - Those two should just screw
and get it over with.
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145. - Yeah.
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146. - I can't keep doing it,
Wendy.
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147. I know he has an illness,
but goddamn.
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148. It's like being around
a black hole
Copy !req
149. that just sucks the life
out of everything.
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150. - Look,
maybe what we should do
Copy !req
151. is all go over
to his house together.
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152. That way we could-
- No, I can't, Wendy.
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153. All his negativity is starting
to make me depressed.
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154. I have to let him go.
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155. And whatever happens next,
I'm going to embrace
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156. with a totally positive
attitude.
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157. - Goddamn stupid school nurse!
Heartless bitch!
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158. - What's the matter, dude?
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159. - I spent all morning making
hamburgers for nothing!
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160. That's what's the matter!
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161. - You made hamburgers?
That's awesome.
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162. I'd love one.
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163. Mmm!
Hmm, wow!
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164. This is really good,
Cartman.
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165. - Really?
- Yeah.
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166. Hey, Riley,
try this hamburger.
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167. Cartman made them himself.
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168. - Wow!
What is that?
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169. - Seriously, Cartman, you could
make money with these.
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170. - Gee, thanks, Kyle.
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171. - The truth is,
we still know very little
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172. about Asperger's syndrome,
Mrs. Marsh.
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173. All our patients here
show the same
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174. social awkwardness
that your son exhibits.
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175. Good morning,
Mr. Mathers.
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176. - Good-bye... Doctor.
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177. - It's as if
they all have an inability
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178. to distinguish
from what is socially acceptable
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179. and what is not.
Copy !req
180. We've got a new patient,
Martin.
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181. I want to you meet Stan.
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182. - Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
183. - Here at the treatment center,
our focus is on awareness.
Copy !req
184. Asperger's is serious,
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185. but unfortunately,
because of its name,
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186. people think it's a disease
to be made fun of.
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187. All right, everyone,
let's have a seat.
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188. Oh, we'll be done
at about 5:00 p.m., Mrs. Marsh.
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189. I'll call
if it's any earlier.
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190. - Oh, right.
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191. Good-bye, Stan.
I love you.
Copy !req
192. - All right, are we clear?
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193. - We're clear.
Copy !req
194. - Watch that window, Puck.
Copy !req
195. Everyone make sure
this room isn't bugged.
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196. All right, Stan, listen up.
We don't have a lot of time.
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197. You've been told
Asperger's is real. It isn't.
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198. It's just a front
that we use to stay hidden.
Copy !req
199. - Wait.
It's not a real illness?
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200. - Of course not!
Copy !req
201. If there was
a social development disease,
Copy !req
202. you wouldn't
call it "ass burgers."
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203. That's just-
that's just mean.
Copy !req
204. There's a big war
going on out there, Stan,
Copy !req
205. and we want to you
to join our fight
Copy !req
206. to bring it all down.
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207. - Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're not doing this.
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208. - You've broken
through their reality,
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209. and they don't like it.
Copy !req
210. Others deserve to know
the truth.
Copy !req
211. You see everything as shit,
don't you?
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212. Where other people see
fun movies and hear cool music,
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213. all you see and hear
is shit.
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214. Am I right?
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215. - Yeah.
Copy !req
216. - So do we,
all of us here.
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217. We know the truth too.
Copy !req
218. - We found way
to make it stop, Stan.
Copy !req
219. Now, are you interested
or not?
Copy !req
220. - Next order, please.
Copy !req
221. Get your Cartman Burgers here,
fresh and flavorful.
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222. - I just can't believe
how yummy these are.
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223. - There you go, Molly.
And a bag of chips.
Copy !req
224. - Thanks.
Copy !req
225. - How we doing
on those patties, Jew?
Copy !req
226. - About three minutes, fat-ass.
- Nice.
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227. - Jeez, we're out
of finished burgers again, Eric.
Copy !req
228. We need more.
- It's all right.
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229. I think another batch
is just finishing off
Copy !req
230. in our top secret
flavor enhancer.
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231. - Dude, come on, Cartman.
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232. As employees, don't you think
we should get to see
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233. what the final secret
flavor enhancer is?
Copy !req
234. - I'm sorry, Kyle,
but if we compromise
Copy !req
235. our final cooking process,
Copy !req
236. then our patented flavor
will be everywhere,
Copy !req
237. and we'll have to go back
to school.
Copy !req
238. Now, let me get
those hamburgers.
Copy !req
239. All right,
these are good to go.
Copy !req
240. - All right, is he ready
to be sent in?
Copy !req
241. - He's ready.
Copy !req
242. Beta levels are normal.
Copy !req
243. - Who are you people?
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244. - We're the secret society
of cynics.
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245. Everything looks
like shit to you, right?
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246. What if I were to tell you
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247. that you're seeing the world
the way it actually is?
Copy !req
248. - Huh?
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249. - The world around us has
all completely turned to shit,
Copy !req
250. but aliens are putting out
a brain wave
Copy !req
251. that keeps most people seeing
a false reality.
Copy !req
252. - Aliens?
Copy !req
253. - Or robots from the future.
Whatever.
Copy !req
254. The point is,
they need to keep everyone
Copy !req
255. in a blissful state
of ignorance.
Copy !req
256. - Yeah, everything used to be
awesome and cool,
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257. but now everything's
gone to shit,
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258. and nobody knows except us.
Copy !req
259. - Yeah.
Copy !req
260. - Because of aliens?
Copy !req
261. - Or genetically altered
humans.
Copy !req
262. Whatever.
Fuck you.
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263. All that matters
is that you are the key
Copy !req
264. to bringing
this whole thing down.
Copy !req
265. They know who we are,
but they won't be expecting you.
Copy !req
266. Are you ready to go back
into the illusionary world
Copy !req
267. you once lived in?
Copy !req
268. - Yeah, I'm ready.
- Let's send him in.
Copy !req
269. Drink this.
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270. - Ahh!
Copy !req
271. Oh, cool!
Copy !req
272. - Jill, you got a date
with Al Pacino?
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273. - I think Al Pacino wants to
play Twister with your sister.
Copy !req
274. Adam Sandler's funny!
Copy !req
275. - Hey, Kyle,
you have a visitor.
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276. - Stan?
Copy !req
277. - Kyle!
- Hey, Stan.
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278. - Dude, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
279. I've been a shitty friend.
I miss my buddy.
Copy !req
280. You were right.
Copy !req
281. Adam Sandler
is fucking hysterical.
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282. - Stan, are you all right?
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283. - Yeah, dude,
I totally get it now.
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284. I can see how lame I was,
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285. saying everything was-
was shit.
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286. - Really?
Stan, that's great.
Copy !req
287. - But, Kyle,
It's all shit. For reals!
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288. Everything's shit
'cause of aliens with A.I.
Copy !req
289. And you and me are gonna
fuck it all up.
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290. Come on!
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291. - Dude, have you
been drinking?
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292. - You're not listening
to me, Kyle.
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293. Dude, we have to go do
this one thing,
Copy !req
294. and then everything
can go back to normal.
Copy !req
295. - It's too late for that.
Copy !req
296. Things just can't
go back, Stan.
Copy !req
297. I'm with Cartman Burger now.
Copy !req
298. - Dude, Cartman Burger?
Seriously?
Copy !req
299. How shitty
is that fucking concept?
Copy !req
300. - See, there you go again.
Look at you, dude.
Copy !req
301. Look at what you've become.
Copy !req
302. - Everything
all right here, Kyle?
Copy !req
303. - Yeah, it's fine.
Copy !req
304. - We're gonna need
some more patties pretty soon.
Copy !req
305. - Yeah, yeah.
I'll be right there.
Copy !req
306. - Come on, Kyle, this is about
you and me, remember?
Copy !req
307. - Look, dude, things
around here have changed.
Copy !req
308. Sometimes
the only way to keep going
Copy !req
309. is to make a left turn.
Copy !req
310. - Fuck you, Kyle!
You're a piece of shit.
Copy !req
311. - Kyle, I love you.
Copy !req
312. You're a piece of shit, though.
Fuck you!
Copy !req
313. I love you.
Copy !req
314. - Big Harry and Mike
in the morning,
Copy !req
315. and in case you didn't catch
last night's episode of...
Copy !req
316. ,
we're breaking it down.
Copy !req
317. - Oh, Big Harry,
when the...
Copy !req
318. ran into the...
Copy !req
319. - Oh, no, no, how about
when... -
Copy !req
320. - He's back.
Copy !req
321. Did you see
the illusionary world again?
Copy !req
322. - How did it feel to be back
in the matrix?
Copy !req
323. - I feel like total shit.
- It's okay.
Copy !req
324. That's just your brain levels
Copy !req
325. adjusting back
to the real world.
Copy !req
326. - Try and focus, Stan.
We've found them.
Copy !req
327. We know where
the rock creatures are now.
Copy !req
328. - The rock creatures?
Copy !req
329. - Or aliens or A.I. things.
Copy !req
330. Whatever.
Fuck you.
Copy !req
331. - Dude, I can't-
Copy !req
332. I can't do any-
Copy !req
333. - He's gonna pop!
Copy !req
334. - Come on, kid, wake up.
There's not a lot of time left.
Copy !req
335. - You're pushing him
too hard!
Copy !req
336. - Oh, God.
Copy !req
337. - Stan, you have
to convince people
Copy !req
338. they're living
in a world of illusion.
Copy !req
339. We're sending you back in.
Copy !req
340. - We all know
why we are here.
Copy !req
341. There is a rebellion
in our midst,
Copy !req
342. and it must be squashed out.
Copy !req
343. We have to put an end
to Cartman Burgers.
Copy !req
344. - Yes! What do we do?
- Yes, yes!
Copy !req
345. - At KFC, we've seen
a 50% drop in sales.
Copy !req
346. - It's worse at Pizza Hut.
Copy !req
347. Cartman Burgers
choked out the market.
Copy !req
348. - What makes them so good?
Copy !req
349. For whatever reason,
these Cartman Burgers
Copy !req
350. satisfy the taste cravings
for all of our restaurants.
Copy !req
351. - There lies the secret.
Copy !req
352. It's the chemical compounds
of all our flavors-
Copy !req
353. Pizza Hut,
Burger King, KFC-
Copy !req
354. all somehow infused
into one burger.
Copy !req
355. - It's as if
he's somehow taking
Copy !req
356. all the ingredients
of our food,
Copy !req
357. breaking them down
into some kind of gas,
Copy !req
358. and then somehow infusing
that gas into his hamburger.
Copy !req
359. What kind of instrument
could he be using to do this?
Copy !req
360. - It would have to be some kind
of super Dutch oven.
Copy !req
361. - But a Dutch oven
with greater technology
Copy !req
362. than we've ever seen.
Copy !req
363. - Ah! Ugh!
Copy !req
364. Yeah!
Copy !req
365. - Hey!
Copy !req
366. Wake up!
Come on, wake up!
Copy !req
367. Use the smelling salts.
Copy !req
368. Enchirito?
Copy !req
369. - You know the secret?
Copy !req
370. - What?
You guys are aliens?
Copy !req
371. - Stop playing with us!
Copy !req
372. What's the secret behind
Cartman Burgers' amazing taste?
Copy !req
373. - Dude, I don't know.
Copy !req
374. - He's lying.
Copy !req
375. You see this kid
in the picture?
Copy !req
376. This guy's his best friend.
Copy !req
377. - Aha!
Copy !req
378. - I'm not friends with him.
Copy !req
379. - They've been
through everything together.
Copy !req
380. Inseparable.
Copy !req
381. - No, no,
we don't hang out anymore.
Copy !req
382. - Oh, right.
Copy !req
383. Like someone
would just walk away
Copy !req
384. from a friendship like that.
Copy !req
385. - Dude, I didn't walk away!
Copy !req
386. I turned ten, and everything
he wanted to do
Copy !req
387. seemed shitty to me,
so I-
Copy !req
388. - Oh, sure, anyone would
ditch out on their best friend
Copy !req
389. because they weren't
feeling good.
Copy !req
390. Now, stop playing games
Copy !req
391. and tell us why Cartman Burgers
are so delicious!
Copy !req
392. - I don't know.
Copy !req
393. - All right.
Copy !req
394. I guess we're gonna have
to do this the hard way.
Copy !req
395. - There's ten mediums
and five medium-rares.
Copy !req
396. - All right, I'll take these
to the flavor enhancer.
Copy !req
397. - Next, please.
Oh, hey.
Copy !req
398. - Kyle, you got to tell me
the secret to Cartman Burger.
Copy !req
399. - What are you doing?
Copy !req
400. - How do you guys make them
so yummy?
Copy !req
401. - I don't know.
Copy !req
402. - You better get him
to tell you,
Copy !req
403. or you're getting shot
in the back of the head.
Copy !req
404. You got that?
Copy !req
405. - Dude, just tell me
the secret to Cartman Burger.
Copy !req
406. - Why, so that we can lose
our business
Copy !req
407. and everything can go back
to old times?
Copy !req
408. - No, because there's aliens
with a sniper chicken on me.
Copy !req
409. - Oh, God.
Copy !req
410. Look, I know you got
Asperger's from the school,
Copy !req
411. and I'm sorry,
Copy !req
412. but your negativity
is poison to me.
Copy !req
413. - Oh, right, like a friend
would walk out on somebody
Copy !req
414. who was diagnosed
with a serious illness.
Copy !req
415. - Dude, I'm sorry
that I've been bumming you out,
Copy !req
416. but it's not my fault.
Copy !req
417. - You said "fuck you"
to my face, Stan.
Copy !req
418. - Dude, I didn't realize
what I was saying.
Copy !req
419. - Oh, yeah, right,
Copy !req
420. like any friend would say
something that severe
Copy !req
421. and then try to take it back.
Copy !req
422. - All right, look,
Copy !req
423. I honestly don't know
the secret, dude.
Copy !req
424. Only Cartman does, and that's
how it's gonna work for us.
Copy !req
425. - God damn it,
this is getting us nowhere!
Copy !req
426. Everyone get back!
Copy !req
427. You want to play hardball?
That's fine.
Copy !req
428. All right.
Copy !req
429. Let's see this mighty machine
once and for all.
Copy !req
430. - You vampire
sons of bitches!
Copy !req
431. - All right,
nice work, Stan.
Copy !req
432. Now comes the final step.
Copy !req
433. You have to take out
duck president.
Copy !req
434. - Just stop it!
Copy !req
435. You people
are so full of shit!
Copy !req
436. - Uh-oh, looks like the serum
is wearing off.
Copy !req
437. Here, you better take
some more.
Copy !req
438. - No, I'm done with that!
Copy !req
439. - But, Stan, you have
to take down the bad guys
Copy !req
440. and go through
a personal transformation
Copy !req
441. so that everything can go back
to the way it was.
Copy !req
442. - I don't want everything
to go back to the way it was!
Copy !req
443. I-I don't.
Copy !req
444. You were right, Kyle.
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445. Sometimes the only way
to go forward
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446. is to take
a big left turn.
Copy !req
447. I've been resisting it,
but I'm ready now.
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448. I want you to stay
with Cartman Burger, dude.
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449. It's okay.
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450. You're gonna do this,
and I'm gonna do my thing,
Copy !req
451. and... my mom and dad
aren't getting back together.
Copy !req
452. But you know what?
It's okay.
Copy !req
453. In fact, it's better.
Copy !req
454. This change is gonna bring
new things for all of us.
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455. Where will Cartman Burger
go from here?
Copy !req
456. That'll be cool to see.
Copy !req
457. And it opens me up
to whole new adventures,
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458. exploring new relationships
with all new people in town.
Copy !req
459. Maybe this kid will become
my new best friend.
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460. Or maybe this kid will.
- Wow.
Copy !req
461. - Maybe it won't be
like before,
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462. but at least
it'll all be new.
Copy !req
463. And that's what's gonna make it
so that I can keep going.
Copy !req
464. For the first time
in a long time,
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465. I'm really excited.
Copy !req
466. - Stan! Stan!
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467. Get in the car, Stan.
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468. Your mom and I
are moving back in together.
Copy !req
469. - What?
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470. - We worked it out, pal.
Surprise!
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471. - No, Dad.
No, no, please.
Copy !req
472. - We talked a lot, and we know
it's what's best for you kids
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473. and... I don't know.
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474. - No, Mom, sometimes
you got to-left turn.
Copy !req
475. - People get older,
Stanley.
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476. And as you get older,
you realize
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477. the best thing to do is just
stick with what you know.
Copy !req
478. - You were sticking these
in your ass, Cartman?
Copy !req
479. - Oh, that's good.
Copy !req
480. I like that!
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481. Big Harry and Mike
in the morning
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482. talking about
Two and a Half Men.
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483. I think Ashton Kutcher makes it
the show to be seen, Mike.
Copy !req
484. - Yeah, but what about
that movie Dolphin Tale?
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485. I am psyched for that!
- Dolphin Tale!
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486. Big Harry and Mike
in the morning.
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487. Let's hear one from the band
Sledgejammer and their song-
Copy !req
488. - Dude, we're gonna go see
the new Zookeeper movie.
Copy !req
489. - Zookeeper 2: Zookeepier!
Copy !req
490. - 'Kay. Coming.
Copy !req