1. Kids, everyone together.Copy !req
2. Welcome to Pioneer Village.Copy !req
3. This is are-creation of early Colorado days.Copy !req
4. I want you all to meet pioneer Paul.Copy !req
5. Hi, kids, welcome to my village.Copy !req
6. I settled here in 1864 with my maw and paw.Copy !req
7. Sure thing, I ain't never seen strange
clothes like you all are wearin' !Copy !req
8. And what's that fancy yellow
horse carriage you got out there?Copy !req
9. - Ugh.
- This is gonna suck.Copy !req
10. When y'all are ready,
just head up to the village.Copy !req
11. All the townsfolk are there
to answer your questions.Copy !req
12. And welcome to 1864.Copy !req
13. Sit 'em up!Copy !req
14. Thank you, pioneer Paul.Copy !req
15. All right, kids, this is a big placeCopy !req
16. so I want everyone to pick a
partner to hold hands with.Copy !req
17. Let's be partners, Kenny.Copy !req
18. No, I'm partners with Craig.Copy !req
19. Oh, okay.Copy !req
20. Stan, let's be partners, dude.Copy !req
21. No, I'm with Wendy.Copy !req
22. Ugh, you wanna hold hands with a girl?Copy !req
23. Gaywad.Copy !req
24. All right, let's be partners, Kyle.Copy !req
25. I hate you, remember?Copy !req
26. You wanna be partners, Jimmy?Copy !req
27. Jesus, what have I ever done to you?Copy !req
28. Craig? Token?Copy !req
29. Who... who else
needs a partner?Copy !req
30. Uh, who else needs a partner?Copy !req
31. Eric, partner with Butters.Copy !req
32. God damn it.Copy !req
33. Hold Butters' hand, Eric!Copy !req
34. That isn't necessary!Copy !req
35. Butters, you are not to
let go of Eric's handCopy !req
36. until you are both back on that bus!Copy !req
37. Do you understand?Copy !req
38. I understand.Copy !req
39. All right, let's head in.Copy !req
40. - You can let go now, Butters.
- No.Copy !req
41. Butters, come on.Copy !req
42. No!Copy !req
43. All right, kids, go ahead and visit
the charming villagers and learn stuff.Copy !req
44. Keep track of your partner.Copy !req
45. Why, howdy partners.Copy !req
46. I'm the town blacksmith.Copy !req
47. Are you folks settlers or are ya
just trappers passin' through?Copy !req
48. Uh, look, can we just drop
the role-playing thing?Copy !req
49. I would play along,
but my girlfriend's here,Copy !req
50. and I don't wanna look like
a total dork in front of her.Copy !req
51. Thanks, Stan.Copy !req
52. These folks sure are strange, Smithy.Copy !req
53. We ain't never seen them kind of
fancy hats in our time, have we?Copy !req
54. That guy's wearing a digital watch.Copy !req
55. Oh, jeez...Copy !req
56. Damn it, Chad.Copy !req
57. Sorry, I'm sorry.Copy !req
58. Well, howdy partners, I'm the town gunsmith.Copy !req
59. You see, in our time, it's pretty violent.Copy !req
60. See them holes in the walls?Copy !req
61. That's so we can put rifles through
to protect us from injuns.Copy !req
62. I wanna shoot an Indian!Copy !req
63. Now, some of you might
wanna meet AbigailCopy !req
64. at the candle-makin' houseCopy !req
65. or you can head over to the general store.Copy !req
66. You see any injuns?Copy !req
67. Nah, it's just the city and a—Copy !req
68. Oh, my Jesus Christ, monkey balls.Copy !req
69. Super Phun Thyme.Copy !req
70. Dude, check it out!Copy !req
71. We're only two blocks
from a Super Phun Thyme!Copy !req
72. They got video games
and rides and everything!Copy !req
73. Oh, that's cool.Copy !req
74. Well come on, Eric, we need to
catch up with everyone.Copy !req
75. Dude, screw this place.Copy !req
76. We gotta go to Super Phun Thyme!Copy !req
77. Oh, no, I'm not sneaking out!Copy !req
78. I'll get in trouble!Copy !req
79. Fine, then let go of my hand.Copy !req
80. Teacher said I can't let go
'til we're back on the bus!Copy !req
81. Well, which is it gonna be, Butters?Copy !req
82. Are you gonna ditch out with meCopy !req
83. or are you gonna disobey
the teacher's stupid rule?Copy !req
84. I'm not letting go!Copy !req
85. Fine, then you're coming with me.Copy !req
86. No, Eric!Copy !req
87. Butters, let go, God damn it!Copy !req
88. No!Copy !req
89. Teacher, teacher!Copy !req
90. This here is our general store.Copy !req
91. It's where I buy all my supplies and sich.Copy !req
92. Howdy, partners, I own this har general store!Copy !req
93. Look, Stan, they had beefjerky back then.Copy !req
94. What do you mean "back then" ?Copy !req
95. Don't forget, it's 1864.Copy !req
96. Right, except for it really isn't.Copy !req
97. Sure it is, just look around you.Copy !req
98. what's that?Copy !req
99. Sounds like police sirens.Copy !req
100. What's a sireen?Copy !req
101. We ain't never heard-a no sireen in 1864.Copy !req
102. We lost 'em!
We lost 'em!Copy !req
103. Damn, pig cops!Copy !req
104. Close that gate!Copy !req
105. - What's going on?
- I don't know.Copy !req
106. Everyone, down on
the ground now!Copy !req
107. Whoa now,
I'm Sheriff Mclawdog.Copy !req
108. I settled here back in 1850—Copy !req
109. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
110. We gotta call the police!Copy !req
111. Where's your phone?Copy !req
112. A phone?Copy !req
113. Why, what's a phone?Copy !req
114. We ain't never heard of sich a thang.Copy !req
115. - What?
- Come on!Copy !req
116. This is serious!Copy !req
117. Store hand, you ever heard
of this fancy-smancy fone?Copy !req
118. Uh, no.Copy !req
119. We ain't got a phone in our time.Copy !req
120. Dude, they just shot a guy in the face.Copy !req
121. We gotta call the cops!Copy !req
122. If you mean the law,Copy !req
123. only law round here is
town sheriff, Mclawdog.Copy !req
124. You see, 1864 is a time of
growth and developmentCopy !req
125. in the old west—Copy !req
126. This is not the time for that!Copy !req
127. Oh, man, this is gonna be awesome!Copy !req
128. Butters, if you don't let go of my hand,Copy !req
129. everyone here is going to think we're gay.Copy !req
130. Well, that's your problem!Copy !req
131. All right, Butters, I've seriously had enough!Copy !req
132. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
133. One please.Copy !req
134. Make that two!Copy !req
135. Aww, aren't you two cute, holdin' hands.Copy !req
136. Are you special little buddies?Copy !req
137. - No!
- No!Copy !req
138. Dude, this place shreds!Copy !req
139. What should we do first?Copy !req
140. We should get back to Pioneer Village,Copy !req
141. that's what we should do!Copy !req
142. Butters, we're going to get backCopy !req
143. before anybody even
notices we were gone.Copy !req
144. Let's go hit the bumper cars!Copy !req
145. Over here, this looks like an office.Copy !req
146. Here!
Here's a phone!Copy !req
147. Why, what a straaaange contraption!Copy !req
148. I can't get a dial tone.Copy !req
149. What's the number to dial out?Copy !req
150. "Dial out" ?Copy !req
151. Partner, them are some
funny words you're usin'.Copy !req
152. Dude, do you understand
what's going on here!Copy !req
153. Maybe they're right, Brian.Copy !req
154. I mean, this is a special circumstance—Copy !req
155. Ha... I mean, this here
room sure is strange.Copy !req
156. We have nothing like these
fancy devices in our time.Copy !req
157. Yeah, I'll say.Copy !req
158. I got through—
hello, police?Copy !req
159. 9-1-1, what's your emergency?Copy !req
160. There's some terrorists or
bank robbers or somethingCopy !req
161. that've taken our class hostage.Copy !req
162. Taken hostage where?Copy !req
163. The old Pioneer Village off of Kipling.Copy !req
164. You mean that annoying place where
employees won't break character?Copy !req
165. Sister, you don't know the half of it.Copy !req
166. Check it out, dude, I'm a spaceman!Copy !req
167. Spaceman, yes!Copy !req
168. Yeah, get that guy!
Shoot that guy!Copy !req
169. Yeah, now over here!Copy !req
170. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oh, you got it! Nice!Copy !req
171. What are you oglin' at?Copy !req
172. - Oh, man, whoa!
- Whoa!Copy !req
173. Yeah, fire it up!Copy !req
174. Yeah, bumper cars!
Sweet!Copy !req
175. That's it, Eric.
We have to be getting back!Copy !req
176. Aww, just a few more things.Copy !req
177. No, if we don't leave right now,Copy !req
178. we're gonna miss the busCopy !req
179. and then they'll know we left!Copy !req
180. I guess you're right, Butters.Copy !req
181. All right, come on.Copy !req
182. Set up the satellite relay.Copy !req
183. Check for alternate routes out of the area.Copy !req
184. Unfortunately, your police departmentCopy !req
185. got wind of our robbery
and chased after us.Copy !req
186. That is unfortunate for you,Copy !req
187. because when I think it is clear to leaveCopy !req
188. we will now need to take hostages with usCopy !req
189. to insure our goods get to
their final destination.Copy !req
190. Please, if you must take anyone,
don't take me.Copy !req
191. These kids are worth more to you.Copy !req
192. How did they find us?Copy !req
193. Get the loot out of the car
and stash it in that building.Copy !req
194. All right, men, listen up.Copy !req
195. Looks like our thieves
tried to hide out here.Copy !req
196. They've got the employees
and some school kids held hostage.Copy !req
197. Tucker, Dillon, set up a perimeter.Copy !req
198. Everyone stay on your toes.Copy !req
199. These are professionals
we're dealing with here.Copy !req
200. What did they rob, sir?Copy !req
201. A Burger King.Copy !req
202. All right, good, is that all of it?Copy !req
203. No, don't forget we got these too.Copy !req
204. Excellent.Copy !req
205. Now, listen, everyone,
we're going to be all right.Copy !req
206. This is only a small hitch in our plan.Copy !req
207. I'd like to speak with the chief of police.Copy !req
208. "Who is this?"Copy !req
209. This is the man who is going to kill
an entire class of fourth-gradersCopy !req
210. if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.Copy !req
211. Why aren't the cops coming in?Copy !req
212. They must be negotiating.Copy !req
213. Them there bandits sure
look mighty strange.Copy !req
214. And them pistols is way bigger
than what's we gots!Copy !req
215. Will you shut up?Copy !req
216. Wait, you have guns here?Copy !req
217. Sure, sheriff got lots of rifles in his office.Copy !req
218. Well, why don't you go get them
and bring them back here.Copy !req
219. All righty, come on, store hand.Copy !req
220. Yepper!Copy !req
221. Oh, man, I can't wait to see
the look on Kyle's faceCopy !req
222. when we tell him we
had Super Phun ThymeCopy !req
223. while he was at the dumb Pioneer Village.Copy !req
224. We're not telling anybody!Copy !req
225. I don't want to get in trouble.Copy !req
226. And I didn't have
a Super Phun Thyme anyways!Copy !req
227. Butters, you gotta learn to chill.Copy !req
228. Life goes by pretty fast.Copy !req
229. If you don't stop and look
around once in whileCopy !req
230. and do whatever you want all the time,Copy !req
231. you could miss it.Copy !req
232. Yeah, well, I guess that's kinda true.Copy !req
233. Uh-oh.Copy !req
234. Crap, they called the cops on us.Copy !req
235. What?
They called the cops?Copy !req
236. They must have realized we left— damn.Copy !req
237. Oh, my god, the police are looking for us!Copy !req
238. Shh, shh, Butters!Copy !req
239. We're gonna get it now!Copy !req
240. Butters, Butters, calm down.
I know a way out this.Copy !req
241. You just got me busted forever.Copy !req
242. Butters, listen to me, listen.Copy !req
243. No.Copy !req
244. All we have to do is sneak back
inside without the cops seeing us.Copy !req
245. Then we can say we were inside all along.Copy !req
246. You said they wouldn't notice we were gone.Copy !req
247. You promised.Copy !req
248. If we sneak back inside,
we can say we never left, all right?Copy !req
249. All right, now let go of my hand.Copy !req
250. - No.
- Butters—Copy !req
251. You made me break one rule.Copy !req
252. I'm not breaking the other!Copy !req
253. It's all I have now.Copy !req
254. All right, come on.Copy !req
255. Keep the hostages from talking
and search for holdouts.Copy !req
256. Everyone check in at two-minute intervals.Copy !req
257. I hope you have good news, Orlich.Copy !req
258. The police have us completely
surrounded on all sides.Copy !req
259. There's no way we're getting out above
ground without being spotted.Copy !req
260. Above ground?Copy !req
261. Look, I found this at the rear of the park.Copy !req
262. It's an old mine shaft.Copy !req
263. But Pioneer Village was sued
when a kid died in it,Copy !req
264. so they closed it down and protected it
with a huge metal door with a coded lock.Copy !req
265. So if we can get into the shaft,Copy !req
266. we can tunnel our way
around the police.Copy !req
267. Excellent.Copy !req
268. One more thing, Franz.Copy !req
269. I want my share of the take now.Copy !req
270. What's the matter, Orlich,
lose your sense of trust?Copy !req
271. I was just thinking maybe
we get through that tunnel,Copy !req
272. then you take the loot to Berlin
and I never see you again.Copy !req
273. I want my cut.Copy !req
274. Very well.Copy !req
275. I'm going to ask you again.Copy !req
276. What is the door code to the tunnel?Copy !req
277. I told ya, mister,Copy !req
278. what would I know about a door code?Copy !req
279. I'm just a simple blacksmith.Copy !req
280. With my trusty forge,Copy !req
281. I makes all the metalworks
for the village— ugh!Copy !req
282. You are an employee here,Copy !req
283. that means you are required
to know the door codeCopy !req
284. for fire-code reasons,Copy !req
285. Mr. David Palmer of Colorado Springs.Copy !req
286. My name ain't Palmer, it's ol' Smithy.Copy !req
287. And we ain't never heard-a no fire code.Copy !req
288. Why, we gots to put fires out
ourselves when the— ugh!Copy !req
289. That's it.Copy !req
290. Tell me the code or you die.Copy !req
291. one, two...Copy !req
292. - I...
- Yes?Copy !req
293. I don't know nothin'
about no fancy door code.Copy !req
294. I'm just a simple blacksmith.Copy !req
295. Blah!Copy !req
296. These Pioneer Village workers
are really committed to their job.Copy !req
297. No, please, don't hurt me!Copy !req
298. Give us the code to that
door and we can leave!Copy !req
299. I never heard of something
called a door code.Copy !req
300. Please, can't you ask some other way?Copy !req
301. I don't have time for your stupid game!Copy !req
302. Tell me or you die right now!Copy !req
303. All right, all right!Copy !req
304. Look, it's just one of those
Jinkins home-security locks.Copy !req
305. You press the top button
and then enter one—Copy !req
306. Ahghgh!Copy !req
307. What he meant to say, kids,Copy !req
308. is that we ain't never
heard of no fancy door codeCopy !req
309. 'cause in our time, we gots
to rely on wood locks and sich.Copy !req
310. God damn it, you people
are fucking insane!Copy !req
311. I don't believe it.Copy !req
312. Domino, Volski, find out if there are any otherCopy !req
313. employees or students wandering about!Copy !req
314. Bring them here or shoot them!Copy !req
315. Oh, crap, we gotta hide.
Come on!Copy !req
316. Yeah, we gotta g-g-g-get
the hell outta here f-f-f-fa-fast.Copy !req
317. Sector bravo, no activity.Copy !req
318. Jeez, the cops are looking
for us everywhere.Copy !req
319. Don't worry, they're not gonna
find us 'til we're safely back inside.Copy !req
320. Look, see that traffic signal down there?Copy !req
321. If we can climb across that,Copy !req
322. we can jump to the tree branch
and then we're home free.Copy !req
323. That looks dangerous.Copy !req
324. Not getting busted always is, Butters.Copy !req
325. Come on.Copy !req
326. Ughgh... ughggh!Copy !req
327. Good, that's got it.Copy !req
328. Good, good!Copy !req
329. All right, let's head across.Copy !req
330. Go easy... good.Copy !req
331. Oh, gosh in heaven.Copy !req
332. It's all right, we got it no problem—Copy !req
333. - Wah!
- Whoa!Copy !req
334. - Save me!
- I'm gonna fall!Copy !req
335. Whahggh!Copy !req
336. Whagh!
Whagh!Copy !req
337. Oh, dude, lame.Copy !req
338. Frolich, check in.Copy !req
339. Have you found any other employees?Copy !req
340. We found somebody!Copy !req
341. We found this guy in the jail
of the sheriff's office.Copy !req
342. You let out
Murderin' Murphey!Copy !req
343. Y'all are gonna get it
for puttin' me in that thar jail!Copy !req
344. Stop it!Copy !req
345. Stop your bad historical acting right now!Copy !req
346. Tarnation!Copy !req
347. Why'd you let Murderin' Murphey go!Copy !req
348. He's a bad man!Copy !req
349. I am the fucking bad man!Copy !req
350. Do you get that?Copy !req
351. Knock it off and give me
the mine-shaft access code!Copy !req
352. Yer just gonna have to kill us, mister,Copy !req
353. 'cause you ain't making no sense t'all.Copy !req
354. I won't kill you if you don't tell me.Copy !req
355. I'll kill one of them!Copy !req
356. Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me!Copy !req
357. You want to see a child die?Copy !req
358. No, they don't want to see a child die!Copy !req
359. I am so disappointed in myself.Copy !req
360. Teacher gave me a responsibility.Copy !req
361. I was just supposed to
look after my partner and I blew it.Copy !req
362. Don't be too hard on yourself, Butters.Copy !req
363. You can't help being a douche bag.Copy !req
364. Wait, Butters, look!Copy !req
365. This is it, this is our chance!Copy !req
366. Swing over, Butters, go!Copy !req
367. Heh!Copy !req
368. Quick— are you ready?
We gotta jump!Copy !req
369. Let's do it!Copy !req
370. Ready? Go!Copy !req
371. - Heh!
- Hagh!Copy !req
372. What about you?Copy !req
373. Will you tell us the access codeCopy !req
374. or do you want to see this kid die?Copy !req
375. I'm sorry, I'm a woman,Copy !req
376. and women in our time
ain't allowed to knowCopy !req
377. the carrings on of the town propa!Copy !req
378. God damn it!Copy !req
379. Dude, they're gonna kill Kenny!Copy !req
380. I can't let them do it.Copy !req
381. I've got to make the ultimate sacrifice.Copy !req
382. Stan?Copy !req
383. Where are you going, Stan?Copy !req
384. Wendy, I have to do something.Copy !req
385. Please look away.Copy !req
386. All right, that does it.Copy !req
387. On the count of three, this child dies.Copy !req
388. One, two...Copy !req
389. Give them the fucking door code!Copy !req
390. Well, howdy thar, strangers!Copy !req
391. Sorry to interrupt ye,Copy !req
392. but I done come from Pagosa SpringsCopy !req
393. to buy me some wares n' sitch.Copy !req
394. Oh, welcome partner!Copy !req
395. - Howdy! Welcome!
- Howdy there!Copy !req
396. What-what are you doing?Copy !req
397. I heard y'all had some difficultyCopy !req
398. with a criminal gettsin' outta yer jail.Copy !req
399. That's right, Murderin' Murphey!Copy !req
400. He's crazy 'cause somebody killed his paw.Copy !req
401. They killed my paw!Copy !req
402. I reckon that maybe you
could make a jail doorCopy !req
403. that opened with numbers instead of keys.Copy !req
404. You know, like a biiiig safe.Copy !req
405. Yeah, I understand that.Copy !req
406. Finally, a feller that talks some sense!Copy !req
407. If'n y'all was to have such a giant safe,Copy !req
408. what would you villagers
want the number to beCopy !req
409. to unlock that thar jail door shuck 'em up?Copy !req
410. Oh, well, I reckon the easiest
number to rememberCopy !req
411. for any big safe door lock would be... 1864.Copy !req
412. Yup, 1864, 'cause that's the year it is.Copy !req
413. 1864.Copy !req
414. Orlich, we have the door code,
start packing up.Copy !req
415. We'll take the hostages with us.Copy !req
416. No, you got your door code, let us go!Copy !req
417. Copy that.Copy !req
418. What's the code?
Over.Copy !req
419. Sweet, there's still cops
looking for us in here.Copy !req
420. All right, follow my lead, Butters.Copy !req
421. Oh, man, hasn't this place
been fascinating, Butters?Copy !req
422. Yeah, it sure has.Copy !req
423. Oh, I just don't know
what I've liked better,Copy !req
424. the historical buildings and artifactsCopy !req
425. or the... or the...Copy !req
426. Or the witty anecdotes of the townspeople.Copy !req
427. Witty anecdotes, yes, that's
been— that's been awesome.Copy !req
428. Been a hoot, all right!Copy !req
429. Get your hands behind your head!Copy !req
430. What did we do?Copy !req
431. We've been here the whole time.Copy !req
432. Shut up, put your hands behind your head!Copy !req
433. Do it now!Copy !req
434. Let go of each other!Copy !req
435. Huh-uh.Copy !req
436. Do what I tell you!Copy !req
437. Our teacher said we have to hold
hands the whole time we're here!Copy !req
438. Let go or else I'll put
a bullet through your handsCopy !req
439. and make you let go!Copy !req
440. Butters.Copy !req
441. - Now!
- No!Copy !req
442. Agh!Copy !req
443. Jesus christ!Copy !req
444. Ahghgh!
Ahghgh!Copy !req
445. Go!
Go take care of it!Copy !req
446. I'll stay with the hostages!Copy !req
447. Hey, Murderin' Murphey,
you see that there feller?Copy !req
448. Yeah.Copy !req
449. He done killed yer pawr.Copy !req
450. What?Copy !req
451. I'll rip his head off!Copy !req
452. Ahghgh!Copy !req
453. We've got a chance!
Hostages are clear!Copy !req
454. They're comin' in!Copy !req
455. Ahahghg!Copy !req
456. Argh!Copy !req
457. Move, move, move!Copy !req
458. Hostages are secure at the park entrance!Copy !req
459. I gots you now, pioneer Paul!Copy !req
460. They should-a never
let you out a jail, Murderin' Murphey!Copy !req
461. Blargh!Copy !req
462. Freeze scumbag, it's all over!Copy !req
463. Murderin' Murphey's gonna kill pioneer Paul!Copy !req
464. Stop right now, it's over!Copy !req
465. Howdy, partners, it's 5:00.Copy !req
466. Pioneer Village is now closed for the day.Copy !req
467. Head back to your wagons
and have a safe trip home.Copy !req
468. - We made it!
- We made it!Copy !req
469. Oh, God, I can't wait to get out of this dress!Copy !req
470. - Yeah, woo-hoo!
- That was great!Copy !req
471. Uh, listen, if anyone still wants to know,Copy !req
472. the phone is in the administration building.Copy !req
473. You dial nine to get out.Copy !req
474. And there's actually a back exit
behind the horse troughs.Copy !req
475. Good night, everybody, thanks for comin' !Copy !req
476. We did it, guys!Copy !req
477. Let's go to T.G.I. Fridays and get
some jalapeño poppers!Copy !req
478. - Yeah, that'd be great!
- All right!Copy !req
479. - Oh, yeah, jalapeño poppers!
- Let's go!Copy !req
480. Stan, you were really brave in there,Copy !req
481. but you did kinda sound like a big dork.Copy !req
482. I know.Copy !req
483. Come on, you!Copy !req
484. You're hurting my arm!Copy !req
485. Too bad!Copy !req
486. You'll be going away for a long time.Copy !req
487. Was it worth it?Copy !req
488. In a way, it was.Copy !req
489. I might not have gotten away,Copy !req
490. but at least I learned a lot
about pioneer life in the old west.Copy !req
491. Those early settlers didn't
have the modern conveniencesCopy !req
492. we all take for granted today.Copy !req
493. To think how difficult
it was back in those timesCopy !req
494. to do something as simple
as washing your clothes.Copy !req
495. Pioneer Village has a lot to teach us all.Copy !req
496. That's true.Copy !req
497. Hey, look.Copy !req
498. Teacher, my partner is back on the bus.Copy !req