1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
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2. Hi.
Welcome to P.F. Chang's.
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3. How spicy would you like me
to make your Chang Sauce?
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4. Chris, the people at table 3
need their check.
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5. I know.
I'm swamped!
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6. - I've got no help here!
- What about the new waiter?
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7. The new waiter is useless.
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8. And I think he's high.
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9. How spicy would you like
your Chang Sauce?
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10. Can we just place our order,
please?
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11. Oh, man.
I have no idea what's going on.
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12. Everything okay here?
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13. Fine, except this towel
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14. has been mixing Chang Sauce
for 15 minutes.
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15. He's clueless.
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16. Don't call m e shoeless!
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17. You're shoeless!
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18. Yeah.
Well, you're a towel.
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19. You're a towel!
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20. All right. That's it.
Get out of here. You're fired!
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21. Yeah!
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22. Not him, you!
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23. Aww.
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24. Oh, man.
I really screwed up this time.
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25. The rent's due
at the end of the month,
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26. and I don't have any money!
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27. I need to shape up
and find a new job quick!
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28. But first maybe I'll get
a little high.
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29. Wait.
Here it comes.
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30. A good idea is coming.
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31. Yeah.
Hey, yeah!
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32. I should become a writer!
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33. If I just write a book about
my life, I can get it published
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34. and then make plenty of money
to pay rent!
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35. I'll bet people can't wait
to read my memoirs.
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36. "A Million... Little Fibers."
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37. "By Toweleeeie."
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38. This is a really good idea.
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39. Uh-huh.
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40. Mm.
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41. Yes.
Yes, I see.
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42. Well, that's quite
a fascinating story —
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43. you being engineered as a towel
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44. with a computer chip
that determines dryness.
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45. Yep.
And it's all true!
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46. Chapters 4 through 8, however,
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47. seem to all be about
Doritos brand corn chips.
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48. I guess I could edit
those chapters down some.
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49. Don't bother.
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50. I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,
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51. but nobody is ever going to
publish your memoirs.
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52. Huh?
Why not?
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53. Well, just the small,
trivial fact
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54. that people aren't interested
in autobiographies of towels.
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55. Well, yeah, but maybe people
will read my memoirs
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56. and, like, apply its lessons
to their own lives.
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57. No, they won't.
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58. Because they're people.
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59. And you're a towel.
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60. You're a towel.
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61. No, I'm a big book publisher
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62. who's not the least bit
interested
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63. in your stony memoirs.
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64. You're a towel.
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65. Now what am I gonna do?
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66. I got to pay rent,
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67. and I just wasted three weeks
writing my memoirs.
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68. It's time for me to stop being
so irresponsible.
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69. I've got to shape up, focus,
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70. and come up with real solutions
to my problems.
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71. I'd better get a little high.
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72. Oh, maybe I shouldn't.
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73. But you have to think
of something fast,
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74. and getting high
makes you smart.
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75. All right.
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76. I'll just use
my special getting-high powers
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77. one more time.
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78. Hey.
Hey, wait a minute!
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79. Of course!
That's it!
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80. Why didn't I think of it
before?
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81. "All my life I've been
a pretty irresponsible towel."
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82. "Person."
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83. "I thought I was somehow
stronger and more immune
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84. than other towels."
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85. "People."
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86. This is a really good idea.
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87. Oh.
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88. Oh, my God.
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89. I cannot believe a human being
has led this kind of life,
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90. Mister...
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91. McTowelie.
Steven McTowelie.
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92. It's heartbreaking passages
like this one —
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93. "I am a person who often
gets hung out to dry
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94. by all those around me."
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95. I know this company would be
honored to publish this book.
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96. I just have one small question
first.
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97. You're not... a towel, are you?
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98. No.
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99. If I was a towel,
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100. why would I be wearing this hat
and this fake mustache?
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101. Right.
I'm sorry.
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102. Well, Steven,
if it's all right with you,
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103. I'm going to get our agents
and lawyers on the phone.
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104. We're in business, sir.
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105. All right!
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106. Thank you so much!
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107. Once in a while,
I come across a book
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108. that is so honest and so moving
that it changes my life.
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109. "A Million Little Fibers"
is the true story
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110. of a man who was born
in a laboratory.
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111. Please welcome author
Steven McTowelie!
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112. Steven, when I read your book,
I thought to myself,
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113. "How can a human being
go through all this
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114. and still turn out okay?"
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115. Well, I guess I'm just
an extra-special tow—
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116. person!
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117. You talk in your book
how you would sometimes
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118. have to spend days
hung up on a rack.
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119. What would that do to you
emotionally?
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120. You have been through so much,
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121. and I think that people
all over America...
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122. Oh, God. There she goes again.
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123. Babbling about people's lives
and carrying on.
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124. She hasn't paid any attention
to m e in years!
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125. A life that kept getting up
whenever it was down...
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126. Nobody knows what it's
like to be Oprah's minge.
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127. All she does is work.
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128. Never gives her ol' minge
a nice rub now and again.
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129. A minge needs attention!
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130. At least a scratch
once in a while!
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131. Well, Steven, your book hasn't
sold a lot of copies yet,
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132. but I have some pretty exciting
news for you.
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133. Used to be a time
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134. when Oprah would play with me
night and day.
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135. She'd pet me for hours,
using every finger.
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136. But now I just sit here...
in the dark.
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137. Not even so much as a pinkie.
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138. I should write a book.
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139. It'd be much more depressing
than his.
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140. And so, Steven,
I am making your book
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141. my official
"Book of the Month" selection!
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142. Really?
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143. Wow!
I'm gonna get super-rich now!
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144. Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, listen.
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145. Maybe we can get her in
as a guest on the 19th.
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146. Is John Travolta available
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147. to be a guest
the week after that?
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148. Okay. That might work better
since it's sweeps week.
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149. Can't take it anymore.
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150. All she ever does
is work, work, work.
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151. Never pays attention
to the ol' minge.
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152. I'm always trapped
in these stuffy pantsuits.
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153. I want attention.
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154. I'm bloody bored!
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155. Oh, stop your complainin'!
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156. I'm trying to sleep back here!
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157. Oi, who's that?
Is that you, Gary?
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158. Yes, it's me.
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159. You think you got it bad?
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160. Oprah hasn't paid any attention
to me in years.
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161. Oh, what do you care?
You're just an asshole.
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162. I'm a minge!
Minges need stimulation!
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163. Assholes need stimulation,
too, you bastard.
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164. I want to travel.
I want to see Paris.
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165. I thought life
was going to get better.
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166. But Oprah's always busy.
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167. Working and working,
dieting and not dieting.
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168. I'm either puking up mounds
of chocolate cake
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169. or teaspoons of wheat grass.
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170. She's a workaholic.
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171. Let's face it —
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172. The only way we're gonna get
any attention
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173. is if Oprah doesn't work
anymore.
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174. Well, that will never happen.
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175. Not unless she gets fired.
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176. Fired?
You got a plan, Mingie?
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177. That bloke on the show today,
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178. the one Oprah supported —
He isn't a bloke at all.
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179. He's a towel.
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180. Oh. How do you know?
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181. I'm a minge.
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182. Minges know a towel
when they hear one.
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183. If evidence gets out
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184. that Oprah's champion author
is a towel,
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185. she'll look right foolish.
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186. Fans will start dropping off
by the millions.
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187. How do we get proof?
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188. We get somebody else to do it.
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189. The greatest investigative
reporter of our time.
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190. Mr. Rivera?
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191. What is it, Dmitri?
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192. There's somebody on the phone
to speak with you.
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193. He says he has inside
information for you
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194. that may discredit
Oprah Winfrey.
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195. This is Geraldo.
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196. Hello, Geraldo.
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197. I've got some information for
you you might find interesting.
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198. It could make Oprah Winfrey look
quite foolish.
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199. Who am I speaking with?
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200. He wants to know
who he's speaking with.
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201. Let's just say I work
very closely with Oprah.
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202. You'd like to see her
discredited, wouldn't you?
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203. What information do you have?
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204. What'd he say?
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205. He wants to know
what information we have.
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206. Just tell me what he says, Gary.
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207. Don't wait for me to ask you,
"What'd he say?"
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208. Stop wasting my time.
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209. Don't get snooty with me, Gary!
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210. I didn't say,
"Stop wasting my time."
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211. Geraldo did!
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212. What is going on here?
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213. All right, Gary.
This isn't working.
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214. Let's switch.
I'll listen and you talk.
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215. - Hello?
- Who is this?
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216. T-This is Gary.
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217. Gary who?
What is your last name?
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218. Don't give away your name.
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219. We don't want him knowing
who we are.
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220. All right. Look.
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221. All you need to know is I'm
definitely not Oprah's asshole.
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222. Oh, you stupid twit!
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223. Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!
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224. He didn't call you
a stupid twit. I did!
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225. Now, just tell him this.
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226. The writer of the book on
Oprah's "Book of the Month" club
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227. is a phony.
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228. He's not a person at all.
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229. He's a towel.
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230. A towel?
A talking towel?
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231. That doesn't make any sense.
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232. Tell him he'd be surprised
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233. the things that can talk.
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234. You'd be surprised
the things that can talk.
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235. What proof do have
of this accusation?
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236. Just look into the author
of "A Million Little Fibers,"
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237. and you'll discover the truth.
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238. And how do I go about that?
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239. Hello?
Hello?
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240. This is "Larry King Live."
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241. My guest tonight
is Steven McTowelie,
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242. author of the acclaimed book
"A Million Little Fibers."
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243. How are you tonight, Steven?
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244. Well, Larry, I'm a little high.
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245. Your book has helped
a lot of people beat addiction.
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246. What made you write it?
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247. Well, Larry, I was really just
writing down my memoirs as a —
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248. What? What's that?
Oh, excuse me, Steven.
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249. I understand that we have
a special report coming in.
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250. Joining us live
from Afghanistan,
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251. here is Geraldo Rivera.
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252. Hello?
Larry, are you receiving me?
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253. We're here, Geraldo.
You're live on the show.
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254. Larry, this brave reporter
has spent days
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255. investigating and researching,
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256. and I have come up with
a shocking discovery
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257. that is going to rock the balls
and ass of the literary world.
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258. Steven McTowelie, author
of "A Million Little Fibers"...
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259. is a to we I.
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260. You're a towel!
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261. No, you're a towel.
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262. Well, you're a beaner towel.
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263. What did you say?
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264. I'm sorry.
I'm high.
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265. This looks pretty bad, Oprah.
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266. Your fans look to you to be
all-knowing and all-seeing,
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267. and you've just spent two weeks
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268. supporting a lying,
racist towel.
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269. He did it, Gary!
Geraldo got the proof!
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270. Oprah's got egg all over face!
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271. She'll have to retire!
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272. It's the beginning
of a new life for us, Gar.
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273. Without her career
to worry about,
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274. Oprah's sure to travel
the world,
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275. enjoy the finer things in life.
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276. She'll spend hours just playing
with her ol' minge.
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277. And her Gary, too?
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278. Sure, and her Gary.
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279. We did it, mate!
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280. Oprah, we need to figure out
what we're going to do!
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281. What's the big deal?
His book helped people.
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282. Why does it matter
that he made some stuff up?
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283. Are people really going to be
that mad?
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284. Your book got me to give up
alcohol!
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285. But I thought you were a person!
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286. Yeah, we want our money back,
you dumb towel!
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287. No insultar Mexicanos, olé!
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288. No insultar Mexicanos, olé!
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289. Oh, God.
I'm really in trouble now.
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290. Hello?
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291. Steven, it's Oprah.
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292. Can you come on my show
again tomorrow?
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293. Why?
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294. We need to tell the audience
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295. why you changed some
of the facts in your book,
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296. that you thought it necessary
to heighten certain things
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297. to make the book more relevant
to people.
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298. Hey, yeah.
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299. Just come on the show
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300. and explain
in a very level-headed way
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301. that changing some facts
shouldn't matter
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302. if the book helps people, okay?
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303. Okay!
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304. Thanks, Oprah.
You're a real friend.
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305. See you tomorrow!
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306. All right.
I've got one chance here.
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307. I need to focus and come up
with what I'm gonna say.
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308. Maybe I should get
a little high.
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309. No.
Wait a minute!
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310. I'm not gonna get high
this time.
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311. Aw, come on.
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312. You need to come up with ideas
of what to say on "Oprah."
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313. But the ideas I come up with
when I'm high
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314. keep getting me in trouble.
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315. Yeah, that's why you should
only get a little high.
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316. Well, maybe just a little high.
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317. Today, my guest is once again
Steven McTowelie,
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318. whose memoirs
many of you purchased
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319. after I made it my
"Book of the Month" selection!
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320. You hear that, Gary?
Nobody's applaudin'!
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321. Yeah.
They're all right pissed off!
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322. This is great!
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323. Now, it turns out that your name
isn't really Steven.
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324. It's Towelie, correct?
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325. Yeah.
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326. And you are a towel.
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327. Yes, I'm pretty much a towel,
Oprah.
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328. Can you explain to the audience
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329. why you said
you weren't a towel before?
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330. Well, Oprah, I was all, like...
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331. Um... w-well, they're all like...
It's like...
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332. Was it that you thought
embellishing the story
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333. was okay if it helped people?
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334. Yeah!
Yeah, that's it!
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335. Well, you know what I think,
Towelie?
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336. I think you're a lying sack
shit.
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337. You lied to all these people,
and for what?
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338. To make money!
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339. They bought your book
thinking it was true!
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340. - Yeah! That's right!
- Yeah.
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341. But I thought you said —
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342. How dare you lie to me
and make me look foolish?
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343. What's this?
What's she doin'?
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344. I don't understand, Mingie!
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345. You think writing is a joke,
you stupid towel!
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346. Yeah.
You — You get him, Oprah!
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347. Yeah!
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348. You will not get away with this.
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349. She's getting everyone
back on her side!
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350. Oh, the clever cow!
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351. You lied to me, Towelie,
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352. and therefore,
you have lied to America.
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353. We are going to rise up
against you!
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354. Yeah!
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355. Is this audience ready for
a good old-fashioned lynching?
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356. Yeah!
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357. Huh?
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358. Audience, if you look
under your seats,
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359. you'll find
your very own torches!
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360. Minge! Does this mean
I have to wait to see Paris?
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361. There's not gonna be any Paris.
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362. Don't you get it, Gary?
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363. The fat cow got everyone
on her side again!
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364. She'll be working
more than ever now!
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365. - Our plan is ruined!
- No!
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366. We'll give you
a five-second head start!
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367. One, two!
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368. Aah!
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369. Let's get him!
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370. Burn him!
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371. Burn the towel!
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372. Burn that which lies to Oprah!
Copy !req
373. Looks like your time is up,
Towelie!
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374. I've lead my adoring fans
right to you!
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375. - All right, Oprah!
- Yeah!
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376. I've shown my fans that —
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377. Ugh! Ow! Wha—
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378. All right! Everyone back!
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379. Get back, I said!
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380. What the hell is this?
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381. Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
Copy !req
382. Mingie! What are you doing?
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383. We're getting out of
here, Gary, one way or another!
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384. What is going on?
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385. Shut up!
Shut up, you miserable old cow!
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386. Or so help me,
I'll blow your brains out!
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387. I want a chopper —
you got that? —
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388. and a jet waiting
at the airport!
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389. Mingie, have you lost your mind?
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390. Come on, Gary.
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391. You said you always
wanted to see Paris.
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392. Not like this, Mingie.
Not like this!
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393. All right.
The gig is up.
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394. Just put down the gun.
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395. Stay back, mate!
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396. Drop the gun and step away.
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397. I'm warning you!
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398. Put it down, I said!
Copy !req
399. Jesus, Minge! You killed him!
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400. You shot him dead!
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401. No turning back now, Gary.
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402. Oh, my God.
I think I'm gonna be sick!
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403. Keep your head, Gary!
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404. I can't. I'm gonna puke!
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405. Oh, Gary, that smells awful.
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406. Now I'm gonna throw up!
Copy !req
407. Try to leave,
and I'll shoot you, too!
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408. You hostages aren't going
anywhere
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409. until we get what we want!
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410. Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?
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411. You got us into this, towel.
Think of something!
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412. All right.
I'm gonna get a little high.
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413. No!
No, I'm not gonna get high!
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414. Every time I get high,
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415. I come up with ideas
that get me in more trouble.
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416. I'm not getting high this time!
Copy !req
417. I'm standing in the business
district of central Chicago,
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418. where Oprah's vagina
has killed a police officer
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419. and taken several people
hostage.
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420. It is yet unconfirmed
but believed
Copy !req
421. that Oprah's asshole may be
an accomplice in this as well.
Copy !req
422. We got the walkie-talkie
you asked for.
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423. Put it underneath me.
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424. Slowly, mate!
Slowly!
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425. Now back off.
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426. All right, Gary.
Squeeze the walkie button.
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427. This is Oprah's minge.
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428. Hello. I'm Lieutenant Nelson.
What are your demands?
Copy !req
429. I want a chopper
and a jet waiting at the airport
Copy !req
430. to take us to France.
Copy !req
431. Plus, we need some
fresh knickers right away.
Copy !req
432. All right. How about fresh
underwear for one hostage?
Copy !req
433. I'm not playing games
with you, mate!
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434. Gary's drownin' in his own sick!
Copy !req
435. All right. We'll work on it.
Don't do anything foolish.
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436. We don't have any time.
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437. This is the most unstable vagina
I've ever talked to.
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438. O'Reilly, you got a shot?
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439. I got it.
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440. Not with those hostages
so close!
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441. It's too risky!
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442. Just put down the gun, Mingie.
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443. Maybe they'll go easy on us.
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444. Don't be stupid, Gary.
I've killed a policeman.
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445. They'll fry me
and lock you up for life.
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446. Oh, Mingie, I'm so scared!
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447. We're gonna get out
of here, mate.
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448. Just leave it to me.
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449. Oprah's vagina,
this is your last warning.
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450. Put down the gun.
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451. If that chopper
isn't here in two minutes,
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452. I'm killing a hostage!
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453. Hey.
Wait a minute.
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454. Psst!
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455. I mean it!
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456. Hostages are gonna start dyin'
if you don't listen!
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457. Hostages are clear!
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458. All right. That's it.
Take it out.
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459. Aah!
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460. What the...
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461. You missed me,
you stupid buggers!
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462. You see that, Gary?
They can't even aim!
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463. Min— Mingie?
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464. Gary, what's — what's wrong?
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465. They got me, Mingie.
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466. No. Oh, no!
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467. Oh. They got me bad.
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468. Oh, the blood!
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469. Try to hang on, Gar!
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470. It's gettin' dark, Minge.
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471. Oh, Gary.
What have I got you into?
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472. I'm seeing my life
flash before me eyes.
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473. Mingie?
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474. I'm here, Gar!
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475. Where — Where are we, Mingie?
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476. Are we in Paris?
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477. Yeah.
Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.
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478. Is it as wonderful as I hoped?
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479. I-It's beautiful.
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480. We finally made it.
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481. Tell me what you see, Mingie.
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482. Well, there's the Eiffel
Tower right in front of us,
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483. the Louvre right over there
behind you,
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484. and fresh baguettes all around!
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485. Ah.
I can smell 'em, Mingie.
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486. At least I got to see Paris
before I...
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487. Gary?
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488. Gary, say something!
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489. You killed him, you bastards!
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490. He didn't even want any part
in this!
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491. This all your fault,
you stupid cow!
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492. You never gave your ol' Gary the
time of day, and now he's gone!
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493. Life ain't worth living anymore.
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494. What's the use?
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495. I'm coming to see you, Gary!
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496. I'm coming to see you!
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497. No!
Don't!
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498. Oprah's going to be okay.
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499. Wish I could say the same
for her vagina and asshole.
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500. That's a great idea you had
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501. to sneak the hostages
inside the bank.
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502. Yeah, it sure was.
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503. We're sorry we tried to burn you
and murder you before.
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504. Oh, that's okay.
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505. This whole thing was my fault.
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506. I learned that I shouldn't
get high to come up with ideas.
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507. I should come up with ideas
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508. and then get high
to reward myself.
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509. You said it!
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