1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
2. And so then I put my finger
up my butthole, right?Copy !req
3. And I walked up to Kelly Nelson,Copy !req
4. and I said,
"Do you smell lemongrass?"Copy !req
5. And she smelled my finger
and puked!Copy !req
6. Oh, God.
You should have been there.Copy !req
7. Eric, I have to take you
to the principal's office.Copy !req
8. What?Copy !req
9. I didn't do it.
Kelly Nelson's a liar!Copy !req
10. I've been instructed to bring
you to the principal's office.Copy !req
11. Oh, suck my balls,
you ginger Jew-rat hall monitor.Copy !req
12. Punk-ass stoolie.Copy !req
13. Who the
do you think you are?Copy !req
14. I'm just doing my job.Copy !req
15. "I'm just da-da-da-da!"Copy !req
16. You know why you're
a hallway monitor?Copy !req
17. Because you don't have
any friends.Copy !req
18. You should kill yourself.
You should kill yourself!Copy !req
19. Eric Cartman,Copy !req
20. report to the principal's office
immediately.Copy !req
21. Aw, God damn it!Copy !req
22. Come on in, Eric.Copy !req
23. I'm sorry, Principal Victoria.
I didn't mean to do it.Copy !req
24. How could I have been
so foolish?Copy !req
25. Eric, the reason
we called you in hereCopy !req
26. is because it is your turn to be
the school hallway monitor.Copy !req
27. The hall monit— Me?Copy !req
28. You need to watch
for bad behaviorCopy !req
29. and make sure anyone
in the halls during classCopy !req
30. has a hall pass, m'kay?Copy !req
31. If anyone doesn't, you have the
authority to bring them to me.Copy !req
32. Auth...
Authoritah?Copy !req
33. Now, Eric,
being the school hallway monitorCopy !req
34. is a big responsibility, m'kay?Copy !req
35. It is important
that you take the job seriouslyCopy !req
36. and that you don't abuse
the power.Copy !req
37. Me?Copy !req
38. Hey, kid, get out of there.Copy !req
39. That's cool.Copy !req
40. I'm done making my video
anyways.Copy !req
41. Hall pass!
Show me your hall pass!Copy !req
42. What?Copy !req
43. You know what this is?Copy !req
44. This is the mace
that they use on bears, faggot!Copy !req
45. Now, let me see your hall pass!Copy !req
46. It's right here!Copy !req
47. All right. Cool, brah.
Go with Christ.Copy !req
48. What? You can't just push me
up against the —Copy !req
49. - Aah!
- Aah!Copy !req
50. Oh, my God.Copy !req
51. What the is this?Copy !req
52. And so this shape
with four sides is what, class?Copy !req
53. Kwhyah!Copy !req
54. Ike Broflovski?
You littering my hallway, brah?Copy !req
55. What are you doing?Copy !req
56. I found this in the hallway.Copy !req
57. Apparently, your student Ike
has a crush on you.Copy !req
58. You got a crush
on your teacher, brah?Copy !req
59. Keep it out of my hallway.Copy !req
60. Go with Christ.Copy !req
61. Here you go.Copy !req
62. I don't think
that's really necessary.Copy !req
63. Hey, I don't tell you
how to run your class.Copy !req
64. Don't tell me how to run
my hallway.Copy !req
65. That's enough, class.Copy !req
66. Okay. We'll see you tomorrow,
everybody.Copy !req
67. Ike, could you stay
just a few minutes, please?Copy !req
68. Ike, I'm very flattered
by all of your love notes,Copy !req
69. but I need to be clear.Copy !req
70. There have been a lot of female
teachers on the news latelyCopy !req
71. who have been having
relationshipsCopy !req
72. with young male students, and...
people might get the wrong idea.Copy !req
73. Even though I do admire you.Copy !req
74. You are so smart and gifted,
so mature for your age.Copy !req
75. I don't like medicine.Copy !req
76. You listen and you really care
about what I have to say.Copy !req
77. You make me feel things
I've never felt before.Copy !req
78. Ike, this is crazy.Copy !req
79. I'm your teacher.Copy !req
80. How can we be having
these feelings for each other?Copy !req
81. You're so mysterious.Copy !req
82. And I can't...Copy !req
83. And I can't...Copy !req
84. That was unbelievable.Copy !req
85. I've never felt
like such a woman before.Copy !req
86. They'll say our love is wrong.Copy !req
87. But we can't let anybody know.
They'll never understand.Copy !req
88. We were meant to be.
I know it.Copy !req
89. How else could sex be
that incredible?Copy !req
90. Ike made a no-no.Copy !req
91. Hands!Copy !req
92. - Let me see those hands!
- Aah!Copy !req
93. Where's your pass?
Show me your hall pass, brah!Copy !req
94. It's — It's — I just had it!Copy !req
95. I knew it!Copy !req
96. Look, brah,
I had to bring you in,Copy !req
97. but I don't have any hard
feelings against you, all right?Copy !req
98. - Huh?
- Here. You need a smoke, brah?Copy !req
99. Uh, okay.Copy !req
100. You got to give yourself over
to Christ, brah.Copy !req
101. I do?Copy !req
102. Jesus is Lord.Copy !req
103. You can go one direction
in life,Copy !req
104. where you just walk around
hallways without a hall pass,Copy !req
105. or you can see the light, brah.Copy !req
106. Kyle, I need you to go get
your brotherCopy !req
107. - over at his teacher's house.
- Huh?Copy !req
108. Tell his teacher I'm sorry,Copy !req
109. but I forgot that he has
a doctor's appointment today.Copy !req
110. What's he doing
at his teacher's house?Copy !req
111. He's been going there in the
afternoons for private tutoring.Copy !req
112. Excuse me?Copy !req
113. I'm here to pick up Ike.Copy !req
114. Uh, hello?
Is Ike here?Copy !req
115. Oh, God! I'm sorry!Copy !req
116. I didn't mean to —
I-I was looking for my brother!Copy !req
117. Ike?Copy !req
118. What the hell is going on?Copy !req
119. Oh, what's the use, Ike?
We're caught.Copy !req
120. Hold on. Please!
You don't understand!Copy !req
121. Really?
What's there not to understand?Copy !req
122. Your brother and I...
are in love.Copy !req
123. He's a little young,
don't you think?Copy !req
124. Oh!Copy !req
125. Ike is very mature for his age,
and you know it.Copy !req
126. Ring around the rosie!Copy !req
127. He makes me feel
like nobody else does.Copy !req
128. He loves me and only me.Copy !req
129. And I know I am a goddess
to him.Copy !req
130. When we make love,
he can give it to me hardCopy !req
131. - or soft and gentle —
- All right!Copy !req
132. We're getting
the hell out of here.Copy !req
133. Lo-la-Io-la-nah.Copy !req
134. Ike, you can't possibly
want this.Copy !req
135. We have to tell Mom.Copy !req
136. Ike!Copy !req
137. Is it so hard to believe
that true love exists?Copy !req
138. This is nuts.Copy !req
139. Mom, Dad, have you ever met
Ike's kindergarten teacher?Copy !req
140. Miss Stevenson?
Yes. She's very nice.Copy !req
141. Yeah.
Well, she likes Ike a whole lot.Copy !req
142. That's great.Copy !req
143. Yeah, except it's maybe
not perfectly great,Copy !req
144. because to some degree, Ike
and Miss Stevenson are having —Copy !req
145. Spider-man!Copy !req
146. I'm spaceman!Copy !req
147. Yes, Ike.
You like Spider-man, don't you?Copy !req
148. Mom, there might be something
that you should look intoCopy !req
149. about Ike staying after school
all the time —Copy !req
150. Waah!
Punkin.Copy !req
151. Mommy, I love you.
I love you.Copy !req
152. Mommy loves you, too, sweetie.Copy !req
153. Would you excuse us
for a second?Copy !req
154. You can't just expect me
to sit there and say nothing.Copy !req
155. No, Ike. I'm supposed to be
looking out for you — What?Copy !req
156. I wasn't gonna just
blurt it out.Copy !req
157. I was gonna use some tact, but
you won't even let me — what?Copy !req
158. Nuh-unh!
That's not fair, Ike.Copy !req
159. Mom, I think maybe
you should talk to IkeCopy !req
160. about love and sex.Copy !req
161. Sex? Oh, boubbie,
Ike is much too young.Copy !req
162. - You're so full of crap, Foley.
- What?Copy !req
163. I did shoot him in the face —
twice!Copy !req
164. Ex— Excuse me?Copy !req
165. My name is... Brad.Copy !req
166. And I-I need to report
a crime — anonymously.Copy !req
167. Oh?
What's the crime?Copy !req
168. Well, I attend
South Park Elementary,Copy !req
169. a-and one of the teachers
is having sex with a student.Copy !req
170. - Oh, my God!
- Get a name!Copy !req
171. - Did you hear what he said?
- This is terrible.Copy !req
172. Y-You did the right thing
telling the police, Brad.Copy !req
173. Now, who is the teacher?
What's his name?Copy !req
174. Well, it isn't a guy teacher.
It's a woman.Copy !req
175. - A woman?
- Yeah.Copy !req
176. She's having sex with a boy.Copy !req
177. Oh, but —
but she's ugly, right?Copy !req
178. Well, no, not really.Copy !req
179. It's the kindergarten teacher,
Miss Stevenson.Copy !req
180. - The blonde?
- Yeah.Copy !req
181. Some young boy is having sex
with Miss Stevenson?Copy !req
182. Yes.Copy !req
183. Nice.Copy !req
184. Nice.Copy !req
185. What?
No. You don't understand —Copy !req
186. You sure they've had sex?Copy !req
187. Yeah.Copy !req
188. Has she performed oral sex
on him?Copy !req
189. I think so.Copy !req
190. Nice.Copy !req
191. Nice.Copy !req
192. Nice.Copy !req
193. So wait.
W-What's the crime?Copy !req
194. The crime is she isn't doing it
with me.Copy !req
195. Hey!
He's totally underage!Copy !req
196. She's taking advantage of him!Copy !req
197. You're right. We're sorry.
This is serious.Copy !req
198. We need to track
this student downCopy !req
199. and give him his Luckiest Boy
in America medal right away.Copy !req
200. Aah!Copy !req
201. Guys, can I talk to you?Copy !req
202. Sure, dude.Copy !req
203. I need you to keep quiet
about this, all right?Copy !req
204. My little brother and his te—Copy !req
205. Brahs, it's almost class time,Copy !req
206. I need you to start clearing
the hallways, all right?Copy !req
207. Not now, Cartman.
I have really serious problems.Copy !req
208. Dude, what's the matter?Copy !req
209. The kindergarten teacher
is having sexCopy !req
210. with my little brother.Copy !req
211. - Wow.
- Mrph?Copy !req
212. Damn, brah. Your little brother
is pretty cool.Copy !req
213. It's not cool.Copy !req
214. Ike isn't old enough
to understand!Copy !req
215. What's to understand?Copy !req
216. You get a boner,
slap her titties around some,Copy !req
217. and then stick it inside her
and pee.Copy !req
218. "Stick it inside her and pee."Copy !req
219. Well, okay. Fine. Unless you
don't want to get her pregnant.Copy !req
220. Then you pull it out
and pee on her leg.Copy !req
221. Dude, I really don't see
a problem.Copy !req
222. Yeah, I've got bigger things
to deal with.Copy !req
223. You guys don't understand!Copy !req
224. His wacko teacher
is like a schoolgirl.Copy !req
225. They pass notes to each other
in the classroom.Copy !req
226. They have sex at her house
over lunch break,Copy !req
227. and during class they sneak out
and kiss in the hallways!Copy !req
228. They what?Copy !req
229. They sneak out during class
and make out in the hallways.Copy !req
230. Hang on a second.Copy !req
231. Making out in the hallways is
strictly against school policy.Copy !req
232. - Well, they're doing it.
- Yeah. Well, now it's personal.Copy !req
233. The hallways
are my jurisdiction.Copy !req
234. If there's a hallway infraction
going on,Copy !req
235. they're gonna have to deal with
The Dawg.Copy !req
236. Okay. Just continue
with your macaroni pictures.Copy !req
237. Teacher has to step out
for a second.Copy !req
238. Uh, Ike,
could you help me out, please?Copy !req
239. Oh, Ike.Copy !req
240. I just had to have
a second alone with you.Copy !req
241. I like baba better.Copy !req
242. I got your love letter,
and I wrote you one back.Copy !req
243. Oh, just one kiss to hold me
over for the rest of class.Copy !req
244. Hall infraction!Copy !req
245. Oh, uh, we were just
heading back in.Copy !req
246. You got a hall pass, brah?Copy !req
247. I don't need a hall pass.
I'm a teacher.Copy !req
248. Yeah?
Well, where's his hall pass?Copy !req
249. Look.
Just let us get back in —Copy !req
250. Get down on the floor!Copy !req
251. We're going back inside!Copy !req
252. You like bear mace, ice head?Copy !req
253. Bear mace?Copy !req
254. You're going with Christ!Copy !req
255. Aah!Copy !req
256. And that's what I got,
principal brah.Copy !req
257. These two were in the hallways,
making out.Copy !req
258. She had those love letters
on her person.Copy !req
259. "Ike, I long to feel
your arms around me"?Copy !req
260. Miss Stevenson,Copy !req
261. y-you're having a relationship
with this student?Copy !req
262. Yes. During class time,
without a hall pass.Copy !req
263. This is unbelievable.Copy !req
264. I know. It's like a hall pass
doesn't even matter to her.Copy !req
265. Miss Stevenson, I will need to
inform the police.Copy !req
266. Oh, God.Copy !req
267. You just dealt with The Dawg,
bitch.Copy !req
268. Sorry we have to do this,
but the lady principal insisted.Copy !req
269. What's going on?Copy !req
270. The kindergarten teacher
is suspected of having sexCopy !req
271. with a student.Copy !req
272. With a student?Copy !req
273. But... she's a woman.Copy !req
274. Yeah.
I know.Copy !req
275. But... she's hot.Copy !req
276. Wow.
I think I owe you one, Cartman.Copy !req
277. You don't owe me anything.
My hallways are clean.Copy !req
278. Ike, I didn't tell on you.Copy !req
279. You got busted
by the hallway monitor.Copy !req
280. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
281. I did have something
to do with it.Copy !req
282. But someday you're gonna realize
it was for the best.Copy !req
283. You are dead to me.Copy !req
284. What?Copy !req
285. I said you're dead to me.Copy !req
286. I'm dead to you?Copy !req
287. You're dead to me, Kyle.Copy !req
288. I'm at the police station.Copy !req
289. They say they found
some evidence.Copy !req
290. I'm so scared!Copy !req
291. Listen.
I want you to know it's okay.Copy !req
292. If anybody tries to talk to you,
you don't need to say anything.Copy !req
293. Just leave it to me.
I know a way out of this.Copy !req
294. Tom, an elementary school
teacher is under arrestCopy !req
295. for allegedly having an affair
with one of her young students.Copy !req
296. The case is shocking
due mostly to the factCopy !req
297. that the teacher is pretty hot,
Tom.Copy !req
298. If the accusations are true,
then...Copy !req
299. Damn.Copy !req
300. Uh, it looks like the defendant
and her lawyerCopy !req
301. are about to give a statement,
Tom.Copy !req
302. I am deeply sorry to announceCopy !req
303. that the allegations against me
are true.Copy !req
304. Over the past several weeks,Copy !req
305. I have been having
physical relationsCopy !req
306. with one of my students.Copy !req
307. Nice.Copy !req
308. Nice.Copy !req
309. I know my actions were wrong,
but I can not be fully to blame.Copy !req
310. You see... I am an alcoholic.Copy !req
311. Ohh.Copy !req
312. Yes, I'm afraid it's true.Copy !req
313. - Oh, no!
- What?Copy !req
314. I don't believe it.Copy !req
315. She's using
the Mel Gibson defense.Copy !req
316. I am a perfectly good person,
but when I drinkCopy !req
317. the alcohol makes me say and do
things I wouldn't normally do.Copy !req
318. Well, that explains it.Copy !req
319. Do we still press charges?Copy !req
320. Who are we gonna convict —
Johnnie Walker?Copy !req
321. Poor woman.
She's a victim.Copy !req
322. Yeah.
She's a hot victim.Copy !req
323. My client has agreed to check
herself into rehab immediately.Copy !req
324. - Yeah!
- Good luck, ma'am!Copy !req
325. You can beat your alcoholism!Copy !req
326. Alcohol is a crutch, which we
use to medicate ourselves,Copy !req
327. to — to cover up
emotional baggage from our past.Copy !req
328. Was there ever a history
of sexual abuse in your family?Copy !req
329. No, but my Uncle used to ask me
and my twin sister to kissCopy !req
330. and he'd take pictures.Copy !req
331. Nice.Copy !req
332. Congratulations, Miss Stevenson.Copy !req
333. All better now!Copy !req
334. Ike!Copy !req
335. Miss Stevenson!Copy !req
336. Ike, we have to get out of here.Copy !req
337. They'll never
let us be together.Copy !req
338. I think...
I think we should go to Milan,Copy !req
339. like we always talked about.Copy !req
340. Yay!
Milan!Copy !req
341. Get your things together.
We don't have much time.Copy !req
342. Ike, you okay?Copy !req
343. Ike?Copy !req
344. Ike!Copy !req
345. Are you sure you're not lying,
Foley?Copy !req
346. No!
Really!Copy !req
347. I shot both of them!
They weren't even doin' nothing!Copy !req
348. Help! Please!
I need your help!Copy !req
349. That teacher, Miss Stevenson,Copy !req
350. she —
she's left town with my son!Copy !req
351. I got a note saying
they're going to Milan!Copy !req
352. You're kidding.Copy !req
353. - No! It's true!
- Damn it!Copy !req
354. Where were all these sexed-up
teachers when I was a kid?Copy !req
355. This is serious!Copy !req
356. Yeah. A boy is going to Milan
with a beautiful older woman.Copy !req
357. Quick.
Call the FBI.Copy !req
358. Are you going to do nothing?Copy !req
359. All right. All right.
We'll make a report.Copy !req
360. Jesus.Copy !req
361. There you are.
What are doing?Copy !req
362. You giving up, brah?Copy !req
363. Dude, my brother's in Milan.
There's nothing I can do.Copy !req
364. No.
They haven't left yet.Copy !req
365. Their flight
is tomorrow morning.Copy !req
366. How do you know that?Copy !req
367. I had Beth check out
their Travelocity account.Copy !req
368. - Who's Beth?
- Beth is my bitch.Copy !req
369. I've put a whole crew together,
brah.Copy !req
370. I'm gonna get that
hallway-defiling slutCopy !req
371. no matter what it takes.Copy !req
372. Are you in?Copy !req
373. Think you can get away
with not having a hall pass?Copy !req
374. Think again.Copy !req
375. How was that, Butters?Copy !req
376. That was pretty good!Copy !req
377. Can we get going now, please?Copy !req
378. Yep.
We're all done with the video.Copy !req
379. Let's move out!Copy !req
380. Ike, is that all you're gonna do
is watch TV?Copy !req
381. I love TV.
Yay!Copy !req
382. But what about me?Copy !req
383. I want to talk.Copy !req
384. Everyone get a good look
at our fugitive.Copy !req
385. I want her taken down fast
and clean.Copy !req
386. She ran away.Copy !req
387. Now she got to deal with
The Dawg, huh?Copy !req
388. Beth found out they have a room
at the Airport Hilton.Copy !req
389. We need to search it.Copy !req
390. Here's the hotel!Copy !req
391. Beth, tell Leeroy
to pull up here.Copy !req
392. All right! Let's go!
Move out!Copy !req
393. Hey. You can't leave
your car there.Copy !req
394. It's okay.
I'm a hallway monitor.Copy !req
395. Keep separation.
Leeroy, check out our 20.Copy !req
396. Can I help you?Copy !req
397. You seen this woman, brah?
She's staying here.Copy !req
398. Who are you?Copy !req
399. I think you should leave
before I call the police.Copy !req
400. Beth, bear-mace that guy!Copy !req
401. Aah!Copy !req
402. Let's check out the rooms!Copy !req
403. Leeroy and Kyle, go that way!
Beth, you come with me!Copy !req
404. We need police here right away!Copy !req
405. Yes?Copy !req
406. I'm looking for this teacher.
She in your room, brah?Copy !req
407. Do you mind keeping it down?Copy !req
408. Keep your mouth shut, brah!Copy !req
409. Oh, no.
Ike, they're onto us!Copy !req
410. Oh, no!Copy !req
411. Hurry, darling.
We have to get out of here.Copy !req
412. What have we got?
What have we got?Copy !req
413. - Who called 911?
- They went that way!Copy !req
414. Look out!
They have bear mace!Copy !req
415. Open up!
I'm with The Dawg!Copy !req
416. Oh, crap!Copy !req
417. You freeze right there!Copy !req
418. Come on, darling.Copy !req
419. Hey!Copy !req
420. I got 'em, Dawg.
Fifth floor.Copy !req
421. Praise Christ!
Let's go!Copy !req
422. Ike, run!Copy !req
423. Beth, bear-mace that guy!
And that guy!Copy !req
424. - Aah!
- Aah! Aah!Copy !req
425. Freeze, bitch!Copy !req
426. - Freeze!
- Hands up! Hands up!Copy !req
427. Don't move!
Don't move!Copy !req
428. It's all right.
There's been a misunderstanding.Copy !req
429. I'm a hall monitor.Copy !req
430. This fugitive is trying to avoid
a hallway infractionCopy !req
431. by skipping off to Milan.Copy !req
432. Hey, that is the teacher
we just got the report about.Copy !req
433. All right, Miss Stevenson.
You've got nowhere to go.Copy !req
434. Why couldn't you
just leave us alone?Copy !req
435. - All we wanted was to love.
- Get down!Copy !req
436. We can do this the easy way
or we can do it Dawg style.Copy !req
437. She got a scarf on her head,
huh?Copy !req
438. It's all over, Ike —
Milan, the house in Tuscany.Copy !req
439. They'll never let us
be together.Copy !req
440. We have to go
with the backup plan.Copy !req
441. Now, hold on.
Don't do anything foolish.Copy !req
442. We can talk about this.Copy !req
443. You can't accept our love,Copy !req
444. so then we can only be together
in eternity.Copy !req
445. No!
Ike, don't do it.Copy !req
446. Dinosaur funny bad bad.Copy !req
447. Ike, please.Copy !req
448. I know your first love
seems like the only love.Copy !req
449. But trust me, it's not.Copy !req
450. You have so much life
ahead of you.Copy !req
451. You, who don't believe
in true love, don't understand.Copy !req
452. Ike, you need to have a life.Copy !req
453. Have fun.Copy !req
454. Then ruin it by having
a serious relationship.Copy !req
455. I'm afraid you're too late.Copy !req
456. Are you ready, my love?
Here we go.Copy !req
457. One! Two! Three!Copy !req
458. Aah!Copy !req
459. Ike?Copy !req
460. Yay!Copy !req
461. Ike!Copy !req
462. Well, looks like once again
The Dawg has prevailed.Copy !req
463. I hope you've learned, kids,Copy !req
464. that if you don't go
with Christ,Copy !req
465. you could end up
just like that splattered bitchCopy !req
466. down on the pavement.Copy !req
467. Hey, kid, you need to
get off the roof now.Copy !req
468. That's cool. I'm done making
my video anyways.Copy !req