1. I'm going out to South Park
gonna have myself a time
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2. Friendly faces everywhere
humble folks without temptation
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3. I'm goin out to south park
gonna leave my woes behind
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4. Ample parking day or night
people spouting howdy neighbor
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5. I'm heading out to south park
to see if I cant unwind
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6. I like girls with big fat titties
really big fat titties
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7. So come on out to south park
and meet some friends of mine
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8. Episode 11x04
"The Snuke"
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9. All right, students, let's take our seats.
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10. Everyone try to be nice because we
have a new student joining us today
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11. and I know you'll all make him feel welcome.
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12. Say hello to Bahir Hassan Abdul Hakeem.
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13. Welcome to our class, Bahir.
- Thank you.
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14. Dude, not cool!
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15. Why don't you take a seat in Kyle's
empty desk for now?
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16. Okay.
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17. Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?
- What's wrong?
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18. Has he been checked for bombs?
- Eric, that's enough!
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19. Not all muslim people are terrorists!
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20. No, but most of them are.
And all it takes is most of them.
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21. Now you go, Bahir.
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22. Yeah?
- Kyle, are you on your computer?
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23. What? No, I'm sick.
- Get online.
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24. I need you to check something for me.
- Dude, leave me alone.
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25. Kyle, every one of our friends
might be in serious danger!
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26. What? Why?
- Get online now!
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27. All right, all right.
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28. Go to MySpace. See if there's
a MySpace page for a Bahir Hakeem.
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29. "Bahir Hakeem."
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30. Born in Chicago, eight years old,
his favorite color is green.
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31. Cartman, what is this all about?
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32. Kyle, I want you to check his buddy list.
How many MySpace friends does he have?
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33. Over a hundred.
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34. Look further down the page.
Does he list his favorite band?
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35. White Stripes.
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36. That's funny.
- What?
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37. He told everyone in class today
his favorite band was Blink 182.
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38. The following takes place between
recess and Geography class.
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39. Hello?
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40. Officer Barbrady, South Park Elementary
is in serious danger!
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41. From what? Who is this?
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42. I've just ID'd a muslim
and his MySpace page does not check out.
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43. You've got to get these people out of here now!
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44. Are you serious?
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45. If I wasn't serious,
would I be talking like this?
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46. Like what?
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47. Whispering, but whispering really
loudly for dramatic effect.
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48. Oh jeez.
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49. What the hell?
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50. All students are to evacuate
the school immediately!
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51. Hey, Bahir, since we get to go home,
you wanna come over, play checkers?
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52. Sure, okay.
- Allright!
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53. Dude.
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54. Yeah.
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55. Dude, I just got an IM from Stan
that they evacuated the school.
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56. Yeah. Now do you believe me
that something is going on?
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57. I guess so.
- Yeah, well I don't like it! It doesn't follow!
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58. What doesn't follow?
- Why would a terrorist just blow up a school?
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59. It's not their M.O. Unless...
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60. Oh my God!
Unless this was all just a big diversion.
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61. Kyle, I need you to Google-search
the South Park Chamber of Commerce!
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62. Okay.
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63. Their website should have a calendar of events,
is there anything big going on in town today?
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64. Yeah. Actually, there is.
- What?
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65. There's a Hillary Clinton campaign rally.
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66. Cartman?
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67. Sir! There's somebody calling in saying
there's going to be a terrorist attack
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68. on the Hillary Clinton rally today.
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69. What? This is CIA head, Alan Thompson.
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70. Mr. Thompson, you have to call off
the Clinton rally!
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71. There's a terrorist in South Park!
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72. What do you know?
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73. He just showed up out of the blue! I need
to speak with the President right away!
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74. I'm the head of the CIA! You can tell me!
- I said I will only talk to the President!
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75. Look, if you have information of a threat,
you could-
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76. I will have you arrested for-
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77. I can't hear you! Only the president!
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78. Call is coming through now, Mr. President.
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79. Hello?
- President Bush, this is Eric Cartman!
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80. Are we on a secure line?
- Huh? Who.
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81. Look, I know you're not the biggest Hildog fan,
but she is in great danger right now!
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82. Hildog?
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83. Yes, I understand.
I'll let Ms. Clinton know.
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84. What is it, Brian?
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85. Ms. Clinton, we just received word of a
possible terrorist attack on your rally today.
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86. Is the thread credible?
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87. We aren't sure, but perhaps
it's best we call it off.
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88. No. No, I will not be bullied
by terrorist threats.
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89. Your men do a good job, Brian.
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90. I have faith that any thread will
be taken care of accordingly.
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91. We've reached the rally site, Hildog.
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92. Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton,
I'm sure everything will be fine.
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93. Thank you, Chris.
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94. They know about the bomb!
- That is impossible!
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95. We took every measure to assure
the bomb was hidden from sight.
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96. Well somebody tipped off the CIA.
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97. I don't know how much they know,
but security has been heightened.
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98. That bomb must travel with
the Clinton rally to Boston!
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99. The bomb won't make it to Boston now!
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100. With the heightened security, it's only
a matter of time before they find it!
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101. Then we have no choice.
We have to move up the attack.
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102. I understand, comrade.
- Prepare yourself.
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103. We detonate the bomb within the hour.
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104. Kyle, I'm at the Clinton rally site,
but there's no sign of that kid!
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105. So then maybe you're wrong.
- Nope, I'm not wrong.
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106. He must be somehow attacking remotely
from his house. Did you find the address?
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107. Yeah. I cross-referenced his MySpace
page with realtor.com.
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108. His parents moved into that
green house on Janice Street.
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109. Jesus, that's on the other side of town.
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110. All right, Kyle, I'm going to take a picture
with my camera phone and upload it to you.
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111. You ready?
- Yeah.
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112. What is that?
- It's my balls!
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113. Goddamnit Cartman!
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114. Okay. Okay, Kyle, let's stay focused here.
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115. People of South Park, it is my honor to introduce
a woman who deserves nothing but respect.
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116. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton!
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117. It is so nice to be back in a small town
like the one I came from.
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118. Hildog!
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119. Otis Green, anything on that bomb threat?
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120. We have the bomb-smiffing pig
going through the crowd.
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121. If there is a bomb, the pig will find it.
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122. This is why I campaign in small towns
like these!
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123. Because it is in towns like South Park
that you find the true America!
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124. Oh my God, she got a scent!
- What?
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125. The pig is picking up the smell
of nuclear residue.
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126. Terrorists have hidden a bomb!
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127. Oh my God! Where?
Where could they have stashed it?
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128. Come on, find it. Find!
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129. My God, they hid it under the stage?
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130. No wait, look.
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131. How much money do we have to waste
on needless spending
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132. when we should be focusing
all our attention on...
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133. on the education of all-
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134. There, girl.
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135. On the education of all children.
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136. Oh, I declare!
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137. Oh my God. Do you think they could have
hidden a nuclear device up Mrs. Clinton's...
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138. Mr. Thompson, the kid who called
in the warning was right!
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139. We uncovered intel that terrorists
have obtained a nuclear device
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140. and that they have most likely
hidden it in Mrs. Clinton's...
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141. Well, in her...
- In her what?
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142. In her snatch, sir.
- What?
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143. What is going on? I wasn't finished.
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144. Security measure, Mrs. Clinton.
Probably nothing.
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145. Yes?
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146. Mr. Jeffries, this is Alan Thompson
with the CIA.
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147. We have reason to believe that Mrs. Clinton
may have a nuclear device up her snatch.
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148. A what?
- A snatch.
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149. It's the technical term for vagina.
- No, I mean what kind of nuclear device?
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150. Mr. Jeffries, this is Frank Waters.
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151. It's a suitcase nuke, designed to fit in
a woman's snizz. It's called a snuke.
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152. What is going on, Brian?
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153. Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists
have snuck a snuke up your snizz.
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154. Oh my.
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155. What can we do? Can we disable the timer?
- It won't have a timer.
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156. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever
our terrorist is has a detonator with him.
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157. But then that means...
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158. Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone
in the town of South Park is going to die.
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159. Forever.
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160. Do we have that phone trace?
- The call is going through now, sir.
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161. Yeah?
- This is CIA head Alan Thompson.
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162. We spoke before about the-
- Yes, Mr. Thompson?
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163. Well, we've just arrived in your town.
- Why? Did you find something?
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164. Yes. There's a suitcase nuke
in Ms. Clinton's snizz.
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165. A snuke?
- That's right.
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166. It's controlled by a remote detonator.
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167. We have to locate the terrorist
before he sets it off.
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168. I have the address of the house
the terrorist moved into.
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169. I'm almost there now, where are you?
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170. We're on the town's main street,
right by an ice cream shop.
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171. Oh dude, I'm, I'm right next to you.
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172. Oh, hey.
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173. Dude, we totally got let out of school.
- I know. Something big is going on.
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174. Take a look at this. I did a Google search
for "Hillary Clinton Campaign Rally" right?
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175. And one of the links was to YouTube, where
this Russian guy had a bunch of videos.
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176. Russian?
- Yeah, this guy, Vladimir Stolfsky.
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177. He had videos on YouTube of every single rally.
- So he's a Hillary Clinton fan.
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178. No. I cross-referenced his
YouTube profile with MySpace
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179. and according to his blog,
he's an old-school Communist.
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180. So what's he doing at every Clinton rally?
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181. Do a WebCrawler search, maybe he
has podcasts up somewhere.
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182. Oh that's a good idea.
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183. What is going on? What have we done?
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184. They claim they don't know anything
about an attack.
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185. Big surprise!
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186. Sir, first pass of the house, we didn't
find a snuke detonator anywhere.
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187. We thought he was at school.
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188. We thought he was at school.
He's not at school?
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189. You're doing great, Ms. Clinton.
- Do they know how long, Brian?
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190. How long before the snuke in
my snizz goes off?
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191. They'll find the detonator, Hildog.
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192. We can't wait for them to find the detonator.
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193. If we can get to the bomb,
maybe we can deactivate it.
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194. Can't somebody go and take a loo
inside Mrs. Clinton's snizz?
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195. I'm not sending any of my men in there.
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196. Are you almost ready to set off the bomb?
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197. Everything is set. We have
the detonator up and running.
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198. Mr. Hakeem, we need to know where your son is!
- I tell you, I do not know.
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199. This is getting us nowhere.
If he knows anything, he's not saying.
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200. Let me have time with him.
- What are you going to do?
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201. We have to find that detonator!
Let me have time with him!
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202. You will tell me where your son is!
- He should be at school!
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203. Hey!
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204. Where is the detonator?
- What detonator are you ta-
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205. I can do this all day.
- I don't know anything about a-
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206. Stop it! Really!
- You can make it stop!
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207. I don't have the-
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208. Are we just gonna let this go on?
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209. Okay, I got a text of the Russian guy's
podcast. It's all a bunch of links to eBay.
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210. You should be able to search his username on
eBay and see what he's been buying and selling.
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211. Ferris, set up over there.
Two of you can take that bed area.
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212. Hey!
- Donner, take over that station.
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213. What's going on?
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214. This apartment is being absorbed
by Homeland Security!
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215. Homeland Security?
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216. Look, your little game of going
over people's heads is over!
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217. You could still work, but from now on
you answer to me, you got that?
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218. Excuse me, who's in charge here?
- I am!
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219. Yeah well not anymore you're not. This
apartment has just been assigned to the FBI.
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220. That's outrageous! On whose orders?
- On order of the Secretary of Defense!
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221. You had your shot, now I'm in charge!
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222. Not anymore you're not!
Orders just came down from Central!
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223. They want ATF handling this on all fronts!
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224. All right people, from now on
you're answering to me!
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225. Not anymore they're not!
Orders from the President.
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226. He wants this handled by his staff personally!
Now Nelson is in charge.
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227. Not anymore I'm not!
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228. What are you going to do to my wife?
- Nothing if you tell me where your son is!
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229. We told you, we don't know.
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230. Do you know what this is?
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231. This is apple juice.
It gives super bad farts.
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232. Did he just inject himself with apple juice?
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233. Where is your son?
- She doesn't know either.
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234. I mean it! Stop! That is disgusting!
Where is your mother?
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235. Answer it!
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236. Hallo? Hallo Bahir.
Where are you?
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237. Who it Butters?
- Butters.
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238. Bahir, one of your classmates
is keeping us hostage.
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239. You filthy little rapscallion!
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240. We got him! I know where he is!
- All right, where? We'll send our people in.
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241. No no, he's my lead.
- You're not going alone.
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242. You blow in there and you risk taking
him down without finding the detonator!
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243. I'm going to find out where it is!
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244. All right, people, I'm in charge now
and we will find the terrorists.
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245. Jarvis, I want you to check for
any terrorist chatter on AOL.
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246. Marley and Greggs, try searching
for nuclear devices on askjeeves.com.
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247. Ask Jeeves? Nobody uses Ask Jeeves!
Just Google-search it!
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248. Are you telling me how to do my job?
- Yes.
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249. There's a Russian guy named Vladimir Stolfsky
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250. who's got search engine hits all
over this thing.
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251. Chase, search the name Stolfsky on YouTube
and cross-reference it with JDate!
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252. Checking.
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253. Look, these Russian guys all have blogs
talking about this
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254. like it's just some big diversion
for something much bigger!
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255. Sir, these kids are right. We've just
received intel that Russian terrorists
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256. are believed to be responsible
for the threat.
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257. Where's the intel from?
- We just read it on Drudge Report.
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258. Look, we already have the guy's blog.
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259. Maybe we can find an address
and check it out on MapQuest.
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260. We do this my way!
I'm the one in charge!
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261. Not anymore you're not.
- Oh, snap.
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262. I captured another one of your pieces, Bahir.
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263. Oh hey Eric.
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264. Where is the detonator!
- The what?
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265. You have exactly five seconds before I start
dropping serious apple juice farts on your face!
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266. One!
- Leave me alone!
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267. Stop!
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268. Hey, I was about to win!
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269. Stop, terrorist, or I will shoot you!
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270. Get in the van!
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271. Uh, that's cool.
I'm actually not playing anymore.
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272. Get in the van!
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273. That's it! We don't have a choice anymore!
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274. Somebody is going to have to go in
and try to disarm the snuke manually!
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275. No, it's too dangerous! That snatch
has not seen action in over 30 years!
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276. It could be toxic!
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277. I'll do it!
I'll check out Ms. Clinton's snizz.
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278. Let me go! Please! I am just a little boy!
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279. You called and warned the government
of our plans!
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280. What you don't know is that we
are merely mercenaries!
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281. We were paid to set up the snuke so that
the real enemy of America could attack!
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282. That's cool. I'm fine with muslims invading.
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283. You really think Muslims are behind
this terrorist threat?
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284. Uh yes, of course?
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285. America had other enemies before the Muslims,
you know. Who is America's oldest enemy?
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286. The Russians?
- Before that.
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287. The Germans?
- Before that.
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288. The Germans again?
- Before that!
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289. I am talking about the oldest threat to America!
The greatest enemy America has ever known!
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290. You can't possible mean...
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291. Two hundred years we've waited. Finally.
We will get those traitors to the Crown!
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292. Yes, Your Majesty?
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293. The Russians are ready to set off
the diversion.
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294. Full sail.
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295. Full sail, your Majesty.
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296. All right, Brian, this is it.
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297. Get in there and see if you can disarm
the snuke in Ms. Clinton's snatch.
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298. All right. I'm nearing her snizz now.
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299. God help him.
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300. What do you see, Brian?
- It's dark. Cold.
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301. You're doing fine, Brian. Get as close as
you can. You have to look inside the snizz.
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302. Allright, I'm, looking.
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303. Yes, I see...
I see the device!
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304. You're doing great, Brian. Hang in there.
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305. There's um, metal housing some kind of
three-pronged triggering mechanism that...
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306. Wait there's something else here!
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307. There's something...
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308. Say again, Brian.
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309. There's something perched on the snuke's coil.
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310. Oh God, it's looking at me!
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311. Brian, get out of there!
- What are you?
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312. I have no qualm with you!
Stay back! Stay back I-
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313. Brian? Brian, what's happening?
- It's eating my head! It's eating my head!
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314. Oh my!
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315. I got it! I got it!
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316. According to PayPal, the Russian guys
are just hired mercenaries
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317. who had ads up on Craig's List
and got paid through eBay.
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318. So that person could be attacked
by the British.
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319. The British?
- Loyalist Red Coats!
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320. Sir, I found the Russian's eHarmony account!
It does list an address in South Park!
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321. All right! MapQuest the address!
- I'll use Google Maps. It has live traffic.
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322. Good thinking.
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323. Sir, we have the terrorists' location.
IM'ing you now.
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324. It was good knowing you, comrade.
- Please. Think about what you are doing.
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325. The British are just using you,
you're going to die.
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326. Yes, but we will be rich.
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327. Left flank, prig prang and clear! Go!
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328. The game is over! Get down on the ground!
- How did they find us?
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329. We know about everything! Your diversion
to help the Red Coats is over!
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330. It doesn't matter.
The detonator is on a timer.
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331. You are too late!
In three minutes!
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332. What the hell?
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333. The power went out!
- Well so then what time is it?
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334. Oh crap.
- Take 'em down!
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335. No! I don't want to die without being paid!
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336. The detonator is secured, general.
You are cleared to proceed.
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337. The Rebel Americans know of our attack?
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338. How?
- Fire at will!
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339. Yes?
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340. Your Majesty, the attack has failed.
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341. We were unable to end the American Revolution.
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342. I see.
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343. Well, looks like we saved our country
from British rule once again.
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344. Yeah. It just proves we need to learn
not to profile one race of people.
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345. Because, actually,
most of the world hates us.
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346. Well Bahir, I was thinking that maybe
I owe you an apology.
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347. Really?
- Yes.
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348. But then I realized that technically,
I don't.
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349. Because by being suspicious of you
I saved your life and everyone else's.
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350. So really, you own me an apology.
But that's cool.
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351. You didn't save everyone, I did!
You were just out harrassing muslims!
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352. But if I hadn't called you in the first place
to check out the muslim
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353. you would have just stayed
in bed sick all day, right?
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354. Maybe.
- Maybe?
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355. If I hadn't called you, you wouldn't have been
on your computer checking out the Clinton rally.
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356. That means my intolerance of muslims
saved America.
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357. That is so missing the point.
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358. Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb
from going off, yes or no?
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359. That's not the right way to look at it, I-
- Yes or no, Kyle?
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360. No! Not, not like you're saying.
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361. But that's all I'm saying:
today, bigotry and racism saved the day.
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362. Bahir, you get this, right?
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363. Bahir! Get away from that disgusting child!
Get back home and start packing your things!
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364. We are leaving this whole intolerant country!
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365. Okay. Who got rid of the Muslims, huh?
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366. That was all me.
Simple thank you will suffice.
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