1. I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,Copy !req
2. Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,Copy !req
3. I'm goin out to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,Copy !req
4. Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,Copy !req
5. I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,Copy !req
6. I like girls with big fat titties,
I like girls with really big fat titties,Copy !req
7. So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,Copy !req
8. All right, students,
let's take our seats.Copy !req
9. Everyone try to be nice because
we have a new student joining us today,Copy !req
10. and I know you'll all
make him feel welcome.Copy !req
11. Say hello to Bahir Hassan
Abdul Hakeem.Copy !req
12. Uh-oh.Copy !req
13. - Welcome to our class, Bahir.
- Thank you.Copy !req
14. Dude, dude, not cool!Copy !req
15. Why don't you take a seat
in Kyle's empty desk for now?Copy !req
16. Okay.Copy !req
17. Eric, what the hell
is wrong with you?Copy !req
18. What's wrong?Copy !req
19. - Has he been checked for bombs?
- Eric, that's enough!Copy !req
20. Not all Muslim people
are terrorists!Copy !req
21. No, but most of them are.
And all it takes is most of them.Copy !req
22. Now you go, Bahir.Copy !req
23. - Yeah?
- Kyle, are you on your computer?Copy !req
24. - What? No, I'm sick.
- Get online.Copy !req
25. I need you
to check something for me.Copy !req
26. Dude, leave me alone.Copy !req
27. Kyle, every one of our friends
might be in serious danger!Copy !req
28. - What? Why?
- Get online now!Copy !req
29. All right, all right.Copy !req
30. Go to MySpace. See if there's
a MySpace page for a Bahir Hakeem.Copy !req
31. "Bahir Hakeem."Copy !req
32. Born in Chicago, eight years old,
his favorite color is green.Copy !req
33. Cartman,
what is this all about?Copy !req
34. Kyle, I want you to check
his buddy list.Copy !req
35. How many MySpace friends
does he have?Copy !req
36. Over a hundred.Copy !req
37. Look further down the page.
Does he list his favorite band?Copy !req
38. White Stripes.Copy !req
39. - That's funny.
- What?Copy !req
40. He told everyone in class today
his favorite band was Blink 182.Copy !req
41. The following takes place between
recess and Geography class.Copy !req
42. Hello?Copy !req
43. Officer Barbrady, South Park Elementary
is in serious danger!Copy !req
44. From what?
Who is this?Copy !req
45. I've just ID'd
a MuslimCopy !req
46. and his MySpace page
does not check out.Copy !req
47. You've got to get these
people out of here now!Copy !req
48. Are you serious?Copy !req
49. If I wasn't serious,
would I be talking like this?Copy !req
50. Like what?Copy !req
51. Whispering, but whispering really
loudly for dramatic effect.Copy !req
52. Oh jeez.Copy !req
53. What the hell?Copy !req
54. All students are to evacuate
the school immediately!Copy !req
55. Hey, Bahir, since
we get to go home,Copy !req
56. you wanna come over
play checkers?Copy !req
57. - Sure, okay.
- All right!Copy !req
58. Dude.Copy !req
59. Yeah.Copy !req
60. Dude, I just got an IM from Stan
that they evacuated the school.Copy !req
61. Yeah. Now do you believe me
that something is going on?Copy !req
62. I guess so.Copy !req
63. Yeah, well I don't like it!
It doesn't follow!Copy !req
64. What doesn't follow?Copy !req
65. Why would a terrorist
just blow up a school?Copy !req
66. It's not their M.O.
unless...Copy !req
67. Oh my God! Unless this was
all just a big diversion.Copy !req
68. Kyle, I need you to Google-search
the South Park Chamber of Commerce!Copy !req
69. Okay.Copy !req
70. Their website should have
a calendar of events.Copy !req
71. Is there anything big
going on in town today?Copy !req
72. - Yeah. Actually, there is.
- What?Copy !req
73. There's a Hillary Clinton
campaign rally.Copy !req
74. Cartman? Cartman?Copy !req
75. Sir! There's somebody
calling in sayingCopy !req
76. there's going
to be a terrorist attackCopy !req
77. on the Hillary Clinton
rally today.Copy !req
78. What? This is CIA head,
Alan Thompson.Copy !req
79. Mr. Thompson, you have to call off
the Clinton rally!Copy !req
80. There's a terrorist
in South Park!Copy !req
81. What do you know?Copy !req
82. He just showed up
out of the blue!Copy !req
83. I need to speak with
the President right away!Copy !req
84. I'm the head of the CIA!
You can tell me!Copy !req
85. I said I will only talk
to the President!Copy !req
86. Look, if you have information
of a threat, you could—Copy !req
87. I will have you
arrested for—Copy !req
88. I can't hear you!
Only the president!Copy !req
89. Call is coming through now,
Mr. President.Copy !req
90. Hello?Copy !req
91. President Bush,
it's Eric Cartman.Copy !req
92. - Are we on a secure line?
- Huh? Who?Copy !req
93. Look, I know you're not
the biggest Hildog fan,Copy !req
94. but she is in great danger
right now!Copy !req
95. Hildog?Copy !req
96. Yes, I understand.
I'll let Ms. Clinton know.Copy !req
97. What is it, Brian?Copy !req
98. Ms. Clinton,
we just received wordCopy !req
99. of a possible terrorist attack
on your rally today.Copy !req
100. Is the threat credible?Copy !req
101. We aren't sure, but perhaps
it's best we call it off.Copy !req
102. No. No, I will not be bullied
by terrorist threats.Copy !req
103. Your men
do a good job, Brian.Copy !req
104. I have faith that any thread will
be taken care of accordingly.Copy !req
105. We've reached
the rally site, Hildog.Copy !req
106. Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton,
I'm sure everything will be fine.Copy !req
107. Thank you, Chris.Copy !req
108. They know
about the bomb!Copy !req
109. That is impossible!Copy !req
110. We took every measure to assure
the bomb was hidden from sight.Copy !req
111. Well, somebody tipped off
the CIA.Copy !req
112. I don't know how much they know,
but security has been heightened.Copy !req
113. That bomb must travel with
the Clinton rally to Boston!Copy !req
114. The bomb won't make it
to Boston now!Copy !req
115. With the heightened security,Copy !req
116. it's only a matter of time
before they find it!Copy !req
117. Then we have no choice.
We have to move up the attack.Copy !req
118. - I understand, comrade.
- Prepare yourself.Copy !req
119. We detonate the bomb
within the hour.Copy !req
120. Kyle, I'm at the Clinton rally site,
but there's no sign of that kid!Copy !req
121. - So then maybe you're wrong.
- Nope, I'm not wrong.Copy !req
122. He must be somehow attacking
remotely from his house.Copy !req
123. Did you find the address?Copy !req
124. Yeah. I cross-referenced his
MySpace page with Realtor.com.Copy !req
125. His parents moved into
that green house on Janice Street.Copy !req
126. Jesus, that's on
the other side of town.Copy !req
127. All right, Kyle, I'm going
to take a pictureCopy !req
128. with my camera phone
and upload it to you.Copy !req
129. - You ready?
- Yeah.Copy !req
130. - What is that?
- It's my balls!Copy !req
131. Goddamnit Cartman!Copy !req
132. Okay. Okay, Kyle,
let's stay focused here.Copy !req
133. People of South Park,
it is my honorCopy !req
134. to introduce a woman who
deserves nothing but respect.Copy !req
135. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton!Copy !req
136. It is so nice to be back in a small town
like the one I came from.Copy !req
137. Hildog!Copy !req
138. Otis Green, anything
on that bomb threat?Copy !req
139. We have the bomb-smiffing pig
going through the crowd.Copy !req
140. If there is a bomb,
the pig will find it.Copy !req
141. This is why I campaign
in small towns like these!Copy !req
142. Because it is in towns like South Park
that you find the true America!Copy !req
143. - Oh my God, she got a scent!
- What?Copy !req
144. The pig is picking up the smell
of nuclear residue.Copy !req
145. Terrorists
have hidden a bomb!Copy !req
146. Oh my God! Where?
Where could they have stashed it?Copy !req
147. Come on, find it.
Find!Copy !req
148. My God, they hid it
under the stage?Copy !req
149. No wait, look.Copy !req
150. How much money do we have to waste
on needless spendingCopy !req
151. when we should be focusing
all our attention on...Copy !req
152. on the education of all—Copy !req
153. Whoa, there, girl.Copy !req
154. On the education
of all children.Copy !req
155. Oh, I declare!Copy !req
156. Oh my God.Copy !req
157. Do you think they could have hidden
a nuclear device up Mrs. Clinton's...Copy !req
158. Mr. Thompson, that kid who called
in the warning was right!Copy !req
159. We uncovered intel that terrorists
have obtained a nuclear deviceCopy !req
160. and that they have most likely
hidden it in Mrs. Clinton's...Copy !req
161. - Well, in her...
- In her what?Copy !req
162. - In her snatch, sir.
- What?Copy !req
163. What is going on?
I wasn't finished.Copy !req
164. Security measure, Mrs. Clinton.
Probably nothing.Copy !req
165. Yes?Copy !req
166. Mr. Jeffries, this is Alan Thompson
with the CIA.Copy !req
167. We have reason to believe
that Mrs. ClintonCopy !req
168. may have a nuclear device
up her snatch.Copy !req
169. - A what?
- A snatch.Copy !req
170. It's the technical term
for vagina.Copy !req
171. No, I mean what kind
of nuclear device?Copy !req
172. Mr. Jeffries,
this is Frank Waters.Copy !req
173. It's a suitcase nuke, designed
to fit in a woman's snizz.Copy !req
174. It's called a snuke.Copy !req
175. What is going on, Brian?Copy !req
176. Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists
have snuck a snuke up your snizz.Copy !req
177. Oh my!Copy !req
178. What can we do?
Can we disable the timer?Copy !req
179. It won't have a timer.Copy !req
180. Snukes are detonated remotely.Copy !req
181. Whoever our terrorist is
has a detonator with him.Copy !req
182. But then that means...Copy !req
183. Yes. If we don't find
that detonator,Copy !req
184. everyone in the town of
South Park is going to die.Copy !req
185. Forever.Copy !req
186. - Do we have that phone trace?
- The call is going through now, sir.Copy !req
187. - Yeah?
- This is CIA head Alan Thompson.Copy !req
188. - We spoke before about the—
- Yes, Mr. Thompson?Copy !req
189. - Well, we've just arrived in your town.
- Why? Did you find something?Copy !req
190. Yes. There's a suitcase nuke
in Ms. Clinton's snizz.Copy !req
191. - A snuke?
- That's right.Copy !req
192. It's controlled
by a remote detonator.Copy !req
193. We have to locate the terrorist
before he sets it off.Copy !req
194. I have the address of the house
the terrorist moved into.Copy !req
195. I'm almost there now,
where are you?Copy !req
196. We're on the town's main street,
right by an ice cream shop.Copy !req
197. Oh dude, I'm,
I'm right next to you.Copy !req
198. Oh, hey.Copy !req
199. Dude, we totally got
let out of school.Copy !req
200. I know.
Something big is going on.Copy !req
201. Take a look at this.Copy !req
202. I did a Google search for
"Hillary Clinton Campaign Rally", right?Copy !req
203. And one of the links was to YouTube, where
this Russian guy had a bunch of videos.Copy !req
204. - Russian?
- Yeah, this guy, Vladimir Stolfsky.Copy !req
205. He had videos on YouTube
of every single rally.Copy !req
206. So he's a Hillary Clinton fan.Copy !req
207. No. I cross-referenced
his YouTube profile with MySpaceCopy !req
208. and according to his blog,
he's an old-school Communist.Copy !req
209. So what's he doing
at every Clinton rally?Copy !req
210. Do a WebCrawler search, maybe
he has podcasts up somewhere.Copy !req
211. Oh that's a good idea.Copy !req
212. What is going on?
What have we done?Copy !req
213. They claim they don't know anything
about an attack.Copy !req
214. Big surprise!Copy !req
215. Sir, first pass of the house, we didn't
find a snuke detonator anywhere.Copy !req
216. Mr. Akim, where is your son?Copy !req
217. We thought he was at school.
He's not at school?Copy !req
218. - You're doing great, Ms. Clinton.
- Do they know how long, Brian?Copy !req
219. How long before the snuke
in my snizz goes off?Copy !req
220. They'll find
the detonator, Hildog.Copy !req
221. We can't wait for them
to find the detonator.Copy !req
222. If we can get to the bomb,
maybe we can deactivate it.Copy !req
223. Can't somebody go and take a look
inside Mrs. Clinton's snizz?Copy !req
224. I'm not sending
any of my men in there.Copy !req
225. Are you almost ready
to set off the bomb?Copy !req
226. Everything is set. We have
the detonator up and running.Copy !req
227. Mr. Hakeem, we need
to know where your son is!Copy !req
228. I tell you,
I do not know.Copy !req
229. This is getting us nowhere.
If he knows anything, he's not saying.Copy !req
230. - Let me have time with him.
- What are you going to do?Copy !req
231. We have to find that detonator!
Let me have time with him!Copy !req
232. - You will tell me where your son is!
- He should be at school!Copy !req
233. Hey!Copy !req
234. - Where is the detonator?
- What detonator are you ta—Copy !req
235. - I can do this all day.
- I don't know anything about a—Copy !req
236. - Stop it! Really!
- You can make it stop!Copy !req
237. I don't have the—Copy !req
238. Are we just gonna
let this go on?Copy !req
239. Okay, I got a text of
the Russian guy's podcast.Copy !req
240. It's all a bunch of links
to eBay.Copy !req
241. You should be able to
search his username on eBayCopy !req
242. and see what he's been
buying and selling.Copy !req
243. Ferris, set up over there.
Two of you can take that bed area.Copy !req
244. - Hey!
- Donner, take over that station.Copy !req
245. What's going on?Copy !req
246. This apartment is being absorbed
by Homeland Security!Copy !req
247. Homeland Security?Copy !req
248. Look, your little game of going
over people's heads is over!Copy !req
249. You could still work, but from now on
you answer to me, you got that?Copy !req
250. - Excuse me, who's in charge here?
- I am!Copy !req
251. Yeah, well,
not anymore you're not.Copy !req
252. This department has just
been assigned to the FBI.Copy !req
253. - That's outrageous! On whose orders?
- On order of the Secretary of Defense!Copy !req
254. You had your shot,
now I'm in charge!Copy !req
255. Not anymore you're not!
Orders just came down from Central!Copy !req
256. They want ATF
handling this on all fronts!Copy !req
257. All right people, from now on
you're answering to me!Copy !req
258. Not anymore, they're not!
Orders from the President.Copy !req
259. He wants this handled
by his staff personally.Copy !req
260. Now Nelson is in charge.Copy !req
261. Not anymore I'm not!Copy !req
262. What are you going
to do to my wife?Copy !req
263. Nothing if you tell me
where your son is!Copy !req
264. We told you,
we don't know.Copy !req
265. Do you know
what this is?Copy !req
266. This is apple juice.
It gives me super bad farts.Copy !req
267. Did he just inject himself
with apple juice?Copy !req
268. - Where is your son?
- She doesn't know either.Copy !req
269. I mean it! Stop! That is disgusting!
Where is your mother?Copy !req
270. Answer it!Copy !req
271. Hello? Hello Bahir.
Where are you?Copy !req
272. - Who is Butters?
- Butters.Copy !req
273. Bahir, one of your classmates
is keeping us hostage.Copy !req
274. You filthy little rapscallion!Copy !req
275. We got him!
I know where he is!Copy !req
276. All right, where?
We'll send our people in.Copy !req
277. - No, no, he's my lead.
- You're not going alone.Copy !req
278. You blow in there and
you risk taking him downCopy !req
279. without finding the detonator!Copy !req
280. I'm going to find out
where it is!Copy !req
281. All right, people, I'm in charge now
and we will find these terrorists.Copy !req
282. Jarvis, I want you to check for
any terrorist chatter on AOL.Copy !req
283. Marley and Greggs, try searching
for nuclear devices on AskJeeves.com.Copy !req
284. Ask Jeeves? Nobody uses Ask Jeeves!
Just Google-search it!Copy !req
285. Are you telling me
how to do my job?Copy !req
286. Yes.Copy !req
287. There's a Russian guy named
Vladimir StolfskyCopy !req
288. who's got search engine hits
all over this thing.Copy !req
289. Chase, search the name
Stolfsky on YouTubeCopy !req
290. and cross-reference it
with JDate!Copy !req
291. Checking.Copy !req
292. Look, these Russian guys all have blogs
talking about thisCopy !req
293. like it's just some big diversion
for something much bigger!Copy !req
294. Sir, these kids are right. We've just
received intel that Russian terroristsCopy !req
295. are believed to be responsible
for the threat.Copy !req
296. - Where's the intel from?
- We just read it on Drudge Report.Copy !req
297. Look, we already have
the guy's blog.Copy !req
298. Maybe we can find an address
and check it out on MapQuest.Copy !req
299. We do this my way!
I'm the one in charge!Copy !req
300. - Not anymore you're not.
- Oh, snap.Copy !req
301. I captured another one
of your pieces, Bahir.Copy !req
302. Oh, hey Eric.Copy !req
303. - Where is the detonator!
- The what?Copy !req
304. You have exactly five seconds
before I start droppingCopy !req
305. serious apple juice farts
on your face!Copy !req
306. - One!
- Leave me alone!Copy !req
307. Stop!Copy !req
308. Hey, I was
about to win!Copy !req
309. Stop, terrorist,
or I will shoot you!Copy !req
310. Get in the van!Copy !req
311. Uh, that's cool.
I'm actually not playing anymore.Copy !req
312. Get in the van!Copy !req
313. That's it! We don't have
a choice anymore!Copy !req
314. Somebody is going to have to go in
and try to disarm the snuke manually!Copy !req
315. No, it's too dangerous!Copy !req
316. That snatch has not seen action
in over 30 years!Copy !req
317. It could be toxic!Copy !req
318. I'll do it!
I'll check out Ms. Clinton's snizz.Copy !req
319. Let me go! Please!
I am just a little boy!Copy !req
320. You called and warned
the government of our plans!Copy !req
321. What you don't know is that
we are simply mercenaries,Copy !req
322. We were paid to set up the snuke so that
the real enemy of America could attack.Copy !req
323. That's cool.
I'm fine with Muslims invading.Copy !req
324. You really think Muslims are behind
this terrorist threat?Copy !req
325. Uh yes, of course?Copy !req
326. America had other enemies
before the Muslims, you know.Copy !req
327. Who is America's
oldest enemy?Copy !req
328. - The Russians?
- Before that.Copy !req
329. - The Germans?
- Before that.Copy !req
330. - The Germans again?
- Before that!Copy !req
331. I am talking about
the oldest threat to America!Copy !req
332. The greatest enemy
America has ever known!Copy !req
333. You can't possibly mean...Copy !req
334. Two hundred years
we've waited. Finally.Copy !req
335. We will get those traitors
to the Crown!Copy !req
336. Yes, Your Majesty?Copy !req
337. The Russians are ready to set off
the diversion.Copy !req
338. Full sail.Copy !req
339. Full sail, your Majesty.Copy !req
340. All right, Brian,
this is it.Copy !req
341. Get in there and see
if you can disarmCopy !req
342. the snuke
in Ms. Clinton's snatch.Copy !req
343. All right.
I'm nearing her snizz now.Copy !req
344. God help him.Copy !req
345. - What do you see, Brian?
- It's dark. Cold.Copy !req
346. You're doing fine, Brian.Copy !req
347. Get as close as you can.
You have to look inside the snizz.Copy !req
348. All right,
I'm looking.Copy !req
349. Yes, I see...
I see the device!Copy !req
350. You're doing great, Brian.
Hang in there.Copy !req
351. There's um, metal housing.Copy !req
352. Some kind of three-pronged
triggering mechanism that...Copy !req
353. Wait, there's
something else here!Copy !req
354. There's something...Copy !req
355. Say again, Brian.Copy !req
356. There's something perched
on the snuke's coil.Copy !req
357. Oh God,
it's looking at me!Copy !req
358. - Brian, get out of there!
- What— What are you?Copy !req
359. I've no qualms with you!
Stay back! Stay back I—Copy !req
360. Brian? Brian,
what's happening?Copy !req
361. It's eating my head!
It's eating my head!Copy !req
362. Oh my!Copy !req
363. I got it! I got it!Copy !req
364. According to PayPal, the Russian guys
are just hired mercenariesCopy !req
365. who had ads up on Craig's List
and got paid through eBayCopy !req
366. so that person could be attacked
by the British.Copy !req
367. - The British?
- Loyalist Red Coats!Copy !req
368. Sir, I found the Russian's
eHarmony account!Copy !req
369. It does list an address
in South Park!Copy !req
370. All right!
MapQuest the address!Copy !req
371. I'll use Google Maps.
It has live traffic.Copy !req
372. Good thinking.Copy !req
373. Sir, we have the terrorists' location.
IM'ing you now.Copy !req
374. It was good knowing
you, comrade.Copy !req
375. Please. Think about
what you are doing.Copy !req
376. The British are just using you,
you're going to die.Copy !req
377. Yes, but
we will be rich.Copy !req
378. Left flank, prig prang
and clear! Go!Copy !req
379. The game is over!
Get down on the ground!Copy !req
380. How did they find us?Copy !req
381. We know about everything! Your diversion
to help the Red Coats is over!Copy !req
382. It doesn't matter.
The detonator is on a timer.Copy !req
383. You are too late!
In three minutes.Copy !req
384. What the hell?Copy !req
385. - The power went out!
- Well, so then what time is it?Copy !req
386. - Oh crap.
- Take 'em down!Copy !req
387. No! I don't want to die
without being paid!Copy !req
388. The detonator is secured, General.
You are cleared to proceed.Copy !req
389. The Rebel Americans
know of our attack?Copy !req
390. - How?
- Fire at will!Copy !req
391. Yes?Copy !req
392. Your Majesty,
the attack has failed.Copy !req
393. We were unable
to end the American Revolution.Copy !req
394. I see.Copy !req
395. Well, looks like we saved our country
from British rule once again.Copy !req
396. Yeah. It just proves we need to learn
not to profile one race of people.Copy !req
397. Because, actually,
most of the world hates us.Copy !req
398. Well Bahir, I was thinking that maybe
I owe you an apology.Copy !req
399. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
400. But then I realized that
technically, I don't.Copy !req
401. Because by being suspicious of you,
I saved your life and everyone else's.Copy !req
402. So really, you own me an apology.
But that's cool.Copy !req
403. You didn't save everyone, I did!
You were just out harrassing Muslims!Copy !req
404. But if I hadn't called you
in the first placeCopy !req
405. to check out the Muslim,Copy !req
406. you would have just stayed
in bed sick all day, right?Copy !req
407. - Maybe.
- Maybe?Copy !req
408. checking out the Clinton rally.Copy !req
409. That means my intolerance of Muslims
saved America.Copy !req
410. That is
so missing the point.Copy !req
411. Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb
from going off, yes or no?Copy !req
412. That's not the right way
to look at it, I—Copy !req
413. Yes or no, Kyle?Copy !req
414. No! Not,
not like you're saying.Copy !req
415. But that's all I'm saying:
Today, bigotry and racism saved the day.Copy !req
416. Bahir, you get this, right?Copy !req
417. Bahir! Get away from
that disgusting child!Copy !req
418. Get back home and start
packing your things!Copy !req
419. We are leaving
this whole intolerant country!Copy !req
420. Okay. Who got rid
of the Muslims, huh?Copy !req
421. That was all me.
Simple thank you will suffice.Copy !req