1. What are you looking at?Copy !req
2. How much do you weigh?Copy !req
3. Two pounds. What does that
have to do with anything?Copy !req
4. Nothing. Been to the gym recently?Copy !req
5. I have a squirrel named Jim.
Does that count?Copy !req
6. Hey, why are you in such a rush?
You're up to something, man.Copy !req
7. I don't like it.Copy !req
8. Okay, Rich, I don't normally
say this kind of thingCopy !req
9. but I've always enjoyed your company.Copy !req
10. Enjoyed? Why are you using past tense?
You're scaring me, man.Copy !req
11. I want you to have this.
You've always admired itCopy !req
12. and I don't think I'll be needing it
any more.Copy !req
13. Wow, I love this. Hey, I'm a bandito.Copy !req
14. Okay, eyes front, don't look behind you,
all the best.Copy !req
15. Holy shit nut!Copy !req
16. I'd run if I were you, Rich.
That bull looks horny.Copy !req
17. - Can you speak French?
- Absolutely not.Copy !req
18. Keep 'em guessing.
That's what I always say.Copy !req
19. Two hundred and twenty-four.Copy !req
20. You're missing out.
It's a language of love.Copy !req
21. If I spoke French,
women would find me hugely attractive.Copy !req
22. - You think so, do you?
- Mmm. Yeah.Copy !req
23. I do.Copy !req
24. I goddamn do.Copy !req
25. Look at Bryan Adams.Copy !req
26. Foul.Copy !req
27. What the hell is going on with your eye?Copy !req
28. Last night, I was making some beer
from one of those homemade brewing kitsCopy !req
29. you gave me for Christmas...Copy !req
30. And I guess I drank half a pint
that was still fermenting.Copy !req
31. Next thing I know,
I'm seeing bright lightsCopy !req
32. and it's stinging like shit.Copy !req
33. And now I can't see out of this eye.Copy !req
34. I'm half blind.Copy !req
35. Congratulations. Tell me,Copy !req
36. how does it feel to be the biggest prick
in London?Copy !req
37. That hurts, man. That really hurts.Copy !req
38. Where's your humanity?Copy !req
39. On a thousand mattresses
from here to Greenland.Copy !req
40. Yes!Copy !req
41. - Well done, man.
- Give me that.Copy !req
42. Mmm.Copy !req
43. Thanks very much, Ken. Thank you.Copy !req
44. Matt, could you show me out of here?Copy !req
45. It's Ken, actually.
But it'd be my pleasure.Copy !req
46. Hey, check her out.Copy !req
47. - Not bad.
- She looks French.Copy !req
48. I think I'll try out my love language.Copy !req
49. Well...Copy !req
50. Yeah, whatever that means.Copy !req
51. Mmm.Copy !req
52. Bonjour, je m'appelle Richard.Copy !req
53. Hi, je m'appelle Desi.Copy !req
54. Ah, c'est très bien, Desi. Mmm.Copy !req
55. Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça que c'est?Copy !req
56. Que ça que c'est que ça?Copy !req
57. Que c'est que ça que c'est que ça
que c'est que ça.Copy !req
58. Que c'est que ça que c'est que ça.Copy !req
59. Que c'est que ça. Que c'est que ça.Copy !req
60. Que c'est que ça!
Que c'est que ça que...Copy !req
61. - Que c'est.
- Nice work.Copy !req
62. Hey.Copy !req
63. I just ran out of words.Copy !req
64. Look, this thing takes
a little practice, that's all.Copy !req
65. Watch and observe.Copy !req
66. Private room. Ten minutes.Copy !req
67. Napkin!Copy !req
68. What's up with you?
You look like a dog with two dicks.Copy !req
69. - Is that good?
- Very good.Copy !req
70. Well, I think I did it.
I met the love of my life.Copy !req
71. I'd like you to meet her. Grendel?Copy !req
72. Grendel, I recognise...Copy !req
73. Grendel, I'd like you to meet
my best friend Matt.Copy !req
74. Oh, yes.Copy !req
75. Do you two know each other?Copy !req
76. No, no. No, no. No. No, no, no.Copy !req
77. Shut up! You're putting me off.Copy !req
78. No, no. Not me.Copy !req
79. No, no.Copy !req
80. No, not my type. Very nice though, yeah.Copy !req
81. Mmm, yeah.Copy !req
82. Whisky!Copy !req
83. Huh. Well...Copy !req
84. I wouldn't mind getting my hands
on a blonde like that.Copy !req
85. Very good. Very good.Copy !req
86. Good morning, gentlemen.Copy !req
87. Good morning.Copy !req
88. Apologies for being late.
I had a meeting with our local vicar...Copy !req
89. - Oh.
and he's asked meCopy !req
90. to perform a guest sermon next Sunday.Copy !req
91. - Well done.
- Isn't that an honour?Copy !req
92. Play the first clip, please, Felix.Copy !req
93. Hello, Mrs Granger, it's Malcolm again
from Meals on Wheels.Copy !req
94. Oh, I was hoping
it would be you, Malcolm.Copy !req
95. What have you got?Copy !req
96. Well, I've got
hotpot and jam roll.Copy !req
97. Whatever are you doing, Mrs Granger?Copy !req
98. How do you fancy putting
your jam roll in my hotpot, Malcolm?Copy !req
99. Mrs Granger!Copy !req
100. There's 10 grand
in that biscuit tin, Malcolm.Copy !req
101. Think of all the scratch cards
you could buy with that.Copy !req
102. Well,Copy !req
103. Let's fuckin' hope
age does come before beauty.Copy !req
104. Are you gonna keep
your scarf on, Mrs Granger?Copy !req
105. Of course, I am.
It's real mink.Copy !req
106. Oh, heavens.Copy !req
107. Oh, no.Copy !req
108. Oh, heaven. All right, Felix.Copy !req
109. Truly tragic. You know,
I saw a magpie yesterday.Copy !req
110. And I understand
they're also being wiped out.Copy !req
111. Really? Crying shame.Copy !req
112. - Isn't it just?
- What can you do?Copy !req
113. What can one do?Copy !req
114. What can one do?Copy !req
115. So, I don't know if I'm diving headfirstCopy !req
116. into this relationship
with Grendel or what,Copy !req
117. but it looks like this one
could be the one.Copy !req
118. But I don't want to rush into it.Copy !req
119. I mean, she's so beautiful.Copy !req
120. But she seems to be the only woman
not disgusted by my eye.Copy !req
121. I mean, I need somebody that's
not gonna puke every time she sees me.Copy !req
122. So I should marry her, right?Copy !req
123. Do you want to order food?Copy !req
124. Yeah, I guess I'll have
the rabbit omelette.Copy !req
125. Oh, I just farted.Copy !req
126. Sorry.Copy !req
127. What's this? Got anything else?Copy !req
128. All right, then?Copy !req
129. You'll need a mop.Copy !req
130. Hi, I want you to feel comfortable,
so please feel free to sitCopy !req
131. - anywhere you'd like.
- I'll sit here.Copy !req
132. I need to talk to you.Copy !req
133. Well, I need to talk to you.Copy !req
134. Okay.Copy !req
135. I need to get something off my chest.Copy !req
136. Well, jump right in!Copy !req
137. But you don't have to talk
if you don't want to.Copy !req
138. Well, it's my friend Rich.Copy !req
139. He's about to marry this girl
called Grendel.Copy !req
140. And I just know she's not right for him.Copy !req
141. Please continue.Copy !req
142. I'm intrigued!Copy !req
143. Okay, I'll get down to brass tacks.Copy !req
144. If he marries her, she gets her hands
on his royalty cheques.Copy !req
145. And I just can't let that happen.Copy !req
146. You do realise...Copy !req
147. You're going to have to talk
to your friend!Copy !req
148. Which is a terrible idea.Copy !req
149. Yeah, but I don't know what else to do.
He won't stop talking about her.Copy !req
150. I just know this will end terribly.Copy !req
151. You have to tackle
this problem head-on!Copy !req
152. Leave the country.Copy !req
153. - What?
- Go to a cave for several years.Copy !req
154. Join a monastery.Copy !req
155. This is ridiculous. You're an idiot.
I know exactly what to do.Copy !req
156. Well, I know exactly what to...Copy !req
157. do!Copy !req
158. Brad, cancel all my
appointments for today and, uh...Copy !req
159. send in the next client!Copy !req
160. Oh, and Brad, if you're getting lunch,
I'll have a strawberry milkshake.Copy !req
161. Uh, make that rabbit!Copy !req
162. You're quite an enigma, sir.Copy !req
163. - Really?
- We have walked almost two milesCopy !req
164. and yet you have spoken but three words.Copy !req
165. Hmm.Copy !req
166. If I were bolder,
I'd say you were in love, sir.Copy !req
167. Ah, a swing!Copy !req
168. How charming.Copy !req
169. You made this, didn't you, Master Berry?Copy !req
170. I would be honoured if my ladyCopy !req
171. were to christen the rope
fully I have erected.Copy !req
172. Oh, yes.Copy !req
173. I say, over here!Copy !req
174. Sir, it's Rupert!Copy !req
175. Look, on the horse.Copy !req
176. Yoo-hoo!Copy !req
177. Hello!Copy !req
178. A friend of yours, I presume?Copy !req
179. My fiancé.Copy !req
180. Fuck you!Copy !req
181. Yahoo!Copy !req
182. I'll bet you rustlers are hungry,
aren't you?Copy !req
183. Yeah!Copy !req
184. Are you ready to partake
in the best all-you-can-eatCopy !req
185. western super-jumbo
all-you-can-eat buffet and fixins bar?Copy !req
186. Yeah!Copy !req
187. Hold on there. Before we go in
and fill our gizzards up,Copy !req
188. there are a few simple instructions
we're gonna have to follow.Copy !req
189. First, we can't all go stampedin'
to the buffet bar willy-nilly.Copy !req
190. That'd be against state
and federal regulations.Copy !req
191. Now, each of you has been given
a pre-designated numberCopy !req
192. you will find underneath your seats.Copy !req
193. Now, each number has a letter by it.Copy !req
194. All those with an A on their cardCopy !req
195. will proceed to the mashed potater lineCopy !req
196. right next to the Calamity Jane statue.Copy !req
197. All B's will go to the salad barCopy !req
198. that's southwest of the covered-wagon
sausage pit.Copy !req
199. Now, if you have a C,
you are a lucky cowpokeCopy !req
200. because you're going
to the Smoothie General StoreCopy !req
201. next to the Briar Rabbit.Copy !req
202. Did he say rabbit?
All right, everybody?Copy !req
203. Texas Willie ain't done yet.Copy !req
204. Each letter, once done
with its predesignated areaCopy !req
205. shall then proceed to the area
two letters above.Copy !req
206. Therefore, mashed potater people
will go to the Smoothie General Store.Copy !req
207. Now, is everybody ready to eat
some of the best grubCopy !req
208. this side of Pecos County?Copy !req
209. Hold on! Just three more rules!Copy !req
210. Dipshit!Copy !req
211. I'm gonna grab me a rabbit.Copy !req
212. I might go to the cinema this evening.Copy !req
213. You know those two air hostesses?Copy !req
214. They asked me if we fancied a game
of mixed doubles tomorrow.Copy !req
215. Have you seen my reading glasses?Copy !req
216. Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
217. You can see I'm blind, you bastard!Copy !req
218. You do it on fuckin' purpose!Copy !req
219. I thought you were a friend.Copy !req
220. - Where are you going?
- I gotta piss.Copy !req
221. Don't wake Quickfinch!Copy !req
222. Shh.Copy !req
223. To blow that trumpet would be
the last foolish thingCopy !req
224. you would ever achieve, Wormwood.Copy !req
225. Ah, Mr Rich.
What the hell happened to you?Copy !req
226. - Well, I started...
- Don't tell me.Copy !req
227. You visited the Blue Leopard
during happy hour.Copy !req
228. Ha. Funny as my crotch.Copy !req
229. Actually, you wouldn't just nip off
for some...Copy !req
230. Oh, yes, sir.Copy !req
231. - As you were, sir.
- Well,Copy !req
232. last night I was making beer
from one of those homemade brew kitsCopy !req
233. that Matt gave me for Christmas.Copy !req
234. And I guess I drank a half pint
that was still fermenting.Copy !req
235. 'Cause next thing you know,
I saw all these bright lightsCopy !req
236. and my eye was stinging like shit!Copy !req
237. And now I can't see out of this eye.Copy !req
238. I'm half blind.Copy !req
239. Sir Charles.Copy !req
240. Sir Charles!Copy !req
241. Sir fucking Charles!Copy !req
242. I'm half blind!Copy !req
243. Indeed.Copy !req
244. Tell me, Mr Rich,Copy !req
245. how long does it take the Earth
to rotate around the sun?Copy !req
246. A year?Copy !req
247. Excellent.Copy !req
248. Fuck nuts!Copy !req
249. How the hell did you do that?Copy !req
250. You're like
some magic wizard magician guy.Copy !req
251. Sir Charles, how do I ever repay you?Copy !req
252. The pleasure's all mine, sir.Copy !req
253. Talking of pleasure,
two twins and a snake?Copy !req
254. Any preferences?Copy !req
255. Wow. I'll take the snake!Copy !req
256. I'm a great kisser.Copy !req
257. I say, I have a snake
that would put that to shame.Copy !req
258. You want to see it? Mmm, yes you do.Copy !req
259. Could you imagine if Neil Kinnock
was in a film with Al Pacino?Copy !req
260. It would suck! Like you, man!Copy !req
261. You suck!Copy !req
262. You suck!Copy !req
263. Really?Copy !req
264. Okay, forget that.Copy !req
265. What bugs me,
what really, really bugs me...Copy !req
266. Is that I'm a retard!Copy !req
267. I'm a retard who sucks!Copy !req
268. You suck, man!Copy !req
269. I'm a retard.Copy !req
270. You suck!Copy !req
271. Guess what?Copy !req
272. You suck!Copy !req
273. Hey, where'd you get
those wheels? Daytona?Copy !req
274. Five cars ridin' round a track!Copy !req
275. Go, go, go!Copy !req
276. You call that playing football, man?Copy !req
277. You suck!Copy !req
278. Shut up!Copy !req
279. No, you shut up.Copy !req
280. Hey, nice gay music!Copy !req
281. Which one of you's king of the gaylords?Copy !req
282. Do you want a smack
in the mouth, pal?Copy !req
283. No, but maybe you could play for me
some Judy Garland.Copy !req
284. See you later, gays.Copy !req
285. Maybe at the Gay Pride... Oh, I suck.Copy !req
286. I mean, the song's fine.
It would take care of itself,Copy !req
287. but what are we gonna wear
on Top of the Pops?Copy !req
288. What? Our clothes?Copy !req
289. - Who gives a shit?
- I do.Copy !req
290. We're not getting any younger.
I mean, you're not, and that's for sure.Copy !req
291. I got a couple years' grace at a push,Copy !req
292. but you're almost fucked,
wouldn't you say?Copy !req
293. Well, I'm no Phil Collins,
but I do my best.Copy !req
294. Yeah? Well, your best may not cut
the mustard, mon ami.Copy !req
295. I don't need this shit.Copy !req
296. Neither do I. I gotta piss.Copy !req
297. Never too... too late.Copy !req
298. Too late.Copy !req
299. That was quick.Copy !req
300. Word of advice. It's the one
without the shoes on the end.Copy !req
301. You haven't changed.Copy !req
302. Holy fuck! Adam Ant.Copy !req
303. Jesus, how long has it been?Copy !req
304. Two years?Copy !req
305. Thirty-five. You been back to Dartmoor?Copy !req
306. No, no, not voluntarily. You?Copy !req
307. No!Copy !req
308. Hey, that Prince Charming number
is great.Copy !req
309. And the kids love the pirate shit.Copy !req
310. Tell me about it.Copy !req
311. Hey, listen, uh,
I'm worried about my friend Matt.Copy !req
312. You know, we're on
Top of the Pops tomorrow.Copy !req
313. Anyhoo, he dresses like shit.Copy !req
314. Could you have a word with him?Copy !req
315. Yeah, of course.Copy !req
316. Thing is, he's as touchy as an actressCopy !req
317. so try and be constructive, okay?Copy !req
318. Right. Let's get back to work.
Who's the pirate?Copy !req
319. Don't call him a pirate.
He's a pop star.Copy !req
320. - Mmm.
- 'Ello, shipmate.Copy !req
321. Your friend tells me
you're on Top of the Pops tomorrow.Copy !req
322. - Congratulations.
- Thanks.Copy !req
323. Word of advice.
Do you own any other suits?Copy !req
324. No one does that Perry Como look
any more.Copy !req
325. Perry Como!Copy !req
326. Okay, so I'm taking fashion advice
from Long John Silver.Copy !req
327. Okay, now, my dickheaded friend
may think you're coolCopy !req
328. with your fancy dress.
I think you look like Captain Birdseye.Copy !req
329. And if you wanna grab hold
of my cat-o'-nine-tailsCopy !req
330. I suggest you walk the fucking plank,
n'est-ce pas?Copy !req
331. Don't go!Copy !req
332. Prince Charming!Copy !req
333. Do you realise what you just did?
That was Adam Ant!Copy !req
334. You asked Adam Ant to walk the plank!
He's a pirate!Copy !req
335. You don't ask a pirate
to walk the plank!Copy !req
336. Well, what do you ask a pirate?Copy !req
337. "Arr, can I have a biscuit?"Copy !req
338. - What a dickhead!
- I thought he was your pal.Copy !req
339. Oh, we just shared a cell.Copy !req
340. Arr.Copy !req
341. - Matt.
- What?Copy !req
342. I'm gonna do it.Copy !req
343. What, go for a piss?
Well, you know where it is.Copy !req
344. No, I'm gonna take the plunge.
I'm gonna marry Grendel tomorrow.Copy !req
345. Good God, man,
you've just met the woman.Copy !req
346. I know, but when it's right, it's right.Copy !req
347. And I want you to invite everyone I know
to the wedding.Copy !req
348. - Just me, then?
- No.Copy !req
349. I also invited your dad.
It's a shame you two don't...Copy !req
350. Now, why would you do
a stupid thing like that?Copy !req
351. Hey, go easy, Rambo.Copy !req
352. What's the big deal, anyway?Copy !req
353. Really, Berry, you know the rules.Copy !req
354. Whisky!Copy !req
355. Uh, maybe we should talk
about the hors d'oeuvres.Copy !req
356. Does pheasant go with rabbit?Copy !req
357. Let's discuss.Copy !req
358. Or maybe deer goes better
with rabbit. I don't know.Copy !req
359. Anyhoo, thanks
for this great stag night, Matt.Copy !req
360. You're really making my marriage
something special.Copy !req
361. Just about there.Copy !req
362. You're the best friend I've ever had.Copy !req
363. When I came to London,
I was real lonely.Copy !req
364. I didn't know what I would have done
if I hadn't have metted you.Copy !req
365. What?Copy !req
366. Oh, nothing.Copy !req
367. Good.Copy !req
368. Hey, this is that song.Copy !req
369. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll admit,
this is a classic riff.Copy !req
370. Hey, check me out.Copy !req
371. That's more of a bass, you idiot.Copy !req
372. Who gives a shit? I'm jammin'.Copy !req
373. No, look, see what I'm doing?Copy !req
374. I'm using the right chords.Copy !req
375. C7 back to F.Copy !req
376. No. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
377. There's no way a guitar that small
could emit such a classic sound.Copy !req
378. Now you're just being an arsehole.Copy !req
379. And I quit the band.Copy !req
380. Fine. I'll go solo.Copy !req
381. Hey, check this out.Copy !req
382. Yeah. Jam it!Copy !req
383. Treat it like a Russian jumbo jet, huh?Copy !req
384. Whoo, take it to prison.Copy !req
385. Huh?Copy !req
386. Read it like a book. I'm on chapter 20.Copy !req
387. Ooh, baby!Copy !req
388. Yeah! Matt, are you dead?Copy !req
389. To your good health, Mr Rich.Copy !req
390. Fuck!Copy !req
391. Fuck!Copy !req
392. Ken, I am starting to freak.
Where is Matt?Copy !req
393. And Grendel? And Matt's dad?
What am I gonna do?Copy !req
394. I think you need a drink, Mr Rich.Copy !req
395. Thanks, Ken. You're the best.Copy !req
396. - Yeah!
- All right?Copy !req
397. Rich, may I introduce Matt's dad?Copy !req
398. John Halliday Berry.Copy !req
399. Wait, you're Matt's dad?Copy !req
400. Made a dreadful mistake in Bangkok
30 years ago.Copy !req
401. - But Matt hates you.
- And I hate him.Copy !req
402. But what doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.Copy !req
403. Whisky!Copy !req
404. Where is the little bastard anyway?Copy !req
405. I don't know,
but he better get here soon.Copy !req
406. He's got my fucking ring.Copy !req
407. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
408. That's the ticket. Oh, yes.Copy !req
409. Nearly at the station. Oh, yes.Copy !req
410. One stop.Copy !req
411. Look out.Copy !req
412. Oh, shit.Copy !req
413. Just like Charles.Copy !req
414. Just a bit of fun.Copy !req
415. Yeah.Copy !req