South Park 12x2

Directed by Trey Parker

While trying to escape her troubles in the secluded mountains near South Park, Britney Spears has a run-in with the boys. Stan and Kyle get swept up in her celebrity as well as the non-stop feeding frenzy that plagues her wherever she goes. The boys must take Britney to the North Pole when they learn the secret behind what makes her so popular.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Live from Chicago, Illinois,

2. it's Decision 2008.

3. Good evening and welcome to the political debate between

4. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama.

5. First question.

6. How do you see yourself as different from your opponent?

7. How do you see...

8. Ugh, Dad, can we please not watch this?

9. This is important, Stanley.

10. You boys should care about this stuff.

11. Yeah, but we totally don't.

12. Well, you boys are gonna sit and watch this.

13. This is what really matters!

14. And so, Mr. Obama,

15. why don't you tell us your stance on military spending.

16. Well, my opinion is that—

17. We interrupt this debate for an emergency news bulletin.

18. It's Britney watch!

19. Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news!

20. - Ehh! - Oh, boy!

21. What's she done now?

22. Britney Spears has been spotted camping

23. in the Colorado mountains, and one report claims

24. that she has taken a piss in the forest.

25. Robert Pooner has more.

26. Ron, I'm standing in "South Mark," Colorado,

27. where Britney Spears has apparently been

28. trying to get away from it all.

29. Oh, dude, that's our town!

30. Mrs. Spears was spotted at a mountain campground

31. and you won't believe what she did, Ron.

32. The troubled diva took a piss right on a ladybug.

33. We've blurred out parts of the photo

34. so that it doesn't offend.

35. She's such a train wreck!

36. When the photo is enhanced, Ron,

37. you can see the poor little ladybug getting doused.

38. This must be very embarrassing for Britney

39. that this photo got out, Bob.

40. And she looks like she's gained weight.

41. That's right, Ron, she really chubbed up.

42. And if you zoom in on her face,

43. you can see that she's got some zits!

44. Aw, poor girl.

45. Hey, Sharon, Britney peed on a ladybug!

46. The photograph was taken by

47. Brian Willis of Bailey, Colorado,

48. who sold it to 31 news for $100,000.

49. $100,000!

50. That's enough to buy slaves!

51. Britney is said to be now hiding out

52. in a South Park motel.

53. And now back to the stupid democratic debates.

54. and spear chuckers.

55. Did you guys hear that?

56. $100,000 for a picture of Britney.

57. And she's at a hotel in our town!

58. It's gotta be the Komfort Inn.

59. That's the nicest hotel in South Park.

60. Cartman, go get your camera!

61. Sweet!

62. Ha-hang on, fellas.

63. Don't you think Britney's been through enough?

64. I mean, maybe it's finally time

65. for us all to just leave her alone.

66. Butters, don't be such a pussy.

67. Okay.

68. 100,000 for a picture of Britney peeing on a ladybug.

69. Imagine what a photo of her

70. crapping on a squirrel is worth!

71. This costume was supposed to be

72. for the easter musical, fellas,

73. not for tryin' to make an easy buck!

74. Oh, no!

75. Excuse us!

76. We're trying to get a picture of Britney Spears.

77. Join the club.

78. Yeah, all you amateur photographers

79. are making this tougher on the professionals!

80. We're professionals too, you fucking butthole!

81. Uh-uh, nobody goes upstairs.

82. We have special permission.

83. Yeah, don't you recognize us?

84. We're Britney Spears' kids.

85. You are?

86. Not me.

87. I'm a squirrel!

88. But now everybody thinks I hate ladybugs!

89. I didn't even know it was there!

90. I can't take it anymore!

91. I'm just so...

92. Excuse me, Mrs. Spears, but your kids are here

93. and they've brought you a squirrel.

94. My boys? Really?

95. Send them in!

96. It's okay, my kids are here!

97. I feel better now.

98. We did it, guys!

99. I told you that would work!

100. Yeah! All right! Yeah!

101. All right!

102. You mean, it was just a joke?

103. My kids ain't here?

104. All right, Butters, go get next her.

105. I ain't doin' it!

106. We tricked her and it wasn't nice!

107. Butters, do you want your share of the $100,000 or not?

108. You're never gonna leave me alone, are you?

109. It ain't right to take advantage of somebody,

110. no matter who they are!

111. All right, fine! We don't need you, Butters!

112. We'll just get a picture of her doing something else!

113. Lady, just flash us your crotch or something.

114. I've got a better idea.

115. You do?

116. Yeah.

117. No! No!

118. You killed her!

119. Hey, everything all right up— oh.

120. Paging Dr. Bender.

121. Paging Dr. Bender, please.

122. We should have just left her alone...

123. But we just had to push her.

124. How could we know she would...

125. Oh, we suck so hard.

126. She's... alive.

127. - Whew! - Oh, thank God.

128. But we almost lost her.

129. Why couldn't you boys just leave her alone?

130. Doctor, could we talk to her for a minute?

131. I don't want you making her upset.

132. We don't wanna upset her.

133. We just wanna tell her that we're sorry.

134. All right.

135. Ms. Spears, these boys wanted to say something.

136. Grggll...

137. - Oh, my God! - Oh, no!

138. The boys are just shocked at how good you look, Britney.

139. Right, boys?

140. Oh, yeah!

141. Yeah, it's not even noticeable.

142. Grgrhgrghl, ghrhgghglglgl.

143. Well, I'll let you boys have your say.

144. Gargghghg... Gahrhgghgh...

145. Ms. Spears, uh...

146. We're really sorry for making you

147. wanna kill yourself.

148. Oh, God, what have we done?

149. It's Britney watch!

150. Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news.

151. You won't believe what Britney's done now.

152. The troubled pop star has just been spotted

153. with a crazy no-top-part-of-my-head look!

154. This video was taken just hours ago

155. as Britney was wheeled into the hospital for some reason.

156. And if we zoom in on the footage—

157. right— right here,

158. you can also definitely see a boob-job scar.

159. No doubt now that she's had plastic surgery in the past.

160. Oh-ho-ho.

161. Oh, ouch, that's gotta be embarrassing!

162. Chris, any word on why Ms. Spears

163. went for this radical no-top-of-the-head look?

164. No word yet, tom, but it could be over the embarrassment

165. of the boob-job-scar video

166. we showed just— just now.

167. Uh, even though the timing doesn't quite work out.

168. Dude!

169. Just a second of your time, Ms. Spears! Over here!

170. Damn it! She can't handle any stress right now!

171. Excuse me, I'm Britney Spears' manager.

172. Oh, jeez, Britney!

173. Britney, what were you thinking?

174. First you shave your head and now this!

175. Garghgh.

176. Well, it's a ballsy new look, I'll give you that.

177. Brit, over here, Brit, one for Star Weekly?

178. Gahrhggh garhhggh!

179. Damn it, you have to take her out of here!

180. She can't be around all this right now.

181. Right, we need to take her home.

182. Boys, can you give me a hand with her?

183. Yeah, of course.

184. Okay, come on.

185. My car's right here.

186. Hey, look!

187. There she is!

188. Britney, why aren't you wearing any shoes?

189. Why no shoes, Britney?

190. Jesus Christ!

191. Yeah, yeah, it's like this all the time.

192. Thank you.

193. Yes, thanks.

194. Britney, over here... Britney...

195. Look, uh, we feel really bad

196. and we wanna help Britney however we can.

197. That's great, boys.

198. Britney seems to have really taken a liking to you.

199. And don't worry,

200. Britney is a queen at reinventing herself.

201. We just need to get her into the

202. recording studio right away!

203. What?

204. All right, Britney, let's take it from the top.

205. Remember to bring that sexiness to it.

206. Excuse me, is this really what you think

207. she should be doing right now?

208. All right, Brit, let's try it from the top.

209. God, what a train wreck.

210. She must be stoned again.

211. Would you put a stop to this, please?

212. This is only gonna make things worse.

213. What do you mean? She sounds great!

214. Uh, Britney, that last lyric

215. is supposed to be "love elation."

216. Sounds more like you're saying "love creation."

217. Grlglgl.

218. "Elation"...

219. really annunciate the "L".

220. Graggglgl glrlglggl...

221. God, she's so stupid!

222. What do you expect? Look at her!

223. She doesn't have most of her brain!

224. I know, she's really dumb, huh?

225. No, I mean she literally

226. doesn't have most of her brain!

227. Her head is gone!

228. Yeah, and she's all fat too.

229. Live from Las Vegas,

230. it's the MTV Video Music Awards.

231. What's up, y'all?

232. It's the MTV Awards and we are kickin' it off right!

233. Here to perform her new song is the one and only

234. Britney Spears!

235. Oh, come on now, people!

236. Oh, my God!

237. She's really gotten chubby!

238. Oh, man, she's totally lip-synching.

239. She doesn't have any lips!

240. Disaster at the MTV Awards.

241. People are ridiculing Britney Spears.

242. Her performance was awful, Tom.

243. She looked tired, she looked fat,

244. she didn't have a head.

245. It was just completely phoned in.

246. No doubt, Tom, that girl has major issues.

247. Don't listen to 'em, Brit.

248. They're all just jealous.

249. And we can put you on Slim-Fast tomorrow.

250. - Britney! - Were you on drugs, Britney?

251. She'll be out in a minute!

252. Grlglgl...

253. We have to get her away from all this, dude.

254. People just aren't going to let up.

255. We have to take her somewhere to just be at peace.

256. Dude, where in the world can Britney Spears go

257. where nobody will bother her?

258. I know where.

259. We want three tickets to the North Pole.

260. The North Pole?

261. Who the hell goes to the North Pole?

262. We do!

263. Me, my friend, and his aunt.

264. Gargl.

265. It's Britney watch!

266. A distraught Britney Spears

267. has apparently disappeared

268. and abandoned all those close to her!

269. A local housewife caught a photo of Britney

270. running away in this disguise!

271. Britney is obviously very upset

272. about her MTV performance, Ron,

273. and so she's become desperate.

274. Most troubling for her is the fact

275. that her disguise has total camel toe!

276. - Oh, ouch! - Oh, boy.

277. Now, Leslie, this seems like a really bad camel-toe offense.

278. Absolutely major camel toe, Traci.

279. Britney just seems oblivious.

280. She was bound to get noticed.

281. You walk around with that kind of cam-toe

282. and you're gonna turn heads.

283. David, any idea as to how big

284. the camel toe actually was?

285. She was sportin' toe like never before, Brian.

286. I don't know what's wrong with that girl,

287. but it's a slap in the face to camels all over the planet.

288. Those close to Britney say they are very worried

289. and want to bring her home safe.

290. And now back to the local news.

291. The giant squirrel, which was picked up last week

292. by animal control

293. apparently now thinks it's a person.

294. Colorado officials have taken the squirrel

295. to Johns Hopkins for psychiatric evaluation.

296. That squirrel is obviously nuts.

297. Platform 4-f—

298. it must be on the other side of the station.

299. There she is!

300. It's Britney!

301. - Britney, over here! - Oh, no.

302. Are you embarrassed about the camel toe?

303. Dude, they're never gonna let us through!

304. Yes, they are.

305. I have an idea.

306. Britney?

307. Where'd she go?

308. There she is!

309. - Britney, over here! - Over here, Ms. Spears!

310. - Britney! - Over here, Britney!

311. It's okay, you'll be in the North Pole soon.

312. Garglglg...

313. There she is!

314. Hey, Britney, it's me!

315. - Britney, Britney! - Come back, Britney!

316. Britney... Britney...

317. Britney, it's over!

318. What were you running for anyway?

319. Hey, wait a minute.

320. Where's her camel toe?

321. I'm not Britney Spears, all right?

322. Oh, psych!

323. She must be back at the train station!

324. Come on!

325. Now, wait a minute!

326. Everyone just stop for one minute!

327. Look, you guys are gonna end up killing her.

328. Can't you see that Britney isn't in any condition

329. to handle this crap anymore?

330. I know watching celebrities go down can be fun.

331. Me and my friends were just as guilty as all of you but...

332. Maybe... just maybe...

333. it's time to let this one go.

334. Just this one time,

335. let's all stop before it's too late, huh?

336. Son, you don't seem to understand.

337. Britney Spears... has to die.

338. Huh?

339. What do you think all this effort has been for?

340. It cannot be stopped.

341. It's not just the press— everyone agrees.

342. She must die.

343. Little Stanley was tired and hungry...

344. But he knew that for Britney Spears to be safe

345. he had to get her to the North Pole.

346. You doin' okay, Mrs. Spears?

347. Garglglglggl.

348. It's her.

349. No, I'm sure it's Britney Spears.

350. It looks just like the picture.

351. You want me to what?

352. Yes... I understand.

353. Hello, I'm Bob Summers.

354. Is today the day?

355. What is going on?

356. Why do you want Britney Spears to die?

357. Nobody wants her to die, little boy.

358. We all simply... need her to.

359. Do you understand?

360. No!

361. Look, kid, throughout history,

362. people have found it necessary to engage in...

363. human sacrifice.

364. In ancient times,

365. humans would commonly pick one lovely girl

366. and adorn her with jewels,

367. treat her like a goddess and then...

368. watch her die.

369. We Americans like to think we're more civilized now,

370. but the truth is our lust for torture and death

371. is no different than it was in gladiator times.

372. Only difference is that now Americans like to watch

373. people put to death through magazines and photographs.

374. It's a damn shame too!

375. Old ways were better!

376. Used to be we just picked someone by lottery

377. and then stoned them to death.

378. No, the American people don't want to

379. stone people to death anymore.

380. Best have the sacrifice kill itself.

381. You mean everyone in the country wants

382. Britney Spears to kill herself?

383. Britney was chosen a long time ago

384. to be built up and adored

385. and then sacrificed... for harvest.

386. Hey, where are we?

387. This isn't right.

388. - Over here, Ms. Spears! - One for US Magazine?

389. Right over here, Ms. Spears!

390. - Oh, no! - Ggoegogog! Ggogo!

391. Come on, Britney!

392. Come on, come on!

393. Mom, Dad!

394. They're gonna kill her!

395. They're gonna— wait,

396. what are you doing here?

397. It's all ofAmerica, Kyle.

398. We're all a part of this together.

399. You know about all this?

400. Kyle, what the fuck is going on now?

401. She's been built up to be sacrificed, Stan!

402. Sacrificed? For what?

403. For harvest, Stanley.

404. The same reason human beings have always done it.

405. "Sacrifice in March, corn have plenty starch."

406. Corn harvest.

407. We hadn't told you about it, Stanley,

408. because we like to wait until kids are a little older

409. to talk to them about things like condoms

410. and ritualistic human sacrifice for harvest.

411. All right, enough already!

412. This has all gone on long enough.

413. The kid is right.

414. This has gone on too long.

415. Yeah, she was supposed to have killed herself a long time ago.

416. And harvest is coming soon.

417. All right, folks, let's finish this quickly.

418. No, wait.

419. Rggll... Grlglgl...

420. Argngg... Rglglglg...

421. Come on, hurry up.

422. I can't run.

423. You go ahead, I'll catch up with ya.

424. Ralgglg!

425. Ralglglg!

426. Here, Davy.

427. Garggg!

428. Gargglglglglgl...

429. Hold on!

430. She's dead.

431. Well, I think it's time for us to leave the poor girl alone.

432. - Mornin', Bill. - Mornin', Joe.

433. Nice-lookin' corn.

434. Hey, Sharon, Randy, great harvest, huh?

435. An incredible harvest.

436. Some of the best corn I've seen in years.

437. Hey, check it out.

438. and the young girl has really

439. taken the country by storm!

440. Hannah Montana's Miley Cyrus,

441. though only 15 years old, is already on her way

442. to being a major superstar.

443. Looks like next harvest will be even better.