1. If there is anyone out there tonightCopy !req
2. who still doubts that America is a placeCopy !req
3. where all things are possible.Copy !req
4. Who still wonders if
the dream of our foundersCopy !req
5. is alive in our timeCopy !req
6. who still questions
the power of our democracy...Copy !req
7. tonight is your answer.Copy !req
8. Yeah!Copy !req
9. Obama!Copy !req
10. Woo-hooo!Copy !req
11. We did it,
we f-ing did it!Copy !req
12. Yeah!Copy !req
13. It's been a long time
coming but tonight,Copy !req
14. because of what we did on
this date in this electionCopy !req
15. at this defining moment
change has come to America.Copy !req
16. Yeah!
Yeah Obama!Copy !req
17. Change!
It's changeeeee!Copy !req
18. Sasha and Malia I love you both
more than you can imagine.Copy !req
19. And you have earned the new puppyCopy !req
20. that's coming with us to the White House.Copy !req
21. We will name him "Sparkles".Copy !req
22. He's so awesome!Copy !req
23. He's so perfect and awesome!Copy !req
24. Where we are met
with cynicism and doubtCopy !req
25. and those who tell us that we can't.Copy !req
26. We will respond with that timeless creedCopy !req
27. that sums up the spirit of a people.Copy !req
28. Yes we can.Copy !req
29. Yes we can!Copy !req
30. Yes I can!Copy !req
31. Here comes the change everybody!Copy !req
32. Whoooo!Copy !req
33. Did you see?
Our man is in!Copy !req
34. We did it!Copy !req
35. Everything is going to be awesome now!Copy !req
36. This is the greatest day of our lives!Copy !req
37. Yes we can!Copy !req
38. I don't even know what to do now!Copy !req
39. I know what to do!Copy !req
40. Looosers...Copy !req
41. Looosers!Copy !req
42. Loosers!
Looosers!Copy !req
43. Oh shut up!Copy !req
44. We lost?Copy !req
45. It is natural.Copy !req
46. It's natural, tonight,
to feel some disappointment.Copy !req
47. We fought as hard as we could.Copy !req
48. And though we fell shortCopy !req
49. the failure is mine, not yours.Copy !req
50. No!
No!Copy !req
51. Aww, poor ol' John McCain.Copy !req
52. He looks real sad.Copy !req
53. No, no, this can't happen— no!Copy !req
54. Steven!Copy !req
55. It's all over, Linda!Copy !req
56. The country as we know it
is about to change.Copy !req
57. We're all dead.Copy !req
58. You don't know that Steven!Copy !req
59. With an inexperienced
man as president, we do know it!Copy !req
60. He is right, game over man, m'kay!Copy !req
61. We'll probably be dead by sunrise!Copy !req
62. Butters, Daddy loves you.Copy !req
63. Just remember that.Copy !req
64. He always loved you.Copy !req
65. Wooo! Obama!Copy !req
66. Get outta here!Copy !req
67. Dude have you seen my parents?Copy !req
68. No, everyone's out
partying in the streets.Copy !req
69. What's wrong with your brother?Copy !req
70. He was a McCain supporter.Copy !req
71. It's okay, Ike, Obama will do fine.Copy !req
72. Wahhhh!Copy !req
73. - Mr. President, over here!
- Congratulations!Copy !req
74. - Great job Mr. President!
- Great job, Obama!Copy !req
75. Thank you all for your support.Copy !req
76. If you don't mind I'm going to
spend the rest of the eveningCopy !req
77. getting some much needed rest.Copy !req
78. Senator McCain!Copy !req
79. 'President' Obama.Copy !req
80. - Boom baby!
- Boom baby!Copy !req
81. Oh man that was perfect!Copy !req
82. I almost thought we were
going to tie for a minute there.Copy !req
83. That would have screwed us!Copy !req
84. You played it perfectly.Copy !req
85. There was no way.Copy !req
86. It's McCain, we did it.Copy !req
87. Obama is President.Copy !req
88. Yeah, so I've heard.Copy !req
89. You guys are out of your freaking minds,Copy !req
90. you know that?Copy !req
91. Yes, we do.Copy !req
92. Assemble the rest of the team,Copy !req
93. we've only got ten hours.Copy !req
94. Sure, hard part's over, right?Copy !req
95. Actually, the hard part's just starting.Copy !req
96. Obama, yeah, I can't believe it!Copy !req
97. Obama!Copy !req
98. Obama! Obama! Obama!Copy !req
99. Bleechh!Copy !req
100. Yes, I'd like to make a noise complaint.Copy !req
101. Obama!
Obama!Copy !req
102. Oh-oh police are here!Copy !req
103. Oooohhhh!Copy !req
104. Ooohhh!
Ooohhh!
Ooohhh!Copy !req
105. Okay people, time to disperse.Copy !req
106. Party's over.Copy !req
107. - Boooo!
- It's a party! Obama!Copy !req
108. Come on, time to go home.Copy !req
109. What are you, a McCain voter?Copy !req
110. Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!Copy !req
111. Sorry pal, but Obama's President now!Copy !req
112. Obam-a!
Obam-a!Copy !req
113. Obama!Copy !req
114. Yeah, yeah, flip the cop car!Copy !req
115. Flip the cop car!Copy !req
116. Hey, put down my car!Copy !req
117. Yes we can!Copy !req
118. No...
Hey stop it!Copy !req
119. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
120. Hey you guys wanna buy a TV?Copy !req
121. Bravo, Obama and McCain.Copy !req
122. Ten years you two have been
working on this planCopy !req
123. and you finally pulled it off.Copy !req
124. Guys we've all
known each other a long timeCopy !req
125. had many incredible adventuresCopy !req
126. but this is going to be our
greatest feat ever.Copy !req
127. I knew it!Copy !req
128. I knew when you two ran for president
you were just working an angle.Copy !req
129. Always workin' the angles.Copy !req
130. My friends, while the entire country
is busy reacting to the electionCopy !req
131. we are about to pull off
the greatest heist in human history.Copy !req
132. So... come on, enlighten us.Copy !req
133. What are we stealing this time?Copy !req
134. The Hope Diamond.Copy !req
135. Rated number four of the
ten most precious diamonds in the world.Copy !req
136. Going street value,
Middle Eastern market, of courseCopy !req
137. $ 210 million dollars.Copy !req
138. 210?Copy !req
139. Million.Copy !req
140. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
141. The Hope Diamond is ungettable.Copy !req
142. Every thief in the world knows that.Copy !req
143. Almost ungettable.Copy !req
144. The diamond is kept in the
Smithsonian Natural History MuseumCopy !req
145. long considered to be the most
thief-proof structure ever built.Copy !req
146. The diamond wing is protected
by impenetrable wallsCopy !req
147. of 2-foot wide steel.Copy !req
148. On the northeast side,
a seven-five laser system.Copy !req
149. There is simply no side of the SmithsonianCopy !req
150. that can be breached.Copy !req
151. So you go in from the roof.Copy !req
152. Drop into it from the top.Copy !req
153. Can't get to it from the top.Copy !req
154. Because a polymer shelf
runs the entire expanse.Copy !req
155. Okay, you can't get into
the museum from any sideCopy !req
156. and you can't drop from above.Copy !req
157. So you can't get the diamond.Copy !req
158. Meet the presidential escape tunnel.Copy !req
159. A two-mile-long underground passageCopy !req
160. that runs from the White HouseCopy !req
161. to a location outside the city limits
in case of an attack.Copy !req
162. The tunnel is only accessible
from the Oval OfficeCopy !req
163. and just happens to travel...Copy !req
164. right underneath the Smithsonian
Natural History Museum.Copy !req
165. - Boom baby!
- Boom baby!Copy !req
166. You get somebody into that tunnelCopy !req
167. they can blast into the museum -Copy !req
168. let the others in...Copy !req
169. The heist is on.Copy !req
170. So you both run for presidentCopy !req
171. because one you has to winCopy !req
172. and you've got your access to the tunnel.Copy !req
173. And we run a particularly brutal campaignCopy !req
174. so that the nation is as
distracted as possibleCopy !req
175. over the next eight hours.Copy !req
176. This all sounds very risky.Copy !req
177. We've spent ten years
putting this plan together.Copy !req
178. If we are indeed the greatest
thief club in the world—Copy !req
179. And we are.Copy !req
180. We won't get caught.Copy !req
181. Yes I'm trying to locate my parents.Copy !req
182. My name is Kyle Broflovski.Copy !req
183. Yes, I know Obama won.Copy !req
184. Kyle— Kyle you gotta get out here!Copy !req
185. What?Copy !req
186. Your little brother's climbed
out onto the window!Copy !req
187. I think he's going to jump!Copy !req
188. Oh my God!Copy !req
189. Wahhh!Copy !req
190. Ike don't do it!Copy !req
191. There's still so much to live for!Copy !req
192. No! Nooo!Copy !req
193. I know you really wanted McCain to winCopy !req
194. but it's going to be okay.Copy !req
195. No, that's not true, Ike!Copy !req
196. The economy could easily
stabilize with Obama's plan!Copy !req
197. Ike, don't jump!Copy !req
198. You could really hurt
your ankle or something.Copy !req
199. Really, Ike that's like
five feet off the ground...Copy !req
200. don't do it!Copy !req
201. Good bye!Copy !req
202. - No!
- No!Copy !req
203. Ike...
Oh crap Ike!Copy !req
204. Alright everyone, I'm turning in for the night.Copy !req
205. Go to standard security, team three.Copy !req
206. Sir... Sir, we have a bit of a problem.Copy !req
207. - What?
- The new President Elect is here.Copy !req
208. He wants in to the Oval Office.Copy !req
209. Barack Obama?Copy !req
210. They're all right through here, sir.Copy !req
211. Uh, hello.Copy !req
212. Is there something we can
do for you Mr. Obama?Copy !req
213. Just checking out the new digs.Copy !req
214. How are you guys?Copy !req
215. Good, sir.Copy !req
216. I'd like to see the Oval Office, please.Copy !req
217. Right now?Copy !req
218. I don't waste time, gentlemen.Copy !req
219. I've only got two months to figure outCopy !req
220. how I want to redecorate,Copy !req
221. if you know what I mean.Copy !req
222. You know, change the drapes and stuff.Copy !req
223. Sure, right this way Mr... President.Copy !req
224. I will need absolute privacy,Copy !req
225. is that understood?Copy !req
226. Yes, Sir.Copy !req
227. Thanks.Copy !req
228. I got a hundred dollars!Copy !req
229. Alright, McCain... I'm in.Copy !req
230. Nicely done, B.Copy !req
231. We're in position outside the Smithsonian.Copy !req
232. You find the escape tunnel?Copy !req
233. I'm already on it.Copy !req
234. Boom baby.Copy !req
235. Yeah!Copy !req
236. Weeeeww... change...Copy !req
237. Change!Copy !req
238. Dad... Dad we have a problem!Copy !req
239. Not anymore we don't!Copy !req
240. Everything's different now!Copy !req
241. No, Dad we gotta take Kyle's
brother to the hospital!Copy !req
242. We don't have to take crapCopy !req
243. from the rich fat cats anymore!Copy !req
244. Dude, he's wasted.Copy !req
245. Hey it's my boss!
Hey boss!Copy !req
246. Oh hello, Marsh.Copy !req
247. Yeah, you know what?Copy !req
248. Fuck you!Copy !req
249. Huh?Copy !req
250. You heard me you fucking piece of shit!Copy !req
251. I can finally tell you what I think of you!Copy !req
252. Fuckin' asshole.Copy !req
253. Dad what are you doing?Copy !req
254. It's okay, Stan, everything's changed.Copy !req
255. I don't need his stupid
fucking job anymore!Copy !req
256. You're a little fucking ass fuck.Copy !req
257. Piece a' shit!Copy !req
258. You know what Obama said?Copy !req
259. "Yes we can!"Copy !req
260. Hey, I voted for Obama!Copy !req
261. Obama's not talking about you!Copy !req
262. Can someone help us!Copy !req
263. My little brother fell out the window!Copy !req
264. I just want to say to everyoneCopy !req
265. who's a little disappointed
that we lost the electionCopy !req
266. that there's always next year!Copy !req
267. Maybe I'll run for
Vice President again in 2009!Copy !req
268. Uh, Mrs. Palin have you seen or
heard from John McCain?Copy !req
269. Uhh, no, I don't really
know where he went.Copy !req
270. Kind of seems a little odd, I guess, but—Copy !req
271. Oh, my phone's going ringy—
Excuse me.Copy !req
272. Hallooo?Copy !req
273. Hello Sarah, it's McCain.Copy !req
274. I hope to God you're calling to tell meCopy !req
275. you're in position below the
vault with the L-7 charges.Copy !req
276. I'm in the tunnel now, Sarah.Copy !req
277. Should be almost below the museum.Copy !req
278. Just make sure you don't blow
the transformers along with the tunnelCopy !req
279. because it will trigger the 5.4 laser system.Copy !req
280. And don't damage any coupling wiresCopy !req
281. or it'll be worthless when
Garret shuts down the grid.Copy !req
282. I'll be there in 30.Copy !req
283. God, she's awesome.Copy !req
284. Oh, I guess Senator McCain's
gonna fly me back to Alaska now.Copy !req
285. He's got a private jet you know.Copy !req
286. Okay, bye-bye then!Copy !req
287. Bloody idiots.Copy !req
288. Alright here we go.Copy !req
289. What's that noise?Copy !req
290. It's ok, just some construction outside.Copy !req
291. Oh no —Copy !req
292. McCain... we've got a problem.Copy !req
293. Hang in there Ike,
we're gonna get you help.Copy !req
294. Hey, there's some people!Copy !req
295. Listen, stay back stay back!Copy !req
296. We don't have any more room in the ark!Copy !req
297. You have to let us in!Copy !req
298. You know the country is doomed!Copy !req
299. Who are you to turn us away?Copy !req
300. I built this bunker in case McCain lost!Copy !req
301. There isn't enough room for everyone!Copy !req
302. Hey excuse me, but we need some help!Copy !req
303. I know you do but there's
no more room I tell ya!Copy !req
304. You're going to deny them too?Copy !req
305. God sakes man they're children!Copy !req
306. Look them in the eyesCopy !req
307. and tell them you won't take them in!Copy !req
308. Look at their little cheeks!Copy !req
309. Let go of my face asshole.Copy !req
310. Alright damn you!Copy !req
311. The children can come in!Copy !req
312. No, we don't want in your stupid shelter!Copy !req
313. - Okay then I want their place.
- Me too!Copy !req
314. We need to get a ride to the hospital!Copy !req
315. There isn't going to be a hospital,
don't you get it!Copy !req
316. Let us in now!Copy !req
317. Oh jeez it's already happening!Copy !req
318. Society's breaking down!Copy !req
319. Obama hasn't been elected four hoursCopy !req
320. and already the country is going to hell!Copy !req
321. Mr. Obama...
Sir?Copy !req
322. Alright, give me the keys.Copy !req
323. Is there a problem, gentlemen?Copy !req
324. Uh no, no Sir...
Everything ok in there?Copy !req
325. Why wouldn't it be?Copy !req
326. I'm sorry, but I asked to be left alone.Copy !req
327. Yes, Sir it's just that...Copy !req
328. Your wife is here.Copy !req
329. My wife?Copy !req
330. Barack, everyone's been looking for you!Copy !req
331. What on Earth are you doing?Copy !req
332. Uh... come on in, darling.Copy !req
333. Th-thank you boys.Copy !req
334. Okay Barack, tell me what's going on.Copy !req
335. Michelle there's something I need tell you.Copy !req
336. What is it?Copy !req
337. Barack, what is it?Copy !req
338. The laser system guarding the diamondCopy !req
339. was replaced with an
optical relay three days ago.Copy !req
340. You gotta be kidding me!Copy !req
341. So the entire diamond vault
is inaccessible?Copy !req
342. Is McCain online?Copy !req
343. Hi Michelle.Copy !req
344. Your guys weren't running update
checks on the security logs?Copy !req
345. Michelle, we need you to do
a different scan hack to the vault relay.Copy !req
346. On a new system—
in an hour?Copy !req
347. Are you nuts?Copy !req
348. My job was to pretend to
be married to this bozoCopy !req
349. and get you three scan hacks
into a laser system.Copy !req
350. Michelle, it's Sarah.Copy !req
351. They did replace the laser systemCopy !req
352. but the new one isn't brand new.Copy !req
353. It's an old H-7 series-Copy !req
354. you can break this baby in 30 minutes.Copy !req
355. Ugh, tell Davis to get me
a foretrans emitterCopy !req
356. and enough pulse drives to light a spark.Copy !req
357. - You catch that Davis?
- I'm on it.Copy !req
358. We made it, Ike.Copy !req
359. You're going to be okay.Copy !req
360. There, just take a seat over there!Copy !req
361. Excuse me!Copy !req
362. My little brother needs medical attention.Copy !req
363. Was he an Obama supporter
or a McCain supporter?Copy !req
364. Why does that matter?Copy !req
365. Because then I'll know if he partied too hardCopy !req
366. or if he tried to kill himself.Copy !req
367. Ma'am please, I think
my little brother needs immediate help!Copy !req
368. You don't understand, kid!Copy !req
369. There's only two doctors on call!Copy !req
370. And Doctor Wilson is out celebrating
in the street somewhere!Copy !req
371. So where's the other doctor?Copy !req
372. Hey, come on people!Copy !req
373. We can keep partying can't we?Copy !req
374. Yes we can!Copy !req
375. Come on let's sing!Copy !req
376. - Shut up!
- Ahggh!Copy !req
377. I've almost got it.Copy !req
378. You're only going to have five minutes...Copy !req
379. do you understand?Copy !req
380. Did you really not like
pretending to be married?Copy !req
381. Oh Jesus, now is not the time, B.Copy !req
382. Come on, you have to admit
we had some fun.Copy !req
383. My girls need somebody betterCopy !req
384. than a world-class diamond thief.Copy !req
385. Wait, there, I got it.Copy !req
386. Alright everyone we're about to goCopy !req
387. so here's the revised schedule:Copy !req
388. 4:40 am... the team gathersCopy !req
389. at the northwest exit of the museum.Copy !req
390. 4:45 am...
Michelle hacks the optical relayCopy !req
391. allowing me access to the rear doors.Copy !req
392. Go!Copy !req
393. 4:46...
From inside I can open the doorsCopy !req
394. and let in the rest of the crew.Copy !req
395. 5:10 am...
At the department of power
Quincy shuts down the gridCopy !req
396. disabling power to the vault room.Copy !req
397. 5:12...
My Grandmother, who faked
her death on MondayCopy !req
398. calls in a bomb threat to the museum.Copy !req
399. I said I put a bomb in your building, yes.Copy !req
400. 5:13...
The guards open the southwest doorCopy !req
401. checking the museum for any bombs.Copy !req
402. 5:14...
McCain, dressed as a football playerCopy !req
403. enters security and shuts off
the diamond case alarm.Copy !req
404. Hey you, stop!Copy !req
405. Michelle and I head back into the tunnelCopy !req
406. and the hole is patched.Copy !req
407. 5:15 am...
I walk out of the Oval OfficeCopy !req
408. with the diamond securely
hidden in my anus.Copy !req
409. All done, thanks.Copy !req
410. Boom baby!Copy !req
411. Just one thing-Copy !req
412. don't you think people
are going to be suspiciousCopy !req
413. when you disappear?Copy !req
414. Go looking for you?Copy !req
415. We hired a guy for that
a couple months ago.Copy !req
416. What the hell?Copy !req
417. Ike?Copy !req
418. Boom baby!Copy !req
419. Here are all the tickets
for your group, Mr. Sanchez.Copy !req
420. Thank you very much.Copy !req
421. Well, friends, let us depart.Copy !req
422. Hey uh... you guys go ahead.Copy !req
423. I just came to say goodbye.Copy !req
424. What?Copy !req
425. I've decided to hang it up.Copy !req
426. Maybe give this President thing a shot.Copy !req
427. B, you can't be serious!Copy !req
428. Besides, you died in a jet in
the Rocky Mountains, remember?Copy !req
429. Could have been I didn't make that flight.Copy !req
430. What do you say, Michelle?Copy !req
431. Would you and your girls like to move into
the White House with me?Copy !req
432. You know, settle down,Copy !req
433. just be President and First Lady for a while?Copy !req
434. You're serious.Copy !req
435. Who knows, maybe we could
change a few things.Copy !req
436. What'dya say?Copy !req
437. Ah... what the fuck.Copy !req
438. I just love happy endings.Copy !req
439. It's still here...
It's all still here!Copy !req
440. Does that meanmaybe we overreacted?Copy !req
441. No, no, I wouldn't say that.Copy !req
442. It's just maybe...Copy !req
443. Maybe Obama will be alright.Copy !req
444. Ugh... oh ow... ow...Copy !req
445. Hey, where are my pants?Copy !req
446. Where's our TV?Copy !req
447. Where are my pants and where's my TV?Copy !req
448. Dad your boss called he said you're fired.Copy !req
449. Ugh—
God dammit!Copy !req
450. Obama said things would be different!Copy !req
451. That son of a bitch lied to us!Copy !req
452. I knew I should have voted for McCain!Copy !req
453. Ragh!Copy !req