South Park 11x3

Adrien Beard as Token Black (voice) • Eric Stough as Kenny McCormick (voice)

When a breakout of headlice hits South Park Elementary, Mrs. Garrison refuses to say which child brought the plague to the school. So, Cartman takes it upon himself to find out who it is so the kids can make fun of them. Meanwhile, a louse Travis, is desperate to save his fellow lice from imminent destruction from a conscious world.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. All right, students, let's take our seats.

2. Apparently, we have a little problem

3. here at the school which we need to talk about.

4. Ah, yes.

5. You mean the Jew problem.

6. Good, good.

7. I'm glad we're finally gonna do something about it.

8. No, I mean the problem of head lice.

9. There's been a lice breakout at a school in Denver

10. and we need to make sure nobody spreads it here.

11. Somebody might have lice?

12. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

13. So today you're all going to the gymnasium

14. to have your scalps examined.

15. That is completely unnecessary.

16. Everyone knows that only poor people can get lice.

17. The only person that can spread it here is Kenny.

18. What? Fuck you!

19. I'm sure this class is clean,

20. but we're gonna be examined

21. so that if anyone has the lice,

22. we can stop it before it spreads.

23. Lice can live in anybody's hair...

24. Hello, Kelly.

25. How's my baby?

26. You mean me or the little one?

27. I mean both.

28. Well, besides a little loneliness

29. waiting for Daddy to come home,

30. I guess we're both okay.

31. How did a louse like me

32. get so lucky to have a louse like you?

33. Luck had nothing to do with it, Travis.

34. Cut, cut! Watch your back!

35. You okay?

36. Sometimes...

37. I just worry what kind of world

38. our baby is gonna grow up in.

39. I need to run out to the forest

40. and do another sediment analysis.

41. I'm worried we might be overworking

42. the tertiary layer.

43. All students make sure you're in line according to your grade.

44. When you reach the front of the line,

45. you will go behind the curtain

46. and remove any hats to be checked.

47. Boy, I sure hope

48. they don't find lice in my hair.

49. What do you think happens if you do have it?

50. They drag you out of here,

51. put you in this big containment facility,

52. where they stick a cold metal pipe up your ass

53. with this clear jelly,

54. and then they shock your balls.

55. I'm clean!

56. I knew I didn't have any stupid lice.

57. This is ridiculous.

58. All this just so they can send Kenny

59. and his stupid head lice home.

60. Dude, Fuck off!

61. Have a seat on the stool.

62. Uh-oh, looks like you've got 'em.

63. What?

64. You have lice.

65. Let's see... Clyde Harris, is it?

66. Oh, my God!

67. Oh, Christ, no!

68. Now, now, it's all right.

69. We're going to call your parents

70. and get you to your doctor.

71. Please, you don't understand.

72. The other kids are gonna make fun of me forever!

73. I'm sure your friends aren't that cruel.

74. Yes, they are!

75. Mr. President!

76. Mr. President, I believe we have a serious problem!

77. The environment is changing.

78. I believe it is somehow reacting

79. to our presence on it.

80. And what do you base this on?

81. Look, this is the world, right?

82. But now think of the world as a living being.

83. If it were somehow conscious,

84. then it would ultimately become aware of our affect on it.

85. Right, the world is conscious.

86. It makes perfect sense.

87. Hello?

88. Anybody?

89. If we have made too much of an impact,

90. then that consciousness would try to snuff us out.

91. I think we're looking at a global catastrophe

92. the likes of which we've never seen.

93. Poo diggery and poppycock.

94. I think we need to put all resources

95. now into a full investigation,

96. perhaps even begin a lice-wide evacuation.

97. Evacuation?

98. Tomorrow is the Gootak Festival!

99. Do you know how much money we would lose?

100. Escort Mr. Mayfield out.

101. The president can't be bothered any further.

102. Damn you, Vice President Greg!

103. You could be killing us all!

104. This is so embarrassing.

105. I have an ear infection.

106. What are you seeing the doctor for?

107. I have...

108. I have Aids.

109. Clyde Harris?

110. Yeah, that's a pretty bad lice problem there.

111. Good thing they pulled you out of school.

112. But why me, doctor?

113. Why me?

114. How did I get this?

115. Well, believe it or not,

116. some lice can actually attach themselves to flies

117. and then wait for the fly to land on someone's head

118. where they can reproduce.

119. And then the lice that live in your head now

120. were probably all born there.

121. Sick!

122. This shampoo should take care of it.

123. Use this in the shower.

124. Your scalp may burn a bit afterwards

125. but it should kill... Every last one of them.

126. Travis, everything okay?

127. Kelly, I was just thinking about our baby.

128. I want to name her... Hope.

129. Hope?

130. Hope for a... Chance at tomorrow.

131. It's raining now?

132. Woo-hoo... I love the rain!

133. Oh, my God.

134. We have to get out of here!

135. What? It's just rain.

136. We have to get out of here now, Kelly!

137. What is that?

138. Agh... Agh!

139. Ah! Ah! Ah!

140. Run! Run! Run!

141. Ah, ah, agh!

142. Everyone get up into the trees!

143. We have to get up high!

144. Come on, Kelly!

145. Ahh!

146. My God, Travis, they're all dying!

147. Don't look, Kelly, don't look.

148. What the hell is it?

149. It's okay... we're safe up here.

150. I don't think so.

151. Ahh!

152. Ahh!

153. Ahh... Ahh!

154. Travis! Kelly, hang on!

155. I can't hang on!

156. You have to!

157. For the baby!

158. Ahh!

159. Kelly!

160. No!

161. No!

162. Okay, kids, today we're going to review

163. some civil war history.

164. Who can tell me what year the war started?

165. Wait, wait... whoa, whoa.

166. So what happened?

167. With what?

168. With the lice exam.

169. Did they find anybody with lice?

170. Yes, some lice was discovered

171. and the proper action has been taken.

172. Somebody in this class?

173. Uh, yes.

174. Oh! Oh! Oh!

175. Well, who was it? It was Kenny, right?

176. That doesn't matter... it's over.

177. Doesn't matter?

178. If somebody had parasites in their hair,

179. we need to know who!

180. It was Kenny, wasn't it?

181. I wanna know who it was too.

182. It's being kept confidential.

183. There's a policy in the schools not to

184. single out a kid who has lice

185. because of the embarrassment it can cause, okay?

186. That is bullcrap!

187. You are denying our rights as children

188. to totally rip on that kid

189. and make him or her feel like an outcast.

190. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

191. And we have a right to know which boy had lice in his hair

192. so we don't ever go out with them.

193. How do we know it was a boy?

194. It could just have easily been one of you stupid girls.

195. Yeah, dumb girls!

196. The case is closed.

197. Whoever had the lice, they're dead now.

198. We're moving on to civil war history.

199. Ulysses S. Grant...

200. Hope... Hope, you're alive.

201. My God.

202. Yargh!

203. Help me!

204. Help me!

205. Travis... Over here!

206. Travis, if you hadn't warned us to get up in them trees,

207. we'd all be dead.

208. How many survivors?

209. Just the six of us.

210. And the vice president.

211. You son of a bitch!

212. You had a chance to stop this!

213. So help me, if we live through this,

214. I'm gonna see you rot in prison.

215. What do we do now?

216. We aren't out of this yet.

217. You two, look for other survivors.

218. You get whatever food you can and bring it back here.

219. Who put you in charge?

220. God did... When he killed my wife.

221. All right, the person who had head lice

222. needs to speak up right now

223. so that we know to stay away from you.

224. Yeah, come on!

225. We're gonna find out sooner or later!

226. Okay, whoever you are,

227. you are now not only a lice head, you're a liar!

228. You're only making this worse on yourself!

229. You know what? I'll bet it was you.

230. Me?

231. This is exactly what you would do

232. if they found lice in your hair:

233. try to lead the charge against somebody else

234. to take the suspicion off of yourself.

235. I don't think so, Kyle.

236. But you know what?

237. This is exactly what you would do

238. if you had had head lice:

239. try to get everyone to blame me.

240. You guys, stop it, this isn't getting us anywhere.

241. That's exactly what you would do

242. if you had had head lice, Stan.

243. Yeah, try to have everyone make peace

244. so it doesn't seem like a big deal.

245. And this is exactly what Kenny would do:

246. stand here and say nothing.

247. Hey, guys, what would I do?

248. Let's just get a magnifying glass

249. and look at everyone's heads.

250. It's too late.

251. The treatment would have killed it all.

252. I guess we're never gonna know.

253. There's no way to tell.

254. There's a way.

255. There's a way to find out who had sick-ass head cooties,

256. and I'm gonna find it.

257. It was him.

258. It had to have been him.

259. Yeah.

260. Or you.

261. Mark?

262. Mark, you have to hang on.

263. This isn't going to stop.

264. The world is rejecting us.

265. If we're gonna live, we have to get off this planet.

266. How?

267. First we've have to get out of the forest,

268. into the forbidden zone.

269. It's the only way we might even see another planet.

270. The forbidden zone?

271. We'll be exposed... we'll die out there.

272. We'll die here!

273. Look, the world is getting rid of us.

274. Don't you get it?

275. "getting rid of us"?

276. You mean like it knows what it's doing?

277. Yes!

278. Because maybe we rolled the dice too many times!

279. I'm not leaving my husband.

280. Yeah, I'll take my chances here.

281. You can all stay here.

282. I'm gonna try to save my baby.

283. I'll go with you.

284. There's nothing left for me here.

285. I wanna go too.

286. Not a chance.

287. Look, I know I messed up, all right?

288. But I think you're right.

289. If we can get out of the forest,

290. we might find another place to live.

291. If we find anything,

292. we'll try to send help for the rest of you.

293. Let's go.

294. Come on if you're coming, Mr. Vice President.

295. Yeah, right behind you.

296. All right, lock that door, Craig.

297. What's this about, Cartman?

298. I've come up with a test that can determine

299. if it was any of us who had the head lice.

300. We're gonna find out, once and for all,

301. who had head cooties.

302. Lice feed on a person's blood,

303. and just like mosquitoes, they leave behind small traces

304. of their saliva in the host's bloodstream.

305. That saliva is molocromagnic.

306. So if an infected person's blood is touched by

307. this hot metal coil, say,

308. that person's blood will jump ten meters into the air.

309. R-r-r-really?

310. That's retarded!

311. You didn't come up with that experiment Cartman!

312. You saw it in that movie The Thing!

313. This is a scientific test designed to...

314. You saw it in The Thing

315. and you're wasting everyone's time!

316. I thought you might say that, Kyle.

317. Because you don't want to take the test, do you?

318. Nobody's blood is going to jump up in the air!

319. If it isn't going to work, then what are you afraid of?

320. The only person who wouldn't want to take the test

321. is somebody who was worried it might work

322. and reveal that they were the ones with lice!

323. Yeah, that's true.

324. I have no problem taking the test.

325. I have nothing to h-h-h-hide.

326. Yeah, me neither.

327. All right, fine, I'll do the dumb test!

328. Everyone take a petri dish and a syringe.

329. We need at least 30 C.C.S of blood from each one of you.

330. All right, now everyone back over there.

331. We'll start with what I already know.

332. Oh, guess that proves Eric

333. wasn't the one with head lice.

334. It doesn't prove anything!

335. Yeah?

336. Let's just see what your blood does, Kyle.

337. Huh, I guess you're clean.

338. You guys, we better go.

339. Recess is almost over.

340. It's all right, won't take much longer to...

341. Agh, agh!

342. What the hell?

343. Kenny!

344. No way.

345. You were right all along, Eric.

346. It was Kenny!

347. Of course I was right.

348. I told you only poor people get lice!

349. We've done it!

350. We've reached the forbidden zone!

351. I've always heard stories about this place.

352. Never thought it was real.

353. It's real.

354. Real as my love for my unborn baby.

355. So what exactly is your plan, Travis?

356. Our ancestors came here from another world.

357. Maybe there's still other worlds out there

358. with life forms like us.

359. Maybe there's even a world where they've learned

360. to live with the planet instead of just on it.

361. Travis...

362. Travis, you're so wise, so strong.

363. If we make it out of this,

364. I'd like to be with you.

365. Sorry, babe.

366. But my heart is forever stenciled in permanent ink

367. with the name "Kelly."

368. She was a lucky woman to have you.

369. Luck had nothing to do with it.

370. Sorry to cut the honeymoon short.

371. Why you murdering bastard!

372. Your little fantasy of another world ends here.

373. Walk.

374. What the hell do you want, vice president...

375. Walk!

376. Clyde, dude, get down to the park.

377. We caught Kenny

378. and we're all gonna let him have it.

379. What?

380. What are you gonna do to him?

381. He lied to us all.

382. He betrayed his kind.

383. We all know what has to happen.

384. Grab a sock and a bar of soap and meet us at the park.

385. You guys, wait.

386. What, Clyde?

387. I... Nothing.

388. All right, see you there!

389. Remember, a bar of soap and a sock!

390. Kenny's gonna get it!

391. Yeah! Yeah!

392. Yeah, we're gonna f-f-fuck him up.

393. Yello.

394. M. Garrison, one of your students is about

395. to be attacked at the park by all the other students.

396. What?

397. Who's going to get attacked? Who is this?

398. Please just hurry to the park!

399. You have to stop them!

400. That's good, that's far enough.

401. What are you going to do?

402. I'm gonna go back to the village.

403. Start to rebuild.

404. Mate with the females.

405. Become... President.

406. Don't you get it?

407. The world doesn't want you here.

408. It's not gonna stop until you're dead!

409. It was a disaster.

410. Disasters happen.

411. Then go ahead and die there.

412. I'm leaving with my baby.

413. Actually, you're never leaving here either, Travis.

414. Agh!

415. Damn you!

416. Why?

417. Because when I'm president, I can't have pests like you

418. constantly trying to preach that the world is alive.

419. You're an idealistic fool.

420. The world is not conscious.

421. We are conscious!

422. If the world was alive it would feel this.

423. Ow.

424. You die here...

425. Ahh!

426. Ahh!

427. Aahhhh!

428. Argh.

429. Kenny McCormick, you are charged with

430. bringing head cooties into our school

431. and lying about it to cover your ass.

432. How do you plead?

433. not guilty!

434. Guilty... I thought so!

435. All right, let's do this!

436. You guys, maybe we should just wait a few more minutes.

437. All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen.

438. Sock bath!

439. Everyone wash Kenny with the soap

440. and dry him off with the socks!

441. No, no, no, not the socks!

442. Wait, wait!

443. Wait, stop it, stop it!

444. I can't let Kenny be sock-dried.

445. He had cooties and he lied about it!

446. Kenny, didn't have the head lice, all right?

447. It was me.

448. What?

449. I was the one.

450. I was too afraid to say anything.

451. But I can't let Kenny be sock-bathed for it.

452. Why are you saying that, Kyle?

453. You can't be the one who had head lice.

454. Because I was.

455. You're just trying to make me feel bad

456. because you figured that out, didn't you?

457. Wait a minute... what?

458. Oh, I get it.

459. This is some kind of big trick on me.

460. You've known I was the one with head lice all along, huh?

461. You had head lice?

462. Of course!

463. Why do you think I went through that

464. elaborate bullcrap experiment to frame Kenny?

465. You all had head lice.

466. Every single person in the class.

467. The boys and the girls.

468. Lice spreads fast, you dumb-asses.

469. I thought I was the only one.

470. Me too.

471. But that means... That means Kenny was lying!

472. Sock bath!

473. Sock bath!

474. Kelly... Kelly can you hear me?

475. I don't know if you can.

476. But... I want you to know I tried.

477. I tried to save our baby.

478. But I let you down, babe.

479. K... Kelly?

480. You are welcome here.

481. You're safe now.

482. We've lived here for generation after generation,

483. never being disturbed.

484. Ha... we made it, Hope.

485. We made it, Kelly!

486. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Angelina Jolie!

487. Hello, everyone!

488. Hello!