Something Very Bad Is Going to Happen 1x6

1. With this ring I thee wed With all my worldly goods I thee endow…

2. Nell.

3. Nell.

4. What? Fucking…

5. I need a favor.

6. It's illegal and weird, and you can't ask me any questions.

7. Let me get dressed.

8. With this ring I thee wed With all my worldly goods I thee endow

9. To love and to cherish According to God's holy ordinance

10. You have declared your consent

11. May the Lord fill you both With blessings

12. From this day forward For better, for worse

13. Until death do us part

14. Rachel?

15. You have declared your consent

16. May the Lord fill you both With blessings

17. From this day forward For better, for worse

18. Until death do us part

19. With this ring I thee wed With all my worldly goods…

20. The county clerk?

21. I assumed I was helping you run away

22. or fake your own death or something interesting.

23. I said no questions, please.

24. You didn't say please.

25. It's a Saturday. It's closed.

26. Well, I have a key.

27. Why do you have a key?

28. I can't believe we're doing this.

29. After you.

30. Do you wanna get arrested?

31. There are easier ways to leave someone at the altar.

32. Like just leaving.

33. Uh…

34. So, like I said,

35. I'm going to die tomorrow unless Nicky is my soulmate,

36. and right now I'm not so sure about that.

37. So I realized that if the curse spread

38. to my great-great-great grandmother over 100 years ago,

39. my bloodline would've died out after two generations,

40. but it didn't because I'm here,

41. which means that some of them survived,

42. some of them found their soulmates and married them,

43. or… …I don't know, found another way.

44. Okay, so, what?

45. I need to find out how.

46. If we can figure out who my mom's parents were,

47. then we can track the curse back and…

48. Now I have a key.

49. It's still breaking and entering if you steal a key.

50. Portia's gonna kill us, you know, if we're late for the bachelorette party.

51. - Do you wanna know the theme? - Uh, I'm sure I don't.

52. I should have her cancel the stripper.

53. God, please tell me you're kidding.

54. I'm kidding.

55. Nothing could make her cancel the stripper.

56. Fuck.

57. Okay, first we need to find my parents' marriage license.

58. Uh, court, court, court, court, court. Deaths, deaths. Births.

59. Marriages.

60. Uh, Alexandra Harkin and Jay Holman.

61. They were married January 13th, 1997. This is 2013…

62. There are literally tens of thousands of documents in here.

63. Well, better get to work unless you want to miss the stripper.

64. She will seriously kill us.

65. Just tell her we're getting manicures or something.

66. - Mm-hmm. - Okay.

67. All right.

68. Rachel?

69. Uh…

70. Hey, Dad.

71. What are you doing?

72. - Trapping foxes. - Oh.

73. I don't think there's any in here.

74. I am glad to see that your sense of humor has not run off with your fiancée.

75. She left? Where… do you know where she went?

76. Nope. She didn't have much with her, so I… I think she plans on coming back.

77. That's great, Dad. Thank you.

78. Very comforting.

79. Say, that was a really interesting speech she made last night.

80. I don't want to talk about it, okay?

81. I fucked up, and I'm trying to fix it.

82. Mmm. At least she's with Nellie. Nellie will talk some sense into her.

83. Oh, you think my ex-girlfriend is gonna convince my fiancée

84. that I'm not a lying piece of shit?

85. What if there's someone else who's 5% more compatible for me

86. and someone else who's 5% more compatible for him?

87. How would either of us ever know that?

88. I mean, I guess I would know if I fucking die at the altar.

89. I think you're overcomplicating it.

90. Oh. Okay, then, simplify it, please.

91. No, look, I know— I just mean that it's all subjective, isn't it?

92. There are no signs from the universe.

93. It's just you taking something that happened

94. and then deciding which details are important and which ones aren't

95. and then deciding what it means.

96. There's no cosmic assurance that your marriage is gonna work out.

97. Come on, come on.

98. Go change your clothes. I wanna get the traps set before it gets too late.

99. Oh, you… you want me to come with you?

100. Of course! You used to love fox trapping.

101. I don't know if I loved it.

102. Besides, it's… it's great to get out in nature.

103. It was good for me when I was in the "woods," as it were.

104. Right. Uh, you know, Dad, nowadays, when you upset the person you love,

105. you don't disappear on a hunting trip.

106. You talk it out.

107. The person you are trying to reach is unavailable.

108. You know, son, something I've learned in my storied years of marriage

109. is that you can't talk it out if she doesn't answer the phone.

110. Get your shit.

111. - Hey. Happy bachelor party. - Oh, you're coming.

112. Hey, look at this!

113. The Cunningham men all together again.

114. - I'm sorry, Dad. I can't do this with him. - Come on.

115. What you did yesterday was fucked-up. You ruined my wedding.

116. That's dramatic. I was trying to help her.

117. By making her second-guess our relationship

118. two days before we get married? Huge help.

119. - I didn't make her do anything. - Come on.

120. I was trying to open her eyes so she could judge

121. if you're her true soulmate or not.

122. No one asked you to do that.

123. It's a matter of life or death.

124. Dad, maybe this isn't the best time for this.

125. You used to love this part, laying the traps.

126. Yeah, I mean the thing where you hold us hostage in the woods to bond,

127. and we all just end up miserable and cold.

128. We have to figure out some real shit.

129. Wanna talk about real shit?

130. This is the end of how things are.

131. Once your mother is gone, everything is going to change.

132. We follow her rules. She is what holds us together.

133. Soon, we're gonna have a decision to make.

134. Let each other go

135. or find a new reason to stick together.

136. But yeah, you're full-grown men.

137. I can't make this decision for you.

138. Just get over yourselves.

139. Wait.

140. Kathy Harkin.

141. Kathy Harkin, Mark Ellis.

142. Married August 22nd, 1997.

143. Who were they?

144. I don't know. Probably some relatives.

145. Wait.

146. That's weird.

147. Why would there be other people in my family that got married here?

148. Mmm… Maybe because your family are originally from here too.

149. Or

150. this place is like an evil death trap meant to bring us here and kill us all.

151. Or it's just a coincidence.

152. Ah!

153. Hello! Here's a death certificate.

154. Mmm?

155. Death certificate, Kathy Harkin.

156. Wait. Uh, August 22nd.

157. Oh God.

158. Well, what… what does that mean?

159. She died the same day she got married.

160. That's not a coincidence.

161. Okay.

162. We should start looking for birth and death certificates too.

163. There may be more of them.

164. And maybe we can make, like, a… like, a family tree.

165. Okay.

166. Here's your parents.

167. And here's another death. It's Roger Harkin.

168. - October 9th, 1941. - Great.

169. - Wait, Roger Harkin. I just saw this. Uh… - Mm-hmm.

170. Ah. Roger Harkin. Okay. Roger Harkin. Roger Harkin. Roger Harkin.

171. Roger Harkin, cause of death… hemorrhage. Just like my mom.

172. He was married October 9th.

173. Died October 9th, 1941.

174. Dad, he's—

175. Ten years sober, Dad.

176. Right.

177. Sorry.

178. It's okay.

179. Well, now I gotta piss. You keep an eye out.

180. You should've told me about Mom.

181. Like, months ago.

182. I tried.

183. But you know how Mom is so protective of you.

184. You could've told me anyway.

185. Yeah, like you'd betray Mom's wishes.

186. I'm sick of this family treating me like a child.

187. Yeah.

188. It's fucking with me.

189. Well, you have to admit you do have trouble accepting things.

190. You can't accept imperfection.

191. - You always have to overdo shit. - Okay.

192. You give up when you know something won't work out in your favor.

193. It's true. I've known you my whole life. You always have to have a perfect story.

194. The… the perfect meet-cute for your perfect love story.

195. Like you didn't embellish your story either.

196. Well, she was my friend first.

197. She was our friend! I'm not fighting with you about this.

198. - You brought it up. - You brought it up!

199. The problem is that you contextualize every little thing around yourself.

200. I didn't marry your ex-girlfriend.

201. I married the woman I was in love with since I was 21.

202. You were not in love with her back then. You say that to make it sound like…

203. - It was obvious. - …I stole something from you.

204. - You were mean to her. - Because I was in love with her.

205. I couldn't make your wedding

206. because I was doing something good for someone who needed it.

207. But you only did it because it's a good story.

208. That's not true.

209. It's true. You're drawn to stories, not people.

210. You could've just asked for her number and then still flown to my wedding.

211. But no, you just had to do some big, forced romantic gesture.

212. Fuck off. You weren't there. It was the right thing to do and—

213. I'm not talking to you about this. We're sitting in silence now.

214. It's not your fault.

215. It's… it's not your fault, by the way. It's, um… it's Mom and Dad's.

216. They, um… they fed you this stuff about perfection,

217. perfect relationship,

218. soulmate shit.

219. They hid so much from all three of us.

220. But mostly you.

221. Just be careful. I don't want you to ruin everything like you usually do.

222. You ruined everything last night.

223. I had to make sure she understood the whole story, man.

224. She was staking her belief on a lie.

225. Okay, I know. I'm fixing it.

226. You have to get her to believe you're her soulmate.

227. It's the only chance she might live.

228. Jesus Christ, I get it. I said I didn't wanna talk anymore.

229. And I'm definitely not taking relationship advice from you.

230. I thought we weren't talking.

231. You and Nellie are like fucking kids playing tennis.

232. At least me and Nellie are honest with each other.

233. You guys are brutally honest.

234. That's not better than protecting the person you love.

235. Oh my God. That's what I'm saying. That's… that's what Mom and Dad did to us.

236. Don't do that to her. Be fucking honest.

237. Rachel and I have a great relationship.

238. I don't need to defend my relationship to you.

239. Then why are you defending it?

240. "Tennis."

241. Fuck off.

242. - Holy shit. Fox. There's a fox. - What? Yell for Dad.

243. What do I yell again? Hooty-hoo?

244. - Whoop-de-woo? - Whoop-de-woo.

245. It's hooty-hoo, you idiots.

246. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

247. Nicky, that's your set.

248. You do the honors.

249. Safety's on. Keep it on till you get down the hill.

250. - You're all right. You're all right. - Okay.

251. Fuck.

252. Fuck.

253. Here's you.

254. Here's your birth certificate.

255. Oh, thank you.

256. Okay, so it looks like the curse first spread to my bloodline

257. with Marianne and Thomas Harkin.

258. And it looks like they had three kids.

259. Two of them had their own kids out of wedlock,

260. and one of them got married.

261. That's Carrie Harkin. Married April 27th, 1870.

262. Declared dead April 27th, 1870. Hemorrhage.

263. And, uh, Virginia Harkin. Married November 1st, 1947.

264. And also dead November 1st, 1947. Hemorrhage.

265. But the curse spreads if you don't get married?

266. Only if you've accepted a proposal. Otherwise, it has no one… to spread to.

267. I guess these people, all of them, must have known about the curse

268. and just decided to avoid marriage.

269. Like my… my grandmother… Audrey.

270. Audrey, she… she had my mom out of wedlock, right,

271. so she obviously knew not to get engaged.

272. But her sister, Lori…

273. …wed February 10th and died February 10th.

274. Mm.

275. And it's the same with…

276. …Kathy and Roger

277. and Virginia and fucking Carrie.

278. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.

279. All of them fucking dead on their wedding day.

280. And it goes all the way down…

281. …to me.

282. Tomorrow.

283. - This… this isn't right. - Huh?

284. They all have the same witness signature.

285. - It's not possible. - Yeah.

286. - None of this is possible, and yet— - No. No.

287. He'd have to be at least, what, like… 200 years old.

288. Yeah. Yes.

289. He is the one who spread the curse to my bloodline

290. because he didn't marry his fiancée,

291. and now he has to witness all of the cursed weddings

292. as a punishment or something.

293. How'd you know all that?

294. He told me.

295. - The 200-year-old man told you that? - Yes.

296. Yes.

297. Do you believe me now?

298. Do you believe me now?

299. Oh fuck.

300. Dad, I think we should call it. We're never gonna find this thing.

301. - It's only got three legs. - It's gonna get dark soon.

302. Keep your voices down. You're gonna scare it.

303. Scare it? It chewed off its own foot. It's fucking petrified.

304. It's gonna run till its heart stops beating.

305. Hey, what's the plan?

306. Spend all night looking for it, only to help nature along?

307. What? Letting it slowly bleed to death is better for you?

308. What if you just ran?

309. Fuck all of this. Sorry, Nicky. Go home. Never look back.

310. Yeah, if I did that, the curse would just spread to his bloodline.

311. Yeah, but what does that mean exactly? Nicky would have the curse?

312. I think it means

313. he would have to deal with this shit following him and his future offspring

314. for the rest of their lives, so…

315. But

316. not not an option.

317. He doesn't deserve this.

318. You don't either.

319. But I've already got it, so…

320. I think the only way out is down the aisle.

321. I live or die, and that's it.

322. That's it.

323. How do you smoke that all the time and not get paranoid?

324. I do get paranoid.

325. Hmm?

326. And, just to be sure, you really believe the immortal man?

327. Yeah. Everything he said was true.

328. Shit.

329. Shit.

330. Shit.

331. Shit.

332. Shit!

333. That little bastard could be anywhere.

334. - Shit! - Well?

335. We split up.

336. Great. I'll go see if he wandered back to the house.

337. Good luck with the hunt. Nicky?

338. No?

339. Okay. Make sure to come to my room after so you can tell me

340. how you found the fox and sewed its paw back on,

341. and then the fox looked you in the eye and said,

342. "Thank you so much, Nicky, for saving my life. You're my hero."

343. Dad.

344. Love these bonding trips with you. We didn't get to bond much, though,

345. so… I'll give you guys the scoop. Nellie and I are getting divorced.

346. - What? - Yeah.

347. - Jules. - What? You signed papers?

348. Not yet.

349. So help me God, you had better not tell your mother this.

350. Of course not. God forbid anyone's honest around here.

351. Enjoy your night.

352. Praying for your triumphant victory.

353. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

354. Arlene Harkin, yeah?

355. Born, 1900.

356. Married, 1922.

357. We don't have a death for her.

358. Well, she must be dead now. They're all dead.

359. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.

360. Sort of looks like a toe on the ceiling.

361. If you squint.

362. Look.

363. She died in 1979.

364. So she was married for… 57 years.

365. What?

366. - What the fuck? - Hey!

367. Wait, wait, wait. Uh…

368. How did she do it?

369. I don't know, but there's hope, isn't there?

370. We gotta talk to her.

371. Yes, but she's dead.

372. We gotta talk to her.

373. She's dead.

374. We have to talk to her.

375. The wedding cake is not all icing

376. And loving, tender whispers In the dark

377. One slice is concern for your dreams

378. 'Fraid they won't come true And break your heart

379. Another slice is feedin' kids And wipin' noses

380. Cryin' when the doorbell rings

381. And there are roses

382. Every woman knows a lot of give-and-take Comes with the wedding cake

383. - All right. - Oh…

384. You get changed. I'll get Portia on board, and I'll meet you in the sunken room.

385. Play nice, or she won't help us.

386. Fuck! Jesus, Portia.

387. You're late, asshole.

388. - I'm sorry— - What were you two doing all day?

389. Eating out everyone at the nail salon?

390. Oh.

391. These look really good. I hope you tipped the blind child who did them.

392. I'm sorry—

393. I'm an honest person, Rachel. You can be honest with me.

394. There's a lot of bad energy coming from you,

395. and I think you understand how important this wedding is

396. to my brother, my mom, and the rest of our family.

397. Do you?

398. Hmm. Nellie told me all that freak shit you said last night is true.

399. And I don't even care if you're carrying a blood-evil curse.

400. Because, regardless, my brother loves you,

401. and I will not let you bail on this wedding.

402. I was practically left at the altar,

403. so then I married some random guy in Las Vegas. Don't tell my parents.

404. And I will not let that happen to Nicky.

405. Are you gonna break my brother's heart and crush my mother's dreams? Be honest.

406. Good.

407. Now, will it kill you to play

408. one fun, normal, sexy bachelorette party game that I planned

409. before everything is ruined again

410. because of your insistence on being a gothic nightmare?

411. It will kill you?

412. Rachel.

413. I don't say this lightly.

414. You're really, really, really lucky to have me.

415. Because I know how to summon the dead.

416. Mm?

417. Mmm.

418. We cleanse this space to ward off evil spirits.

419. Evil

420. is not welcome here.

421. We are gathered here on Rachel's final night of freedom

422. to contact…

423. Who?

424. My great-aunt.

425. Right. For marital advice from the great beyond.

426. Light this candle with your left hand, the hand connecting you to light.

427. Yes. And then, at the same time—

428. Okay. And then, at the same time, with your right hand,

429. touch a belonging of the deceased.

430. Right hand towards darkness.

431. This establishes your connection, and then you'll ask your questions.

432. Arlene Harkin.

433. I'm coming to you to ask for advice the day before my wedding.

434. I need to know how you knew for certain that your husband, David, was the one.

435. Now everyone put your hands in.

436. Um…

437. Maybe ask in a different way.

438. - What do you mean, a different way? - Rachel.

439. Okay. Arlene, if you're there,

440. please tell me how you survived.

441. Maybe just start with something less intense.

442. Oh my God! It moved!

443. - I thought you'd done this before! - It never worked before!

444. - What the fuck? - Okay. What do I do now?

445. - You talk to her. - Okay. Uh, Arlene…

446. Arlene.

447. How did you survive your wedding day?

448. Ask again.

449. Arlene, how did you know that David was your soulmate?

450. Oh my God.

451. Oh my God!

452. Oh my God! Something hit me! Something actually hit me!

453. - Is it bad? - What the fuck!

454. No! Not at all!

455. - No, it's totally fine. - It'll heal one day.

456. Now you have an excuse to get that nose job.

457. Oh, Nellie! Is there a scar? Am I gonna have a face scar?

458. - Maybe. - Fuck!

459. Nell.

460. Oh fuck!

461. I'm sorry, Dad. I…

462. Dad?

463. Hey.

464. Dad?

465. I need to take some responsibility for last night.

466. No, no. Last night was…

467. It was completely my fault. I mean—

468. Listen.

469. Sometimes it's okay to keep secrets to protect the ones we love.

470. But your brother does have a point.

471. Oh.

472. Yeah, you… You heard us talking about that.

473. It's true.

474. Your mother always wanted to protect you guys from the harsh realities.

475. But I see now what it did to you.

476. It was irresponsible of us to feed you this perfect story,

477. this high standard of what a marriage is.

478. So…

479. Your mother is a good woman,

480. she is the love of my life, and she loves you very much.

481. I know that.

482. But our relationship isn't what you think it is, Nicky.

483. I promised your mother I would never tell you this,

484. but I see now that you need to know.

485. Arlene, come back.

486. Arlene.

487. What does living dead mean?

488. What does that mean?

489. Please

490. say it.

491. Oh.

492. Jesus Christ!

493. - Trying that again after all that? - Sorry. Is… is she okay?

494. Yeah, yeah. She's fine. She's freaking out about the bruising,

495. but I gave her a Klonopin and put her to bed.

496. You brought one of these in here?

497. It must've been Portia who left one of those there.

498. I fucking hate it. It's so creepy. I'm gonna…

499. Just one more time.

500. Are you here?

501. I don't know what to do anymore.

502. I don't know what to do anymore.

503. Something…

504. Something happened back there, and…

505. You have to help me.

506. I…

507. I don't know. Are…

508. …Nicky and I soulmates

509. because we can anticipate each other's needs most of the time,

510. or… are we not soulmates because

511. he fucking… lied about the plane?

512. He lied about the fucking plane.

513. And…

514. My dad?

515. He invited my dad.

516. Fuck, it's like…

517. Does he even know me?

518. You said you need to believe that he's your soulmate, right?

519. Yeah.

520. So what would make you believe it?

521. I don't know. I don't know.

522. That's the problem.

523. Okay, so then I genuinely think all you can do is decide

524. that he's your soulmate, or not, and then take whatever comes.

525. Whatever comes is…

526. …death.

527. But, you know, if I was you, I would trust the version of myself

528. that's loved him for three years and agreed to marry him

529. and not the version who heard about a soulmate curse five seconds ago.

530. You must have felt seen by him when you agreed to marry him, right?

531. Yeah?

532. Yeah, I think so.

533. Yes. This…

534. This curse… thing

535. has completely bent your reality.

536. It's… it's totally fucked-up.

537. It's made you doubt everything.

538. And the only way to stop doubt

539. is to make a decision, and then you'll know.

540. So just

541. fuck this curse, and go back to reality-reality.

542. - It's your wedding day tomorrow. - Mmm.

543. Mmm?

544. - It's your bachelorette party tonight. - Mmm.

545. Wake up tomorrow and decide. Cheers.

546. That's all I get?

547. Cheers.

548. Have to look in the eyes.

549. I did. You were looking away.

550. - It's your last night of freedom. - Mmm.

551. Do whatever you want with it.

552. And you know, maybe keep it realistic. We can't, like,

553. I don't know…

554. go skydiving.

555. You know me better than that. I'd never. What if the parachute didn't open?

556. - Mmm. - Thank you. Thanks.

557. Jules and I are getting a divorce.

558. What?

559. Mm-hmm.

560. Yeah.

561. Well, planning on it. He hasn't signed the papers or anything yet.

562. Uh…

563. Don't tell anyone.

564. What?

565. Mom?

566. Mom?

567. Mom.

568. Oh, hi, honey. Come.

569. Come here.

570. Um…

571. I need to know if it's true, Mom.

572. Did you cheat on Dad when I was a kid?

573. Before I was born or something?

574. No.

575. No, honey. It…

576. It… it wasn't… It wasn't like that.

577. Who was it?

578. It wasn't, uh,

579. some cheap thing.

580. I met your dad and Beau around the same time.

581. I loved them… both.

582. I chose your dad. I… I don't regret that.

583. And then what, you just… you went back on your word or…

584. I loved Beau too.

585. I don't give a shit about Beau! Why didn't you tell me?

586. Because it's none of your fucking business.

587. You let me believe that it's possible to have a… a 30-year, enduring marriage

588. where you're devoted to one person.

589. But isn't that wonderful? Isn't that wonderful that you got to believe that?

590. Not if it's not true.

591. It is true. This doesn't change anything.

592. It changes everything that I fucking…

593. What else? What else are you… are you hiding from me?

594. I'm not… I'm not gonna let you take this to the grave. I…

595. I don't care about being protected.

596. You… you tell me right now, everything you've been protecting me from.

597. Mom.

598. Mom.

599. Mom?

600. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.

601. - Fuck! - Oh! What's that?

602. You called me here, didn't you?

603. - Let go! - What the fuck are you doing?

604. Fuck!

605. - Something living. Something dead. - Portia, stop!

606. Something stolen.

607. Something red.

608. I took my troubles down to Madam Ruth

609. You know that gypsy With the gold-capped tooth

610. She's got a pad down…

611. What the fuck did you do to me?

612. Sellin' little bottles Of Love Potion No. 9

613. I told her That I was a flop with chicks

614. I'd been that way since 1956

615. She looked at my palm She made a magic sign

616. She said, "Now, what you need is Love Potion No. 9"

617. She bent down and turned around And gave me a wink

618. She said, "I'm gonna mix it up Right here in the sink"

619. It smelled like turpentine It looked like Indian ink

620. I held my nose, I closed my eyes

621. I took a drink

622. I didn't know if it was day or night

623. I started kissin' everything in sight

624. But when I kissed a cop Down at 34th and Vine

625. He broke my little bottle Of Love Potion No. 9

626. I held my nose, I closed my eyes

627. I took a drink

628. I didn't know if it was day or night

629. I started kissin' everything in sight

630. But when I kissed a cop Down at 34th and Vine

631. He broke my little bottle Of Love Potion No. 9

632. Love Potion No. 9