South Park 11x5

Directed by Trey Parker

Stan wants to know the real reason kids have to decorate eggs for Easter, and what, if anything eggs and bunnies have to do with Jesus dying for his sins. To get to the bottom of it, Kyle and Stan get wrapped up in a bizarre society that guards a legendary secret.

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1. Look at that one, huh!

2. Half purple and half yellow

3. with a chickadee sticker.

4. I'm good.

5. Uh, can I ask a question?

6. Why do we do this?

7. Wha-what do you mean, "why do we do this"?

8. It's Easter.

9. Right, so why do we color eggs?

10. Well, so that the Easter Bunny can hide them!

11. Yeah, but why?

12. Stanley, Easter celebrates the day

13. that Jesus was resurrected

14. after being crucified for our sins.

15. So we dip eggs in colored vinegar

16. and a giant rabbit hides them?

17. That's right.

18. You don't see the missed steps in logic with that?

19. Look, I'm just saying that

20. somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross

21. and a giant bunny hiding eggs,

22. there seems to be a gap of information!

23. Stanley, just dye your God damn eggs!

24. I don't feel like coloring eggs!

25. I don't get it!

26. What is wrong with him?

27. Well, he's just getting older, Randy.

28. Maybe he's figured out the Easter Bunny isn't real.

29. You know so little.

30. And I want a Valtor Soldier doll for Easter

31. and five Crash-and-Go R.C. cars.

32. Do you got that? Do you have that?

33. Uh, don't you think that's...

34. No, no, you don't ask me questions.

35. You are a rabbit, I am a human.

36. So if you don't bring me what I want for Easter,

37. I can fucking kill you.

38. Smile!

39. Bye, Easter Bunny!

40. Oh, my God.

41. All right, can you please explain to me

42. what's going on? Huh?

43. What is the deal with the coloring the eggs

44. and you hiding them and all that?

45. What does that have to do with Jesus dying on the cross?

46. Is it symbolic?

47. Are you trying to reference something

48. that happened in biblical times?

49. Answer me!

50. Look, kid, I'm just a guy in a costume.

51. I know that.

52. But I figure you must have some knowledge

53. of what Easter is about

54. if you're playing the Easter Bunny at the mall.

55. Easter's just Easter.

56. Just go with it, kid.

57. No, I'm not gonna just go with it!

58. I'm gonna find out what's behind all this!

59. I need a break... can I have a break?

60. We have a problem.

61. Somebody's onto us.

62. Yeah, he's asking a lot of questions.

63. Only a matter of time before he finds out

64. what Easter's really about.

65. Yes, I understand what must be done.

66. Call the others.

67. Mom, Dad?

68. Anybody home?

69. Not now, Stanley, I'm on the toilet.

70. Dad, you gotta help me!

71. Hang on, I'm taking a crap.

72. Dad, there's Easter Bunnies chasing me!

73. What? They chased me from the mall!

74. I don't know what they want!

75. They're coming in!

76. Dad, open the door!

77. Dad?

78. We need to talk, Stan.

79. It's okay, guys.

80. Randy?

81. Yeah, guess it turns out

82. the kid we're after is my son.

83. Oh!

84. Tell the Grand Hare everything is okay.

85. I'll take it from here.

86. I wanted to keep this from you, Stan.

87. I really wanted to wait until you were older,

88. but you just had to keep asking questions!

89. Why were those other rabbit guys chasing me?

90. We have to be careful

91. when we think somebody's on to us.

92. We are all part of a secret society, Stan.

93. A very ancient, very important society of men

94. who follow the way of the rabbit

95. and protect the secret of the Easter Bunny.

96. We are called "The Hare Club for Men."

97. Does mom know about this?

98. Duh!

99. It's "The Hare Club for Men."

100. Chicks wouldn't understand.

101. I don't understand!

102. I belong to a secret society

103. that has been around for thousands of years.

104. Our identities have to be protected.

105. Could you take off the ears, please?

106. Stan, you don't seem to understand

107. how serious this is!

108. The secret of Easter that we protect

109. is something that could rock the foundation

110. of the entire world.

111. So what is the secret of Easter?

112. I can't tell you.

113. You have to be allowed into the society first.

114. But... But perhaps it's time.

115. I always knew this day would come,

116. when my son would be brought into the society.

117. Reminds me of the day I was brought in by my father.

118. Grandpa's in it too?

119. Of course.

120. Marshes have been in "The Hare Club for Men"

121. for generations, all the way back to the beginning.

122. Dad, do I have to wear this bag over my head

123. the entire time?

124. You aren't a member yet.

125. You can't know where our secret meetings take place.

126. We're going to a distant location,

127. an old building near a lake about 40 minutes away.

128. You mean the old Galvinston Lodge?

129. Damn it.

130. Hey, Charlie!

131. Hey, Bill! Evenin', Marcus!

132. Hey, look at you!

133. Hey, everybody.

134. Stan Marsh, welcome!

135. You must be very excited.

136. Must I?

137. There he is! There's my grandson!

138. Hi, Grandpa.

139. I'm proud of you, Billy.

140. Stan.

141. Attention, members.

142. Tonight, we determine if a new member

143. is worthy of protecting the secret.

144. Bring out... The rabbit.

145. All hail the cute rabbit, snowball.

146. Hail, Snowball. Hail, Snowball. Hail, Snowball.

147. Stan Marsh, are you ready to hear the secret of Easter?

148. Yeah.

149. Are you sure, Son?

150. Once you hear the secret, you will be bound to

151. "The Hare Club for Men" forever.

152. Yeah, I wanna know already.

153. Very well.

154. At the last supper, Jesus Christ met with his 12 disciples.

155. It was there that...

156. They found us!

157. Protect Snowball!

158. Ahh!

159. They're everywhere!

160. Ow... my arm!

161. Come on, we gotta go!

162. Agh!

163. Stan, take Snowball and get out of here!

164. Where am I supposed to go?

165. Just get outta here!

166. Huh!

167. Ooh!

168. Where is the rabbit?

169. Where are you taking us?

170. No, I'm not going anywhere!

171. Agh!

172. Jesus Christ!

173. Who did you give the rabbit to?

174. Oof!

175. Search the area!

176. The boy could not have gotten far!

177. Oh, no!

178. Help.

179. What happened?

180. My dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called

181. "The Hare Club for Men."

182. They protect the secret of Easter.

183. But before they said what it was,

184. they were attacked by ninjas

185. and put me in charge of Snowball.

186. I'm kind of finger-painting right now.

187. Dude, they took my dad away!

188. They even shot one of his fellow hares.

189. And now they're after me!

190. Do you know anything about Easter?

191. What is the connection between Jesus

192. and rabbits and colored eggs?

193. Dude, I'm Jewish, I have no idea.

194. Nelson!

195. Nelson, Nelson, say something.

196. My legs...

197. I think they're broken.

198. Nelson, do you know where we are?

199. Where did they take us?

200. Don't know.

201. We traveled for hours.

202. Kept blacking out.

203. You.

204. Hi, we'd like to speak to a Professor Teabag.

205. What is it in regard to?

206. The history of Easter.

207. Sorry, boys, it's a little late

208. for me to be giving lectures.

209. Please, do you know anything about

210. "The Hare Club for Men"?

211. The keepers?

212. The guardians of the secret?

213. My dad is in it.

214. This rabbit is too somehow.

215. Come on in.

216. "The Hare Club for Men" has been around for centuries.

217. One of its most famous members was Leonardo Da Vinci.

218. Behold "The Last Supper,"

219. the dinner Christ had with his disciples

220. the night before he was crucified.

221. What food do you see on the table?

222. Just bread.

223. Really?

224. Look to Jesus' right,

225. the food which is a little different color

226. than the others.

227. It kind of looks like an egg.

228. Yes, the egg marks the secret.

229. It lies directly in front of St. Peter.

230. Who was St. Peter?

231. He was the disciple that Jesus made into the first pope.

232. Eggs-actly.

233. But there's something the church didn't tell you.

234. In actuality, Peter wasn't a man at all.

235. St. Peter... Was a rabbit.

236. Peter Rabbit.

237. Of course, the church wouldn't allow Da Vinci

238. to paint Peter as a rabbit, so he painted him as a man,

239. but left clues.

240. Look closely.

241. I don't see it.

242. Look closlier.

243. He looks like a guy.

244. Look more closlier.

245. With laser technology we can look beneath the paint,

246. at the way Da Vinci originally painted it.

247. That is St. Peter.

248. The original pope of Christianity.

249. I don't believe it.

250. The proof is everywhere.

251. Look at the pope's hat... it makes no sense.

252. Except that it was originally designed for a rabbit.

253. But why would Jesus want a rabbit to run his church?

254. Because Jesus knew no one man

255. could speak for everyone in a religion.

256. Men can be intolerant.

257. Rabbits are pure.

258. But the Catholic Church buried the truth,

259. put a man in charge,

260. and "The Hare Club for Men have been decorating eggs

261. ever since to keep the secret in Da Vinci's painting alive.

262. So the Vatican took Stan's dad?

263. You dare to mock God by telling people

264. St. Peter was a rabbit?

265. You monster!

266. You have no right to wear that hat!

267. Trying to tell people that St. Peter was a rabbit

268. is blasphemy!

269. You must admit you are wrong or burn in hell.

270. It's saying stupid things like that

271. that made Jesus want to put a rabbit in charge.

272. I'm sorry I couldn't bring you the rabbit, Your Holiness,

273. but they know where it is.

274. The rabbit you call Snowball

275. is a threat to Christ's church.

276. Where is the rabbit?

277. I don't know.

278. And even if I did know...

279. Well, I'd probably tell you

280. because I don't want to be here anymore.

281. Take him to be tortured.

282. Tortured?

283. But, Bill, all this torturing and ninjas...

284. it just doesn't seem very Christian.

285. You asked for the help of the American Catholic League.

286. Let us do our job.

287. Take him!

288. No, no, you bunny-hating bastards!

289. Don't do this!

290. I don't get it.

291. Why would the pope be holding my dad hostage for Snowball?

292. I believe Snowball must be

293. a direct descendant of St. Peter himself,

294. and therefore the true heir of the pope's throne.

295. Mr. Teabag, get out!

296. Agh!

297. They found me!

298. Boys, get out of here!

299. Head to the woods.

300. I'll try to buy you some time.

301. check upstairs!

302. Kitchen's clear!

303. Try the office!

304. In here!

305. What's that?

306. Peeps!

307. So what now?

308. If the pope has my dad,

309. I have to give him what he wants.

310. You aren't just gonna hand Snowball over?

311. What choice do I have?

312. There's nobody left who can help us!

313. Wait.

314. Unless maybe there is.

315. Here, hold this.

316. Jesus, I know we haven't talked in a long time,

317. and I know that every time you appear

318. we end up killing you somehow,

319. but... I don't know what to do

320. and I could really use your help.

321. I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket.

322. Live from the Vatican,

323. it's our Easter vigil coverage.

324. As Holy Saturday comes to an end,

325. the Easter vigil at the Vatican begins.

326. Thousands have turned out to hear the pope

327. and celebrate the resurrection.

328. For this Easter vigil,

329. the pope is also showing his divine grace

330. by feeding the poor, with a massive rabbit stew.

331. No, no!

332. No, don't put... agh!

333. Bill, this seems extreme.

334. The child who has the rabbit

335. has to know that we are willing to kill the hostages

336. if he doesn't hand it over.

337. Your Holiness, a child has arrived with the rabbit!

338. You see?

339. Oh, thank God!

340. Hand it over, Stan, they're gonna kill me!

341. Give 'em the rabbit!

342. Yes, hand it over.

343. First, you have to promise you won't hurt it

344. and that you'll let everybody go.

345. We promise.

346. We swear it on the cross.

347. Just hand over the bunny, Stan!

348. Okay, fine.

349. Stanley, why did you do that?

350. I would have proudly died for that rabbit.

351. You said hand over the bunny!

352. No, that's is not the way we're remembering it!

353. Take them into custody!

354. Hey, what the hell?

355. Bill, we have the rabbit, it's all we need.

356. Don't be soft, Your Holiness!

357. These whores must be punished in front of everyone!

358. You swore on the cross, fatso!

359. Yeah.

360. Too bad for you it was a double-cross!

361. Aw, we should have seen that coming.

362. Bill, I'm not sure that double-crossing people

363. is very Christian.

364. It is what Christ would have wanted!

365. Who are you to say that?

366. It can't be.

367. Jesus! Jesus!

368. Jesus, we thought you died in Iraq.

369. I have the power of resurrection.

370. Or have you forgotten?

371. You all seem to have forgotten a lot of things.

372. Jesus, you did answer my prayer.

373. Actually, I was answering the prayer of Nick Donovan.

374. Oh, that's me... neat-o.

375. This is exactly why I put a rabbit in charge

376. of the church, Benedictus.

377. Because men are so easily led astray.

378. St. Peter was a rabbit.

379. And a rabbit should be pope.

380. Kill him. What?

381. He goes against the church. He must die.

382. All right, that does it, Bill.

383. I'm pretty sure that killing Jesus

384. is not very Christian.

385. You are soft, weak.

386. You leave me no choice.

387. Take them!

388. What are you doing?

389. I am the pope!

390. You are no longer able

391. to fulfill your duties to the Lord.

392. The Easter Vigil will go on as planned!

393. Every "Hare Club" member, young and old,

394. will watch as their precious savior dies.

395. What is your problem, guy?

396. Lock up those two Jews.

397. We'll deal with them later.

398. No, no!

399. A strange turn of events here at the Vatican.

400. Pope Benedictus has stepped down,

401. ushering the new era of Pope Bill Donahue.

402. My people, this Easter I am gonna start

403. by making our rabbit stew 10 times meatier!

404. No, listen, we aren't rabbits!

405. Oof!

406. Forgive me, Jesus.

407. We'll never get out in time to stop him!

408. Don't you have any super powers?

409. Not as a mortal, only in death.

410. Wait... that's it.

411. We have no choice, Kyle.

412. You are going to have to kill me.

413. What?

414. Stab me with this.

415. If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.

416. No way! Do it yourself!

417. Suicide is blasphemy.

418. There's no choice here, Kyle.

419. Dude, you don't understand, I'm a Jew.

420. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.

421. Just make it quick, through the neck.

422. I'll arise again immediately.

423. Don't make me do this.

424. My son, there is no time.

425. Do it!

426. Eric Cartman can never know about this.

427. I understand.

428. And, Kyle, Happy Easter.

429. Happy Easter, Jesus.

430. Agh, agh-agh!

431. Jesus?

432. Behold, no longer will Easter

433. be about bunnies and colored eggs!

434. Kill the rabbit!

435. Sorry, little bunny.

436. Snowball!

437. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

438. Jesus?

439. Stop!

440. That rabbit is of holy decent!

441. Why won't you go away?

442. One man cannot be the voice of the church.

443. Enough of this blasphemy!

444. I am the pope now!

445. That means I am the voice of God!

446. Not anymore.

447. I'm removing you from your position.

448. Eehh!

449. Agh!

450. All right, Jesus!

451. Your Holiness, what should we tell the world

452. about how to run their lives?

453. It isn't saying anything.

454. Yes, just as Jesus intended it.

455. Stanley, I'm so proud of you.

456. You have learned so very much this Easter.

457. Yeah, I've learned not to ask questions.

458. Just dye the eggs and keep my mouth shut.

459. That's my boy.