1. It's like my whole life has just been
one big screw up, you know?Copy !req
2. I admit it, I was—
I was sexually lost, I—Copy !req
3. and then I see this person on Oprah.Copy !req
4. She's a woman,Copy !req
5. but then she got a sex change
and became a man,Copy !req
6. but then she got pregnant
and is having a babyCopy !req
7. which means she's still
a woman all along.Copy !req
8. That means I'm really still a man!Copy !req
9. I still feel like a man!Copy !req
10. Are we gonna get tested on this?Copy !req
11. This sex change was a big mistake.
Okay?Copy !req
12. I was on a lot of
pain killers at the time,Copy !req
13. and I thought it was what I wanted.Copy !req
14. Dude, you wanna do
some math problems?Copy !req
15. And then I go to the doctor, right,Copy !req
16. and I say, "doctor, I wanna
go back to being a man."Copy !req
17. And he says,
"Well, there's been too much damage.Copy !req
18. "You can't go back.Copy !req
19. Where are you gonna find a penis?"Copy !req
20. What do you mean,
"Where am I gonna find a penis?"Copy !req
21. I'm a man!Copy !req
22. I deserve a God damned penis!Copy !req
23. Agh!Copy !req
24. Ugh!Copy !req
25. Mr. Garr— Mr. Garrison?Copy !req
26. Could we speak with you, please?Copy !req
27. What do you want?
I'm trying to teach.Copy !req
28. Uh, we think it's best you not teachCopy !req
29. until you get your personal
life in order, m'kay?Copy !req
30. Oh, it's so easy for you, Mackey.Copy !req
31. You have a penis!Copy !req
32. Okay, students, uh, obviously we'veCopy !req
33. had a little emergency with your teacher,Copy !req
34. so while we deal with this,Copy !req
35. we need one of you to lead the classCopy !req
36. and review for tomorrow's quiz.Copy !req
37. Oh, me, me, me!Copy !req
38. Me, me, me!Copy !req
39. Me, right here, right here, right here!Copy !req
40. Uh, who else would
like to be teacher for the day?Copy !req
41. Anybody else?Copy !req
42. Ugh, hughghghh!
Principal Victoria, over here!Copy !req
43. Ungh!Copy !req
44. Any other volunteers perhaps?Copy !req
45. Hughghghh!
Principal Victoria, Principal...Copy !req
46. All right, all right, fine.
Eric, you lead the class.Copy !req
47. Yes!Copy !req
48. Now just lead a review overCopy !req
49. whatever Mr. Garrison's
been teaching youCopy !req
50. and I'll be back
to check on your shortly.Copy !req
51. Well, well, well... who's teacher now?Copy !req
52. Yeah, who's teacher?Copy !req
53. You're not the teacher, fat ass.Copy !req
54. That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle!Copy !req
55. And you will be wise
not to interrupt my classCopy !req
56. unless you want to be suspended!Copy !req
57. Yeah.Copy !req
58. Mmm, yeah, you like that?Copy !req
59. All right, Clyde, you're first.Copy !req
60. Get up here.Copy !req
61. Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde.Copy !req
62. And so it appearsCopy !req
63. that the local farmers' market
could be soon facing complete closure.Copy !req
64. In other news tonight,Copy !req
65. a South Park bio company is
coming under fireCopy !req
66. for genetically engineeringCopy !req
67. body parts onto laboratory mice.Copy !req
68. This picture of a mouse
genetically altered to grow a human earCopy !req
69. has already sparked waves of protest.Copy !req
70. What?Copy !req
71. But the scientists say the process
could help thousands of peopleCopy !req
72. who have become disfigured
and need ears or noses.Copy !req
73. Holy freakin' Jesus.Copy !req
74. Using common genetics
and cartilage scaffolding,Copy !req
75. we can graft almost any
body part onto a mouseCopy !req
76. and allow it to develop.Copy !req
77. Here's the mouse you saw
on television.Copy !req
78. Once the ear fully forms,
it can be transplanted onto a person.Copy !req
79. Doctor, what about a penis?Copy !req
80. Well, a penis is something a
man puts into a woman's vagina.Copy !req
81. No, no, if I gave you some of my DNA,Copy !req
82. could you grow a penis
on a mouse for me?Copy !req
83. You don't understand,Copy !req
84. doing this stuff is very expensive,Copy !req
85. and we've never tried a penis before—Copy !req
86. there's no guarantee it would work.Copy !req
87. I will give you all the money
I have to just try.Copy !req
88. Please!Copy !req
89. Doctor, I'm a man trapped in
a woman's body.Copy !req
90. I need a penis.Copy !req
91. All right, all right,
let's see what we can do.Copy !req
92. Eric, we've called you in
to commend youCopy !req
93. for your role as student teacher.Copy !req
94. Hey, don't commend me!Copy !req
95. It's the students fault
for being so stupid!Copy !req
96. "Commend" means you've done
a great job, Eric, m'kay?Copy !req
97. After leading your
class through review,Copy !req
98. your schoolmates scored higher than
they ever have on their tests.Copy !req
99. Whatever you did
really worked on them.Copy !req
100. Oh, well, thank you.Copy !req
101. I believe strict discipline
along with compassionCopy !req
102. for my students is
catamite to their learning.Copy !req
103. These gentlemen from
the Denver County school boardCopy !req
104. have something they want to ask you.Copy !req
105. Young man, word of your
success as a student teacherCopy !req
106. has started the whole board thinking.Copy !req
107. We would like you to try your methods
on one of our inner-city school classes.Copy !req
108. These kids just won't listen
to any adult teachers,Copy !req
109. and since you handled
your class so well...Copy !req
110. How'd you like to give it a shot?Copy !req
111. That sounds like a chance
to really make an impactCopy !req
112. on some students who need it most.Copy !req
113. How much will you pay me?Copy !req
114. 300 bucks!Copy !req
115. Did you hear what I said, you guys?Copy !req
116. My awesome teaching skills
is gonna earn me 300 bucks!Copy !req
117. You're not an awesome teacher.Copy !req
118. Whatever, the whole class scored
super high on the tests.Copy !req
119. The only reason we scored high
was because we took the answersCopy !req
120. out of Garrison's desk, and you know it!Copy !req
121. Yes, but whose idea was itCopy !req
122. to take the answers
out of Garrison's desk?Copy !req
123. Kenny's!Copy !req
124. - Yeah, that was my idea.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
125. But whatever, I'm gonna go teach
those underprivileged inner-city studentsCopy !req
126. and really turn their lives around.Copy !req
127. Do you know what
those kids are going to do to you?Copy !req
128. A little middle-class white boy
telling them what to do?Copy !req
129. They are going to
fucking murder you.Copy !req
130. Maybe he's right.Copy !req
131. I better be careful how I look.Copy !req
132. Students, quiet!Copy !req
133. Quiet please!Copy !req
134. Give me your attention!Copy !req
135. I'll give you my attention...Copy !req
136. All night long, Mrs. Miller.Copy !req
137. You're on thin ice, Rodriguez!Copy !req
138. Now listen up.Copy !req
139. The Denver County school board
has sent over a special guest teacher.Copy !req
140. Ooooohhhhh!Copy !req
141. This may be your last shot at
graduating from high school at all!Copy !req
142. I want you to welcome...
Eric Cartmanez.Copy !req
143. Hello, students.Copy !req
144. I am Eric Cartmanez,
your new teacher.Copy !req
145. What the hell is this?Copy !req
146. I am here...
To teach you calculus.Copy !req
147. I think you're going to be very pleased
with the progress, Ms. Garrison.Copy !req
148. Mr. Garrison!Copy !req
149. Sorry, Mr. Garrison.Copy !req
150. Your DNA has replicated and grafted
very successfully with the mouse.Copy !req
151. And so... here's your penis.Copy !req
152. Wow, my penis looks great!Copy !req
153. Yes, it's a fantastic penis.Copy !req
154. Congratulations.Copy !req
155. How long before it's ready?Copy !req
156. Well, it still has some forming to do,
but fairly soon.Copy !req
157. Let me see if it feels right in my hand.Copy !req
158. No, don't open the—Copy !req
159. - Oh, no!Copy !req
160. Don't let it get out of the lab!Copy !req
161. My penis!Copy !req
162. Stop, penis!
Come back here!Copy !req
163. Okay, everyone take a silly busCopy !req
164. and pass it to the amigo behind you.Copy !req
165. Hey, man, what the hell do
you think you're doing?Copy !req
166. Yeah!Copy !req
167. Mr. Cartmanez is here to make
sure you all get into college.Copy !req
168. Getting into college?Copy !req
169. Man, we ain't getting into no college!
Fuck you!Copy !req
170. How do I reeech these keeeds?Copy !req
171. The reason that you think
you can't get into college,Copy !req
172. is because you haven't been taughtCopy !req
173. how to cheat properly.Copy !req
174. How do you think
white people always get ahead?Copy !req
175. Because we cheat all the time—Copy !req
176. I mean because
they cheat all the time.Copy !req
177. This is Bill Beeelichick,Copy !req
178. coach of the New England Patriots.Copy !req
179. He's won three Super Bowls.Copy !req
180. How?
He cheated.Copy !req
181. He even got caught cheating
and nobody cared.Copy !req
182. Bill Beeelichick proved that
in America it's okay to cheat,Copy !req
183. as long as you cheat your way to the top.Copy !req
184. Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater.Copy !req
185. No, no, if you cheat
and fail, you're a cheater.Copy !req
186. If you cheat and succeed,
you're savvyyyy.Copy !req
187. This is bullshit!Copy !req
188. I don't want to waste
my time learning to cheat!Copy !req
189. Go ahead, the door's right there.Copy !req
190. Bye, bye, have fun,
we will miss you.Copy !req
191. How do I reeech these keeeds?Copy !req
192. Boys!Copy !req
193. Boys, have you seen my penis?Copy !req
194. What?Copy !req
195. My penis is on the loose!Copy !req
196. If you see it, just try to
catch it with some cheese!Copy !req
197. Ow, that hurt my brains.Copy !req
198. Owwwww.Copy !req
199. Nice form, compadre.Copy !req
200. Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher.Copy !req
201. Look, I don't wanna argue with youCopy !req
202. about the merits of cheating.Copy !req
203. Who wants to argue on
a nice day like theeees?Copy !req
204. How about a little pick-up game?Copy !req
205. Hey, petano!Copy !req
206. Can you keep score for us?Copy !req
207. Sure thing, Mr. C.Copy !req
208. Okay, you start on defense, amigo.Copy !req
209. Aghg!Copy !req
210. Oh, that's one to nothing, amigo.Copy !req
211. You cheated!Copy !req
212. What's the score, effe?Copy !req
213. Okay, let's go, your turn.Copy !req
214. Aahghg!Copy !req
215. That's two to noteeeng, amigo.Copy !req
216. Fuck you, man!
You can't do that!Copy !req
217. Look at the scoreboard, amigo.Copy !req
218. No matter how many
times you say I cheated,Copy !req
219. the scoreboard says two-nothing.Copy !req
220. I know what you're trying to say,Copy !req
221. but I still don't agree with it.Copy !req
222. Two to nothing, essa.Copy !req
223. Two to nothing.Copy !req
224. How do I reech these keeeds?Copy !req
225. What is that?Copy !req
226. Eeeeeeek!Copy !req
227. Eeeeek!Copy !req
228. Eeeeeeeeeek!
Eeeeeeeekk!Copy !req
229. Stephen, Stephen, come quick!Copy !req
230. What is it, dear?Copy !req
231. A penis is loose in our kitchen!Copy !req
232. A penis?Copy !req
233. Yes, it just ran across the floor!Copy !req
234. Now, darling, calm down.Copy !req
235. Calm down nothing!Copy !req
236. I don't want that penis running
through my house!Copy !req
237. Oh, women—
always afraid of penises.Copy !req
238. There, there you see it?Copy !req
239. Oh, it's just a little penis, darling.Copy !req
240. I don't care, it's probably
got all kinds of diseases.Copy !req
241. Hey, wait, I think that's teacher's penis!Copy !req
242. - Your teacher's penis?
- Yeah, that must be his.Copy !req
243. Butters,Copy !req
244. how do you know what your
teacher's penis looks like?Copy !req
245. Huh?Copy !req
246. Today we will discuss one of the
fundamental ways to cheat:Copy !req
247. getting material ahead of time.Copy !req
248. When Bill Beeelichick
cheated for the Patriots,Copy !req
249. what did he do?Copy !req
250. He videotaped the opposing
team's defense.Copy !req
251. Think of the defense as your test.Copy !req
252. When taking a test, you must also
"videotape the defense."Copy !req
253. Learn what's on the test before
they give it to you,Copy !req
254. and that way you can...Copy !req
255. I thought that...Copy !req
256. Well, maybe I could give cheating a try.Copy !req
257. Have a seat, amigo.Copy !req
258. Good to have you back.Copy !req
259. All right, now, when Bill Beeelichick
got caught with his camera,Copy !req
260. he did not panic.Copy !req
261. He simply said what every good
white cheater says when caught:Copy !req
262. "I misinterpreted the rules."Copy !req
263. It's what you must also
say when caught cheating.Copy !req
264. "I misinterpreted the rules."Copy !req
265. Say it with me.Copy !req
266. "I misinterpreted the rules."Copy !req
267. Good, again!Copy !req
268. "I misinterpreted the rules."Copy !req
269. Again!Copy !req
270. "I misinterpreted the rules."Copy !req
271. Now you sound like white people!Copy !req
272. I misinterpreted the rules!Copy !req
273. What the hell do you mean
you just put my penis outside?Copy !req
274. Why didn't you call me?Copy !req
275. Look, Garrison, my wife didn't
want a penis in the house.Copy !req
276. I had to get it out.Copy !req
277. Well, now how am I supposed to find it?Copy !req
278. It could be anywhere!Copy !req
279. Eeeeeeeeeeeek!Copy !req
280. Holy crap!Copy !req
281. Eeekkk!
Eeeekk!Copy !req
282. Carol, get down from there.Copy !req
283. No, didn't you see that penis just now?Copy !req
284. Eeeek!Copy !req
285. I'm sure that penis is way more
scared of you than you are of it.Copy !req
286. You saw a penis?Copy !req
287. Eeeeeeeeeeeeekk!Copy !req
288. Oh, it's so big and disgusting!Copy !req
289. Eeeek!Copy !req
290. Come back here, penis!Copy !req
291. There you are! Got you!Copy !req
292. Hey, you're not my penis!Copy !req
293. Ugh!Copy !req
294. There it goes!Copy !req
295. Stop, you!Copy !req
296. The answer to number 27 is five.Copy !req
297. The answer to number 27 is five.Copy !req
298. The answer to number 28 is 14.Copy !req
299. The answer to number 28 is 14.Copy !req
300. Man, what's the point?Copy !req
301. What's the point of any of this?Copy !req
302. All right, everyone review the sectionCopy !req
303. on sportscasters
forgiving the Patriots for cheatingCopy !req
304. and saying it was no big deal.Copy !req
305. I'll be right back.Copy !req
306. Malita, Malita, hold on!Copy !req
307. You can't quit now!Copy !req
308. Come on, what's wrong with you?Copy !req
309. There isn't any point to all this.Copy !req
310. I won't be going to college.Copy !req
311. I'm pregnant, all right?Copy !req
312. I just found out.Copy !req
313. And Eduardo isn't gonna help me raise it.Copy !req
314. How do I reech these keeeds?Copy !req
315. All right, let's go get you an abortion.Copy !req
316. No, I'm Catholic.Copy !req
317. I think abortion is wrong.Copy !req
318. Abortion isn't wrong.Copy !req
319. What's the one thing
I've been teaching you?Copy !req
320. That cheating is good.Copy !req
321. Yes!Copy !req
322. And abortion is the ultimate
form of cheating.Copy !req
323. You're cheating nature itself!Copy !req
324. Why do rich white girls
get ahead in life?Copy !req
325. Because they get
abortions when they're young.Copy !req
326. They get pregnant, but they
still want to go to collegeCopy !req
327. so, whatever, they just cheat.Copy !req
328. They cheat that little critter in their
belly right out of a chance at life.Copy !req
329. I don't know, Mr. C.Copy !req
330. Mexicans are told not to cheat.Copy !req
331. "Don't cheat.Copy !req
332. You get pregnant,
you have to raise the child."Copy !req
333. So then you have to raise the childCopy !req
334. while the white girls get to go to collegeCopy !req
335. and probably have a bunch more abortions.Copy !req
336. It is at our most challenging timesCopy !req
337. that we must cheat our very hardest.Copy !req
338. And the last time you saw
your penis was two days ago?Copy !req
339. That's right.Copy !req
340. Long whiskers or short?Copy !req
341. Short, and little fluffy ears.Copy !req
342. Fluffy ears, okay.Copy !req
343. Think you got it, Mitch?Copy !req
344. I think so, Sir.Copy !req
345. Is this pretty close?Copy !req
346. No, no!
Not like that!Copy !req
347. That's just silly.Copy !req
348. Sir, we might wanna get a unit down
to the Italian restaurant on Kentner.Copy !req
349. What is it?Copy !req
350. Call just came through.Copy !req
351. Seems a penis broke
in and tried to eat their cheese.Copy !req
352. Well, come on!Copy !req
353. Eeeek!Copy !req
354. What's the matter?Copy !req
355. A penis!Copy !req
356. A penis? Where?Copy !req
357. There it is! Eeeeeek!Copy !req
358. Eeeek! Eeek, a penis!Copy !req
359. Where is it?Copy !req
360. Look there!Copy !req
361. Come on!Copy !req
362. What's-a that-a penis
doing in-a my kitchen?Copy !req
363. Hey, don't you dare kill my penis!Copy !req
364. Crap— we gotta go back around!Copy !req
365. There it is!Copy !req
366. No, no!Copy !req
367. There's not a chance now.Copy !req
368. No, we can find it!Copy !req
369. Sorry, Garrison, your penis is gone.Copy !req
370. I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.Copy !req
371. You'll just have to live with being a woman.Copy !req
372. A very ugly one.Copy !req
373. Come on, men.Copy !req
374. Students, I want to congratulate youCopy !req
375. on your amazing test scores.Copy !req
376. The school board is
so impressed with your progressCopy !req
377. that they are going to let you takeCopy !req
378. the standardized
advanced-placement testCopy !req
379. for college credit!Copy !req
380. All right! Cool, man! Yeah!Copy !req
381. The test is going to be
heavily monitoredCopy !req
382. in a private room at their locationCopy !req
383. to assure that there
can be absolutely no cheating.Copy !req
384. Uh, what?Copy !req
385. The test will be tomorrow.Copy !req
386. Make us proud.Copy !req
387. Monitor us in a private room?Copy !req
388. Now they're gonna know we've
been cheating all along.Copy !req
389. I knew it, man!Copy !req
390. You made us believe in your way,Copy !req
391. and now it's all for nothing.Copy !req
392. It's not for nothing!Copy !req
393. If you're good enough,
you can cheat right in front of them.Copy !req
394. Shut up, man,
you royally screwed us all!Copy !req
395. How do I reeeeech these keeeeeds!Copy !req
396. Just before the last Super Bowl...Copy !req
397. Bill Beeelichick gathered his
football players and said,Copy !req
398. "Let's win this one for real.Copy !req
399. Just this one time... let's not cheat."Copy !req
400. You know what happened?Copy !req
401. They lost.Copy !req
402. Even if you feel all eyes are upon you,Copy !req
403. you cannot give up on cheating.Copy !req
404. Or else you can lose
the biggest game of your lives.Copy !req
405. Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys.Copy !req
406. You are the true dreamers.Copy !req
407. Tomorrow you will prove it.Copy !req
408. We will begin by reviewingCopy !req
409. how to print out cheat sheetsCopy !req
410. as labels for your bottled water.Copy !req
411. You did this to yourself, Garrison.Copy !req
412. Get your hopes up with
a stupid genetic experimentCopy !req
413. and now all your money's goneCopy !req
414. along with your penis.Copy !req
415. What the...Copy !req
416. Why... it's my penis.Copy !req
417. My penis came back.Copy !req
418. But why?Copy !req
419. I guess it's true.Copy !req
420. What's that old saying?Copy !req
421. If you love your penis, let it go.Copy !req
422. The standardized
advanced-placement testCopy !req
423. is considered one of
the most difficultCopy !req
424. and carefully monitored
tests in the country.Copy !req
425. 24 of our students took the testCopy !req
426. and all 24 scored 100% !Copy !req
427. Uh, can we say something?Copy !req
428. Sure.Copy !req
429. We would like to present this plaqueCopy !req
430. to the person who taught usCopy !req
431. "the white people method."Copy !req
432. Mr. Cartmanez.Copy !req
433. I reeeeched these keeeeeeeds.Copy !req
434. Students and faculty,Copy !req
435. please put your hands
together and help meCopy !req
436. in welcoming back Mr. Garrison.Copy !req
437. Thanks, everyone.Copy !req
438. It's great to be back.Copy !req
439. I'm a man again...Copy !req
440. Thanks to my very special new friend.Copy !req
441. But you know, I've learned thatCopy !req
442. I've really been a dude all along.Copy !req
443. Because the key differenceCopy !req
444. between men and womenCopy !req
445. is that women can have babies.Copy !req
446. If you can't have babies,
then you're a man.Copy !req
447. Whoa, uh, wait, hang on a second.Copy !req
448. My wife had ovarian cancer,Copy !req
449. so she can't have babies.Copy !req
450. Well, then get an
AIDS test, Thompson,Copy !req
451. 'cause your wife's a dude, faggot.Copy !req
452. Yeah, I'm back!Copy !req