1. I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,
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2. Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,
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3. I'm going down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,
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4. Ample parking day or night,
people shouting howdy neighbor,
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5. I'm heading on down to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,
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6. I like girls with big vagina,
I like girls with big fat titties,
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7. So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,
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8. Fellas! Fellas!
It's—Oh my god!
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9. You're not gonna believe this!
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10. Dude, Butters,
calm down.
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11. Okay. Okay.
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12. I was talking to Pete Wetchney
and he said that Danny Chadwick
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13. said that his sister told him that
the girls in our class have a list
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14. that rates every boy's looks
from cutest to ugliest.
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15. - So who do they say is the cutest?
- I don't know.
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16. - Who do they say is the ugliest?
- I don't know. It's like a girl thing.
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17. They won't let anybody
see the list but them.
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18. They can't do that. Who are they
to judge us on how we look?
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19. Yeah. You think they rate us
just for looks
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20. or they take personality
into account?
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21. If it's just looks
then I think I'm safe.
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22. You guys, who cares
if the girls make some stupid list?
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23. Girls make dumb lists
all the time.
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24. Yeah, Kyle's right. Screw it, we have
better things to worry about.
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25. You're just saying that because you know
you're gonna be very last on the list!
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26. Oh please, I don't think so, Craig!
Chicks think I'm way hotter than you!
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27. You don't think they put the fat tub
of lard at the bottom?
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28. No, because chicks know
I'm not fat! I'm buff.
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29. They probably put you
at the bottom of the list
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30. because you have
fucked up teeth!
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31. Or Kenny
'cause he's poor.
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32. They didn't put me
at the bottom, did they?
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33. Kenny, face it:
Girls don't wanna eat Pop Tarts
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34. for dinner every night
when they get married.
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35. You don't think they said
I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do ya?
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36. Well if they did,
my parents will ground me.
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37. You guys, do you really care
what a bunch of girls
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38. have to say about
how you rank in looks?
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39. - All right, Bebe, let's see the list.
- What?
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40. You know
what I'm talking about, bitch!
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41. The list where you rate the looks
of each boy in the class!
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42. That's not for boys
to look at!
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43. It's a secret girl list
and you can't see it.
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44. Craig is
on the bottom, right?
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45. Or is it Kenny because you'd be eating
Pop Tarts for dinner if you married him?
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46. I'm not telling! And anyway,
I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is.
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47. And Nelly will never
let you look at it, so there!
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48. Fuck you, Bebe!
Fuck you, bitch!
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49. Well, I guess we're never gonna
get that list from the girls.
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50. Screw that, dude! We're guys.
We can outthink them.
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51. All right,
here's what we know.
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52. That chick Nelly is the one who's
in charge of holding the list, right?
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53. She apparently keeps it
in a purple Pee Chee folder
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54. and we need
a plan to get it from her.
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55. This is what I call:
"Cannot Possibly Fail"
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56. Neato!
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57. At 1 PM tomorrow, Nelly will have
to walk from Home Ec to Social Studies.
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58. That's our best time
to strike.
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59. As she makes her way
through Hallway 3,
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60. Craig will be ready with
a distraction device here.
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61. When she stops and turns to Craig
in the hallway,
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62. Butters will run up
and kick her in the balls.
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63. Okay!
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64. Once Butters kicks her
in the balls,
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65. she'll fall to the floor,
dropping the Pee Chee,
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66. and Kenny will swoop in
from Corridor 3-Delta
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67. and grab the Pee Chee.
Are we good?
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68. What you do that for?
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69. Hey, what's your problem,
asshole?
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70. Bail, bail!
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71. Okay, our mission failed,
but we've learned a lot.
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72. Primarily that
girls do not have balls.
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73. They sure don't.
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74. Nevermind because
we are going to Plan B.
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75. One that I call "Operation:
Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time."
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76. When Nelly leaves
the cafeteria for recess,
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77. Kenny will jump in front of her
and spit on the ground.
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78. You think maybe girls keep their balls
on the inside of their tummies?
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79. Butters, we're done talking about
girls balls right now! Pay attention!
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80. - We got it! We got it!
- We got the list from the girls!
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81. Give that back,
you dirty buttholes!
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82. Tape it to the wall, Kenny!
Jason, watch the door!
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83. It's listed in order
from cutest to ugliest.
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84. Clyde's number one.
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85. Me?
I'm the cutest?
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86. - And then Token and then me.
- I'm number two? Wow!
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87. Come on, let me see!
Let me see!
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88. Oh boy! I'm number 11!
Whoopie! Number 11!
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89. Ah! Look at that!
I'm hotter than you, fatso!
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90. What?
That's bullcrap!
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91. Oh, so big deal, guys!
Do you feel better now?
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92. Clyde's the best-looking kid
in the class.
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93. And then Token and Stan.
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94. And last is Francis,
Cartman, and...
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95. Me?
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96. You're last, dude!
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97. - No way.
- Yes way! Check it out!
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98. - Cartman, lay off! You're next to last.
- So? I'm hotter than Kyle.
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99. I'm better looking than Kyle!
Yes! I'm hotter than Kyle!
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100. I'm hotter than Kyle!
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101. I'm last? Last?
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102. Dude, it's just
a stupid list, remember?
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103. I got voted the ugliest boy
in whole class?
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104. Who cares
what dumb girls think, right?
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105. Mom, Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid
in the class! Kyle Broflovski is!
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106. - Well, good for you, Butters.
- Way to go, champ.
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107. Whoopie!
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108. Well, guess
we don't have to ground him.
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109. Kyle, what's the matter?
You barely touched your knishes.
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110. The girls at school. They made a list
and voted me the ugliest boy.
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111. What? That's ridiculous.
My little bubbeleh is adorable!
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112. Look, I know I'm not
the best-looking guy in town,
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113. but I-I didn't think
I was the very ugliest.
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114. You're not ugly, Kyle.
You're my perfect little man.
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115. You look
just like your father.
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116. Oh God! I do?
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117. But he has
his mother's nose.
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118. Kyle, you are very handsome
and perfect in every way.
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119. Ike, Ike, you have to be honest.
Am I ugly, yes or no?
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120. You all think I'm ugly.
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121. Jesus Christ, the least
you could have done is told me!
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122. Kyle, come back here!
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123. I'm better-looking
than you!
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124. The girls think I'm better-looking
than you, Kyle!
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125. Dude, Kyle.
Can you hear me?
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126. They totally think
I'm hotter than you are.
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127. Kyle!
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128. Kyle, I'm more attractive.
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129. Kyle?
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130. Clyde, it's time
to be getting to bed.
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131. Hey, what's going on?
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132. What's going on?
Hey.
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133. Oh yeah, hey, wassup?
What's going on?
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134. Nice.
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135. - Hey, what's going on?
- Hey, Clyde.
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136. - Hey.
- Hi, Clyde.
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137. What's going on?
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138. Hey, ugly!
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139. Hey, Kyle.
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140. Look man, it doesn't matter
what people think, okay?
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141. You know, Abraham Lincoln
was super ugly too,
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142. but look
what he accomplished.
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143. Chin up, cowboy.
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144. - Hey, what's going on?
- Oh, not much, just hanging around—
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145. Hey, nice, nice ears.
Pizza Face!
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146. Butters, that's not cool, man.
He can't help how he looks.
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147. Kyle, I was going to suggest
that maybe you should...
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148. hang out with the other ugly kids
in the school.
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149. Because if you hang out with them,
you won't stand out so much. Right?
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150. Cool.
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151. Hey.
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152. Hello.
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153. Are you going
to eat your pickle?
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154. Could somebody toss the football back?
It's over there next to the ugly kids.
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155. I hate coming to this school.
It makes me angry.
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156. Yeah.
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157. Sometimes, I just want
to burn it down.
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158. Burn the whole school
down to the ground!
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159. No. You know what?
Screw this! We aren't ugly!
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160. - We're not?
- No!
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161. Maybe we all just need a little image
change, you know? Like a makeover.
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162. Hey, yeah.
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163. Like you! Maybe you just need
to let your hair down.
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164. And let's see how you look without
those glasses.
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165. Let's just
put those back on.
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166. I know, that song
is so awesome.
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167. - Wendy. Could I talk to you?
- Of course, Stan.
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168. Just for a minute.
Over here.
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169. You think he's gonna beg her
to come back to him?
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170. This is a nice surprise. I thought
you were never speaking to me again.
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171. Yeah well, I wanna talk to you
about this list you girls made.
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172. Which one?
We make lists all the time.
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173. The one where you rated
the boys' looks in the class.
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174. Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay?
How could you vote him the ugliest?
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175. Look, personally, I didn't vote him
the ugliest.
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176. My vote
was for Eric Cartman.
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177. But enough of the other girls
must have felt he was—
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178. So it was unanimous.
Maybe you can just change the list.
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179. Change the list? Do you have
any idea what that would take?
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180. Maybe you don't understand
how important list-making is to girls!
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181. It's just not something
we do flippantly.
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182. There's protocol!
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183. Can't we just talk to all
the girls who made the list
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184. and find out
why they voted Kyle last?
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185. All right, I'll try and get you
into our next list-making meeting.
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186. But it won't be easy.
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187. Today's list meeting is called to order.
Rebecca, you have the floor.
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188. If it pleases and sparkles, I suggest
we continue deliberations on List 47D:
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189. Which Girl
Has The Cutest Purse?
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190. Rebecca moves we work on List 47D.
Does that sparkle with all the girls?
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191. Sunshine.
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192. Deliberating "Which Girl
Has The Cutest Purse"?
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193. Milly has the floor.
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194. If it pleases and sparkles,
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195. I would like to submit that
Jennifer's purse is by far the cutest.
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196. Definitely cuter
than Teresa's.
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197. I don't think anyone here disagrees that
Jennifer's purse is cuter than Teresa's,
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198. but it doesn't make it
the cutest.
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199. The committee
has already decided
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200. that nothing with stripes can be
in the top five cutest purses.
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201. Sunshine Sparkle
Wendy has the floor.
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202. If it pleases and sparkles,
I would like to suggest that we...
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203. That we reopen
last week's list for debate.
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204. Is she actually crazy?
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205. Is she crazy?
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206. All right, come
before the Rainbow Railing.
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207. Go ahead.
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208. I was just thinking that
maybe you voted a little
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209. hastily
on the cutest boy?
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210. You thought
you should be number one?
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211. No.
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212. Let me assure you that no list
is made hastily by this committee.
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213. He didn't mean that.
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214. He was just saying maybe we should
open it up again for discussion.
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215. I cannot, by Sparkle Law,
move to have an old list investigated.
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216. However, if you can find recourse
for such an inquiry, Wendy,
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217. I would review it.
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218. Does that sparkle
with all the girls?
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219. Sunshine.
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220. They all laugh
at me!
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221. And the girls
giggle behind my back!
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222. Unable to even glance
at my disfigured face.
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223. Do not burn
down the school, Kyle.
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224. - Who said that?
- I did.
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225. - Do you know who I am?
- Abraham Lincoln?
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226. I am Abraham Lincoln.
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227. Burning down the school
will not solve your problems.
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228. You think you've been cheated
because you are ugly,
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229. but I am here to show you otherwise.
Come! There is much to see.
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230. I want you
to look in here.
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231. This woman is
Nancy Pinkerton.
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232. As a child,
she was consistently voted
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233. the most beautiful girl
in her entire school.
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234. Her life as a youth
was filled with praises
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235. and everything
being handed to her.
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236. Boys told her she was special.
She was funny. She was interesting.
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237. But that's only
because she was hot.
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238. It wasn't until she reached age 40,
when her looks started to fade,
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239. that she learned she was actually
about as interesting and special,
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240. as a wet carrot.
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241. This is the home of
your new ugly friend, Yamal.
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242. Because he's ugly,
he gets nothing handed to him.
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243. He has to work at making
something of himself.
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244. But that work is gonna pay off
when he's an adult.
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245. He will have character,
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246. something kids who are hot
rarely develop.
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247. Like your classmate, Clyde.
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248. Now that he knows
he's good-looking,
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249. he doesn't have to make
any effort to be special.
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250. No, Rebecca's just a friend.
I wanna be with you now.
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251. Sure, yeah,
I'll buy you some shoes too.
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252. Now his life
will be about girls.
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253. Chatting with them on the phone
and buying them shoes.
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254. He will most likely
marry very young,
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255. and not realize until age 40
that he's a total douche.
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256. And so you see, Kyle, it is actually
the beautiful kids who are cursed.
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257. But I can't wait
to be an adult to be happy.
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258. That's forever from now.
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259. - You must be patient.
- Just take me home!
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260. I don't wanna be here anymore.
Take me home!
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261. Very well.
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262. Kyle, you need to think about
what I've told you.
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263. I don't want to! I don't want anybody
telling me how to feel anymore!
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264. Well then,
you're just a fucking asshole!
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265. Wait a minute. Wait, Stan,
I think I've got something!
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266. Take a look at this: During final
deliberation of the list for cutest boy,
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267. seven girls gave Clyde a glitter rating
of only one sparkle.
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268. I have no idea
what you're talking about.
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269. It doesn't add up.
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270. It is possible
that Rebecca made a mistake
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271. when she tallied the sunshine votes
onto the final list.
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272. Oh, hey, Wendy.
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273. Hey, Rebecca.
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274. Do you still have the voter cards
for the list that rated the boys' looks?
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275. Wendy, we're done
with that list.
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276. I know, but I think
there's been a mistake.
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277. Six of the girls I've talked to
didn't vote Clyde the cutest.
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278. That means that mathematically,
he should have been—
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279. All right, you need to stop...
digging... around, Wendy!
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280. You might not
like what you find!
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281. Just back off
and stop asking questions!
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282. You're getting close to a secret that
I don't think you can handle. Let it go!
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283. That didn't sparkle
with her, did it?
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284. One canister of propane,
six cans of lighter fluid,
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285. seven gallons of high-octane kerosene
and a box of matches.
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286. Okay, is that everything,
little boy?
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287. That should
just about do it.
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288. Do you like to put this on
your True-Value card today?
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289. Honorary Chair,
Mrs. Secretary,
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290. I believe a member of our committee
has tampered with one of our lists.
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291. I've compiled a full report
and it turns out that
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292. nobody voted Clyde
the cutest in the class.
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293. I believe Rebecca changed the list
to make him number one.
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294. - Why would she do that?
- Right after the list was made,
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295. Rebecca started going out
with Clyde.
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296. You can read
all the discrepancies in here.
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297. We need
to remake that list.
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298. You just couldn't
let it go.
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299. - What do you mean? Call the girls in.
- I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy!
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300. Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father
owns the shoe store at the mall?
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301. A lot of us have always wanted
to date Clyde to get free shoes,
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302. but we couldn't, because
he wasn't popular enough.
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303. You knew!
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304. Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde
in the bottom five of the list!
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305. That's why we had
to manipulate the votes,
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306. forge a new list
and hide the real one.
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307. So that you all could justify
dating Clyde and get shoes?
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308. How dare you take advantage
of your position!
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309. I'm gonna tell Bebe and have you both
disbarred from the list committee!
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310. Bebe? Who do you think
authorized the buyout?
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311. No. Not Bebe.
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312. She's dating Clyde now.
Nobody loves shoes more than her.
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313. What's going on?
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314. When the other girls find out
you ignored their votes, they're gonna—
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315. Do you really think they'll believe you
over the heads of the committee?
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316. We'll simple generate a new list!
"Biggest Liars"!
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317. And put you at the top!
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318. Do yourself a favor, Wendy.
Just let it go.
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319. And keep
your little mouth shut!
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320. I don't think so!
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321. Stan, run!
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322. Jesus, dude!
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323. Hey, kid,
have you seen Kyle?
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324. We've looked everywhere
and we have to show him something.
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325. - He's burning down the school.
- What?
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326. He said he gonna burn the school
down to the ground.
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327. All the cruel jokes and ridicule
will finally be over!
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328. Are you happy now, God?
You made me look like this!
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329. - Kyle! Kyle, don't!
- Don't try and stop me, Stan!
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330. You don't know how it feels to be
a deformed monstrosity!
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331. The list
was a forgery, Kyle!
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332. It didn't sparkle with all the girls.
We have the real list.
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333. That's about far enough!
Give me that list, Wendy!
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334. - Stan, what is going on?
- It was about shoes, Kyle.
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335. The girls wanted shoes,
so they set you up.
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336. Kyle was simply
a casualty.
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337. To move Clyde meant Craig
had to be moved to number twelve,
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338. which moved Jimmy down
and moved Jason up!
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339. So what number
was I?
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340. You've compromised everything!
Our list's integrity!
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341. Did you see these shoes, Wendy?
They're incredible!
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342. It doesn't matter how incredible
they are. You can't—
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343. - Oh my God, those are amazing.
- Right?
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344. - Is that a lace across the top?
- No, it's a little strap.
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345. Wendy?
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346. Oh. But it doesn't matter.
You took it too far!
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347. If you hadn't gone
all Nancy Drew on us,
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348. this would have
just gone away!
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349. - She's gonna kill us?
- It's too late, Bebe.
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350. I've already made a full report and sent
a copy to the police. People will know.
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351. Oh please, you're lying.
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352. Give it up, Bebe.
We know all about it.
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353. The list was compromised.
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354. Kyle Broflovski is not
the ugliest boy in the class.
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355. Wendy!
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356. - Wait, I didn't do anything wrong.
- You can explain all that downtown.
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357. Here, Kyle.
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358. We've been through a lot,
but you can finally see
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359. where you really are
on the list.
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360. Are you sure
you're okay with this, Kyle?
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361. I'm sure.
Abe Lincoln was right.
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362. I don't wanna find out
I'm good-looking
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363. and become a total shithead
when I grow up.
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364. Abe Lincoln?
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365. Stan, it's been really great
hanging out with you again.
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366. I feel like you've changed somehow.
In a really awesome way.
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367. Yeah well, I guess a lot of things
change, don't they?
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