1. - You have been
very, very naughty.Copy !req
2. You're a naughty girl.Copy !req
3. - Oh, yes, Gerald.
I've been so naughty.Copy !req
4. Oh, jeez!Copy !req
5. - What the—Ike!Copy !req
6. Ike, get back to bed
right now!Copy !req
7. - I'm scared.
There's a ghost.Copy !req
8. - Oh, not this again.Copy !req
9. Ike, we are sick of you
talking about ghosts.Copy !req
10. - But Daddy, I saw the—
- No buts.Copy !req
11. Get back to your room right now
and don't come out.Copy !req
12. You got it?Copy !req
13. - Gerald, what has
gotten into him?Copy !req
14. - Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
15. I think maybe
with all the newsCopy !req
16. of famous people
dying this summer,Copy !req
17. he—he's just
freaked himself out.Copy !req
18. - Hi. Billy Mays here
for Megascrub Cleanser.Copy !req
19. - Aah!Copy !req
20. - Are you tired
of your kitchen countersCopy !req
21. getting those nasty stains?Copy !req
22. Don't just rub them,
Megascrub them.Copy !req
23. - Billy Mays, no!Copy !req
24. - Mold, mildew, even those
impossible wine stainsCopy !req
25. are gone in a flash
when you snipe them away.Copy !req
26. - Mommy!Copy !req
27. Aah!Copy !req
28. Farrah Fawcett!
Farrah Fawcett!Copy !req
29. Aah!Copy !req
30. David Carradine!Copy !req
31. - Hi. Billy Mays here
for Mighty Mend-it—Copy !req
32. the fast and easy way to mend,
hem, and wear it again.Copy !req
33. - No!Copy !req
34. - Ike! Ike, what?Copy !req
35. - Make Billy Mays go away!Copy !req
36. Make Billy Mays
go away!Copy !req
37. Make him stop!Copy !req
38. Make him stop, Kyle!Copy !req
39. - Now, Ike, your family
is very worried about you.Copy !req
40. Ike, you can talk to me.
I'm a therapist.Copy !req
41. Whatever has been troubling you,
it's okay.Copy !req
42. - No. It's—
it's a secret.Copy !req
43. - Ike, tell me your secret.Copy !req
44. I promise not to tell
anyone else.Copy !req
45. - I see dead celebrities.Copy !req
46. - You mean, you see
dead celebrities on tv,Copy !req
47. in the news?Copy !req
48. - I see them walking around.Copy !req
49. They talk to me.Copy !req
50. - Are you seeing any
dead celebrities right now?Copy !req
51. - Just Ed McMahon.Copy !req
52. - How often do you see
dead celebrities?Copy !req
53. - All the time.Copy !req
54. - 'sup, Jew?Copy !req
55. - Guys, Ike has gotten worse.
I'm really worried about him.Copy !req
56. He says he's still seeing
dead celebrities.Copy !req
57. - Hah! What a dumb-ass.Copy !req
58. - I don't know.Copy !req
59. Last night we found him
hiding in the kitchen pantry.Copy !req
60. He was screaming the name
Billy Mays over and over again.Copy !req
61. - Billy Mays?
Billy Mays?Copy !req
62. Dude, you didn't tell us Ike
was seeing Billy Mays!Copy !req
63. - What?Copy !req
64. - Your little brother
saw the ghost of Billy Mays?Copy !req
65. - Dude, I don't even know
who that is.Copy !req
66. - The guy on tvCopy !req
67. who had incredible things
for people to buy?Copy !req
68. He died four months ago,Copy !req
69. but they still show
his commercials all the time?Copy !req
70. Oh! Oh, for the love
of Christ. Here.Copy !req
71. Here, here.
This is him.Copy !req
72. - Hi, Billy Mays here with
another fantastic product.Copy !req
73. If you're like other Americans,
you love to eat Chipotle,Copy !req
74. but you hate
all those terrible bloodstainsCopy !req
75. in your underwear.Copy !req
76. - I love Chipotle,Copy !req
77. but getting all the bloodstains
out of my underwearCopy !req
78. is a nightmare.Copy !req
79. - Well,
now there's a productCopy !req
80. that can clean even bloodstains
caused by ChipotleCopy !req
81. right off your underwear.Copy !req
82. Chipotlaway.Copy !req
83. Just one Chipotle burritoCopy !req
84. can leave up to a 1/4 cup
of underwear blood,Copy !req
85. but Chipotlaway
makes your underwear cleanCopy !req
86. and ready for more.Copy !req
87. Stop buying new underwear
every time you eat Chipotle.Copy !req
88. That can cost you thousands.Copy !req
89. Chipotlaway gets rid
of bloodstainsCopy !req
90. and leaves underwear
good as new.Copy !req
91. Imagine having underwear
so cleanCopy !req
92. you can practically
eat off of it.Copy !req
93. - Mmm! Chipotle!Copy !req
94. - Now you can eat
all the Chipotle you wantCopy !req
95. and still have underwear
that sparkles and shines.Copy !req
96. Order right now!Copy !req
97. - That product
changed my life.Copy !req
98. It really works.
I use it all the time.Copy !req
99. - What?
Are you serious?Copy !req
100. - Look, Kyle,
if there's even a chanceCopy !req
101. that Billy Mays' soul
is not at rest,Copy !req
102. then I want to help
however I can.Copy !req
103. - Dude, why the hell
would you do that?Copy !req
104. - Because he was
a great person, Kyle.Copy !req
105. - No, why the hell
would you keep eatingCopy !req
106. something
that made you crap blood?Copy !req
107. - Dude, have you had Chipotle?
It's really good.Copy !req
108. You guys, we have to help
Kyle's brotherCopy !req
109. and get to the bottom
of this,Copy !req
110. and I think
I know just who to call.Copy !req
111. - On this episode
of Ghost Hunters,Copy !req
112. A little boy in Colorado appears
to be haunted by celebrities.Copy !req
113. Now the Ghost Hunter team
will roll outCopy !req
114. and get to the bottom of it.Copy !req
115. It's the gayest show
in the fucking world.Copy !req
116. Ghost Hunters!Copy !req
117. - All right, tell us what
we've got this week, Chris.Copy !req
118. - We're going to Colorado to
investigate celebrity paranorm—Copy !req
119. - Wait, what—what was that?
What was that?Copy !req
120. - I heard it too.
It was like a—like a—Copy !req
121. - Is there a ghost here?Copy !req
122. All right, so you say a little
boy is seeing the ghost?Copy !req
123. - Yeah, apparently only he
is seeing them.Copy !req
124. - Doi—shh, shh! What is that?
Do you hear that?Copy !req
125. There, there. Look.
What is that? What is that?Copy !req
126. - I think that's
just a cigarette lighter.Copy !req
127. - Oh, right, okay.
Maybe.Copy !req
128. We are now
inside the houseCopy !req
129. where the celebrity ghosts
have been spotted.Copy !req
130. Whoa, whoa, what—
what was that? What was that?Copy !req
131. - What was what?Copy !req
132. - Did you hear that?
It was like a—Copy !req
133. it was like a"doo."Copy !req
134. Is there a spooky ghost here?Copy !req
135. Look! What is that?
What is that?Copy !req
136. - I'm pretty sure
that's their television.Copy !req
137. - Oh, man,
I am really scared.Copy !req
138. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What is this? What is this?Copy !req
139. There's a there's a—
a wetness coming from my pants!Copy !req
140. - I see it!
- What is it?Copy !req
141. - Oh, no! God, I'm so scared!
I'm so scared!Copy !req
142. - Look! Look,
it's got you, too!Copy !req
143. Are you getting this? Make sure
the camera is getting this!Copy !req
144. Definitely some
paranormal activity.Copy !req
145. - It's warm and moist—Copy !req
146. a warm, moist sensation that's
moving down my left thigh.Copy !req
147. - Look, it's starting
to form a—a—Copy !req
148. a pool around the floor now.Copy !req
149. Are you getting this?Copy !req
150. - Are you guys
fucking serious?Copy !req
151. - Oh, god, the paranormal
activity is now leaving a—Copy !req
152. a trail of some kind
behind both of us.Copy !req
153. - Oh!
Something hot and warmCopy !req
154. is coming out the back
of my pants now.Copy !req
155. - Oh, it smells!Copy !req
156. - You see, Ike?
There's nothing.Copy !req
157. There's nothing
for you to be afraid of.Copy !req
158. - Hi, Billy Mays here for
the Big City Slider Station.Copy !req
159. - It's all
just in your head, Ike.Copy !req
160. - The fast and easy wayCopy !req
161. to press and cook
delicious sliders.Copy !req
162. - Aah! Aah!Copy !req
163. - I just don't
understand it.Copy !req
164. - It's gonna be
all right, Kyle.Copy !req
165. - But dude,
it doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
166. I mean, if you know it's going
to make you crap blood,Copy !req
167. why wouldn't you at least just
try eating less of it?Copy !req
168. - Because, dude,
that's what I'm saying.Copy !req
169. You have the Chipotlaway,
so it doesn't matter.Copy !req
170. - But of course it matters,Copy !req
171. because you should be concerned
there's blood in your underwear.Copy !req
172. Do you understand this?Copy !req
173. - Dude,
I don't understand at all.Copy !req
174. I eat Chipotle all the time and
it never made me crap blood.Copy !req
175. - Oh, well,
how nice for you, Stan.Copy !req
176. It's great you've got
a golden rectum of the gods,Copy !req
177. but the rest of us
need Chipotlaway.Copy !req
178. - Well, boys,
little Ike is stable.Copy !req
179. But the celebrity ghostsCopy !req
180. appear to have sent him
into some kind of coma.Copy !req
181. - Whoa, whoa, wait.
There really are ghosts?Copy !req
182. - Well, of course there really
are ghosts.Copy !req
183. Haven't you seen
that show Ghost Hunters?Copy !req
184. But I'm a pediatric doctor,
so I'm going to hand this offCopy !req
185. to Dr. Phillips, who
specializes in spooky things.Copy !req
186. - The ghosts of these
celebrities are at deep unrest.Copy !req
187. I've never sensed anything
like it.Copy !req
188. I believe these celebrity ghosts
are still roaming the world,Copy !req
189. reaching out
through the childCopy !req
190. because they are lost
in Purgatory.Copy !req
191. - Purgatory?
What's that?Copy !req
192. - Sometimes when people die,Copy !req
193. they can't quite accept
what has happened to them,Copy !req
194. and so before
they reach the afterlife,Copy !req
195. they go to a place
called Purgatory.Copy !req
196. It is a temporary plane
of existence.Copy !req
197. It's neither Heaven
nor Hell.Copy !req
198. Purgatory is like
being on an airplaneCopy !req
199. that's waiting to take off,Copy !req
200. but you're still sitting
at the gate.Copy !req
201. And even though the plane
isn't taking off,Copy !req
202. they won't let you
back off the plane,Copy !req
203. and you can't get up
to go to the bathroomCopy !req
204. because
you're on an active runway.Copy !req
205. All these dead celebrities
are sitting on that plane,Copy !req
206. waiting and
wanting to move on.Copy !req
207. But for whatever reason,
they are stuckCopy !req
208. without any information,
even from the pilot,Copy !req
209. how much longer
it's going to be,Copy !req
210. and it's taking forever,Copy !req
211. and they aren't serving
any drinks yet.Copy !req
212. It's like
a terrifying limbo.Copy !req
213. - My God.
Poor Billy Mays.Copy !req
214. - I am speaking
to the celebritiesCopy !req
215. that are haunting
this child.Copy !req
216. If any spirit can hear my voice,
make your presence known.Copy !req
217. - Hi, Billy Mays here
with another fantastic product.Copy !req
218. - Billy Mays!
It's him!Copy !req
219. - Are you tired of having
to put your toilet seat down?Copy !req
220. - Yes, yes, I am,
Billy Mays!Copy !req
221. - No!
Be quiet, Billy Mays!Copy !req
222. Somebody is trying
to contact us!Copy !req
223. - To which celebrity
am I addressing now?Copy !req
224. - This is Walter Cronkite.Copy !req
225. - All you celebrities need to
know that you have passed on.Copy !req
226. - We know that.Copy !req
227. - Yeah,
of course we know that.Copy !req
228. - There's only one person here
who's not cooperating.Copy !req
229. - That's right! Now just admit
you're dead and sit down!Copy !req
230. - No, that's ignorant.Copy !req
231. I'm not dead.Copy !req
232. - Uh-oh.Copy !req
233. - You are dead!Copy !req
234. - No,
I just have a skin condition.Copy !req
235. - Boys, quickly, convince
Michael Jackson that he's dead.Copy !req
236. - What?
- He's in denial.Copy !req
237. He's been in denial
all his life.Copy !req
238. Now tell him or you're gonna
lose your little brother!Copy !req
239. - Mr. Jackson,
you aren't alive.Copy !req
240. You're in Purgatory.Copy !req
241. - No.
You're being ignorant.Copy !req
242. I'm alive, and I'm a child.Copy !req
243. And I'm white.Copy !req
244. - Mr. Jackson, please, you're
causing a lot of problems.Copy !req
245. - Hi, Billy Mays here
for the Super Sweeper.Copy !req
246. - Shut up, Billy Mays!Copy !req
247. - You're dead, Mr. Jackson.Copy !req
248. - No.
That's—that's just ignorant.Copy !req
249. - Accept it!Copy !req
250. - No!Copy !req
251. - He's in too much denial.Copy !req
252. Aah!Copy !req
253. - Ike! Ike, wake up,
buddy. Wake up!Copy !req
254. Ike, you've got to
wake up, please!Copy !req
255. There you go.
That's good.Copy !req
256. Oh, Ike! I thought
I lost you, little brother.Copy !req
257. - No, no, that's ignorant.Copy !req
258. Oh, look, everyone.
I told you I was alive.Copy !req
259. - Hey, what the hell are you
doing inside my little brother?Copy !req
260. - Whee, I'm a child.Copy !req
261. I knew I was a child. See?Copy !req
262. Come on, let's play.
Let's go climb a tree.Copy !req
263. - Come back here!Copy !req
264. Hey, hey!Copy !req
265. - Mr. Jackson, you can't
do this! This is not your body!Copy !req
266. - No, I'm a little white child.
Let's play.Copy !req
267. - Dude, asshole!Copy !req
268. You're keeping a lot of other
celebrities in Purgatory.Copy !req
269. - Including the late
and very talented Billy Mays.Copy !req
270. - No, that's ignorant.Copy !req
271. People are just ignorant,Copy !req
272. and they lie and spread rumors
about me.Copy !req
273. Like, that I'm dead.Copy !req
274. But if I was dead,
how could I do this?Copy !req
275. - What the hell
are we going to do?Copy !req
276. - Come on,
this is ridiculous.Copy !req
277. How much longer do we have to
sit in Purgatory?Copy !req
278. - Come on!
- This is ridiculous! Come on!Copy !req
279. - Ladies and gentlemen, we
thank you for your patience.Copy !req
280. I've been informed that
we are going to be delayedCopy !req
281. at least another 96 hours.Copy !req
282. Aw!Copy !req
283. - Yo, you can't just keep people
stuck like this, man!Copy !req
284. - We know that you're all
excited to cross overCopy !req
285. to the next plane, but for now
you have to stay on this one.Copy !req
286. - That's it!
I have to go to the bathroom!Copy !req
287. - Sir, you have to
stay in your seatCopy !req
288. with your seat belt
fastened.Copy !req
289. - You've been saying that
for three months now!Copy !req
290. - All right, let's see.
Demonic ghosts, animal ghosts.Copy !req
291. - Setting traps for ghosts.
No.Copy !req
292. - Okay, here's the one part that
really makes no sense to me.Copy !req
293. The first time you saw
bloodstains on your underwear,Copy !req
294. were you alarmed?Copy !req
295. - Was I alarmed?
Yes, I believe I was.Copy !req
296. - So then,
why do you just ignore it,Copy !req
297. using something as stupid
as"Chipoltaway"?Copy !req
298. - Chipotlaway, Kyle, and
I'm not the one who uses it.Copy !req
299. My mom does.
She does the laundry.Copy !req
300. - Your mom uses ChipotlawayCopy !req
301. to clean bloodstains
out of your underwear?Copy !req
302. - Yes.Copy !req
303. - And then takes you to
Chipotle and buys you more?Copy !req
304. - Yes, Kyle,
it's totally normal.Copy !req
305. People do this stuff,
you know?Copy !req
306. Not every one can be the boy
with the golden butthole.Copy !req
307. - Here—here—here it is.
Possession by a ghost.Copy !req
308. A ghost that enters and then
refuses to leave a living hostCopy !req
309. has done so because it failed
in the living worldCopy !req
310. to be what it
wanted to be.Copy !req
311. The ghost
must be allowed to transformCopy !req
312. and be recognized by the living
as what it always tried to be.Copy !req
313. - What has Michael Jackson
always tried to be?Copy !req
314. - A child and a female.
And white.Copy !req
315. - So he wants to finally be
accepted by the livingCopy !req
316. as a little white girl.Copy !req
317. - Well, what the hell
are we gonna do?Copy !req
318. Dress him up in a princess gown
and parade him aroundCopy !req
319. like the parents
at those awful child pageants?Copy !req
320. - Hello. First up, we have
the beautiful Miss Jessica.Copy !req
321. - All right, Jessica.
Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
322. - Jessica enjoys
riding her horse MarleyCopy !req
323. and doing her nails
with her sisters.Copy !req
324. Next, contestant number 26,
Miss Brandy.Copy !req
325. - Yeah, Brandy.
Work it, girl.Copy !req
326. - Brandy likes ice cream and
playing with her cat, Sunshine.Copy !req
327. - Don't forget to blow a kiss
to the judges, Brandy.Copy !req
328. - and now welcome
contestant number 27,Copy !req
329. Little Miss
Michael Jackson.Copy !req
330. - All right, Michael!Copy !req
331. - Yeah, yeah. Work it,
Michael, work it!Copy !req
332. - Michael says she just
enjoys being a child.Copy !req
333. She loves to play
and climb treesCopy !req
334. and thinks people who don't
are ignorant.Copy !req
335. - Ignorant.Copy !req
336. - God, I hope this works.Copy !req
337. - Hi, Billy Mays hereCopy !req
338. for the Little
Country Handi Pillow.Copy !req
339. Are you tired
of sitting in limbo?Copy !req
340. Lost somewhere between
planes of existence?Copy !req
341. Well, now there's a product
that can help you—Copy !req
342. - Will somebody
shut his fucking mouth?Copy !req
343. I can't take it anymore!Copy !req
344. - This is bad enough without
having to constantlyCopy !req
345. listen to you try and sell
your stupid crap, Mays!Copy !req
346. - with just two easy steps,
I can climb over these seatsCopy !req
347. and kick you
right in the fucking balls.Copy !req
348. - That does it!Copy !req
349. We are not just going
to just sit here anymore!Copy !req
350. We want
some goddamn answers!Copy !req
351. - Why isn't anybody
telling us anything?Copy !req
352. - Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.Copy !req
353. - It's about fucking time!Copy !req
354. - certainly want to, uh,Copy !req
355. thank you
for all your patience.Copy !req
356. We know that you're eager to,
uh, get going,Copy !req
357. and we will certainly
pass on any information, uh,Copy !req
358. as it becomes, uh,
more available.Copy !req
359. - But yo, yo! Michael Jackson
isn't even here anymore!Copy !req
360. He's gone! We should be
able to move on now!Copy !req
361. - Yes,
but as we all know,Copy !req
362. Mr. Jackson
had a lot of baggage,Copy !req
363. and he checked
some of that baggage in,Copy !req
364. so a crew has to go through
all the baggageCopy !req
365. and get his
off at PurgatoryCopy !req
366. before we can
push back from the gate.Copy !req
367. - Aw!Copy !req
368. - Did I do good
in the swimsuit category?Copy !req
369. I'm worried that little
doodoo-head brunette girlCopy !req
370. was prettier than me.Copy !req
371. - Excuse me, uh,
if you could do us a favorCopy !req
372. and please just
vote for little Miss Jackson?Copy !req
373. It's really important.Copy !req
374. - It's more important
for my little Kylie.Copy !req
375. Just look at this face.Copy !req
376. - Mommy, that hurts
my cheek implants.Copy !req
377. - All right.
Thank you, Miss Cassie.Copy !req
378. And now,
for her talent portion,Copy !req
379. Miss Michael Jackson
is gonna sing for us.Copy !req
380. - Dude,
the two male judges love her.Copy !req
381. - All right,
that's about enough!Copy !req
382. - Aw, crap!Copy !req
383. - Hey, what the f?Copy !req
384. - All right, everyone.Copy !req
385. The judge will now tally
her final scores.Copy !req
386. - We're totally screwed.Copy !req
387. They took
the two best judges away.Copy !req
388. - Yeah, there's no way that
lady judge is voting for us.Copy !req
389. She was glaring
the entire time.Copy !req
390. - You'll win for sure,
Heidi.Copy !req
391. You know how much
that judge adores you.Copy !req
392. - Aw, dude,
this is hopeless.Copy !req
393. - Wait, wait. Wait,
look at the lady judge.Copy !req
394. She's eating Chipotle.Copy !req
395. - So what?Copy !req
396. - So maybe
she doesn't know.Copy !req
397. Maybe she doesn't know,
Kyle!Copy !req
398. Excuse me, ma'am.
I see you're eating Chipotle.Copy !req
399. - Oh, yes.
It's my favorite fast food.Copy !req
400. I would eat it every day,
except, uh...Copy !req
401. - except you can't afford
buying all the new underwear?Copy !req
402. - How did you know—?
Look, it doesn't matter.Copy !req
403. I'm just gonna
have to give it up.Copy !req
404. - What if you
didn't have to give it up?Copy !req
405. - Excuse me?Copy !req
406. - I think you and ICopy !req
407. might be able to help
each other here today.Copy !req
408. - And now it is time to
announce our Grand Little Miss!Copy !req
409. Little Miss Michael Jackson!Copy !req
410. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
411. - Whoo-hoo!
- All right!Copy !req
412. - I'm sorry I didn't win,
Mommy.Copy !req
413. Aah!Copy !req
414. - Thank you so much
for this award.Copy !req
415. Of all the awards I've ever won,
this one means the most.Copy !req
416. I feel like
I'm finally at rest.Copy !req
417. I'm finally at rest!Copy !req
418. I'm free!Copy !req
419. - Holy.Copy !req
420. What the
am I wearing?Copy !req
421. - Ike!
Ike, you're back!Copy !req
422. - Kyle, what the
is going on?Copy !req
423. - It's okay, Ike.
You're going to be okay.Copy !req
424. - Yes,
thanks to us and Chipotlaway,Copy !req
425. the spirits of the celebrities
can now rest.Copy !req
426. - Whee! I'm free!
I'm free!Copy !req
427. - Hey, he's here!
He's here!Copy !req
428. - All right, everyone.Copy !req
429. It looks like we are
all ready to move on.Copy !req
430. - Did you all
see my crown?Copy !req
431. - Finally! Finally,
we can all move on!Copy !req
432. - All right, everyone,
I'd like to be the firstCopy !req
433. to welcome you
to The Gates of Hell.Copy !req
434. Unfortunately,
Hell is a tow-in gate.Copy !req
435. - Aw!Copy !req