1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
2. The popular cartoon
"Family Guy"Copy !req
3. is going to show the image
of Muhammad uncensored!Copy !req
4. If we all bury our heads
in sand,Copy !req
5. we can avoid being any part
of this.Copy !req
6. And I'm gonna do whatever I canCopy !req
7. to get that episode pulled
before this gets out of hand.Copy !req
8. You just want "Family Guy"
off the air.Copy !req
9. Kyle, stop it!Copy !req
10. So long, Kyle!Copy !req
11. You son of a bitch!
I won't let you win!Copy !req
12. Mr. President...
there's somethingCopy !req
13. about the "Family Guy" writing
staff I think you should know.Copy !req
14. And now the thrilling
conclusion of "Cartoon Wars"...Copy !req
15. will not be seen tonight
so that we can bring youCopy !req
16. this "Terrance & Phillip"
television special!Copy !req
17. Say, Terrance, isn't it
wonderful having a holidayCopy !req
18. here at the Lazy "J" ranch?Copy !req
19. It sure is, Phillip.Copy !req
20. But I do believe this steer
I'm riding has the farts.Copy !req
21. Oh!
Look who's coming!Copy !req
22. Isn't that Muhammad, the holy
prophet of the Muslim religion?Copy !req
23. Hey, guys.
How's it going?Copy !req
24. Hello, Muhammad.Copy !req
25. We've read all aboot you
in the Qur'an.Copy !req
26. I'm here to investigate
a murder.Copy !req
27. All right! Just what
the hell is going on here?Copy !req
28. You censored out
the image of MuhammadCopy !req
29. in our television special!Copy !req
30. Eh.
You guys know the rules.Copy !req
31. Nobody can show the image
of Muhammad anymore.Copy !req
32. - It's dangerous.
- But you ruined the whole show!Copy !req
33. Look, I'm not going to risk
the livesCopy !req
34. of the people at this network.Copy !req
35. Let's just forget aboot it,
okay, guys?Copy !req
36. Oh, come on, guys.
Give me a break.Copy !req
37. We demand you rerun
"Mystery at the Lazy 'J' Ranch"Copy !req
38. with Muhammad uncensored!Copy !req
39. Eh! I run this network,
not you guys!Copy !req
40. And if you ask me,Copy !req
41. your show has become
so preachy and full of messagesCopy !req
42. that you've forgotten
how to be funny!Copy !req
43. No Muhammad!Copy !req
44. But "Family Guy"
is going to show MuhammadCopy !req
45. on an episode that airs tonight!Copy !req
46. I doubt it!Copy !req
47. I'll bet that right now,
somebody is on their wayCopy !req
48. to Fox network to demand that
that episode be pulled!Copy !req
49. Ma'am, I need to speak with
the president of this networkCopy !req
50. right away.Copy !req
51. What is it regarding?Copy !req
52. It's regarding "Family Guy."Copy !req
53. I demand the Muhammad episode be
pulled before it airs tonight.Copy !req
54. It's incendiary,
it's offensive to Muslims,Copy !req
55. and people can get hurt.Copy !req
56. It's wrong.
It's wro-o-o-ng!Copy !req
57. Okay, but if you've got
a problem with "Family Guy,"Copy !req
58. you'll have to wait in line.Copy !req
59. That little boy over there
has an appointmentCopy !req
60. to try and get "Family Guy"
off the air altogether.Copy !req
61. Dude, can I go before you?Copy !req
62. Eat my shorts.Copy !req
63. What the hell is going on?Copy !req
64. Hello?Copy !req
65. Excuse me?
I need to get to Los Angeles.Copy !req
66. Hey!Copy !req
67. Hello?Copy !req
68. starting in a small town
in central Colorado,Copy !req
69. the idea has now spread
all over America.Copy !req
70. Muslims continue to riot
in the Middle East,Copy !req
71. demanding that "Family Guy"
not air tonight's episode.Copy !req
72. And Muslim terrorists continue
to make threats.Copy !req
73. Osama bin Laden
had this to say.Copy !req
74. Bin Laden went on to sayCopy !req
75. that if "Family Guy" shows the
image of Muhammad as planned,Copy !req
76. the terrorist retaliation
will be immediate.Copy !req
77. - You one of them?
- Who?Copy !req
78. How come your head
ain't in the sand?Copy !req
79. So... you don't like "Family Guy"
either, huh?Copy !req
80. I hate "Family Guy."Copy !req
81. So what's your plan?Copy !req
82. You gonna ask the president
of the network nicelyCopy !req
83. to take it off the air?Copy !req
84. Not nicely.Copy !req
85. Look, kid,
if you hate a TV show,Copy !req
86. all you have to do
is get an episode pulled.Copy !req
87. Pretty soon the show
is compromised,Copy !req
88. and it goes off the air.Copy !req
89. Cool, man!Copy !req
90. Yes.Copy !req
91. So my plan is to use
this whole Muhammad thingCopy !req
92. as a way to scare the network
into pulling tonight's show.Copy !req
93. I'm going to use fear
to get them to do what I want.Copy !req
94. Isn't that like terrorism?Copy !req
95. No, it isn't like terrorism.Copy !req
96. It is terrorism.Copy !req
97. I can do that!Copy !req
98. This is manipulation
at its highest level.Copy !req
99. You should let me handle this.Copy !req
100. I'm a pretty bad kid.Copy !req
101. Really? What's the worst thing
you've ever done?Copy !req
102. I stole the head
off a statue once.Copy !req
103. Wow.
That's pretty hard-core.Copy !req
104. Geez.Copy !req
105. That's like this one time
when I didn't like a kid,Copy !req
106. so I ground his parents up
into chili and fed it to him.Copy !req
107. You got it, man.
You got it.Copy !req
108. See ya.Copy !req
109. I want to assure the American
people that as president,Copy !req
110. I have exhausted
every possible solution.Copy !req
111. Unfortunately,
Muhammad will appear uncensoredCopy !req
112. on "Family Guy" tonight at 7:00.Copy !req
113. Mr. President! Mr. President!Copy !req
114. Mr. President, can't the writers
of the show be reasoned with?Copy !req
115. Don't they know they're putting
the country in danger?Copy !req
116. I have come to understandCopy !req
117. something about the "Family Guy"
writing staff.Copy !req
118. Suffice it to say that they
will not be persuadedCopy !req
119. by the possibility of violence.Copy !req
120. Mr. President! Mr. President!Copy !req
121. Mr. President!
Mr. President!Copy !req
122. What exactly did you learnCopy !req
123. about the "Family Guy"
writing staff, Mr. President?Copy !req
124. I'm afraid that information
is classified.Copy !req
125. Aww!Copy !req
126. Mr. President!
Mr. President!Copy !req
127. Mr. President, can't you force
the "Family Guy" writing staffCopy !req
128. not to write anything
about Muhammad?Copy !req
129. Couldn't you throw them
in prison?Copy !req
130. Look, the fact of the matter is
the "Family Guy" writing staffCopy !req
131. is protected by something
called the First Amendment.Copy !req
132. And what exactly is this
First Amendment, Mr. President?Copy !req
133. You know —
right to free speech.Copy !req
134. Aww!Copy !req
135. Mr. President! Mr. President!Copy !req
136. Mr. President!Copy !req
137. Mr. President,
when your administrationCopy !req
138. came up with
this First Amendment,Copy !req
139. did it not foresee a problem
like this might happen?Copy !req
140. Well, we didn't come up with
the First Amendment.Copy !req
141. It was already in place.Copy !req
142. What do you intend to doCopy !req
143. about this First Amendment,
Mr. President?Copy !req
144. Forgive me, Mr. President,
but this First AmendmentCopy !req
145. sounds like a lot
of bureaucratic jibbery-joo.Copy !req
146. - Yeah!
- That's right!Copy !req
147. Okay.
Let's discuss the fall lineup.Copy !req
148. Sir, there's still
one little boy out hereCopy !req
149. who wants to speak with youCopy !req
150. about pulling
the "Family Guy" episode.Copy !req
151. All right.
Let's get this over with.Copy !req
152. Hello, gentlemen, ladies.Copy !req
153. My name is little Danny Pocket,Copy !req
154. and I won't take
much of your time.Copy !req
155. Please excuse my tiny crutch.Copy !req
156. It's the only way
I can get around these days.Copy !req
157. Ow.Copy !req
158. - Oh, poor kid.
- Poor kid. Yeah.Copy !req
159. You see, my father
worked for a newspaperCopy !req
160. in my native country of Denmark.Copy !req
161. His newspaper showed
an image of Muhammad,Copy !req
162. and two days later, terrorists
suicide-bombed his building.Copy !req
163. I was in the lobby
when it happened.Copy !req
164. First one terrorist
suicide-bombed us,Copy !req
165. and then dozens more.Copy !req
166. They just kept coming —Copy !req
167. suicide bombers running
in the buildingCopy !req
168. and blowing up,
one after another.Copy !req
169. They were like
Mexican jumping beans.Copy !req
170. I just don't want to see people
here at your studio getting hurtCopy !req
171. because that would be,
of course, your responsibility.Copy !req
172. Ow.Copy !req
173. I feel terrible.Copy !req
174. It's so easy to put
terrorism out of mindCopy !req
175. until one of its victims
is staring you in the face.Copy !req
176. Sir, if we pull the episode,Copy !req
177. the "Family Guy" writing staff
will refuse to work again.Copy !req
178. Little boy, will you talk to
the "Family Guy" writing staff?Copy !req
179. If your story touches
their hearts like it has ours,Copy !req
180. perhaps they'll back down from
demanding we air the episode.Copy !req
181. - I'll certainly do my best.
- Ow.Copy !req
182. Take this noble child over
to the "Family Guy" offices.Copy !req
183. If he can scare them
like he has us,Copy !req
184. maybe we can pull
the Muhammad episode after all.Copy !req
185. Yes. And then "Family Guy"
is as good as dead.Copy !req
186. What was what?Copy !req
187. I-I said thank you.
Thank you for listening.Copy !req
188. Thanks a lot for the ride.Copy !req
189. Hey, it's the least I could do.Copy !req
190. I hope you succeed, kid.Copy !req
191. I really don't want to see
"Family Guy" go off the air.Copy !req
192. I love that show!Copy !req
193. I'll do everything I can.Copy !req
194. I mean, I know it's just joke
after joke, but I like that.Copy !req
195. At least it doesn't get
all preachyCopy !req
196. and up its own ass
with messages, you know?Copy !req
197. Excuse me!Copy !req
198. Do you know which way the
network president's office is?Copy !req
199. Who wants to know?Copy !req
200. Look, my fat bastard friend
is trying to trick the networkCopy !req
201. into getting "Family Guy"
off the air.Copy !req
202. The network president's office
is in there.Copy !req
203. Oh.
Thanks, dude.Copy !req
204. No problem, man.Copy !req
205. Hello?Copy !req
206. This can't be right. I —Copy !req
207. Cowabunga, motherfucker!Copy !req
208. Hello, Mitchell.Copy !req
209. Oh, hi, Ms. Travis.Copy !req
210. The president has asked
that little Danny Pocket hereCopy !req
211. speak with the "Family Guy"
writing staff.Copy !req
212. Are you sure?Copy !req
213. They're working on
a new episode right now.Copy !req
214. It won't take long, sir.Copy !req
215. Ow.Copy !req
216. All right.
I'll take him back.Copy !req
217. Follow me, little Danny.Copy !req
218. You must be excited.Copy !req
219. Not many people get to meet
our writing staff.Copy !req
220. Yes.
I'm totally excited.Copy !req
221. "Family Guy" is so funny.Copy !req
222. Well, here we are.Copy !req
223. Danny, the "Family Guy"
writing staff.Copy !req
224. What?Copy !req
225. - What are they?
- They're manatees.Copy !req
226. Gretchen and Flubber
are from the Gulf of Mexico.Copy !req
227. Tigger, Pete, and Lucy
are from the Caribbean Sea.Copy !req
228. "Family Guy" is written
by manatees?Copy !req
229. Of course.
It all makes sense now.Copy !req
230. They really are
brilliant creatures.Copy !req
231. You see, the right side of the
tank is filled with idea balls.Copy !req
232. Each idea ball has a verb, noun,Copy !req
233. or pop-culture reference
written on it.Copy !req
234. There's millions of them.Copy !req
235. The manatees choose an idea ballCopy !req
236. and swim it to the joke combine
on the other side of the tank.Copy !req
237. There goes Gretchen!
She's coming up with an idea!Copy !req
238. Oh, she came up
with Gary Coleman.Copy !req
239. The idea balls
drop into the joke combineCopy !req
240. and form a part
of the new script.Copy !req
241. "Laundry,"date,"winning,"
"Mexico,"Gary Coleman."Copy !req
242. A perfect "Family Guy" joke!Copy !req
243. I can see it now!Copy !req
244. Peter, you didn't do the laundry
today.Copy !req
245. You think that's bad?Copy !req
246. Remember the time I won a date
to Mexico with Gary Coleman?Copy !req
247. ¿Qué pasó, señors?Copy !req
248. What you talking 'bout, Willis?Copy !req
249. W-Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.Copy !req
250. These manatees demanded
that Muhammad be shown?Copy !req
251. How?
Manatees don't talk!Copy !req
252. When Fox censored the image
of Muhammad last week,Copy !req
253. it also meant
that the Muhammad ballCopy !req
254. had to come out
of the idea tank.Copy !req
255. It made the manatees very upset.Copy !req
256. Pull just one idea ball
out of the idea tank,Copy !req
257. and the manatees stop working.Copy !req
258. Here. I'll show you.
Keith?Copy !req
259. All right. All right.
Put it back in!Copy !req
260. Manatees are
very ethical writers.Copy !req
261. Either everything is okay
to write about or nothing is.Copy !req
262. Anyway, the president
of the networkCopy !req
263. wanted you to speak
with the manatees?Copy !req
264. Oh.
Yes, yes.Copy !req
265. Um... hello, manatees.Copy !req
266. I-I think you should allow
the networkCopy !req
267. to pull your episode
with Muhammad.Copy !req
268. See, I'm the victim
of a-a terrorist attack,Copy !req
269. and terrorists might
come after you if —Copy !req
270. - That isn't gonna work on them.
- Why not?Copy !req
271. Don't you know anything
about manatees?Copy !req
272. They're the only mammals
that are completely unmovedCopy !req
273. by terrorist threats.Copy !req
274. Son of a bitch.Copy !req
275. Let me out of here, kid.
Why are you doing this?Copy !req
276. Well, well, well.Copy !req
277. - Cartman!
- Hello, Kyle.Copy !req
278. Looks like you've run into
a little snagCopy !req
279. in your plan as well.Copy !req
280. You fat son of a bitch!Copy !req
281. You came so close to
stopping me, didn't you, Kyle?Copy !req
282. There was just one thing
you didn't count on —Copy !req
283. that more people besides me
hate "Family Guy."Copy !req
284. Yeah.Copy !req
285. Well, a lot of people like
"Family Guy," too!Copy !req
286. Who are you to decide
it shouldn't be on the air?Copy !req
287. Shut up!
You shut your fucking face, man!Copy !req
288. Did it work?Copy !req
289. Did you scare the network
into pulling the episode?Copy !req
290. Not yet, but I've come up
with a new plan.Copy !req
291. I've learned how to make
the "Family Guy" writing staffCopy !req
292. stop working.Copy !req
293. As soon as everyone goes
on their lunch break,Copy !req
294. I can sneak back in.Copy !req
295. Cool, man.Copy !req
296. Cartman, let me out
of this stupid net!Copy !req
297. Good, Kyle!Copy !req
298. That's good anger
you're showing there!Copy !req
299. You see that?Copy !req
300. That's emotional
character developmentCopy !req
301. based on what's happening
in the story line.Copy !req
302. Not at all like "Family Guy."Copy !req
303. Now, if you'll excuse me, Kyle,Copy !req
304. I've got some idea balls
to remove from a manatee tank.Copy !req
305. What?Copy !req
306. I don't understand it.Copy !req
307. What's wrong with them?Copy !req
308. We don't know, Mr. President.
They just stopped working.Copy !req
309. But nobody took any idea balls
out of the tank, did they?Copy !req
310. No, sir.
None of us did.Copy !req
311. Then why are they refusing
to write?Copy !req
312. I agreed to show Muhammad
uncensored!Copy !req
313. I did what you asked!Copy !req
314. What do you want from me?Copy !req
315. Sir, sir.Copy !req
316. If you don't mind my saying,
I think you asked for this.Copy !req
317. You gave in to the manatees
last week.Copy !req
318. Now they know all they
have to do is refuse to workCopy !req
319. and they can get
whatever they want.Copy !req
320. You've spoiled them
by caving in.Copy !req
321. Now they think they can walk
all over you.Copy !req
322. Sir, you are in charge
of this network, not them.Copy !req
323. Maybe it's time you showed them
who's in charge.Copy !req
324. You're right.Copy !req
325. It's time I stop letting
these prima donna manateesCopy !req
326. tell me what to do!Copy !req
327. I'm pulling
the Muhammad episode!Copy !req
328. You got that?Copy !req
329. And if you all don't
want to work tomorrow,Copy !req
330. you can just find other jobs!Copy !req
331. How long before "Family Guy"
is supposed to air?Copy !req
332. 25 minutes.Copy !req
333. I got to hurry!Copy !req
334. I did it.Copy !req
335. I... am... God!Copy !req
336. Cartman!Copy !req
337. You fucking fat ass.Copy !req
338. How the hell did you get out?Copy !req
339. That kid and I had a long talk.Copy !req
340. I told him he was
on a slippery slopeCopy !req
341. to becoming a monster like you.Copy !req
342. Oh, God damn it,Copy !req
343. you gave him one of your gay
little speeches, didn't you?Copy !req
344. You are not killing
"Family Guy."Copy !req
345. You're too late, Kyle.Copy !req
346. The president of the network
is pulling the episode.Copy !req
347. "Family Guy" is as good as dead.Copy !req
348. There's still time to tell
the network presidentCopy !req
349. you're full of crap!Copy !req
350. I can't let you do that.Copy !req
351. Get out of my way
or I'll kick your ass!Copy !req
352. Fine, Kyle.Copy !req
353. I guess it was inevitable.Copy !req
354. Let this be our final battle.Copy !req
355. Aah!Copy !req
356. Ow. Ow!
Stop it!Copy !req
357. Kyle, that's too hard!
Ow!Copy !req
358. Kyle, stop it!Copy !req
359. Ow! Quit it!Copy !req
360. Quit it, Kyle!
Let — Kyle!Copy !req
361. - Stop it!
- Quit it!Copy !req
362. Quit it, Kyle!
Let — Kyle!Copy !req
363. Let — Okay, okay.
Time out!Copy !req
364. Time out! Kyle! Time out!
Time out! Time out!Copy !req
365. Time in!Copy !req
366. I — Ow!Copy !req
367. Okay, okay! Time out! Kyle!
Time out! Time out! Time out!Copy !req
368. - No more time-outs, fat-ass!
- Time out! Time out! Time out!Copy !req
369. Time out, Kyle.Copy !req
370. Kyle —Copy !req
371. Get the — Kyle.Copy !req
372. Kyle, dude, that was —
that was in the balls!Copy !req
373. Dude, seriously! Seriously!
That was in the balls!Copy !req
374. No hitting —
No hitting in the balls!Copy !req
375. Kyle.Copy !req
376. Let me up, Kyle!Copy !req
377. Let me up, Kyle!Copy !req
378. Okay.Copy !req
379. Stop it!
Okay, okay, okay!Copy !req
380. You win!Copy !req
381. You win.
I give up.Copy !req
382. Ha ha!
I had my fingers crossed.Copy !req
383. Thanks, kid.Copy !req
384. Network control,
this is the president.Copy !req
385. I want you to pull the episode.Copy !req
386. What?Copy !req
387. Mr. President, are you sure?Copy !req
388. I'm sure.Copy !req
389. Begin episode jettison sequence
0-2-900.Copy !req
390. Abort system initiated.Copy !req
391. Awaiting confirmation.Copy !req
392. Mr. President, we need
your final approval code.Copy !req
393. Presidential approval code
zero, zero, destruct—Copy !req
394. Sir! Mr. Television executive!
Stop!Copy !req
395. - Who are you?
- Listen to me.Copy !req
396. The little boy who convinced you
to pull the episodeCopy !req
397. is a bastard child.Copy !req
398. He only wants you to pull itCopy !req
399. because he knows it will be
the end of "Family Guy" forever.Copy !req
400. The end of "Family Guy"?Copy !req
401. Mr. President,
we need final authorization.Copy !req
402. Hold on, Julie.
What are you talking about, kid?Copy !req
403. Pulling an episode
because somebody is offendedCopy !req
404. starts a chain reaction.Copy !req
405. You'll have to pull
more and more episodesCopy !req
406. until the show goes off the air
completely.Copy !req
407. It's what happened
to "Laverne & Shirley"!Copy !req
408. You mean... the manatees aren't
trying to run the network?Copy !req
409. What manatees?Copy !req
410. Go ahead, Mr. President.
Continue what you were doing.Copy !req
411. No! You have to show Muhammad,
Mr. President!Copy !req
412. Mr. President,
we're awaiting your orders!Copy !req
413. Sir, just think about what
you're doing to free speech.Copy !req
414. No. Think about the people
who could get hurt!Copy !req
415. I-I don't know who to listen to!Copy !req
416. Okay.
I'll make it easy for you.Copy !req
417. Pull the Muhammad episode now!Copy !req
418. Okay. I'll listen to you.
Julie?Copy !req
419. No! Wait!
You can't listen to him!Copy !req
420. He's a lying, deceitful monsterCopy !req
421. who only wants "Family Guy"
off the air!Copy !req
422. But he has a gun.Copy !req
423. You can't do what he wantsCopy !req
424. just because he's the one
threatening you with violence!Copy !req
425. Shut up, Kyle!Copy !req
426. I can't be responsible
for people getting hurt.Copy !req
427. Especially me.Copy !req
428. Yes. People can get hurt.
That's how terrorism works.Copy !req
429. But if you give in to that,
Doug,Copy !req
430. you're allowing terrorism
to work.Copy !req
431. Do the right thing here.Copy !req
432. Give the orders to pull
the episode, Mr. President.Copy !req
433. I shouldn't even be
in the office still!Copy !req
434. It's supposed to be
half-day Fridays!Copy !req
435. Mr. President,
30 seconds to airtime.Copy !req
436. What do you want us to do?Copy !req
437. Do the right thing,
Mr. President.Copy !req
438. How about I allow the episode
to airCopy !req
439. but just censor out
the image of Muhammad again?Copy !req
440. I wish that was good enough.Copy !req
441. But if you censor out Muhammad,Copy !req
442. then soon you'll have to
censor out more.Copy !req
443. No gay speeches, Kyle!Copy !req
444. If you don't show Muhammad,
then you've made a distinctionCopy !req
445. between what is okay
to poke fun at and what isn't.Copy !req
446. Either it's all okay
or none of it is.Copy !req
447. Five seconds, Mr. President!Copy !req
448. Do the right thing.
Show Muhammad.Copy !req
449. Do the right thing.Copy !req
450. Mr. President,
we need a decision now!Copy !req
451. "Family Guy" goes on air
as planned, uncensored.Copy !req
452. - Yes!
- No!Copy !req
453. No!
I hate "Family Guy"!Copy !req
454. Air it!Copy !req
455. Peter, you got a pink slip
at work?Copy !req
456. You think that's bad?Copy !req
457. Remember the time I got
a salmon helmet from MuhammadCopy !req
458. while wearing a toga?Copy !req
459. Coming, Muhammad!Copy !req
460. Wow!
A salmon helmet!Copy !req
461. Thanks!Copy !req
462. Anyway, what were we
talking about?Copy !req
463. Oh, yeah.
My pink slip.Copy !req
464. Hey, that wasn't bad at all.Copy !req
465. They just showed Muhammad
standing there, looking normal!Copy !req
466. Mr. President, the terrorists
are retaliating!Copy !req
467. - What?
- Remember the time I —Copy !req
468. And as soon as the image
of Muhammad appeared,Copy !req
469. terrorist leader al-Zawahiri
announced the retaliation.Copy !req
470. Hello!
I am American!Copy !req
471. I am American, too!Copy !req
472. We like to crap on each other!Copy !req
473. Hello. I am the President Bush.
I will crap on both you.Copy !req
474. Oh!Copy !req
475. We love to crap!Copy !req
476. I'm American!Copy !req
477. I'm pregnant with a baby,
but I'm not married.Copy !req
478. Let's crap!Copy !req
479. Look at me.
I'm Jesus.Copy !req
480. Would you like for me
to crap on you, Mr. Bush?Copy !req
481. Mmm! Yummy, Yummy crap!Copy !req