1. I'm going out to South Park
gonna have myself a timeCopy !req
2. Friendly faces everywhere
humble folks without temptationCopy !req
3. I'm goin out to south park
gonna leave my woes behindCopy !req
4. Ample parking day or night
people spouting howdy neighborCopy !req
5. I'm heading out to south park
to see if I cant unwindCopy !req
6. I like girls with big fat titties
really big fat tittiesCopy !req
7. So come on out to south park
and meet some friends of mineCopy !req
8. Episode 11x04
"The Snuke"Copy !req
9. All right, students, let's take our seats.Copy !req
10. Everyone try to be nice because we
have a new student joining us todayCopy !req
11. and I know you'll all make him feel welcome.Copy !req
12. Say hello to Bahir Hassan Abdul Hakeem.Copy !req
13. Welcome to our class, Bahir.
- Thank you.Copy !req
14. Dude, not cool!Copy !req
15. Why don't you take a seat in Kyle's
empty desk for now?Copy !req
16. Okay.Copy !req
17. Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?
- What's wrong?Copy !req
18. Has he been checked for bombs?
- Eric, that's enough!Copy !req
19. Not all muslim people are terrorists!Copy !req
20. No, but most of them are.
And all it takes is most of them.Copy !req
21. Now you go, Bahir.Copy !req
22. Yeah?
- Kyle, are you on your computer?Copy !req
23. What? No, I'm sick.
- Get online.Copy !req
24. I need you to check something for me.
- Dude, leave me alone.Copy !req
25. Kyle, every one of our friends
might be in serious danger!Copy !req
26. What? Why?
- Get online now!Copy !req
27. All right, all right.Copy !req
28. Go to MySpace. See if there's
a MySpace page for a Bahir Hakeem.Copy !req
29. "Bahir Hakeem."Copy !req
30. Born in Chicago, eight years old,
his favorite color is green.Copy !req
31. Cartman, what is this all about?Copy !req
32. Kyle, I want you to check his buddy list.
How many MySpace friends does he have?Copy !req
33. Over a hundred.Copy !req
34. Look further down the page.
Does he list his favorite band?Copy !req
35. White Stripes.Copy !req
36. That's funny.
- What?Copy !req
37. He told everyone in class today
his favorite band was Blink 182.Copy !req
38. The following takes place between
recess and Geography class.Copy !req
39. Hello?Copy !req
40. Officer Barbrady, South Park Elementary
is in serious danger!Copy !req
41. From what? Who is this?Copy !req
42. I've just ID'd a muslim
and his MySpace page does not check out.Copy !req
43. You've got to get these people out of here now!Copy !req
44. Are you serious?Copy !req
45. If I wasn't serious,
would I be talking like this?Copy !req
46. Like what?Copy !req
47. Whispering, but whispering really
loudly for dramatic effect.Copy !req
48. Oh jeez.Copy !req
49. What the hell?Copy !req
50. All students are to evacuate
the school immediately!Copy !req
51. Hey, Bahir, since we get to go home,
you wanna come over, play checkers?Copy !req
52. Sure, okay.
- Allright!Copy !req
53. Dude.Copy !req
54. Yeah.Copy !req
55. Dude, I just got an IM from Stan
that they evacuated the school.Copy !req
56. Yeah. Now do you believe me
that something is going on?Copy !req
57. I guess so.
- Yeah, well I don't like it! It doesn't follow!Copy !req
58. What doesn't follow?
- Why would a terrorist just blow up a school?Copy !req
59. It's not their M.O. Unless...Copy !req
60. Oh my God!
Unless this was all just a big diversion.Copy !req
61. Kyle, I need you to Google-search
the South Park Chamber of Commerce!Copy !req
62. Okay.Copy !req
63. Their website should have a calendar of events,
is there anything big going on in town today?Copy !req
64. Yeah. Actually, there is.
- What?Copy !req
65. There's a Hillary Clinton campaign rally.Copy !req
66. Cartman?Copy !req
67. Sir! There's somebody calling in saying
there's going to be a terrorist attackCopy !req
68. on the Hillary Clinton rally today.Copy !req
69. What? This is CIA head, Alan Thompson.Copy !req
70. Mr. Thompson, you have to call off
the Clinton rally!Copy !req
71. There's a terrorist in South Park!Copy !req
72. What do you know?Copy !req
73. He just showed up out of the blue! I need
to speak with the President right away!Copy !req
74. I'm the head of the CIA! You can tell me!
- I said I will only talk to the President!Copy !req
75. Look, if you have information of a threat,
you could-Copy !req
76. I will have you arrested for-Copy !req
77. I can't hear you! Only the president!Copy !req
78. Call is coming through now, Mr. President.Copy !req
79. Hello?
- President Bush, this is Eric Cartman!Copy !req
80. Are we on a secure line?
- Huh? Who.Copy !req
81. Look, I know you're not the biggest Hildog fan,
but she is in great danger right now!Copy !req
82. Hildog?Copy !req
83. Yes, I understand.
I'll let Ms. Clinton know.Copy !req
84. What is it, Brian?Copy !req
85. Ms. Clinton, we just received word of a
possible terrorist attack on your rally today.Copy !req
86. Is the thread credible?Copy !req
87. We aren't sure, but perhaps
it's best we call it off.Copy !req
88. No. No, I will not be bullied
by terrorist threats.Copy !req
89. Your men do a good job, Brian.Copy !req
90. I have faith that any thread will
be taken care of accordingly.Copy !req
91. We've reached the rally site, Hildog.Copy !req
92. Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton,
I'm sure everything will be fine.Copy !req
93. Thank you, Chris.Copy !req
94. They know about the bomb!
- That is impossible!Copy !req
95. We took every measure to assure
the bomb was hidden from sight.Copy !req
96. Well somebody tipped off the CIA.Copy !req
97. I don't know how much they know,
but security has been heightened.Copy !req
98. That bomb must travel with
the Clinton rally to Boston!Copy !req
99. The bomb won't make it to Boston now!Copy !req
100. With the heightened security, it's only
a matter of time before they find it!Copy !req
101. Then we have no choice.
We have to move up the attack.Copy !req
102. I understand, comrade.
- Prepare yourself.Copy !req
103. We detonate the bomb within the hour.Copy !req
104. Kyle, I'm at the Clinton rally site,
but there's no sign of that kid!Copy !req
105. So then maybe you're wrong.
- Nope, I'm not wrong.Copy !req
106. He must be somehow attacking remotely
from his house. Did you find the address?Copy !req
107. Yeah. I cross-referenced his MySpace
page with realtor.com.Copy !req
108. His parents moved into that
green house on Janice Street.Copy !req
109. Jesus, that's on the other side of town.Copy !req
110. All right, Kyle, I'm going to take a picture
with my camera phone and upload it to you.Copy !req
111. You ready?
- Yeah.Copy !req
112. What is that?
- It's my balls!Copy !req
113. Goddamnit Cartman!Copy !req
114. Okay. Okay, Kyle, let's stay focused here.Copy !req
115. People of South Park, it is my honor to introduce
a woman who deserves nothing but respect.Copy !req
116. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton!Copy !req
117. It is so nice to be back in a small town
like the one I came from.Copy !req
118. Hildog!Copy !req
119. Otis Green, anything on that bomb threat?Copy !req
120. We have the bomb-smiffing pig
going through the crowd.Copy !req
121. If there is a bomb, the pig will find it.Copy !req
122. This is why I campaign in small towns
like these!Copy !req
123. Because it is in towns like South Park
that you find the true America!Copy !req
124. Oh my God, she got a scent!
- What?Copy !req
125. The pig is picking up the smell
of nuclear residue.Copy !req
126. Terrorists have hidden a bomb!Copy !req
127. Oh my God! Where?
Where could they have stashed it?Copy !req
128. Come on, find it. Find!Copy !req
129. My God, they hid it under the stage?Copy !req
130. No wait, look.Copy !req
131. How much money do we have to waste
on needless spendingCopy !req
132. when we should be focusing
all our attention on...Copy !req
133. on the education of all-Copy !req
134. There, girl.Copy !req
135. On the education of all children.Copy !req
136. Oh, I declare!Copy !req
137. Oh my God. Do you think they could have
hidden a nuclear device up Mrs. Clinton's...Copy !req
138. Mr. Thompson, the kid who called
in the warning was right!Copy !req
139. We uncovered intel that terrorists
have obtained a nuclear deviceCopy !req
140. and that they have most likely
hidden it in Mrs. Clinton's...Copy !req
141. Well, in her...
- In her what?Copy !req
142. In her snatch, sir.
- What?Copy !req
143. What is going on? I wasn't finished.Copy !req
144. Security measure, Mrs. Clinton.
Probably nothing.Copy !req
145. Yes?Copy !req
146. Mr. Jeffries, this is Alan Thompson
with the CIA.Copy !req
147. We have reason to believe that Mrs. Clinton
may have a nuclear device up her snatch.Copy !req
148. A what?
- A snatch.Copy !req
149. It's the technical term for vagina.
- No, I mean what kind of nuclear device?Copy !req
150. Mr. Jeffries, this is Frank Waters.Copy !req
151. It's a suitcase nuke, designed to fit in
a woman's snizz. It's called a snuke.Copy !req
152. What is going on, Brian?Copy !req
153. Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists
have snuck a snuke up your snizz.Copy !req
154. Oh my.Copy !req
155. What can we do? Can we disable the timer?
- It won't have a timer.Copy !req
156. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever
our terrorist is has a detonator with him.Copy !req
157. But then that means...Copy !req
158. Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone
in the town of South Park is going to die.Copy !req
159. Forever.Copy !req
160. Do we have that phone trace?
- The call is going through now, sir.Copy !req
161. Yeah?
- This is CIA head Alan Thompson.Copy !req
162. We spoke before about the-
- Yes, Mr. Thompson?Copy !req
163. Well, we've just arrived in your town.
- Why? Did you find something?Copy !req
164. Yes. There's a suitcase nuke
in Ms. Clinton's snizz.Copy !req
165. A snuke?
- That's right.Copy !req
166. It's controlled by a remote detonator.Copy !req
167. We have to locate the terrorist
before he sets it off.Copy !req
168. I have the address of the house
the terrorist moved into.Copy !req
169. I'm almost there now, where are you?Copy !req
170. We're on the town's main street,
right by an ice cream shop.Copy !req
171. Oh dude, I'm, I'm right next to you.Copy !req
172. Oh, hey.Copy !req
173. Dude, we totally got let out of school.
- I know. Something big is going on.Copy !req
174. Take a look at this. I did a Google search
for "Hillary Clinton Campaign Rally" right?Copy !req
175. And one of the links was to YouTube, where
this Russian guy had a bunch of videos.Copy !req
176. Russian?
- Yeah, this guy, Vladimir Stolfsky.Copy !req
177. He had videos on YouTube of every single rally.
- So he's a Hillary Clinton fan.Copy !req
178. No. I cross-referenced his
YouTube profile with MySpaceCopy !req
179. and according to his blog,
he's an old-school Communist.Copy !req
180. So what's he doing at every Clinton rally?Copy !req
181. Do a WebCrawler search, maybe he
has podcasts up somewhere.Copy !req
182. Oh that's a good idea.Copy !req
183. What is going on? What have we done?Copy !req
184. They claim they don't know anything
about an attack.Copy !req
185. Big surprise!Copy !req
186. Sir, first pass of the house, we didn't
find a snuke detonator anywhere.Copy !req
187. We thought he was at school.Copy !req
188. We thought he was at school.
He's not at school?Copy !req
189. You're doing great, Ms. Clinton.
- Do they know how long, Brian?Copy !req
190. How long before the snuke in
my snizz goes off?Copy !req
191. They'll find the detonator, Hildog.Copy !req
192. We can't wait for them to find the detonator.Copy !req
193. If we can get to the bomb,
maybe we can deactivate it.Copy !req
194. Can't somebody go and take a loo
inside Mrs. Clinton's snizz?Copy !req
195. I'm not sending any of my men in there.Copy !req
196. Are you almost ready to set off the bomb?Copy !req
197. Everything is set. We have
the detonator up and running.Copy !req
198. Mr. Hakeem, we need to know where your son is!
- I tell you, I do not know.Copy !req
199. This is getting us nowhere.
If he knows anything, he's not saying.Copy !req
200. Let me have time with him.
- What are you going to do?Copy !req
201. We have to find that detonator!
Let me have time with him!Copy !req
202. You will tell me where your son is!
- He should be at school!Copy !req
203. Hey!Copy !req
204. Where is the detonator?
- What detonator are you ta-Copy !req
205. I can do this all day.
- I don't know anything about a-Copy !req
206. Stop it! Really!
- You can make it stop!Copy !req
207. I don't have the-Copy !req
208. Are we just gonna let this go on?Copy !req
209. Okay, I got a text of the Russian guy's
podcast. It's all a bunch of links to eBay.Copy !req
210. You should be able to search his username on
eBay and see what he's been buying and selling.Copy !req
211. Ferris, set up over there.
Two of you can take that bed area.Copy !req
212. Hey!
- Donner, take over that station.Copy !req
213. What's going on?Copy !req
214. This apartment is being absorbed
by Homeland Security!Copy !req
215. Homeland Security?Copy !req
216. Look, your little game of going
over people's heads is over!Copy !req
217. You could still work, but from now on
you answer to me, you got that?Copy !req
218. Excuse me, who's in charge here?
- I am!Copy !req
219. Yeah well not anymore you're not. This
apartment has just been assigned to the FBI.Copy !req
220. That's outrageous! On whose orders?
- On order of the Secretary of Defense!Copy !req
221. You had your shot, now I'm in charge!Copy !req
222. Not anymore you're not!
Orders just came down from Central!Copy !req
223. They want ATF handling this on all fronts!Copy !req
224. All right people, from now on
you're answering to me!Copy !req
225. Not anymore they're not!
Orders from the President.Copy !req
226. He wants this handled by his staff personally!
Now Nelson is in charge.Copy !req
227. Not anymore I'm not!Copy !req
228. What are you going to do to my wife?
- Nothing if you tell me where your son is!Copy !req
229. We told you, we don't know.Copy !req
230. Do you know what this is?Copy !req
231. This is apple juice.
It gives super bad farts.Copy !req
232. Did he just inject himself with apple juice?Copy !req
233. Where is your son?
- She doesn't know either.Copy !req
234. I mean it! Stop! That is disgusting!
Where is your mother?Copy !req
235. Answer it!Copy !req
236. Hallo? Hallo Bahir.
Where are you?Copy !req
237. Who it Butters?
- Butters.Copy !req
238. Bahir, one of your classmates
is keeping us hostage.Copy !req
239. You filthy little rapscallion!Copy !req
240. We got him! I know where he is!
- All right, where? We'll send our people in.Copy !req
241. No no, he's my lead.
- You're not going alone.Copy !req
242. You blow in there and you risk taking
him down without finding the detonator!Copy !req
243. I'm going to find out where it is!Copy !req
244. All right, people, I'm in charge now
and we will find the terrorists.Copy !req
245. Jarvis, I want you to check for
any terrorist chatter on AOL.Copy !req
246. Marley and Greggs, try searching
for nuclear devices on askjeeves.com.Copy !req
247. Ask Jeeves? Nobody uses Ask Jeeves!
Just Google-search it!Copy !req
248. Are you telling me how to do my job?
- Yes.Copy !req
249. There's a Russian guy named Vladimir StolfskyCopy !req
250. who's got search engine hits all
over this thing.Copy !req
251. Chase, search the name Stolfsky on YouTube
and cross-reference it with JDate!Copy !req
252. Checking.Copy !req
253. Look, these Russian guys all have blogs
talking about thisCopy !req
254. like it's just some big diversion
for something much bigger!Copy !req
255. Sir, these kids are right. We've just
received intel that Russian terroristsCopy !req
256. are believed to be responsible
for the threat.Copy !req
257. Where's the intel from?
- We just read it on Drudge Report.Copy !req
258. Look, we already have the guy's blog.Copy !req
259. Maybe we can find an address
and check it out on MapQuest.Copy !req
260. We do this my way!
I'm the one in charge!Copy !req
261. Not anymore you're not.
- Oh, snap.Copy !req
262. I captured another one of your pieces, Bahir.Copy !req
263. Oh hey Eric.Copy !req
264. Where is the detonator!
- The what?Copy !req
265. You have exactly five seconds before I start
dropping serious apple juice farts on your face!Copy !req
266. One!
- Leave me alone!Copy !req
267. Stop!Copy !req
268. Hey, I was about to win!Copy !req
269. Stop, terrorist, or I will shoot you!Copy !req
270. Get in the van!Copy !req
271. Uh, that's cool.
I'm actually not playing anymore.Copy !req
272. Get in the van!Copy !req
273. That's it! We don't have a choice anymore!Copy !req
274. Somebody is going to have to go in
and try to disarm the snuke manually!Copy !req
275. No, it's too dangerous! That snatch
has not seen action in over 30 years!Copy !req
276. It could be toxic!Copy !req
277. I'll do it!
I'll check out Ms. Clinton's snizz.Copy !req
278. Let me go! Please! I am just a little boy!Copy !req
279. You called and warned the government
of our plans!Copy !req
280. What you don't know is that we
are merely mercenaries!Copy !req
281. We were paid to set up the snuke so that
the real enemy of America could attack!Copy !req
282. That's cool. I'm fine with muslims invading.Copy !req
283. You really think Muslims are behind
this terrorist threat?Copy !req
284. Uh yes, of course?Copy !req
285. America had other enemies before the Muslims,
you know. Who is America's oldest enemy?Copy !req
286. The Russians?
- Before that.Copy !req
287. The Germans?
- Before that.Copy !req
288. The Germans again?
- Before that!Copy !req
289. I am talking about the oldest threat to America!
The greatest enemy America has ever known!Copy !req
290. You can't possible mean...Copy !req
291. Two hundred years we've waited. Finally.
We will get those traitors to the Crown!Copy !req
292. Yes, Your Majesty?Copy !req
293. The Russians are ready to set off
the diversion.Copy !req
294. Full sail.Copy !req
295. Full sail, your Majesty.Copy !req
296. All right, Brian, this is it.Copy !req
297. Get in there and see if you can disarm
the snuke in Ms. Clinton's snatch.Copy !req
298. All right. I'm nearing her snizz now.Copy !req
299. God help him.Copy !req
300. What do you see, Brian?
- It's dark. Cold.Copy !req
301. You're doing fine, Brian. Get as close as
you can. You have to look inside the snizz.Copy !req
302. Allright, I'm, looking.Copy !req
303. Yes, I see...
I see the device!Copy !req
304. You're doing great, Brian. Hang in there.Copy !req
305. There's um, metal housing some kind of
three-pronged triggering mechanism that...Copy !req
306. Wait there's something else here!Copy !req
307. There's something...Copy !req
308. Say again, Brian.Copy !req
309. There's something perched on the snuke's coil.Copy !req
310. Oh God, it's looking at me!Copy !req
311. Brian, get out of there!
- What are you?Copy !req
312. I have no qualm with you!
Stay back! Stay back I-Copy !req
313. Brian? Brian, what's happening?
- It's eating my head! It's eating my head!Copy !req
314. Oh my!Copy !req
315. I got it! I got it!Copy !req
316. According to PayPal, the Russian guys
are just hired mercenariesCopy !req
317. who had ads up on Craig's List
and got paid through eBay.Copy !req
318. So that person could be attacked
by the British.Copy !req
319. The British?
- Loyalist Red Coats!Copy !req
320. Sir, I found the Russian's eHarmony account!
It does list an address in South Park!Copy !req
321. All right! MapQuest the address!
- I'll use Google Maps. It has live traffic.Copy !req
322. Good thinking.Copy !req
323. Sir, we have the terrorists' location.
IM'ing you now.Copy !req
324. It was good knowing you, comrade.
- Please. Think about what you are doing.Copy !req
325. The British are just using you,
you're going to die.Copy !req
326. Yes, but we will be rich.Copy !req
327. Left flank, prig prang and clear! Go!Copy !req
328. The game is over! Get down on the ground!
- How did they find us?Copy !req
329. We know about everything! Your diversion
to help the Red Coats is over!Copy !req
330. It doesn't matter.
The detonator is on a timer.Copy !req
331. You are too late!
In three minutes!Copy !req
332. What the hell?Copy !req
333. The power went out!
- Well so then what time is it?Copy !req
334. Oh crap.
- Take 'em down!Copy !req
335. No! I don't want to die without being paid!Copy !req
336. The detonator is secured, general.
You are cleared to proceed.Copy !req
337. The Rebel Americans know of our attack?Copy !req
338. How?
- Fire at will!Copy !req
339. Yes?Copy !req
340. Your Majesty, the attack has failed.Copy !req
341. We were unable to end the American Revolution.Copy !req
342. I see.Copy !req
343. Well, looks like we saved our country
from British rule once again.Copy !req
344. Yeah. It just proves we need to learn
not to profile one race of people.Copy !req
345. Because, actually,
most of the world hates us.Copy !req
346. Well Bahir, I was thinking that maybe
I owe you an apology.Copy !req
347. Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
348. But then I realized that technically,
I don't.Copy !req
349. Because by being suspicious of you
I saved your life and everyone else's.Copy !req
350. So really, you own me an apology.
But that's cool.Copy !req
351. You didn't save everyone, I did!
You were just out harrassing muslims!Copy !req
352. But if I hadn't called you in the first place
to check out the muslimCopy !req
353. you would have just stayed
in bed sick all day, right?Copy !req
354. Maybe.
- Maybe?Copy !req
355. If I hadn't called you, you wouldn't have been
on your computer checking out the Clinton rally.Copy !req
356. That means my intolerance of muslims
saved America.Copy !req
357. That is so missing the point.Copy !req
358. Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb
from going off, yes or no?Copy !req
359. That's not the right way to look at it, I-
- Yes or no, Kyle?Copy !req
360. No! Not, not like you're saying.Copy !req
361. But that's all I'm saying:
today, bigotry and racism saved the day.Copy !req
362. Bahir, you get this, right?Copy !req
363. Bahir! Get away from that disgusting child!
Get back home and start packing your things!Copy !req
364. We are leaving this whole intolerant country!Copy !req
365. Okay. Who got rid of the Muslims, huh?Copy !req
366. That was all me.
Simple thank you will suffice.Copy !req