1. M'kay, so now the computer
will show a command bar.Copy !req
2. M'kay, and we type in X=Y+1.Copy !req
3. M'kay, and then it says we hit "command Y"Copy !req
4. to bring up the menu screen.Copy !req
5. Oh, man, you've got to be kidding me.Copy !req
6. Goddamn Japs are everywhere.Copy !req
7. M'kay, now, right-click
on menu item "equate all"Copy !req
8. and type in "input 'Y."'Copy !req
9. Oh, dude, are you on America's side, Stan?Copy !req
10. No, I'm on the Japanese side.Copy !req
11. Oh, who just shot me?Copy !req
12. M'kay, let's see, uh...Copy !req
13. The right click is the upper right...Copy !req
14. Uh... but then what the hell is...Copy !req
15. M'kay, kids, I'm gonna need to
get some clarification on this.Copy !req
16. Just keep entering the calculations.Copy !req
17. I'll be right back, m'kay.Copy !req
18. Oh, dude, I wish I had
a real flamethrower!Copy !req
19. It works awesome on Japs!Copy !req
20. Oh my God!
Oh my God!Copy !req
21. Stan... Stan, we have a big problem!Copy !req
22. Dude, what?Copy !req
23. There's vampires in the school!Copy !req
24. What?Copy !req
25. Vampires—
I've seen 'em!Copy !req
26. Dude, aw, who's using
the flak-jacket cheat?Copy !req
27. Not a cheat if you rank up!Copy !req
28. Uh!Copy !req
29. Kenny, there's a vampire on the loose!Copy !req
30. Then Katie Gelson was
hanging out with himCopy !req
31. and now she's a vampire too!Copy !req
32. Butters, there's no such thing as vampires.Copy !req
33. But there is!Copy !req
34. You guys gotta believe me!Copy !req
35. First, there was just a coupleCopy !req
36. but now it's like they're growing.Copy !req
37. They have fangs and drink
blood and everything!Copy !req
38. All right, Butters, well, you go
document the vampires' movementsCopy !req
39. so we know what their intentions are.Copy !req
40. Really, you think that's best?Copy !req
41. Yeah, now get outta here.Copy !req
42. All right!Copy !req
43. If I don't make it back,Copy !req
44. tell my Mom what happened to me.Copy !req
45. Oh, ho, you got powned,
Bebe, you jap bitch!Copy !req
46. Isn't this cool?Copy !req
47. This time of day nobody's in the gym.Copy !req
48. We should make this one of our officialCopy !req
49. South Park vampire's club hangouts.Copy !req
50. That's an awesome new coat, Mike.Copy !req
51. Looks totally badass.Copy !req
52. Don't call me Mike.Copy !req
53. My name is Vampir now.Copy !req
54. Oh, that's cool.Copy !req
55. I'm gonna change my name to Vladimir!Copy !req
56. You can't, it's too close to Vampir.Copy !req
57. 12:32 p.m.:
Vampires meeting in the school gymnasium...Copy !req
58. Leader appears to be a fifth-grader...Copy !req
59. You know that girl Bella in Twilight?Copy !req
60. I think I'm like her—
I'm a psi-vampire.Copy !req
61. Do you like these sparkles I got?Copy !req
62. Annie Bartlet is a psi-vampire...Copy !req
63. Yeah, I'm more a sanguinarian vampire,Copy !req
64. in that I rely more on the
life-force energy, per se.Copy !req
65. Yeah, I'm gonna be a hybrid vampire.Copy !req
66. Both psi and sanguinarian.Copy !req
67. That's Ryan Ellis.Copy !req
68. Looks like they've gotten to him too!Copy !req
69. Lunch time's almost over—Copy !req
70. should we drink some more blood?Copy !req
71. - Cool!
- Yeah!Copy !req
72. Yeah, and then I thinkCopy !req
73. it's time for us to feed, per se.Copy !req
74. Oh, God, I think they're
gonna drink blood now!Copy !req
75. They've got some kind of
chalice and they're—Copy !req
76. It's the Big Texas Butters Show!Copy !req
77. And now here he is, Big Texas Butters!Copy !req
78. Why, howdy there, partners!Copy !req
79. I'm Big Texas Butters,Copy !req
80. and this is my horse, Toast!Copy !req
81. Ahahghgh!Copy !req
82. Um, what are you doing?Copy !req
83. Get back!Copy !req
84. You stay back!Copy !req
85. Agh— wagh!Copy !req
86. The body of Christ compels you!Copy !req
87. Ahh!Copy !req
88. That kid was really scared of us.Copy !req
89. That's true, Bloodrayne,Copy !req
90. people are going to be frightened of usCopy !req
91. because they don't
understand our ways, per se.Copy !req
92. Yeah, we're cool, huh!Copy !req
93. What the hell are those kids doing?Copy !req
94. Why are they dressing
like that all of a sudden?Copy !req
95. Are they trying to be goth?Copy !req
96. No, they're vamp.Copy !req
97. They wear plastic fangsCopy !req
98. and drink freakin' clamato juice.Copy !req
99. But they can't dress like that.Copy !req
100. That's our style!Copy !req
101. Hey, Tommy Petros is thinkingCopy !req
102. he might wanna be a vamp kid too.Copy !req
103. Tommy Petros, is he cool?Copy !req
104. Yeah, he's cool enough.Copy !req
105. All right.Copy !req
106. So all of a suddenCopy !req
107. you Justin and Britney wannabesCopy !req
108. think it's cool to dress like us?Copy !req
109. We dress the way our souls feel.Copy !req
110. To express the darkness, per se.Copy !req
111. Aren't you Mike Mckowski?Copy !req
112. That's Vampir Mckowski now.Copy !req
113. You kids need to all
go put your freakingCopy !req
114. Banana Republic clothes
back on right now.Copy !req
115. Hey, we're just as dark as you guys.Copy !req
116. Maybe darker!Copy !req
117. Really... do you guys even smoke?Copy !req
118. Of course not, smoking's bad for you.Copy !req
119. Yeah!Copy !req
120. Oh, my God.Copy !req
121. You know, you guys are really giving offCopy !req
122. a negative human energy.Copy !req
123. We prefer to take our darkness
somewhere else, per se.Copy !req
124. All right, Count Fagula, you go do that.Copy !req
125. Mom, Mom, I gotta tell you something!Copy !req
126. You're not gonna believe it!Copy !req
127. Not now, Butters, your father wants toCopy !req
128. have a talk with you in the kitchen.Copy !req
129. He is not happy.Copy !req
130. Oh, no, what'd I do this time?Copy !req
131. You just march on in there.Copy !req
132. Oh, jeez...Copy !req
133. You see this, Butters?Copy !req
134. It's a glass of milk I poured for myself.Copy !req
135. And you see this?Copy !req
136. It's Hamburger Helper.Copy !req
137. Now, would you mind telling me
what Hamburger HelperCopy !req
138. is doing in this glass of milk?Copy !req
139. Why is Hamburger Helper in
a glass of milk, Butters?Copy !req
140. I have no idea, Sir.Copy !req
141. I'll tell you why!Copy !req
142. Our pantry is always kept
organized alphabetically.Copy !req
143. But somebody put the Hamburger HelperCopy !req
144. where the Nestle Quick is supposed to go!Copy !req
145. I'm sorry, Dad.Copy !req
146. It's just I've been really preoccupied lately!Copy !req
147. See, there's these kids at school that—Copy !req
148. What keeps a family together, Butters?Copy !req
149. A well-organized pantry.Copy !req
150. That's right!Copy !req
151. If you keep putting food back
under the wrong letter,Copy !req
152. it all goes wrong!Copy !req
153. Now you will reorganize this entire pantryCopy !req
154. and you will do it right!Copy !req
155. Okay, but, Dad, you gotta listen to me.Copy !req
156. Kids at school are starting to change!Copy !req
157. - They've been—
- You do it right nowCopy !req
158. or you're going to be grounded,
you got that?Copy !req
159. Yes, Sir...Copy !req
160. Jeez, nobody will even listen to me.Copy !req
161. It's like nobody even caresCopy !req
162. that there's vampires at the school.Copy !req
163. I try to help and all I ever doCopy !req
164. is get hollered at.Copy !req
165. I'll bet vampires never get hollered at.Copy !req
166. Vampires just get to do
whatever they want.Copy !req
167. "All mortals share a soft repose,Copy !req
168. "my soul doth dreadful vigils keep,Copy !req
169. more keen than which
hell scarcely knows."Copy !req
170. What is that kid doing?Copy !req
171. Oh, Jesus, oh, God.Copy !req
172. Butters, what are you doing?Copy !req
173. I... I'm Butters.Copy !req
174. So?Copy !req
175. Oh, creatures of the night,Copy !req
176. I seek audience to engage with theeCopy !req
177. in unholy darkness and thus do...Copy !req
178. And thus do unto your bidding!Copy !req
179. What?Copy !req
180. Oh, I wanna be a vampire.Copy !req
181. You're not cool enough to be one of us.Copy !req
182. Yeah, I know, but, uh...Copy !req
183. I think I would make a really good vampireCopy !req
184. if you just...Copy !req
185. just give me the opportunity.Copy !req
186. We'll think about it.Copy !req
187. Go get us some sodas out of
the pop machine in the commons.Copy !req
188. Yes, yes, anything else?Copy !req
189. I want some Cheetos.Copy !req
190. Soda and Cheetos—
yes, I'll be right back!Copy !req
191. Where'd it go?Copy !req
192. You see where it went?Copy !req
193. Yeah, it's right over there
by those vampire kids.Copy !req
194. What?Copy !req
195. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
196. We aren't vampire kids.Copy !req
197. We're freaking goth!Copy !req
198. Whatever, Dracula.
Why don't you turn into a bat or something?Copy !req
199. So lame.Copy !req
200. So... lame.Copy !req
201. You guys— I do not want to be grouped inCopy !req
202. with douchy little vampire kids.Copy !req
203. So lame.Copy !req
204. See, isn't it cool back here?Copy !req
205. It's all dark and isolated!Copy !req
206. This would be a great place
for a vampire meeting!Copy !req
207. Get out of our space, you little twerps!Copy !req
208. More preppy straight-"A" studentsCopy !req
209. turning into vampires.Copy !req
210. What the hell is going on?Copy !req
211. I've done what you've asked.Copy !req
212. A case of Dr. Pepper
and cherry Twizzlers.Copy !req
213. Who are you gonna give this to?Copy !req
214. I mean, vampires can't eat people food.Copy !req
215. You have done well.Copy !req
216. Are you ready to become one of us, per se?Copy !req
217. Yeah, I guess...Copy !req
218. Are you sure?Copy !req
219. Because once you're in
South Park Vampire SocietyCopy !req
220. you can't ever leave.Copy !req
221. Well, I'm sick of being pushed around...Copy !req
222. By my Dad...
by kids at school...Copy !req
223. Then it is time for your
transformation, per se!Copy !req
224. Let it begin!Copy !req
225. This way, prepare thyself.Copy !req
226. Whoa!Copy !req
227. And now you shall drink vampire bloodCopy !req
228. and your transformation
will be complete, per se.Copy !req
229. With this, thy transformation is done!Copy !req
230. Ewww, that's tastes awful!Copy !req
231. Blah, blahg!Copy !req
232. It is finished!Copy !req
233. Welcome, Butters,Copy !req
234. to the South Park Society of Vampires!Copy !req
235. Ha...
Ha ha ha!Copy !req
236. Ahhhh ha-ha haaaa!Copy !req
237. There you are, Butters!Copy !req
238. Do you know what time it is?Copy !req
239. Where have you been?Copy !req
240. Butters, what have you done to your hair?Copy !req
241. Hey, Butters, we are talking to you!Copy !req
242. Explain yourself, mister!Copy !req
243. I no longer need to explain
anything to you, father.Copy !req
244. What on Earth?Copy !req
245. That does it, you are grounded for two weeks,Copy !req
246. you got that?Copy !req
247. You can't ground me!Copy !req
248. For I am neither living nor dead!Copy !req
249. How can thy ground
that which is un-groundable?Copy !req
250. All right, I don't know what's
gotten into you, mister,Copy !req
251. but you're gonna—Copy !req
252. Hiss!Copy !req
253. - Wagh!
- Butters!Copy !req
254. Hiss... hiss!Copy !req
255. Agh...Copy !req
256. I am going to my room now,Copy !req
257. for I must slumber, per se.Copy !req
258. now, kids, I understand
that you are very into thisCopy !req
259. "vampire thing"Copy !req
260. but I don't want to see it get out of hand.Copy !req
261. You kids need to understandCopy !req
262. that your new little fad is scary to some.Copy !req
263. Oh, my God!Copy !req
264. You've got the wrong flippin' people!Copy !req
265. We aren't vampires.Copy !req
266. I know that you aren't really vampires.Copy !req
267. And I appreciate that you want to be coolCopy !req
268. because vampires are
the "in" thing right now—Copy !req
269. We aren't trying to be popular!Copy !req
270. But just make sure that this new little trendCopy !req
271. doesn't become a distraction.Copy !req
272. Here's a couple more,
Principal Victoria, m'kay.Copy !req
273. Oh, no, are we in trouble?Copy !req
274. I was just telling your friendsCopy !req
275. about what I expect—Copy !req
276. We aren't friends.Copy !req
277. Don't worry, Ma'am.Copy !req
278. As I was just explaining to my new minionsCopy !req
279. vampires are actually very spiritualCopy !req
280. and deep beings, per se.Copy !req
281. Allison Mertz is a vampire kid now?Copy !req
282. This thing isn't going to stop.Copy !req
283. Let's just face it, they bogarted our style.Copy !req
284. Everyone's gonna think we're trying
to be butthole vampires now.Copy !req
285. We might as well go to the frickin' GapCopy !req
286. and just buy normal clothes.Copy !req
287. Well, at least nobody can refer
to us as vampire kids now.Copy !req
288. It went this way?Copy !req
289. Yeah, it's over thereCopy !req
290. by that fat girl,
the big-nose kid, the midgetCopy !req
291. and the kid with pock marks on his face.Copy !req
292. So we're back to that, are we?Copy !req
293. Shit.Copy !req
294. Let's get out of these freakin' Gap clothes.Copy !req
295. Hsss!Copy !req
296. Sorry, Eric, but I'm a vampire nowCopy !req
297. and I can no longer survive on human food.Copy !req
298. And if someone must die so that I can feed...Copy !req
299. I choose thee.Copy !req
300. Hsss!Copy !req
301. Hmm, wonder what side
I'm supposed to do it on?Copy !req
302. Aw, probably doesn't matter.Copy !req
303. Butters?Copy !req
304. Butters!Copy !req
305. I can't do it!Copy !req
306. Dude, gross, you got spit all over my neck!Copy !req
307. Mom, Butters just gave me a hickey!Copy !req
308. I'm so hungryCopy !req
309. but just remembering how
that blood tasted before—Copy !req
310. blood is all clammy and tomatoey.Copy !req
311. It makes me wanna—Copy !req
312. bleahh!Copy !req
313. Dude!Copy !req
314. Are you all right, sweetie?Copy !req
315. Hissss!Copy !req
316. Ughn!Copy !req
317. Ow!Copy !req
318. What's going on?Copy !req
319. Well, Mom, apparently Butters is gay,Copy !req
320. finds me very attractiveCopy !req
321. and confused about his sexual identityCopy !req
322. puked up all over my floor.Copy !req
323. Oh, dear.Copy !req
324. Yes.Copy !req
325. I walked into the cafeteria today...Copy !req
326. Rebecca Miller and Phillip RustCopy !req
327. were dressed like vampires,
drinking clamato juiceCopy !req
328. with four kids from the football team.Copy !req
329. Jesus.Copy !req
330. It's like there's more vampire
kids every freakin' day.Copy !req
331. Why is this happening?Copy !req
332. I mean, why now?Copy !req
333. Doesn't matter why.Copy !req
334. Pretty soon the whole schoolCopy !req
335. is going to be an endless hiveCopy !req
336. of conformist happy-go-lucky
vampire wannabes.Copy !req
337. It seems like that preppy
Mike Mckowski kid started all this.Copy !req
338. Maybe he's the way to stopping it.Copy !req
339. What do you mean?Copy !req
340. I mean, what do you do
when you want toCopy !req
341. change vampires back to normal?Copy !req
342. You get rid of the head vampire.Copy !req
343. Does your Mom know you took her car?Copy !req
344. Do I care?Copy !req
345. All right, this is probably good enough.Copy !req
346. Yeah, pull over here.Copy !req
347. Please, what do you want?Copy !req
348. Let me go!Copy !req
349. What should we do with him?Copy !req
350. Well, if he's a vampire,Copy !req
351. I guess we should drive
a stake through his heart.Copy !req
352. Nooo! No, I'm not a vampire!Copy !req
353. I'm not a vampire!Copy !req
354. What's that?Copy !req
355. I'm not really a vampire!Copy !req
356. You're not really a vampire?Copy !req
357. Really?Copy !req
358. I'm so freaking shocked.Copy !req
359. If we get the right packagingCopy !req
360. we can just Fedex him
somewhere far away.Copy !req
361. How about we send him to Transylvania?Copy !req
362. Nah, he'd probably see itCopy !req
363. as something to brag about somedayCopy !req
364. to his little vampire buddies.Copy !req
365. If we're gonna send him somewhere,Copy !req
366. it should be the most horrible,Copy !req
367. most miserable place on Earth.Copy !req
368. Scottsdale!Copy !req
369. Butters?Copy !req
370. We just got a call from Mrs. Cartman!Copy !req
371. Butters?Copy !req
372. Unbelievable, he's locked the door.Copy !req
373. Butters, this is your father!Copy !req
374. Explain why you snuck into
another boy's bedroomCopy !req
375. and gave him a hickey!Copy !req
376. Butters?Copy !req
377. Butters, you open this door right now!Copy !req
378. What have I done to myself?Copy !req
379. I should have known I wouldn't have
the stomach to be a vampire.Copy !req
380. I'm so hungry.Copy !req
381. Butters, you have five seconds
to unlock this door!Copy !req
382. One... two!Copy !req
383. Uh... B-Butters?Copy !req
384. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
385. Ahghggh!Copy !req
386. Butters, did you get gayCopy !req
387. with one of your schoolmates tonight?Copy !req
388. I have to eat, but I can't do it.Copy !req
389. I'm getting weak.Copy !req
390. All right, now you listen
and you listen good.Copy !req
391. Until you stop behaving this way,Copy !req
392. you are not going to leave this room!Copy !req
393. Do you understand?Copy !req
394. Agh!Copy !req
395. Hiss!Copy !req
396. I know now what I have to do!Copy !req
397. Blagh!Copy !req
398. Stephen, what has happened to our boy?Copy !req
399. He's become something, Linda.Copy !req
400. Something that...Copy !req
401. we cannot ground.Copy !req
402. I just don't get it.Copy !req
403. We sent the head vampire kid to ScottsdaleCopy !req
404. but still more and more kidsCopy !req
405. are dressing up like vampires.Copy !req
406. He must not have been
what was causing it.Copy !req
407. It must be something else.Copy !req
408. Hey, you kids gonna order any foodCopy !req
409. or just sit there and drink
coffee all night again?Copy !req
410. Leave us alone.Copy !req
411. Bad enough I always get
stuck with you goth kids.Copy !req
412. Now I got goth kids in my entire section!Copy !req
413. They aren't goth!Copy !req
414. They're douchy little vampire kids!Copy !req
415. Looks the same to me.Copy !req
416. I bet they aren't even drinking coffee.Copy !req
417. No, they said they're
too young to drink caffeineCopy !req
418. so they're having orange juice.Copy !req
419. Let's go over there and tell themCopy !req
420. they are not taking Village Inn from us too!Copy !req
421. Forget it, it's over, all right!Copy !req
422. There's too many of them now,Copy !req
423. we can't stop them.Copy !req
424. Let's just face it.Copy !req
425. The freakin' vampires beat us.Copy !req
426. Maybe not.Copy !req
427. Hsss!Copy !req
428. Did you say...Copy !req
429. you're trying to get rid of the vampires?Copy !req
430. I want to help you.Copy !req
431. Get away, douche bag.Copy !req
432. Some legends say...Copy !req
433. that if you destroy the vampires' lair...Copy !req
434. The vampires go back
to being human again...Copy !req
435. What are you talking about?Copy !req
436. I can take you...Copy !req
437. to the place where kids are being
transformed into vampires.Copy !req
438. Agh— Hot Topic... when did this open?Copy !req
439. Two weeks ago.Copy !req
440. It used to be a Banana Republic.Copy !req
441. Of course, freakin' Hot Topic.Copy !req
442. That explains everything.Copy !req
443. How did we not figure that out?Copy !req
444. Of course a new Hot Topic
must have come to town—Copy !req
445. duh!Copy !req
446. Well, I think we all know
what has to be done.Copy !req
447. Yup, let's get to it.Copy !req
448. Hey, what the hell are you doing?Copy !req
449. You should probably get out of here.Copy !req
450. What the hell are they doing?Copy !req
451. They're putting an end to it!Copy !req
452. Ahghghggh!Copy !req
453. Mom, Dad!Copy !req
454. I've changed back!Copy !req
455. What?Copy !req
456. Goth kids burnt down the Hot TopicCopy !req
457. and sure enough, soon as they did,Copy !req
458. I tried eating a hot dog
and it tasted good!Copy !req
459. My vampire teeth even
fell out when I bit into it!Copy !req
460. I'm human again!Copy !req
461. We have no idea what you're
talking about, Butters,Copy !req
462. but we're glad you're home!Copy !req
463. That's right, son.Copy !req
464. There's only one thing I care about—Copy !req
465. What's that, Dad?Copy !req
466. Well, would you mind
telling me why there'sCopy !req
467. Rice-A-Roni in my coffee!Copy !req
468. Uh-oh.Copy !req
469. Butters, you are grounded!Copy !req
470. Awwww, dang it!Copy !req
471. It worked, Linda.Copy !req
472. Our son is groundable once more.Copy !req
473. Fellow students,Copy !req
474. over the past week,
there's been a lot of confusionCopy !req
475. and so we have asked for this assemblyCopy !req
476. to clarify the difference between goth kidsCopy !req
477. and vampire kids.Copy !req
478. Let us make it abundantly clear:Copy !req
479. if you hate life, truly hate the sunCopy !req
480. and need to smoke and drink coffeeCopy !req
481. you are goth.Copy !req
482. If, however, you like dressing in blackCopy !req
483. 'cause it's fun,Copy !req
484. enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeksCopy !req
485. and following the occultCopy !req
486. while avoiding things
that are bad for your healthCopy !req
487. then you are most likelyCopy !req
488. a douche bag vampire-wannabe boner.Copy !req
489. Because anybody who thinks
they are actually a vampireCopy !req
490. is freaking retarded.Copy !req
491. Fuck all of you.Copy !req