1. Captioning made possible by
COMEDY CENTRAL
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2. ( Cartman )
The city isn't
what it used to be.
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3. It all happened
so fast.
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4. Everything went to crap.
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5. It's like...
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6. everyone's sense of morals
just disappeared.
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7. The bad economy
made things worse.
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8. The jobs started drying up.
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9. Then the stores
had to shut down.
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10. Then a black man was
elected President.
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11. He was supposed
to change things.
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12. He didn't.
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13. As more and more people
turn to crime and violence,
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14. the town becomes
gripped in fear.
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15. Dark times.
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16. This city
needs protection.
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17. There is an animal
that lives by night,
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18. searches through trash cans
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19. and cleans out
the garbage.
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20. To clean
the trash can of society
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21. I've chosen to become
more than a man.
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22. I am the hero
this town needs.
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23. I am...
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24. The Coon.
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25. As the world plummets
into despair,
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26. The Coon fights
to keep order intact.
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27. Lisa, I had a really
great time tonight.
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28. I did too, Josh.
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29. Would you mind very much
if I kissed you?
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30. Not at all.
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31. A woman being raped.
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32. This is what our
city has been reduced to.
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33. When the money goes,
the raping starts.
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34. Women are helpless
without the Coon.
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35. Oh, yes, Josh, yes!
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36. Let her go!
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37. Excuse me?
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38. You aren't raping
anyone tonight!
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39. Oh, it's a talking
squirrel.
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40. Raghghgh!
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41. Ahggh!
Wahgghghh!
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42. Get out of here,
get to safety!
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43. Aghgh!
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44. Lisa, call me!
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45. Ahghggh, ow!
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46. Another woman
saved from rape.
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47. But how many more rapists
are out there?
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48. Aww, that really stings.
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49. Here's the file on that
Rodriguez case, Detective.
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50. All right, things are
pretty quiet out there, boys.
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51. Let's try to get caught up
on some paperwork.
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52. Murphey, I want you to...
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53. Don't let the
city's peacefulness
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54. fool you, Commissioner.
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55. It's too quiet.
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56. Oh, not this kid again.
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57. Hey, you get
outta here— out.
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58. There was another rapist
in the park tonight.
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59. It's no coincidence.
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60. It must be a rapist plot
and it stinks to the top.
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61. What?
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62. I think the Mayor
might be involved.
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63. It's my theory she has
a lesbian lover
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64. who's holding her leash.
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65. Jesus Christ, can we get
a lock on that window?
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66. Look, kid,
you need to stop...
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67. He's gone.
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68. No, I'm just
over here now.
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69. What do we know about the
Mayor's sexual preferences?
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70. All right, listen, you have
five seconds to leave
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71. or I'm gonna put you in
the jail and call your parents.
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72. Jail's full, sir.
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73. Whatever, then we'll
just put you in...
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74. Now I'm back over here.
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75. Just get out of here
before we...
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76. I'm right here now.
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77. All right, stop it!
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78. Yes, I have to go now.
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79. But in the meantime
I have something
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80. that might interest you.
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81. Make sure all your men get
a look at these, Detective.
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82. What's in here?
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83. Hey, guys,
good morning.
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84. You guys hear that
another rape victim
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85. got saved by a superhero
last night?
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86. They say it
was The Coon.
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87. Who's The Coon?
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88. I know, right?
Who is The Coon?
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89. It's what everyone must
be asking themselves.
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90. Somebody is
dressing up at night
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91. and taking the law
into their own hands.
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92. As for me, I certainly
don't agree with
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93. The Coon's reckless ways.
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94. If you ask me, there's
no room in this world
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95. for vigilantes.
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96. I believe The Coon
is a menace.
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97. Yeah, and dressing up
and running around at night
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98. is faggy anyway.
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99. You're a fag, Kyle!
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100. Fuck you!
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101. Dude, what?
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102. He's not a fag!
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103. Why do you care?
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104. Oh, I, uh...
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105. Well, I'm just mad
'cause you shouldn't ever
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106. use the term"fag,"
Kyle.
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107. That's a hate word
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108. and it's insensitive
to butt pirates.
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109. Anyway, what do
you think about
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110. The Coon,
Stan and Kenny?
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111. Do you think he's the savior
this town needs
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112. or do you think he's
a dangerous vigilante?
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113. Kenny?
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114. ( Cartman )
And, of course, the most common
question asked is,
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115. "Just who is he?"
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116. Is he a hero
or a menace?
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117. While we can all admit
that The Coon
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118. is obviously really cool,
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119. we should also be
asking each other,
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120. "Why does he care so much for
the people of this town?
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121. "Why does he
sacrifice himself every night
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122. "to rid our streets
of crime?
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123. And does he
really have the right?"
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124. What we all need now—
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125. Clyde, Clyde,
could you wake up please?
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126. This is important.
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127. What we all need now is proof
that The Coon exists.
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128. I believe that tonight,
from approximately 5:00 to 5:45
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129. The Coon is going to be on
the roof of Walgreens.
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130. I know I'll be
there will my camera.
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131. I'm sure many of you
will too.
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132. Sometimes it seems
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133. the more criminals
I try to stop
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134. the more just
come out of the back alleys
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135. and dilapidated bars.
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136. The city is
a dying whore.
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137. She calls out to me
to save her
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138. and I don't
know if I can.
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139. But she is still my city
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140. and I cannot just
sit and watch
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141. as innocent
people are...
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142. Who the hell is that?
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143. Who the hell are you?
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144. I am an angel keeping
watch over the city at night.
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145. As violence and darkness
take over the streets,
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146. I work to rid
the streets of crime.
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147. I am the symbol
this town needs.
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148. Oh, no,
no, no, no, no.
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149. I am the symbol
this town needs.
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150. Dude, seriously,
you can't do that.
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151. Go home, I was doing
this first.
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152. Nu-uh.
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153. Yeah-huh!
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154. You heard of
The Coon
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155. and now you're
being a copycat!
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156. Is that your
name, Copycat?
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157. I am Mysterion.
Mysterion?
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158. That's fucking retarded.
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159. You just gave yourself
away, Craig.
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160. Only you would think
of a name that dumb.
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161. I might be Craig,
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162. and then again
I might not be.
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163. My identity must
remain a secret.
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164. You cannot know.
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165. Yeah, well, you can't know
my true identity either!
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166. I assume you must be Cartman,
because you're fat.
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167. Well, you're wrong!
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168. I'm not Eric Cartman
and he's not fat!
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169. Care to guess again?
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170. I really don't care
who you are.
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171. Oh, all right, Kyle.
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172. Yeah, took me real long
to figure it out.
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173. Only you, Kyle,
would be a buzzkill
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174. and try to steal
my thunder.
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175. You don't care about
stopping crime.
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176. You're just doing this
'cause you hate me, Kyle!
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177. Kyle hates Eric Cartman.
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178. Are you saying
you're Eric Cartman?
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179. NO, I'm—
I'm saying that—
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180. Goddamn it, Stan,
is that you?
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181. It is you, isn't?
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182. Clyde?
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183. Clyde, you're not
a superhero, I am!
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184. I cannot stand here and make
idle conversation any longer.
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185. The city needs my help.
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186. There are innocents
to protect.
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187. No!
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188. Dude, I'm seriously,
you're being a copycat!
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189. I'll sue you!
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190. Motherfucker!
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191. Which one of them
is it?
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192. Somebody is dressing up
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193. and pretending to be
a superhero, but who?
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194. Has to be one of the
guys in my class
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195. 'cause only
they knew The Coon
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196. would be on the rooftop
of Walgreens.
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197. No, stop.
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198. Can't think about that
right now.
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199. I have to focus.
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200. Tomorrow is the most important
day in The Coon's life.
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201. Everything The Coon
has lived and fought for
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202. comes down to tomorrow.
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203. Concentrate.
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204. How is it that nobody
came to Coonicon '09?
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205. This is just...
this is fucking ridiculous!
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206. Got everything
you need here, sir?
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207. Okay on beverages,
buffet items?
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208. Yes, it's fine.
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209. Great— hey, I just want to
say that the Airport Hilton
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210. really appreciates your
continued business.
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211. What do you mean,
"continued" ?
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212. You don't
know who I am.
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213. Aren't you that little boy
who had his Ginger Pride Rally
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214. and his AIDS benefit
here before?
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215. No, I'm not that kid!
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216. Oh, oh really?
My bad.
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217. I'm actually relieved.
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218. That kid was kind of
a douche bag.
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219. You're a fucking
douche bag!
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220. Get out of here!
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221. Ehh!
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222. Heh!
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223. Oh, hello, sweetie,
what did you do today?
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224. I got boned, that's what
I did, Mom!
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225. I try to do good stuff
and nobody even notices!
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226. Oh, what happened, hon?
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227. I can't tell you
what happened
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228. 'cause it's about my
super-secret double life!
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229. ( man on television )
Tonight, an incredible story
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230. of an unknown child
in South Park
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231. who has taken to the streets
in an effort to fight crime.
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232. Wha-what?
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233. But who exactly is...
Mysterion?
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234. What?
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235. Curious crowds in the
town of South Park, Colorado.
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236. They've brought binoculars
and camera phones,
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237. trying to get a shot of
a mysterious superhero.
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238. He was dressed mostly in black
with a kind of cloak.
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239. He jumped down from
the fire-escape stairs
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240. and then he just ran off.
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241. We barely got
a look at him!
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242. To me it looked like
Mysterion to me.
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243. Everyone who seen
Mysterion say,"Yeah."
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244. Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
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245. Well, I think he's
kind of a symbol
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246. for the town, y'know?
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247. A symbol that everyone
who's sick of crime
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248. can rally behind.
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249. Fucking butthole.
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250. Well, if you ask me,
he's a menace.
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251. There's no room for
vigilantism in today's world.
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252. ( reporter )
This artist rendition
of Mysterion
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253. has already
generated thousands of copies.
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254. You've gotta be
kidding me!
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255. As hundreds of people gather
to try and get a glimpse
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256. of the superhero,
one question remains:
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257. who is Mysterion?
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258. Who is Mysterion?
Who is he?
It could be
my child or yours!
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259. If you have any idea about
the true identity of Mysterion,
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260. please call the
9 news hotline.
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261. Rahghgh!
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262. ( Mysterion )
I could no longer
sit by and watch
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263. as my city became
a cesspool of crime.
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264. I have lived in South Park
all my life.
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265. I decided it was up to
me to keep this town safe.
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266. Nobody at school knows
my double life.
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267. To them, I'm just
another 4th grader.
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268. But tonight
I am Mysterion.
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269. Ah, Mysterion,
thank God you've come.
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270. What news do you have?
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271. There's some
graffiti on the bridge again.
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272. I think those 6th-grade kids
are doing it.
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273. And the guy at
the movie theater
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274. is harassing Mexicans again.
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275. We'll get right on it,
Mysterion.
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276. Thank you.
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277. Thank you for
all your help.
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278. God speed, Mysterion!
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279. ( Detective )
You are a beacon of hope
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280. in an otherwise bleak
and dreary world!
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281. Dude, seriously,
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282. I'm gonna kick the shit out
of you if you don't stop.
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283. The city needs my help.
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284. It cries for protection
and I will
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285. answer the call
to save her.
Answer the call
to save her!
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286. That's what
I'm supposed to say!
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287. I know it's you, Kyle,
just stop.
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288. I don't have
time for this.
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289. Fireworks are illegal in
Colorado, you asshole!
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290. Hey, he's got fireworks!
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291. So, guys...
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292. any of you do anything
interesting last night?
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293. Not really.
Really?
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294. Nobody was playing with
any fireworks?
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295. Dude, what the hell?
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296. A-ha, Kenny!
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297. I should have know!
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298. Why do you have a picture
of Mysterion
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299. in your locker, Kenny?
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300. Unless you are
Mysterion!
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301. Dude, I have a picture of
Mysterion in my locker too.
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302. Yeah, so do I.
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303. What, why?
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304. I don't know,
it's just a cool costume.
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305. It's not a cool costume!
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306. He just wears his underwear
over his butt-fucking pants!
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307. Now come on, which one of
you guys is it?
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308. How are you so sure
Mysterion is a boy?
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309. ( gasping )
Fucking bitch.
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310. ( Cartman )
I had no choice.
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311. I was at the
end of my rope.
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312. Sometimes when
a superhero needs answers,
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313. he has to turn to the wretched
underbelly of society.
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314. ( Butters )
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...
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315. Look what the cat
dragged in.
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316. Come out where
I can see you.
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317. What's the matter, Coon?
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318. Nervous?
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319. I didn't want to
resort to this,
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320. but he could have
the answers I need.
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321. How utterly delightful.
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322. The heroic
and mighty Coon...
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323. come to put a stop
to me again.
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324. Chaos— I need to
keep on my toes.
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325. I'm not here to stop you
this time, Chaos.
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326. I need information.
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327. Oh, I'm sure you do.
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328. But you see
I— wugh...
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329. but you see I also know
you like to beat me up.
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330. I didn't call you
to fight, Chaos.
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331. I came to see if you
know Mysterion's identity.
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332. Oh, I'm close!
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333. And I'll put
an end to him
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334. and all of you
Goodie Two-Shoe heroes.
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335. I'm not on his side.
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336. Do you think
I'm a fool?
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337. All those times you've stopped
me from my acts of evil,
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338. all those times you
tricked me into meeting you
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339. and then gave— you
gave me titty-twisters.
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340. Not this time, Coon.
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341. I finally
learned my lesson.
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342. Now, General Disarray!
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343. Ahggh!
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344. Yeah!
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345. Oh-oh, careful,
General Disarray.
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346. Ahh, stop it,
you little butthole!
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347. Knock it off!
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348. Yeah!
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349. We beat him,
General Disarray!
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350. Listen to me!
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351. I want to help you
get rid of Mysterion!
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352. Let him go,
General Disarray!
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353. Why would you help us?
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354. Because Mysterion
is trying to—
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355. Ugh!
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356. Little fucker,
that fucking hurt!
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357. Because Mysterion
is trying to say
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358. he's the hero
this town needs.
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359. But that's my job.
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360. But you both fight
for justice and good.
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361. Yeah, but he's
a fucking dick.
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362. I want him gone just
as much as you do.
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363. Very well.
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364. I will show you what we know
about Mysterion's identity.
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365. But if this is
some kind of setup—
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366. Look, I'm the good guy,
Chaos.
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367. I don't betray people.
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368. Oh, yeah.
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369. I didn't like having to
work with this scumbag,
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370. but I knew Mysterion
was out there,
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371. plotting his next move.
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372. Hello, Kyle.
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373. Whoa, what the...
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374. Do not be afraid.
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375. I mean you
no harm.
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376. Hey, hey, you're that
Mysterion kid!
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377. Yes, but now I believe
someone is trying
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378. to learn my true identity.
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379. Dude, everyone's trying to
figure out who you are!
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380. I cannot be unmasked for then
I would stop being a symbol.
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381. I need help.
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382. Somebody who can do
background checks for me,
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383. do some investigating.
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384. Who, me?
Why?
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385. Because I think you are
the smartest kid in class.
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386. This way!
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387. We will now show you our
secret Headquarters of Doom!
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388. You guys have your own
storage facility?
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389. Actually it belongs to
General Disarray's Grandma,
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390. but she lets us use it.
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391. This is where we come up
with all our evil plans!
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392. Here's our computer relays.
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393. And this is like
a a Cube of Chaos
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394. that can destroy the world
in one second!
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395. And here's some
of our evil minions!
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396. We have everything
we need here!
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397. Can I offer you a Coke
or a Sprite or something?
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398. I'll take a Sprite.
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399. Get The Coon a Sprite,
General Disarray.
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400. As you can see,
we too have been working hard
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401. on Mysterion's identity.
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402. You have an entire wall
dedicated to Mysterion?
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403. What about...
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404. Do you still have that
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405. "Who is the Coon" T-shirt
I gave you?
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406. Oh, yeah, I think it's
around here somewhere.
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407. Using our photos, we are
trying to pinpoint
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408. Mysterion's identity.
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409. Why is Cartman
crossed out?
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410. He could be Mysterion.
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411. No, he's too fat.
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412. Based on his body type,
it's gotta be someone like
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413. Stan or Kyle.
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414. Grrrr!
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415. All right, all right,
all right, look, Chaos.
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416. Just set up a video camera.
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417. I know how we can put
an end to Mysterion
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418. once and for all.
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419. The clock is ticking
and the citizens of South Park
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420. are gripped in fear.
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421. Two days ago,
an evil unknown terrorist
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422. threatened major consequences
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423. if Mysterion does not
reveal his identity.
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424. "Mark my words, South Park,
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425. "your precious hero
is now your undoing!
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426. "If Mysterion does not unmask
himself publicly
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427. "by Wednesday night,
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428. "I am going to blow up
a hospital."
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429. Blow up a hospital?
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430. I'm not gonna blow up
any hospital!
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431. Are you nuts?
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432. What?
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433. "Uh, the choice is yours,
Mysterion.
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434. "Unmask yourself
or hundreds will die.
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435. Ha-ha-ha."
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436. Jesus Christ!
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437. Since the threat was issued
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438. there has been
no sign of Mysterion.
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439. Where is Mysterion?
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440. Hey, Coon, we aren't
actually going to
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441. blow up anything, are we?
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442. If you don't make good
on your threats, Chaos,
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443. then what good are
your threats?
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444. But you really wanna
blow up a hospital?
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445. I mean, aren't you
a good guy?
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446. Sometimes blowing up
hospitals is for
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447. the greater good, Chaos.
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448. You know,
I've been thinking.
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449. If we're really
evil villains,
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450. then we should betray him
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451. and blow him up with
the hospital.
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452. Y'know, you're a little
scrotum licker, dude.
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453. Why don't you
shut the fuck up?
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454. All right, Chaos,
I'm gonna get the triggers
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455. for these things
at Ace Hardware.
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456. Keep an eye on this stuff.
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457. Oh, jeez, General Disarray.
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458. This is a lot more than
I ever really intended.
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459. I mean, I hate the world
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460. and all its puny
inhabitants and all that,
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461. but blowing up a hospital
just seems mean.
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462. ( gasping )
Oh!
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463. Oh, hamburgers!
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464. Ahghgh!
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465. Hagh, Mysterion— Ibudduh,
I buddush-hebba-hebba...
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466. Why are you doing this?
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467. This isn't your
usual M-O, Chaos.
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468. Well, I-bubba—
I was just...
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469. and then The Coon showed up
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470. and he was-a is-a
abuduh abdudh...
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471. ( Butters )
Ahghghggh!
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472. What is that?
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473. Look, Mysterion and
Professor Chaos are fighting!
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474. Give him hell,
Mysterion!
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475. Look out, Mysterion,
General Disarray is behind you!
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476. Ehh— ow!
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477. Jesus Christ, we need
back up out here!
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478. I think I can get
a shot at Chaos, sir!
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479. You think your bullets
can hurt him?
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480. Ugh...
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481. Yeah, we did it!
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482. He's dead.
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483. Mysterion is dead.
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484. No.
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485. The impossible
has happened.
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486. Mysterion... beloved
protector of the city...
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487. is dead.
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488. Who will save us now?
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489. Wait, look!
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490. He's all right!
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491. ( Cartman )
Oh, my God,
look, everyone!
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492. It's The Coon!
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493. Fear not, everyone!
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494. The Coon is here
to save the day!
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495. Isn't that Bruce Vilanch?
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496. Be careful,
Bruce Vilanch!
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497. There's superhumans
fighting right over there.
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498. Okay, sorry, sorry!
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499. Sorry, I give up!
Please, I give up!
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500. Don't worry, Mysterion,
The Coon will now help you!
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501. Whoa, wait, I thought we
were working together—
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502. Ahghg!
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503. Oh, jeez, I think
I broke a tooth!
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504. That was great
teamwork, Mysterion.
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505. South Park is safe...
until next time.
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506. What next time?
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507. Well, people are
obviously so desperate
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508. to learn your identity that
they'll do anything.
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509. Won't be long before
the next villain comes along
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510. and threatens violence unless
you take off your mask.
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511. Citizens, tonight has
shown me I have no choice
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512. but to unmask myself.
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513. Don't do it, Mysterion!
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514. If you show your
identity,
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515. we'll be forced to arrest
you for being a vigilante.
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516. Don't you think
he knows that?
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517. But superheroes
know that sometimes
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518. you have to sacrifice yourself
for the greater good!
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519. Don't show your
face, Mysterion!
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520. You have to be a symbol!
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521. So that the next terrorist
can threaten South Park
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522. if he doesn't
unmask himself?
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523. No, it's true.
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524. As long as my identity
is a mystery,
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525. this will just
happen again and again.
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526. It has to end.
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527. I will
show my face.
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528. Ohh...
Ohh...
Ohh...
Ohh...
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529. Well, I'll be.
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530. I knew it was you!
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531. Remember, I even
said it before!
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532. Wow, a kid from my class
was Mysterion.
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533. Well, I'm sorry
but you're under arrest.
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534. Take the kid to jail.
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535. ( Cartman )
My entire plan
worked to perfection.
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536. My work here is done.
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537. With Mysterion
out of the way,
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538. The Coon can finally go back
to keeping the city safe.
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539. Once again,
I alone am the symbol
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540. this town can
stand behind.
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541. Every town
needs a hero.
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542. Every town needs...
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543. a Coon.
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544. Captioning made possible by
COMEDY CENTRAL
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545. Captioned by
Soundwriters™
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