1. Captioning made possible by
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2. The city isn't
what it used to be.
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3. It all happened
so fast.
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4. Everything went to crap.
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5. It's like...
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6. everyone's sense of morals
just disappeared.
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7. The bad economy
made things worse.
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8. The jobs started drying up.
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9. Then the stores
had to shut down.
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10. Then a black man was
elected President.
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11. He was supposed
to change things.
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12. He didn't.
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13. As more and more people
turn to crime and violence,
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14. the town becomes
gripped in fear.
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15. Dark times.
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16. This city
needs protection.
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17. There is an animal
that lives by night,
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18. searches through trash cans
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19. and cleans out
the garbage.
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20. To clean
the trash can of society
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21. I've chosen to become
more than a man.
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22. I am the hero
this town needs.
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23. I am...
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24. The Coon.
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25. As the world plummets
into despair,
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26. The Coon fights
to keep order intact.
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27. Lisa, I had a really
great time tonight.
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28. I did too, Josh.
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29. Would you mind very much
if I kissed you?
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30. Not at all.
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31. A woman being raped.
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32. This is what our
city has been reduced to.
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33. When the money goes,
the raping starts.
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34. Women are helpless
without the Coon.
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35. Oh, yes, Josh, yes!
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36. Let her go!
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37. Excuse me?
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38. You aren't raping
anyone tonight!
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39. Oh, it's a talking
squirrel.
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40. Raghghgh!
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41. Ahggh!
Wahgghghh!
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42. Get out of here,
get to safety!
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43. Aghgh!
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44. Lisa, call me!
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45. Ahghggh, ow!
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46. Another woman
saved from rape.
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47. But how many more rapists
are out there?
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48. Aww, that really stings.
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49. Here's the file on that
Rodriguez case, Detective.
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50. All right, things are
pretty quiet out there, boys.
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51. Let's try to get caught up
on some paperwork.
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52. Murphey, I want you to...
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53. Don't let the
city's peacefulness
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54. fool you, Commissioner.
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55. It's too quiet.
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56. Oh, not this kid again.
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57. Hey, you get
outta here— out.
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58. There was another rapist
in the park tonight.
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59. It's no coincidence.
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60. It must be a rapist plot
and it stinks to the top.
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61. What?
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62. I think the Mayor
might be involved.
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63. It's my theory she has
a lesbian lover
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64. who's holding her leash.
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65. Jesus Christ, can we get
a lock on that window?
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66. Look, kid,
you need to stop...
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67. He's gone.
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68. No, I'm just
over here now.
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69. What do we know about the
Mayor's sexual preferences?
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70. All right, listen, you have
five seconds to leave
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71. or I'm gonna put you in
the jail and call your parents.
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72. Jail's full, sir.
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73. Whatever, then we'll
just put you in...
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74. Now I'm back over here.
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75. Just get out of here
before we...
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76. I'm right here now.
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77. All right, stop it!
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78. Yes, I have to go now.
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79. But in the meantime
I have something
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80. that might interest you.
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81. Make sure all your men get
a look at these, Detective.
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82. What's in here?
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83. Hey, guys,
good morning.
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84. You guys hear that
another rape victim
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85. got saved by a superhero
last night?
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86. They say it
was The Coon.
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87. Who's The Coon?
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88. I know, right?
Who is The Coon?
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89. It's what everyone must
be asking themselves.
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90. Somebody is
dressing up at night
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91. and taking the law
into their own hands.
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92. As for me, I certainly
don't agree with
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93. The Coon's reckless ways.
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94. If you ask me, there's
no room in this world
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95. for vigilantes.
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96. I believe The Coon
is a menace.
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97. Yeah, and dressing up
and running around at night
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98. is faggy anyway.
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99. You're a fag, Kyle!
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100. Fuck you!
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101. Dude, what?
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102. He's not a fag!
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103. Why do you care?
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104. Oh, I, uh...
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105. Well, I'm just mad
'cause you shouldn't ever
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106. use the term"fag,"
Kyle.
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107. That's a hate word
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108. and it's insensitive
to butt pirates.
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109. Anyway, what do
you think about
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110. The Coon,
Stan and Kenny?
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111. Do you think he's the savior
this town needs
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112. or do you think he's
a dangerous vigilante?
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113. Kenny?
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114. And, of course, the most common
question asked is,
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115. "Just who is he?"
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116. Is he a hero
or a menace?
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117. While we can all admit
that The Coon
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118. is obviously really cool,
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119. we should also be
asking each other,
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120. "Why does he care so much for
the people of this town?
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121. "Why does he
sacrifice himself every night
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122. "to rid our streets
of crime?
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123. And does he
really have the right?"
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124. What we all need now—
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125. Clyde, Clyde,
could you wake up please?
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126. This is important.
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127. What we all need now is proof
that The Coon exists.
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128. I believe that tonight,
from approximately 5:00 to 5:45
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129. The Coon is going to be on
the roof of Walgreens.
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130. I know I'll be
there will my camera.
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131. I'm sure many of you
will too.
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132. Sometimes it seems
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133. the more criminals
I try to stop
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134. the more just
come out of the back alleys
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135. and dilapidated bars.
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136. The city is
a dying whore.
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137. She calls out to me
to save her
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138. and I don't
know if I can.
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139. But she is still my city
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140. and I cannot just
sit and watch
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141. as innocent
people are...
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142. Who the hell is that?
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143. Who the hell are you?
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144. I am an angel keeping
watch over the city at night.
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145. As violence and darkness
take over the streets,
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146. I work to rid
the streets of crime.
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147. I am the symbol
this town needs.
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148. Oh, no,
no, no, no, no.
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149. I am the symbol
this town needs.
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150. Dude, seriously,
you can't do that.
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151. Go home, I was doing
this first.
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152. Nu-uh.
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153. Yeah-huh!
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154. You heard of
The Coon
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155. and now you're
being a copycat!
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156. Is that your
name, Copycat?
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157. I am Mysterion.
Mysterion?
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158. That's fucking retarded.
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159. You just gave yourself
away, Craig.
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160. Only you would think
of a name that dumb.
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161. I might be Craig,
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162. and then again
I might not be.
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163. My identity must
remain a secret.
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164. You cannot know.
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165. Yeah, well, you can't know
my true identity either!
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166. I assume you must be Cartman,
because you're fat.
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167. Well, you're wrong!
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168. I'm not Eric Cartman
and he's not fat!
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169. Care to guess again?
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170. I really don't care
who you are.
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171. Oh, all right, Kyle.
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172. Yeah, took me real long
to figure it out.
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173. Only you, Kyle,
would be a buzzkill
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174. and try to steal
my thunder.
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175. You don't care about
stopping crime.
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176. You're just doing this
'cause you hate me, Kyle!
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177. Kyle hates Eric Cartman.
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178. Are you saying
you're Eric Cartman?
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179. NO, I'm—
I'm saying that—
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180. Goddamn it, Stan,
is that you?
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181. It is you, isn't?
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182. Clyde?
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183. Clyde, you're not
a superhero, I am!
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184. I cannot stand here and make
idle conversation any longer.
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185. The city needs my help.
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186. There are innocents
to protect.
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187. No!
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188. Dude, I'm seriously,
you're being a copycat!
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189. I'll sue you!
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190. Motherfucker!
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191. Which one of them
is it?
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192. Somebody is dressing up
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193. and pretending to be
a superhero, but who?
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194. Has to be one of the
guys in my class
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195. 'cause only
they knew The Coon
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196. would be on the rooftop
of Walgreens.
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197. No, stop.
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198. Can't think about that
right now.
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199. I have to focus.
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200. Tomorrow is the most important
day in The Coon's life.
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201. Everything The Coon
has lived and fought for
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202. comes down to tomorrow.
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203. Concentrate.
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204. How is it that nobody
came to Coonicon '09?
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205. This is just...
this is fucking ridiculous!
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206. Got everything
you need here, sir?
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207. Okay on beverages,
buffet items?
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208. Yes, it's fine.
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209. Great— hey, I just want to
say that the Airport Hilton
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210. really appreciates your
continued business.
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211. What do you mean,
"continued" ?
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212. You don't
know who I am.
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213. Aren't you that little boy
who had his Ginger Pride Rally
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214. and his AIDS benefit
here before?
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215. No, I'm not that kid!
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216. Oh, oh really?
My bad.
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217. I'm actually relieved.
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218. That kid was kind of
a douche bag.
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219. You're a fucking
douche bag!
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220. Get out of here!
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221. Ehh!
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222. Heh!
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223. Oh, hello, sweetie,
what did you do today?
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224. I got boned, that's what
I did, Mom!
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225. I try to do good stuff
and nobody even notices!
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226. Oh, what happened, hon?
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227. I can't tell you
what happened
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228. 'cause it's about my
super-secret double life!
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229. Tonight, an incredible story
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230. of an unknown child
in South Park
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231. who has taken to the streets
in an effort to fight crime.
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232. Wha-what?
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233. But who exactly is...
Mysterion?
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234. What?
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235. Curious crowds in the
town of South Park, Colorado.
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236. They've brought binoculars
and camera phones,
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237. trying to get a shot of
a mysterious superhero.
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238. He was dressed mostly in black
with a kind of cloak.
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239. He jumped down from
the fire-escape stairs
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240. and then he just ran off.
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241. We barely got
a look at him!
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242. To me it looked like
Mysterion to me.
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243. Everyone who seen
Mysterion say,"Yeah."
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244. Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
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245. Well, I think he's
kind of a symbol
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246. for the town, y'know?
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247. A symbol that everyone
who's sick of crime
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248. can rally behind.
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249. Fucking butthole.
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250. Well, if you ask me,
he's a menace.
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251. There's no room for
vigilantism in today's world.
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252. This artist rendition
of Mysterion
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253. has already
generated thousands of copies.
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254. You've gotta be
kidding me!
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255. As hundreds of people gather
to try and get a glimpse
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256. of the superhero,
one question remains:
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257. who is Mysterion?
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258. If you have any idea about
the true identity of Mysterion,
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259. please call the
9 news hotline.
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260. Rahghgh!
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261. I could no longer
sit by and watch
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262. as my city became
a cesspool of crime.
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263. I have lived in South Park
all my life.
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264. I decided it was up to
me to keep this town safe.
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265. Nobody at school knows
my double life.
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266. To them, I'm just
another 4th grader.
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267. But tonight
I am Mysterion.
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268. Ah, Mysterion,
thank God you've come.
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269. What news do you have?
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270. There's some
graffiti on the bridge again.
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271. I think those 6th-grade kids
are doing it.
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272. And the guy at
the movie theater
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273. is harassing Mexicans again.
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274. We'll get right on it,
Mysterion.
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275. Thank you.
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276. Thank you for
all your help.
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277. God speed, Mysterion!
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278. You are a beacon of hope
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279. in an otherwise bleak
and dreary world!
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280. Dude, seriously,
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281. I'm gonna kick the shit out
of you if you don't stop.
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282. The city needs my help.
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283. It cries for protection
and I will
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284. That's what
I'm supposed to say!
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285. I know it's you, Kyle,
just stop.
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286. I don't have
time for this.
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287. Fireworks are illegal in
Colorado, you asshole!
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288. Hey, he's got fireworks!
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289. So, guys...
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290. any of you do anything
interesting last night?
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291. Not really.
Really?
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292. Nobody was playing with
any fireworks?
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293. Dude, what the hell?
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294. A-ha, Kenny!
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295. I should have know!
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296. Why do you have a picture
of Mysterion
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297. in your locker, Kenny?
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298. Unless you are
Mysterion!
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299. Dude, I have a picture of
Mysterion in my locker too.
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300. Yeah, so do I.
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301. What, why?
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302. I don't know,
it's just a cool costume.
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303. It's not a cool costume!
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304. He just wears his underwear
over his butt-fucking pants!
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305. Now come on, which one of
you guys is it?
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306. How are you so sure
Mysterion is a boy?
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307. Fucking bitch.
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308. I had no choice.
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309. I was at the
end of my rope.
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310. Sometimes when
a superhero needs answers,
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311. he has to turn to the wretched
underbelly of society.
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312. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...
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313. Look what the cat
dragged in.
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314. Come out where
I can see you.
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315. What's the matter, Coon?
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316. Nervous?
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317. I didn't want to
resort to this,
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318. but he could have
the answers I need.
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319. How utterly delightful.
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320. The heroic
and mighty Coon...
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321. come to put a stop
to me again.
Copy !req
322. Chaos— I need to
keep on my toes.
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323. I'm not here to stop you
this time, Chaos.
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324. I need information.
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325. Oh, I'm sure you do.
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326. But you see
I— wugh...
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327. but you see I also know
you like to beat me up.
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328. I didn't call you
to fight, Chaos.
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329. I came to see if you
know Mysterion's identity.
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330. Oh, I'm close!
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331. And I'll put
an end to him
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332. and all of you
Goodie Two-Shoe heroes.
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333. I'm not on his side.
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334. Do you think
I'm a fool?
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335. All those times you've stopped
me from my acts of evil,
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336. all those times you
tricked me into meeting you
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337. and then gave— you
gave me titty-twisters.
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338. Not this time, Coon.
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339. I finally
learned my lesson.
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340. Now, General Disarray!
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341. Ahggh!
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342. Yeah!
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343. Oh-oh, careful,
General Disarray.
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344. Ahh, stop it,
you little butthole!
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345. Knock it off!
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346. Yeah!
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347. We beat him,
General Disarray!
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348. Listen to me!
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349. I want to help you
get rid of Mysterion!
Copy !req
350. Let him go,
General Disarray!
Copy !req
351. Why would you help us?
Copy !req
352. Because Mysterion
is trying to—
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353. Ugh!
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354. Little fucker,
that fucking hurt!
Copy !req
355. Because Mysterion
is trying to say
Copy !req
356. he's the hero
this town needs.
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357. But that's my job.
Copy !req
358. But you both fight
for justice and good.
Copy !req
359. Yeah, but he's
a fucking dick.
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360. I want him gone just
as much as you do.
Copy !req
361. Very well.
Copy !req
362. I will show you what we know
about Mysterion's identity.
Copy !req
363. But if this is
some kind of setup—
Copy !req
364. Look, I'm the good guy,
Chaos.
Copy !req
365. I don't betray people.
Copy !req
366. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
367. I didn't like having to
work with this scumbag,
Copy !req
368. but I knew Mysterion
was out there,
Copy !req
369. plotting his next move.
Copy !req
370. Hello, Kyle.
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371. Whoa, what the...
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372. Do not be afraid.
Copy !req
373. I mean you
no harm.
Copy !req
374. Hey, hey, you're that
Mysterion kid!
Copy !req
375. Yes, but now I believe
someone is trying
Copy !req
376. to learn my true identity.
Copy !req
377. Dude, everyone's trying to
figure out who you are!
Copy !req
378. I cannot be unmasked for then
I would stop being a symbol.
Copy !req
379. I need help.
Copy !req
380. Somebody who can do
background checks for me,
Copy !req
381. do some investigating.
Copy !req
382. Who, me?
Why?
Copy !req
383. Because I think you are
the smartest kid in class.
Copy !req
384. This way!
Copy !req
385. We will now show you our
secret Headquarters of Doom!
Copy !req
386. You guys have your own
storage facility?
Copy !req
387. Actually it belongs to
General Disarray's Grandma,
Copy !req
388. but she lets us use it.
Copy !req
389. This is where we come up
with all our evil plans!
Copy !req
390. Here's our computer relays.
Copy !req
391. And this is like
a a Cube of Chaos
Copy !req
392. that can destroy the world
in one second!
Copy !req
393. And here's some
of our evil minions!
Copy !req
394. We have everything
we need here!
Copy !req
395. Can I offer you a Coke
or a Sprite or something?
Copy !req
396. I'll take a Sprite.
Copy !req
397. Get The Coon a Sprite,
General Disarray.
Copy !req
398. As you can see,
we too have been working hard
Copy !req
399. on Mysterion's identity.
Copy !req
400. You have an entire wall
dedicated to Mysterion?
Copy !req
401. What about...
Copy !req
402. Do you still have that
Copy !req
403. "Who is the Coon" T-shirt
I gave you?
Copy !req
404. Oh, yeah, I think it's
around here somewhere.
Copy !req
405. Using our photos, we are
trying to pinpoint
Copy !req
406. Mysterion's identity.
Copy !req
407. Why is Cartman
crossed out?
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408. He could be Mysterion.
Copy !req
409. No, he's too fat.
Copy !req
410. Based on his body type,
it's gotta be someone like
Copy !req
411. Stan or Kyle.
Copy !req
412. Grrrr!
Copy !req
413. All right, all right,
all right, look, Chaos.
Copy !req
414. Just set up a video camera.
Copy !req
415. I know how we can put
an end to Mysterion
Copy !req
416. once and for all.
Copy !req
417. The clock is ticking
and the citizens of South Park
Copy !req
418. are gripped in fear.
Copy !req
419. Two days ago,
an evil unknown terrorist
Copy !req
420. threatened major consequences
Copy !req
421. if Mysterion does not
reveal his identity.
Copy !req
422. "Mark my words, South Park,
Copy !req
423. "your precious hero
is now your undoing!
Copy !req
424. "If Mysterion does not unmask
himself publicly
Copy !req
425. "by Wednesday night,
Copy !req
426. "I am going to blow up
a hospital."
Copy !req
427. Blow up a hospital?
Copy !req
428. I'm not gonna blow up
any hospital!
Copy !req
429. Are you nuts?
Copy !req
430. What?
Copy !req
431. "Uh, the choice is yours,
Mysterion.
Copy !req
432. "Unmask yourself
or hundreds will die.
Copy !req
433. Ha-ha-ha."
Copy !req
434. Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
435. Since the threat was issued
Copy !req
436. there has been
no sign of Mysterion.
Copy !req
437. Where is Mysterion?
Copy !req
438. Hey, Coon, we aren't
actually going to
Copy !req
439. blow up anything, are we?
Copy !req
440. If you don't make good
on your threats, Chaos,
Copy !req
441. then what good are
your threats?
Copy !req
442. But you really wanna
blow up a hospital?
Copy !req
443. I mean, aren't you
a good guy?
Copy !req
444. Sometimes blowing up
hospitals is for
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445. the greater good, Chaos.
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446. You know,
I've been thinking.
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447. If we're really
evil villains,
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448. then we should betray him
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449. and blow him up with
the hospital.
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450. Y'know, you're a little
scrotum licker, dude.
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451. Why don't you
shut the fuck up?
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452. All right, Chaos,
I'm gonna get the triggers
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453. for these things
at Ace Hardware.
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454. Keep an eye on this stuff.
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455. Oh, jeez, General Disarray.
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456. This is a lot more than
I ever really intended.
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457. I mean, I hate the world
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458. and all its puny
inhabitants and all that,
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459. but blowing up a hospital
just seems mean.
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460. Oh!
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461. Oh, hamburgers!
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462. Ahghgh!
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463. Hagh, Mysterion— Ibudduh,
I buddush-hebba-hebba...
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464. Why are you doing this?
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465. This isn't your
usual M-O, Chaos.
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466. Well, I-bubba—
I was just...
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467. and then The Coon showed up
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468. and he was-a is-a
abuduh abdudh...
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469. Ahghghggh!
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470. What is that?
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471. Look, Mysterion and
Professor Chaos are fighting!
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472. Give him hell,
Mysterion!
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473. Look out, Mysterion,
General Disarray is behind you!
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474. Ehh— ow!
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475. Jesus Christ, we need
back up out here!
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476. I think I can get
a shot at Chaos, sir!
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477. You think your bullets
can hurt him?
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478. Ugh...
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479. Yeah, we did it!
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480. He's dead.
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481. Mysterion is dead.
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482. No.
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483. The impossible
has happened.
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484. Mysterion... beloved
protector of the city...
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485. is dead.
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486. Who will save us now?
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487. Wait, look!
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488. He's all right!
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489. Oh, my God,
look, everyone!
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490. It's The Coon!
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491. Fear not, everyone!
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492. The Coon is here
to save the day!
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493. Isn't that Bruce Vilanch?
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494. Be careful,
Bruce Vilanch!
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495. There's superhumans
fighting right over there.
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496. Okay, sorry, sorry!
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497. Sorry, I give up!
Please, I give up!
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498. Don't worry, Mysterion,
The Coon will now help you!
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499. Whoa, wait, I thought we
were working together—
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500. Ahghg!
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501. Oh, jeez, I think
I broke a tooth!
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502. That was great
teamwork, Mysterion.
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503. South Park is safe...
until next time.
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504. What next time?
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505. Well, people are
obviously so desperate
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506. to learn your identity that
they'll do anything.
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507. Won't be long before
the next villain comes along
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508. and threatens violence unless
you take off your mask.
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509. Citizens, tonight has
shown me I have no choice
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510. but to unmask myself.
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511. Don't do it, Mysterion!
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512. If you show your
identity,
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513. we'll be forced to arrest
you for being a vigilante.
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514. Don't you think
he knows that?
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515. But superheroes
know that sometimes
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516. you have to sacrifice yourself
for the greater good!
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517. Don't show your
face, Mysterion!
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518. You have to be a symbol!
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519. So that the next terrorist
can threaten South Park
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520. if he doesn't
unmask himself?
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521. No, it's true.
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522. As long as my identity
is a mystery,
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523. this will just
happen again and again.
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524. It has to end.
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525. I will
show my face.
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526. Well, I'll be.
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527. I knew it was you!
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528. Remember, I even
said it before!
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529. Wow, a kid from my class
was Mysterion.
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530. Well, I'm sorry
but you're under arrest.
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531. Take the kid to jail.
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532. My entire plan
worked to perfection.
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533. My work here is done.
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534. With Mysterion
out of the way,
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535. The Coon can finally go back
to keeping the city safe.
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536. Once again,
I alone am the symbol
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537. this town can
stand behind.
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538. Every town
needs a hero.
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539. Every town needs...
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540. a Coon.
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541. Captioning made possible by
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542. Captioned by
Soundwriters™
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