1. What's going on, Dad?Copy !req
2. Mr. Marsh, you have to move, it isn't—Copy !req
3. Oh, God.Copy !req
4. I'm... I'm so startled.Copy !req
5. Aghgh!Copy !req
6. My name is Craig Tucker.Copy !req
7. Last week was my birthday.Copy !req
8. My Grandma gave me a check for $100.Copy !req
9. I was so happy.Copy !req
10. But then, four kids from school
came to my houseCopy !req
11. and said I should use
my $100 to invest in becomingCopy !req
12. a Peruvian flute band.Copy !req
13. They promised I would double
my money in one afternoon.Copy !req
14. But the government arrested us,Copy !req
15. along with all the other
Peruvian flute bands,Copy !req
16. and took us to an
internment camp in Miami.Copy !req
17. We begged to go home.Copy !req
18. But instead, the government told usCopy !req
19. they were sending us to Peru.Copy !req
20. And so that is why I am now in Peru.Copy !req
21. If I die, let it be known that it isCopy !req
22. because four guys I don't
even like from schoolCopy !req
23. lied to me and took my birthday money.Copy !req
24. We didn't lie, Craig, it was a sweet idea!Copy !req
25. Yeah, how were we supposed to knowCopy !req
26. that pan-flute bands would be outlawed?Copy !req
27. I don't get it.Copy !req
28. They said the military would meet us here.Copy !req
29. This is where they told us to land.Copy !req
30. Can you get through to Washington?Copy !req
31. I'm trying.Copy !req
32. This is Conner in Washington!Copy !req
33. Hey, Conner, the place that
homeland security told usCopy !req
34. to start the operation—Copy !req
35. there's nobody here to meet us.Copy !req
36. It's like they sent us to no-man's land.Copy !req
37. Jesus, they're everywhere!Copy !req
38. What are everywhere?Copy !req
39. So furry!Copy !req
40. They're attacking every city—
ahh—Copy !req
41. People dying— ahh—Copy !req
42. Guinea pigs... all over— ahh—Copy !req
43. Guinea pigs?Copy !req
44. Can't stop them!Copy !req
45. Need to get out—
ahh—Copy !req
46. I just ate...Copy !req
47. A peanut— ahh—Copy !req
48. Peanut now stuck in throat— ahh—Copy !req
49. Shouldn't eat peanuts when scared!Copy !req
50. Ahghghh!Copy !req
51. I've got the video camera,
got it turned on again.Copy !req
52. Okay.Copy !req
53. This is Randy Marsh.Copy !req
54. I'm shooting this video of myself.Copy !req
55. 20 minutes ago, some huge
creatures attacked our town.Copy !req
56. It's still chaos out the window.Copy !req
57. I barely made it back to the house.Copy !req
58. Sharon is here with me...
and there's Shelley.Copy !req
59. Wave to the camera, Shelley.Copy !req
60. Randy, will you put down that camera?Copy !req
61. We need to figure out what to do!Copy !req
62. I don't know what to do!Copy !req
63. I'm so startled.Copy !req
64. We have to see what the news is saying!Copy !req
65. This is a shot of New York City,Copy !req
66. where the giant guinea pigs
have also attacked.Copy !req
67. Guinea pigs?Copy !req
68. Reports of attacks are
coming in from major citiesCopy !req
69. all over the world.Copy !req
70. Jesus, this thing is worldwide?Copy !req
71. Look at that thing!Copy !req
72. Randy, what are we gonna do?Copy !req
73. Ahh!
Ahh!Copy !req
74. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!Copy !req
75. Go, Randy, run!Copy !req
76. We've gotta get out!Copy !req
77. Michaels, Harrison— anybody?Copy !req
78. Nothing.Copy !req
79. L-Sat is down, and no answer at R.C.U.Copy !req
80. Whatever's going on out there, it's huge.Copy !req
81. All right, just let me get this straight.Copy !req
82. The head of homeland security
ordered you to fly us,Copy !req
83. five kids, to Peru,Copy !req
84. but had you land way up in
the Andes Mountains of PeruCopy !req
85. so that other government
people could meet usCopy !req
86. and then somehow tell usCopy !req
87. how to go to the capital
of Peru way over in LimaCopy !req
88. and take down their government?Copy !req
89. Yes, that was the order.Copy !req
90. And that makes sense to you?Copy !req
91. Nope, not at all.Copy !req
92. Actually, the whole rounding
up of the pan-flute bandsCopy !req
93. didn't make sense to any of us either.Copy !req
94. None of what that homeland
security guy does makes sense.Copy !req
95. So could you just fly us home, please?Copy !req
96. You don't understand.Copy !req
97. The plan was to have a
refueling truck meet us here.Copy !req
98. We don't have enough gas to fly anyplace.Copy !req
99. Oh, that's awesome.Copy !req
100. So we've gotta find another
way out of here.Copy !req
101. It's starting to look that way, yeah.Copy !req
102. This is fun.Copy !req
103. Let's walk for miles
through a spooky jungle.Copy !req
104. It just keeps getting better and better.Copy !req
105. Y'know, we're getting pretty
sick of your attitude, Craig.Copy !req
106. Yeah!Copy !req
107. Nobody likes hanging out with peopleCopy !req
108. who complain all the time.Copy !req
109. Look at that, no lights on— nothing.Copy !req
110. It's like humans have never
been to this part of Peru.Copy !req
111. More guinea pigs seem to be
moving in from all directions.Copy !req
112. We checked on WikipediaCopy !req
113. and found out that guinea pigsCopy !req
114. are from the Andes Mountains— here.Copy !req
115. What about the pan-flute bands?Copy !req
116. Are they on their way to Guantanamo Bay?Copy !req
117. Sir, we believe we have
bigger problems right nowCopy !req
118. than pan-flute bands.Copy !req
119. Have they been loaded
onto the boats or not?Copy !req
120. No, Sir.Copy !req
121. We diverted all the resources
away from the pan-flute bandsCopy !req
122. to deal with the guinea pigs.Copy !req
123. That was an order!Copy !req
124. The flute bands were to be put on boatsCopy !req
125. to Guantanamo last night!Copy !req
126. I am still in charge here!Copy !req
127. I want those pan-flute bands
on the boats to Guantanamo!Copy !req
128. Yes, Sir.Copy !req
129. I don't see why you have to yell at people.Copy !req
130. Okay, we're down in Main Street now.Copy !req
131. Ohh— oh, look at that.Copy !req
132. Ohh!Copy !req
133. Where do we go, Randy?Copy !req
134. We've got to get out of town.Copy !req
135. Go through that way.Copy !req
136. No!Copy !req
137. Ahgh— my arm, my arm!Copy !req
138. Oh, Jesus!Copy !req
139. Randy, run!Copy !req
140. Run!Copy !req
141. Okay, we're running now!Copy !req
142. There's Sharon and Shelley running.Copy !req
143. Wave to the camera, Shelley.Copy !req
144. - Dad!Copy !req
145. Ahghgh!Copy !req
146. In there, in there!Copy !req
147. Oh, God, oh, God, I'm so startled.Copy !req
148. Are you startled, Sharon?Copy !req
149. Randy, put down the—Copy !req
150. It's gonna kill us!Copy !req
151. Just stay down, Shelley,
it can't come in here!Copy !req
152. Hold on, hold on, I need to
get a shot of it from outside.Copy !req
153. Randy, where are you going?Copy !req
154. Here we see a view from outside the bus.Copy !req
155. Randy!Copy !req
156. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
157. I got a really good shot of it, Sharon.Copy !req
158. Aghgh!Copy !req
159. I don't know, Lemski.Copy !req
160. This entire area of Peru isn't
even charted on the maps.Copy !req
161. This whole valley is strange.Copy !req
162. Just look at the size of that fruit!Copy !req
163. Ain't that a peach?Copy !req
164. And how do you like them apples?Copy !req
165. Take a look at this!Copy !req
166. They look like beehive combs.Copy !req
167. Oh, my God.Copy !req
168. Dude, what is this place?Copy !req
169. It's like an unknown valley that time forgotCopy !req
170. where everything grows huge.Copy !req
171. That's a shock.Copy !req
172. I decided to follow you guysCopy !req
173. and now I'm in
"Land of the Giants' Lost World."Copy !req
174. Craig, it isn't our fault!Copy !req
175. You make it sound like
we always wanna beCopy !req
176. in situations like this,
but we don't have any choice!Copy !req
177. Yeah, stuffjust happens.Copy !req
178. Stuffjust happens.Copy !req
179. That's right!Copy !req
180. You just wind up being
sent by the governmentCopy !req
181. to take down the city of Lima,Copy !req
182. only to wind up in
"Land of the Giants' Lost World."Copy !req
183. That's right.Copy !req
184. You know what stuff
happens to most kids?Copy !req
185. They fall off their bikes.Copy !req
186. They get in fights with their parents.Copy !req
187. They get swindled out of
their birthday money.Copy !req
188. Look, wherever we are,
I think we better keep moving.Copy !req
189. Dude, look out!Copy !req
190. Ahahghgghh!
Aghghgh!Copy !req
191. Ahghghghghghghgh!Copy !req
192. No, stop it!
Make it stop!Copy !req
193. All right, all right.Copy !req
194. Here's Sharon and Shelley
on the roof of Best Buy.Copy !req
195. We— we ran up here to get off the streets.Copy !req
196. We found the Stotch family
hiding up here also.Copy !req
197. There's Chris and Linda and their son, Butters.Copy !req
198. Hello!Copy !req
199. What is that?
Chris, what is that?Copy !req
200. That's a new sound.Copy !req
201. Oh, God, look!Copy !req
202. Those aren't guinea pigs!Copy !req
203. Get off the roof!Copy !req
204. Go, go, go, go, go, go!Copy !req
205. Oh— oh, God!Copy !req
206. Going down the stairs now!Copy !req
207. Okay, we're going down the stairs!Copy !req
208. And we are now getting word of giant bees.Copy !req
209. The giant bees have been
seen in the U.S. and Europe.Copy !req
210. Oh, God!Copy !req
211. Get away, there's bees everywhere!Copy !req
212. Running— running— running down the street!Copy !req
213. Ahgghh!Copy !req
214. There's another one right there!Copy !req
215. - Oh, my God!Copy !req
216. It stung me!
It stung me!Copy !req
217. Aaghgh!Copy !req
218. Oh, that startled me!Copy !req
219. That was really startling!Copy !req
220. I think we're just heading
deeper into the mountains.Copy !req
221. Yeah, maybe we should
start heading that way.Copy !req
222. I think we're fucked!Copy !req
223. Hey, hey, look at this.Copy !req
224. What is it?Copy !req
225. I don't know, looks old.Copy !req
226. Let's see what's in there.Copy !req
227. "Let's see what's in there."Copy !req
228. That's why you guys get into these situations.Copy !req
229. Because when you come across
a spooky ancient ruin,Copy !req
230. you say, "Let's see what's in there."Copy !req
231. It might be a way out, Craig!Copy !req
232. Yeah, Mr. Complainy-Pants.Copy !req
233. Whoa!Copy !req
234. I don't think anybody's
been in here for centuries.Copy !req
235. Yeah, totally.Copy !req
236. You guys, look at this!Copy !req
237. It's a wall of ancient drawings.Copy !req
238. Dude, it's a Peruvian flute band!Copy !req
239. I know, and look—Copy !req
240. Looks like the pan-flute musicCopy !req
241. is driving away giant guinea pigs?Copy !req
242. Oh, no way, look!Copy !req
243. The pan-flute band's put in prison.Copy !req
244. Just like what happened!Copy !req
245. And then the guinea pigs killing people!Copy !req
246. And then...Copy !req
247. Dude, it's Craig!Copy !req
248. What?Copy !req
249. That is Craig!Copy !req
250. Dude, Craig, what's going on?Copy !req
251. I have no idea.Copy !req
252. Well, do you mind telling us
what you're doing onCopy !req
253. an ancient Incan wall, Craig?Copy !req
254. I don't know.Copy !req
255. There is now word of huge beehives formingCopy !req
256. in cities across the U.S. and Canada.Copy !req
257. Europe and China are reportingCopy !req
258. deaths by guinea pigs
in the tens of thousands.Copy !req
259. And how are the efforts to
contain all this going?Copy !req
260. It's bad, Sir.Copy !req
261. It seems we have no way of stopping it.Copy !req
262. We've lost complete control.Copy !req
263. Uh, Sir?Copy !req
264. I'm sorry, I just thought of a funny joke.Copy !req
265. Oh— ha-ha.Copy !req
266. All right, get the jets ready.Copy !req
267. I need to get to Machu Picchu.Copy !req
268. Uh, Machu Picchu, Sir?Copy !req
269. Yes, I need to be taken to Machu Picchu.Copy !req
270. Have you lost your hearing?Copy !req
271. But, Sir, what could possibly
be at Machu Picchu to help—Copy !req
272. Am I in charge or not?Copy !req
273. We're in the grocery store now.Copy !req
274. Some other survivors here.Copy !req
275. Can we get out through the highway?Copy !req
276. The highway's unreachable.Copy !req
277. There's guinea rats all over it.Copy !req
278. - Guinea rats?
- So startled, so startled.Copy !req
279. What do you mean,
guinea rats?Copy !req
280. Look, there are guinea pigs,Copy !req
281. but there's also guinea bees, guinea rats.Copy !req
282. I've even seen some guinea spiders out there.Copy !req
283. Randy, will you stop doing that?Copy !req
284. Look, I think we need to find
a way out under the city.Copy !req
285. In the sewers?Copy !req
286. It can't be safe down there.Copy !req
287. Oh, God, what are we gonna do?Copy !req
288. - Oh, my God!Copy !req
289. Something's inside the store!Copy !req
290. Guinea rabbits! They're inside!Copy !req
291. Whoa, they're everywhere!Copy !req
292. Help me!Copy !req
293. Help me!Copy !req
294. Ahghgh!Copy !req
295. Ahhhh!
Travis, no!Copy !req
296. You can't help him!Copy !req
297. There's something over there!Copy !req
298. It's a guinea bear!Copy !req
299. No, it's a guinea mouse, stupid!Copy !req
300. Kill me!Copy !req
301. Randy, the storeroom—
we've gotta get to the storeroom!Copy !req
302. Mom, I can't see!Copy !req
303. It's okay, Shelley, Daddy's
gonna turn on night vision.Copy !req
304. There... there.Copy !req
305. Okay.Copy !req
306. Ahgghgh!
Ahghgh!Copy !req
307. What, what, what, what?Copy !req
308. Nothing, sorry, I just startled myself.Copy !req
309. Ahgghgh!Copy !req
310. Let's head over this way, guys.Copy !req
311. You hear that?
It sounds like water.Copy !req
312. Yeah, it's coming from up there.Copy !req
313. Wow.Copy !req
314. Dude, that's awesome.Copy !req
315. All right, let's go.Copy !req
316. No.Copy !req
317. What— what do you mean "no" ?Copy !req
318. I'm not following you guys anymore.Copy !req
319. Dude, we have to go check this out.Copy !req
320. Why?Copy !req
321. Because just— that's just the way it is.Copy !req
322. Every time bad things happen,Copy !req
323. you guys end up putting yourselvesCopy !req
324. deeper into the middle of it becauseCopy !req
325. "That's just the way it is."Copy !req
326. Hey, we aren't the onesCopy !req
327. on an ancient temple prophecy wall, butt wipe!Copy !req
328. I don't care.Copy !req
329. I've decided that I'm done.Copy !req
330. I am choosing not to be
a part of this anymore.Copy !req
331. How do you do that?Copy !req
332. It's easy— watch.Copy !req
333. Craig, dude, wait up.Copy !req
334. Dude, Craig, we should go back now.Copy !req
335. No.Copy !req
336. Hey, look, there's something here!Copy !req
337. Nope.Copy !req
338. Dude, this is boring.Copy !req
339. This is just a bunch of walking around.Copy !req
340. Yep, nice and boring.Copy !req
341. Just the way I like it.Copy !req
342. It's been three days now
since the guinea pigsCopy !req
343. and the guinea bees attacked.Copy !req
344. Guinea rabbits are still everywhere,Copy !req
345. along with a few guinea panthers.Copy !req
346. We've taken shelter
at the Outback Steakhouse.Copy !req
347. There's Sharon and Shelley.Copy !req
348. Say, "Hey," guys.Copy !req
349. What is that?
What is that?Copy !req
350. I'm gonna take a look outside!Copy !req
351. What is it?Copy !req
352. It's a guinea-saurus rex!Copy !req
353. - Oh, my God!
- I know, I'm way too startled!Copy !req
354. Look!Copy !req
355. Jesus, they can't kill it!Copy !req
356. What do you think about the
guinea-saurus rex, Shelley?Copy !req
357. Oh, that's good, there's Shelley withCopy !req
358. the guinea-saurus rex in the background!Copy !req
359. Give a little peace sign, Shelley.Copy !req
360. Oh, I know, hold out your palmCopy !req
361. so it looks like you're holding
the guinea-saurus rex!Copy !req
362. Shelley?Copy !req
363. Randy, I have had it!Copy !req
364. You are putting down that Goddamn camera!Copy !req
365. Sharon, you're gonna be really gladCopy !req
366. we have all this footage of the family someday.Copy !req
367. Ppssahggh!Copy !req
368. Wait here a minute.Copy !req
369. Behold!Copy !req
370. I am standing on your precious land!Copy !req
371. I've waited a long time for this!Copy !req
372. What's he doing?Copy !req
373. What of your prophecy now?Copy !req
374. Nothing can stop me!Copy !req
375. Craig!Copy !req
376. No, how did you get here?Copy !req
377. Hey, it's that asshole
who sent us to the jungleCopy !req
378. with nobody to pick us up!Copy !req
379. Sir, is everything all right?Copy !req
380. Shoot them!Copy !req
381. Shoot them?Copy !req
382. They're a Peruvian band that escaped!Copy !req
383. We must keep them contained!Copy !req
384. No, no, listen to me.Copy !req
385. The Peruvian flute bands were keepingCopy !req
386. the guinea creatures away!Copy !req
387. Whatever's happening
to the world is happeningCopy !req
388. because you guys got rid of
all the flute bands!Copy !req
389. I said shoot them.Copy !req
390. Go look— it's all an ancient Incan prophecy!Copy !req
391. Maybe we should look at it, Sir.Copy !req
392. Damn you, Craig!Copy !req
393. You just don't ever stop, do you?Copy !req
394. I didn't say anything.Copy !req
395. You see, for thousands of
years, horrid creatures haveCopy !req
396. lived in the Guinea Valley of Peru.Copy !req
397. The Incas learned how to
keep the creatures at bayCopy !req
398. by playing pan-flute music.Copy !req
399. Guinea creatures hate it
even more than humans do.Copy !req
400. But the prophecy foretold that one dayCopy !req
401. the creatures would be unleashed,Copy !req
402. and I have made that happen!Copy !req
403. The Incas predicted
the world would be saved...Copy !req
404. by Craig.Copy !req
405. But that part of the prophecy
will not come true!Copy !req
406. For you will all die on this mountain!Copy !req
407. Ha-ha haaa...Copy !req
408. You're— you're some kind of monster!Copy !req
409. Oh, I'm much more than that.Copy !req
410. Guinea bees, guinea rabbits,
guinea-saurus rexes—Copy !req
411. I am something much more evil.Copy !req
412. Kwaaaagh!Copy !req
413. Arrrrgh!Copy !req
414. Guinea pirate!Copy !req
415. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
416. Sir, I promise you,Copy !req
417. I'm not going to ruin your plans.Copy !req
418. I'll just walk away.Copy !req
419. See?Copy !req
420. Arhghggh!Copy !req
421. No!Copy !req
422. Okay, now there's sparks
shooting out of my eyes.Copy !req
423. Ah, curse ye, Craig!Copy !req
424. Stop! Ahghgh!Copy !req
425. Argh!Copy !req
426. My name is Craig Tucker.Copy !req
427. Last week, I stopped a guinea pirateCopy !req
428. from taking over the earth.Copy !req
429. All the Peruvian flute bands were released...Copy !req
430. And drove the guinea creatures
back to the Andes Mountains.Copy !req
431. Many people had died,
but mankind had prevailed.Copy !req
432. All over the world, survivors were found—Copy !req
433. living witnesses to the terror
that had been seen.Copy !req
434. Here, here, look, look!Copy !req
435. What the—Copy !req
436. Oh— oh, I didn't have a tape in it.Copy !req
437. The guinea pirate lived,Copy !req
438. but was taken to prison to
live out the rest of his days.Copy !req
439. And people all over the worldCopy !req
440. learned to support
their local Peruvian flute bandsCopy !req
441. and buy their CD's,Copy !req
442. for they protect us from the guinea creatures.Copy !req
443. As for me, I was returned home
by homeland security.Copy !req
444. My parents were so happy.Copy !req
445. I realized that we don't
always have control overCopy !req
446. what happens to us.Copy !req
447. We are but players on the stage of life.Copy !req
448. And I also learned to never listen when peopleCopy !req
449. come asking you for money.Copy !req
450. That guy's an asshole.Copy !req
451. Yeah, what a dick.Copy !req
452. I fucking hate Craig!Copy !req
453. Sir— Sir, we have a problem.Copy !req
454. What now?Copy !req
455. The former director of homeland securityCopy !req
456. that turned out to be a guinea pig,Copy !req
457. it attacked the guards—
got out of its holding cell.Copy !req
458. My God, are you telling me—Copy !req
459. Yes, Sir, it broke out of prison.Copy !req