1. - You guys!
Oh, my God, you guys!
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2. You're never gonna guess what!
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3. Seriously, you guys, guess what!
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4. - What?
- You guys, you know Pete Melman?
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5. Fourth grade.
Mr. Bard's class?
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6. - The blond kid?
- Yeah, yeah, Pete Melman.
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7. - What about him?
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8. - He crapped his pants today
during social studies.
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9. He had to go to the nurse's office
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10. and have his mom bring him
a fresh pair of jeans!
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11. - How do you know?
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12. - Because, dude,
it's all over Eavesdropper!
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13. - Eavesdropper?
- What's that?
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14. - You guys
don't follow Eavesdropper?
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15. It's a Website about all the students
in the school.
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16. - Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper?
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17. Pete Melman shit his pants!
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18. - Yeah, yeah, I'm showing the guys!
Check it out!
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19. Eavesdropper got a hold
of the phone call
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20. from the nurse to Pete Melman's mom.
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21. Just listen! Listen, listen!
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22. - Hello, Mrs. Melman.
This is the school nurse.
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23. I'm afraid your son
has had a little accident.
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24. - Oh, no, what is it?
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25. - Turn it up.
- Is he okay?
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26. - No, no, it's not serious,
but he went number two during class.
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27. I'm afraid he's going to need a new pair
of pants and underwear
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28. and a clean pair of socks.
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29. - Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper?
- Yeah, yeah, we're listening to it.
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30. - Dude, that's so wrong.
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31. - Hey!
Pete Melman pooped his pants
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32. and had to have his mom
bring him new undies!
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33. - Okay, okay, so what do we call
Pete Melman when we see him?
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34. I was thinking "Poopy Pants Pete,"
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35. but then I also thought
of "Mush Pants Melman."
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36. - Attention, South Park students.
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37. Will the following students report
to the principal's office immediately?
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38. Eric Cartman.
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39. Thank you.
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40. - Oh, Jesus, what now?
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41. - Eric, as you might have heard,
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42. a student here at South Park Elementary
had an accident in the classroom.
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43. - I know, dude.
Pete Melman crapped his pants.
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44. So frickin' funny!
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45. - Okay, but you probably
understand that for Pete,
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46. it isn't that funny.
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47. For him, it's embarrassing
and terrifying.
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48. Right.
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49. That's why it's super funny to me.
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50. - Eric, it has been almost one year
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51. since Corey Duran defecated
in his pants here at school.
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52. Now, you remember
what happened to him?
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53. - Yeah, he killed himself.
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54. - Yes, and the reason
he killed himself, Eric,
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55. was that the ridicule
and the torment
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56. from other students,
spearheaded by you, caused him-
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57. - Hey, whoa-
- Spearheaded by you, m'kay,
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58. made him feel
there was no other way out.
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59. - Okay, whoa, whoa!
We've been through this.
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60. You cannot put
Corey Duran's death on me.
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61. I'm not the one who crapped his pants
in front of everyone.
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62. - Eric, we are asking you
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63. to please just remember
what happened to Corey
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64. and not let it happen to Pete.
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65. - Please just let it go.
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66. You're asking me
to simply ignore a kid who-
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67. excuse my language,
but I have to be harsh here-
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68. a kid who shit in his pants
in front of everyone... -
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69. to just ignore that
so he can have a normal life?
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70. - We are hoping that if you
don't fan the flames, Eric,
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71. the other students
might forget about it.
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72. - You really think information like this
will just die down?
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73. There's Internet.
There's Eavesdropper.
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74. You might be worried Pete Melman
is gonna kill himself,
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75. but the truth is he was dead
the second he crapped his pants.
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76. - All right, Eric, here's the deal.
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77. This school cannot have
another suicide on its hands.
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78. We want you to see
Pete Melman through this
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79. and turn public opinion around.
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80. - You're crazy!
It can't be done!
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81. - If Pete Melman does not kill himself,
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82. we will make it very worth your while.
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83. - You aren't listening!
There is-
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84. Make it worth my while how?
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85. - Dude, no way!
- What's up?
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86. - They've got a video
of Pete Melman's mom
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87. showing up with fresh underwear
on Eavesdropper.
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88. - Dude, that's fucked up.
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89. - Come on, dude, it's pretty funny.
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90. - It's funny that something
which should be completely private
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91. is put up on a Website
for everyone to see?
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92. - Yeah, dude, that's pretty funny.
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93. - It's megaduper-hilarious!
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94. - Oh, hey, Jenny.
What's up?
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95. - What do you want?
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96. - You hear about Pete Melman?
Pretty messed up, huh?
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97. - Yeah, it's gross.
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98. - So, what you doing for lunch?
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99. My mom packed me the best stuff.
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100. She even baked cupcakes.
- So what?
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101. - I was just thinking that...
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102. well, maybe we could
eat lunch together.
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103. I've always kind of...
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104. Liked you.
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105. - I don't like you.
- I know.
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106. I know you don't like me back.
I just...
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107. Yeah, you know, this was stupid.
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108. I'm sorry.
Will you just take the cupcake?
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109. Or don't take the-
I'm sorry.
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110. I'm sorry I wasted your time.
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111. - Hey, wait!
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112. Look, I'm sorry.
That was mean.
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113. I'd love to try one
of your mom's cupcakes.
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114. - And now number 17
many of you got wrong as well.
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115. The correct answer was D.
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116. - Whales are mammals.
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117. - Oooh!
- They're not fish-
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118. You all right, Jenny?
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119. - Yeah, I'm fine.
I just-ugh!
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120. Mr. Garrison, can I please be excused?
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121. - Excused?
Oh, but we are in the middle of class.
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122. - Unh!
- What's the matter?
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123. - I just need to go to the restroom!
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124. - Well, okay.
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125. - Uh, Mr. Garrison, I don't
think that's quite fair.
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126. I mean, you rarely let us
get up and leave during a class.
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127. - Please, I got to go now.
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128. - Well, just give it
a couple minutes, Jenny.
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129. It could just be a cramp.
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130. - No, Mr. Garrison,
I gotta-ugh... - aah!
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131. Ew!
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132. - Oh, my God!
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133. Jenny Simons crapped her pants!
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134. Did you guys hear that?
Oh, my God!
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135. It's way worse than Pete Melman was!
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136. Sick!
- Way worse!
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137. - Ugh!
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138. - The doctors say that Jenny Simons
barely survived the fall.
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139. Jumping off the school roof
fractured her pelvis.
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140. - All right, cool.
- No, not cool!
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141. M'kay, she's on suicide watch, Eric!
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142. She's given up on life.
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143. - You said Pete Melman
couldn't kill himself.
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144. By making Jenny Simons
crap her pants worse than Pete,
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145. I've made her the number-one story
on Eavesdropper.
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146. - That wasn't the point, Eric!
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147. Nobody was supposed
to kill themselves!
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148. Unless you fix this, our deal is off.
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149. - Nobody can be made fun of
for crapping their pants,
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150. and nobody can die?
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151. Yes!
- Jesus Christ.
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152. Okay, okay, um... Jesus...
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153. Uh, okay, look...
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154. Okay, those... - those tests
we all took last week,
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155. the State Efficiency Tests,
how did we do on those?
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156. - Uh, our students did average,
maybe just below average.
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157. - Okay, no, they all did awesome.
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158. In fact, our students did so good
on the tests
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159. that you... you decided
to reward them all.
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160. At lunch, you're serving the students
pizza from Pizza Hut.
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161. But we're going to put laxatives
and Arby's Horsey Sauce in the pizza
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162. so that every kid in the school
craps their pants after recess.
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163. Everyone craps their pants,
nobody's singled out... problem solved.
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164. - That's insane!
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165. - Okay, well, if you have a better idea,
then why am I here?
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166. - Hi, Jan.
It's Counselor Mackey.
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167. Uh, how long would it take
to organize a pizza Friday
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168. for the students?
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169. Yeah, yeah, no, they, uh... - they actually
did really well on the state exam.
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170. Yeah, m'kay.
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171. - Dude, check it out!
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172. Eavesdropper found an email
from Jenny Simons' boyfriend
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173. calling her "Soft Serve Simons"!
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174. - That's not funny.
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175. - Hey, here's a post about Token.
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176. "Token Black's private gym photos!"
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177. - I'm not looking at that.
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178. - Come on, dude, it's pretty funny.
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179. - It wouldn't be funny if that Website
posted something about you.
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180. - I wouldn't care.
- "Exclusive...
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181. Stan Marsh thinks Elise Thompson
has a hot butt crack."
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182. - What?
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183. - "In an email sent yesterday
to Kenny McCormick,
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184. "Stan Marsh wrote, 'Dude,
you should have been in P.E. Today.
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185. "Elise Thompson's butt crack
was totally showing.'
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186. "He went on to call
her butt crack, 'Nice,'
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187. and that the whole experience
was, 'Pretty awesome."'
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188. - Kenny!
Kenny, what the fuck?
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189. - What?
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190. - How did Eavesdropper
get a hold of my email to you?
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191. - I don't know.
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192. - Do you just leave your emails
open for everyone to read?
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193. - No.
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194. - That was a private email
from me to you.
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195. Hey, Wendy.
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196. - You like looking
at girls' butt cracks, Stan?
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197. - No, I was telling Kenny
he would like it.
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198. - Do you have any idea
how embarrassed I am?
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199. - Wendy, it was just
a quick email to Kenny.
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200. New stories pop up
on Eavesdropper every hour.
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201. People are gonna forget
all about this.
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202. - So you didn't email anybody else
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203. about Elise Thompson's
butt crack, right?
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204. - This is an issue of trust and privacy!
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205. We have to all work together
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206. to put an end to Eavesdropper
once and for all.
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207. Yes, Kyle?
- So just to be completely clear...
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208. now it isn't funny, right?
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209. - What's funny about having
our private lives hacked into?
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210. - Especially when they're writing about
your boyfriend's addiction to crack.
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211. - Shut up, Butters!
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212. What we have to do is find out who
in the school is running Eavesdropper.
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213. I've done an extensive profile,
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214. and I have narrowed it down
to somebody in this very room.
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215. Now, whoever you are,
you're a gossiping little bitch,
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216. and we're not gonna-
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217. - It's not somebody in this room.
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218. - What?
How do you know?
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219. - Because whoever it is just now
posted a new story on Eavesdropper.
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220. "Allison Taft reveals
embarrassing secret
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221. about Craig Tucker."
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222. Yeah-
Hey, wait, that's me.
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223. - Where is it coming from?
- Huh?
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224. - If it's on the school network,
we can track the I.P. Address!
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225. This way.
In here!
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226. Whoever it is is using
the computer in the music room.
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227. - We only have music class
on Thursdays.
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228. - Of course!
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229. A kid could use the computer in there
and nobody would know.
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230. - Get ready, guys.
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231. Whoever's in here is the kid that's
hacking our emails and phone calls.
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232. You guys ready?
- Oh, I'm ready.
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233. - One...
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234. two...
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235. three!
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236. - It's a rat!
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237. - Get it!
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238. - Ah!
- Unh!
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239. - Don't let him get away!
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240. - He's gone!
- What the hell?
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241. A stupid rat is in charge
of Eavesdropper?
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242. - WikiLeaks.
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243. It says here its name is WikiLeaks.
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244. - Lemmiwinks!
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245. I come with news of great gravity.
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246. Another rodent is out there,
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247. spreading terrible rumors
and hacking emails.
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248. Yes, and I'm afraid
the news gets worse.
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249. The creature doing this, Lemmiwinks,
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250. is your brother WikiLeaks!
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251. - Once again, WikiLeaks is trying
to wreak havoc on our world.
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252. Only you can stop him, Lemmiwinks.
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253. - It's just so embarrassing.
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254. What if the other girls
find out my mother is in rehab?
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255. - It's okay, Emily.
Can I tell you a secret?
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256. My mom has a drinking problem too.
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257. - Really? You too?
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258. - That's just between us, okay?
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259. - Of course, Tammy.
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260. I'm really glad I shared this with you.
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261. - Stop that rat!
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262. Knock it off!
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263. - "I just want you to know
that I have a huge crush on you, and... - "
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264. Hey!
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265. - No, WikiLeaks!
Bad!
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266. - Yep, a few more laxatives
on that one.
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267. A little more Arby's Horsey Sauce
on there, mm-hmm.
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268. - Is this one good?
- Yeah, I think they're all ready.
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269. - Are you sure this will work, Eric?
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270. What if some of the students
don't eat the pizza?
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271. - It doesn't matter.
Enough students will crap their pants
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272. to make everyone forget
about Pete Melman
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273. and Jenny Simons forever.
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274. - All right, Eric,
well, get back to class.
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275. We don't want anyone seeing
you in here with us.
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276. - Uh, hold on just a second.
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277. I believe we discussed the little matter
of my payment.
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278. I'm not letting you guys
screw me over again.
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279. Give me what I wanted now.
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280. - All right, fine.
Bring her in, Adler.
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281. - Oh, my God!
Selena Gomez!
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282. You... you actually got her to come!
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283. - Hi, Eric.
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284. I understand you really
wanted to meet me.
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285. Want to get a picture together?
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286. - No, thanks.
Okay, proceed.
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287. - I'm sorry about this, Miss Gomez.
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288. All right, get her
the fuck out of here.
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289. - Okay, Eric, you got what you wanted.
Are we straight?
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290. - That was amazing.
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291. - All right, now get back to class.
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292. Adler, get rid
of those laxative bottles.
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293. Trash all the Arby's Horsey Sauce
packages too.
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294. There cannot be one piece
of evidence of what we did here.
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295. What the-
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296. Oh, shit!
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297. Stop that rat!
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298. - All right, Lemmiwinks,
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299. we should probably get going now.
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300. The time is nigh, Lemmiwinks!
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301. Let us chase your destiny!
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302. Ah, Sparrow Prince!
What news do you bring?
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303. - WikiLeaks grows stronger
with each passing moment.
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304. The birds are tweeting that he is about to
release his biggest story yet.
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305. - Then the moment is truly here.
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306. Come, Lemmiwinks!
Let us make haste!
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307. Le-Lemmiwinks?
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308. His heart is so heavy.
I weep for him.
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309. - Indeed.
Could you do it, Frog Prince?
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310. Could you kill your own brother?
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311. - I thank God I don't have
to make that decision.
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312. We might need to bring in
some outside help.
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313. - You see?
There! Look!
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314. It says Eavesdropper's
biggest story ever
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315. is coming out this afternoon!
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316. - Biggest story about who?
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317. - There's no telling.
It could be about any of us!
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318. - Well met, Children of Adam.
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319. I am Catatafish.
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320. - What?
- I come asking for your help.
Copy !req
321. There is only one thing
that can stop WikiLeaks.
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322. But right now Lemmiwinks
is being held prisoner.
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323. - Lemmiwinks?
Our old class gerbil?
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324. - What is that thing?
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325. - I am Catatafish.
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326. I am a great wizard, and I am a friend.
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327. And I'm a ghost,
besides, of course, being a fish.
Copy !req
328. - Do you know why a gerbil is
running around hacking our phone calls
Copy !req
329. and putting our secrets
up on the Internet?
Copy !req
330. - He does it purely
for reasons of evil.
Copy !req
331. And his treachery
is not limited to humans.
Copy !req
332. WikiLeaks posted exaggerated
things about me too.
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333. He posted on his Website that I had sex
with an underage fish
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334. and that I made her perform
bass to mouth.
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335. If you accept this quest,
you will help the Gerbil King
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336. defeat WikiLeaks once and for all.
Copy !req
337. But the choice is yours.
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338. I'm not here to make you do anything...
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339. like that underage salmon.
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340. I didn't make her do anything.
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341. If she wants to do bass to mouth,
how is it my fault?
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342. - No!
No, see, that's wrong.
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343. It's being exaggerated again.
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344. - Just tell us where Lemmiwinks
is being held prisoner
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345. so we can kill this stupid rat!
- Careful, child.
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346. I assure you,
WikiLeaks is anything but stupid,
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347. except when he said I made
that teenage fish perform ass to trout.
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348. That was stupid and untrue.
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349. Did I say, "Ass to trout"?
I meant to say, "Bass to mouth."
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350. Though I guess
it's basically the same thing,
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351. not that I did it.
Copy !req
352. - All right, are we sure we're alone?
Copy !req
353. - We're alone.
Now, what the hell are we gonna do?
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354. - What can we do?
We're all going to get fired.
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355. - This story hasn't gone up
on Eavesdropper yet.
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356. Maybe it won't.
- Oh, right!
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357. The school faculty tries to poison
all their students!
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358. That's not gonna be on Eavesdropper!
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359. - Oh, let's just face it.
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360. We made our beds
when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help.
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361. We have to lie in them.
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362. - All we were trying to do was keep
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363. another one of our students
from killing themselves.
Copy !req
364. We're not bad.
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365. - No, no, we are not bad.
- We're not bad.
Copy !req
366. I mean, maybe what we need
is to just think outside the box here.
Copy !req
367. I mean, if there's anything
we've learned,
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368. it's that the only thing
that makes a juicy story go away
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369. is a juicier story.
Copy !req
370. - What's a bigger story
than all the students being made sick?
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371. - A student committing suicide?
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372. - Hey, that's right.
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373. Corey Duran killed himself last year,
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374. and we're still dealing
with the fallout.
Copy !req
375. Maybe there is a way out of this.
Copy !req
376. But we're gonna have to throw
Eric Cartman under the bus.
Copy !req
377. - How do we do that?
Copy !req
378. - We get a bus...
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379. and then we throw
Eric Cartman under it.
Copy !req
380. - Yes?
Copy !req
381. - Hi.
Does a Vernon Trumpski live here?
Copy !req
382. - Yes, Vernon's around somewhere.
Copy !req
383. - Come on, guys!
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384. - Excuse me.
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385. - There he is!
It's Lemmiwinks!
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386. - Quick, we need something
to carry him in.
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387. - Here's a shoe box.
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388. - Hey, what are you doing
with my gerbil?
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389. - We just need to borrow him, kid.
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390. - Mom! Some kids
are stealing my gerbil!
Copy !req
391. - Look, dude, we don't have much time.
Copy !req
392. WikiLeaks is about to post
his biggest scoop ever
Copy !req
393. on Eavesdropper.
Copy !req
394. Lemmiwinks can stop him.
Copy !req
395. - Mom!
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396. - There's no time, children!
Copy !req
397. You must take Lemmiwinks now!
- Grab him!
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398. - Mom!
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399. - Quickly!
We must get to the school!
Copy !req
400. - Whoa, whoa, wait, wait!
Copy !req
401. - Can't this thing go any faster?
- Hang on, Lemmiwinks!
Copy !req
402. - Craig, are we still clear?
Copy !req
403. - Nothing's broke on the Website yet.
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404. - Faster, driver!
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405. The final battle is about to begin!
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406. - What the hell happened?
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407. - Oh... - oh, God! Oh, God!
He killed himself!
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408. Eric Cartman killed himself!
Did you see that?
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409. Oh, why would he do it?
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410. Oh, wait, here's-here's
a suicide note,
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411. M'kay.
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412. "Dear guys, I just cannot go on, m'kay.
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413. I'm tired of being fat, m'kay,
and I have to end it all.
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414. M'kay.
Eric Cartman."
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415. - Please, can this wait?
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416. A big story is about
to come out on Eavesdropper,
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417. and we have the only way to stop it.
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418. - Well, why the hell didn't you say so?
Come on, let's go!
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419. - To battle!
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420. - Quickly!
While Lemmiwinks still has it in him!
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421. - Stop right there, you little rat!
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422. - WikiLeaks!
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423. You have chosen a path of evil
and now you shall pay.
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424. Sparrow Prince, Catatafish!
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425. - Oh, dude, he is fucking him up.
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426. - Look!
I think Lemmiwinks killed him!
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427. - He did it!
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428. - M'kay, let's just delete
all this tabloid garbage, m'kay.
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429. - Whew!
I'm sure glad that's over with.
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430. - Yeah, but, you know, I think
we all learned an important lesson
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431. about laughing
at other people's misfortunes.
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432. - Boy, I'll say.
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433. - Oh, Eric.
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434. Uh, Eric, I know we kind of threw you
under the bus,
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435. m'kay, but I hope you understand
the faculty didn't really have a choice.
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436. - It's okay, Mr. Mackey.
I'm totally over it.
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437. - Well, I think you're being
very mature about this, Eric.
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438. It was an overly generous move
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439. for you to give
all the faculty those cupcakes.
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440. I want to thank you, m'kay.
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441. - Oh, you are most certainly welcome.
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442. - Well, students, why don't we... - ooh.
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443. Oh, jeez.
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444. - You feeling all right, Mr. Mackey?
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445. - Yeah, I just...
I'll be right ba-ugh!
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446. Aah!
Oh, it's bad!
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447. Excuse me, kids,
I need to run... - aah! Ow!
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448. - I put a lot of Arby's Horsey Sauce
on those.
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449. - M'kay, can somebody get me
some paper towels
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450. or maybe a... - aah, m'kay!
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451. Ooh, it's bad!
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452. - Congratulations, Lemmiwinks!
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453. - Thanks to you,
private lives will stay private.
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454. - Yes, we are all free once again
to make teenagers do bass to mouth.
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455. - Just one question, Lemmiwinks.
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456. How does it feel to have killed
your own brother?
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457. Le-Lemmiwinks?
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458. He's devastated.
- Yep, he's devastated.
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