1. Captioning made possible by
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2. Would you
look at that?
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3. It's just incredible,
isn't it?
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4. I still
can't believe it
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5. even though it's right
there in front of me.
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6. Yeah, it's just so. ..
astounding.
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7. Well, believe it,
friends.
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8. The impossible
has happened .. .
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9. Kenny has a girlfriend.
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10. Yeah, a fifth-grade
girlfriend.
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11. This is serious.
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12. They've been going out
for almost two weeks now.
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13. So wh-who is she?
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14. Her name's Tammy Warner.
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15. She's the only
girl in school
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16. whose family is actually
poorer than Kenny's.
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17. It's really kind of
beautiful, if you ask me.
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18. You guys!
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19. You guys, I think
we have a big problem!
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20. What?
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21. Well, apparently Kenny
has a girlfriend!
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22. Yeah, dude,
Tammy Warner.
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23. She's a fifth-grader.
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24. Does Kenny like her?
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25. I guess so.
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26. She's like his first
real girlfriend ever.
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27. Oh, no, oh, jeez!
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28. Butters,
what's the problem?
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29. I just talked to
Brad Dixon.
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30. Tammy Warner is bad news.
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31. All the fifth graders
call her a slut
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32. on a count of she gave
this kid, Dave Darski, a BJ
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33. in the parking lot of
T.G.I. FRiDAY'S.
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34. What?
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35. It's true!
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36. Ask anybody in
fifth grade!
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37. Tammy Warner
is a total slut!
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38. That bitch!
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39. Kenny gave his
heart to her
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40. and she's just gonna
throw it in his face!
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41. Well, Kenny
deserves to know, fellas.
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42. If you guys found out
my girlfriend was
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43. a raging whore,
I'd want you to tell me.
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44. All right, come on, guys.
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45. Hey, Jimmy,
what's a BJ?
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46. Kenny!
Hey, Kenny!
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47. Oh, hey, guys.
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48. Listen, Kenny,
we need to talk about
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49. your new girlfriend.
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50. What about her?
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51. Oh, boy . . .
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52. Kenny, we know you really
like this girl, but—
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53. But what?
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54. Well, we've heard
that she's . . .
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55. Kenny. ..
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56. your girlfriend is
a notorious whore.
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57. She even gave
a kid named Dave Darski
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58. a BJ in the parking lot
of T.G.I. FRiDAY'S.
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59. Huh?
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60. Your girlfriend's
a slut, dude.
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61. Woo-hoooo!
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62. Woo-hoo-hooooo!
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63. He took it
pretty well.
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64. Hey, Tammy!
Hi, Ken!
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65. You decide what you
wanna do after school?
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66. Yeah, I was kind of
thinking
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67. we should go
to T.G.I. FRiDAY'S.
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68. T.G.I. FRiDAY'S?
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69. Yeah, could be
lots of fun.
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70. Yeah, okay, but. ..
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71. Kenny, listen. ..
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72. there's something I need
to talk to you about.
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73. There's a lot of
rumors going around about me
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74. that I agreed to give
a boy a BJ.
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75. Well. .. it's true.
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76. But it was before you
and I were together,
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77. and it wasn't my fault!
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78. See, I was watching
the Disney Channel
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79. and that show came on
with the Jonas Brothers—
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80. Jonas Brothers?
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81. You know that
teenage boy band?
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82. Every time I see them
I get so. .. tingly.
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83. I just
completely lose control.
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84. And then Dave Darski
showed up
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85. and took me
to T.G.I. FRiDAY'S
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86. and it just happened.
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87. But it was only for one second
and I had my eyes closed.
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88. I know it's terrible.
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89. Can you. ..
can you forgive me, Ken?
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90. There you are, young man,
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91. two tickets to the
Jonas Brothers concert!
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92. Thanks!
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93. The Jonas Brothers?
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94. Dude, Kenny, what the hell
is wrong with you?
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95. Aren't they those queermos
on the Disney channel?
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96. Yeah, Jonas Brothers,
dude, they get Tammy all hot
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97. and then she'll
give me a BJ.
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98. A BJ?
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99. You want Tammy
to give you a BJ?
Of course, dude!
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100. Kenny, you're
gonna let a girl
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101. put her mouth on
your wiener?
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102. Do you know how
disgusting that is?
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103. Girls' mouths are
full of germs.
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104. Yeah, dude, that's gross.
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105. It's okay, I'm gonna
have protection.
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106. What kind of
protection?
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107. Can I have a box of
condoms, please?
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108. Box of condoms.
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109. Certainly, little boy,
what kind would you like?
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110. Uh... I'll take those
over there.
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111. These here?
Well, certainly.
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112. Cool.
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113. Kenny, aren't you
a little young for this?
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114. No, I'm not young,
I want a BJ!
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115. Just because
you have condoms
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116. doesn't mean you're
safe, Kenny.
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117. Statistically speaking,
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118. the most bacteria-ridden
place on the planet
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119. is the mouth of
an American woman.
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120. And you're gonna let that
near your penis?
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121. Yup!
Woo-hoo!
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122. Kenny, you're the best
for bringing me here!
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123. Isn't this awesome?
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124. Wahghgghghghghg!
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125. My giney tickles!
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126. Oh, my God!
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127. It's that tingling
again!
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128. I love you!
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129. Oh, oh, Jesus Christ!
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130. You're so hot,
Kevin!
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131. I love you, Joe!
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132. Good night, Denver!
We love you all!
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133. We love you, Denver!
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134. Good night!
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135. Oh, my God,
I am so worked up!
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136. I just wanna attack
you, Kenny!
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137. All right!
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138. Come on, let's go out
to the parking lot!
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139. Woo-hoo!
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140. And you too,
little girl in the red!
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141. Huh?
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142. Band would like you
to come backstage.
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143. You too, little girl
with the puppy T-shirt.
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144. Ahh!
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145. They want me to
come backstage?
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146. Oh, my God!
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147. No, no, we're going
to your place now.
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148. It's a dream come true!
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149. Hey!
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150. All right,
right this way, girls.
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151. Yeah, come on in,
everyone.
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152. The band is
waiting for you.
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153. Uh, not you.
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154. No, fuck that, dude!
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155. I bought
the fucking tickets!
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156. Hey, what the fuck?
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157. The Jonas Brothers
will be right out, girls.
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158. Why do you think they
called us back here?
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159. They must-a wanna
have sex with us.
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160. What?
You think so?
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161. Sure, they're a band.
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162. They called us back here
so we can give 'em blow jobs.
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163. Well, I'm not doing it.
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164. Just 'cause they're rock stars
doesn't mean I'll do that.
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165. Yeah, I'm not giving
a blow job to anybody!
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166. Me neither!
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167. Hey there, girls!
Hey there, girls!
Hey there, girls!
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168. Hey, listen, we saw ya
out there in the audience.
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169. Yeah, you were getting
a little crazy out there.
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170. Let's just get to
the blow jobs.
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171. Blow-whats?
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172. I don't know.
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173. Look, we called
you back here
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174. because we want to share
our love of Christ with you.
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175. And see if you'll wear
purity rings from now on.
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176. Purity rings?
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177. We all wear purity rings.
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178. It means we are going to
be pure and not have sex
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179. until we're married.
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180. And it means we stay away
from bad stuff
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181. and avoid people who swear
or watch naughty TV shows.
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182. That's just how we roll.
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183. Yeah!
Yeah!
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184. So what do ya say, girls?
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185. You wanna be
kid hipsters like us
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186. and wear purity rings too?
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187. Okay.
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188. And be sure to give a ring to
all the kids you care about
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189. 'cause it's
the hip, new way to roll!
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190. Well, well, well,
here he comes.
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191. It's BJ Mckay
and his best friend, Bear.
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192. So how'd it go
last night?
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193. What's that?
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194. A purity ring.
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195. Purity ring?
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196. Yeah, it's a purity ring.
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197. What does that mean?
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198. It means I'm gonna
be pure
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199. and not have sex
until I get married.
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200. Dude, you?
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201. We thought you really
wanted to have a BJ
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202. before you
got too old—
I did!
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203. I was really excited
to get a BJ
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204. but now I have to wear this
motherfucking purity ring!
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205. All right, all right,
Kenny, calm down.
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206. You're too young to
be getting BJs anyway.
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207. It's good you and Tammy
are making a commitment
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208. to each other that
isn't based on sex.
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209. Yeah!
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210. It isn't fair, I was so
close to getting a blow job
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211. and I'll never
get one now!
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212. This is fucking bullshit.
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213. Fellas— hey, fellas!
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214. I heard that Kenny
is still going out
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215. with that slut
Tammy Warner!
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216. Yeah, but it's okay,
Butters.
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217. They have
purity rings now.
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218. What's that?
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219. They're rings that says
they're not gonna have sex
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220. or do anything naughty
anymore.
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221. Huh...
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222. A ring that says
you'll be together
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223. but not have sex.
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224. Isn't that called
a"wedding ring" ?
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225. Yeah, we found out that
once you wear purity rings,
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226. it's best to hang out with
other couples that do.
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227. Got more in common.
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228. Isn't that right,
Sara?
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229. You know what Carol
and I really enjoy
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230. is"Grey's Anatomy."
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231. We love"Grey's Anatomy,"
don't we, Carol?
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232. We adore"Grey's Anatomy,"
don't we, Nancy?
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233. Adore it.
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234. Kenny and Tammy, do you
watch"Grey's Anatomy" ?
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235. We look forward to it
all week long!
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236. Ha-ha-ha...
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237. Sure is! Most fun we've
had in weeks!
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238. Ha-ha-ha!
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239. And cut!
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240. Great video shoot,
guys!
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241. This is bull pucky!
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242. Yeah, we've had it,
gosh darn it!
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243. Uh-oh, looks like
we've got a problem.
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244. Our decision is final!
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245. We have decided,
as a band,
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246. not to wear
purity rings anymore!
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247. Yeah, you
tell 'em, Joe.
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248. Boys, I know you're tired,
but the purity rings
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249. are important to
the company's image.
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250. We don't care about
the company!
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251. And you're gonna say that
to the boss's face?
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252. We aren't
afraid of him.
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253. Well, I hope you're right,
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254. because the boss is
on his way here now.
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255. Oh, Jesus, he's here!
Boss is here!
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256. Let's be strong, guys!
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257. Hello, sir,
how was your trip?
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258. What's all this
I'm hearing
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259. about not wearing
the purity rings— ha-ha.
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260. Uh, we'll just
leave you alone.
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261. So I guess we have some
issues— ha-ha.
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262. We need to talk
about something.
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263. Oh, boy!
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264. I just love flying all
the way to Colorado
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265. to hear about
your problems— ha-ha.
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266. Look, we just want
our concerts
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267. to be about our music
and not about purity rings.
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268. Oh, gosh, fellas,
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269. let me explain this to
you one more time.
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270. You have to
wear the purity rings
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271. because that's how we can sell
sex to little girls— ha-ha.
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272. See, if we make
the posters with little girls
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273. reaching for your junk,
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274. then you have to
wear purity rings
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275. or else Disney Company
looks bad— ha-ha.
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276. But we don't wanna be selling
sex to little girls anymore.
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277. The rings stay on.
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278. Well... well, maybe we'll
just refuse to go onstage!
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279. Ooof!
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280. You don't fucking
talk to me
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281. like that— ha-ha—
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282. you little piece
of shit— ha-ha.
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283. Get the fuck up!
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284. Get the fuck up—
Ha-ha.
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285. Now, do we have
a problem— ha-ha.
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286. No, sir.
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287. No, Mr. Mouse.
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288. Oh, that's good
'cause I thought we had
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289. a problem for a minute
there— ha-ha.
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290. All right, now get out there
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291. and make me some
goddamned money— ha-ha.
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292. Yup, he's in here!
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293. Dude, what the hell
are you doing, Kenny?
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294. This is the day we were
supposed to throw
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295. cow turds at
cars together!
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296. We've had just
about enough, dude.
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297. You've been blowing us off
for two weeks now!
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298. What's up?
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299. Need to buy
more DVDs.
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300. "Grey's Anatomy" ?
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301. Kenny, what kind of douche-bag
garbage are you watching?
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302. Come on, Kenny,
this isn't you.
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303. We want you back,
dude.
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304. Kenny... Kenny?
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305. Kenny?
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306. You wanna look at
Playboys?
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307. Wanna get high
sniffing paint, Kenny?
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308. You want your"Grey's Anatomy"
back, Kenny?
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309. Oh,"Grey's Anatomy,"
cool!
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310. Oh, wow, this was
a great season!
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311. You guys, I think
this is serious!
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312. There's something
really wrong with him.
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313. It's that ring.
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314. Somehow,
putting on that ring
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315. has turned Kenny into
a boring turd.
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316. Oh, my God,
look at this!
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317. Motherfucker!
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318. What?
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319. "Jonas Brothers talk music,
Faith in God, and purity rings."
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320. These Disney douche bags are
the ones causing all this!
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321. Yeah, this all happened
the day after
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322. he went to
their concert!
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323. All right, come on, guys!
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324. We're not sitting back
and watching our friend die.
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325. Hold tight, buddy, we're
gonna find a cure for you.
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326. Cool...
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327. Live from 5 news studio
in Colorado,
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328. it's Good Mornin' Denver!
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329. We are joined this morning
by the Disney super group,
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330. The Jonas Brothers.
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331. Hello, boys!
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332. Hello.
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333. Now tell us what you're
doin' here in Denver, guys.
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334. Uh, we're gonna be
doing a live concert
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335. from Red Rocks tonight
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336. that will be live broadcast
on the Disney Channel.
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337. In 3D, don't forget
to mention in 3D!
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338. OH, and it's
gonna be in 3D.
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339. Now, guys, a lot
has been made
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340. about your purity rings.
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341. Can you tell us
about those?
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342. Well, um... we wear these to
symbolize how pure we are
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343. and how we...
don't approve of things
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344. that are naughty or filthy.
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345. Yeah, that's good,
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346. get a closeup
on their purity rings.
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347. Closeup on the purity
rings— ha-ha.
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348. That's wonderful, boys.
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349. It's good that little girls
can see a concert
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350. and not have
it be about sex.
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351. We understand that at
the concert tonight
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352. you'll be dousing girls in
the audience with white foam.
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353. Is that correct?
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354. Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-Huh.
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355. Well, can you give
our audience a peek?
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356. What do ya think, girls,
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357. You want
the Jonas Brothers
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358. to douse you with their
white foam?
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359. Oh, boy!
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360. This is TV gold—
ha-ha.
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361. Excuse us, excuse us.
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362. Hey, what do you
think you're doing?
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363. That's great stuff, boys!
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364. You like takin'
the Jonas Brothers' hot foam
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365. in your faces, girls?
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366. Hey!
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367. Hey, those Jonas Brothers
are assholes!
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368. Yeah, their purity rings turned
our friend into a douche!
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369. Huh?
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370. What the hell do you
think you're doing
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371. spreading
this crap to kids?
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372. Who the hell
are these guys?
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373. Are they from DreamWorks?
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374. Goddamn Eisner trying to hurt
this company again— ha-ha.
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375. This whole thing is
a freakin' sham!
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376. I see what
you're doing now!
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377. You're trying to sell sex
to young girls
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378. and then
confuse them by— agh.
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379. Agh!
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380. Cartman?
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381. You aren't ruining my plans
this time, DreamWorks— ha-ha.
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382. Dude, who the hell
did that?
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383. Ouf!
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384. Agh!
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385. 15 minutes!
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386. That's 15 minutes, people!
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387. Get another mic
on that drum kit!
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388. They almost ruined
everything— ha-ha.
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389. How did something
like this happen— ha-ha.
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390. Wake up, wake up,
you little prick— ha-ha.
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391. Who do you work for?
DreamWorks?
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392. Answer me— ha-ha!
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393. We don't work
for anybody.
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394. Oh, boy, I sure believe
that— ha-ha.
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395. You just tried to ruin
Disney company's big night
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396. for you own amusement,
huh— ha-ha.
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397. What the hell did
you do to us?
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398. Shut up!
Ha-ha!
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399. And now, Disney Channel presents
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400. The Jonas Brothers
3D Concert Spectacular!
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401. Live from Red Rocks Amphitheater
in Colorado!
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402. Truly a night of magic
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403. as we're set for the biggest
concert event of the year!
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404. In about 10 minutes
the Jonas Brothers
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405. are going to take the stage
in what Disney is calling,
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406. "The most pure and innocent
rock event of the millennia."
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407. Do we put the 3D glasses
on now, Dada?
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408. Not yet, Katie.
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409. Everyone around the country
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410. is tuning in to see Disney's
latest kid pop stars.
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411. Yeah, Jonas Brothers
at Red Rocks.
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412. We understand
the Jonas Brothers
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413. are getting ready.
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414. What's going on backstage
must be exciting!
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415. You better start
talking— ha-ha!
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416. You better start talking
right now— ha-ha!
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417. We told you, we aren't
working for another studio
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418. and there isn't a plan to
sabotage your big night!
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419. We came on our own
'cause our friend's
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420. purity ring is
killing him!
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421. You're lying!
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422. I'll cut you up—
ha, ha.
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423. You see?
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424. We were right about
the purity rings!
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425. A nice Christian symbol
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426. can't be used for
profit gains!
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427. We've all angered God!
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428. You think God is in
control here— ha, ha.
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429. I am in control!
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430. I've been
in control since the '50s
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431. in case you haven't
noticed— ha-ha.
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432. You three faggots
are going onstage
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433. and you three faggots
aren't gonna stop me!
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434. Nobody is ruining this
event— ha-ha!
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435. I have worked too
long and too hard to have
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436. anybody fuck this up!
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437. Where would you be without me,
Jonas Brothers— ha-ha!
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438. Your music sucks
and you know it— ha-ha!
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439. It's because you make little
girls' gineys tickle.
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440. And when little
girls' gineys tickle,
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441. I make money— ha-ha.
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442. And that's because
little girls
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443. are fucking stupid— ha-ha.
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444. And the purity rings
make it okay
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445. to do whatever
I want— ha-ha.
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446. Even the Christians are too
fucking stupid
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447. to figure out I'm selling
sex to their daughters!
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448. l've made billions off
of Christian ignorance
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449. for decades now— ha-ha.
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450. And do you
know why?
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451. Because Christians are
retarded— ha-ha.
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452. They believe in
a talking dead guy— ha-ha.
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453. Oh— ha-ha.
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454. Hello, folks!
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455. Boo!
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456. Now, now take it easy—
ha-ha!
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457. Here's the Jonas Brothers!
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458. Come on, guys.
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459. No stop!
Bring them back here!
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460. It's over, Mr. Mouse,
everyone's tuning out.
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461. No!
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462. No, goddamn it, no!
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463. Shut up!
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464. Rarhghghggh!
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465. That's it, girls.
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466. No more Disney TV
for a while.
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467. Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers
3D Television special
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468. has failed,
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469. costing the Disney company
millions,
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470. and once again, Mickey is
pissed off and throwing a fit.
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471. Vengeance is mine.
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472. You are all ants and I am
your destroyer— ha-ha.
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473. The Disney
"purity ring" venture
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474. will most likely now prove
a marketing bust
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475. as Mickey returns to
Valhalla to slumber and feed.
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476. Aw, Ken,
look what we've become.
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477. We're way too young
to be this boring.
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478. Okay, I'll put
in"Grey's Anatomy."
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479. No, I don't want to
watch"Grey's Anatomy," Ken.
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480. Let's take off these
rings, Ken.
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481. Take off the rings?
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482. We can take off
the rings?
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483. Really?
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484. Let's take 'em off
and just be kids again!
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485. There'll be plenty of time
to wear rings
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486. and be boring and lame
when we reach our late 30s
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487. and we're boring
and lame anyway.
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488. Yeah, screw these things!
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489. Oh, I feel better
already!
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490. Me too!
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491. What say you and me
go to T.G.I. FRiDAY'S?
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492. Woo-hoo!
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493. And so...
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494. as we commit this
young child to the earth,
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495. let us all be reminded
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496. that syphilis is still
a deadly disease
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497. and it can be caught
even if using protection.
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498. This young boy learned
the hard way...
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499. I told him.
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500. "Woman's mouth is
the most germ-ridden place
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501. on earth," I said.
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502. "Statistically the most
unsafe place
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503. for a man to put
his penis," I said.
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504. Well... now we know.
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505. And knowing is
half the battle.
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506. Captioning made possible by
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507. Captioned by
Soundwriters™o
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