South Park 10x13

Directed by Trey Parker

Last week, in an attempt to make his wait for the Wii instantaneous, Cartman froze himself. Through a bizarre twist of fate, he woke up 500 years in the future, where there are warring factions, some angry sea otters, and worst of all: No Nintendo Wii! Will Cartman get out of this crazy future? Or will he be doomed to never get his hands on the Wii?

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1. Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

2. The year is 2006,

3. and young Eric Cartman cannot wait

4. for the new Nintendo Wii to come out.

5. Unable to cope with the wait any longer,

6. Eric decides to freeze himself for three weeks.

7. But a freak avalanche makes Eric impossible to find,

8. and so he remains frozen for 500 years.

9. Whoa! Steady!

10. This way, otters!

11. This is it — New New Hampshire.

12. We have risked much bringing you here, time child.

13. Can it.

14. You otters may have evolved to the point you can talk,

15. but I don't need lectures.

16. Don't let the time child out of your sight.

17. He could try to run.

18. We have a deal, Blavius.

19. As long as I get what I want, you have nothing to worry about.

20. Something is spooking the ostriches.

21. Sure. This is monarch land now.

22. Probably jarvis probes everywhere.

23. Here it is! We have arrived!

24. Hold!

25. This is it, time child — the old Museum of Technology,

26. abandoned long ago.

27. Let's get what you want, time child, and get out of here.

28. Over here!

29. Yes! Here! I-It's here!

30. The Nintendo Wii.

31. I've waited so long for this.

32. All right, time child.

33. We've filled our side of the bargain.

34. Now return with us to Otter Bay.

35. Sorry, Blavius. I've got other plans.

36. No!

37. It was a trick!

38. Science damn you, time child!

39. I got it! I got the Wii!

40. Time child, you've returned!

41. We thought for sure you had died in the thobart plant!

42. Yeah. Lucky for me the otters believed I was on their side.

43. Do me a favor.

44. Next time I'm in a recessed biocave,

45. don't send me a level-two homing call.

46. T.C., wait!

47. Oh, I can't wait! This is gonna be so awesome!

48. Get out of my way!

49. You gained the otters' trust?

50. Were you wearing an information crystal?

51. Here.

52. Science be praised. This could end the war!

53. You've done a great thing, T.C. How can we repay you?

54. Just send a maintenance guy to my room!

55. I want this Nintendo hooked up to my float screen now!

56. Come on.

57. Come on!

58. Dude, what is taking so long? I want to play!

59. Uh, what kind of output does this have?

60. This is some ancient super-VHS output or something.

61. I can't connect it to your float screen.

62. There's got to be some way to hook it up!

63. It's the freakin' future!

64. It may be the future for you,

65. but I can't hook up anything to a float screen

66. without at least a laser-seven output.

67. You got to be me!

68. Science damn it!

69. I am so sick of the future!

70. T.C., what's wrong?

71. I'll tell you what's wrong.

72. I've been waiting 500 years to play the Nintendo Wii,

73. and if I don't get to play real soon, I'm gonna bust a nut!

74. Well, we're all glad you're back.

75. I know somebody who's missed you very much.

76. Come on in, K-10!

77. Bark, bark.

78. Hello, Eric. I have missed you.

79. Suck my balls, K-10. I'm not in the mood.

80. Fellow atheists, the time child has returned

81. with information on our sworn enemies,

82. the Allied Atheist Alliance!

83. They have started digging for clams in sector J-7.

84. If we mount an all-out attack,

85. we can wipe out their food supply!

86. But those are civilian otters.

87. We cannot tolerate the otters!

88. Their science is flawed!

89. Their answer to the great question is different from ours.

90. Yes, but sending out all our ships at the same time —

91. It would leave our city exposed.

92. That's why we have to be super-duper sure

93. that nobody finds out we're doing it.

94. The United Atheist Alliance

95. is about to send out all its defense ships

96. to take down the Allied Atheist Alliance's clam fields!

97. Praise science!

98. This is your chance, young Shpeck,

99. to avenge your father's death.

100. Careful, son.

101. Just because their science leads them to a different answer

102. to the great question

103. doesn't mean we have the right to kill them all.

104. No.

105. Our answer to the great question is the only logical one.

106. Our science is great.

107. Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins,

108. who finally freed the world of religion long ago.

109. Dawkins knew that logic and reason

110. were the way of the future.

111. But it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife

112. that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough.

113. You have to be a dick

114. to everyone who doesn't think like you.

115. Prepare all the troops.

116. We will level the United Atheist Alliance to the ground!

117. With new Glade monvert cleaner,

118. you can make your monvert sparkle like never before.

119. My monvert's never looked so clean!

120. God, I hate future TV. There's too many commercials!

121. Ugh. I'm so bored!

122. There's nothing to do!

123. Tell me about it.

124. Hey, I know!

125. Let's crank-call people in the past!

126. Huh?

127. I just got the Crank Prank Timephone!

128. New from Zasbro, it's Crank Prank Timephone!

129. I just dial a random number on the keypad,

130. enter a date and year on the divilibrator, and...

131. Wow! Someone from the past is on the line!

132. Hello. Is your refrigerator running?

133. Well, then you better go catch it!

134. What?

135. Uh, hi. It's the year 1973, right?

136. Could I speak with Al Coholic, please?

137. Crank Prank Timephone comes with divilibrator,

138. antimatter fusion cone,

139. and 30 Blaine H.F. Watt triggers.

140. Why didn't anyone tell me there was a timephone?

141. Why does it matter? Bark, bark.

142. Don't you see?

143. If I get one of those phones, I can call myself in the past

144. and tell me not to freeze myself!

145. Then I can go back to my time... and play Nintendo Wii.

146. Bark, bark! That phone is for crank-calling only.

147. Using it in the way you described is illegal.

148. I care! Where's the closest toy store?

149. Working. Bark, bark. The Jarvanian Shopping Complex.

150. But it is not open yet.

151. Come on.

152. Come on!

153. Store is now open. Welcome!

154. Ugh, finally!

155. Welcome to Zeebod's Toys.

156. I want one of those timephone things.

157. Ah. The Crank Prank Timephone. Sure.

158. Now, I am required by the state to make sure you know

159. this is for prank-calling the past only, right?

160. Yeah, yeah. I'm only gonna crank-call people.

161. All right. That'll be 6,000 credits.

162. 6,000 credits?

163. What do I look like to you, a therilium miner?

164. This is a pretty advanced piece of equipment.

165. It's expensive.

166. Look, I have to have one of those phones.

167. Oh, all right.

168. Then I have to have 6,000 credits.

169. Bark, bark. I'm sorry, Eric. Bark, bark.

170. How about a robot? How much for the robot?

171. - Aww. - Sorry, kid.

172. You're gonna have to crank-call people in the present.

173. Science damn it!

174. Wait. K-10.

175. Can you access this store's sales records?

176. Working. Bark, bark. Accessed.

177. I want the name and address of anybody

178. who's bought a timephone from this guy in the past week.

179. Working. Bark, bark.

180. The United Atheist Alliance has taken the bait!

181. Soon they will send their ships out

182. to destroy our decoy clam fields.

183. And while their ships are away,

184. the United Atheist League intends to attack them.

185. Our plan has worked perfectly,

186. for when the United Atheist League

187. attacks the United Atheist Alliance,

188. we will charge in and kill them all!

189. Our science, our answer to the great question shall prevail!

190. Hail science!

191. Hail science!

192. Hail science!

193. And I will personally kill the time child

194. and eat his entrails on my tummy!

195. I'll get it, darling.

196. Hello?

197. Hello?

198. Uh, yes. Hello. I'm calling for Mr. Wall.

199. I'm sorry. There's no Mr. Wall here.

200. Oh, is Mrs. Wall there?

201. No, there are no Walls here.

202. Then how does your roof stay up?

203. Oh, I see.

204. Is this the Johnson boys from down the street?

205. No. We're from the future!

206. Very funny!

207. Hi, I'm a pepper, and I'm wondering

208. if you'd like to be a pepper, too.

209. God darn you!

210. - Yeah! - That was a great one!

211. Hello. I'm with the cubic waste department.

212. I need to check your lortran for inhubitors.

213. Oh. Okay, I guess.

214. Come on in, Bob.

215. All right. Just let me use my tools.

216. Hey!

217. Stupid assholes!

218. Bark, bark!

219. Science H. Logic! What a jerk!

220. Silence, otters!

221. It's the wise one!

222. The wise one speaks!

223. This is not the path we should be taking.

224. Will more bloodshed end anything?

225. Wise one, our answer to the great question

226. is the only one based on good science!

227. Science. Reason.

228. Is that really all there is?

229. They are not a logical race, wise one!

230. They go around chopping down trees for tables

231. when they have perfectly good tummies to eat on!

232. How logical is that?

233. Yes!

234. The great Dawkins said we cannot tolerate those

235. who don't use reason!

236. How reasonable is it to eat off wood instead of your tummy?

237. Well, perhaps the great Dawkins wasn't so wise.

238. Oh, he was intelligent.

239. But some of the most intelligent otters I've ever known

240. were completely lacking in common sense.

241. Maybe some otters do need to believe in something.

242. Who knows?

243. Maybe just believing in God makes God exist.

244. Kill the wise one!

245. Kill the wise one!

246. What? No! Wait! Wait!

247. Oh, God.

248. Hello?

249. Hello?

250. - Am I there? - Who is this?

251. There! There! I have me! All right. All right. Listen.

252. Listen to me carefully. You need to be patient.

253. What? Who the hell is this?

254. It's me!

255. Me who?

256. Me you!

257. What?

258. I'm you in the future!

259. You have to be patient and wait

260. for the Nintendo Wii to come out,

261. or else you'll wake up in the future

262. and have to deal with a bunch of sea otters!

263. Oh, very funny, Kyle!

264. It's not Kyle! It's you!

265. Yeah? Well, you can go yourself.

266. I'm trying to do you a favor, dumb-ass!

267. Just listen to me!

268. Listen to this!

269. Dickhead.

270. What an asshole!

271. Hello?

272. Butters! Butters!

273. Eric? Is that you?

274. Butters! Butters, listen to me!

275. J-Just listen.

276. I'm about to come over to your house

277. and ask you to help me freeze myself.

278. Do not do it!

279. Eric, are you playing a joke on me again?

280. No! This is not a joke!

281. Whatever I say to you, Butters, no matter how hard I try,

282. do not do what I tell you.

283. But — But you're here right now!

284. Butters! Come on! We got to go!

285. No! Don't listen to me! Tell me to go screw myself!

286. Huh?

287. Come on, Butters! It's gonna get dark!

288. But you're telling me not to go with you.

289. What?

290. Who the is this?

291. Aw, damn it. Just listen to me!

292. If you freeze yourself, you are going to die!

293. Suck my balls!

294. No, you suck my balls!

295. Just listen to me for one minute!

296. Okay. You have one minute.

297. Right before you left for Butters' house,

298. you drank a bunch of Ovaltine and put Clyde Frog in the closet

299. so nothing would happen to him, right?

300. Are you spying on me?

301. No, I am you, you stupid asshole!

302. - you, asshole. - You can go yourself.

303. Come on, Butters. We're going.

304. Oh, all right, then.

305. God, I hate that guy!

306. My friends, the time has come.

307. May science give us the courage to do what we must.

308. Launch all defensive ships to sector J-7.

309. Take out the otters' clam fields!

310. Sir, the United Atheist Alliance has sent out all their ships.

311. Their capital is now unprotected.

312. Then begin the attack. Science be praised.

313. Kill the table-eaters in the name of almighty science!

314. Hello?

315. Hello? Kyle?

316. Hello?

317. Yes. Hello, Kyle.

318. It's Eric. Uh, how's it going?

319. What do you want?

320. Kyle, you are the smartest guy I know,

321. so I think maybe you're the only person

322. who can understand this.

323. You know how earlier today,

324. I asked you to help me freeze myself?

325. I'm not going to help you freeze yourself, Cartman.

326. It's a stupid idea.

327. No, see, I know it's a stupid idea,

328. because I actually did freeze myself.

329. And you were right, Kyle.

330. It — It backfired, and I was frozen for 500 years,

331. and now I'm calling you from the future.

332. Uh-huh.

333. No, really, Kyle, I'm — I'm seriously.

334. Here. Talk to my robot dog.

335. Bark, bark. Hello, Kyle. Bark, bark.

336. I'm hanging up now.

337. No! Kyle, listen, please!

338. I think right about now, I'm in my mom's freezer.

339. Suck my balls, fat-ass.

340. I will. I will suck your balls, Kyle.

341. Just stop me from freezing myself,

342. and I will get down on my knees, and I will suck your balls.

343. I'll suck 'em dry, Kyle.

344. Aw, God damn it!

345. Now you've made me miss my ride!

346. My whole day is screwed up because of you!

347. Kyle!

348. Kyle!

349. Eric, I really think you should stop calling the past.

350. You could change the present.

351. Well, I don't notice anything different, Kit-9, do you?

352. I guess not. Meow, meow.

353. Hmm. I see.

354. - Ugh! - Meow, meow!

355. - Aah! - Meow, meow!

356. - Aah! - Meow, meow!

357. - T.C., we're under attack! - By who?

358. We have to get to the war room! It's the only safe place!

359. The United Atheist League is bombing the city!

360. We're defenseless!

361. This is terrible!

362. I'm gonna die in the future

363. without ever playing Nintendo Wii?

364. Sir, the sea otters are advancing.

365. They've broken through the east portal!

366. What? Three-way fun-chat on screen!

367. What are you otters doing? This is our attack!

368. Yes, and we are attacking both of you!

369. You fools! This will be the end of us all!

370. Then accept our answer to the great question,

371. and we will withdraw!

372. Your answer to the great question is illogical!

373. What is the great question?

374. What atheists should call themselves.

375. Unified Atheist League is the most logical name!

376. United Atheist Alliance makes more sense!

377. No! Allied Atheist Alliance!

378. That way it has three A's!

379. That is the logical choice!

380. So be it. We cannot agree.

381. Prepare to die.

382. Virad missiles launched, sir!

383. I have to get out of here!

384. Why is everyone in my past so stupid

385. that they think I'm crank-calling them?

386. But, Eric, meow, meow,

387. you knew the wife of the smartest man in all of history.

388. Who?

389. Your teacher, the one called Garrison.

390. Garrison? But he's an asshole!

391. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm a monkey!

392. Give this monkey what she wants!

393. Oh, Ms. Garrison!

394. Damn it!

395. Who the hell is calling?

396. I'll tell them to call you back.

397. Garrison residence. Can you call back later, please?

398. It's an emergency! It's an emergency!

399. An emergency?

400. I need to speak with Mr. Garrison right now!

401. I'm sorry, but Mr. Garrison has passed away.

402. Mrs. Garrison is the only person here,

403. and she's rather tied up at the moment.

404. Look, asshole! This is a real emergency!

405. Just pass the phone to whatever Garrison

406. wants to call himself since the sex-change operation!

407. Sex-change operation?

408. Uh-oh.

409. Ohh! You're a man?

410. Not anymore! I've been fixed!

411. Richard, hold on! I can explain!

412. Explain? How could I be so stupid?

413. Richard, come back, please!

414. Well, go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot!

415. Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer!

416. Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison?

417. All right, Eric. Are you all set to go?

418. Go?

419. Right. Where am I going?

420. We told you.

421. We're sending you home

422. with the Crank-'n'-Wank Time Machine.

423. Don't worry, my son.

424. When you return to your time,

425. you will merge with your other self.

426. It's all very Zen.

427. Wait.

428. Isn't everybody at war over atheism?

429. Atheism? No.

430. We've learned to get rid of all the isms in our time.

431. Yes, long ago we realized

432. isms are great for those who are rational.

433. But in the hands of irrational people,

434. isms always lead to violence.

435. So there is no war now in the future?

436. Of course there's war!

437. The stupid French-Chinese think they have a right to Hawaii!

438. Yeah!

439. But now the moment has come to send you back to your time.

440. We unfroze you for a purpose,

441. and now that purpose is fulfilled.

442. And what was that purpose again?

443. We explained that to you already.

444. Right.

445. Goodbye, Eric. I will miss you. Squawk, squawk.

446. I'll miss you, too, Cocka-3.

447. So long, Eric, and tell everyone in the past for us

448. that no one single answer is ever the answer.

449. Hey!

450. I'm back.

451. Wow! I'm back!

452. There you are, Eric!

453. Mom! Mom, they did it!

454. Eric, you have to come home.

455. You can't just wait here for that game to come out.

456. No, I know. You're right, Mom.

457. I need to learn to be patient.

458. I think I can wait three weeks for Nintendo Wii to come out.

459. But, honey, it's only September.

460. The Nintendo Wii doesn't come out for two months.

461. What?

462. No!

463. No!

464. You sent me back too far!

465. Hey! Do it over!

466. Who are you talking to, muffin?

467. I can't wait two months! I can't!

468. There has to be a way around this!

469. Hey, kid, somebody's on the phone for you.

470. Hello?

471. Hello? Hello?

472. I know what you're thinking. Do not do it!

473. You just need to be patient and wait the two months!

474. Do you hear me?

475. Oh, suck my balls, Kyle.