1. Aghghgh...Copy !req
2. Ahghghghggh...Copy !req
3. Well, there's no doubt about it.Copy !req
4. Those tonsils need to come out.Copy !req
5. What?Copy !req
6. What exactly does that entail, doctor?Copy !req
7. It's a very simple operation.Copy !req
8. We'll just put you to sleep, Eric,Copy !req
9. and when you wake up,
you'll be tonsil-free.Copy !req
10. No, no way.Copy !req
11. I'm not going to the hospital, Mom!Copy !req
12. Oh, I thought you were a tough kid.Copy !req
13. You're not scared of hospitals, are you?Copy !req
14. No, I'm not scared.Copy !req
15. I just... I don't want my
tonsils out, that's all.Copy !req
16. Well, then I guess you
don't want all the ice creamCopy !req
17. you get after the surgery either.Copy !req
18. Ice cream?Copy !req
19. Be a shame to have to give all
that free ice creamCopy !req
20. to the big boys who aren't
scared of the hospitals.Copy !req
21. What do ya say, champ?Copy !req
22. Think you can tough it out?Copy !req
23. Well...Copy !req
24. you did say free ice cream?Copy !req
25. Poopsykins... wake up.Copy !req
26. Wake up, honey.Copy !req
27. Ugh...Copy !req
28. It's... it's over?Copy !req
29. That's right, you did it, poopsykins.Copy !req
30. It's over.Copy !req
31. I didn't feel anything!Copy !req
32. You were right, Mom!Copy !req
33. I'm so proud of you, Eric.Copy !req
34. All right, so where's my ice cream?Copy !req
35. Oh, here's the doctor now!Copy !req
36. Hi, doctor.Copy !req
37. You were right, doctor.Copy !req
38. Everything is okay.Copy !req
39. No, it's not.Copy !req
40. Eric, I'm afraid that we've
accidentally infected youCopy !req
41. with the AIDS virus.Copy !req
42. What?Copy !req
43. What's that supposed to mean?Copy !req
44. During the tonsil surgery,
we had to supply you with donor blood.Copy !req
45. A mistake was made and you were given
blood contaminated with H.I.V.Copy !req
46. It was a one-in-a-billion fluke.Copy !req
47. I have AIDS?Copy !req
48. Not yet, but we've confirmed that you
now have the virus that causes AIDS.Copy !req
49. We are very sorry.Copy !req
50. Sorry?Copy !req
51. You gave me AIDS and you're sorry?Copy !req
52. Oh, my poor little baby!Copy !req
53. Mom, you said nothing would go wrong!Copy !req
54. Oh, God!
Oh, no!Copy !req
55. No, no, this is a joke, right?Copy !req
56. This is a joke!
I can't have AIDS!Copy !req
57. We are going to do
everything in our powerCopy !req
58. to make this up to you, Eric.Copy !req
59. For starters, I think I owe
you some ice cream.Copy !req
60. Fuck your ice cream!Copy !req
61. You said I'd be fine!Copy !req
62. You all said I'd be fine!Copy !req
63. Woaa-oh oooooh!Copy !req
64. Oh, my baby has H.I.V.. !Copy !req
65. No!Copy !req
66. Noooooo!Copy !req
67. Thank you for coming, everyone.Copy !req
68. Boys, please take a seat.Copy !req
69. What's going on?
Are we in trouble?Copy !req
70. Boys, the reason we called you all inCopy !req
71. is because one of your
friends has a serious illness.Copy !req
72. Eric Cartman has
been diagnosed with H.I.V.Copy !req
73. - What?
- Oh, no.Copy !req
74. He's been to several specialists
since a botched blood transfusion.Copy !req
75. The disease is in very early stages
and completely manageable,Copy !req
76. but he's naturally a bit scared.Copy !req
77. Cartman has H.I.V. ?Copy !req
78. We need everyone to understand
that you can't get the virus from Eric.Copy !req
79. You can still give him
hugs and even kisses.Copy !req
80. Don't be afraid of him, just—Copy !req
81. Excuse me.Copy !req
82. Eric Cartman has H.I.V.Copy !req
83. All right, we're gonna bring Eric in now,Copy !req
84. and let's all be as supportive as we canCopy !req
85. and show him lots of love, okay?Copy !req
86. Eric, come on in.
Your friends all want to say hi, m'kay?Copy !req
87. - Hi, Eric!
- Hey there, Eric!Copy !req
88. No... way.Copy !req
89. How ya doin', Eric?Copy !req
90. You know, I think you're
a real special little guy.Copy !req
91. And even though you have AIDS,Copy !req
92. I ain't gonna act any different towards you.Copy !req
93. Goddamn it, this sucks ass!Copy !req
94. Excuse me, I have to step out for a minute.Copy !req
95. Poor ol' Kyle, he's really taking it hard.Copy !req
96. Is Kyle laughing out there?Copy !req
97. This isn't a time for funny jokes!
I'm gonna die!Copy !req
98. No, you're not going to die, Eric.Copy !req
99. AIDS isn't as big a deal as it used to be.Copy !req
100. There are advances in treatment—Copy !req
101. Not a big deal?Copy !req
102. Is that how everyone feels?Copy !req
103. People need to understand
the seriousness of this illness,Copy !req
104. and the bravery of the people
who struggle with it!Copy !req
105. We are here tonight to salute
the bravery and the courageCopy !req
106. of one very special little boyCopy !req
107. who is living with H.I.V.Copy !req
108. Where the hell is everybody?Copy !req
109. Excuse me, shouldn't we
wait for everyone to arriveCopy !req
110. before we get started?Copy !req
111. This is everyone.Copy !req
112. We didn't sell that many tickets.Copy !req
113. Great benefit, Eric!Copy !req
114. The Italian meatballs are f-f-f-fantastic!Copy !req
115. So this is it?Copy !req
116. I'm afraid AIDS benefits
aren't as popular as they used to be.Copy !req
117. AIDS was more the '80s/'90s disease.Copy !req
118. It's all about cancer now.Copy !req
119. Well, that's just great!Copy !req
120. Of all the times to get AIDS,Copy !req
121. I get it right when
everyone stops giving a crap!Copy !req
122. With all of your help,Copy !req
123. we have raised over
$17.00 for AIDS tonight,Copy !req
124. and that money will certainly go towards
helping little Eric Martman.Copy !req
125. Just bring out Elton John already!Copy !req
126. Uh, we're sorry, Elton couldn't make it.Copy !req
127. He had to play at a cancer benefit.Copy !req
128. It's all right, we got somebody better.Copy !req
129. Jimmy Buffett!Copy !req
130. Jimmy Buffett?Copy !req
131. Hello, everyone.Copy !req
132. I wrote this song for a very brave little boy.Copy !req
133. Nobody likes Jimmy Buffett
except for frat boysCopy !req
134. and alcoholic chicks from the south!Copy !req
135. How are we all feeling tonight?Copy !req
136. Fuck you, Jimmy Buffett!Copy !req
137. You fucking suck!Copy !req
138. Oh, poopsykins, be nice.Copy !req
139. Fuck you, Mom.
I have fucking AIDS!Copy !req
140. Hey, guys... thanks a lot for coming to
my AIDS benefit yesterday.Copy !req
141. Oh, dude, was that yesterday?
We forgot.Copy !req
142. Yeah, you forgot.Copy !req
143. Just like a lot of people lately have forgot
that AIDS is still killing people.Copy !req
144. Seems like all ofAmerica has forgot
that H.I.V. is a serious disease.Copy !req
145. Well, did Elton John sing a song for you?Copy !req
146. No, as a matter of fact,
Jimmy Buffett came instead.Copy !req
147. Oh, yeah, it's real fucking funny, Kyle!Copy !req
148. I'm sorry...
I'm— I'm really—Copy !req
149. Cartman, I feel really bad for you.
Honestly.Copy !req
150. - No you don't!
- I do.Copy !req
151. If you really felt bad, you'd wipe that
fucking smirk off your face!Copy !req
152. Well, any Goddamned second, Kyle!Copy !req
153. I'm sorry, I gotta go home.Copy !req
154. Jesus Christ, can you believe that asshole?Copy !req
155. He does feel bad for you, Cartman.Copy !req
156. He just thinks it's... ironic.Copy !req
157. Ironic how?Copy !req
158. Y'know, you're always such
a dick and stuff and now—Copy !req
159. Oh, and what, I deserve it?Copy !req
160. Is that what you think?Copy !req
161. Not me!
That's just kind of what he thinks.Copy !req
162. Nobody deserves this illness,
Stan, Kenny— nobody!Copy !req
163. It's awful!Copy !req
164. And maybe somebody needs to teach Kyle
how to have some compassion.Copy !req
165. Ugh, okay... it's clear.Copy !req
166. All right, get that rope ready to hoist me.Copy !req
167. Okay, but what are you going to do?Copy !req
168. Kyle thinks that H.I.V. is funny,Copy !req
169. so we're gonna make him look funny,Copy !req
170. and then he'll know how
it feels to be laughed at.Copy !req
171. I just— I don't know if I should be
helping you make Kyle look silly.Copy !req
172. Butters, helping people who have AIDSCopy !req
173. is one of the most
important things you can do.Copy !req
174. I know, but are you sure Kyle
has to be taught a lesson?Copy !req
175. I'm not just sure, Butters,Copy !req
176. I'm H.I.V. positive.Copy !req
177. Oh, yeah, I guess that's true.Copy !req
178. All right, now get the rope up over
that third rafter above the window—Copy !req
179. that's the easiest access.Copy !req
180. Wow, you really know what you're doing.Copy !req
181. Yeah, I sneak into Kyle's room lots of times.Copy !req
182. You think H.I.V. is something
to be laughed at, Kyle?Copy !req
183. Well...Copy !req
184. let's just see how funny it is now, asshole.Copy !req
185. Ugh, ugh— wha?Copy !req
186. Ahh, ahh.Copy !req
187. There, there, boobie,
you'll be okay.Copy !req
188. Oh, doctor, did you find anything?
Is it strep?Copy !req
189. No, it isn't strep.Copy !req
190. Oh, well, that's a relief.Copy !req
191. Mrs. Broflovski, has your son ever had
a blood transfusion?Copy !req
192. No, why?Copy !req
193. Little boy...Copy !req
194. Have you been having
unprotected anal sex?Copy !req
195. What?-- No!Copy !req
196. Doctor, what are you saying?Copy !req
197. We've run every test imaginable.Copy !req
198. Little Kyle here is infected with H.I.V.Copy !req
199. - What?
- H.I.V. ?Copy !req
200. It took us a long time to narrow it down,Copy !req
201. but there is no doubt.Copy !req
202. No, that's impossible!Copy !req
203. Little boy, are you sure you haven'tCopy !req
204. taken it up the hoo-hoo
just once or twice?Copy !req
205. No!Copy !req
206. No, Goddamn it, no!Copy !req
207. I'm telling you, you're wrong!Copy !req
208. There's no way I can have H.I.V.
Unless maybe...Copy !req
209. Oh, my God.
That son of a bitch!Copy !req
210. Kyle... Kyle!Copy !req
211. Pass me the ball.Copy !req
212. Pass me the ball, Craig,
you stupid asshole!Copy !req
213. Ugugh!Copy !req
214. Kyle, what the "f"?Copy !req
215. I'm gonna kill you, Cartman!Copy !req
216. Kyle, what?Copy !req
217. What did he do?Copy !req
218. Why do I have H.I.V.?Copy !req
219. Oh.Copy !req
220. Oh, you have H.I.V. huh, Kyle?Copy !req
221. Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?Copy !req
222. - What did you do?
- Nothing!Copy !req
223. Then why did Butters say he helped youCopy !req
224. sneak into my room last Friday night?Copy !req
225. Oh, nice, Butters, you big tattletale!Copy !req
226. Tattletale?Copy !req
227. Do you know how serious this is?Copy !req
228. Well, Kyle, maybe I was just
trying to prove a—Copy !req
229. Ahh!Copy !req
230. Ahghgghghh!
Kyle!Copy !req
231. Hate you, hate you!Copy !req
232. Hey, hey, that's enough!Copy !req
233. Break it up, m'kay!Copy !req
234. Break it up!Copy !req
235. M'kay... m'kay!Copy !req
236. All right, boys, now what
is this fighting all about?Copy !req
237. He gave me AIDS!Copy !req
238. What?Copy !req
239. He purposely infected me
with his H.I.V. virus!Copy !req
240. Is that true, Eric?Copy !req
241. Did you give Kyle AIDS?Copy !req
242. Well, he was being a total dickCopy !req
243. and then he's a big tattletale,Copy !req
244. going around and talking
crap about me.Copy !req
245. Did you infect Kyle
with the H.I.V. virus—Copy !req
246. Yes or no?Copy !req
247. Kind of.Copy !req
248. Eric, that is not appropriate
behavior, m'kay?Copy !req
249. You cannot purposely infect
other kids with your disease.Copy !req
250. That's right.Copy !req
251. I think you owe Kyle an apology.Copy !req
252. I'm sorry.Copy !req
253. An apology?Copy !req
254. You're sorry for what, Eric?Copy !req
255. I'm sorry for
giving you AIDS, Kyle.Copy !req
256. That's better.Copy !req
257. And now, Kyle, maybe you should also
admit you were wrong for tattling.Copy !req
258. What?Copy !req
259. Kyle the thing about tattling is...Copy !req
260. tattling's bad, m'kay,Copy !req
261. because nobody likes a tattletale, m'kay.Copy !req
262. A tattletale?Copy !req
263. He infected me with AIDS!Copy !req
264. See, he's tattling again.Copy !req
265. He's hasn't learned a thing, you guys.Copy !req
266. Well, Kyle, I guess we're even now.Copy !req
267. Should we just call it a truce?Copy !req
268. Kyle, should we call
it even-stevens now?Copy !req
269. Kyle, where are you going?Copy !req
270. I am going to break
everything that you own.Copy !req
271. What is that supposed to mean?Copy !req
272. Kyle?Copy !req
273. Kyle, Kyle, no!Copy !req
274. I apologized, Kyle!Copy !req
275. Kyle!Copy !req
276. Kyle, hold on, you asshole!Copy !req
277. Agghhhh!Copy !req
278. What the fuck are you doing?Copy !req
279. Kyle, stop it!Copy !req
280. Goddamn it, don't!Copy !req
281. No, Kyle, not Clyde Frog!Copy !req
282. Leave Clyde Frog alone!Copy !req
283. No, ahgghgh, Clyde Frog!Copy !req
284. Clyde Frog—Copy !req
285. No, no, not the Xbox,
Kyle, not the— wait!Copy !req
286. Just wait a second!Copy !req
287. I'm sorry I gave you H.I.V. all right?Copy !req
288. Just give me a chance and I can cure you.Copy !req
289. There is no cure, you asshole!Copy !req
290. No, no, listen, Kyle, I'm onto something.Copy !req
291. There really is hope.Copy !req
292. What hope?Copy !req
293. Break my Xbox and you'll never know.Copy !req
294. - You're lying.
- No, no!Copy !req
295. All right, Kyle,
Magic Johnson, Kyle!Copy !req
296. The key is Magic Johnson.Copy !req
297. Magic johnson?Copy !req
298. He was a basketball player.Copy !req
299. So what?Copy !req
300. So he got H.I.V. like 50 years agoCopy !req
301. and he's still totally fine.Copy !req
302. Magic Johnson has some kind of
resistance to the virus, Kyle.Copy !req
303. I've been researching it
since I got infected.Copy !req
304. If we can track him downCopy !req
305. and isolate his genetic prototype,Copy !req
306. we have a chance
of beating this thing, buddy.Copy !req
307. You and me, Kyle.Copy !req
308. We can overcome our illness.Copy !req
309. I swear it to you.Copy !req
310. You better.Copy !req
311. Because if you don't
find a cure for H.I.V.Copy !req
312. I will break your Xbox.Copy !req
313. My God.Copy !req
314. The white zone is for immediate
loading and unloading...Copy !req
315. We need two tickets to Los Angeles
as soon as possible.Copy !req
316. Los Angeles...
okay, I have a 2:00 flight.Copy !req
317. That would be... $400 each.Copy !req
318. Uh, Sir, you don't understand.Copy !req
319. We have to see Magic
Johnson right away.Copy !req
320. You see... we have AIDS.Copy !req
321. AIDS?Copy !req
322. Wow, that's really... retro.Copy !req
323. But I'm sorry...Copy !req
324. I can't just give away free seats.Copy !req
325. Don't you get it?Copy !req
326. We are two pals,
afflicted with an illnessCopy !req
327. and who only have each other
in a race against time!Copy !req
328. Innocent playful
children who were strickenCopy !req
329. with a deadly disease for no reason.Copy !req
330. Oh, please!
No reason!Copy !req
331. I got AIDS from him!Copy !req
332. Oh, you boys are like that, huh?Copy !req
333. No!Copy !req
334. Are you sure you boys
just don't have any cash?Copy !req
335. We're not just sure, we're H.I.V. positive.Copy !req
336. Uh, we sometimes offer free seats
to cancer patients, but AIDS, I —Copy !req
337. Hey, Mitch, do we
have any AIDS patient policies?Copy !req
338. Forget it, all right!Copy !req
339. We'll use another airline!Copy !req
340. One that cares!Copy !req
341. We're so happy to help
accommodate you brave boys.Copy !req
342. What kind of cancer
did you say you have again?Copy !req
343. Oh, uh, you know, all-over cancer.Copy !req
344. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
345. Yeah, well, at least it's not as
bad as having AIDS!Copy !req
346. AIDS is the worst disease.Copy !req
347. Hmm, I don't know.Copy !req
348. These days, I think I'd rather
have AIDS than cancer.Copy !req
349. No, you wouldn't—Copy !req
350. Look, shouldn't you be serving
people drinks or something?Copy !req
351. Get outta here!Copy !req
352. We're on our way, buddy.Copy !req
353. Magic Johnson, here we come!Copy !req
354. Don't touch me.Copy !req
355. I know, I'm scared too.Copy !req
356. Magic, Magic, could you come
to the front for a minute?Copy !req
357. There are a couple
of boys here to see you.Copy !req
358. Two brave little buddies
who, against all odds,Copy !req
359. have journeyed across America
to find the cure for AIDS.Copy !req
360. All they have is each other
in a race against time.Copy !req
361. Thank you for seeing us,
Mr. Johnson.Copy !req
362. We were hoping that maybe
you have some kind of keyCopy !req
363. that could help us with our disease.Copy !req
364. You boys both have the virus?Copy !req
365. Are you sure?Copy !req
366. We're not just sure, we're H.I.V. positive.Copy !req
367. Will you stop it with that?Copy !req
368. What part of this is funny to you?Copy !req
369. Kyle, we need to try to find—Copy !req
370. What part of being infected
with a deadly diseaseCopy !req
371. do you find funny?Copy !req
372. I don't think it's funny, Kyle.Copy !req
373. Then stop saying you're
"not just sure, you're H.I.V. positive."Copy !req
374. This isn't funny,
AIDS isn't funny,Copy !req
375. dying isn't funny,
so shut the fuck up!Copy !req
376. Well, excuse me, Kyle,Copy !req
377. for trying to keep some
optimism, y'know.Copy !req
378. I mean, sometimes when
things seem their darkest,Copy !req
379. you just need to try and stay...
H.I.V. positive.Copy !req
380. But if you wanna be so
H.I.V. negative all the time—Copy !req
381. Knock it off right now!Copy !req
382. This isn't funny... at all!Copy !req
383. - Are you sure?
- Yes!Copy !req
384. Are you H.I.V. positi—
Ow!Copy !req
385. Ow, fuck, Kyle!Copy !req
386. Boys, the truth is I don't know
why my body is so resistant to the virus.Copy !req
387. I would love to know so
I could help others, but I just don't.Copy !req
388. Well, I've been thinking.Copy !req
389. Maybe there's something
you've come into contact withCopy !req
390. that hinders H.I.V. from growing.Copy !req
391. Do you mind if we just look around?Copy !req
392. Well, not at all.Copy !req
393. The pool is over there,Copy !req
394. where I try to
swim and stay in shape.Copy !req
395. My kitchen is full of pretty healthy food.Copy !req
396. I don't know which thing it is
that keeps my t-cell count high,Copy !req
397. so I try it all.Copy !req
398. But everyone tries that.Copy !req
399. There has to be
something you're exposed toCopy !req
400. that others aren't.Copy !req
401. Could we see where you sleep?Copy !req
402. Sure.Copy !req
403. Just a pretty plain
old ordinary bedroom.Copy !req
404. Dude.Copy !req
405. Oh, yeah, I don't trust banks.Copy !req
406. I sleep with all my money.Copy !req
407. You sleep with money every night?Copy !req
408. Yeah, I like to keep it close—Copy !req
409. you don't think that...Copy !req
410. It's incredible.Copy !req
411. Mitch, these boys
could be onto something.Copy !req
412. Take a look.Copy !req
413. That's a sample of
H.I.V. infected blood.Copy !req
414. You can clearly see the H.I.V. attacking the
white blood cells, right?Copy !req
415. All right, now watch what happens
when we introduce some cash.Copy !req
416. My God!Copy !req
417. The H.I.V. particles are receding!Copy !req
418. The cash does seem to restrain
the H.I.V. cells from stabilizing!Copy !req
419. Now, hold on!Copy !req
420. All the cash is doing is
destabilizing the virus,Copy !req
421. not destroying it.Copy !req
422. Well, look, if being around
lots of cashCopy !req
423. negatively affects the H.I.V.
then maybe—Copy !req
424. Then maybe enough cashCopy !req
425. shot directly into the blood streamCopy !req
426. could kill the virus all together.Copy !req
427. I have enough cash for
all three of us.Copy !req
428. We should give it a try.Copy !req
429. No, no, it's ridiculous.Copy !req
430. We need F.D.A. approvals,
control studies!Copy !req
431. I'm sorry, but this is impossible.Copy !req
432. These boys have shown usCopy !req
433. that a lot of impossible things
can happen!Copy !req
434. Their friendship has conquered
every obstacle inCopy !req
435. their illness-ridden lives.Copy !req
436. Their incredible
friendship has broughtCopy !req
437. a sparkle of hope to our world,
that's for sure.Copy !req
438. Ugh.Copy !req
439. I suppose we could try
to distill Magic's cashCopy !req
440. down to its most highly
concentrated levelCopy !req
441. and try it on one of them.Copy !req
442. But it's very risky.Copy !req
443. Yeah, well, if there's a chance
of being cured of this illness,Copy !req
444. then Kyle is willing to take that risk.Copy !req
445. Let's hope to Christ this works.Copy !req
446. Wait a minute...Copy !req
447. Yes...
Yes, take a look!Copy !req
448. The cash particles have
completely replacedCopy !req
449. all the H.I.V. in Kyle's blood!Copy !req
450. Boys, you've just found the
cure for AIDS!Copy !req
451. All right!Copy !req
452. They've found the cure for AIDS!Copy !req
453. The cure for AIDS!Copy !req
454. What is it?Copy !req
455. Large doses of concentrated cash!Copy !req
456. Get the media on the phone!Copy !req
457. All right!Copy !req
458. Scientists have just discovered
the cure for AIDS:Copy !req
459. about a $180,000 shot directly
into the bloodstream.Copy !req
460. Hey!Copy !req
461. They just found the cure for AIDS!Copy !req
462. You just have to inject
yourself with all your cash!Copy !req
463. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
464. I am pleased to announce thatCopy !req
465. there is no trace of the H.I.V. virusCopy !req
466. in either Kyle Broflovski
or Eric Cartman.Copy !req
467. Together, these boys
beat their illnessCopy !req
468. with nothing but each other,Copy !req
469. and overcoming all odds,Copy !req
470. these two brave friends—Copy !req
471. Oh, stop—
we're not friends!Copy !req
472. He's the one who infected me with AIDS!Copy !req
473. These two brave loversCopy !req
474. found the cure and helped the world.Copy !req
475. And so to honor these boys,
here is...Copy !req
476. Jimmy Buffett!Copy !req
477. What?
Oh, no!Copy !req
478. Agh, Goddamn it!Copy !req
479. Well, I tell you this, Kyle...Copy !req
480. I'm never getting
my tonsils out again!Copy !req
481. Ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
482. I'm still breaking your Xbox.Copy !req
483. What?
No, no!Copy !req
484. Kyle, no!Copy !req