1. Ugh...Copy !req
2. Brawghghh...Copy !req
3. Well, there's no doubt
in my mind, Mr. Marsh.Copy !req
4. You are constipated.Copy !req
5. Thanks for the news flash.Copy !req
6. I haven't taken a crap
in over three weeks.Copy !req
7. The question is: why?Copy !req
8. Well, what food have you been eating?Copy !req
9. P.F. Chang's mostly.Copy !req
10. Good stuff.Copy !req
11. I'm going to prescribe a laxative.Copy !req
12. But I must warn you,Copy !req
13. when you do finally pass this stool,Copy !req
14. it might be very painful.Copy !req
15. How painful is painful?Copy !req
16. Hurhgghghgh...Copy !req
17. Hurhghghgghgh...Copy !req
18. Hurhghghghh...Copy !req
19. Oh, God, oh, here it comes.Copy !req
20. Ahghggh aahghhghggh ahghghghgghgh...Copy !req
21. Oh, hot!Copy !req
22. Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot...Copy !req
23. Ahahghghggh!Copy !req
24. Ahghgghghghghgh!Copy !req
25. Oh, hot!Copy !req
26. Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot...Copy !req
27. Ahhghgh!Copy !req
28. Ahghh...Copy !req
29. Oh, it's over, it's over.Copy !req
30. Oh, God, I feel so much better.Copy !req
31. Oh.Copy !req
32. Wow.Copy !req
33. That is huge.Copy !req
34. That has got to be the biggest
crap I've ever taken.Copy !req
35. Hey... hey, Sharon.Copy !req
36. Sharon, you gotta come see this.Copy !req
37. Sh-Sharon?Copy !req
38. What is it, Randy?Copy !req
39. Do you have any... oh, Randy!Copy !req
40. Will you look at that?Copy !req
41. Is that the biggest crap
you've ever seen or what?Copy !req
42. Flush the toilet, for Christ's sake!Copy !req
43. Come on, that's pretty impressive.Copy !req
44. Hey, Stan!Copy !req
45. Stan, look at this.Copy !req
46. Randy!Copy !req
47. Look what your old man made.Copy !req
48. - No way!
- Huh?Copy !req
49. Never seen one that big, have you?Copy !req
50. No, never.Copy !req
51. Gross, Dad, sick!Copy !req
52. All right, will you
flush the toilet now?Copy !req
53. I'll try, but I don't think...Copy !req
54. Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.Copy !req
55. I gotta call Jimbo first.Copy !req
56. Why?Copy !req
57. He's got to see this.Copy !req
58. No, we are flushing
the toilet right now.Copy !req
59. No, Jimbo has to see itCopy !req
60. so when I tell all the guys
how big it wasCopy !req
61. they'll know I'm not lying!Copy !req
62. Oh, for the love of God, Randy!Copy !req
63. Sharon, this is important!Copy !req
64. Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo.Copy !req
65. I'm gonna stand guard.Copy !req
66. Hey, guys.Copy !req
67. - Hey, Randy.
- Oh, hey, Randy.Copy !req
68. Are you feeling better?Copy !req
69. Yeah, no, I'm totally fine now.Copy !req
70. You guys should have seenCopy !req
71. the crap Randy took last night.Copy !req
72. It was honestly the biggest crapCopy !req
73. anyone has ever taken ever.Copy !req
74. Oh, I don't know about ever.Copy !req
75. I'm telling you this thingCopy !req
76. was the size of a freaking football.Copy !req
77. I guess it was pretty big.Copy !req
78. A football?Copy !req
79. Well, that's amazing.Copy !req
80. I've never heard of one that big.Copy !req
81. No, no, my brother took a
crap once that was enormous.Copy !req
82. It was the biggestCopy !req
83. in the history of the world, I think.Copy !req
84. - Ha-ha ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
85. It wasn't bigger than mine was.Copy !req
86. No, no, seriously,
this crap was a monster!Copy !req
87. Mine... Mine was bigger.Copy !req
88. I doubt it.Copy !req
89. You wanna see it?Copy !req
90. Oh, my freaking Lord.Copy !req
91. That did not seriously
come out of your ass.Copy !req
92. Oh, yes it did.Copy !req
93. Go ahead and check it for splits.Copy !req
94. It's one solid piece.Copy !req
95. Jesus.Copy !req
96. That, uh, a little bigger thanCopy !req
97. your brother's there, Gerald?Copy !req
98. It's... otherworldly.Copy !req
99. Randy, have you called the people fromCopy !req
100. Guinness Book of World Records?Copy !req
101. I mean, this might seriously beCopy !req
102. the biggest crap in history.Copy !req
103. That's why I gotta
make sure to keep it safe.Copy !req
104. Randy Marsh.Copy !req
105. Oh, crap!Copy !req
106. What the hell do you think you're doingCopy !req
107. keeping that thing in our house?Copy !req
108. The guys agree, Sharon.Copy !req
109. It could be a record holder.Copy !req
110. Why are men so obsessed with
how big their crap is?Copy !req
111. Guinness World Records America.Copy !req
112. How can I help you?Copy !req
113. The biggest crap?Copy !req
114. We actually don't keep track
of that record, sir.Copy !req
115. Because we don't want to.Copy !req
116. Look, we get calls from men all the timeCopy !req
117. who believe they took the biggest crap,Copy !req
118. and we simply can't handleCopy !req
119. all the measuring and verification.Copy !req
120. You need to callCopy !req
121. "The European Fecal Standards
and Measurements Office"Copy !req
122. in Zurich.Copy !req
123. You're welcome.Copy !req
124. Jeez, another one.Copy !req
125. Guinness World Records America.Copy !req
126. Uh, yes, hello, my name is Randy Marsh,Copy !req
127. and I believe I took
the world's biggest crap.Copy !req
128. You need to callCopy !req
129. "The European Fecal Standards
and Measurements Office"Copy !req
130. in Zurich.Copy !req
131. Their number is listed on their website.Copy !req
132. Heir president, take a look at this.Copy !req
133. It is a crap sent to us
from the United States.Copy !req
134. Very nice.Copy !req
135. Has it been checked for accuracy?Copy !req
136. It appears to be legitimate.Copy !req
137. Based on the photo,
we estimate that the crapCopy !req
138. is over 8 and a half courics!Copy !req
139. We better get on a plane right away.Copy !req
140. Hmm, ern snussen?Copy !req
141. Brier en snussen aitch.Copy !req
142. What was your primary diet
for this poo, Mr. Marsh?Copy !req
143. Mostly P.F. Chang's,Copy !req
144. General Tso's chicken, and then a lot ofCopy !req
145. Aunt Jemima frozen sausage
biscuits in the mornings.Copy !req
146. I believe I detect some cabbage as well?Copy !req
147. Oh, yes, I had a lot of kimchi.Copy !req
148. You have got to be kidding me.Copy !req
149. These guys are from Zurich, Sharon!Copy !req
150. They're Europeans!Copy !req
151. It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh.Copy !req
152. For the love of God.Copy !req
153. Your crap officially weighs 8.6 courics.Copy !req
154. Courics?Copy !req
155. The standard measuring unit
for human feces.Copy !req
156. One Katie Couric is approximatelyCopy !req
157. 2 and a half pounds of excrement.Copy !req
158. The current record is a crap
weighing 7.5 courics.Copy !req
159. But that means...Copy !req
160. That's right.Copy !req
161. You are the new world champion!Copy !req
162. Really?Copy !req
163. You mean... really?Copy !req
164. Hey, Stan! Hey, Sharon!Copy !req
165. Hey, everybody!Copy !req
166. Well, I guess we better call
the old championCopy !req
167. and let him know his
record has just been broken.Copy !req
168. He has won 22 Grammys,Copy !req
169. countless humanitarian awards,Copy !req
170. and is the only person ever
to be nominatedCopy !req
171. for an Academy Award,Copy !req
172. a Golden Globe,
and the Nobel Peace Prize.Copy !req
173. Ladies and gentlemen, Bono.Copy !req
174. Thank you.Copy !req
175. Thank you so much for this newest award.Copy !req
176. It means so much.Copy !req
177. Oh, excuse me.Copy !req
178. I must be getting another award.Copy !req
179. Yes?Copy !req
180. Yes, Bono, sir,Copy !req
181. We wish to inform you that your recordCopy !req
182. for biggest crap has just been broken.Copy !req
183. What?Copy !req
184. That's impossible!Copy !req
185. How big was it?Copy !req
186. We are here to honorCopy !req
187. the first American to bring homeCopy !req
188. the distinguished E.F.S.M. MedalCopy !req
189. for "biggest crap ever taken."Copy !req
190. Hey, look, Sharon, it's the president!Copy !req
191. Hey, hey, Sharon.Copy !req
192. To present the award,Copy !req
193. I give you the dean of the E.F.S.M.,Copy !req
194. Sir Orlaf Brolof.Copy !req
195. Thank you, senator.Copy !req
196. For over 100 years now,Copy !req
197. the European Fecal Standards
and Measures...Copy !req
198. Heir Brolof, Heir Brolof!Copy !req
199. Desh pointen auf?Copy !req
200. Ladies and gentlemen,
I understand we haveCopy !req
201. just received a special
video-taped announcementCopy !req
202. from Bono!Copy !req
203. - Bono! Oh, Bono!
- Oh, cool!Copy !req
204. Could we play the tape on
the big screen, please?Copy !req
205. Hello, everyone.Copy !req
206. I am Bono.Copy !req
207. For years, it has been my honor to tryCopy !req
208. and bring focus to the needs in Africa,Copy !req
209. and today I have very exciting news.Copy !req
210. Last night, at 20 past 8:00,Copy !req
211. I took a crap weighing
9 and a half courics.Copy !req
212. Bono?Copy !req
213. As you can see, it is one solid piece.Copy !req
214. It is my biggest crap to date.Copy !req
215. And I swear to its authenticity.Copy !req
216. Thank you and God bless.Copy !req
217. You heard it, ladies and gentlemen!Copy !req
218. The official biggest crap
is 9.5 courics!Copy !req
219. Congratulations to Bono!Copy !req
220. Bono!Copy !req
221. Woo!Copy !req
222. Dad, um...Copy !req
223. I think dinner's almost ready.Copy !req
224. I almost did it.Copy !req
225. I almost made something of myself.Copy !req
226. You know when you get real close,Copy !req
227. you start to think thatCopy !req
228. maybe your life is going to matter.Copy !req
229. I mean, this was something I made,Copy !req
230. something that came from me,Copy !req
231. that was a part of me.Copy !req
232. The only thing I ever
made that was any good.Copy !req
233. Gee... Thanks a lot, dad.Copy !req
234. You're welcome.Copy !req
235. And I just... I know that
this late in my lifeCopy !req
236. I'll never come so close
to finally having meaning.Copy !req
237. Come on, guys, lasagna's ready.Copy !req
238. Oh, lasagna's ready.Copy !req
239. You hear that, Stan?Copy !req
240. Mom says lasagna is ready.Copy !req
241. I can see through your sarcasm, Sharon.Copy !req
242. What are you talking about?Copy !req
243. You can say it, Sharon.Copy !req
244. I know Bono is better than me!Copy !req
245. I'm sorry I'm not Bono, all right?Copy !req
246. I'm sorry I don't
have billions of dollarsCopy !req
247. and a Nobel-Prize nomination!Copy !req
248. Randy, this is ridiculous.Copy !req
249. Oh, that's real mature, Sharon.Copy !req
250. Just act like everything is funny.Copy !req
251. It's a big joke to you, isn't it?Copy !req
252. Just a big joke!Copy !req
253. Don't touch me!Copy !req
254. Can you believe him?Copy !req
255. All this over what guy
took the biggest crap!Copy !req
256. You don't understand, Mom.Copy !req
257. You just don't understand.Copy !req
258. Wha-wha...Copy !req
259. How come they just let that Bono guyCopy !req
260. send a picture of his crap?Copy !req
261. 'Cause he's Bono, that's why.Copy !req
262. But he could have faked it.Copy !req
263. It isn't fair.Copy !req
264. Doesn't matter.Copy !req
265. He's got the record now.Copy !req
266. There's nothing I can do.Copy !req
267. Oh, yes, there is.Copy !req
268. You can do it again.Copy !req
269. What?Copy !req
270. Think about it.Copy !req
271. You weren't even trying to takeCopy !req
272. the biggest crap last time.Copy !req
273. Imagine if you actually worked at it.Copy !req
274. Hey, hey, that's right.Copy !req
275. No.Copy !req
276. I can't go through all that again.Copy !req
277. It's too much.Copy !req
278. Come on, Randy.Copy !req
279. I'll bet you can crap
that big again easy!Copy !req
280. With the right diet and training,Copy !req
281. who knows what you're capable of?Copy !req
282. Guys, forget it!Copy !req
283. It's over.Copy !req
284. It was a fluke crap.Copy !req
285. I'll never take one that big again.Copy !req
286. Is it over, Randy?Copy !req
287. We all saw that crap you took.Copy !req
288. That was no fluke.Copy !req
289. There's something inside you
that made you able to do it.Copy !req
290. Randy, you have a gift.Copy !req
291. Now, who knows why God
chose you, but he did.Copy !req
292. And if you walk away now,Copy !req
293. you'll always wonder how big a crapCopy !req
294. you could have taken.Copy !req
295. I would need a lot of help.Copy !req
296. That's what we're here for.Copy !req
297. Come on, Randy, what do you say?Copy !req
298. I say...Copy !req
299. Let's give Bono a run for his money.Copy !req
300. Yeah! All right, Randy!Copy !req
301. Yeah!Copy !req
302. Yeah!Copy !req
303. This is CNN Headline News.Copy !req
304. Tonight, a possible attack on IranCopy !req
305. may mean the beginning of
a new war in the Middle East.Copy !req
306. Oh, no.Copy !req
307. But first, the record for
the world's biggest crap.Copy !req
308. Will it again be broken?Copy !req
309. Ugh!Copy !req
310. Randy Marsh of Colorado
is now three weeksCopy !req
311. into his quest to make a new crap,Copy !req
312. spending nearly every waking
hour at P.F. Chang's.Copy !req
313. Is this really news worthy?Copy !req
314. You just don't understand.Copy !req
315. You're right, I don't.Copy !req
316. At the same time,
some people are questioningCopy !req
317. Bono's current record entry,Copy !req
318. saying, nobody has
ever seen it in person.Copy !req
319. Bono could not be reached for commentCopy !req
320. as he is currently in
Africa, helping the needy.Copy !req
321. Marsh is attempting to
break the record again.Copy !req
322. We thought you should know.Copy !req
323. He can't beat my 9 and a half courics!Copy !req
324. Well, he's going to try.Copy !req
325. Fine!Copy !req
326. But he has to take
the crap in front of you,Copy !req
327. in Zurich.Copy !req
328. Bono, we've never had that rule before.Copy !req
329. It's the only way you can
know he's not cheating!Copy !req
330. If he doesn't crap in
Zurich, it shouldn't count!Copy !req
331. Ultrasound is very simple, Mr. Marsh.Copy !req
332. We're going to use harmless wavesCopy !req
333. to look inside your belly.Copy !req
334. Just gonna put some warm gel
on your stomach first.Copy !req
335. Ooh.Copy !req
336. Okay, take a deep breath.Copy !req
337. I see the crap now.Copy !req
338. I can't say for sure,
but I'd say it's about...Copy !req
339. 14 courics.Copy !req
340. 14!Copy !req
341. That's great, Randy!Copy !req
342. Can I see it?Copy !req
343. Sure, this is your colon,Copy !req
344. and here... Is the feces
growing inside your belly.Copy !req
345. Ahh...Copy !req
346. Guys, we have a problem!Copy !req
347. I talked to the E.F.S.M.
And they say that RandyCopy !req
348. has to take the crap in Zurich.Copy !req
349. In Zurich?Copy !req
350. They say Bono is demanding itCopy !req
351. and that their hands are tied.Copy !req
352. I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh.Copy !req
353. I cannot condone you
traveling on an airplaneCopy !req
354. in your condition.Copy !req
355. It is never safe to fly
during your turd trimester.Copy !req
356. Hi, could I speak with Mr. Bono, please?Copy !req
357. Mr. Bono, you have
a young gentlemen caller.Copy !req
358. Get the jet ready, Belvis.Copy !req
359. I've got to be going.Copy !req
360. Hi, my name is Stan Marsh.Copy !req
361. My dad's trying to beat your
record for biggest crap.Copy !req
362. Oh, right.Copy !req
363. He can't make it to Zurich, right?Copy !req
364. That's kind of what I'm here for.Copy !req
365. Do you really need the biggest
crap record?Copy !req
366. Could you maybe see your way to justCopy !req
367. letting my dad have this one?Copy !req
368. Let him have it?Copy !req
369. Why would I do that?Copy !req
370. Look, you gotta understand, sir,Copy !req
371. my dad's never won an
award for anything.Copy !req
372. Ever.Copy !req
373. He doesn't have one single trophy.Copy !req
374. I mean even I have a second-place trophyCopy !req
375. for most Sports Illustrated
subscriptions sold.Copy !req
376. I have the first-place trophy for that.Copy !req
377. Dude, don't you have enough?Copy !req
378. I mean, you've got tons of money, a jet,Copy !req
379. the biggest rock band in the world,Copy !req
380. a hot wife, and you've been knighted.Copy !req
381. I mean, at some point,Copy !req
382. can't you just kind of fuck off?Copy !req
383. I want people to know
that I'm worth something,Copy !req
384. that I matter.Copy !req
385. All I'm asking is that maybe
with this one thingCopy !req
386. let my dad be number oneCopy !req
387. and you can still be number two.Copy !req
388. Number two?Copy !req
389. Number two?Copy !req
390. Nobody calls me that anymore
and gets away with it!Copy !req
391. Take it back!Copy !req
392. Take it back!Copy !req
393. I take it back!Copy !req
394. Say I'm not number two!Copy !req
395. You're not number two!Copy !req
396. That's right I'm not!Copy !req
397. What is wrong with that guy?Copy !req
398. Your father is in great danger.Copy !req
399. Come with me.Copy !req
400. Hrghh... Ugh ugh...Copy !req
401. Hrghh... Grrhh...Copy !req
402. Rrgghhh...Copy !req
403. It must be quite a crap.Copy !req
404. Come on, Randy, you have to push!Copy !req
405. Ahghghhggh...Copy !req
406. Ahghhhggh...Copy !req
407. What are you saying?Copy !req
408. How do you know my dad is gonna die?Copy !req
409. Because nobody has ever taken
a crap that big before.Copy !req
410. So Bono's newest record is a lie!Copy !req
411. Look, I first new something was wrongCopy !req
412. when I looked at Bono's first
award for biggest crap.Copy !req
413. It said he took it in 1960.Copy !req
414. So?Copy !req
415. So that's the year Bono was born.Copy !req
416. Then it all made sense to me.Copy !req
417. How could Bono be so talented,
so caring,Copy !req
418. and yet seem like such a piece of crap?Copy !req
419. Because he is crap.Copy !req
420. Don't you get it?Copy !req
421. Bono is not the record holder...Copy !req
422. He's the record.Copy !req
423. Yes.Copy !req
424. Ahghgghgh...Copy !req
425. I can't do it, I can't do it.Copy !req
426. The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh.Copy !req
427. We must perform a Caesarean.Copy !req
428. But then does it still count?Copy !req
429. Oh, no!Copy !req
430. A biggest crap means you crapped it out.Copy !req
431. I believe that's true.Copy !req
432. We are sorry, Mr. Marsh,Copy !req
433. but if you cannot crap out the crap,Copy !req
434. it's not really a crap.Copy !req
435. No, no...Copy !req
436. There, there, Randy.Copy !req
437. You... You gave it your best shot.Copy !req
438. I want my wife.Copy !req
439. Sharon?Copy !req
440. Sharon?Copy !req
441. What?Copy !req
442. I'm sorry, Sharon.Copy !req
443. I'm sorry that I let you down.Copy !req
444. Sorry I can't crap like Bono.Copy !req
445. Well, congratulations, Bono.Copy !req
446. It appears your record is intact.Copy !req
447. I had a feeling it would be.Copy !req
448. Wait, stop!Copy !req
449. Dad, your old crap counts!Copy !req
450. Bono never took a second crap
that beat yours!Copy !req
451. Get him out of here!Copy !req
452. What are you talking about, young man?Copy !req
453. Somebody's been keeping it a secret.Copy !req
454. Bono was never the record holder.Copy !req
455. He's the record.Copy !req
456. It's not true!Copy !req
457. Kill that kid!Copy !req
458. I want him dead!Copy !req
459. It's too late, Bono.Copy !req
460. The boy has learned the truth.Copy !req
461. Heir Brolof, what do you know of this?Copy !req
462. It's true, I'm afraid.Copy !req
463. You see, until Mr. Marsh came along,Copy !req
464. I was the record
holder for the biggest crap.Copy !req
465. I took it back in 1960.Copy !req
466. It was the most amazing
crap I'd ever taken.Copy !req
467. Papa, no!Copy !req
468. Say nothing more!Copy !req
469. Come to me, my darling precious child.Copy !req
470. After I had broken the record,
I took the crap home.Copy !req
471. I was so proud of it
that I decided to keep it,Copy !req
472. to try and raise it like a child.Copy !req
473. No, Papa.Copy !req
474. No, Papa.Copy !req
475. There, there, my little crap, don't cry.Copy !req
476. Here, do you want the biddy?Copy !req
477. Hmm?Copy !req
478. Does Bono want the biddy?Copy !req
479. Yes, he likes the biddy, doesn't he?Copy !req
480. Dude.Copy !req
481. I kept the crap in my office.Copy !req
482. Nursed it, fed it biddy.Copy !req
483. And soon biddy made him strong,Copy !req
484. biddy made him grow up...Copy !req
485. Into one of the most influential
figures of our time.Copy !req
486. Easy, Bono, that hurts the biddy.Copy !req
487. Biddy!Copy !req
488. My little crap has
accomplished many things,Copy !req
489. but he could never shed the factCopy !req
490. that he was really a number two.Copy !req
491. So he spent his life trying
to be number one...Copy !req
492. In everything.Copy !req
493. That's why he's able to do so much,Copy !req
494. try to help so many people,Copy !req
495. but still seem like
such a piece of shit.Copy !req
496. You have blemishedCopy !req
497. this noble society's
good name, Heir Brolof!Copy !req
498. Have I?Copy !req
499. Look at the crap I took
all those years ago!Copy !req
500. Bono is now almost six feet tallCopy !req
501. and over 80 courics in weight!Copy !req
502. No matter how you look at it,Copy !req
503. he is still the record!Copy !req
504. Oh, God, here it comes!Copy !req
505. Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot!Copy !req
506. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!Copy !req
507. Ha-ha-haaa...Copy !req
508. My God!Copy !req
509. It must over 100 courics!Copy !req
510. Dad, are you all right?Copy !req
511. Yeah, I'm...Copy !req
512. Yeah, I'm good.Copy !req
513. I feel a lot better.Copy !req
514. Mr. Marsh, we apologize.Copy !req
515. And if it's okay with you,
we would like to present youCopy !req
516. your long-overdue trophy.Copy !req
517. Thrrrrpt!Copy !req