1. Okay, children let's
all take our seats!Copy !req
2. As you all know,
Thanksgiving is only two weeks away.Copy !req
3. And so the school has arranged for a
lecture from a real live native American.Copy !req
4. Ooooh neat-o! Huh fellas?Copy !req
5. Hello, boys and girls,
my name is David "running horse" Sawitzki.Copy !req
6. And I am one-sixteenth
Cherokee Indian.Copy !req
7. Does that mean we only have to pay
one-sixteenth attention to you?Copy !req
8. There's been a lot of stories, about the
first Thanksgiving, and unfortunatelyCopy !req
9. they are mostly geared towards
making the pilgrims look goodCopy !req
10. and my people being
degraded as usual.Copy !req
11. Was Thanksgiving about turkey and peace,
or was it theCopy !req
12. beginning of the genocide
of an entire race?Copy !req
13. Thanksgiving is about murder?Copy !req
14. This is bullcrap.Copy !req
15. A guest speaker comes to our class and
assigns us a report on Thanksgiving?Copy !req
16. Well it is kind of true, you know.Copy !req
17. Thanksgiving is fun and all, but the
native Americans got pretty screwed over.Copy !req
18. Yeah and now my video game time
is getting screwed over by them.Copy !req
19. Hey! Fat ass!Copy !req
20. Instead of laying in bed eating,
why don't you come and help!Copy !req
21. Jesus, Kyle,
you are really being grumpy today.Copy !req
22. We all have to do this
report together, dude.Copy !req
23. You guys, we are wasting time.Copy !req
24. If we have to write a report onCopy !req
25. Thanksgiving let's just go
downstairs and watch TV.Copy !req
26. How is that gonna help?Copy !req
27. Dumb ass, it's November.Copy !req
28. The history channel is probably playing
Thanksgiving specials back to back!Copy !req
29. We can learn everything we need!Copy !req
30. You're watching the History Channel.Copy !req
31. Where the truth, is history.Copy !req
32. A lot has been written about
the first Thanksgiving betweenCopy !req
33. pilgrims and native Americans.Copy !req
34. But what really happened at
that first historic dinner?Copy !req
35. Dude, see? I told you.Copy !req
36. Who needs to read a bunch of stupid
books when we've got History Channel?Copy !req
37. We know the first Thanksgiving
was in the fall of 1621,Copy !req
38. but new evidence suggests
that the first exchanging ofCopy !req
39. foods between pilgririms and native
American may have been visited by aliens!Copy !req
40. In every journal entry we research
from those early pilgrims,Copy !req
41. at the first Thanksgiving table
suggest a kind of alien technology?Copy !req
42. What...?Copy !req
43. This isn't history!Copy !req
44. - Dude, it is called History Channel.
- Yeah!Copy !req
45. And if we look in all the journals
and all the history books,Copy !req
46. there is no reference to
"stuffing" before 1621.Copy !req
47. So, where did it come from?Copy !req
48. Did it come from space?Copy !req
49. We just don't know.Copy !req
50. Did ancient aliens shape
the first Thanksgiving?Copy !req
51. Is it mere coincidence that Cape COD,
when viewed from space,Copy !req
52. looks like an alien life form?Copy !req
53. What exactly did
the pilgrims experience?Copy !req
54. How exactly did those beings
from another world shape theCopy !req
55. dinner we celebrate every November?Copy !req
56. What?Copy !req
57. Kyle why are you being so grumpy?
Are you on your period again?Copy !req
58. We are not basing research
for our report on this crap!Copy !req
59. Okay, let's take a vote.Copy !req
60. Who thinks the possibility of
ancient aliens at ThanksgivingCopy !req
61. makes for an interesting
history report?Copy !req
62. Dude!Copy !req
63. Okay, and who wants to take
a little Pamprin so theirCopy !req
64. menstrual cramps stop
bringing everyone down?Copy !req
65. Kyle.Copy !req
66. Alright fine. Let's just get
this stupid report over with.Copy !req
67. Yes?Copy !req
68. A report from where?Copy !req
69. Does congress know about this yet?Copy !req
70. Try to keep it contained
and get the helicopters ready.Copy !req
71. I'll be there as soon as I can.Copy !req
72. Darling?Copy !req
73. They found something...
this could be it.Copy !req
74. Did you guys know that when you stop
menstruating, it's called menopause?Copy !req
75. What?Copy !req
76. Yeah, God takes your period away, and
apparently it makes you really irritable.Copy !req
77. I was thinking maybe that's why
Kyle's been so grouchy lately,Copy !req
78. because he's going through menopause.Copy !req
79. - Dude shut your fucking mouth!
- See what I mean you guys?Copy !req
80. Is that them?Copy !req
81. That's them.Copy !req
82. You boys have been very busy...Copy !req
83. We need to know
everything that you know.Copy !req
84. About what?Copy !req
85. Have you been contacted
by alien life forms?Copy !req
86. Did you come across some
kind of ship or something?Copy !req
87. Dude, look, we just saw all
this stuff on History Channel.Copy !req
88. We are the History Channel.Copy !req
89. For years we've been collecting
information on Thanksgiving.Copy !req
90. We're getting close to the truth...Copy !req
91. and now you boys have
the exact same information.Copy !req
92. It can't be coincidence.Copy !req
93. We saw it on your channel.Copy !req
94. What exactly did you see?Copy !req
95. That stuffing was never heard of before
1621, so it might be alien technology.Copy !req
96. My God.Copy !req
97. Would you be willing to say
that on camera for an interview.Copy !req
98. Alright,
Butters that's enough MTV for one day.Copy !req
99. You need to watch something
that stimulates your brain.Copy !req
100. I'm putting on History Channel.Copy !req
101. Okay dad!Copy !req
102. You are watching the History Channel.Copy !req
103. The only network
dedicated to history.Copy !req
104. Coming up next, it's Monster Quest!Copy !req
105. Followed by Hairy Bikers.Copy !req
106. But now, back to part three of
Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving!Copy !req
107. It has become a widely accepted
fact that Thanksgiving was aCopy !req
108. meal attended by pilgrims, native
Americans and alien beings.Copy !req
109. Stuffing wasn't mentioned
anywhere until 1621...Copy !req
110. And it might have
been alien technology.Copy !req
111. And while the number of
people who accept the alienCopy !req
112. theory continues to grow some
experts have stepped forwardCopy !req
113. with a wildly different
view all together.Copy !req
114. Could it be that pilgrims were
actually aliens themselves?Copy !req
115. Of course you can't prove there were
no aliens at the first Thanksgiving!Copy !req
116. Just like you can't prove the...Copy !req
117. The pilgrims themselves
weren't aliens.Copy !req
118. Can you prove that?Copy !req
119. Here, draw that Thanksgiving
turkey symbol with your hand,Copy !req
120. maybe that symbol matches
galaxies in space or something!Copy !req
121. Could it be that the pilgrims
we've read about all these yearsCopy !req
122. actually came from another planet?Copy !req
123. History experts
like Kyle Broflovski say 'yes.'Copy !req
124. You might as well just sayCopy !req
125. pilgrims and Indians were all
aliens who came here and madeCopy !req
126. some kind of intergalactic treaty.Copy !req
127. Wow, check it out, dude, we're on TV.Copy !req
128. How can they make
a show out of this?Copy !req
129. I wasn't even agreeing with them!Copy !req
130. What are you doing?Copy !req
131. The first Thanksgiving
was a space treaty?Copy !req
132. Native Americans are aliens?Copy !req
133. I was just explaining how
a negative argument doesn't make a...Copy !req
134. haven't my people
been through enough?Copy !req
135. God damn you!Copy !req
136. Agh dude!Copy !req
137. The white man is gonna
pay for his lies!Copy !req
138. Look at this sir!Copy !req
139. An aerial photograph of Cape COD
where the pilgrims landed in 1620.Copy !req
140. Five pilgrim settlements
with Plymouth rock here.Copy !req
141. The same symbols appear
everywhere in history.Copy !req
142. The symbology lines up to
mirrored points in space!Copy !req
143. If Kyle Broflovski is right, then
Plymouth rock is some kind of wormhole.Copy !req
144. Pilgrims and Indians were the aliens.Copy !req
145. How did we not think of it?Copy !req
146. Sometimes it takes
the innocence of a child to make usCopy !req
147. see the most simple things.Copy !req
148. True dat.Copy !req
149. True dat.Copy !req
150. Get all those tourists out of here!Copy !req
151. We need this place secure.Copy !req
152. Alright people let's clear out.Copy !req
153. We need you all to disperse.Copy !req
154. This area is under quarantine.Copy !req
155. Get me a piece of chalk!Copy !req
156. Nothing...
Guess Kyle Broflovski was wrong.Copy !req
157. Well, at least we weren't
outsmarted by a nine-year-old kid.Copy !req
158. We should have known,
pilgrims couldn't be from space.Copy !req
159. There. You can see it right there.Copy !req
160. An object clearly fell from
the sky and struck the earth.Copy !req
161. What is it?Copy !req
162. It's a pilgrim, sir.Copy !req
163. So then, Professor Broflovski
was right after all.Copy !req
164. Not long ago, it was
an accepted fact that civilizationsCopy !req
165. on Earth shared the universe
with beings from other planets.Copy !req
166. These alien beings visited
our world and once even settled it,Copy !req
167. from deep within the galaxy Canis Major
and a distant planet...Copy !req
168. Called Plymouth.Copy !req
169. Fellow pilgrims!Copy !req
170. The great Captain hath gone missingCopy !req
171. and thine enemies have
attacked our stuffing mines!Copy !req
172. We must prepare for warCopy !req
173. with the Indians!Copy !req
174. Now it is our time!Copy !req
175. We shall attack Plymouth,Copy !req
176. and we will take all their stuffing!Copy !req
177. Mom? Mom!Copy !req
178. Did you already get stuffing
for Thanksgiving dinner?Copy !req
179. What, hon?Copy !req
180. Tell me you've already got
everything we need for Thanksgiving!Copy !req
181. Oh, Thanksgiving's still
a couple weeks away, sweetie,Copy !req
182. I haven't gone shoppies yet.Copy !req
183. Oh God! Oh no!Copy !req
184. What is it, hon?Copy !req
185. Clyde Donovan said that he saw on the
news there's a massive stuffing shortage!Copy !req
186. Get your coat on mom,
we gotta go to the store!Copy !req
187. You guys have stuffing?Copy !req
188. Stuffing?Copy !req
189. Sure, aisle seventeen.Copy !req
190. Oh! We're not too late!
Mother come!Copy !req
191. Hey!
Where is it?Copy !req
192. It's right there, right on the...Copy !req
193. Wait, that can't be right.Copy !req
194. Hey Chet?Copy !req
195. What happened to all the stuffing?Copy !req
196. What are you talking about?Copy !req
197. We got more in the back, right?Copy !req
198. I just did inventory in the back,Copy !req
199. it was all put out here.Copy !req
200. You mean it's two weeks
until ThanksgivingCopy !req
201. and we're completely
out of stuffing?Copy !req
202. Oh no!Copy !req
203. No!Copy !req
204. No!Copy !req
205. Nooooo!Copy !req
206. You dare come to Plymouth,
Ambassador?Copy !req
207. After attacking our stuffing mines?Copy !req
208. The stuffing mines were never yours.Copy !req
209. Without control of the minesCopy !req
210. we cannot supply stuffing
to the mortals, Ambassador!Copy !req
211. This will be war!Copy !req
212. You are in no position
to declare war.Copy !req
213. Your lead commander is
nowhere to be found.Copy !req
214. And how knoweth you that?Copy !req
215. Word travels fast in our sector.Copy !req
216. I do not give three bowls of
stuffing what sayeth you.Copy !req
217. We will take back control
of the stuffing mines.Copy !req
218. Then the Thanksgiving
treaty will be off!Copy !req
219. And I pray to stuffing
that you are wrong.Copy !req
220. Where are you, Miles Standish?Copy !req
221. And furthermore!Copy !req
222. Everything Kyle Broflovski saidCopy !req
223. about native Americans being
from outer space was untrue.Copy !req
224. Native Americans were brutalizedCopy !req
225. and David Sawitzski's
ancestors deserve an apology!Copy !req
226. It was wrong to mix
aliens and real history!Copy !req
227. I dunno, dude, have you seen
that stuff about the pyramidsCopy !req
228. and the link to Mars?Copy !req
229. Dude! There's a guy with a gun here!Copy !req
230. I'm just saying there are
lots of symbols and signs outCopy !req
231. there that show aliens and
history are pretty linked.Copy !req
232. Will you guys stop?Copy !req
233. Just keep writing your apology!Copy !req
234. How now Indian?Copy !req
235. Why hath thy race sent
me here to Earth?Copy !req
236. Dude!Copy !req
237. You Indians took me to thy
planet and then cast me here!Copy !req
238. Why!Copy !req
239. Go dude!Copy !req
240. Hath thy race attacked our stuffing
mines and sent me here to die!Copy !req
241. Tell me Indian!Copy !req
242. I'm only 1/16!Copy !req
243. Hold your lying tongue!Copy !req
244. This shall prove if thou
arts Indian or not!Copy !req
245. Ah, he was not!Copy !req
246. I didn't think so.Copy !req
247. I hath been told of your expertise,
Kyle of Devry Institute!Copy !req
248. I need your wisdom to
get back to my planet!Copy !req
249. Into the wheeled chariot
that strucketh me!Copy !req
250. We must make haste to Cape COD!Copy !req
251. Who's this?Copy !req
252. This is Natalie.Copy !req
253. Hi guys!Copy !req
254. Alright, sir, we got some more information
on the pilgrim who crashed to Earth.Copy !req
255. Thirty seconds after impact the
pilgrim was hit by a truck andCopy !req
256. then put in the back seat.Copy !req
257. Who did the truck belong to?Copy !req
258. We believe it belonged
to Natalie Portman, sir.Copy !req
259. The actress?
This doesn't make sense!Copy !req
260. It gets worse.Copy !req
261. All over the country people are
reporting a shortage of stuffing.Copy !req
262. We don't think it's coincidence.Copy !req
263. You're telling me that somehow during a
stuffing shortage, this pilgrim droppedCopy !req
264. down from space and got into a
truck driven by Natalie Portman?Copy !req
265. Look, if anyone knows about
stuffing it's Natalie Portman!Copy !req
266. We have to find Professor Broflovski.Copy !req
267. He was right about all of this.Copy !req
268. He'll know what to do.Copy !req
269. We shall make camp
here for the night.Copy !req
270. On the morrow perhaps
we can reach Cape COD.Copy !req
271. And Thanksgiving may yet be saved.Copy !req
272. What is wrong with Kyle
of Devry Institute?Copy !req
273. I think he's just kind of
pissed off he was wrong aboutCopy !req
274. the whole Ancient Aliens thing.Copy !req
275. He seems almost like a puritan lady
whose period hath stopped.Copy !req
276. I fear, Kyle, that you still do
not know who's side to be on.Copy !req
277. No. I don't.Copy !req
278. It must have been
very difficult for you.Copy !req
279. Being the one on your planet
with his wild theories thatCopy !req
280. pilgrims and Indians
were not of this world.Copy !req
281. I actually only just
said that sarcastically.Copy !req
282. Then you are only just a
remarkably gifted child.Copy !req
283. Here, let me show you.Copy !req
284. Your planet is one of the five.Copy !req
285. Plymouth.Copy !req
286. Indi.Copy !req
287. Colthenheim.Copy !req
288. And this planet over here
nobody really cares about.Copy !req
289. The five are connected
by a series of wormholes.Copy !req
290. My people came to your world,
and so did our enemies.Copy !req
291. But we made a treaty, and for 300
years our people have not fought...Copy !req
292. But now... that treaty is over.Copy !req
293. But I always read
that native Americans were here,Copy !req
294. and the pilgrims and other settlers
kind of took their lands from them.Copy !req
295. You can't believe what
everyone tells you, Kyle.Copy !req
296. You have to open your eyes.Copy !req
297. Soon your wisdom will open the
wormhole back to Plymouth,Copy !req
298. and the stuffing mines
can again be ours.Copy !req
299. For he who controls the stuffing...Copy !req
300. Controls the universe.Copy !req
301. Hold it right there!Copy !req
302. We found Professor Broflovski!Copy !req
303. He is with the pilgrim!Copy !req
304. Stay back all of you!Copy !req
305. I will get to Cape COD
and cannot be stopped!Copy !req
306. Come boys, let us fight to the death!Copy !req
307. Wait stop! Stop!Copy !req
308. Please, Mr. Standish, we are
all on the same side here.Copy !req
309. We know why there's
a stuffing shortage.Copy !req
310. We've been trying to
get the wormhole open.Copy !req
311. I trust none but them!Copy !req
312. Indians hath betrayed us!Copy !req
313. I must return to Plymouth
so my king can know the truth!Copy !req
314. Please!Copy !req
315. We're the History Channel.Copy !req
316. We care as much about
the truth as you do.Copy !req
317. Then get us to Cape COD
as soon as possible.Copy !req
318. My Lord!Copy !req
319. My Lord the battle is lost!Copy !req
320. We have tried to stop the
Indians on their home planet,Copy !req
321. but yay they are too strong!Copy !req
322. Then our last chance
for survival is gone?Copy !req
323. I'm sorry, my Lord.Copy !req
324. All pilgrim forces sent to the
Indians planet have been wiped out.Copy !req
325. And so soon the Indians will be here.Copy !req
326. Sound the corn horn!Copy !req
327. We must abandon Plymouth!Copy !req
328. The stuffing mines are ours!Copy !req
329. Earth is connected to Plymouth
by this wormhole here.Copy !req
330. Once I get back, I will assemble
my people to attack Indi andCopy !req
331. regain control of the stuffing mines.Copy !req
332. If all goes as planned, you will all
have stuffing in time for Thanksgiving.Copy !req
333. But Mr. Standish,
I'm afraid it's not that simple.Copy !req
334. We've tried to get the wormhole open
with this symbol and it didn't work!Copy !req
335. Of course not!Copy !req
336. You had the correct symbol, but you
were missing the keeper of the portal.Copy !req
337. The keeper of the... of course!Copy !req
338. Natalie Portman!Copy !req
339. We were wondering what she
had to do with all this!Copy !req
340. Natalie Portman
controls the wormhole!Copy !req
341. Our window of opportunity
is closing sir.Copy !req
342. The wormhole has to be opened now.Copy !req
343. Alright, Miss Portman, we need
you to open your wormhole!Copy !req
344. Mmmmmm ... no.Copy !req
345. Please, Miss Portman you've got
to open your wormhole right now.Copy !req
346. Curses and Cranberries!Copy !req
347. I must get to Plymouth now!
Do as they say!Copy !req
348. Mmmm. No.Copy !req
349. There has to be a way
to get the portal open!Copy !req
350. Where is our expert?Copy !req
351. What do we do, Professor Broflovski?Copy !req
352. I'm not a Professor.Copy !req
353. The History Channel said you were!Copy !req
354. You are the fucking History Channel!Copy !req
355. Please, Kyle of Devry Institute.Copy !req
356. There is no more time for squabble.Copy !req
357. The universe is at stake.Copy !req
358. You knew everything else.Copy !req
359. You somehow knew about all of this!Copy !req
360. You knew it here.Copy !req
361. You must know how to get Natalie
Portman to open her wormhole.Copy !req
362. So... you... You have any
brothers or sisters, Natalie?Copy !req
363. I had a lot of really close
friends growing up, but not anyCopy !req
364. brothers or sisters.Copy !req
365. I was an only child.Copy !req
366. Wow, awesome. Um...Copy !req
367. I have dual citizenship,
United States and Israel.Copy !req
368. Oh thanks!Copy !req
369. Ummm... so...Copy !req
370. So dual citizenship, wow.Copy !req
371. You know, that... I never
knew anyone that had that.Copy !req
372. Well, I went to Harvard
while I was acting.Copy !req
373. I got a BA.Copy !req
374. But I did classes
at University of Jerusalem, too.Copy !req
375. Cool... cool...Copy !req
376. You wanna order some dessert?Copy !req
377. Thanks, that was a lot of fun.Copy !req
378. Yeah it was cool, thanks.Copy !req
379. Um... so... is there anyway you'd...Copy !req
380. What?Copy !req
381. You know, could you?Copy !req
382. - What?
- Would you please just open your wormhole?Copy !req
383. Mmm... no!Copy !req
384. Mmm...Copy !req
385. Okay.Copy !req
386. Yes!Copy !req
387. Alright, let's go folks!Copy !req
388. But just for a sec, though.Copy !req
389. Thank you, Kyle of Devry Institute.Copy !req
390. Now the Indians can be stopped
and Thanksgiving will be saved.Copy !req
391. Yeah, you're welcome.Copy !req
392. I'm sorry I doubted you.Copy !req
393. And guys,
I'm sorry I acted like a know-it-all.Copy !req
394. It's cool dude, we understand.Copy !req
395. I guess, we should all realize
that history and alienCopy !req
396. technology really do go hand in hand.Copy !req
397. Now make way, children!Copy !req
398. For I have a war to fight!Copy !req
399. For stuffing!Copy !req
400. Take all their stuffing!Copy !req
401. The treaty ends now.Copy !req
402. With the wormhole once again open,Copy !req
403. Miles Standish was able to
command the pilgrim armies.Copy !req
404. Now attack their left flank!Copy !req
405. Good!Copy !req
406. They're retreating!Copy !req
407. Hit them with the anti-Indian device!Copy !req
408. The pilgrims fight off the Indians,Copy !req
409. making stuffing once again available
on all our Thanksgiving tables!Copy !req
410. And now you know the true
story behind Thanksgiving.Copy !req
411. Wow, there was a lot about
Thanksgiving I never knew before.Copy !req
412. Yeah, History Channel rules.Copy !req
413. But was the first Thanksgiving
really just aboutCopy !req
414. pilgrims and Indians from space
or was there something more?Copy !req
415. Shocking new evidence suggests
that the first ThanksgivingCopy !req
416. might also have been haunted!Copy !req
417. There is certainly no
evidence that the firstCopy !req
418. Thanksgiving dinner was not haunted.Copy !req
419. The pilgrims welcomed the
Indians, but did they alsoCopy !req
420. unknowingly welcome spirits
from beyond the grave?Copy !req
421. Oh!Copy !req
422. Oh, come on!Copy !req