South Park 15x5

1. - That one was smelly!

2. Take this, Dali Terrance!

3. - Dude, this is probably

4. the best episode they've ever done!

5. - I know! This is awesome!

6. - Oh! I'm so happy!

7. - Terrance and Phillip will be right back

8. after these messages.

9. - Oh, no!

10. It's that super sad Sarah McLachlan commercial!

11. Look away! - What?

12. - Dude, this is the saddest commercial ever.

13. Don't watch!

14. - These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine.

15. Their mothers have abandoned them.

16. They lie in the dark, crying, with nobody to hold them.

17. - Oh, dude, that's so sad.

18. - Why do they have to put this on TV?

19. - Their world is bleak, Ionely, and hopeless.

20. Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan,

21. and I was famous for two months.

22. Each year, thousands of babies are born addicted to crack

23. and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them.

24. Won't you volunteer today?

25. Look at these pictures. They need you.

26. - Ugh, dude. - Agh, God!

27. - Please, go to your local hospital now.

28. Here are some more pictures.

29. - I can't take it anymore. I got to go volunteer, dude.

30. - It's a really great thing you're doing.

31. We have so many abandoned babies

32. and not enough people like yourself who care.

33. - What exactly can I do to help?

34. - Just hold them, talk to them, play with them.

35. You'll find they're so hungry for attention.

36. Here's our crack baby ward now.

37. I know it isn't much,

38. but we don't have a lot of funding, you see.

39. - Oh, it's-it's so sad.

40. - Come-come right over here.

41. We have a decent room here

42. where you can play with the babies

43. and nurture them.

44. It's actually really great you're volunteering now,

45. because our other little boy volunteer

46. is just finishing up.

47. - Oh, hey, Kyle.

48. - What are you doing here?

49. - I'm volunteering.

50. - What are you doing here?

51. - I'm volunteering my time, Kyle.

52. - Young Eric has been here every day

53. for the past two weeks, bless his heart.

54. - Why do you have a video camera?

55. - I'm volunteering, Kyle!

56. It just so happens

57. Sarah McLachlan touched my heart.

58. Is that so hard to believe?

59. Good-bye, Nurse Williams. See you tomorrow.

60. - Bye, Eric!

61. - I'm sorry.

62. Can I come back in just a little bit?

63. - Certainly.

64. We're here all the time, unfortunately.

65. - Thanks.

66. - What's going on?

67. - Aw, crap.

68. Okay, Kyle, you caught us.

69. I admit we aren't actually doing

70. volunteer work at the hospital.

71. - So what are you doing?

72. - What if I were to tell you

73. there's a way to help those poor babies

74. born addicted to crack

75. and give them a future as well?

76. - All right, what is it?

77. - Crack Baby Basketball.

78. Whoa, whoa, Kyle, come on! Don't tell on us!

79. We could actually really use you!

80. - Why do you need me?

81. - Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping.

82. Damn it.

83. Kyle, wait. I-

84. Kyle! Hold on a second!

85. - I knew you were doing something terrible!

86. - What's terrible, Kyle?

87. We fill a little ball with crack,

88. we let the crack babies fight over it,

89. and we put it up on the internet.

90. Who cares?

91. - Lots of people will when I tell them!

92. - We made $1,000 in 11 days.

93. - You what?

94. - Ask the guys.

95. There's six hospitals within a ten-mile radius,

96. and all we do is pit the crack babies

97. against each other with a little ball of crack.

98. - $1,000.

99. - This thing is huge.

100. And it doesn't hurt the crack babies at all.

101. We're swimming in cash, Kyle.

102. Let me take you out to Denny's.

103. It's Baconalia time.

104. - After you.

105. - Oh, there's a big wait to sit down.

106. - Ah, Mr. Cartman!

107. We have your table waiting, sir!

108. - Come on.

109. We started with two crack babies and a camera.

110. Butters did all the internet stuff.

111. We've built up to 1,000 hits a day.

112. - Jesus Christ. - It's awesome.

113. - It's the good life, Kyle.

114. We've come here every night

115. for Denny's Baconalia specials.

116. - Every single night! - Look at the menu.

117. Bacon inside pancakes, bacon meatloaf.

118. They even have a bacon sundae for dessert.

119. - Wow.

120. - We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle.

121. We're getting Slash to start playing at halftime,

122. and EA Sports is offering us $100,000

123. for the video game rights.

124. - We've got a constant flow of athletes

125. that never dries up, Kyle.

126. And best of all, it's all charity,

127. so it's tax-free.

128. - We'll put your office right here, Kyle.

129. All of South Park walking by, looking up at you.

130. - And it actually helps the crack babies.

131. It's like volunteering,

132. but-but we just make a little on the side.

133. - Somebody's got to eat all that bacon, Kyle.

134. Might as well be us.

135. Welcome to the firm.

136. - Go long, Token! Go! Go!

137. - Hey, Stan! Dude, I want you to have this.

138. It's the 20 bucks I owed you, plus $30 interest.

139. - Wow! Really?

140. - I got a job, Stan.

141. I am making tons of money

142. doing some really cool stuff.

143. - Doing what?

144. - Crack Baby Basketball.

145. - Dude.

146. - No, no, it's not like it sounds.

147. Here, check it out!

148. See, look.

149. We just video the babies

150. fighting over a ball full of crack.

151. It's really getting popular.

152. I mean, it-it's cool,

153. because like the commercial said,

154. the crack babies had nothing before.

155. It's-it's great because everyone wins, you know?

156. You see that? 2 million hits!

157. Did you know they're putting bacon inside of pancakes

158. at Denny's?

159. - Betsy Maclntosh?

160. - What do you want?

161. - We heard about you through the Passages Sobriety Clinic.

162. They said you've skipped out on your rehab once again.

163. - Oh, God!

164. - We need to speak with you, ma'am.

165. It's like these voices in my head won't be quiet

166. until I use again.

167. - And so am I correct that you are 81/2 months pregnant

168. and still addicted to cocaine?

169. - I don't want my baby born addicted to drugs,

170. but I can't stop!

171. - Well, ma'am, I have some exciting news.

172. We would like your child

173. to play for the Crack Baby Athletic Association.

174. - The what?

175. - We believe that St. Mary's

176. is the best hospital for your child,

177. and we're prepared to offer it a full ride.

178. Now, do you know yet if your child is male or female

179. or so deformed, you'll never be able to tell?

180. - They said it's a boy.

181. - Just sign the paper,

182. and he'll be playing ball for St. Mary's.

183. How much will he make?

184. - Well, nothing.

185. Crack baby players can't make a salary, based on the rules.

186. - So, what, you would make money off of my child?

187. That doesn't seem fair.

188. - I don't make the rules, ma'am.

189. I just think them up and write them down.

190. Now, if you'd be willing to sign right here,

191. we can get things rolling-

192. - Can't you change the rules?

193. - Ugh.

194. Ma'am, the Crack Baby Athletic Association

195. is a storied franchise.

196. It was founded over 12 days ago

197. with a firm ethical code that strictly states

198. benefits to players is detrimentalized

199. to their well-being.

200. I cannot offer you or your child any cash.

201. I can, however,

202. offer you a little bit of crack.

203. Butters?

204. - Dude, what actually makes total sense about it,

205. if you look at it, is that the crack babies

206. are finally getting some attention

207. and the care that they need.

208. Yeah, it's pretty cool, dude,

209. because most of these babies would normally

210. not even get out, you know, or be able to do anything.

211. Just because we are making money

212. doesn't mean that those babies aren't benefiting.

213. It isn't exploiting them!

214. They're finding a useful place in society.

215. What's unethical about that?

216. - You sound like Cartman.

217. - Ooh.

218. Dude, the thing is,

219. we're not the ones that made them crack babies.

220. That's their moms' goddamn fault!

221. - Yeah, I'm sure that's what Cartman would say too.

222. - I do not sound like Cartman, God damn it!

223. Okay, so... see ya.

224. - It's the easiest thing in the world!

225. How could you guys have screwed this up?

226. All I asked you to do was to get Slash

227. to play at halftime for the matchup

228. between the crack babies at Cedars-Sinai and DU.

229. - We're just having a hard time finding him.

230. - Slash is not hard to find!

231. He'll show up to play anywhere if you pay him!

232. He played at my eighth birthday party,

233. for Christ's sake!

234. Look! Look, he's playing at Lakewood Mall right now!

235. Now, you guys get down there-

236. Oh, crap, the president of EA Sports is calling.

237. Just go! Go!

238. Mr. Peters, how are you?

239. Yes, sir, we're very excited about our deal with you as well!

240. Oh, we know the video game version

241. of Crack Baby Basketball will be a big hit too.

242. Hey, Kyle, have a seat.

243. - I need to talk to you.

244. - Mr. Peters, can I call you back?

245. Our company accountant needs me.

246. Yes, he is Jewish.

247. Okay, thanks, Mr. Peters. Bye!

248. How's it goin', man?

249. - In our deal with EA Sports,

250. we are giving them the right to use

251. images of the crack babies and their names,

252. but we aren't paying the crack babies.

253. - They can't make money. It's against the rules.

254. - But this video game could make a million dollars.

255. We have to give the crack babies a piece of that.

256. - Kyle, it says right there, rule number three:

257. Crack baby players cannot receive compensation

258. of any kind for their play.

259. - But they're the ones risking injury.

260. - What do you want me to do, Kyle,

261. find a stepladder of some kind and risk my safety

262. to get up and there and change the rules?

263. - The government could come after us, Cartman.

264. - We're a nonprofit company, Kyle.

265. - So then where did the $800 we made

266. from selling an internet ad to Payless Shoe Source go?

267. To things we need to keep the office running, Kyle.

268. Here, look!

269. - A hot tub?

270. - It's not just a hot tub. Taste it.

271. Go ahead, taste it.

272. - Gravy?

273. - Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy.

274. - No way.

275. - A hot tub full of KFC gravy, Kyle.

276. Did you ever think you would see that in your lifetime?

277. Kyle, as owners of this company,

278. we owe it not only to ourselves

279. but to the crack babies

280. to be as stress-free and clearheaded as possible.

281. McDonald's French fries and KFC gravy.

282. The French call this poutine.

283. - No, but, dude,

284. we can't license our games to EA Sports

285. and pay the crack babies nothing.

286. Slavery is illegal!

287. - It's not illegal, Kyle. Tell you what.

288. I'll do some undercover work

289. and find out how the other companies get away with it.

290. - What other companies?

291. - Dean Howland, a representative

292. from another prestigious institution is here to see you.

293. - A what? Send him in.

294. Hello, sir!

295. The name is Eric P. Cartman.

296. I'm a well-respected owner in the slave trade.

297. - In the what?

298. - My peaches, what a wonderful office

299. you got yourself here.

300. Certainly got yourself a lucrative business, don't ye?

301. Well, let me get right down to it, then.

302. Like yourself, I am also in the slave trade.

303. But at the moment, I find myself

304. in a little quandary with legal issues.

305. Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets.

306. - I have no idea what you're talking about.

307. - You have some

308. mighty strong-lookin' workers here, sir.

309. I'd be willin' to offer ya $40 for two of the white ones

310. and 50 for the blacks.

311. - Are you referring to our student athletes?

312. - Student ath-o-letes!

313. Ho, ho! That is brilliant, sir!

314. Now, when we sell their likeness for video games,

315. how do we get around paying for our slaves-

316. student ath-o-letes then?

317. - Look, there are good reasons

318. why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man!

319. - I ain't arguing!

320. If they got paid, then how would we make

321. all our money, right?

322. - We do not own slaves,

323. and we have no desire to own slaves.

324. - But of course you own slaves, because-

325. Oh, right!

326. Of course you don't have desire to own slaves, sir.

327. Neither do I.

328. And if there was any government agency

329. listenin' in on this here conversation,

330. they should know that we're not talkin'

331. 'bout slave ownership 't all!

332. All right, so now how do you get around

333. not paying your slaves?

334. - Get out!

335. This is a prestigious university,

336. and I am not saying one more word to you!

337. - You think you can do whatever you want

338. just because your corporation is a university?

339. This country was founded on the ideals

340. that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves

341. while the rest of us wallow in poverty!

342. Screw you, sir. I'm goin' home.

343. - Here's the thing.

344. Whether or not I'm a part of it,

345. Crack Baby Basketball is popular.

346. Somebody's going to do it.

347. So the only way for me to try and help the situation

348. is to be involved in it

349. so that I can steer things in a direction

350. that's more beneficial to the actual crack babies.

351. Oh, it's so easy for you, isn't it?

352. I mean, what do you have to do except lay there

353. and think about what you did at school today

354. or what you want to watch on TV tomorrow?

355. Well, sorry, Skippy,

356. but the world isn't always black and white.

357. Just because some people are born poorer than others

358. doesn't mean I can't enjoy a few McDonald's French fries

359. in a hot tub of gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken!

360. - McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of KFC gravy?

361. - It happens to be called poutine in Montreal!

362. - How hard can it be, Clyde?

363. You walk up to Slash when he's playing at the mall,

364. and you offer him a deal!

365. - We must have just missed him.

366. He was playing at Cherry Creek mall

367. and then Flatirons mall.

368. Now we don't know where to go

369. because Slash is playing the Pavilion in Colorado Springs

370. and the Gigadome in Moscow later this afternoon.

371. - How can Slash be playing in Colorado Springs

372. and Moscow at the same time?

373. - We don't know. He's everywhere.

374. - Look, you morons,

375. Slash clearly has a fan club, right?

376. So just go to the post office

377. and find out where the mail gets sent,

378. and then you have Slash's home address.

379. - Oh, that's a good idea.

380. - Yeah, it's a good idea!

381. Now go get us Slash for halftime!

382. Jesus Christ!

383. Are we the only two intelligent people

384. in this entire company, Kyle?

385. God damn!

386. - All right, Cartman, I've been doing

387. a lot of thinking about how the company

388. is gonna spend the money we make off the EA Sports deal.

389. We are going to use 30% of the money

390. to build an orphanage for the crack babies.

391. - What?

392. - I've designed it to be the best place for them to live,

393. a place where they can finally

394. have the care and happiness they deserve.

395. And if you think it's a bad idea,

396. I really don't care!

397. - Oh, my God.

398. It's genius, Kyle!

399. - What?

400. - This is the answer to our problems!

401. A $300,000 building, but we buy ourselves

402. a million dollars' worth of goodwill with the public!

403. We can say we gave our "student athletes"

404. a place to live and grow for a few years!

405. It's like moral Teflon!

406. I knew we needed a Jew in this company, Kyle!

407. Great work!

408. - Let me get this straight.

409. You kids want me to tell you where Slash lives?

410. - Please, sir, it's very important.

411. - Well, I'm afraid I can't do that, kids.

412. - But we have a big deal with EA Sports

413. that depends on it.

414. - Come on!

415. Kids write to Slash every day.

416. But it all just goes into this big pile over here.

417. The reason I can't tell you where Slash lives

418. is because he don't live nowhere.

419. Don't you ever wonder how Slash can be all those places

420. at the same time?

421. It's because he's made-up.

422. - Don't spoil it for the kids, Marty!

423. It's up to parents to decide

424. when to tell their children Slash ain't real.

425. - Hello?

426. - Dad, is Slash real or make-believe?

427. - Oh, dear.

428. Clyde's asking about Slash.

429. - Ooh. Well, the day had to come.

430. - Clyde, the truth is, Slash isn't a person.

431. He's more like a feeling in your heart, you know?

432. - Slash isn't real.

433. - Get out of here.

434. - Clyde, sometimes people like to pretend

435. with make-believe characters.

436. He's not really a lie.

437. He's like a- - He's like love.

438. People all over the world dress up like Slash

439. and have different names for Slash.

440. The Dutch call him Vunter Slaush.

441. - He's made-up, and people dress like him

442. and pretend to be him to their kids.

443. - Your mother's Dutch, you know, Clyde.

444. How did that old folk song go, honey?

445. - And so 30% of the money we make

446. off of the licensing agreement with EA Sports

447. goes to the orphanage for the needy crack babies.

448. Did you see the blueprints?

449. The babies will have their own putt-putt golf course.

450. Why does it matter how much I'm making, Stan?

451. If the crack babies are getting a place to grow and develop,

452. why does my salary matter?

453. - You guys! You guys!

454. We've got some bad news.

455. Slash isn't real.

456. - What?

457. - Slash isn't real.

458. He's a made-up person that represents care and giving,

459. and people dress up like him and lie to their kids.

460. - Slash is make-believe?

461. - Here, look for yourself.

462. He's based on a fable of a Dutch saint named Vunter Slaush.

463. - Vunter Slaush? - What?

464. - But then who played at my eighth birthday party?

465. - One of our parents.

466. - But then who was the guitar player for Guns N' Roses?

467. - One of our parents!

468. - Are you fucking serious?

469. - You guys are ten years old,

470. and you just figured out that Slash isn't real?

471. Oh, my God.

472. - You knew about this?

473. - My parents told me Slash wasn't real when I was five.

474. Jesus Christ!

475. - Well, what the heck do we do now?

476. - Look, let's just get our money from EA Sports

477. and get out of this whole thing once and for all!

478. Boys, I want to thank you

479. for bringing the CBAA franchise here to EA Sports.

480. You've made us a lot of money!

481. - Wait a minute.

482. According to this, you now own all the rights

483. to Crack Baby Basketball and we get nothing.

484. - Yes, our lawyers are damn good.

485. But you didn't get nothing.

486. Why, you boys got experience, didn't you?

487. You got a chance to play in the big leagues.

488. Sure, we here at EA might have made all the money,

489. but you little workers had a chance

490. to make somethin' of yourselves.

491. I'd give you some free video games,

492. but it's against the rules.

493. - You can't do this!

494. We were gonna build an orphanage

495. so the crack babies have somewhere to go!

496. - Oh, well...

497. fuck 'em.

498. And fuck you too.

499. I piss in your faces.

500. - I just can't believe Slash isn't real.

501. - I know.

502. It's messing with my head so hard.

503. - You guys, we've just been screwed over and lied to!

504. - I know, right?

505. I was always extra good before my birthday, too,

506. because I was told Slash would come and play for me.

507. - Well, boys, this has been real educational and all,

508. but now let's part with that old EA Sports sayin':

509. Get the fuck out of my buildin'.

510. - It's unbelievable, Stan.

511. EA Sports just used us the entire time.

512. We worked for nothing, and EA made all the money.

513. No, I don't think we actually deserved getting screwed over.

514. But-but I guess making tons of money

515. off of people who are making nothing

516. is always gonna cause problems.

517. I know! I know, right?

518. We might have got screwed, but the really tragic thing

519. is that those- those poor crack babies

520. at the hospitals are just gonna be stuck there

521. with nowhere to go.

522. No way!

523. This is it! - It's what?

524. - This is it, Stan!

525. It's just like I designed it!

526. There's the miniature golf course over there

527. and slides and the-

528. Excuse me. What is this place?

529. - Isn't it wonderful?

530. All the crack babies will have a home now.

531. - But who paid for all this?

532. - Kyle, Kyle! Look.

533. - You don't think that-

534. But he isn't real.

535. - Maybe.

536. Or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all.

537. - He is real, you guys.