1. Captioning made possible by
COMEDY CENTRALCopy !req
2. All right, that's
2.8 centimeters.Copy !req
3. Should give us
a drag of only...Copy !req
4. .6 milliseconds.Copy !req
5. Hold the front
here, Stan.Copy !req
6. Hey, guys,
it's almost 2:00 a.m.Copy !req
7. We know!Copy !req
8. Well, it's way past
time for bed.Copy !req
9. Sharon, Stan's Pinewood
Derby Race is tomorrow.Copy !req
10. Do you have any idea how
important this is to him?Copy !req
11. Stan is not gonna loseCopy !req
12. to the Goddamn
Hollises again!Copy !req
13. Well, it's just a block of
wood and some wheels.Copy !req
14. I don't think there's that
much more you can do with it.Copy !req
15. That's 'cause
you're a chick!Copy !req
16. Now just
leave us alone!Copy !req
17. Don't worry, son.Copy !req
18. The Hollises are not
beating us this year.Copy !req
19. I went and got something
to put inside our carCopy !req
20. and make it
go extra fast.Copy !req
21. Dad, we're not allowed to
add anything to the carCopy !req
22. that doesn't come in
the approved kit, remember?Copy !req
23. Stan, how do you think the
Hollises beat us every year?Copy !req
24. I'm sure they put lead in
the wood or something.Copy !req
25. We're just
leveling the playing field.Copy !req
26. There.
What is that?Copy !req
27. It's— it's nothing,
really.Copy !req
28. Tom, I'm standing outsideCopy !req
29. the Hadron Particle
Super Collider in Switzerland,Copy !req
30. where authorities are shockedCopy !req
31. and baffled
over the theftCopy !req
32. of a superconducting
bending magnetCopy !req
33. created for use in tests
with particle acceleration.Copy !req
34. Oh, no, he didn't.Copy !req
35. The superconducting magnet
was stolen sometime last week.Copy !req
36. Surveillance cameras were able
to record the theft on tapeCopy !req
37. and police are now looking forCopy !req
38. Princess Leia Organa
of Alderaan.Copy !req
39. Caught here in these photos,
the troubled Rebel princessCopy !req
40. is seen taking
the superconducting magnetCopy !req
41. and then appearing disorientedCopy !req
42. as she tries to
find her way out.Copy !req
43. If you have any information of
Princess Leia's whereaboutsCopy !req
44. please call your
local police department.Copy !req
45. ( man )
All right, scouts and dads,
the racing continues.Copy !req
46. And it looks like our
next heat is ready to goCopy !req
47. in three, two, one—
race!Copy !req
48. 2.1 Seconds for Tommy Bretz!Copy !req
49. Looks like we have
a new leader, folks!Copy !req
50. All right!
All right!Copy !req
51. All right, Stan,
we're gonna need to check inCopy !req
52. and have our car inspected
to qualify.Copy !req
53. Now, son, daddy needs
to teach you somethingCopy !req
54. very important about
"tells."Copy !req
55. Tells?Copy !req
56. When you tell them you only
used the approved kit,Copy !req
57. don't look up and away,Copy !req
58. don't rub your neck
and don't touch your ear.Copy !req
59. Otherwise, they'll know you're
lying to them, all right?Copy !req
60. Whenever you need to lie,
just don't look up and away,Copy !req
61. rub your neck or
touch your ear.Copy !req
62. Dad, maybe we should
just take out the thingCopy !req
63. you put in the car—Copy !req
64. Son, you have to learn
how to lie correctly some day,Copy !req
65. might as well be today,
all right?Copy !req
66. I love you, son.Copy !req
67. Looks good.Copy !req
68. Thank you
and good luck today.Copy !req
69. All right next, please.Copy !req
70. Name?Copy !req
71. It's, uh, Marsh.Copy !req
72. All right, car weighs
in at 15 ounces.Copy !req
73. Do you hereby swear
that you used partsCopy !req
74. in the official
Pinewood Derby kitCopy !req
75. and only parts in the official
Pinewood Derby kit?Copy !req
76. ( whispering )
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.Copy !req
77. Yes, I do.Copy !req
78. All right, young man,
good luck today.Copy !req
79. Oooh, yesssssss!Copy !req
80. Well, well, look, son,
it's the Marshes.Copy !req
81. Hey, Hollis.Copy !req
82. You guys race already?Copy !req
83. No, little Emmett
hasn't gone yet.Copy !req
84. Think they're
saving the best for last.Copy !req
85. Clocked her in at home
at 1.5 seconds.Copy !req
86. It's the fastest
car we've ever built.Copy !req
87. 1.5?Copy !req
88. The time to beat
is 1.9 seconds.Copy !req
89. May we please have...Copy !req
90. Brewster, Marsh,
Jarvis and Hollis.Copy !req
91. Huh.Copy !req
92. Only fitting our boys
should be going head-to-headCopy !req
93. for their match,
hey, Marsh?Copy !req
94. Come on, Stan,
you can do this!Copy !req
95. All right, kids,
are you ready?Copy !req
96. Here we go, last race for
the state championship inCopy !req
97. three... two... one...Copy !req
98. Go!Copy !req
99. You got it, Emmett!Copy !req
100. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
101. Suck on that, Hollis!Copy !req
102. ( announcer )
This is 9 News at ten.Copy !req
103. A Colorado boy and his father
have set a new recordCopy !req
104. at the Pinewood Derby.Copy !req
105. Stan and Randy Marsh not
only broke a speed record,Copy !req
106. but actually appear to have
bent time and spaceCopy !req
107. and discovered warp speed.Copy !req
108. A parade was held for
the winners earlier today.Copy !req
109. And already offers
for commercialsCopy !req
110. and endorsement dealsCopy !req
111. for the father and son
appear to be pouring in.Copy !req
112. Dad, I just want you to
know, I still love you.Copy !req
113. Ahghgghghghghgh!Copy !req
114. He's okay, he's okay,Copy !req
115. he's okay,
he's okay, he's okay!Copy !req
116. Stan Marsh?Copy !req
117. Yeah.Copy !req
118. I'm Agent Clark
and this is Agent Marx.Copy !req
119. We'd like to talk to you about
your Pinewood Derby car.Copy !req
120. Aw, crap.Copy !req
121. Dad!Copy !req
122. Young man, what we're
about to tell youCopy !req
123. is a matter of
national security.Copy !req
124. Yesterday, every government
and embassy on EarthCopy !req
125. was contacted by...
an alien life force.Copy !req
126. Alien?Copy !req
127. Apparently, the alien came
across your Pinewood Derby carCopy !req
128. and it's now headed
to our planet.Copy !req
129. What does it want?Copy !req
130. We believe that they
intend to welcome usCopy !req
131. into the Galactic Federation
of Planets.Copy !req
132. They will want
to meet the peopleCopy !req
133. who discovered warp speed
for our species.Copy !req
134. Stan, did you use all
the damn toilet paper again?Copy !req
135. Oh, crap!Copy !req
136. What?
What do you guys want?Copy !req
137. We said we only used
what was in the kit!Copy !req
138. You got nothing on us!Copy !req
139. You got nothing on
ussssss!Copy !req
140. Dad, they aren't here
for that!Copy !req
141. Oh.Copy !req
142. Hi, I'm Randy Marsh.Copy !req
143. Mr. Marsh, we were just
telling your sonCopy !req
144. that thanks to youCopy !req
145. we have made first
contact with alien life.Copy !req
146. What?Copy !req
147. Hey— hey, Sharon!Copy !req
148. NASA has confirmed
that an alien shipCopy !req
149. has entered our solar system
and is headed here.Copy !req
150. So guess what.Copy !req
151. Our Pinewood Derby car
found alien life in space.Copy !req
152. What?
Oh, my God!Copy !req
153. Yeah, but I guess it's
just a dumb, little raceCopy !req
154. like you said,
huh, Sharon?Copy !req
155. The world holds its breathCopy !req
156. as an alien ship
prepares to land.Copy !req
157. Now that our planet has
achieved warp speed,Copy !req
158. we are about to welcomed
into the universal society,Copy !req
159. all thanks to a father and son
who broke the warp barrierCopy !req
160. using only the parts in
this Pinewood Derby car kit.Copy !req
161. Mr. Marsh, you are on with
all the world leaders.Copy !req
162. Hello?Copy !req
163. God speed, Mr. Marsh.Copy !req
164. The nation of France
is with you!Copy !req
165. Good ruck wis arien,
Missa Marsh!Copy !req
166. Prease say
harro from-a China!Copy !req
167. Uh, okay, oh, stand by.Copy !req
168. I think it's—
I think it's landing.Copy !req
169. Our first encounter with
extraterrestrial lifeCopy !req
170. is about to happen.Copy !req
171. Will it be like in
"Star Trek: First Contact"Copy !req
172. or will it be more like
"Contact" with Jodie Foster?Copy !req
173. I seek the life forms
that made this.Copy !req
174. That's ours, Mr. Alien.Copy !req
175. We are the Marshes,
Randy and Stan.Copy !req
176. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
177. You're gonna build me
another one, see?Copy !req
178. He's got a gun!Copy !req
179. Everyone down on
the ground!Copy !req
180. Get those hands up!
Let me see those hands!Copy !req
181. Do it now!Copy !req
182. I mean it,
show me those hands!Copy !req
183. I'm Baby Fark McGee-zax!Copy !req
184. The greatest gangster
this universeCopy !req
185. has ever seen, right?Copy !req
186. You can't threaten us!Copy !req
187. Hap!Copy !req
188. Who wants it next, huh?Copy !req
189. Anyone else on this planet
wanna be a hero?Copy !req
190. Ahghghgh!Copy !req
191. What do you want?Copy !req
192. I'm on the lam!Copy !req
193. I got the entire Federation
of Planets after me,Copy !req
194. but they ain't gonna
catch me, you got that?Copy !req
195. They might've busted
my warp driveCopy !req
196. but you obviously
know how to make 'em!Copy !req
197. Screw this guy!Copy !req
198. He can't take out
all of us!Copy !req
199. Ahgghgh!Copy !req
200. I can kill any mug on this
two-bit planet I want!Copy !req
201. Oooh!
Dame Dame!
Abunaiiii!Copy !req
202. You build me a new warp driveCopy !req
203. or you'll all
gonna get it, see?Copy !req
204. Fine, he can build
you want you want.Copy !req
205. All he needs is the official
Pinewood Derby kit.Copy !req
206. Right, Marsh?Copy !req
207. Uh, yeah, that's all
we need, huh, Stan?Copy !req
208. Oh, boy.Copy !req
209. Okay, let's put
the wheels on now, son.Copy !req
210. What's taking so long?Copy !req
211. You're stallin' !Copy !req
212. Come on, Randy,
just build him the warp driveCopy !req
213. and he'll leave us alone!Copy !req
214. We're working on it!Copy !req
215. Dad— Dad, you know we can't
make the car go as fastCopy !req
216. as before with only the
approved Pinewood Derby kit.Copy !req
217. Yeah, thanks, Stan,
I know that!Copy !req
218. Well, we have to tell him we
used something outside the kit.Copy !req
219. Do you have any idea
how stupidCopy !req
220. that will
make us look?Copy !req
221. All right, that does it!Copy !req
222. Hello?Copy !req
223. He just-a blew up our
government-a building!Copy !req
224. You've got-a hurry!Copy !req
225. Mr. Marsh, why won't you finish
the Pinewood Derby car?Copy !req
226. Will you just give us
a minute?Copy !req
227. Goll- !Copy !req
228. Come on, Dad,
we gotta come clean.Copy !req
229. Aghghgh...Copy !req
230. Aw Zats!Copy !req
231. It's the Intergalactic
Police!Copy !req
232. What?Copy !req
233. You better get rid of 'emCopy !req
234. or your whole planet
is gonna get it, see?Copy !req
235. You tell 'em you ain't seen
nothin', you got that?Copy !req
236. I ain't goin'
to space jail!Copy !req
237. Excuse us, earthlings,
but we've been in pursuitCopy !req
238. of a criminal from
the Xenon galaxy.Copy !req
239. Fella by the name
of Baby Fark McGee-zax?Copy !req
240. Uh, no.Copy !req
241. We haven't seen anything.Copy !req
242. Well, you think anyone else
on your planetCopy !req
243. might have seen him?Copy !req
244. Uh, actually, I happen
to be on the phoneCopy !req
245. with all the world leaders.Copy !req
246. I can ask.Copy !req
247. Uh, yeah, listen these,
uh, police aliens are hereCopy !req
248. and they're wondering if anyone
has seen an alienCopy !req
249. named Baby Fark McGee-zax.Copy !req
250. No, no, we haven't
seen arien.Copy !req
251. We've seen
nothing here in France.Copy !req
252. Sorry, nobody in the world
has seen anything.Copy !req
253. Uh, what did this
criminal alien do, exactly?Copy !req
254. He stole over 600 parsons
of space cashCopy !req
255. from the Universal bank.Copy !req
256. You're absolutely sure you
didn't see an alien land here.Copy !req
257. No, we're sure.Copy !req
258. So then... we're the first
aliens you've ever seen.Copy !req
259. That's right, yup,
you're the first ones.Copy !req
260. You don't seem that excitedCopy !req
261. about your first
contact with alien life.Copy !req
262. That's— that's right!
Oh, my god!Copy !req
263. Hey, everybody,
we just made first contact!Copy !req
264. If you do see any
sign of the other alienCopy !req
265. or the space cash you'll—Copy !req
266. We will give you a call!Copy !req
267. Mathematical semi-tonal
is fine.Copy !req
268. Huh.
Something wrong, sir?Copy !req
269. I don't know, Daverd.Copy !req
270. Just something about that
planet didn't feel right.Copy !req
271. All right, son, now you just
paint the racing stripeCopy !req
272. like you did before.Copy !req
273. I don't need it painted!Copy !req
274. I just need it
functional, right?Copy !req
275. Hey, the right paint job
is a big part ofCopy !req
276. what makes a
Pinewood Derby car go fast.Copy !req
277. That's true.Copy !req
278. I swear, if you don't have
that thing workingCopy !req
279. in three minutes, this
whole planet is done for!Copy !req
280. Dad, it's over.Copy !req
281. We have to tell everyone
we cheated.Copy !req
282. No, I've got it
all figured out, son.Copy !req
283. You have to kill
the alien.Copy !req
284. Kill the alien?
Shh!Copy !req
285. I've been filing down this
piece of metal into a shank.Copy !req
286. I'm gonna call him over here
to look at the car.Copy !req
287. When I do,
you shove that in his neck.Copy !req
288. No, Dad, we don't even
know what'll happen!Copy !req
289. What are you two
whisperin' about, right?Copy !req
290. Uh, no, that's it,
we're done!Copy !req
291. Here, come take a look!Copy !req
292. Dad!Copy !req
293. Here, see?Copy !req
294. Look real close
that the axles here.Copy !req
295. Gwaaaaarkkk!Copy !req
296. Gawawkwakwk!Copy !req
297. Gwaaaawaawawwk!Copy !req
298. Yeah!Copy !req
299. All right,
you got him, son!Copy !req
300. All right, men,
check the ship!Copy !req
301. You see, Stan?Copy !req
302. What did daddy
tell you?Copy !req
303. Everything worked out.Copy !req
304. I guess so.Copy !req
305. It just still doesn't
feel right.Copy !req
306. But Stan it's over now.Copy !req
307. We'll never have to
lie again.Copy !req
308. ( man )
Hey, Marsh, get in here!Copy !req
309. Can you believe it?Copy !req
310. Oh, my God.Copy !req
311. Spaaace casshhh.Copy !req
312. Looks like those
alien cops were right.Copy !req
313. Guess you should call
them back now.Copy !req
314. Right.Copy !req
315. Or what if we
didn't call the cops?Copy !req
316. Huh?Copy !req
317. I mean, this is a lot of
space cash, guys.Copy !req
318. Think what we
could do with it.Copy !req
319. No, Dad—
He's right.Copy !req
320. We don't have to
call the police back.Copy !req
321. All right, let's get
the cash put into boxes.Copy !req
322. Whoa, whoa, Dad,
what are we doing?Copy !req
323. Will you relax, Stan?Copy !req
324. Don't sink
you can keepCopy !req
325. all ze space cash
for yourselves.Copy !req
326. Zat's right.Copy !req
327. This is all of our planet.Copy !req
328. The space cash belongs
to all of us!Copy !req
329. Either America
shares that space cashCopy !req
330. with the rest of the world,Copy !req
331. or we will tell
the space cops!Copy !req
332. All right, fine, look,Copy !req
333. there's plenty of space cash
to go around.Copy !req
334. Thanks to us,
our planet is rich, son!Copy !req
335. Oh, no, no, China,
we get to keep the ship.Copy !req
336. Because we killed the alien,
you boner.Copy !req
337. Oh, come on, England,
you got just as much ofCopy !req
338. the space cash as
everyone else.Copy !req
339. Oh, crap,
it's the cops!Copy !req
340. Hang on!Copy !req
341. Oh, hey, space officers.Copy !req
342. Looks like the alien criminal
did land here after all.Copy !req
343. Oh, that— you were talking
about that alien?Copy !req
344. Oh, yeah, that one,
he was here, yeah,Copy !req
345. he landed here,
but we— we killed him.Copy !req
346. And so did you find
the missing space cash?Copy !req
347. No— space cash, no.Copy !req
348. There wasn't any
space cash.Copy !req
349. Well, maybe someone else
on your planetCopy !req
350. knows where it is.Copy !req
351. Hey, uh, any of you other
countries see any space cash?Copy !req
352. No, space cash
No way.
No, no.
No, space cash.Copy !req
353. Yeah, doesn't look like
the space cash was ever here.Copy !req
354. Uh-huh.Copy !req
355. Guess he must of dropped it
off at some other planet.Copy !req
356. Probably!Copy !req
357. Well, you folks
all take care now.Copy !req
358. Just one more thing,
Earthlings.Copy !req
359. Uh, we had some
images done of your planetCopy !req
360. and it appears that one
of your poorer countries,Copy !req
361. Mexico, has built
32 new hospitalsCopy !req
362. and seven water parks
in last four days...Copy !req
363. Oh.Copy !req
364. Yeah, Mexico, you know—Copy !req
365. oh, oh, yeah, all us
other countries chipped inCopy !req
366. and gave Mexico some aid.Copy !req
367. Yeah, they really
needed... new water parks.Copy !req
368. Uh-huh.Copy !req
369. Have a good day.Copy !req
370. Hey— hey, Mexico!Copy !req
371. We said no spending
the space cash yet!Copy !req
372. What the hell are
you doing?Copy !req
373. Will some country
that speaks SpanishCopy !req
374. yell at Mexico please?Copy !req
375. They're gonna ruin
everything!Copy !req
376. No, Japan!Copy !req
377. Will you listen to me
for five seconds?Copy !req
378. If you keep
building giant robots,Copy !req
379. the cops are gonna
ask questions!Copy !req
380. Well, then why can Engrand
build necrer power prant?Copy !req
381. Nobody can build anything!Copy !req
382. Yeah, well, it's not
even gonna matter,Copy !req
383. because Finland
is thinking about tellingCopy !req
384. the space cops the truth!Copy !req
385. Wha?
Finland!Copy !req
386. We believe the aliens
are going to find outCopy !req
387. sooner or later
what we did.Copy !req
388. It's best we come clean now.Copy !req
389. Will you just relax,
Finland?Copy !req
390. Nobody's gonna
find out anything.Copy !req
391. I'm sorry, but our nation
is resolved.Copy !req
392. We cannot live with
the guilt any more.Copy !req
393. Okay, okay, you're right,
you're right, Finland, okay.Copy !req
394. You're right.Copy !req
395. Can you just
let us other countriesCopy !req
396. talk for private
for a moment?Copy !req
397. Very well.Copy !req
398. All right, you guys, we gotta
get rid of Finland.Copy !req
399. Yup, we gotta
take out Finrand.Copy !req
400. They gonna squeal.Copy !req
401. Yeah, I think we
all agree, guys.Copy !req
402. Uh-huh.
Yup.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
403. Aw, damn it.Copy !req
404. Oh, hey, space officers.Copy !req
405. How can we
help you?Copy !req
406. Well, we're a little
puzzledCopy !req
407. over one of
your countries...Copy !req
408. uh, Finland?Copy !req
409. What— what about it?Copy !req
410. It appears to have been
destroyed.Copy !req
411. Whaaat?Copy !req
412. Oh, my God!
Not Finland!Copy !req
413. Oh no!
No!
Not FinlandCopy !req
414. Hey, guys,
Finland's dead.Copy !req
415. Oh, no!
No!
No!Copy !req
416. No, not a Finrand!Copy !req
417. All of Finland gone!Copy !req
418. Yeah, somebody better break
the news to Norway.Copy !req
419. They were really close.Copy !req
420. None of you knew anything
about Finland's destruction?Copy !req
421. No. I mean, odds are,
they nuked themselves.Copy !req
422. You know, suicide.Copy !req
423. We didn't say anything
about nukes.Copy !req
424. Or whatever they did,
I'm sayin'.Copy !req
425. ( Stan )
Excuse me!Copy !req
426. Excuse me!Copy !req
427. Everyone, I have an announcement
to make.Copy !req
428. I am giving back my
Pinewood Derby trophy.Copy !req
429. What?Copy !req
430. Stan!Copy !req
431. The truth is...
I don't deserve this trophy,Copy !req
432. because I cheated on my
Pinewood Derby car.Copy !req
433. I used something not
in the approved kit.Copy !req
434. Not in the approved kit?Copy !req
435. He cheated on
the Pinewood Derby?Copy !req
436. ( Stan )
This trophy isn't mine.Copy !req
437. And so I have to
give it back.Copy !req
438. Because if I'm
not honest now,Copy !req
439. then I'll have to keep this
lie going forever.Copy !req
440. And it will
just grow and grow.Copy !req
441. Well, Stan, we're proud of
you for coming clean.Copy !req
442. But it doesn't change
the fact that you cheated.Copy !req
443. Go to your room, son.Copy !req
444. Your son seems to have some
pretty inspirational words.Copy !req
445. You sure you Earthlings have
nothing else to tell us?Copy !req
446. Hey, uh, do we have anything
else to tell the space cops?Copy !req
447. Nnnnnope!Copy !req
448. No!
No changes!
No changes!Copy !req
449. No, tell 'em no.
No changes.Copy !req
450. Yeah, no, we've told you
everything, space officers.Copy !req
451. All right, that's it then.Copy !req
452. Come on out, sir,
it appears to be over!Copy !req
453. Oh, shit, it's
Baby Fark McGee-Zax!Copy !req
454. My real name is Kevirn Xaxor.Copy !req
455. I am the Ambassador
to New Planet Testing.Copy !req
456. What the hell are they
talking about?Copy !req
457. These are not space cops.Copy !req
458. There is
no space jail,Copy !req
459. and space cash is only worthCopy !req
460. what you as a planet
decided it was worth.Copy !req
461. I mean, how stupid is
your species?Copy !req
462. Space jail?Copy !req
463. Baby Fark McGee-zax?Copy !req
464. It was a trick?Copy !req
465. Whenever a civilization
discovers warp speed,Copy !req
466. we want to bring them into
the Federation of Planets.Copy !req
467. But first we do
the space-cash test,Copy !req
468. to see if that species
is worthy of joining.Copy !req
469. Needless to say,
you all failed.Copy !req
470. People of Earth,Copy !req
471. since you did not
return the space cash.Copy !req
472. Your species and your planet
is hereby foreverCopy !req
473. blocked off and barred
from the rest of the Universe.Copy !req
474. Good-bye.Copy !req
475. No, hey,
wait, wait, no!Copy !req
476. Well, that sucks!Copy !req
477. Captioning made possible by
COMEDY CENTRALCopy !req
478. Captioned by
Soundwriters™Copy !req