1. I don't get it, Kenny.Copy !req
2. Why did you buy razors and shaving cream?Copy !req
3. 'Cause, dude, I'm gonna shave my balls.Copy !req
4. Shave your balls?Copy !req
5. Why would you shave your balls?Copy !req
6. Because girls like shaved balls.Copy !req
7. Girls like shaved balls?Copy !req
8. Yes, they do.Copy !req
9. What girl is gonna see your balls?Copy !req
10. I don't know.Copy !req
11. Oh, Jesus, there's another one!Copy !req
12. Another pan flute band.Copy !req
13. Have you guys noticed
there's bands like thisCopy !req
14. everywhere you go lately?Copy !req
15. Yeah, I saw like three of those bandsCopy !req
16. down in Denver yesterday.Copy !req
17. All their crappy music sounds the same.Copy !req
18. I'm so sick of hearing this
music everywhere I go!Copy !req
19. I think Kenny likes it.Copy !req
20. I gotta get home for dinner.Copy !req
21. Yeah, me too.Copy !req
22. God!Copy !req
23. Shut up already!Copy !req
24. I'm outta here, see ya, guys.Copy !req
25. Tonight, the Travel Channel
takes you to London!Copy !req
26. London has something for everyone!Copy !req
27. Sights, theater...Copy !req
28. and wonderful street performers!Copy !req
29. They're in London too?Copy !req
30. Hey, time for dinner, guys!Copy !req
31. All right, kids, dig in.Copy !req
32. Where's Dad?Copy !req
33. He's upstairs videotaping your
Grandfather in the bathtub.Copy !req
34. Why?Copy !req
35. Because ever since your Father
got that stupid video camera,Copy !req
36. he thinks he has to film
everything the family does.Copy !req
37. All right, here we are!Copy !req
38. Marsh family gathered for another dinner!Copy !req
39. Randy, we have plenty of
video of us eating dinner.Copy !req
40. There's Shelley.Copy !req
41. You excited about dinner, Shelley?Copy !req
42. Turn it off, Dad!Copy !req
43. Oh, look, Stan's eating a tater tot!Copy !req
44. Wave to the camera, Stan!Copy !req
45. Aw, Jesus Christ!Copy !req
46. Oh, neat-o!Copy !req
47. It's one of those Peruvian pan flute bands!Copy !req
48. Stan, go out and stand with
'em, I can get a shot.Copy !req
49. I will play this card to
move Kyle back seven spaces.Copy !req
50. Screw you, Kyle.Copy !req
51. And, all right, your turn, Kenny.Copy !req
52. You guys, you guys, check this out!Copy !req
53. I saw another Peruvian flute bandCopy !req
54. outside my house last night!Copy !req
55. So?Copy !req
56. So I just sat there
and watched them for a while.Copy !req
57. Guess how much money they madeCopy !req
58. selling their crappy C.D.s?Copy !req
59. - How much?
- Over 200 bucks.Copy !req
60. $200?Copy !req
61. Really, are you sure?Copy !req
62. Yeah, dude!
I'm starting to realizeCopy !req
63. it's like the easiest job
in the world, y'know?Copy !req
64. I mean, we could that!Copy !req
65. Become a Peruvian flute band?Copy !req
66. Yeah, why not?Copy !req
67. We get some instruments
and some costumes,Copy !req
68. and then make some crappy
pan flute music C.D.s on my computer.Copy !req
69. Oh, my God!Copy !req
70. We are gonna make so much
fucking money, you guys.Copy !req
71. - Teah!
- Woo-hoo!Copy !req
72. But where are we gonna get the moneyCopy !req
73. to buy costumes and instruments?Copy !req
74. Craig, dude,
how you doing, bro?Copy !req
75. Fine.Copy !req
76. Cool, awesome!Copy !req
77. Um, Craig, remember you were tellin' usCopy !req
78. how your Grandma gave you
100 bucks for your birthday?Copy !req
79. Yeah.Copy !req
80. Craig, how would you like to
turn that $100 into $1,000?Copy !req
81. Come on in, Craig, have a seat!Copy !req
82. Welcome!Copy !req
83. What do you guys want?Copy !req
84. Craig, we have chosen you to join ourCopy !req
85. Peruvian flute band!Copy !req
86. All right, Craig!Copy !req
87. You mean like those guys you see at allCopy !req
88. the tourist spots?Copy !req
89. There's a reason they're
everywhere, Craig.Copy !req
90. Because they make bank!Copy !req
91. We just need your money
to buy some instrumentsCopy !req
92. and make some C.D.s.Copy !req
93. And we'll double your money
in one afternoon, Craig.Copy !req
94. You guys never hang out with me,Copy !req
95. you never invite me to do stuff,Copy !req
96. but now you want me
to be in a band with youCopy !req
97. because my Grandma gave me $100.Copy !req
98. Craig, don't be an asshole.Copy !req
99. I'll go get the money.Copy !req
100. All right, guys, just like we rehearsed it!Copy !req
101. You ready, Craig?Copy !req
102. All right, let's jam!Copy !req
103. And-a-one,
and-a-two, and a—Copy !req
104. Wow, that's such cultural music!Copy !req
105. Very cultural, yes!Copy !req
106. Por favor,
buy our C.D.s de musica.Copy !req
107. Gracias.Copy !req
108. How cultural!Copy !req
109. This is awesome!Copy !req
110. You see, Craig?Copy !req
111. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
112. Hey, you guys can't play here,
we were here first!Copy !req
113. No trabajar aqui!Copy !req
114. Vaya!Copy !req
115. No playa la musica
en la promenade!Copy !req
116. No es bueno!Copy !req
117. This is our Peruvian flute
band's turf, you got that?Copy !req
118. Goddamn it!Copy !req
119. No, no, es bueno!Copy !req
120. Come on, guys!Copy !req
121. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
122. No, no es bueno!Copy !req
123. No trabajar aqui!Copy !req
124. Ladies and gentlemen,
our nation and our worldCopy !req
125. is facing an economic
and ecological crisisCopy !req
126. of disastrous proportions.Copy !req
127. I'm talking, of course,
about Peruvian flute bands.Copy !req
128. the red dots indicate where
the highest concentrationsCopy !req
129. of Peruvian flute bands are.Copy !req
130. All over the world, wherever
there are tourists or shoppers,Copy !req
131. there are now, on average,Copy !req
132. 65 Peruvian flute bands
per square kilometer.Copy !req
133. General?Copy !req
134. France, Japan,Copy !req
135. and the northeastern United StatesCopy !req
136. are currently the hardest hit.Copy !req
137. Make no mistake, this is
a pan-flute epidemic.Copy !req
138. A "pandemic" ?Copy !req
139. Three countries in Asia
and seven in EuropeCopy !req
140. have already asked for our helpCopy !req
141. in getting rid of their
Peruvian flute bands.Copy !req
142. We will need every resource
available to see this through.Copy !req
143. Excuse me, but aid other countries?Copy !req
144. Senator?Copy !req
145. With all due respect,
we need to be dealing withCopy !req
146. our own pan-flute bands.Copy !req
147. Let other countries
fend for themselves.Copy !req
148. You heartless bastard.Copy !req
149. This country was founded on beliefsCopy !req
150. in freedom and integrity.Copy !req
151. And we will not sit back and do nothingCopy !req
152. while less-fortunate countriesCopy !req
153. are ravaged by Peruvian flute bands.Copy !req
154. Is that clear!Copy !req
155. As director of homeland securityCopy !req
156. I am taking control of the militaryCopy !req
157. until the crisis is contained.Copy !req
158. Go, go!Copy !req
159. Ha!Copy !req
160. Serves you right, assholes!Copy !req
161. - Come on, let's go!
- Let's go! Move out!Copy !req
162. One more over here!Copy !req
163. Let's go, get 'em out!Copy !req
164. Clear out, move!Copy !req
165. This is a homeland-security
operation, people!Copy !req
166. Let's go!Copy !req
167. Hey, back off!Copy !req
168. Make sure all pan-flute music
C.D.s are contained!Copy !req
169. There's Sharon and Shelley.Copy !req
170. They're watching some television.Copy !req
171. Wave to the camera, Shelley!Copy !req
172. What are you watchin', guys?Copy !req
173. The news.Copy !req
174. Huh?Copy !req
175. We're watching the news.Copy !req
176. That's the TV in our living room.Copy !req
177. Still showing commercials right now.Copy !req
178. What do you think about
the television, Shelley?Copy !req
179. Oh, the news is starting!Copy !req
180. The government efforts to stop
the Peruvian flute-band crisisCopy !req
181. are now in their third day.Copy !req
182. In cities all over the world,Copy !req
183. flute bands have been removed
and quarantined,Copy !req
184. but more may still be out there.Copy !req
185. Homeland security is requesting thatCopy !req
186. if you see a Peruvian flute band,Copy !req
187. do not approach it.Copy !req
188. Mark down the flute band's locationCopy !req
189. and do not, under any
circumstances,Copy !req
190. buy their C.D.s.Copy !req
191. The flute bands that
have been containedCopy !req
192. are being taken to
a quarantine area in Miami.Copy !req
193. Excuse us!
Hello?Copy !req
194. Excuse me, Sir?Copy !req
195. Sir, there's been a misunderstanding.Copy !req
196. Could I talk to you for a minute?Copy !req
197. Sir?Copy !req
198. Sir, could we talk to
you for just a second?Copy !req
199. Get back!Copy !req
200. I'm not buying any of your damn C.D.s!Copy !req
201. No, Sir, there's been
a big misunderstanding,Copy !req
202. we actually aren't a—Copy !req
203. I said I'm not buying any
Goddamn C.D.s today!Copy !req
204. You got that?Copy !req
205. I'm sick of it!Copy !req
206. Senor, comprar C.D. la musica?Copy !req
207. Jesus Christ, he fucking shot that guy!Copy !req
208. "Hey, Craig, you know that moneyCopy !req
209. "your Grandma gave you for your birthday?Copy !req
210. "How would you like to invest inCopy !req
211. "a Peruvian flute band?Copy !req
212. "you can double your money
in one afternoon.Copy !req
213. Come on, Craig, don't be an asshole."Copy !req
214. Attention, Peruvian flute bands.Copy !req
215. Atenciones, bandas de flauta Peru.Copy !req
216. We appreciate your
cooperation and patience.Copy !req
217. Cooporacion y paciencia es apreciado.Copy !req
218. Tomorrow, you will be boarding ships...Copy !req
219. Manana, sera el embarque de barcos...Copy !req
220. which will take you to Guantanamo Bay...Copy !req
221. que le llevara a bahia Guantanamo...Copy !req
222. where you will spend the rest of your lives.Copy !req
223. donde pasar el resto de sus vidas.Copy !req
224. Gracias!Copy !req
225. Guantanamo Bay?Copy !req
226. We can't go to Guantanamo Bay!Copy !req
227. Don't worry, you guys.Copy !req
228. I'm sure our parents are
freaking out right now trying to find us.Copy !req
229. Please, Mr. and Mrs. Tucker,
our boys were last seenCopy !req
230. hanging out with your son Craig.Copy !req
231. Do you have any idea where
they could have gone?Copy !req
232. No, I'm telling you,
this isn't like Craig at all.Copy !req
233. I'm really worried!Copy !req
234. You've checked with the police?Copy !req
235. Nobody knows anything.Copy !req
236. It's like the boys just vanished.Copy !req
237. None of the other kids
have seen them since the—Copy !req
238. Randy, will you put that thing down?Copy !req
239. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
240. Our son is missing!Copy !req
241. Hey, I'm worried about him too, Sharon.Copy !req
242. Well, then stop being an idiot and help!Copy !req
243. Maybe the boys all ran away.Copy !req
244. Were any of your boys
upset about anything?Copy !req
245. All we know is they were
seen hanging out with CraigCopy !req
246. and now they're gone.Copy !req
247. This is exactly why I told KyleCopy !req
248. not to hang around their boy!Copy !req
249. What is that supposed to mean?Copy !req
250. To be honest, Mrs. Tucker,Copy !req
251. we think Craig is a bad
influence on our boys.Copy !req
252. Now wait just a minute!Copy !req
253. I'm just saying that your
son has some problems—Copy !req
254. Like every kid doesn't
have some problems!Copy !req
255. Obviously, Craig has gotten them
into some kind of trouble!Copy !req
256. Oh, my God!Copy !req
257. O-ho, this is good!Copy !req
258. Sir, good news.Copy !req
259. Looks like we did it.Copy !req
260. Every major city is reporting
zero Peruvian flute bands.Copy !req
261. We got em all.Copy !req
262. Calm down, people,
we still have work to do.Copy !req
263. We have to take out the place
these flute bands came fromCopy !req
264. so they never come again!Copy !req
265. We don't know where they came from, Sir.Copy !req
266. We've been researching,
but we can't figure it out.Copy !req
267. Well, think about it, idiot.Copy !req
268. Where else would Peruvian
flute bands come from?Copy !req
269. Hmm.Copy !req
270. The country is in the name!Copy !req
271. No, Sir, we checked the entire map.Copy !req
272. There isn't a country
called "Peruvian" anywhere.Copy !req
273. Not Peruvian, retards!
Peru!Copy !req
274. It's right here!Copy !req
275. Peru...Copy !req
276. Now, I want a plan in place
to take out Peru once and for all.Copy !req
277. Is that really necessary, Sir?Copy !req
278. It seems a little extreme.Copy !req
279. Yeah.Copy !req
280. Peruvian flute bands will
never stop annoying usCopy !req
281. unless they are stopped at the source!Copy !req
282. Sir, you better come quick.Copy !req
283. One of the pan-flute bands
was caught trying to escape.Copy !req
284. See?
Goddamn it!Copy !req
285. The Llama Brothers:
Tapas and Moodscapes.Copy !req
286. This is a mistake, Sir.Copy !req
287. We aren't really a Peruvian flute band.Copy !req
288. Right.Copy !req
289. You just play pan-flute music at the mallCopy !req
290. and sell C.D.s of you with a llama,Copy !req
291. but you're not a Peruvian flute band.Copy !req
292. We— we're just kids, you know?Copy !req
293. We were just trying to make some money.Copy !req
294. We just wanna go home!Copy !req
295. Sir, please.Copy !req
296. I'm supposed to get laid for
the first time on Saturday.Copy !req
297. Which tourist location
were they playing at?Copy !req
298. An outdoor mall in Colorado.Copy !req
299. Look, we're from Colorado.Copy !req
300. We— we grew up in the United States!Copy !req
301. We speak english!Copy !req
302. And we're white!Copy !req
303. Let me talk to you guys out here.Copy !req
304. Well, what do you think?Copy !req
305. I don't know what to make of it, Sir.Copy !req
306. It's like nothing I've ever seen before.Copy !req
307. Clearly they are a Peruvian flute bandCopy !req
308. and yet they aren't.Copy !req
309. They play pan-flute music like the others,Copy !req
310. but they talk and act like one of us.Copy !req
311. I agree.Copy !req
312. They're obviously some kind of hybrid.Copy !req
313. A hybrid?Copy !req
314. How is that possible?Copy !req
315. Perhaps a Peruvian flute bandCopy !req
316. mated with one of our females—
who knows?Copy !req
317. Well, however they came to be,Copy !req
318. they're about the only piece
of good luck we've had.Copy !req
319. Sir?Copy !req
320. If they are the hybrid we're talking about,Copy !req
321. then they could be
our way of taking out PeruCopy !req
322. once and for all.Copy !req
323. Do you guys know why
nobody else at schoolCopy !req
324. likes hanging out with you?Copy !req
325. Because you're always doing stuff like this.Copy !req
326. You're always coming up
with some stupid ideaCopy !req
327. to do something,
and then it backfiresCopy !req
328. and then you end up in
some foreign countryCopy !req
329. or in outer space or something.Copy !req
330. That's why no one likes
hanging out with you guys.Copy !req
331. You're being extremely negative, Craig.Copy !req
332. All right, here's the deal.Copy !req
333. Maybe you are on our side
and maybe you aren't,Copy !req
334. but if you help us, we'll get you home.Copy !req
335. Help you how?Copy !req
336. You're able to walk amongst
the Peruvian flute bands.Copy !req
337. They see you as one of them.Copy !req
338. We are going to send you to their capitol.Copy !req
339. Can we please just go home, Sir?Copy !req
340. We still don't know whose side you're on!Copy !req
341. You do this and we'll know.Copy !req
342. You leave for Peru in the morning.Copy !req
343. No, no, I'm not going to Peru!Copy !req
344. - Not Peru!
- Kyle, calm down.Copy !req
345. You know I can't go there, Stan!Copy !req
346. One of our friends was raped in Peru.Copy !req
347. It was very traumatic.Copy !req
348. You don't have a choice!Copy !req
349. Either you go to Peru,Copy !req
350. or you get locked up forever
with the other flute bands.Copy !req
351. Thompson, can you come over here?Copy !req
352. The flute band players
won't shut up about somethingCopy !req
353. and I can't understand them.Copy !req
354. Por favor, no podemos ir!Copy !req
355. Estamos aqui para
proteger a ustedes!Copy !req
356. - Si, no podemos ir!
- Que son protectores.Copy !req
357. They're saying something like,Copy !req
358. "You can't send us away,
we are the protectors."Copy !req
359. Protectors from what?Copy !req
360. La muerte peluda!Copy !req
361. What does that mean?Copy !req
362. I think he said, "the furry death."Copy !req
363. La muerte peluda!Copy !req
364. This is CNN.Copy !req
365. The last of the Peruvian flute bandsCopy !req
366. have successfully been eradicatedCopy !req
367. from every part of the world.Copy !req
368. Paul Harris is at the shopping promenade,Copy !req
369. and, Paul, pretty nice not having anyCopy !req
370. Peruvian flute music there I suspect?Copy !req
371. Really welcome silence, Tom.Copy !req
372. There hasn't been
a Peruvian pan-flute bandCopy !req
373. in sight for days nowCopy !req
374. and everyone is really
enjoying the peace.Copy !req
375. The world can breathe a
collective sigh of relief now,Copy !req
376. as we thank the...Copy !req
377. What the...Copy !req
378. Oh, my God!Copy !req
379. - Jesus Christ!Copy !req
380. There's— there's something else here!Copy !req
381. It's not a Peruvian flute band, it's—Copy !req
382. Oh, my God, what is that thing?Copy !req
383. Paul, what are you seeing?Copy !req
384. It's furry!
It's very furry!Copy !req
385. Okay, obviously something
different has shown up.Copy !req
386. Did he say "furry" ?Copy !req
387. Okay, uh, we're experiencing some—Copy !req
388. Oh, my God, what is that thing?Copy !req
389. All right, we're about
800 kilometers from Peru.Copy !req
390. There'll be a truck to take
you inside the borderCopy !req
391. where you'll be briefed
on mission specifics.Copy !req
392. Was there ever a momentCopy !req
393. when you guys first came up withCopy !req
394. the genius plan to become
a Peruvian flute bandCopy !req
395. that any of you said,Copy !req
396. "Hey, you know, this plan might backfire" ?Copy !req
397. No, that never occurs to you,Copy !req
398. because you guys are jerksCopy !req
399. and you never learn from your mistakes.Copy !req
400. And that's why everyone at school
thinks you guys are assholes.Copy !req
401. That's not true!Copy !req
402. Kids at school like us—
don't they?Copy !req
403. Yeah, dude, kids at school totally like us.Copy !req
404. Craig's just being a dickCopy !req
405. because we're having
a tough time right now.Copy !req
406. I'm being a dick?Copy !req
407. Yes!Copy !req
408. You guys took my birthday money,Copy !req
409. got me arrested and sent to
Miami with no way homeCopy !req
410. except to take down the country of Peru,Copy !req
411. and I'm being a dick.Copy !req
412. There's no talking to this guy.Copy !req
413. All right, fine, Craig.Copy !req
414. When we get back home,
we'll get you your money backCopy !req
415. and we'll never talk to you again—
how's that?Copy !req
416. That would be great, thank you.Copy !req
417. This is wrong.Copy !req
418. This just doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
419. Why would homeland security
send us into Peru?Copy !req
420. Because they were starting
to take over the world?Copy !req
421. I don't know, it just feels likeCopy !req
422. there's got to be something
else going on here.Copy !req
423. Please, I don't know where else to turn.Copy !req
424. The police haven't been any help.Copy !req
425. I think our boys might really
be in trouble this time.Copy !req
426. Yes, yes.Copy !req
427. Please check and call me right back.Copy !req
428. Thank you.Copy !req
429. Randy, I swear to God,Copy !req
430. if you don't put that thing away—Copy !req
431. Sharon, you're gonna be really glad I haveCopy !req
432. all this footage of the family some day.Copy !req
433. I mean it, Randy, that's enough!Copy !req
434. You don't have to videotape every single—Copy !req
435. What the hell was that?Copy !req
436. Oh, my God!Copy !req
437. Something's going on outside.Copy !req
438. Stay here!Copy !req
439. What's going on, Dad?Copy !req
440. Get back to your room, Shelley!Copy !req
441. What's going on?Copy !req
442. They're all over the place!Copy !req
443. What are?Copy !req
444. They're really furry!Copy !req
445. What did that?Copy !req
446. What is that thing?Copy !req
447. Mr. Marsh, you have to move!Copy !req
448. It isn't safe to be here!Copy !req
449. Oh, my God!Copy !req
450. Go, go, go!
Go back the other way!Copy !req
451. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.Copy !req
452. Oh, God...Copy !req
453. I'm... I'm so startled.Copy !req
454. Oh, my God!Copy !req
455. Ahghghgh!Copy !req
456. Sir, we've got a bigger problem.Copy !req
457. Oh?Copy !req
458. And what might that be?Copy !req
459. New reports are coming in from
cities all over the world.Copy !req
460. Word of massive destruction and deathCopy !req
461. by what appear to be...Copy !req
462. Guinea pigs?Copy !req
463. Yes, Sir, how did you know?Copy !req
464. You were so close to figuring it all out, Davis,Copy !req
465. did you know that?Copy !req
466. Sir?Copy !req
467. I really thought you had me in Miami,Copy !req
468. but you just couldn't quite
put the pieces together.Copy !req
469. You— you... knew this was going to happen?Copy !req
470. Oh, this is only the beginning, Davis,Copy !req
471. and I can't let you interfere.Copy !req
472. Bwahahhgghh!Copy !req
473. Ahghghghghghghgh!Copy !req
474. Sorry, my friend,Copy !req
475. but I've worked too hard
to make all this happen.Copy !req
476. The pan-flute bands are
on their way to their deaths,Copy !req
477. the guinea pigs are rising,Copy !req
478. and the only person who
could have stopped all thisCopy !req
479. is on his way to the middle of nowhere.Copy !req