1. You stupid asshole. You'll say anything.
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2. You still driving that stolen Jag?
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3. Yeah, well, Rich is actually with me,
so I'll let him know when I hang up.
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4. Did you get into Windsor Castle?
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5. No. Well, they invited me,
but I said no.
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6. Okay, listen, I'm going underground,
so I'm gonna have to hang up. Bye.
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7. That was Iqbal. He's invited us
to drinks at his on Saturday.
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8. Cool I live just
around the corner from him.
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9. - There's something else he said.
- Uh-huh?
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10. Your dog, uh,
you've got a golden retriever?
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11. - With a...
- Silver bell around his neck.
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12. That's right,
and one ear that goes up...
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13. And the other one goes down,
and the paws go like this.
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14. He's so cute.
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15. Yeah, well, it's dead.
Iqbal's just ran over it,
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16. on his way to get some scratch cards.
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17. No.
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18. That's terrible.
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19. Not according to him. He won a tenner.
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20. Get inside and shut the door.
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21. That's the cunt.
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22. What?
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23. I can't be in love if it's plastic
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24. To live on my own just seems tragic
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25. But we'll raise our swords high
when our day comes
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26. You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
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27. So, get here in time
when our day comes
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28. You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
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29. My name is Rich
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30. and I live in the underwater
kingdom of Atlantis.
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31. My name is Rich
and it's my birthday today.
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32. It's my birthday today.
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33. Your mail, sir.
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34. It's my birthday today, Ken.
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35. Oh boy,
are those all my birthday cards?
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36. - No.
- Oh.
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37. Oh, my aching balls.
My brother's flying in.
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38. Today.
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39. Well, he's not staying here.
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40. Oh, no, I wouldn't want him to.
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41. Good. What's he like,
this brother of yours?
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42. You know how you
used to call me a prick?
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43. I never stopped calling you a prick.
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44. Well, this guy is King Pricko
of Pricksburgh, Cockachusetts.
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45. I mean, this guy is
ten times worse than me.
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46. Can you imagine that?
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47. Woo! Let's party!
I'm in fucking London town!
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48. Yes, and you happen to be in my cab.
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49. - Where you going to, lady?
- Piccadilly Circus, please.
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50. Hey, what a fucking coinkidinki
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51. That's where I'm going, sister!
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52. I'm not your sister.
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53. Yeah, well, I ain't your brother,
either, but after a couple of these,
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54. you'll be calling me Daddy.
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55. See what I mean?
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56. Yes.
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57. Oh. Anne!
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58. Is the green light on?
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59. Course it is. It was the first thing
I tried, you dozy mare.
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60. You've buggered it.
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61. Well, don't get so angry,
I'll call the repair guy.
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62. - Elvis?
- So, Saturday, how about you and me
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63. - and a jumbo peanut butter pizza?
- Elvis.
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64. Hmm. I gotta go.
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65. See you in my dreams.
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66. Hi, little lady.
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67. Howdy.
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68. Mmm. Hi there.
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69. Hi, Elvis. The printer keeps jamming.
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70. Gotcha. Stand back, everybody.
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71. Ooh, fancy that.
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72. Thanks, Elvis.
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73. Thank you very little.
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74. Bye, lad.
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75. Morning, gentlemen.
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76. - Morning.
- Apologies for being late.
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77. I suggest we crack on.
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78. Could you run
the first clip, please, Felix?
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79. Goddamnit, this is the
fucking best, mama!
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80. Mama, I can't sleep.
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81. What's he doing to you, Mama?
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82. Hey, come in, Pat. It's my boy
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83. I can't stop, baby
it's too fucking good.
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84. Oh, Ed,
you're the devil and no mistake.
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85. - But we gotta stop.
- Hey
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86. Why don't we let him watch?
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87. Oh!
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88. What the fuck was that?
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89. That's my dog.
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90. Oh, good God.
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91. Oh, well
Alright, Felix, that's enough.
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92. Well, I've never seen
anything like that.
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93. Not good.
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94. No. No.
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95. No.
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96. Must be something in the water.
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97. What do you mean?
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98. Looks like my brother's coming to stay.
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99. Wow.
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100. What a coinkidink.
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101. Is he the one you said
had a special problem?
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102. Yeah.
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103. Are you gonna take care of him?
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104. No, that's my mother's job.
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105. Now, remember, James,
don't take no guff from your brother.
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106. Make sure he looks after you.
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107. Don't worry, Mum,
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108. my brother loves me
and will look after me.
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109. Do you understand?
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110. What?
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111. Thing is, Rich, he's 80% deaf.
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112. And with disability
comes responsibility.
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113. And if I'm honest,
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114. I can't be arsed, n'est-ce pas?
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115. Uh, yeah, oui, oui.
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116. Sir, there are two gentlemen to see you.
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117. Oh, tell me that's not true.
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118. Geez Louise!
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119. Hey, bro, did somebody
fucking die in here or what?
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120. Where's the Queen
and her faggoty-ass son?
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121. - Huh?
- Is this a birthday surprise?
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122. What? Whose birthday?
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123. - Nobody.
- Hey, bro,
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124. I sat on a goddamn plane
for 12 goddamn hours
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125. to come here and goddamn party!
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126. Let's get some broads and
booze the fuck out of this place!
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127. Yeah! Woo! I gotta piss.
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128. Pleasant trip?
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129. - What?
- Pleasant trip?
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130. Oh, forget it.
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131. This is what I mean.
It's a pain in the arse.
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132. If I don't say anything, he won't.
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133. And we could be sat here for hours.
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134. Wow, he's like one of them zombies.
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135. Man, my throat's
as dry as a gorilla's asshole.
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136. Sir, may I get you
something from the bar?
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137. Yeah, Manuel, you can get me a cattle
prod to zap some life into this place!
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138. Yeah, and get me a big glass full of ice
and fill it with these.
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139. Yeah!
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140. Very well, sir. And young man?
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141. Young man, would you like a drink?
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142. Can I stink?
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143. He'll have milk.
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144. I say, the fucking drinks machine's
on the blink. Anne!
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145. Did you put money in it?
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146. Course I put money in it.
Don't ask such daft questions, woman!
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147. I think the maintenance guy's here,
I'll give him a call
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148. See that you do!
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149. See, your eyes, baby, your eyes
are the gateway to your soul
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150. Charlie! Mr Manson, are you there?
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151. Listen, I gotta go.
Hold that thought, buttercup.
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152. What the hell do you want?
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153. Hi, Charlie.
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154. The coffee machine's on the blink again.
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155. Stand the shit back!
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156. That's like magic.
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157. - Thanks, Charlie.
- You can pay me in hell!
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158. Bye, lad.
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159. Fuck this shit.
Fuck this shit!
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160. Drink, motherfucker,
drink, motherfucker,
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161. drink, motherfucker, drink!
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162. I'll drink in my own time,
thank you very much.
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163. I don't need any advice from you.
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164. Mmm, party!
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165. Woo! Yeah, man!
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166. Why don't you just bugger off,
you spotted denizen of pond life.
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167. Put your money down, don't be a clown.
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168. Hey, find the ace, find the ace.
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169. Right here, motherfucker,
you owe me five, or a drink.
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170. - Drink, motherfucker!
- Look at those two pricks.
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171. Yeah.
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172. Two more. Alright.
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173. You know, last Christmas, I vowed
never to speak to my brother again.
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174. Why, what did he do?
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175. He threatened to kill
our family cat, Mr Winkie,
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176. if I didn't give him $40,000.
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177. Then, he threatened to kill me.
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178. So, you let him kill the cat, obviously.
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179. No, Matt, I couldn't.
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180. I couldn't.
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181. Until I came to London, that cat was
the only goddamn friend I had.
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182. Really.
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183. He holds quite a grudge,
this brother of yours.
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184. Yeah. I shit you not.
He's the reason why I'm so broke.
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185. Explain.
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186. Well, I could only pay half the
$40,000 to not kill the cat,
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187. so the next day, he put my Mr Winkie
in the dishwasher.
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188. So, there really is more than one way
to skin a cat.
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189. - You can be so fucking cruel
- Yeah.
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190. The only reason he came over here
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191. was to collect the rest of the money,
which he knows I don't have,
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192. or to kill me.
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193. I'm a marked man.
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194. I'm gonna snap his neck.
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195. Seems that way.
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196. I gotta piss.
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197. Wrong door!
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198. That's it, old boy, in your own time.
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199. Well, don't be hesitant.
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200. Come on!
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201. Ah, Mr Rich. How nice to see you.
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202. We'll resume this later.
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203. Wormwood, you wouldn't just...
Pick up some...
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204. It would be a pleasure, sir.
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205. Good man.
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206. Now, what seems to be the problem
with you this evening, Mr Rich?
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207. It's my brother, sir.
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208. I think he wants to kill me.
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209. Do you have any proof?
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210. Well, he just came to visit me in London
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211. and he never travels anywhere
unless he wants to kill someone.
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212. He once drove 500 miles
Just to bite the head off a dog.
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213. - For ten bucks.
- Really?
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214. Mr Rich, would you touch
the eye of the salamander?
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215. Sure.
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216. Hey, this feels weird.
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217. What does it do?
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218. Absolutely nothing.
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219. It's just a bit of fun.
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220. This is a snuff box.
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221. One pinch of snuff, and I promise your
brother will be putty in your hands,
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222. as I believe the young people
of London are saying these days.
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223. Thanks, Your Eminence.
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224. Hey, can I stick this up his butt?
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225. Uh... Oh.
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226. Vulgarity. Yes.
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227. Hello, boys.
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228. Oh, Wormwood,
you have let yourself down.
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229. I do apologise, Mr Rich.
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230. There seems to be something of a drought
in Whitechapel this winter evening.
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231. That's okay.
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232. They remind me of my grandma.
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233. Plus, I'm a great kisser.
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234. - Come here.
- Oh, darling.
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235. Wormwood, where the hell
do you think you're going?
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236. We've got a game to play. Sit down.
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237. That's it.
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238. As you were, sir.
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239. Fabulous, yes.
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240. What else you got to offer, sweetheart?
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241. - Let's have a look.
- What is that?
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242. - Good morning, Mr Fulcher.
- Hi.
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243. - How did you sleep?
- Well, it's the same old problem.
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244. I'm still tired.
And my neck hurts like a rancid beast.
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245. Well, I think that by viewing your
sleep patterns on this monitor here,
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246. you might get a better idea
of what's been causing the problems.
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247. Okay.
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248. Hey, that's me!
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249. Yes, that's correct.
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250. Now, at hour one, you seem fine.
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251. A little tossing and turning here
and there, but that's normal
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252. Is that normal?
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253. I just said that.
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254. Oh.
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255. But watch what happens at hour two.
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256. Wow.
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257. You don't remember this happening?
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258. No.
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259. What about this?
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260. Wow.
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261. - Geez.
- And this?
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262. Shit nuts.
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263. - What about this?
- Oh, loose forehand.
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264. My mind's a blank.
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265. Really, you have
no memory of this at all?
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266. Uh-uh.
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267. You were sleepwalking around the bed,
which is rare,
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268. but then you started doing gymnastics.
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269. Wow. I'm really good.
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270. You don't remember doing any of this?
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271. No. I mean, I remember having
this dream about a bear,
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272. but this is all weird.
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273. Well, that might explain this.
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274. Oh, I'm a bear.
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275. I've really never
seen anything like it.
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276. Wow.
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277. Do you think this means that...
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278. Wait. There's more.
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279. I'm going to have to present this
to the Board of Sleeping Disorders.
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280. This is absolutely incredible.
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281. In all of my time of studying sleep,
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282. I have to say that
I've never seen anything like...
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283. You didn't go to sleep at all, did you?
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284. Nope. Grrrr.
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285. I'm a bear. Grrr.
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286. Get out.
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287. Hey, check out the birthday boy's watch.
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288. Yeah, you like it? It's pretty cool
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289. Absolutely. A present from
your sister, am I right?
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290. Oh, no. It was from
Ricky from The Office, you know?
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291. - Oh, right.
- Yeah.
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292. My sis said she
would call later, though.
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293. Hey, it's 2pm.
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294. It's actually 8am.
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295. Oh.
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296. Okay, birthday or not,
we've got a serious job to do.
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297. - Mmm.
- Are you ready?
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298. Yes.
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299. - Are you focused?
- Mmm-hmm.
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300. Surprise!
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301. Happy birthday to you
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302. Happy birthday to you
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303. Happy birthday to Rich
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304. Happy birthday to you
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305. Oh, man. You assholes.
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306. Who told you guys?
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307. Who do you fucking think?
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308. Did you tell 'em?
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309. Well, it may have been.
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310. Are we going
for a pig's ear after this, or what?
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311. What's a pig's ear?
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312. It means a beer. Do you fancy a beer?
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313. Hell, yeah!
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314. Of course he fucking does.
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315. Can't have a birthday
without getting arseholed.
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316. Ah!
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317. Christ, he got a reprieve.
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318. Should I answer it?
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319. If you would.
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320. Good morning, Home Secretary,
this is Rich Fulcher,
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321. first assistant to the hangman.
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322. Sis?
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323. How the hell
did you get this number?
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324. - Oh, my God.
- It's his sister.
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325. Happy birthday to me, too.
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326. Hey, you guys,
go on without me.
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327. Yeah, I was surprised.
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328. Yeah, we just came in,
they sang that song. The birthday song.
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329. Yeah, and they had poppers
and everything.
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330. And I think we're gonna
go out for a pig's ear later.
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331. That's a beer.
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332. No, I've never had a beer.
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333. - So, do you still like to farm?
- Woo, woo, woo. C'mon, he's dead.
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334. - Woo, woo, woo.
- Oh.
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335. Hey, listen, the guy's brown bread
so we gotta go.
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336. Alright.
So, thanks, Sis, I'll talk to you later.
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337. Yeah, yeah, come on.
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338. Come on, let's get down
the rub-a-dub, the rub-a-dub.
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339. And who should appear
but Margaret Thatcher?
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340. Yeah, alright!
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341. Man, this dude is awesome.
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342. We're gonna be partying in here a lot
when I move in with you.
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343. Alright,
I've got one for you.
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344. What about white dog shit?
You remember white dog shit?
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345. Yeah! It's true!
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346. Yeah, I've got a bit of a theory
where that's concerned.
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347. I think there's some
white dogshit police
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348. that go out at night
and pick this stuff up.
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349. Fuck the shit police, man!
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350. He's with you, is he? Yeah.
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351. I'm gonna sing a song.
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352. This song is called
Why Does My Bathroom Leak?
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353. - Woo! Yeah!
- It goes a bit like this.
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354. Alright! Take it home!
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355. Buy it some flowers!
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356. Yeah, can I play?
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357. I'm not playing.
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358. Yeah, lick it!
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359. Go farmin' with it!
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360. Come on, beat it with a stick!
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361. Oh, shit, I went too far.
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362. Here, take this.
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363. That's good shit.
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364. What is that, Cuban?
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365. Please. Please let me through.
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366. For the love of God!
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367. This is an accident scene, sir.
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368. Are you dying to try a Mingo?
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369. Mingo. Luxury chocolate
that's just so satisfying.
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370. Available in the foyer.
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371. Much of a muchness. Any comments?
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372. Pretty mild, if you ask me.
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373. Oh, yes?
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374. My wife died in a motorcycle
accident only last week.
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375. There was much more blood than that.
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376. Next clip, please, Felix.
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377. Ooh, who could that be?
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378. Hello, my name's DC Lyons.
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379. I was wondering if I could ask you and
your family a couple of questions?
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380. Oh, you've come
about my son's stolen bike.
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381. Uh, yeah.
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382. Well,
it's quite fortunate,
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383. because today happens to be
my mother's 80th birthday,
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384. so all of my family are here.
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385. Oh, that's nice.
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386. - This is Uncle Jack.
- Hello, sir.
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387. - Auntie Pearl.
- Hello.
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388. Mum, I didn't think policemen
carried machine guns.
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389. Yeah?
Well, this one fucking does.
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390. What a mess.
I'd hate to be the maid.
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391. - Yes!
- The maid.
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392. Very good.
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393. Fucking wasps.
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394. Oh, my God.
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395. Dear Lord.
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396. Oh, no.
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397. Alright, Felix.
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398. That's ruined it.
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399. Will not be passed.
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400. On a lighter note, tell me more
about your wife's death.
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401. Oh, yes. Well, she runs straight into
a tree head first...
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402. Now, it's very rare for an artist
to top the pop parade
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403. as well as the classical charts,
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404. but this incredible vocalist has
succeeded in doing just that.
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405. Now, James,
what I find amazing about you
Copy !req
406. is that you're 80% deaf.
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407. So, when you're playing or composing
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408. you're really just tuning in
to the vibrations that you can feel
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409. Is that correct?
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410. Yes!
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411. Now, this increasingly popular
debut album was recorded in LA
Copy !req
412. and as you were telling me earlier,
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413. it's already become
a bestseller in France and Spain.
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414. France and Spain!
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415. And you're self-taught, aren't you?
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416. I mean, you're a multi-instrumentalist,
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417. you make all of the sounds yourself.
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418. I'm self-taught!
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419. So, now,
recorded earlier this afternoon,
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420. a live, one-off Whistle Test special
Copy !req
421. of the second movement
from this best selling album.
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422. I hope you enjoy it.
Copy !req
423. So, I went to uni in Warwick
and studied Fine Art,
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424. which was just superb,
absolutely loved it.
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425. Ended up coming to London.
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426. And now I work as a curator in a museum,
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427. which is just... Oh! I can't tell you,
I'm so happy to go to work everyday.
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428. Sorry. Anyway. Oh, my God.
I'm doing all the talking.
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429. Tell me about yourself.
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430. Apart from being teetotal,
I don't know anything about you.
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431. Um, I sell rope to the government.
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432. My God, that's so cool!
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433. Mainly to prisons.
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434. Right, yeah, of course.
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435. Uh, the hours, they suit me.
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436. - The money...
- What sort of like a part-time basis?
Copy !req
437. Hey. Hey, don't I know
you from somewhere?
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438. I don't think so, no.
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439. You play organised softball, don't you?
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440. No.
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441. - Paint ball
- Not me.
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442. Kickboxing.
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443. No.
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444. I swear I know you from... I got it.
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445. You raped me.
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446. That's right.
This guy raped me.
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447. I beg your pardon?
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448. This guy,
I was about to get my car in Holborn,
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449. he was bombed out of his skull
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450. He raped me in my own car.
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451. I'm sorry, this has
gotta be some kind of mistake.
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452. Oh, no mistake.
And then he dragged me into the alley,
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453. he raped me there, right?
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454. And then he said something like
"third time lucky'
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455. and then he raped me in the park.
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456. Okay, okay, that's enough.
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457. That's what I said. "That's enough!"
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458. But he bent me over
and he kept ramming it home.
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459. Ramming it home.
Ramming it, ramming it, ramming it.
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460. The only time he stopped,
was to take a swig of whisky.
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461. And then he kept ramming it,
ramming it, ramming it.
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462. Anyway, I see you two are on a date.
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463. So, listen, it was nice to see you.
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464. If you, uh, ever
want to get in touch, uh...
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465. There you go.
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466. So, the rabbit soup here...
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467. Whisky?
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468. I thought you said you didn't drink.
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469. Whisky!
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470. Who the fuck's
changed me password?
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471. Anne!
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472. See?
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473. Well, did you try turning it off
then on again?
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474. Course I did, you dizzy piece.
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475. That was the first thing I tried.
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476. Well, I'll call Beckham, our IT guy.
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477. I like to draw pictures
of The Lion King and maybe...
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478. David. David.
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479. Back in a minute.
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480. Give over!
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481. Hiya.
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482. Hiya.
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483. Hiya.
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484. Hi, David, thanks.
We've got a password problem.
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485. Right.
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486. Stand back, everybody.
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487. - Oh!
- Ooh.
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488. Thanks, David.
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489. No worries.
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490. Mind how you go, lad. Think on.
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491. Hiya.
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492. Hiya.
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493. What?
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494. I didn't say anything, you prick.
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495. Shall I tell you how Mum's doing?
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496. No, thanks.
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497. Oh, she's doing fine, thanks.
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498. She's joined a gun club.
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499. Excellent.
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500. Excellent.
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501. Gentlemen, I'm going to the bar.
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502. Can I freshen anyone's drinks?
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503. Sure, bro.
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504. I'll have a vodka and coffee.
Hold the salt.
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505. Whisky!
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506. Tres bien.
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507. As you gentlemen know,
I'm off to the States in the morning
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508. to open a home for wayward cats.
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509. - Ooh.
- I just wanted to say,
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510. I've enjoyed your company immensely.
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511. And I love the Queen.
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512. Bye, James. Give my love to our Mum.
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513. And, James... I love you.
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514. Wow. Did he hear all that?
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515. Course he fucking didn't.
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516. Boy, Sir Charles really
saved my ass this time.
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517. - Cheers, Charles.
- Cheers, Chuck.
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518. I can't be in love if it's plastic
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519. To live on my own just seems tragic
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520. But we'll raise our swords high
when our day comes
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521. You thought it was gold,
but it was bronze
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522. So get here in time
when our day comes
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523. You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
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524. Get here in time when our day comes
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525. You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
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526. Yeah!
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527. In the Snuff Box next time...
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528. Music...
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529. Everything went dark
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530. ladies,
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531. variety and pleasure.
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532. So if I should die of smallpox
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533. Put my remains in my snuff box
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534. So if I should die of smallpox
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535. Put my remains in my snuff box
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