1. What are you looking at?Copy !req
2. How much do you weigh?Copy !req
3. Two pounds. What does that
have to do with anything?Copy !req
4. Nothing. Been to the gym recently?Copy !req
5. I have a squirrel named Jim.
Does that count?Copy !req
6. Hey, why are you in such a rush?
You're up to something, man.Copy !req
7. I don't like it.Copy !req
8. Okay, Rich, I don't normally
say this kind of thingCopy !req
9. but I've always enjoyed your company.Copy !req
10. Enjoyed? Why are you using past tense?
You're scaring me, man.Copy !req
11. I want you to have this.
You've always admired itCopy !req
12. and I don't think I'll be needing it
any more.Copy !req
13. Wow, I love this. Hey, I'm a bandito.Copy !req
14. Okay, eyes front, don't look behind you,
all the best.Copy !req
15. Holy shit nut!Copy !req
16. I'd run if I were you, Rich.
That bull looks horny.Copy !req
17. Its not long now till its over.Copy !req
18. Nothing much changed, we're just older.Copy !req
19. But if I see you again back in detox.Copy !req
20. Put my remains in my snuff box.Copy !req
21. So, get here in time when our day comes.Copy !req
22. You thought it was gold but it was bronze.Copy !req
23. Get here in time when our day comes.Copy !req
24. You thought it was gold but it was bronze.Copy !req
25. - Can you speak French?
- Absolutely not.Copy !req
26. Keep 'em guessing.
That's what I always say.Copy !req
27. Two hundred and twenty-four.Copy !req
28. You're missing out.
It's a language of love.Copy !req
29. If I spoke French,
women would find me hugely attractive.Copy !req
30. - You think so, do you?
- Mmm. Yeah.Copy !req
31. I do.Copy !req
32. I goddamn do.Copy !req
33. Look at Bryan Adams.Copy !req
34. Foul.Copy !req
35. What the hell is going on with your eye?Copy !req
36. Last night, I was making some beer
from one of those homemade brewing kitsCopy !req
37. you gave me for Christmas...Copy !req
38. And I guess I drank half a pint
that was still fermenting.Copy !req
39. Next thing I know, I'm seeing bright lightsCopy !req
40. and it's stinging like shit.Copy !req
41. And now I can't see out of this eye.Copy !req
42. I'm half blind.Copy !req
43. Congratulations. Tell me,Copy !req
44. how does it feel to be the biggest prick
in London?Copy !req
45. That hurts, man. That really hurts.Copy !req
46. Where's your humanity?Copy !req
47. On a thousand mattresses
from here to Greenland.Copy !req
48. Yes!Copy !req
49. - Well done, man.
- Give me that.Copy !req
50. Mmm.Copy !req
51. Thanks very much, Ken. Thank you.Copy !req
52. Matt, could you show me out of here?Copy !req
53. It's Ken, actually. But
it'd be my pleasure.Copy !req
54. Hey, check her out.Copy !req
55. - Not bad.
- She looks French.Copy !req
56. I think I'll try out my love language.Copy !req
57. Well...Copy !req
58. Yeah, whatever that means.Copy !req
59. Mmm.Copy !req
60. Bonjour, je m'appelle Richard.Copy !req
61. Hi, je m'appelle Desi.Copy !req
62. Ah, c'est très bien, Desi. Mmm.Copy !req
63. Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça que c'est?Copy !req
64. Que ça que c'est que ça?Copy !req
65. Que c'est que ça que c'est que ça
que c'est que ça.Copy !req
66. Que c'est que ça que c'est que ça.Copy !req
67. Que c'est que ça. Que c'est que ça.Copy !req
68. Que c'est que ça!
Que c'est que ça que...Copy !req
69. - Que c'est.
- Nice work.Copy !req
70. Hey.Copy !req
71. I just ran out of words.Copy !req
72. Look, this thing takes
a little practice, that's all.Copy !req
73. Watch and observe.Copy !req
74. Private room. Ten minutes.Copy !req
75. Napkin!Copy !req
76. What's up with you?
You look like a dog with two dicks.Copy !req
77. - Is that good?
- Very good.Copy !req
78. Well, I think I did it.
I met the love of my life.Copy !req
79. I'd like you to meet her. Grendel?Copy !req
80. Grendel, I recognise...Copy !req
81. Grendel, I'd like you to meet
my best friend Matt.Copy !req
82. Oh, yes.Copy !req
83. Do you two know each other?Copy !req
84. No, no. No, no. No. No, no, no.Copy !req
85. Shut up! You're putting me off.Copy !req
86. No, no. Not me.Copy !req
87. No, no.Copy !req
88. No, not my type. Very nice though, yeah.Copy !req
89. Mmm, yeah.Copy !req
90. Whisky!Copy !req
91. Huh. Well.Copy !req
92. I wouldn't mind getting my hands
on a blonde like that.Copy !req
93. Very good. Very good.Copy !req
94. Good morning, gentlemen.Copy !req
95. Good morning.Copy !req
96. Apologies for being late.
I had a meeting with our local vicar...Copy !req
97. Oh... And he's asked meCopy !req
98. to perform a guest sermon next Sunday.Copy !req
99. - Well done.
- Isn't that an honour?Copy !req
100. Play the first clip, please, Felix.Copy !req
101. Hello, Mrs Granger, it's Malcolm again
from Meals on Wheels.Copy !req
102. Oh, I was hoping
it would be you, Malcolm.Copy !req
103. What have you got?Copy !req
104. Well, I've got hotpot and jam roll.Copy !req
105. Whatever are you doing, Mrs Granger?Copy !req
106. How do you fancy putting
your jam roll in my hotpot, Malcolm?Copy !req
107. Mrs Granger!Copy !req
108. There's 10 grand
in that biscuit tin, Malcolm.Copy !req
109. Think of all the scratch cards
you could buy with that.Copy !req
110. Well,Copy !req
111. Let's fuckin' hope
age does come before beauty.Copy !req
112. Are you gonna keep
your scarf on, Mrs Granger?Copy !req
113. Of course, I am. It's real mink.Copy !req
114. Oh, heavens.Copy !req
115. Oh, no.Copy !req
116. Oh, heaven. All right, Felix.Copy !req
117. Truly tragic. You know,
I saw a magpie yesterday.Copy !req
118. And I understand
they're also being wiped out.Copy !req
119. Really? Crying shame.Copy !req
120. - Isn't it just?
- What can you do?Copy !req
121. What can one do?Copy !req
122. What can one do?Copy !req
123. So, I don't know if I'm diving headfirstCopy !req
124. into this relationship
with Grendel or what,Copy !req
125. but it looks like this one
could be the one.Copy !req
126. But I don't want to rush into it.Copy !req
127. I mean, she's so beautiful.Copy !req
128. But she seems to be the only woman
not disgusted by my eye.Copy !req
129. I mean, I need somebody that's
not gonna puke every time she sees me.Copy !req
130. So I should marry her, right?Copy !req
131. Do you want to order food?Copy !req
132. Yeah, I guess I'll have
the rabbit omelette.Copy !req
133. Oh, I just farted.Copy !req
134. Sorry.Copy !req
135. What's this? Got anything else?Copy !req
136. All right, then?Copy !req
137. You'll need a mop.Copy !req
138. Hi, I want you to feel comfortable,
so please feel free to sitCopy !req
139. - anywhere you'd like.
- I'll sit here.Copy !req
140. I need to talk to you.Copy !req
141. Well, I need to talk to you.Copy !req
142. Okay.Copy !req
143. I need to get something off my chest.Copy !req
144. Well, jump right in!Copy !req
145. But you don't have to talk
if you don't want to.Copy !req
146. Well, it's my friend Rich.Copy !req
147. He's about to marry this girl
called Grendel.Copy !req
148. And I just know she's not right for him.Copy !req
149. Please continue.Copy !req
150. I'm intrigued!Copy !req
151. Okay, I'll get down to brass tacks.Copy !req
152. If he marries her, she gets her hands
on his royalty cheques.Copy !req
153. And I just can't let that happen.Copy !req
154. You do realise...Copy !req
155. You're going to have to talk
to your friend!Copy !req
156. Which is a terrible idea.Copy !req
157. Yeah, but I don't know what else to do.
He won't stop talking about her.Copy !req
158. I just know this will end terribly.Copy !req
159. You have to tackle this problem head-on!Copy !req
160. Leave the country.Copy !req
161. - What?
- Go to a cave for several years.Copy !req
162. Join a monastery.Copy !req
163. This is ridiculous. You're an idiot.
I know exactly what to do.Copy !req
164. Well, I know exactly what toCopy !req
165. do!Copy !req
166. Brad, cancel all my
appointments for today and, uhCopy !req
167. send in the next client!Copy !req
168. Oh, and Brad, if you're getting lunch,
I'll have a strawberry milkshake.Copy !req
169. Uh, make that rabbit!Copy !req
170. You're quite an enigma, sir.Copy !req
171. - Really?
- We have walked almost two milesCopy !req
172. and yet you have spoken but three words.Copy !req
173. Hmm.Copy !req
174. If I were bolder,
I'd say you were in love, sir.Copy !req
175. Ah, a swing!Copy !req
176. How charming.Copy !req
177. You made this, didn't you, Master Berry?Copy !req
178. I would be honoured if my ladyCopy !req
179. were to christen the rope
fully I have erected.Copy !req
180. Oh, yes.Copy !req
181. I say, over here!Copy !req
182. Sir, it's Rupert!Copy !req
183. Look, on the horse.Copy !req
184. Yoo-hoo!Copy !req
185. Hello!Copy !req
186. A friend of yours, I presume?Copy !req
187. My fiancé.Copy !req
188. Fuck you!Copy !req
189. Yahoo!Copy !req
190. I'll bet you rustlers are hungry,
aren't you?Copy !req
191. Yeah!Copy !req
192. Are you ready to partake
in the best all-you-can-eatCopy !req
193. western super-jumbo
all-you-can-eat buffet and fixins bar?Copy !req
194. Yeah!Copy !req
195. Hold on there. Before we go in
and fill our gizzards up,Copy !req
196. there are a few simple instructions
we're gonna have to follow.Copy !req
197. First, we can't all go stampedin'
to the buffet bar willy-nilly.Copy !req
198. That'd be against state
and federal regulations.Copy !req
199. Now, each of you has been given
a pre-designated numberCopy !req
200. you will find underneath your seats.Copy !req
201. Now, each number has a letter by it.Copy !req
202. All those with an A on their cardCopy !req
203. will proceed to the mashed potater lineCopy !req
204. right next to the Calamity Jane statue.Copy !req
205. All B's will go to the salad barCopy !req
206. that's southwest of the covered-wagon
sausage pit.Copy !req
207. Now, if you have a C,
you are a lucky cowpokeCopy !req
208. because you're going
to the Smoothie General StoreCopy !req
209. next to the Briar Rabbit.Copy !req
210. - Did he say rabbit?
- All right, everybody?Copy !req
211. Texas Willie ain't done yet.Copy !req
212. Each letter, once done
with its predesignated areaCopy !req
213. shall then proceed to the area
two letters above.Copy !req
214. Therefore, mashed potater people
will go to the Smoothie General Store.Copy !req
215. Now, is everybody ready to eat
some of the best grubCopy !req
216. this side of Pecos County?Copy !req
217. Hold on! Just three more rules!Copy !req
218. Dipshit!Copy !req
219. I'm gonna grab me a rabbit.Copy !req
220. I might go to the cinema this evening.Copy !req
221. You know those two air hostesses?Copy !req
222. They asked me if we fancied a game
of mixed doubles tomorrow.Copy !req
223. Have you seen my reading glasses?Copy !req
224. Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
225. You can see I'm blind, you bastard!Copy !req
226. You do it on fuckin' purpose!Copy !req
227. I thought you were a friend.Copy !req
228. - Where are you going?
- I gotta piss.Copy !req
229. Don't wake Quickfinch!Copy !req
230. Shh.Copy !req
231. To blow that trumpet would be
the last foolish thingCopy !req
232. you would ever achieve, Wormwood.Copy !req
233. Ah, Mr Rich.
What the hell happened to you?Copy !req
234. - Well, I started...
- Don't tell me.Copy !req
235. You visited the Blue Leopard
during happy hour.Copy !req
236. Ha. Funny as my crotch.Copy !req
237. Actually, you wouldn't just nip off
for some...Copy !req
238. Oh, yes, sir.Copy !req
239. - As you were, sir.
- Well,Copy !req
240. last night I was making beer
from one of those homemade brew kitsCopy !req
241. that Matt gave me for Christmas.Copy !req
242. And I guess I drank a half pint
that was still fermenting.Copy !req
243. 'Cause next thing you know,
I saw all these bright lightsCopy !req
244. and my eye was stinging like shit!Copy !req
245. And now I can't see out of this eye.Copy !req
246. I'm half blind.Copy !req
247. Sir Charles.Copy !req
248. Sir Charles!Copy !req
249. Sir fucking Charles!Copy !req
250. I'm half blind!Copy !req
251. Indeed.Copy !req
252. Tell me, Mr Rich,Copy !req
253. how long does it take the Earth
to rotate around the sun?Copy !req
254. A year?Copy !req
255. Excellent.Copy !req
256. Fuck nuts!Copy !req
257. How the hell did you do that?Copy !req
258. You're like
some magic wizard magician guy.Copy !req
259. Sir Charles, how do I ever repay you?Copy !req
260. The pleasure's all mine, sir.Copy !req
261. Talking of pleasure,
two twins and a snake?Copy !req
262. Any preferences?Copy !req
263. Wow. I'll take the snake!Copy !req
264. I'm a great kisser.Copy !req
265. I say, I have a snake
that would put that to shame.Copy !req
266. You want to see it? Mmm, yes you do.Copy !req
267. Could you imagine if Neil Kinnock
was in a film with Al Pacino?Copy !req
268. It would suck! Like you, man!Copy !req
269. You suck!Copy !req
270. You suck!Copy !req
271. Really?Copy !req
272. Okay, forget that.Copy !req
273. What bugs me,
what really, really bugs me...Copy !req
274. Is that I'm a retard!Copy !req
275. I'm a retard who sucks!Copy !req
276. You suck, man!Copy !req
277. I'm a retard.Copy !req
278. You suck!Copy !req
279. Guess what?Copy !req
280. You suck!Copy !req
281. Hey, where'd you get
those wheels? Daytona?Copy !req
282. Five cars ridin' round a track!Copy !req
283. Go, go, go!Copy !req
284. You call that playing football, man?Copy !req
285. You suck!Copy !req
286. Shut up!Copy !req
287. No, you shut up.Copy !req
288. Hey, nice gay music!Copy !req
289. Which one of you's king of the gay lords?Copy !req
290. Do you want a smack in the mouth, pal?Copy !req
291. No, but maybe you could play for me
some Judy Garland.Copy !req
292. See you later, gays.Copy !req
293. Maybe at the Gay Pride... Oh, I suck.Copy !req
294. Never to late to pretend, my love.Copy !req
295. Never too late to say I'm sorry.Copy !req
296. Everything goes darkCopy !req
297. I mean, the song's fine.
It would take care of itself,Copy !req
298. but what are we gonna wear
on Top of the Pops?Copy !req
299. What? Our clothes?Copy !req
300. - Who gives a shit?
- I do.Copy !req
301. We're not getting any younger.
I mean, you're not, and that's for sure.Copy !req
302. I got a couple years' grace at a push,Copy !req
303. but you're almost fucked,
wouldn't you say?Copy !req
304. Well, I'm no Phil Collins,
but I do my best.Copy !req
305. Yeah? Well, your best may not cut
the mustard, mon ami.Copy !req
306. I don't need this shit.Copy !req
307. Neither do I. I gotta piss.Copy !req
308. Never too... too late.Copy !req
309. Too late.Copy !req
310. That was quick.Copy !req
311. Word of advice. It's the one
without the shoes on the end.Copy !req
312. You haven't changed.Copy !req
313. Holy fuck! Adam Ant.Copy !req
314. Jesus, how long has it been?Copy !req
315. Two years?Copy !req
316. Thirty-five. You been back to Dartmoor?Copy !req
317. No, no, not voluntarily. You?Copy !req
318. No!Copy !req
319. Hey, that Prince Charming number
is great.Copy !req
320. And the kids love the pirate shit.Copy !req
321. Tell me about it.Copy !req
322. Hey, listen, uh,
I'm worried about my friend Matt.Copy !req
323. You know, we're on
Top of the Pops tomorrow.Copy !req
324. Anyhoo, he dresses like shit.Copy !req
325. Could you have a word with him?Copy !req
326. Yeah, of course.Copy !req
327. Thing is, he's as touchy as an actressCopy !req
328. so try and be constructive, okay?Copy !req
329. Right. Let's get back to work.
Who's the pirate?Copy !req
330. Don't call him a pirate. He's a pop star.Copy !req
331. - Mmm.
- 'Ello, shipmate.Copy !req
332. Your friend tells me
you're on Top of the Pops tomorrow.Copy !req
333. - Congratulations.
- Thanks.Copy !req
334. Word of advice.
Do you own any other suits?Copy !req
335. No one does that Perry Como look
any more.Copy !req
336. Perry Como!Copy !req
337. Okay, so I'm taking fashion advice
from Long John Silver.Copy !req
338. Okay, now, my dick headed friend
may think you're coolCopy !req
339. with your fancy dress.
I think you look like Captain Birdseye.Copy !req
340. And if you wanna grab hold
of my cat-o'-nine-tailsCopy !req
341. I suggest you walk the fucking plank,
n'est-ce pas?Copy !req
342. Don't go!Copy !req
343. Prince Charming!Copy !req
344. Do you realise what you just did?
That was Adam Ant!Copy !req
345. You asked Adam Ant to walk the plank!
He's a pirate!Copy !req
346. You don't ask a pirate to walk the plank!Copy !req
347. Well, what do you ask a pirate?Copy !req
348. "Arr, can I have a biscuit?"Copy !req
349. - What a dickhead!
- I thought he was your pal.Copy !req
350. Oh, we just shared a cell.Copy !req
351. Never too late to say I'm sorry.Copy !req
352. Never to late to pretend, my love.Copy !req
353. Everything goes dark!Copy !req
354. Arr.Copy !req
355. - Matt.
- What?Copy !req
356. I'm gonna do it.Copy !req
357. What, go for a piss?
Well, you know where it is.Copy !req
358. No, I'm gonna take the plunge.
I'm gonna marry Grendel tomorrow.Copy !req
359. Good God, man,
you've just met the woman.Copy !req
360. I know, but when it's right, it's right.Copy !req
361. And I want you to invite everyone I know
to the wedding.Copy !req
362. - Just me, then?
- No.Copy !req
363. I also invited your dad.
It's a shame you two don't...Copy !req
364. Now, why would you do
a stupid thing like that?Copy !req
365. Hey, go easy, Rambo.Copy !req
366. What's the big deal, anyway?Copy !req
367. Really, Berry, you know the rules.Copy !req
368. Whisky!Copy !req
369. Uh, maybe we should talk
about the hors d'oeuvres.Copy !req
370. Does pheasant go with rabbit?Copy !req
371. Let's discuss.Copy !req
372. Or maybe deer goes better
with rabbit. I don't know.Copy !req
373. Anyhoo, thanks
for this great stag night, Matt.Copy !req
374. You're really making my marriage
something special.Copy !req
375. Just about there.Copy !req
376. You're the best friend I've ever had.Copy !req
377. When I came to London,
I was real lonely.Copy !req
378. I didn't know what I would have done
if I hadn't have metted you.Copy !req
379. What?Copy !req
380. Oh, nothing.Copy !req
381. Good.Copy !req
382. Hey, this is that song.Copy !req
383. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll admit,
this is a classic riff.Copy !req
384. Hey, check me out.Copy !req
385. That's more of a bass, you idiot.Copy !req
386. Who gives a shit? I'm jammin'.Copy !req
387. No, look, see what I'm doing?Copy !req
388. I'm using the right chords.Copy !req
389. C7 back to F.Copy !req
390. No. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
391. There's no way a guitar that small
could emit such a classic sound.Copy !req
392. Now you're just being an arsehole.Copy !req
393. And I quit the band.Copy !req
394. Fine. I'll go solo.Copy !req
395. Hey, check this out.Copy !req
396. Yeah. Jam it!Copy !req
397. Treat it like a Russian jumbo jet, huh?Copy !req
398. Whoo, take it to prison.Copy !req
399. Huh?Copy !req
400. Read it like a book. I'm on chapter 20.Copy !req
401. Ooh, baby!Copy !req
402. Yeah! Matt, are you dead?Copy !req
403. To your good health, Mr Rich.Copy !req
404. Fuck!Copy !req
405. Fuck!Copy !req
406. Ken, I am starting to freak.
Where is Matt?Copy !req
407. And Grendel? And Matt's dad?
What am I gonna do?Copy !req
408. I think you need a drink, Mr Rich.Copy !req
409. Thanks, Ken. You're the best.Copy !req
410. - Yeah!
- All right?Copy !req
411. Rich, may I introduce Matt's dad?Copy !req
412. John Halliday Berry.Copy !req
413. Wait, you're Matt's dad?Copy !req
414. Made a dreadful mistake in Bangkok
30 years ago.Copy !req
415. - But Matt hates you.
- And I hate him.Copy !req
416. But what doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.Copy !req
417. Whisky!Copy !req
418. Where is the little bastard anyway?Copy !req
419. I don't know, but he better get here soon.Copy !req
420. He's got my fucking ring.Copy !req
421. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
422. That's the ticket. Oh, yes.Copy !req
423. Nearly at the station. Oh, yes.Copy !req
424. One stop.Copy !req
425. Look out.Copy !req
426. Oh, shit.Copy !req
427. Just like Charles.Copy !req
428. Just a bit of fun.Copy !req
429. Yeah.Copy !req
430. I can't be in love if it's plastic.Copy !req
431. To live on my own just seems tragic.Copy !req
432. But we'll raise our swords high
when our day comes.Copy !req
433. You thought it was gold but it was bronze.Copy !req
434. So, get here in time when our day comes.Copy !req
435. You thought it was gold but it was bronze.Copy !req
436. Get here in time when our day comes.Copy !req
437. You thought it was gold but it was bronze.Copy !req
438. Get here in time when our day comes.Copy !req
439. You thought it was gold but it was bronze.Copy !req
440. Get here in time when our day comesCopy !req
441. #You thought it was gold
but it was bronze.Copy !req
442. Get here in time when our day comes.Copy !req
443. You thought it was gold but it was bronze.Copy !req
444. Get here in time when our day comes.Copy !req
445. You thought it was gold but it was bronzeCopy !req