1. ? i'm goin' down
to south park?
Copy !req
2. ? gonna have myself a
time?
Copy !req
3. ? friendly faces
everywhere?
Copy !req
4. ? humble folks without
temptation?
Copy !req
5. ? i'm goin' down
to south park?
Copy !req
6. ? gonna leave my woes
behind?
Copy !req
7. ? ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor?
Copy !req
8. ? headin' on up to south
park, gonna see if i can't unwind?
Copy !req
9. ?
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10. ? come on down to south
park and meet some friends of mine?
Copy !req
11. - Aaaah! -
aah!
Copy !req
12. Aah! Put
it down, you bitch!
Copy !req
13. Put the golf club down,
you crazy bitch!
Copy !req
14. - you
motherfucker.
Copy !req
15. I never should've
married you!
Copy !req
16. - You're overreacting,
you stupid swedish cow!
Copy !req
17. - Then why the fuck are
you getting the text message
Copy !req
18. from some low-life
hooker on thanksgiving?
Copy !req
19. - God, shut up!
Copy !req
20. Shut up!
Copy !req
21. Where are my fucking
pills?
Copy !req
22. - Oh, yeah, take
more vicodin, tiger!
Copy !req
23. That'll help!
Copy !req
24. - Will you just listen
to me?
Copy !req
25. - Listen to this!
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26. - Aah! You
fucking whore!
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27. - Where the fuck do
you think you're going?
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28. - I'm getting the fuck
away from you!
Copy !req
29. - Open the door, you
motherfucker!
Copy !req
30. - Ooh, yeah, chase after
me in the car, kenny.
Copy !req
31. - What are you guys
doing? - Dude, check it out.
Copy !req
32. It's e.a. Sports tiger
woods pga tour 11
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33. for xbox.
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34. - Aah! Fuck
you, cunt!
Copy !req
35. - Stop breaking through
the window, kenny!
Copy !req
36. Whoa, i'm gonna crash!
I'm gonna crash!
Copy !req
37. - Aah! [car
alarm blaring]
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38. - Ah, look what you did,
you crazy bitch!
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39. - Serves you right, you
cheating turd!
Copy !req
40. - Oh, dude, was
that a combo move?
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41. - Oh, dude, here come
the cops. We gotta lie to them.
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42. hit
"x" to lie.
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43. - Wow, i didn't know
golf games were this cool!
Copy !req
44. - Yeah, dude, e.a. Sports
out did themselves this time.
Copy !req
45. - I've gathered you
together here,
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46. because you are the best
minds our country has to offer.
Copy !req
47. As you have all seen on
the news,
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48. our country is
facing a major crisis.
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49. And we need to find out
what's causing it.
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50. Why? Why
are rich successful men
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51. suddenly going out and trying
to have sex with lots of women?
Copy !req
52. - Tiger woods was only
the most prevalent,
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53. but our data shows that
the numbers are growing.
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54. David letterman, and
before that, bill clinton.
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55. There's a
pattern here, people.
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56. - Why would a man who's
famous and makes tons of money
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57. use that to try and have
sex with lots of different women?
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58. - And these rich
celebrities
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59. have perfectly good
wives at home!
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60. Why would they even
think of sex with others?
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61. Damn it...
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62. i want answers.
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63. - We believe that
it may be an outbreak
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64. of sex addiction, sir.
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65. - Sex-a-whoo-hoo?
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66. - It's a new phenomena we don't
completely understand yet.
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67. But it seems to make
people...
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68. different.
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69. Of course, we all know
the normal healthy male
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70. thinks only of
sex occasionally
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71. and has no desire for
sex with multiple partners.
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72. - Definitely true.
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73. - Yes, we all know that.
Go on.
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74. - But in the sex addict,
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75. their entire lives are
consumed
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76. with thoughts of
wanting more and more.
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77. The mere sight of
an attractive woman
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78. can... can make him think
about sex with her.
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79. - But what about love?
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80. How could tons of fame and money
make you forget about love?
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81. - What could be causing
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82. this outbreak of
sexual addiction?
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83. - It could be caused by
something in the water supply,
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84. uh, perhaps even by
global warming.
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85. - Or cooling. -
yes.
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86. - If so, then the
disease
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87. could start to affect
our children.
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88. - That does it.
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89. I want health screenings
at all our nation's schools.
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90. We need to find out if
any young people
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91. might be carrying this
disease.
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92. - Good afternoon,
students.
Copy !req
93. We are going to be doing
a health screening today.
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94. It won't take long and
will be relatively painless,
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95. but we need to see if any
students are showing symptoms.
Copy !req
96. In a moment, i
am going to show you
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97. a suggestive picture,
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98. and then i am going to ask you
a question about the picture.
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99. All right, ready?
Copy !req
100. Here we go.
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101. - What? -
ew!
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102. Jesus, dude.
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103. - Holy moly, what's that
between the lady's legs?
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104. It's all bushy!
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105. - Please just study the picture
the best you can, students.
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106. I'll then ask you a
question
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107. which you'll answer on
the paper provided.
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108. - I've never seen that
part of a lady!
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109. Do they all got a
hedge like that?
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110. Do they?
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111. - Okay, very good.
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112. Now, what color...
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113. was the handkerchief in
the nice lady's hand?
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114. Write down your
answer, please.
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115. What color was the
handkerchief in the nice lady's hand?
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116. - Did you see the bush
on that lady?
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117. What the heck was that?
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118. - Very good. Turn
your answers over, please.
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119. - Gee whiz, it was, like,
almost up to her belly button.
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120. - All right. Now...
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121. who answered that the
handkerchief was yellow?
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122. Very good. Very
good, indeed.
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123. Now i'd like to see who
answered, "what handkerchief?"
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124. Aha.
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125. You three boys, please
come with me.
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126. - I didn't see a
handkerchief.
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127. Did you see a
handkerchief, kenny?
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128. - I'm sorry, boys, but
i'm afraid you three
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129. have tested positive for
sex addiction.
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130. - What? -
oh, no!
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131. - We're gonna have to
send you home, i'm afraid.
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132. - Wait, we're sex
addicts?
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133. Are you sure?
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134. - Our "nice lady with
a handkerchief" test
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135. is extremely
comprehensive and thorough.
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136. I'm sorry, but you're
simply too dangerous
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137. to have around normal,
well-adjusted students.
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138. - It was just...
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139. so big and bushy, sir!
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140. Why does it look like
that?
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141. - So what happens to us
now?
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142. A life of desperation
and anguish, i'm afraid.
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143. Your addiction will
start off slowly...
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144. magazines, internet
sites.
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145. But then as you keep
chasing your high,
Copy !req
146. your tastes will get
more and more dangerous.
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147. Most likely you'll end
up going the way
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148. of david carradine and
michael hutchence...
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149. autoerotic asphyxiation.
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150. - autoerotic
asphyxiation?
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151. What's that?
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152. - I don't want to go
into too much detail,
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153. but you choke yourself
with a belt around your neck
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154. while masturbating dressed up
like batman or something.
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155. Then you pass out from
lack of air,
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156. and apparently it makes
your orgasm super awesome.
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157. oh, no.
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158. I don't wanna have to
buy a batman costume.
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159. - Ladies and gentlemen,
for the past several days,
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160. we've been screening our
nation's schools
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161. for signs of sex
addition.
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162. The results of our tests
are troubling, to say the least.
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163. Dr. Tonton?
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164. - In fourth graders, 5%
of male students
Copy !req
165. were found to
be sex addicts.
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166. By sixth grade, the
number goes up to 30%.
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167. At high schools,
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168. nearly 91% of
male students answered
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169. "what handkerchief?"
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170. - We are facing a sex-addiction
epidemic in our country.
Copy !req
171. Young people all over
america are infected
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172. and at extreme risk to
themselves
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173. and to the people around
them.
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174. They are leading lives
of secret pain.
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175. - And so these infected boys
will soon be secretly wishing
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176. they could be having sex
all the time
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177. with lots of
different people?
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178. - It appears so.
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179. - The poor bastards.
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180. - But what about us
normal, healthy adults?
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181. Are we at risk of
exposure?
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182. - We don't believe so.
Copy !req
183. In adult males, for
whatever reason,
Copy !req
184. sex addiction only seems
to be problematic
Copy !req
185. amongst rich, successful
celebrities.
Copy !req
186. However, we are still
collecting data...
Copy !req
187. - why would wealth or
success cause a man to go out
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188. and have sex with
everyone he could?
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189. - Whatever is causing
this outbreak,
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190. we guarantee we
will find it.
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191. - Kenny, it's
time for dinner!
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192. Kenny?
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193. Aah!
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194. - Sunset and evening
star,
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195. and one clear call for
me,
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196. and may there be no
moaning of the bar...
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197. - oh, my god, it's
true.
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198. - But such a tide as
moving seems asleep,
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199. too full for sound and
foam, -
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200. - When that which drew
from out the boundless deep.
Copy !req
201. - There! It
was like that!
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202. It looked just like
that!
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203. Just like this but... but
smaller!
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204. And right in the place
her underwear should've been.
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205. If i trim it down, it'll
look right.
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206. - Butters, butters, stop
it!
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207. - But this is what i
keep seeing in my head.
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208. - Butters, we are sick.
Don't you get it?
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209. We're going to end up
just like kenny!
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210. - No, if i can just see
it again, l-i'll be fine!
Copy !req
211. - No! Butters,
stop!
Copy !req
212. - Ah! Leave
me alone!
Copy !req
213. - Stop it! Stop!
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214. - Oh, god!
Copy !req
215. Oh, god, help us!
Copy !req
216. - Tiger lines up his
drive.
Copy !req
217. He'll be hoping for
a birdie here.
Copy !req
218. Concentration is key.
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219. - You motherfucker!
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220. I never should've
married you!
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221. - Aah! God
damn it, stop it!
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222. - How many women did
you fuck?
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223. How many?
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224. - Oh, dude, i
clocked you!
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225. - I told you this
game was sweet, dude.
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226. - Hang on, hang on.
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227. I'm... i'm switching to
a seven iron.
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228. - Oh! Oh! Oh, man, i
lost another endorsement!
Copy !req
229. How'd you do that? -
hit "a" and "x" together.
Copy !req
230. - Oh, you're going down,
elin!
Copy !req
231. - I don't think so, dude.
I got the prenup power-up.
Copy !req
232. - Oh, no! Prenup,
weak!
Copy !req
233. When did you get that
power-up?
Copy !req
234. - All right, sex
addicts.
Copy !req
235. What other destructive
behaviors did we engage in
Copy !req
236. which led to
our ultimate downfall?
Copy !req
237. Anyone have another
example?
Copy !req
238. Let's see, how about
david?
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239. - uh...
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240. having sex with
employees.
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241. - Sex with employees,
definitely a danger there.
Copy !req
242. What else? Uh,
mr. Clinton?
Copy !req
243. - Putting cigars in
girls' vaginas.
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244. - Very good, billy.
Copy !req
245. Cigars in vaginas... not
the best idea there.
Copy !req
246. - Watching internet porn
all day every day?
Copy !req
247. - Spot on, charlie
sheen...
Copy !req
248. excessive internet porn.
Copy !req
249. Now, the reason we
are making this list
Copy !req
250. is that we have new
members today.
Copy !req
251. I want you all to
welcome kyle and "bummers."
Copy !req
252. - Hello.
Hey, kyle.
Copy !req
253. - And would you care to
share your stories with us, boys?
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254. - Well...
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255. i just found out i'm
a sex addict.
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256. I'm so scared. I
haven't even told my mom yet.
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257. - Does your mom have
big tits?
Copy !req
258. - Billy! -
sorry.
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259. - Me, i just...
Copy !req
260. i just can't stop
thinking about bush.
Copy !req
261. - I heard that.
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262. - I mean, it's like,
what is it?
Copy !req
263. What does it mean?
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264. Why would there be a
bush right there?
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265. Is it a live bush? Are
there berries?
Copy !req
266. - Mr. Duchovny, please
stop jerking off.
Copy !req
267. - Ah, gee whiz.
Copy !req
268. - To better understand
the sex-addiction outbreak,
Copy !req
269. we've been running tests
on chimpanzees.
Copy !req
270. You can see that this
entire community of specimens
Copy !req
271. are getting along
normally...
Copy !req
272. some pairing off, others
on their own.
Copy !req
273. But now, see this chimp
here?
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274. An average, normal
adult male,
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275. blending in seamlessly
with the others.
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276. Now watch.
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277. We're going to give it a
lot of money.
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278. Go ahead.
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279. - My god.
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280. - Yes.
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281. - The subject is now
isolated and shunned.
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282. - Incredible. And... and
what's it doing now?
Copy !req
283. - Making a public
apology on its talk show.
Copy !req
284. - All righty. Now, we all know
the destructive behaviors
Copy !req
285. that got us into
this predicament, don't we?
Copy !req
286. What is the main thing
we've all learned to avoid?
Copy !req
287. Yes, tiger.
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288. - Avoid drugs and
alcohol?
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289. - No, no, tiger, you
still aren't getting it.
Copy !req
290. In order to make sure we are
no longer destroying our lives
Copy !req
291. with any of these
behaviors, we must avoid...
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292. anyone?
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293. Avoid getting... anyone?
Copy !req
294. - Caught.
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295. - Yes, michael douglas.
Everyone.
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296. Getting
caught.
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297. - Very good.
Copy !req
298. You are all here in
therapy
Copy !req
299. because you got caught.
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300. So how do we avoid
getting caught.
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301. Ben roethlisberger.
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302. - Don't screw girls in
the public bathrooms?
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303. - When they, uh, ask you
for money, pay them.
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304. - Good, yes.
Copy !req
305. - Whoa, hang on.
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306. We shouldn't be learning
how not to get caught.
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307. We have to take
responsibility for our actions.
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308. - What the fuck are
you talking about?
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309. - Well, i mean, we
have to accept
Copy !req
310. that we have a problem
Copy !req
311. and put the blame
completely on ourselves.
Copy !req
312. I mean, maybe this isn't
really even a disease.
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313. - Yeah, it's me.
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314. We've got a turd in
the punch bowl.
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315. I repeat, we have a turd
in the punch bowl.
Copy !req
316. - Mr. President, in every test,
the results were the same.
Copy !req
317. The monkeys who were
given cash always acted out
Copy !req
318. their sexual addiction
to dangerous levels.
Copy !req
319. It appears that money
has a direct effect
Copy !req
320. on the virus' ability to
develop.
Copy !req
321. - So we must keep our
nation's youth
Copy !req
322. away from money and
success.
Copy !req
323. - No good, mr.
President,
Copy !req
324. because we've learned
that sex addicts will find ways
Copy !req
325. to make money and
become successful
Copy !req
326. in order to feed their
addiction.
Copy !req
327. - You mean boys will
start working
Copy !req
328. towards being rich and
successful
Copy !req
329. just so they can one day
have sex with lots of women?
Copy !req
330. - Yes.
Copy !req
331. That's why we decided to look at
the cash itself for clues.
Copy !req
332. We tried to find
something in the $100 bills
Copy !req
333. that could explain why
this is happening now.
Copy !req
334. Then we looked at the
back side and found this.
Copy !req
335. - Independence hall...
Copy !req
336. the birthplace of
our country.
Copy !req
337. - We believe something is
happening at independence hall
Copy !req
338. that gives money its
power over men.
Copy !req
339. - Independence hall...
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340. independence
day...
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341. aliens...
Copy !req
342. gentlemen, i
might know what's causing
Copy !req
343. the sex-addiction
outbreak.
Copy !req
344. This is highly
classified, but in 1947,
Copy !req
345. a flying saucer was
discovered in roswell, new mexico.
Copy !req
346. Two deceased alien
bodies were recovered
Copy !req
347. and hidden from
public knowledge.
Copy !req
348. They carried a virus
with them,
Copy !req
349. a virus that apparently
was only barely stopped
Copy !req
350. from spreading all
over the country.
Copy !req
351. - And you think these aliens
could be back with a new virus,
Copy !req
352. one originating from
independence hall,
Copy !req
353. causing rich, successful men
to have sex with lots of women?
Copy !req
354. - It's the only
explanation that makes any sense.
Copy !req
355. - I want to say that
i am deeply sorry
Copy !req
356. for my irresponsible and
selfish behavior.
Copy !req
357. I know i have severely
disappointed all of you.
Copy !req
358. Some have speculated
that my wife somehow hurt
Copy !req
359. or attacked me on
thanksgiving night.
Copy !req
360. It angers me that people
would fabricate a story like that.
Copy !req
361. She has shown nothing
but grace and poise.
Copy !req
362. - You motherfucker!
Copy !req
363. - Oh, no!
Copy !req
364. - I should've never
married you!
Copy !req
365. - Aah! Stop
it!
Copy !req
366. - A porn star?
Copy !req
367. You screwed a porn star?
Copy !req
368. - Oh, dude, you found
another girl's phone number
Copy !req
369. on my cell phone?
Copy !req
370. - Yeah, back in
that water level.
Copy !req
371. - Is kyle still at
sex-addiction therapy?
Copy !req
372. That must be really
intense.
Copy !req
373. - Okay, so what exactly
are we doing now?
Copy !req
374. - We are on our way to
help take care
Copy !req
375. of your diseases once
and for all.
Copy !req
376. - Oh, good, 'cause i
really can't take it anymore.
Copy !req
377. - Don't worry.
Copy !req
378. As soon as it's dead,
everything will make sense.
Copy !req
379. - As soon as what's
dead?
Copy !req
380. he just doesn't get it.
Copy !req
381. - The infected alien
that they just discovered
Copy !req
382. is hiding out at
independence hall!
Copy !req
383. - Entrance is clear, mr.
President.
Copy !req
384. - Mr. President, you
aren't safe here.
Copy !req
385. Let us handle this.
Copy !req
386. - Right side, clear!
Copy !req
387. - We must be careful.
Copy !req
388. The alien could've cast
Copy !req
389. some kind of spell of
invisibility.
Copy !req
390. - Which would mean that
the alien is also a wizard.
Copy !req
391. - Yes, it
explains everything.
Copy !req
392. A wizard alien would be able
to cast a spell on our species,
Copy !req
393. causing all the men to
become sex addicts.
Copy !req
394. - Enough!
Copy !req
395. We have to find the wizard alien
and break his spell.
Copy !req
396. - Okay, okay, all right,
all right, hang... hang on, guys.
Copy !req
397. I mean, come on, this is
getting a little ridiculous.
Copy !req
398. Wizard alien?
Copy !req
399. We all know what's
going on here, don't we?
Copy !req
400. Whenever a story breaks
about some rich, famous guy
Copy !req
401. going around and having
sex with tons of girls,
Copy !req
402. we all want to act like
we don't understand it,
Copy !req
403. but we do.
Copy !req
404. We're guys, you know?
Copy !req
405. Our brains are wired to
strive to be the alpha male
Copy !req
406. and get all the women we
can.
Copy !req
407. I mean, look where we
are.
Copy !req
408. Even... even benjamin franklin
screwed everything that moved,
Copy !req
409. because he could.
Copy !req
410. We don't have to condone
Copy !req
411. what these rich, famous
people do,
Copy !req
412. but we can at least
admit
Copy !req
413. that given the same
temptations and opportunities
Copy !req
414. that somebody like
tiger woods has,
Copy !req
415. a lot of us guys might
do something similar.
Copy !req
416. - We have a turd in
the punch bowl.
Copy !req
417. - Turd in the punch
bowl.
Copy !req
418. - Hey, what are you
doing? No, no, come on!
Copy !req
419. Where are you taking me?
Copy !req
420. - Ten city blocks have
been shut down
Copy !req
421. because an alien is
believed to have taken refuge
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422. here in independence
hall.
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423. By all accounts, the
alien is also a wizard
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424. who could very easily be
the cause of the outbreak
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425. of sex addiction in
our country!
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426. - Mr. President, here
they are.
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427. This is the boy i
told you about
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428. and his friend
"bummers."
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429. - Son, we were told that
you think sex addition
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430. can be controlled, that
it just takes restraint.
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431. Is that true?
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432. - I just think i'd
rather control it
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433. instead of blame it on
anything.
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434. - Amazing.
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435. Then the wizard-alien
spell
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436. might not have any
power over him.
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437. He could draw the
bastard out!
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438. - Quick, give
that boy a gun.
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439. - What? -
you better take one too.
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440. - All right, everyone
to the stairwell.
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441. The bastard's gotta
be upstairs.
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442. - What bastard?
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443. - The alien wizard
hiding out here.
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444. Come on, we've got to...
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445. - What the hell was
that?
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446. - I got a bad feeling
about this.
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447. - Oh, my god, there
it is!
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448. - It's the alien wizard!
It's gonna get you boys!
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449. Shoot it!
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450. - Shoot it, boys! -
you have to shoot it!
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451. - Shoot it again! It's
still alive!
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452. - You gotta reload!
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453. - Keep firing, boys!
Shoot it in the heart!
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454. - Keep shooting it!
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455. - Shoot him in
his blabbermouth!
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456. - My god, they've
done it!
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457. Oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
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458. - Look, the sex
addiction... it's leaving my body.
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459. - I can feel it. I'm
free.
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460. - We are healed!
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461. - Making love, let's
get down tonight
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462. - we watched as sex addiction
ran rampant through our country.
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463. It devastated families.
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464. But once again, our great
country has risen up as one.
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465. The wizard alien is
dead.
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466. Sex addiction is no
more.
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467. And if a rich celebrity
is caught again
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468. trying to screw lots of
women,
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469. we will know it isn't
because men are just like that.
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470. It's because a wizard
alien has cast his mighty spell.
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471. - Oh, i'm so glad it's
over, sharon, aren't you?
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472. - We are now with the young
boys who helped stop the alien.
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473. Boys, how does it feel
to be free of your illness?
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474. - I guess it feels
great.
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475. Thanks.
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476. - Yeah, it feels great!
I never wanna see bush again!
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477. I finally paid a lady to
show me hers.
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478. You wanna know what's
under that bush?
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479. Nothing but a pair of
sick joker lips!
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480. - I am so happy that
i am cured
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481. and no longer have any
desire to have sex with anyone
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482. but my beautiful wife.
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483. Now i can be faithful,
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484. and my wife won't feel
any need to get revenge
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485. by sleeping with
a bunch of guys.
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486. - I got sick this
morning
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487. a sea was storming...
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488. - so i officially
announce my return to golf!
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489. - What the hell? This
game's all boring now.
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490. - Yeah, where's all
the fighting?
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491. - Dude, screw this.
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492. Who wants to hit a
dumb, little ball around?
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493. - Yeah, golf is stupid
again.
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