1. Okay, children let's
all take our seats!Copy !req
2. As you all know,
Thanksgiving is only two weeks away.Copy !req
3. And so the school has arranged for a
lecture from a real live native American.Copy !req
4. Ooooh neat-o! Huh fellas?Copy !req
5. Hello, boys and girls,
my name is David "running horse" Sawitzki.Copy !req
6. And I am one-sixteenth
Cherokee Indian.Copy !req
7. Does that mean we only have to pay
one-sixteenth attention to you?Copy !req
8. There's been a lot of stories, about the
first Thanksgiving, and unfortunatelyCopy !req
9. they are mostly geared towards
making the pilgrims look goodCopy !req
10. and my people being
degraded as usual.Copy !req
11. Was Thanksgiving about turkey and peace,
or was it theCopy !req
12. beginning of the genocide
of an entire race?Copy !req
13. Thanksgiving is about murder?Copy !req
14. This is bullcrap.Copy !req
15. A guest speaker comes to our class and
assigns us a report on Thanksgiving?Copy !req
16. Well it is kind of true, you know.Copy !req
17. Thanksgiving is fun and all, but the
native Americans got pretty screwed over.Copy !req
18. Yeah and now my video game time
is getting screwed over by them.Copy !req
19. Hey! Fat ass!Copy !req
20. Instead of laying in bed eating,
why don't you come and help!Copy !req
21. Jesus, Kyle,
you are really being grumpy today.Copy !req
22. We all have to do this
report together, dude.Copy !req
23. You guys, we are wasting time.Copy !req
24. If we have to write a report onCopy !req
25. Thanksgiving let's just go
downstairs and watch TV.Copy !req
26. How is that gonna help?Copy !req
27. Dumb ass, it's November.Copy !req
28. The history channel is probably playing
Thanksgiving specials back to back!Copy !req
29. We can learn everything we need!Copy !req
30. You're watching the History Channel.Copy !req
31. Where the truth, is history.Copy !req
32. A lot has been written about
the first Thanksgiving betweenCopy !req
33. pilgrims and native Americans.Copy !req
34. But what really happened at
that first historic dinner?Copy !req
35. Dude, see? I told you.Copy !req
36. Who needs to read a bunch of stupid
books when we've got History Channel?Copy !req
37. We know the first Thanksgiving
was in the fall of 1621,Copy !req
38. but new evidence suggests
that the first exchanging ofCopy !req
39. foods between pilgririms and native
American may have been visited by aliens!Copy !req
40. In every journal entry we research
from those early pilgrims,Copy !req
41. not one entry mentions anything
about aliens not being there.Copy !req
42. And what about the food?
Does the appearance of stuffingCopy !req
43. at the first Thanksgiving table
suggest a kind of alien technology?Copy !req
44. What...?Copy !req
45. This isn't history!Copy !req
46. - Dude, it is called History Channel.
- Yeah!Copy !req
47. And if we look in all the journals
and all the history books,Copy !req
48. there is no reference to
"stuffing" before 1621.Copy !req
49. So, where did it come from?Copy !req
50. Did it come from space?Copy !req
51. We just don't know.Copy !req
52. Did ancient aliens shape
the first Thanksgiving?Copy !req
53. Is it mere coincidence that Cape COD,
when viewed from space,Copy !req
54. looks like an alien life form?Copy !req
55. What exactly did
the pilgrims experience?Copy !req
56. How exactly did those beings
from another world shape theCopy !req
57. dinner we celebrate every November?Copy !req
58. What?Copy !req
59. Kyle why are you being so grumpy?
Are you on your period again?Copy !req
60. We are not basing research
for our report on this crap!Copy !req
61. Okay, let's take a vote.Copy !req
62. Who thinks the possibility of
ancient aliens at ThanksgivingCopy !req
63. makes for an interesting
history report?Copy !req
64. Dude!Copy !req
65. Okay, and who wants to take
a little Pamprin so theirCopy !req
66. menstrual cramps stop
bringing everyone down?Copy !req
67. Kyle.Copy !req
68. Alright fine. Let's just get
this stupid report over with.Copy !req
69. Yes?Copy !req
70. A report from where?Copy !req
71. Does congress know about this yet?Copy !req
72. Try to keep it contained
and get the helicopters ready.Copy !req
73. I'll be there as soon as I can.Copy !req
74. Darling?Copy !req
75. They found something...
this could be it.Copy !req
76. Did you guys know that when you stop
menstruating, it's called menopause?Copy !req
77. What?Copy !req
78. Yeah, God takes your period away, and
apparently it makes you really irritable.Copy !req
79. I was thinking maybe that's why
Kyle's been so grouchy lately,Copy !req
80. because he's going through menopause.Copy !req
81. - Dude shut your fucking mouth!
- See what I mean you guys?Copy !req
82. Is that them?Copy !req
83. That's them.Copy !req
84. You boys have been very busy...Copy !req
85. We need to know
everything that you know.Copy !req
86. About what?Copy !req
87. Have you been contacted
by alien life forms?Copy !req
88. Did you come across some
kind of ship or something?Copy !req
89. Dude, look, we just saw all
this stuff on History Channel.Copy !req
90. We are the History Channel.Copy !req
91. For years we've been collecting
information on Thanksgiving.Copy !req
92. We're getting close to the truth...Copy !req
93. and now you boys have
the exact same information.Copy !req
94. It can't be coincidence.Copy !req
95. We saw it on your channel.Copy !req
96. What exactly did you see?Copy !req
97. That stuffing was never heard of before
1621, so it might be alien technology.Copy !req
98. My God.Copy !req
99. Would you be willing to say
that on camera for an interview.Copy !req
100. Alright,
Butters that's enough MTV for one day.Copy !req
101. You need to watch something
that stimulates your brain.Copy !req
102. I'm putting on History Channel.Copy !req
103. Okay dad!Copy !req
104. You are watching the History Channel.Copy !req
105. The only network
dedicated to history.Copy !req
106. Coming up next, it's Monster Quest!Copy !req
107. Followed by Hairy Bikers.Copy !req
108. But now, back to part three of
Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving!Copy !req
109. It has become a widely accepted
fact that Thanksgiving was aCopy !req
110. meal attended by pilgrims, native
Americans and alien beings.Copy !req
111. Stuffing wasn't mentioned
anywhere until 1621...Copy !req
112. And it might have
been alien technology.Copy !req
113. And while the number of
people who accept the alienCopy !req
114. theory continues to grow some
experts have stepped forwardCopy !req
115. with a wildly different
view all together.Copy !req
116. Could it be that pilgrims were
actually aliens themselves?Copy !req
117. Of course you can't prove there were
no aliens at the first Thanksgiving!Copy !req
118. Just like you can't prove the...Copy !req
119. The pilgrims themselves
weren't aliens.Copy !req
120. Can you prove that?Copy !req
121. Here, draw that Thanksgiving
turkey symbol with your hand,Copy !req
122. maybe that symbol matches
galaxies in space or something!Copy !req
123. Could it be that the pilgrims
we've read about all these yearsCopy !req
124. actually came from another planet?Copy !req
125. History experts
like Kyle Broflovski say 'yes.'Copy !req
126. You might as well just sayCopy !req
127. pilgrims and Indians were all
aliens who came here and madeCopy !req
128. some kind of intergalactic treaty.Copy !req
129. Wow, check it out, dude, we're on TV.Copy !req
130. How can they make
a show out of this?Copy !req
131. I wasn't even agreeing with them!Copy !req
132. What are you doing?Copy !req
133. The first Thanksgiving
was a space treaty?Copy !req
134. Native Americans are aliens?Copy !req
135. I was just explaining how
a negative argument doesn't make a...Copy !req
136. haven't my people
been through enough?Copy !req
137. God damn you!Copy !req
138. Agh dude!Copy !req
139. The white man is gonna
pay for his lies!Copy !req
140. Look at this sir!Copy !req
141. An aerial photograph of Cape COD
where the pilgrims landed in 1620.Copy !req
142. Five pilgrim settlements
with Plymouth rock here.Copy !req
143. The same symbols appear
everywhere in history.Copy !req
144. The symbology lines up to
mirrored points in space!Copy !req
145. If Kyle Broflovski is right, then
Plymouth rock is some kind of wormhole.Copy !req
146. Pilgrims and Indians were the aliens.Copy !req
147. How did we not think of it?Copy !req
148. Sometimes it takes
the innocence of a child to make usCopy !req
149. see the most simple things.Copy !req
150. True dat.Copy !req
151. True dat.Copy !req
152. Get all those tourists out of here!Copy !req
153. We need this place secure.Copy !req
154. Alright people let's clear out.Copy !req
155. We need you all to disperse.Copy !req
156. This area is under quarantine.Copy !req
157. Get me a piece of chalk!Copy !req
158. Nothing...
Guess Kyle Broflovski was wrong.Copy !req
159. Well, at least we weren't
outsmarted by a nine-year-old kid.Copy !req
160. We should have known,
pilgrims couldn't be from space.Copy !req
161. There. You can see it right there.Copy !req
162. An object clearly fell from
the sky and struck the earth.Copy !req
163. What is it?Copy !req
164. It's a pilgrim, sir.Copy !req
165. So then, Professor Broflovski
was right after all.Copy !req
166. Not long ago, it was
an accepted fact that civilizationsCopy !req
167. on Earth shared the universe
with beings from other planets.Copy !req
168. These alien beings visited
our world and once even settled it,Copy !req
169. from deep within the galaxy Canis Major
and a distant planet...Copy !req
170. Called Plymouth.Copy !req
171. Fellow pilgrims!Copy !req
172. The great Captain hath gone missingCopy !req
173. and thine enemies have
attacked our stuffing mines!Copy !req
174. We must prepare for warCopy !req
175. with the Indians!Copy !req
176. Now it is our time!Copy !req
177. We shall attack Plymouth,Copy !req
178. and we will take all their stuffing!Copy !req
179. Mom? Mom!Copy !req
180. Did you already get stuffing
for Thanksgiving dinner?Copy !req
181. What, hon?Copy !req
182. Tell me you've already got
everything we need for Thanksgiving!Copy !req
183. Oh, Thanksgiving's still
a couple weeks away, sweetie,Copy !req
184. I haven't gone shoppies yet.Copy !req
185. Oh God! Oh no!Copy !req
186. What is it, hon?Copy !req
187. Clyde Donovan said that he saw on the
news there's a massive stuffing shortage!Copy !req
188. Get your coat on mom,
we gotta go to the store!Copy !req
189. You guys have stuffing?Copy !req
190. Stuffing?Copy !req
191. Sure, aisle seventeen.Copy !req
192. Oh! We're not too late!
Mother come!Copy !req
193. Hey!
Where is it?Copy !req
194. It's right there, right on the...Copy !req
195. Wait, that can't be right.Copy !req
196. Hey Chet?Copy !req
197. What happened to all the stuffing?Copy !req
198. What are you talking about?Copy !req
199. We got more in the back, right?Copy !req
200. I just did inventory in the back,Copy !req
201. it was all put out here.Copy !req
202. You mean it's two weeks
until ThanksgivingCopy !req
203. and we're completely
out of stuffing?Copy !req
204. Oh no!Copy !req
205. No!Copy !req
206. No!Copy !req
207. Nooooo!Copy !req
208. You dare come to Plymouth,
Ambassador?Copy !req
209. After attacking our stuffing mines?Copy !req
210. The stuffing mines were never yours.Copy !req
211. Without control of the minesCopy !req
212. we cannot supply stuffing
to the mortals, Ambassador!Copy !req
213. This will be war!Copy !req
214. You are in no position
to declare war.Copy !req
215. Your lead commander is
nowhere to be found.Copy !req
216. And how knoweth you that?Copy !req
217. Word travels fast in our sector.Copy !req
218. I do not give three bowls of
stuffing what sayeth you.Copy !req
219. We will take back control
of the stuffing mines.Copy !req
220. Then the Thanksgiving
treaty will be off!Copy !req
221. And I pray to stuffing
that you are wrong.Copy !req
222. Where are you, Miles Standish?Copy !req
223. And furthermore!Copy !req
224. Everything Kyle Broflovski saidCopy !req
225. about native Americans being
from outer space was untrue.Copy !req
226. Native Americans were brutalizedCopy !req
227. and David Sawitzski's
ancestors deserve an apology!Copy !req
228. It was wrong to mix
aliens and real history!Copy !req
229. I dunno, dude, have you seen
that stuff about the pyramidsCopy !req
230. and the link to Mars?Copy !req
231. Dude! There's a guy with a gun here!Copy !req
232. I'm just saying there are
lots of symbols and signs outCopy !req
233. there that show aliens and
history are pretty linked.Copy !req
234. Will you guys stop?Copy !req
235. Just keep writing your apology!Copy !req
236. How now Indian?Copy !req
237. Why hath thy race sent
me here to Earth?Copy !req
238. Dude!Copy !req
239. You Indians took me to thy
planet and then cast me here!Copy !req
240. Why!Copy !req
241. Go dude!Copy !req
242. Hath thy race attacked our stuffing
mines and sent me here to die!Copy !req
243. Tell me Indian!Copy !req
244. I'm only 1/16!Copy !req
245. Hold your lying tongue!Copy !req
246. This shall prove if thou
arts Indian or not!Copy !req
247. Ah, he was not!Copy !req
248. I didn't think so.Copy !req
249. I hath been told of your expertise,
Kyle of Devry Institute!Copy !req
250. I need your wisdom to
get back to my planet!Copy !req
251. Into the wheeled chariot
that strucketh me!Copy !req
252. We must make haste to Cape COD!Copy !req
253. Who's this?Copy !req
254. This is Natalie.Copy !req
255. Hi guys!Copy !req
256. Alright, sir, we got some more information
on the pilgrim who crashed to Earth.Copy !req
257. Thirty seconds after impact the
pilgrim was hit by a truck andCopy !req
258. then put in the back seat.Copy !req
259. Who did the truck belong to?Copy !req
260. We believe it belonged
to Natalie Portman, sir.Copy !req
261. The actress?
This doesn't make sense!Copy !req
262. It gets worse.Copy !req
263. All over the country people are
reporting a shortage of stuffing.Copy !req
264. We don't think it's coincidence.Copy !req
265. You're telling me that somehow during a
stuffing shortage, this pilgrim droppedCopy !req
266. down from space and got into a
truck driven by Natalie Portman?Copy !req
267. Look, if anyone knows about
stuffing it's Natalie Portman!Copy !req
268. We have to find Professor Broflovski.Copy !req
269. He was right about all of this.Copy !req
270. He'll know what to do.Copy !req
271. We shall make camp
here for the night.Copy !req
272. On the morrow perhaps
we can reach Cape COD.Copy !req
273. And Thanksgiving may yet be saved.Copy !req
274. What is wrong with Kyle
of Devry Institute?Copy !req
275. I think he's just kind of
pissed off he was wrong aboutCopy !req
276. the whole Ancient Aliens thing.Copy !req
277. He seems almost like a puritan lady
whose period hath stopped.Copy !req
278. I fear, Kyle, that you still do
not know who's side to be on.Copy !req
279. No. I don't.Copy !req
280. It must have been
very difficult for you.Copy !req
281. Being the one on your planet
with his wild theories thatCopy !req
282. pilgrims and Indians
were not of this world.Copy !req
283. I actually only just
said that sarcastically.Copy !req
284. Then you are only just a
remarkably gifted child.Copy !req
285. Here, let me show you.Copy !req
286. Your planet is one of the five.Copy !req
287. Plymouth.Copy !req
288. Indi.Copy !req
289. Colthenheim.Copy !req
290. And this planet over here
nobody really cares about.Copy !req
291. The five are connected
by a series of wormholes.Copy !req
292. My people came to your world,
and so did our enemies.Copy !req
293. But we made a treaty, and for 300
years our people have not fought...Copy !req
294. But now... that treaty is over.Copy !req
295. But I always read
that native Americans were here,Copy !req
296. and the pilgrims and other settlers
kind of took their lands from them.Copy !req
297. You can't believe what
everyone tells you, Kyle.Copy !req
298. You have to open your eyes.Copy !req
299. Soon your wisdom will open the
wormhole back to Plymouth,Copy !req
300. and the stuffing mines
can again be ours.Copy !req
301. For he who controls the stuffing...Copy !req
302. Controls the universe.Copy !req
303. Hold it right there!Copy !req
304. We found Professor Broflovski!Copy !req
305. He is with the pilgrim!Copy !req
306. Stay back all of you!Copy !req
307. I will get to Cape COD
and cannot be stopped!Copy !req
308. Come boys, let us fight to the death!Copy !req
309. Wait stop! Stop!Copy !req
310. Please, Mr. Standish, we are
all on the same side here.Copy !req
311. We know why there's
a stuffing shortage.Copy !req
312. We've been trying to
get the wormhole open.Copy !req
313. I trust none but them!Copy !req
314. Indians hath betrayed us!Copy !req
315. I must return to Plymouth
so my king can know the truth!Copy !req
316. Please!Copy !req
317. We're the History Channel.Copy !req
318. We care as much about
the truth as you do.Copy !req
319. Then get us to Cape COD
as soon as possible.Copy !req
320. My Lord!Copy !req
321. My Lord the battle is lost!Copy !req
322. We have tried to stop the
Indians on their home planet,Copy !req
323. but yay they are too strong!Copy !req
324. Then our last chance
for survival is gone?Copy !req
325. I'm sorry, my Lord.Copy !req
326. All pilgrim forces sent to the
Indians planet have been wiped out.Copy !req
327. And so soon the Indians will be here.Copy !req
328. Sound the corn horn!Copy !req
329. We must abandon Plymouth!Copy !req
330. The stuffing mines are ours!Copy !req
331. Earth is connected to Plymouth
by this wormhole here.Copy !req
332. Once I get back, I will assemble
my people to attack Indi andCopy !req
333. regain control of the stuffing mines.Copy !req
334. If all goes as planned, you will all
have stuffing in time for Thanksgiving.Copy !req
335. But Mr. Standish,
I'm afraid it's not that simple.Copy !req
336. We've tried to get the wormhole open
with this symbol and it didn't work!Copy !req
337. Of course not!Copy !req
338. You had the correct symbol, but you
were missing the keeper of the portal.Copy !req
339. The keeper of the... of course!Copy !req
340. Natalie Portman!Copy !req
341. We were wondering what she
had to do with all this!Copy !req
342. Natalie Portman
controls the wormhole!Copy !req
343. Our window of opportunity
is closing sir.Copy !req
344. The wormhole has to be opened now.Copy !req
345. Alright, Miss Portman, we need
you to open your wormhole!Copy !req
346. Mmmmmm ... no.Copy !req
347. Please, Miss Portman you've got
to open your wormhole right now.Copy !req
348. Curses and Cranberries!Copy !req
349. I must get to Plymouth now!
Do as they say!Copy !req
350. Mmmm. No.Copy !req
351. There has to be a way
to get the portal open!Copy !req
352. Where is our expert?Copy !req
353. What do we do, Professor Broflovski?Copy !req
354. I'm not a Professor.Copy !req
355. The History Channel said you were!Copy !req
356. You are the fucking History Channel!Copy !req
357. Please, Kyle of Devry Institute.Copy !req
358. There is no more time for squabble.Copy !req
359. The universe is at stake.Copy !req
360. You knew everything else.Copy !req
361. You somehow knew about all of this!Copy !req
362. You knew it here.Copy !req
363. You must know how to get Natalie
Portman to open her wormhole.Copy !req
364. So... you... You have any
brothers or sisters, Natalie?Copy !req
365. I had a lot of really close
friends growing up, but not anyCopy !req
366. brothers or sisters.Copy !req
367. I was an only child.Copy !req
368. Wow, awesome. Um...Copy !req
369. I have dual citizenship,
United States and Israel.Copy !req
370. Oh thanks!Copy !req
371. Ummm... so...Copy !req
372. So dual citizenship, wow.Copy !req
373. You know, that... I never
knew anyone that had that.Copy !req
374. Well, I went to Harvard
while I was acting.Copy !req
375. I got a BA.Copy !req
376. But I did classes
at University of Jerusalem, too.Copy !req
377. Cool... cool...Copy !req
378. You wanna order some dessert?Copy !req
379. Thanks, that was a lot of fun.Copy !req
380. Yeah it was cool, thanks.Copy !req
381. Um... so... is there anyway you'd...Copy !req
382. What?Copy !req
383. You know, could you?Copy !req
384. - What?
- Would you please just open your wormhole?Copy !req
385. Mmm... no!Copy !req
386. Mmm...Copy !req
387. Okay.Copy !req
388. Yes!Copy !req
389. Alright, let's go folks!Copy !req
390. But just for a sec, though.Copy !req
391. Thank you, Kyle of Devry Institute.Copy !req
392. Now the Indians can be stopped
and Thanksgiving will be saved.Copy !req
393. Yeah, you're welcome.Copy !req
394. I'm sorry I doubted you.Copy !req
395. And guys,
I'm sorry I acted like a know-it-all.Copy !req
396. It's cool dude, we understand.Copy !req
397. I guess, we should all realize
that history and alienCopy !req
398. technology really do go hand in hand.Copy !req
399. Now make way, children!Copy !req
400. For I have a war to fight!Copy !req
401. For stuffing!Copy !req
402. Take all their stuffing!Copy !req
403. The treaty ends now.Copy !req
404. With the wormhole once again open,Copy !req
405. Miles Standish was able to
command the pilgrim armies.Copy !req
406. Now attack their left flank!Copy !req
407. Good!Copy !req
408. They're retreating!Copy !req
409. Hit them with the anti-Indian device!Copy !req
410. The pilgrims fight off the Indians,Copy !req
411. making stuffing once again available
on all our Thanksgiving tables!Copy !req
412. And now you know the true
story behind Thanksgiving.Copy !req
413. Wow, there was a lot about
Thanksgiving I never knew before.Copy !req
414. Yeah, History Channel rules.Copy !req
415. But was the first Thanksgiving
really just aboutCopy !req
416. pilgrims and Indians from space
or was there something more?Copy !req
417. Shocking new evidence suggests
that the first ThanksgivingCopy !req
418. might also have been haunted!Copy !req
419. There is certainly no
evidence that the firstCopy !req
420. Thanksgiving dinner was not haunted.Copy !req
421. The pilgrims welcomed the
Indians, but did they alsoCopy !req
422. unknowingly welcome spirits
from beyond the grave?Copy !req
423. Oh!Copy !req
424. Oh, come on!Copy !req