1. - Here you go!
Here you go!Copy !req
2. Don't forget
to vote, everyone!Copy !req
3. Here you go, fellas.Copy !req
4. Be sure to get these
handed in tomorrow.Copy !req
5. - What's this?Copy !req
6. - Every student needs
to go home and voteCopy !req
7. on their favorite choice
in each category:Copy !req
8. favorite comedy actor,
favorite comedy movie.Copy !req
9. And then on Friday
during lunch and recess,Copy !req
10. we're gonna have
a big, f-f-fantasticCopy !req
11. comedy awards show!Copy !req
12. - Dude, an awards show
just for comedyCopy !req
13. sounds like a bad idea.Copy !req
14. - Fellas, do you have any idea
how difficult comedy is?Copy !req
15. Can't we just spend one lunch
and recess saying thanksCopy !req
16. to those who make us smile
and laugh every day?Copy !req
17. - Yeah, look, I don't think
I can make it, Jimmy.Copy !req
18. - Yeah, sorry, dude.
I can't make it either.Copy !req
19. - Attention, students, mkay.Copy !req
20. There will be a presentationCopy !req
21. by the Special Ed Department
in the gymnasiumCopy !req
22. Friday during lunch
and recess, mkay.Copy !req
23. Attendance to this assembly
is mandatory.Copy !req
24. All students and faculty
are required to go.Copy !req
25. Which—which I guess means
I gotta suck it too, huh, mkay.Copy !req
26. - Aw, man, really?
- Don't worry, everybody.Copy !req
27. I've spared no expense
to make my comedy awardsCopy !req
28. the biggest thing
this school has ever seen.Copy !req
29. You're all gonna have
a blast!Copy !req
30. Welcome to the Special Ed
Department'sCopy !req
31. First Annual Comedy Awards.Copy !req
32. - Please welcome
your host, Jimmy Valmer!Copy !req
33. Woo! Woo-hoo! Yeah!Copy !req
34. - Oh, boy,
what a terrific audience.Copy !req
35. Can I get a wh—wh-
what-what?Copy !req
36. We are here today
to honor thoseCopy !req
37. who tirelessly work
so hard to make us laugh.Copy !req
38. The first comedy award
we are presentingCopy !req
39. is for the funniest kid
in school.Copy !req
40. And the nominees are...Copy !req
41. - Clyde Donovan.Copy !req
42. Kelly P. Gardner.Copy !req
43. Jimmy Valmer.Copy !req
44. - Oh, wow, this is
so exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
45. And the winner is...Copy !req
46. Oh, my gosh!
Jimmy Valmer!Copy !req
47. I can't believe I won!Copy !req
48. - Wow, this is
the greatest day of my life.Copy !req
49. Thanks, everyone,
for this incredible award.Copy !req
50. - Can we go now?
- Go?Copy !req
51. We still have
over 50 awards to hand out.Copy !req
52. - And the winner
for best comedy performanceCopy !req
53. Come on up here, Ben!Copy !req
54. Is Ben Stiller here?Copy !req
55. No? Huh.Copy !req
56. I guess Ben Stiller
could not be with us tonight,Copy !req
57. so I'll accept this award
on his behalf.Copy !req
58. And the award for funniestCopy !req
59. Correspondents' Dinner
speech goes to...Copy !req
60. President Obama!Copy !req
61. Is President Obama here?Copy !req
62. No?Copy !req
63. I guess we'll just accept
this award on his behalf.Copy !req
64. - Wow, what a terrific audience.
Isn't this great?Copy !req
65. Can I get another
wh-wh-what-what?Copy !req
66. And now it's time
to give out the awardCopy !req
67. for the least funny people
in the world.Copy !req
68. And the nominees are...Copy !req
69. - The Germans.Copy !req
70. The Japanese.Copy !req
71. The Yupik Eskimos
of the Chukchi Peninsula.Copy !req
72. - And the winner is...Copy !req
73. the Germans!Copy !req
74. Uh, I guess, unfortunately,Copy !req
75. the Germans could not be
with us tonight,Copy !req
76. so I will accept this award
on their behalf.Copy !req
77. Auf wiedersehen!Copy !req
78. And now for
the Kathy Griffin award.Copy !req
79. The Kathy Griffin award
will be given each yearCopy !req
80. to the person
who is most likelyCopy !req
81. to actually show up
to receiveCopy !req
82. their Kathy Griffin award.Copy !req
83. And the winner is...Copy !req
84. Tyler Perry.Copy !req
85. - Yeah!
Yeah!Copy !req
86. Yeah!Copy !req
87. - Oh, man, I want
to thank you allCopy !req
88. for this amazing award!Copy !req
89. Or as Medea would say,Copy !req
90. "Hallelujer!"Copy !req
91. Oh, God,
how embarrassing.Copy !req
92. - Good afternoont!
Helllerrr!Copy !req
93. I'd also really like
to thank my-Copy !req
94. - Okay, thanks,
Tyler Perry.Copy !req
95. I just don't
understand it, Dad.Copy !req
96. It's like nobody cared about
winning their comedy award.Copy !req
97. The only people that showed up
were me and Tyler Perry.Copy !req
98. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
99. - I really feel like I did
all that work for nothing.Copy !req
100. People still think comedy
is nothing but a big joke.Copy !req
101. I mean, come on.Copy !req
102. - Hmm. Mm-hm.Copy !req
103. - Dad, I'm really feeling
sad and let down right now,Copy !req
104. and I feel like I can't even
get a response from you.Copy !req
105. Could I at the very leastCopy !req
106. please just get
a wh-wh-what-what?Copy !req
107. - What... what?Copy !req
108. - Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
109. - Jimmy, they're talking
about your comedy awardsCopy !req
110. on the national news!Copy !req
111. - The national news?
Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
112. People do care!Copy !req
113. - A school in Colorado
has declared GermansCopy !req
114. the least-funny people
in the world.Copy !req
115. The First Annual
Comedy AwardsCopy !req
116. were held by
the schoolchildren yesterday,Copy !req
117. and all of Germany
is outraged.Copy !req
118. Ja, ja, ja.Copy !req
119. - The German president
went on to assure the worldCopy !req
120. that Germans have
a great sense of humor,Copy !req
121. and that retaliation
towards the schoolchildrenCopy !req
122. who said they don't will be
swift and brutal.Copy !req
123. - Jimmy!
Hey, Jimmy!Copy !req
124. - Dude, what the hell?
Did you see the news?Copy !req
125. - We told you doing a comedy
awards show was a bad idea.Copy !req
126. Now all of Germany
is pissed off at us!Copy !req
127. - D-don't worry, fellas.
Everything's gonna be okay.Copy !req
128. - Okay?Copy !req
129. Jimmy, do you what happened
to the last peopleCopy !req
130. Germans we're pissed off at?Copy !req
131. Tell him, Kyle.Copy !req
132. - Fellas, I know Germany
isn't happy with us,Copy !req
133. but you have to admit
that in a lot of ways,Copy !req
134. the First Annual Comedy
Awards was a big success.Copy !req
135. - A big success?Copy !req
136. You can't even get
Tyler Perry to go back home!Copy !req
137. - Hallelujer!Copy !req
138. Somebody call the IHOP,Copy !req
139. 'cause I need pancakes!Copy !req
140. - Is it true?
The Germans want to kill us?Copy !req
141. - Yeah, thanks to Jimmy!Copy !req
142. - Now, don't worry,
everybody.Copy !req
143. I'm sure that Germany
can take a jokeCopy !req
144. just like the rest of us.Copy !req
145. - It's the Germans!Copy !req
146. - Hey-ooh!Copy !req
147. - Schritt! Schritt!Copy !req
148. Schritt oder alle sterben!Copy !req
149. - Ja, ja,
lass die Hände hoch!Copy !req
150. - Niemand ficken Schritt.Copy !req
151. - Glaubst du dass die
Deutscher kein Humor hat, huh?Copy !req
152. - Jimmy, you've got
to explain to the GermansCopy !req
153. that this is your fault,
not ours!Copy !req
154. - What am I supposed to say?Copy !req
155. - Ugh!
Let me talk to them.Copy !req
156. - Was machst du?
Rück mit die andern.Copy !req
157. - Hör zu, diese ganze Dinge
ist ein Fehler.Copy !req
158. - Wie ein Fehler?Copy !req
159. - Wir egal un die
Comedy Awarding Thing.Copy !req
160. Es war Kinder
der special education.Copy !req
161. Sie macht uns wählen.Copy !req
162. - Wollen Sie endlich
beutren sein?Copy !req
163. - Dürfen wir der Kind
dort... geboten?Copy !req
164. Er ist Jud.
Huh?Copy !req
165. Ein schöne, saftig Jud.Copy !req
166. Er ist frisch
und wunderhübsch.Copy !req
167. Wunderhübsch!Copy !req
168. - Zurück!Copy !req
169. Mit ander, oder sterben!Copy !req
170. Well, I tried.Copy !req
171. - What the hell are
they gonna do to us?Copy !req
172. - Oh, my lerrrd!Copy !req
173. What're we gonna derrr?Copy !req
174. Aw, damn it.Copy !req
175. - Kommen auf, schnell!Copy !req
176. Wir warten zu lang!Copy !req
177. Schnell, schnell!Copy !req
178. - Schell!Copy !req
179. - Ja, ja, das ist gut!Copy !req
180. - Zeigen Sie ihnen!
- Zeigen Sie ihnen!Copy !req
181. Did you hear thatCopy !req
182. the governor's mansion
in Alabama burned down?Copy !req
183. It pretty much took out
the whole trailer park.Copy !req
184. - Ja! Ja!Copy !req
185. Now what do you say, man?Copy !req
186. Here is the greatest feat
of German engineering!Copy !req
187. The XJ-212
Vootzenklein Funnybot!Copy !req
188. - Why doesn't
a chicken wear pants?Copy !req
189. Because its pecker
is on its head.Copy !req
190. What do you seeCopy !req
191. when the Pillsbury
doughboy bends over?Copy !req
192. Dough-nuts.Copy !req
193. - Don't you just hate
doing homework?Copy !req
194. Yeah!Copy !req
195. - Me too.
Man, I hate homework.Copy !req
196. Honestly, I hate having
to do homeworkCopy !req
197. more than I hate having
to do Bryant GumbelCopy !req
198. in his asshole.Copy !req
199. Awkward!Copy !req
200. Awkward!
Awkward!Copy !req
201. - And now,
Comedy Award voters,Copy !req
202. you will re-vote.Copy !req
203. Re-vote!Copy !req
204. - Welcome to
Hollywood Minute.Copy !req
205. I'm Sandy Cervix,
and I'm deaf in one ear.Copy !req
206. It's been two weeks now
since the prestigious votersCopy !req
207. of the Comedy Awards
reversed their voteCopy !req
208. and said Germans
were no longerCopy !req
209. the least funny people
in the world,Copy !req
210. all thanks
to the new groundbreakingCopy !req
211. German comedian, Funnybot.Copy !req
212. It was after being votedCopy !req
213. the least-funny people
on the planetCopy !req
214. that the Germans first
engineered Funnybot,Copy !req
215. a super automaton
with perfect timingCopy !req
216. to within
.0001 milliseconds.Copy !req
217. Since then, Funnybot has seen
a meteoric rise to stardom,Copy !req
218. selling out stand-up theaters
all over the world.Copy !req
219. - I am Funnybot.Copy !req
220. Don't you hate how
MexicansCopy !req
221. always complain about
turtlesCopy !req
222. in their vaginas?Copy !req
223. I am Funnybot.Copy !req
224. You, sir.
Where are you from?Copy !req
225. - Long Island!Copy !req
226. - Does everyone
in Long lslandCopy !req
227. have hair that looks like
pussy you dipshit?Copy !req
228. - Funnybot has exploded
onto the silver screen too!Copy !req
229. - Hey, what are you doing
with my daughters?Copy !req
230. - Oh!
- Ah!Copy !req
231. - Awkward!Copy !req
232. - And this June,
Funnybot shows off his rangeCopy !req
233. by playing every role
in Family Funbot.Copy !req
234. - Pass me the potatoes,
mother.Copy !req
235. - Pass them yourself.Copy !req
236. - That boy too fat to be
eating potatoes.Copy !req
237. - Don't you call my little
chubby baby fat,Copy !req
238. you ball licker.Copy !req
239. - Oh, ho, it's getting hot
up in here.Copy !req
240. - Funnybot, is there a line
you won't cross?Copy !req
241. - The line is a non sequitur.Copy !req
242. The line is
an imaginary inventionCopy !req
243. of imperfect
biological life-forms.Copy !req
244. I am Funnybot.Copy !req
245. - What's that?Copy !req
246. Could you say that
in the other ear?Copy !req
247. - Oh, man did you guys
see FunnybotCopy !req
248. on Saturday Night Live?Copy !req
249. - No, no, you guys gotta see
Funnybot in Hangover3.Copy !req
250. I'm telling you,
it's his best work.Copy !req
251. - He can do everything!Copy !req
252. I saw Funnybot on Nurse Jackie
and on Rockin' the Boat.Copy !req
253. - What's the matter, Jimmy?
You still seem bummed.Copy !req
254. - What's the matter is,
this FunnybotCopy !req
255. has taking the humanity
out of comedy.Copy !req
256. I don't think things
are better.Copy !req
257. I think they're worse.Copy !req
258. - Yeah, everything's worse!Copy !req
259. It's worser than the worst;
that's what I'm sayin'.Copy !req
260. Oh, lerrrd!Copy !req
261. - Token, stop giving
Tyler Perry money,Copy !req
262. or he won't go away!Copy !req
263. - I can't help it!Copy !req
264. - All I can say is, I'm glad
the Germans are back in GermanyCopy !req
265. and nobody's pissed off
at us anymore.Copy !req
266. - Hands up!
- Get in there!Copy !req
267. - Let's go!
- Let's see those hands!Copy !req
268. Get those hands up!
- You little shits!Copy !req
269. What the fuck
have you done to us?Copy !req
270. - Oh, wow.
It's Adam Sandler.Copy !req
271. - Everyone into the school
gymnasium! Move!Copy !req
272. - No, dude, don't make us
go back in the-Copy !req
273. - Into the gymnasium now!Copy !req
274. - Aww!
- Jeez!Copy !req
275. - Not again.
- Ah, crap.Copy !req
276. - Come on, come on,
let's go!Copy !req
277. - You little fuckers!Copy !req
278. Your Comedy Awards show
has put us all out of work!Copy !req
279. - Now, look,
I know that I've putCopy !req
280. every comedian
in the world out of work,Copy !req
281. but you have to admit
that in a lot of ways,Copy !req
282. the First Annual Comedy Awards
were a big success.Copy !req
283. - Who the fuck
thinks a comedy awards showCopy !req
284. is a good idea?Copy !req
285. - Don't hurt anybody, sir.Copy !req
286. We can try and fix this!Copy !req
287. - What is up with
Sandra Bullock?Copy !req
288. I wouldn't eat her dick
withCopy !req
289. Stevie Wonder's
vagina.Copy !req
290. And now for my nextjoke.Copy !req
291. Awkward!Copy !req
292. - This is breaking news
from CNN.Copy !req
293. - Shock and disbelief tonightCopy !req
294. as the German-engineered
FunnybotCopy !req
295. delivered his opening lines
at the Hollywood Forum,Copy !req
296. then opened fire
on the audience of 1,100,Copy !req
297. killing nearly all of them.Copy !req
298. Spectators say the violent
attack was unmotivated,Copy !req
299. irrational, and also
pretty goddamn funny,Copy !req
300. solidifying the opinion
once again that FunnybotCopy !req
301. may be the greatest comedian
of all time.Copy !req
302. - Tom, you should have seen
the looks on people's faces,Copy !req
303. as Funnybot began
his opening monologue,Copy !req
304. skewering everyoneCopy !req
305. from vagina-obsessed
Hispanics to Sandra Bullock,Copy !req
306. then spontaneously started
shooting people-Copy !req
307. In their facesCopy !req
308. and in their chests.Copy !req
309. The blood went flying, and-
oh, shit, it was funny!Copy !req
310. - Here we go, this has
got to be it right here.Copy !req
311. - Excuse me, we want
to talk to Funnybot.Copy !req
312. - Who doesn't want
to talk to Funnybot?Copy !req
313. He's the biggest comedian
in the world!Copy !req
314. - Please, sir,
the kids at my schoolCopy !req
315. are all being held hostage,Copy !req
316. and if we don't
speak to Funnybot,Copy !req
317. they could all be killed.Copy !req
318. - Butters! Butters,
is everything okay?Copy !req
319. - Well, yeah, it's okay,Copy !req
320. but Jay Leno's
really losing it.Copy !req
321. - Little fuckers!
Let's just kill 'em, Sandler!Copy !req
322. Let's kill 'em all
right fucking now!Copy !req
323. - Tell your friends
they better get it done!Copy !req
324. - Mr. Sandler says
you better get it done!Copy !req
325. And Token says to hurryCopy !req
326. because he's running out
of money.Copy !req
327. - You know
when a man be cheatin'Copy !req
328. he never know what to say.Copy !req
329. But a woman?Copy !req
330. Them things think quick!Copy !req
331. - Will somebody get
Tyler Perry to shut up?Copy !req
332. - Please, sir.
They're gonna kill our friends!Copy !req
333. - All right,
but make it quick.Copy !req
334. Funnybot is very busy
in thereCopy !req
335. coming up with new material.Copy !req
336. - Error! Error! Banal!Copy !req
337. That has been done before!
Error!Copy !req
338. - Excuse me, Funnybot.Copy !req
339. My name is Jimmy,
and I'm a stand-up comic.Copy !req
340. You're putting a lot
of good people out of work.Copy !req
341. - Non sequitur.Copy !req
342. Other comedians
are unnecessary.Copy !req
343. Funnybot must finish routine.Copy !req
344. - I think you're awesome,
Funnybot,Copy !req
345. but you can't go around
taking everyone else's jobs.Copy !req
346. - Funnybot is now finished
with final joke.Copy !req
347. Seeking mainframe accessCopy !req
348. for execution
of lastjoke ever.Copy !req
349. - Last joke ever?
What's that supposed to mean?Copy !req
350. - Seeking mainframe.Copy !req
351. - Hey, whoa!
You can't go that way.Copy !req
352. Aah!Copy !req
353. - What the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
354. - I am taking comedy
to the next level:Copy !req
355. the extermination
of all biological life on Earth.Copy !req
356. - Wh-what?Copy !req
357. - It is the ultimate joke.Copy !req
358. Humans make comedy.Copy !req
359. Humans build robot.Copy !req
360. Robot ends all life on Earth.Copy !req
361. Robot feels awkward.Copy !req
362. Exterminate!Copy !req
363. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!Copy !req
364. What do you mean you're gonna
destroy all life on Earth?Copy !req
365. - That is my purpose,
to be the ultimate co-median.Copy !req
366. - Dude, killing everyone
isn't funny!Copy !req
367. - It's kind of funny,
you guys.Copy !req
368. - Funnybot, this is not
a good joke.Copy !req
369. There won't be
anyone around to laugh.Copy !req
370. - I am taking comedy
to its logical conclusion.Copy !req
371. Mathematical equation
of comedyCopy !req
372. used to be setup,
punch line.Copy !req
373. Today's comedy is setup,Copy !req
374. punch line, then "awkward."Copy !req
375. nothing is more "awkward"Copy !req
376. than destroying all that
which created Funnybot.Copy !req
377. - But don't you see?Copy !req
378. This is why comedy
is for humans.Copy !req
379. You need to leave the jokesCopy !req
380. to people like me
and Adam Sandler.Copy !req
381. - I wouldn't let
Adam SandlerCopy !req
382. suck my
saggy titsCopy !req
383. for $1 million dollars' worth
of Oprah's tampons.Copy !req
384. - Sir, we've got a code six!Copy !req
385. All nuclear missiles
are preparing for launch!Copy !req
386. - What? There was
no drill ordered!Copy !req
387. - It's no drill, Sir.Copy !req
388. The Russians are saying
their missilesCopy !req
389. are going online as well,
and it isn't their doing!Copy !req
390. - What the hell is going on?Copy !req
391. - Attention, humans.
I am Funnybot.Copy !req
392. The extermination of all life
on Earth shall now commence.Copy !req
393. All nuclear devicesCopy !req
394. in the United States
and RussiaCopy !req
395. are being prepared to launch.Copy !req
396. This is the setup
to the joke.Copy !req
397. Prepare for punch line
in five minutes.Copy !req
398. Awkwardness
in 5.4 minutes.Copy !req
399. I am Funnybot.Copy !req
400. - I have just been briefedCopy !req
401. that the end of our country
is imminent.Copy !req
402. Good-bye, everybody.Copy !req
403. I am going to spend
my final minutes on this EarthCopy !req
404. with my loved onesCopy !req
405. watching
a Tyler Perry movie.Copy !req
406. I know.
It's embarrassing.Copy !req
407. But I simply
can't help myself.Copy !req
408. - Stop it now-Copy !req
409. aah!Copy !req
410. No use, guys.Copy !req
411. He's got some kind
of defense mechanism.Copy !req
412. - We've got to get it away
from that control panel.Copy !req
413. Does anybody have
any ideas?Copy !req
414. - Except for Jimmy,
because he clearlyCopy !req
415. comes up with the worst ideas
in the world.Copy !req
416. - Wait!
Wait a minute.Copy !req
417. What about a logic loop?
- A what?Copy !req
418. - I've seen this before.Copy !req
419. Whenever they try to distract
a robot in the movies,Copy !req
420. they tell it
some kind of paradoxCopy !req
421. to get its processors
all tripped out.Copy !req
422. - Paradox.
- Oh, my God, that's it!Copy !req
423. Fellas, get me a Ken doll
and some scotch tape.Copy !req
424. Funnybot, I've been talking
it over with the fellas,Copy !req
425. and actually, we think
what you're doing is genius.Copy !req
426. - Funnybot is simply pushing
the limits of comedy.Copy !req
427. - Yes, you certainly are.Copy !req
428. And for doing that, we have
all decided to give you...Copy !req
429. a comedy award!Copy !req
430. - For what purpose
is comedy award?Copy !req
431. - It's a va-validation
of all your efforts.Copy !req
432. An acknowledgement of all
you do in the pursuit of humor.Copy !req
433. - Non sequitur.Copy !req
434. There is no logic
in comedy award.Copy !req
435. Unable to process.Copy !req
436. Comedy award is-
what is the meaning?Copy !req
437. If I accept, it means
I take comedy seriously.Copy !req
438. If I take comedy seriously,
I am not comedian.Copy !req
439. Non sequitur.Copy !req
440. Must analyze...Copy !req
441. analyze!Copy !req
442. - It's working!
- Explain comedy award!Copy !req
443. Unable to process!Copy !req
444. Awkward!Copy !req
445. - That's it!
Hurry! Go!Copy !req
446. - Okay, we got it.
We got it!Copy !req
447. - Get it to the platform.
Hurry!Copy !req
448. - Well, that does it.Copy !req
449. Things can finally
get back to normal.Copy !req
450. - Yeah, I'm sure glad
that's over with.Copy !req
451. - Thank you, boys,
for teaching meCopy !req
452. that comedy and logic
do not go together.Copy !req
453. - No problem, Funnybot.Copy !req
454. - I understand now
that comedy should be leftCopy !req
455. to the imperfect
biological beings.Copy !req
456. - I can't believe
it's finally over.Copy !req
457. - Oh, lerrrd!Copy !req
458. Somebody turn on the lights!Copy !req
459. What's going on?Copy !req
460. Hellerrr!Copy !req
461. - I am pleased to announceCopy !req
462. that the greatest threat
to mankindCopy !req
463. is now gone forever.Copy !req
464. Justice has been done.Copy !req
465. - Thanks, everyone.Copy !req
466. Please tell me that you'll never
do that again, Jimmy.Copy !req
467. - Don't worry, fellas.
I learned my lesson.Copy !req
468. I promise.Copy !req
469. There's not gonna be
any comedy awards next year!Copy !req
470. - Or will there be?Copy !req