1. I'm going out to South Park gonna have myself a timeCopy !req
2. Friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptationCopy !req
3. I'm goin out to south park gonna leave my woes behindCopy !req
4. Ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighborCopy !req
5. I'm heading out to south park to see if I cant unwindCopy !req
6. I like girls with big fat titties really big fat tittiesCopy !req
7. So come on out to south park and meet some friends of mineCopy !req
8. Episode 11x09 "More Crap"Copy !req
9. Well, there's no doubt in my mind, Mr. Marsh. You are constipated.Copy !req
10. Thanks for the news flash!Copy !req
11. I haven't taken a crap in over three weeks! The question is why?Copy !req
12. Well, what food have you been eating? - P.F. Chang's, mostly. Good stuff.Copy !req
13. I'm going to prescribe a laxative.Copy !req
14. But I must warn you: when you do finally pass this stool, it might be very painful.Copy !req
15. How painful is "painful"?Copy !req
16. Oh God. Oh, here it comes.Copy !req
17. Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoa, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!Copy !req
18. Oh, it's over. It's over.Copy !req
19. Oh God. I feel so much better.Copy !req
20. Wow.Copy !req
21. That is huge.Copy !req
22. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken.Copy !req
23. Hey, hey Sharon. Sharon you gotta come see this.Copy !req
24. Sha-Sharon?Copy !req
25. What is it, Randy? Do you have any- Oh, Randy!Copy !req
26. Will you look at that? Is that the biggest crap you've ever seen or what?Copy !req
27. Flush the toilet for Christ's sake! - Come on! That's pretty impressive!Copy !req
28. Hey Stan! Stan, look at this. - Randy!Copy !req
29. Look what your old man made. - No way!Copy !req
30. Huh? Never seen one that big, have you? - No, never.Copy !req
31. Gross, Dad, sick!Copy !req
32. All right, will you flush the toilet now? - I'll try, but I don't think...Copy !req
33. Wait a minute. I gotta call Jimbo first. - Why?Copy !req
34. He's gotta see this.Copy !req
35. No, we are flushing the toilet right now— No!Copy !req
36. Jimbo has to see it so when I tell the guys how big it was, they'll know I'm not lying!Copy !req
37. Oh, for the love of God, Randy! - Sharon, this is important!Copy !req
38. Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo. I'm gonna stand guard.Copy !req
39. Hey guys! - Hey Randy.Copy !req
40. Are you feeling better? - Yeah, I'm totally fine now.Copy !req
41. You guys shoulda seen the crap Randy took last night!Copy !req
42. It was honestly, the biggest crap anyone has ever taken. Ever.Copy !req
43. Well I don't know about ever...Copy !req
44. I'm telling you this thing was the size of a freaking football.Copy !req
45. I guess it was pretty big.Copy !req
46. A football? That's amazing. - I've never heard of one that big.Copy !req
47. Oh, my brother took a crap once, that was enormous.Copy !req
48. It was the biggest in the history of the world, I think.Copy !req
49. It wasn't bigger than mine was.Copy !req
50. Oh no, seriously, this crap was a monster!Copy !req
51. Mine... mine was bigger.Copy !req
52. I doubt it.Copy !req
53. You wanna see it?Copy !req
54. Oh my freaking Lord.Copy !req
55. That did not seriously come out of your ass. - Oh yes, it did.Copy !req
56. Go ahead and check it for splits. It's one solid piece.Copy !req
57. Jesus...Copy !req
58. That uh, a little bigger than your brother's there, Gerald?Copy !req
59. It's... other-worldly.Copy !req
60. Randy, have you called the people from the Guinness Book of World Records? I mean...Copy !req
61. this might seriously be the biggest crap in history!Copy !req
62. That's why I gotta make sure to keep it safe.Copy !req
63. Randy Marsh! - Aw crap!Copy !req
64. What the hell do you think you're doing keeping that thing in our house?Copy !req
65. The guys agree, Sharon: it could be a record holder.Copy !req
66. Why are men so obsessed with how big their crap is?Copy !req
67. Guinness World Records America. How can I help you?Copy !req
68. The biggest crap?Copy !req
69. We actually don't keep track of that record, sir.Copy !req
70. Because we don't want to.Copy !req
71. Look, we get calls from men all the time who believe they took the biggest crapCopy !req
72. and we simply can't handle all the measuring and verification.Copy !req
73. You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich.Copy !req
74. You're welcome. Jeez, another one.Copy !req
75. Guinness World Records America.Copy !req
76. Yes, hello. My name is Randy Marsh and I believe I took the world's biggest crap.Copy !req
77. You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich.Copy !req
78. Their number is listed on their Web site.Copy !req
79. Herr President, take a look at this. It is a crap sent to us from the United States.Copy !req
80. Very nice.Copy !req
81. Has it been checked for accuracy?Copy !req
82. It appears to be legitimate, based on the photo.Copy !req
83. We estimate that the crap is over eight and a half Courics!Copy !req
84. We'd better get on a plane. Right away.Copy !req
85. Hm, enshnusen?Copy !req
86. Verron snusunarich.Copy !req
87. What was your primary diet for this poo, Mr. Marsh?Copy !req
88. Mostly P.F. Chang's. General Tsao's Chicken.Copy !req
89. And a lot of Aunt Jemima's Frozen Sausage Biscuits in the morning.Copy !req
90. I believe I detect some cabbage as well? - Oh yes, I had a lot of kim chee.Copy !req
91. You have got to be kidding me.Copy !req
92. These guys are from Zurich, Sharon! They're Europeans!Copy !req
93. It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh. - For the love of God!Copy !req
94. Your crap officially weighs, 8.6 Courics. - Courics?Copy !req
95. The standard measuring unit for human feces.Copy !req
96. One Katie Couric is approximately two and a half pounds of excrement.Copy !req
97. The current record is a crap weighing 7.5 Courics.Copy !req
98. But that means... - That's right.Copy !req
99. You are the new world's champion! - Really?Copy !req
100. You mean, really?Copy !req
101. Hey Stan! Hey Sharon! Hey everybody!Copy !req
102. Well, I guess we'd better call the old champoin...Copy !req
103. and let him know his record has just been broken.Copy !req
104. He has won twenty-two Grammy's, countless humanitarian awards...Copy !req
105. and is the only person ever to be nominated for an Academy Award, a Golden Globe...Copy !req
106. and the Nobel Peace Prize. Ladies and gentlemen, Bono!Copy !req
107. Thank you. Thank you so much for this newest award, it means so much.Copy !req
108. Excuse me. I must be getting another award.Copy !req
109. Yes? - Yes, Bono.Copy !req
110. Sir, we wish to inform you that your record for biggest crap has just been broken.Copy !req
111. What? That's impossible! How big was it?Copy !req
112. We are here to honor the first American...Copy !req
113. to bring home the distinguished EFSM medal for biggest crap ever taken.Copy !req
114. Hey look, Sharon, it's the President! Hey Sharon!Copy !req
115. To present the award I give you the dean of the EFSM, Sir Orloff Broloff.Copy !req
116. Thank you, Senator. For over a hundred years, the European Fecal Standards and Meas-Copy !req
117. Herr Broloff! Herr Broloff!Copy !req
118. Das shpoitenhoff?Copy !req
119. Ah ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
120. I understand we have just received a special video-taped announcement from Bono!Copy !req
121. Bono? Cool!Copy !req
122. Could we play the tape on the big screen, please?Copy !req
123. Hello everyone! I, am Bono.Copy !req
124. For years it has been my honor to try and bring focus to the needs in Africa.Copy !req
125. And today, I have very exciting news.Copy !req
126. Last night, at twenty past eight, I took a crap weighing nine and a half Courics.Copy !req
127. Bono?Copy !req
128. As you can see, it is one solid piece. It is my biggest crap to date.Copy !req
129. And I swear to its authenticity. Thank you, and God bless.Copy !req
130. You heard it, ladies and gentlemen! The official biggest crap is 9.5 Courics!Copy !req
131. Congratulations to Bono!Copy !req
132. Dad, I think dinner's almost ready.Copy !req
133. I almost did it.Copy !req
134. I almost made something of myself.Copy !req
135. You know, when you get real close, you start to think that maybe your life is gonna matter.Copy !req
136. I mean, this was something I made!Copy !req
137. Something that came from me! That was a a part of me!Copy !req
138. The only thing I ever made that was any good!Copy !req
139. Gee, thanks a lot, Dad. - You're welcome.Copy !req
140. And I just...Copy !req
141. I know that this late in my life I'll never come so close to finally having meaning.Copy !req
142. Come on guys, lasagna's ready.Copy !req
143. Oh. Lasagna's ready.Copy !req
144. You hear that, Stan? Mom says lasagna is ready!Copy !req
145. I can see through your sarcasm, Sharon!Copy !req
146. What are you talking about? - You can say it, Sharon!Copy !req
147. I know Bono's better than me!Copy !req
148. I'm sorry I'm not Bono, all right?Copy !req
149. Sorry that I don't have billions of dollars and a Nobel prize nomination!Copy !req
150. Randy, this is ridiculous! - Oh, that's real mature, Sharon!Copy !req
151. Just act like everything's funny! It's a big joke to you, isn't it?Copy !req
152. Just a big joke! Don't touch me!Copy !req
153. Can you believe him? All this over what guy took the biggest crap!Copy !req
154. You don't understand, Mom. You just don't understand.Copy !req
155. Wha? Wha?Copy !req
156. How come they just let that Bono guy send a picture of his crap?Copy !req
157. Because he's Bono, that's why. - But he could have faked it. It isn't fair!Copy !req
158. Doesn't matter. He's got the record now, there's nothing I can do.Copy !req
159. Oh yes there is! You could do it again! - What?Copy !req
160. Think about it. You weren't even trying to take the biggest crap last time.Copy !req
161. Imagine if you actually worked at it!Copy !req
162. Hey. Hey that's right.Copy !req
163. No. I can't go through all that again. It's too much.Copy !req
164. Come on, Randy. I'll bet you can crap that big again easy!Copy !req
165. With the right diet and training, who knows what you're capable of?Copy !req
166. Guys, forget it! It's over! It was a fluke crap, I'll never take one that big again!Copy !req
167. Is it over, Randy? We all saw that crap you took!Copy !req
168. That was no fluke! There's something inside you that made you able to do it!Copy !req
169. Randy, you have a gift. Now who knows why God chose you, but he did!Copy !req
170. And if you walk away now, you'll always wonder...Copy !req
171. how big a crap you could have taken!Copy !req
172. I would need a lot of help. - That's what we're here for.Copy !req
173. Come on, Randy, what do you say?Copy !req
174. I say...Copy !req
175. Let's give Bono a run for his money!Copy !req
176. This is CNN Headline News.Copy !req
177. Tonight, a possible attack on Iran...Copy !req
178. may mean the beginning of a new war in the Middle East.Copy !req
179. Oh no.Copy !req
180. But first, the record for the world's biggest crap, will it again be broken?Copy !req
181. Randy Marsh of Colorado is now three weeks into his quest to make a new crap.Copy !req
182. Spending nearly every waking hour at P.F. Chang's.Copy !req
183. Is this really newsworthy?Copy !req
184. You just don't understand.Copy !req
185. You're right. I don't.Copy !req
186. At the same time, some people are questioning Bono's current record entry...Copy !req
187. saying nobody has ever seen it in person.Copy !req
188. Bono could not be reached for comment, as he is currently in Africa helping the needy.Copy !req
189. Hello, hello.Copy !req
190. Marsh is attempting to break the record again. We thought you should know.Copy !req
191. He can't beat my nine and a half Courics! - Well he's going to try.Copy !req
192. Fine, but he has to take the crap in front of you! In Zurich.Copy !req
193. Bono, we've never had that rule before.Copy !req
194. I's the only way you can know he's not cheating!Copy !req
195. If he doesn't crap in Zurich, it shouldn't count!Copy !req
196. Ultrasound is very simple, Mr. Marsh.Copy !req
197. We're going to use harmless waves to look inside your belly.Copy !req
198. Just gonna put some warm gel on your stomach first.Copy !req
199. Okay, take a deep breath.Copy !req
200. I see the crap now. I can't say for sure, but I, I'd say is about...Copy !req
201. 14 Courics. - Fourteen?Copy !req
202. That's great, Randy! - Can I, Can I see it?Copy !req
203. Sure. This is your colon and here is the feces growing inside your belly.Copy !req
204. Guys, we have a problem!Copy !req
205. I talked to the EFSM and they say Randy has to take the crap in Zurich.Copy !req
206. In Zurich?Copy !req
207. They say that Bono is demanding it and that their hands are tied.Copy !req
208. I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, I I cannot condone you traveling on an airplane in your condition.Copy !req
209. It is never safe to fly during your turd trimester.Copy !req
210. Hi, could I speak to Mr. Bono, please? - Mr. Bono, you have a young gentleman caller!Copy !req
211. Get the jet ready, Bovis! I've got to be going.Copy !req
212. Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. My dad's trying to beat your record for biggest crap.Copy !req
213. Oh right. He can't make it to Zurich, right?Copy !req
214. That's kind of what I'm here for. Do you really need the biggest crap record?Copy !req
215. Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?Copy !req
216. Let him have it? Why would I do that?Copy !req
217. Look, you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever.Copy !req
218. He doesn't have one single trophy.Copy !req
219. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.Copy !req
220. I have the first-place trophy for that.Copy !req
221. Dude, don't you have enough? I mean...Copy !req
222. you got tons of money, a jet and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife and...Copy !req
223. you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of fuck off?Copy !req
224. I want people to know that I'm worth something. That I matter.Copy !req
225. All I'm asking is that maybe with this one thing, let my dad be number 1.Copy !req
226. And you can still be number 2.Copy !req
227. Number two? Number two?Copy !req
228. Nobody calls me that anymore and gets away with it!Copy !req
229. Take it back! Take it back! - I take it back!Copy !req
230. Say I'm not number two! - You're not number two!Copy !req
231. That's right! I'm not!Copy !req
232. What is wrong with that guy?Copy !req
233. Your father is in grave danger. Come with me!Copy !req
234. It must be quite a crap.Copy !req
235. Come on, Randy. You have to push!Copy !req
236. What are you saying? How do you know my dad is gonna die?Copy !req
237. Because nobody has ever taken a crap that big before!Copy !req
238. So Bono's newest record is a lie!Copy !req
239. Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap.Copy !req
240. It said he took it in 1960. - So?Copy !req
241. So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me.Copy !req
242. How could Bono be so talented, so caring and yet seem like such a piece of crap?Copy !req
243. Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder...Copy !req
244. He's the record. - Yes.Copy !req
245. I can't do it! I can't do it!Copy !req
246. The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh. We must perform a Caesarean!Copy !req
247. But then, does it still count? - Oh, no!Copy !req
248. A biggest crap means you crapped it out! - I believe that's true.Copy !req
249. We are sorry, Mr. Marsh, but if you cannot crap out the crap...Copy !req
250. it's not really a crap.Copy !req
251. No... No.Copy !req
252. There there Randy. You gave it your best shot.Copy !req
253. I want my wife. Sharon? Sharon?Copy !req
254. What? - I'm sorry, Sharon.Copy !req
255. I'm sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.Copy !req
256. Well congratulations, Bono, it appears your record is intact.Copy !req
257. I had a feeling it would be. - Wait! Stop!Copy !req
258. Dad, your old crap counts. Bono never took a second crap to beat yours.Copy !req
259. Get him out of here! - What are you talking about, young man?Copy !req
260. Somebody's been keeping it a secret. Bono was never the record holder! He's the record!Copy !req
261. It's not true! Kill the kid! I want him dead!Copy !req
262. It's too late, Bono. The boy has learned the truth.Copy !req
263. Herr Broloff, what do you know of this? - It's true, I'm afraid.Copy !req
264. You see, until Mr. Marsh came along, I was the record holder for the biggest crap.Copy !req
265. I took it back in 1960. It was the most amazing crap I'd ever taken.Copy !req
266. Poppa no! Say nothing more!Copy !req
267. Come to me, my darling precious child.Copy !req
268. After I had broken the record I took the crap home.Copy !req
269. I was so proud of it that I decided to keep it, to try and raise it like a child.Copy !req
270. No Poppa. No Poppa. - There there, my little crap.Copy !req
271. Don't cry. Here, do you want the biddy?Copy !req
272. Does Bono want the biddy?Copy !req
273. Yes, he likes the biddy doesn't he?Copy !req
274. Dude.Copy !req
275. I kept the crap in my office, nursed it, fed it biddy.Copy !req
276. And soon biddy made him strong. Biddy made him grow up!Copy !req
277. Into one of the most influential figures of our time. Easy Bono, that hurts the biddy.Copy !req
278. Biddy.Copy !req
279. My little crap has accomplished many things.Copy !req
280. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number two.Copy !req
281. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.Copy !req
282. That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people...Copy !req
283. but still seem like such a piece of shit.Copy !req
284. You have blemished this noble society's good name, Herr Broloff.Copy !req
285. Have I? Look at the crap I took all those years ago!Copy !req
286. Bono is now almost six feet tall and over 80 Courics in weight!Copy !req
287. No matter how you look at it, he is still the record!Copy !req
288. Oh God, here it comes! Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot!Copy !req
289. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Hot! Hot!Copy !req
290. My God... - It must be over a hundred Courics!Copy !req
291. Dad, are you all right? - Yeah, I'm...Copy !req
292. No, I'm good! Feel a lot better.Copy !req
293. Mr. Marsh, we apologize and if it's okay with you...Copy !req
294. we would like to present you... your long overdue trophy.Copy !req