1. I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,Copy !req
2. Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,Copy !req
3. I'm goin out to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,Copy !req
4. Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,Copy !req
5. I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,Copy !req
6. I like girls with big fat titties,
I like girls with really big fat titties,Copy !req
7. So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,Copy !req
8. Well, there's no doubt
in my mind, Mr. Marsh.Copy !req
9. You are constipated.Copy !req
10. Thanks
for the news flash!Copy !req
11. I haven't taken a crap
in over three weeks!Copy !req
12. The question is why?Copy !req
13. - Well, what food have you been eating?
- P.F. Chang's, mostly. Good stuff.Copy !req
14. I'm going
to prescribe a laxative.Copy !req
15. But I must warn you:Copy !req
16. When you do finally pass this stool,
it might be very painful.Copy !req
17. How painful is "painful"?Copy !req
18. Oh God.
Oh, here it comes.Copy !req
19. Whoa, hot! Hot, hot!
Whoa, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!Copy !req
20. Oh, it's over.
It's over.Copy !req
21. Oh God.
I feel so much better.Copy !req
22. Wow.Copy !req
23. That is huge.Copy !req
24. That has got to be the biggest crap
I've ever taken.Copy !req
25. Hey, hey, Sharon.
Sharon, you gotta come see this.Copy !req
26. Sha-Sharon?Copy !req
27. What is it, Randy? Do you have any—
Oh, Randy!Copy !req
28. Will you look at that?Copy !req
29. Is that the biggest crap
you've ever seen or what?Copy !req
30. - Flush the toilet for Christ's sake!
- Come on! That's pretty impressive.Copy !req
31. - Hey Stan! Stan, look at this.
- Randy!Copy !req
32. - Look what your old man made.
- No way!Copy !req
33. Huh? Never seen one
that big, have you?Copy !req
34. No, never.Copy !req
35. Gross, Dad, sick!Copy !req
36. All right, will you
flush the toilet now?Copy !req
37. I'll try,
but I don't think...Copy !req
38. W-Wait a minute.
I gotta call Jimbo first.Copy !req
39. Why?Copy !req
40. He's gotta see this.Copy !req
41. No, we are flushing
the toilet right now—Copy !req
42. No!Copy !req
43. Jimbo has to see itCopy !req
44. so when I tell the guys
how big it was,Copy !req
45. they'll know
I'm not lying!Copy !req
46. - Oh, for the love of God, Randy!
- Sharon, this is important.Copy !req
47. Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo.
I'm gonna stand guard.Copy !req
48. - Hey, guys!
- Hey, Randy.Copy !req
49. - Are you feeling better?
- Yeah, I'm totally fine now.Copy !req
50. You guys shoulda seen the crap
Randy took last night.Copy !req
51. It was honestly,
the biggest crapCopy !req
52. anyone has ever taken.
Ever.Copy !req
53. Well I don't know
about ever...Copy !req
54. I'm telling you this thing was
the size of a freaking football.Copy !req
55. I guess
it was pretty big.Copy !req
56. - A football? That's amazing.
- I've never heard of one that big.Copy !req
57. Oh, my brother took a crap once,
that was enormous.Copy !req
58. It was the biggest in the history
of the world, I think.Copy !req
59. It wasn't bigger
than mine was.Copy !req
60. Oh no, seriously,
this crap was a monster.Copy !req
61. Mine...
Mine was bigger.Copy !req
62. I doubt it.Copy !req
63. You wanna see it?Copy !req
64. Oh my freaking Lord.Copy !req
65. That did not seriously
come out of your ass.Copy !req
66. Oh yes, it did.Copy !req
67. Go ahead and check it for splits.
It's one solid piece.Copy !req
68. Jesus...Copy !req
69. That uh, a little bigger than
your brother's there, Gerald?Copy !req
70. It's... other-worldly.Copy !req
71. Randy, have you called
the peopleCopy !req
72. from Guinness Book of
World Records? I mean...Copy !req
73. this might seriously be
the biggest crap in history.Copy !req
74. That's why I gotta make sure
to keep it safe.Copy !req
75. - Randy Marsh!
- Aw, crap!Copy !req
76. What the hell do you think you're doing
keeping that thing in our house?Copy !req
77. The guys agree, Sharon:
It could be a record holder.Copy !req
78. Why are men so obsessed with
how big their crap is?Copy !req
79. Guinness World Records America.
How can I help you?Copy !req
80. The biggest crap?Copy !req
81. We actually don't
keep track of that record, sir.Copy !req
82. Because we don't want to.Copy !req
83. Look, we get calls
from men all the timeCopy !req
84. who believe they took
the biggest crapCopy !req
85. and we simply can't handle
all the measuring and verification.Copy !req
86. You need to call the
European Fecal StandardsCopy !req
87. and Measurements Office
in Zurich.Copy !req
88. You're welcome.
Jeez, another one.Copy !req
89. Guinness World Records
America.Copy !req
90. Yes, hello.
My name is Randy MarshCopy !req
91. and I believe I took
the world's biggest crap.Copy !req
92. You need to call the
European Fecal StandardsCopy !req
93. and Measurements Office
in Zurich.Copy !req
94. Their number is listed
on their website.Copy !req
95. Herr President,
take a look at this.Copy !req
96. It is a crap sent to us
from the United States.Copy !req
97. Very nice.Copy !req
98. Has it been checked
for accuracy?Copy !req
99. It appears to be legitimate,
based on the photo.Copy !req
100. We estimate that the crap
is over eight and a half Courics!Copy !req
101. We'd better get on a plane.
Right away.Copy !req
102. Hm, enshnusen?Copy !req
103. Verron snusunarich.Copy !req
104. What was your primary diet
for this poo, Mr. Marsh?Copy !req
105. Mostly P.F. Chang's.
General Tsao's Chicken.Copy !req
106. And a lot of Aunt Jemima's Frozen
Sausage Biscuits in the mornings.Copy !req
107. I believe I detect
some cabbage as well?Copy !req
108. Oh yes,
I had a lot of kim chee.Copy !req
109. You have got
to be kidding me.Copy !req
110. These guys are from Zurich, Sharon!
They're Europeans!Copy !req
111. - It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh.
- For the love of God!Copy !req
112. Your crap officially weighs
8.6 Courics.Copy !req
113. Courics?Copy !req
114. The standard measuring unit
for human feces.Copy !req
115. One Katie Couric is approximately
two and a half pounds of excrement.Copy !req
116. The current record is a crap
weighing 7.5 Courics.Copy !req
117. - But that means...
- That's right.Copy !req
118. - You are the new world's champion!
- Really?Copy !req
119. You mean, really?Copy !req
120. Hey, Stan! Hey, Sharon!
Hey, everybody!Copy !req
121. Well, I guess we'd better call
the old championCopy !req
122. and let him know his record
has just been broken.Copy !req
123. He has won twenty-two Grammy's,
countless humanitarian awards...Copy !req
124. and is the only person everCopy !req
125. to be nominated for an Academy Award,
a Golden Globe...Copy !req
126. and the Nobel Peace Prize.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bono!Copy !req
127. Thank you. Thank you so much for
this newest award, it means so much.Copy !req
128. Oh, excuse me. I must be
getting another award.Copy !req
129. - Yes?
- Yes, Bono.Copy !req
130. Sir, we wish to inform youCopy !req
131. that your record for biggest crap
has just been broken.Copy !req
132. What? That's impossible!
How big was it?Copy !req
133. We are here to honor
the first American...Copy !req
134. to bring home
the distinguished EFSM medalCopy !req
135. for biggest crap ever taken.Copy !req
136. Hey look, Sharon, it's the President!
Hey, hey, Sharon!Copy !req
137. To present the award I give you
the dean of the EFSM, Sir Orloff Broloff.Copy !req
138. Thank you, Senator.
For over a hundred years now,Copy !req
139. the European Fecal Standards
and Meas—Copy !req
140. Herr Broloff!
Herr Broloff!Copy !req
141. Das shpoitenhoff?Copy !req
142. Ah ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
143. I understand
we have just receivedCopy !req
144. a special video-taped
announcement from Bono.Copy !req
145. Bono? Cool!Copy !req
146. Could we play the tape
on the big screen, please?Copy !req
147. Hello everyone!
I am Bono.Copy !req
148. For years, it has been my honor to try
and bring focus to the needs in Africa.Copy !req
149. And today,
I have very exciting news.Copy !req
150. Last night, at twenty past eight, I took
a crap weighing nine and a half Courics.Copy !req
151. Bono?Copy !req
152. As you can see, it is one solid piece.
It is my biggest crap to date.Copy !req
153. And I swear to its authenticity.
Thank you, and God bless.Copy !req
154. You heard it,
ladies and gentlemen!Copy !req
155. The official biggest crap
is 9.5 Courics!Copy !req
156. Congratulations to Bono!Copy !req
157. Dad, um... I think
dinner's almost ready.Copy !req
158. I almost did it.Copy !req
159. I almost made
something of myself.Copy !req
160. You know,
when you get real close,Copy !req
161. you start to think that maybe
your life is gonna matter.Copy !req
162. I mean, this was
something I made!Copy !req
163. Something that came from me!
That was a a part of me!Copy !req
164. The only thing I ever made
that was any good.Copy !req
165. - Gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
166. And I just...Copy !req
167. I know that
this late in my life,Copy !req
168. I'll never come so close
to finally having meaning.Copy !req
169. Come on, guys.
Lasagna's ready.Copy !req
170. Oh. Lasagna's ready.Copy !req
171. You hear that, Stan?
Mom says lasagna is ready.Copy !req
172. I can see through
your sarcasm, Sharon!Copy !req
173. - What are you talking about?
- You can say it, Sharon!Copy !req
174. I know
Bono's better than me!Copy !req
175. I'm sorry I'm not Bono,
all right?Copy !req
176. Sorry that I don't have
billions of dollarsCopy !req
177. and a Nobel prize nomination!Copy !req
178. - Randy, this is ridiculous.
- Oh, that's real mature, Sharon!Copy !req
179. Just act like everything's funny!
It's a big joke to you, isn't it?Copy !req
180. Just a big joke!
Don't touch me!Copy !req
181. Can you believe him?Copy !req
182. All this over what guy
took the biggest crap.Copy !req
183. You don't understand, Mom.
You just don't understand.Copy !req
184. Wha? Wha?Copy !req
185. How come they just let that Bono guy
send a picture of his crap?Copy !req
186. Because he's Bono,
that's why.Copy !req
187. But he could have faked it.
It isn't fair!Copy !req
188. Doesn't matter. He's got the record now,
there's nothing I can do.Copy !req
189. Oh yes there is!
You could do it again.Copy !req
190. What?Copy !req
191. Think about it. You weren't even trying
to take the biggest crap last time.Copy !req
192. Imagine if you actually
worked at it!Copy !req
193. Hey. Hey that's right.Copy !req
194. No. I can't go through all that again.
It's too much.Copy !req
195. Come on, Randy.Copy !req
196. I'll bet you can crap
that big again easy!Copy !req
197. With the right diet and training,
who knows what you're capable of?Copy !req
198. Guys, forget it!
It's over!Copy !req
199. It was a fluke crap.
I'll never take one that big again!Copy !req
200. Is it over, Randy?
We all saw that crap you took!Copy !req
201. That was no fluke!Copy !req
202. There's something inside you
that made you able to do it!Copy !req
203. Randy, you have a gift. Now who knows
why God chose you, but he did!Copy !req
204. And if you walk away now,
you'll always wonder...Copy !req
205. how big a crap
you could have taken.Copy !req
206. - I would need a lot of help.
- That's what we're here for.Copy !req
207. Come on, Randy,
what do you say?Copy !req
208. I say...Copy !req
209. Let's give Bono
a run for his money!Copy !req
210. This is CNN Headline News.Copy !req
211. Tonight, a possible attack
on Iran...Copy !req
212. may mean the beginning
of a new war in the Middle East.Copy !req
213. Oh no.Copy !req
214. But first, the record for the world's
biggest crap, will it again be broken?Copy !req
215. Randy Marsh of Colorado
is now three weeksCopy !req
216. into his quest
to make a new crap.Copy !req
217. Spending nearly every waking hour
at P.F. Chang's.Copy !req
218. Is this really newsworthy?Copy !req
219. You just don't understand.Copy !req
220. You're right.
I don't.Copy !req
221. At the same time,
some people are questioningCopy !req
222. Bono's current record entry,Copy !req
223. saying nobody
has ever seen it in person.Copy !req
224. Bono could not be reached
for commentCopy !req
225. as he is currently in Africa
helping the needy.Copy !req
226. Hello, hello.Copy !req
227. Marsh is attempting
to break the record again.Copy !req
228. We thought
you should know.Copy !req
229. He can't beat my nine
and a half Courics!Copy !req
230. Well, he's going to try.Copy !req
231. Fine, but he has to take the crap
in front of you! In Zurich.Copy !req
232. Bono, we've never had
that rule before.Copy !req
233. I's the only way you can know
he's not cheating.Copy !req
234. If he doesn't crap in Zurich,
it shouldn't count!Copy !req
235. Ultrasound
is very simple, Mr. Marsh.Copy !req
236. We're going to use harmless waves
to look inside your belly.Copy !req
237. Just gonna put some warm gel
on your stomach first.Copy !req
238. Okay, take a deep breath.Copy !req
239. I see the crap now.Copy !req
240. I can't say for sure,
but I, I'd say it's about...Copy !req
241. - 14 Courics.
- Fourteen?Copy !req
242. - That's great, Randy!
- Can—Can I see it?Copy !req
243. Sure. This is your colon,
and in here,Copy !req
244. is the feces growing
inside your belly.Copy !req
245. Guys, we have a problem!Copy !req
246. I talked to the EFSM and they say
Randy has to take the crap in Zurich.Copy !req
247. In Zurich?Copy !req
248. They say Bono is demanding it
and that their hands are tied.Copy !req
249. I'm sorry Mr. Marsh.Copy !req
250. I-I cannot condone you traveling
on an airplane in your condition.Copy !req
251. It is never safe to fly during
your turd trimester.Copy !req
252. Hi, could I speak with
Mr. Bono, please?Copy !req
253. Mr. Bono, you have a
young gentleman caller.Copy !req
254. Get the jet ready, Bovis!
I've got to be going.Copy !req
255. Hi, my name is Stan Marsh.Copy !req
256. My dad's trying to beat
your record for biggest crap.Copy !req
257. Oh right. He can't make it
to Zurich, right?Copy !req
258. That's kind of
what I'm here for.Copy !req
259. Do you really need
the biggest crap record?Copy !req
260. Could you maybe see your way to just
letting my dad have this one?Copy !req
261. Let him have it?
Why would I do that?Copy !req
262. Look, you gotta understand, sir.Copy !req
263. My dad's never won
an award for anything. Ever.Copy !req
264. He doesn't have
one single trophy.Copy !req
265. I mean, even I have
a second-place trophyCopy !req
266. for most Sports Illustrated
subscriptions sold.Copy !req
267. I have the first-place trophy
for that.Copy !req
268. Dude, don't you have enough?
I mean...Copy !req
269. you got tons of money,
a jet,Copy !req
270. and the biggest rock band in
the world, a hot wife and...Copy !req
271. You've been knighted.
I mean, at some point,Copy !req
272. can't you just kind of...
fuck off?Copy !req
273. I want people to know that I'm worth
something. That I matter.Copy !req
274. All I'm asking is that
maybe with this one thing,Copy !req
275. let my dad be
number one.Copy !req
276. And you can still be
number 2.Copy !req
277. Number two?
Number two?Copy !req
278. Nobody calls me that anymore
and gets away with it!Copy !req
279. - Take it back! Take it back!
- I take it back!Copy !req
280. - Say I'm not number two!
- You're not number two!Copy !req
281. That's right! I'm not!Copy !req
282. What is wrong
with that guy?Copy !req
283. Your father is in grave danger.
Come with me!Copy !req
284. It must be quite a crap.Copy !req
285. Come on, Randy.
You have to push!Copy !req
286. What are you saying?Copy !req
287. How do you know
my dad is gonna die?Copy !req
288. Because nobody has ever taken
a crap that big before.Copy !req
289. So Bono's newest record
is a lie!Copy !req
290. Look, I first knew
something was wrongCopy !req
291. when I looked at Bono's
first award for biggest crap.Copy !req
292. - It said he took it in 1960.
- So?Copy !req
293. So that's the year Bono was born.
Then it all made sense to me.Copy !req
294. How could Bono be so talented, so caring
and yet seem like such a piece of crap?Copy !req
295. Because he is crap.Copy !req
296. Don't you get it?
Bono is not the record holder...Copy !req
297. - He's the record.
- Yes.Copy !req
298. I can't do it!
I can't do it!Copy !req
299. The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh.
We must perform a Caesarean!Copy !req
300. - But then, does it still count?
- Oh, no!Copy !req
301. A biggest crap means
you crapped it out!Copy !req
302. I believe that's true.Copy !req
303. We are sorry, Mr. Marsh,
but if you cannot crap out the crap...Copy !req
304. It's not really a crap.Copy !req
305. No... No.Copy !req
306. There there, Randy.
You gave it your best shot.Copy !req
307. I want my wife.
Sharon? Sharon?Copy !req
308. - What?
- I'm sorry, Sharon.Copy !req
309. I'm sorry that I let you down.
I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.Copy !req
310. Well congratulations, Bono,
it appears your record is intact.Copy !req
311. - I had a feeling it would be.
- Wait! Stop!Copy !req
312. Dad, your old crap counts.Copy !req
313. Bono never took a second crap
to beat yours.Copy !req
314. Get him out of here!Copy !req
315. What are you talking about,
young man?Copy !req
316. Somebody's been keeping it
a secret.Copy !req
317. Bono was never the record holder!
He's the record.Copy !req
318. It's not true! Kill the kid!
I want him dead!Copy !req
319. It's too late, Bono.
The boy has learned the truth.Copy !req
320. Herr Broloff,
what do you know of this?Copy !req
321. It's true, I'm afraid.Copy !req
322. You see, until Mr. Marsh
came along,Copy !req
323. I was the record holder
for the biggest crap.Copy !req
324. I took it back in 1960.Copy !req
325. It was the most amazing crap
I'd ever taken.Copy !req
326. Poppa, no!
Say nothing more!Copy !req
327. Come to me,
my darling precious child.Copy !req
328. After I had broken the record,
I took the crap home.Copy !req
329. I was so proud of it
that I decided to keep it,Copy !req
330. to try and raise it
like a child.Copy !req
331. - No, poppa. No, poppa.
- There there, my little crap.Copy !req
332. Don't cry.
Here, do you want the biddy?Copy !req
333. Does Bono want the biddy?Copy !req
334. Yes, he likes the biddy,
doesn't he?Copy !req
335. Dude.Copy !req
336. I kept the crap in my office,
nursed it, fed it biddy.Copy !req
337. And soon, biddy made him strong.
Biddy made him grow up!Copy !req
338. Into one of the most
influential figures of our time.Copy !req
339. Easy Bono,
that hurts the biddy.Copy !req
340. Biddy.Copy !req
341. My little crap has accomplished
many things.Copy !req
342. But he could never shed the fact
that he was really a number two.Copy !req
343. So he spent his life trying
to be number one, in everything.Copy !req
344. That's why he's able to do so much,
try to help so many people...Copy !req
345. but still seem like
such a piece of shit.Copy !req
346. You have blemished this noble society's
good name, Herr Broloff.Copy !req
347. Have I?Copy !req
348. Look at the crap I took
all those years ago!Copy !req
349. Bono is now almost six feet tall
and over 80 Courics in weight!Copy !req
350. No matter how you look at it,
he is still the record!Copy !req
351. Oh God, here it comes!
Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot!Copy !req
352. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
Hot! Hot!Copy !req
353. - My God...
- It must be over a hundred Courics!Copy !req
354. - Dad, are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm...Copy !req
355. No, I'm good!
Feel a lot better.Copy !req
356. Mr. Marsh, we apologize
and if it's okay with you...Copy !req
357. We would like to present you...
your long overdue trophy.Copy !req