1. Hey, Matt, how come you don't have
any female friends?Copy !req
2. What?Copy !req
3. You know, friends that don't feel like
men when you rub them.Copy !req
4. - What are you driving at?
- Nothing. I was just saying...Copy !req
5. Yeah? Well, if I was you
I'd watch my tongue.Copy !req
6. - Anyway, what's the point?
- Well, you know, Matt,Copy !req
7. women have a lot of
different perspectives on lifeCopy !req
8. and a unique emotional intelligence that
their male counterparts don't possess.Copy !req
9. Really?Copy !req
10. I read that in Cosmo magazine.
It was the only one they had at the vet.Copy !req
11. See, I couldn't afford a dentist, and
my tooth is as big as a rabbit's foot.Copy !req
12. Some say that's...Copy !req
13. - After you.
- No, after you.Copy !req
14. - I insist.
- After you.Copy !req
15. Adios.Copy !req
16. Dickhead.Copy !req
17. Hey, do you girls read Cosmo? I do.Copy !req
18. So he's climbing up this ladder,
gets to the very top.Copy !req
19. His fingers fall off, loses his balance
and falls into the fish tank.Copy !req
20. To which the Irish guy says,Copy !req
21. "So, does that mean
you're not the Pope?"Copy !req
22. Okay, I've got one.
Speaking of fish, as we were.Copy !req
23. A man walks into a fish and chips shop,
says, "I'll have fish and chips twice."Copy !req
24. And the bloke behind the counter says...Copy !req
25. "I heard you the first time."Copy !req
26. Good one, Mr Rich.Copy !req
27. Speaking of fish, as we were,Copy !req
28. this blind man goes to a brothel,
right, and he...Copy !req
29. He doesn't finish Ken's punchlineCopy !req
30. and then he just bursts
straight into mine.Copy !req
31. After all I've done for him...Copy !req
32. Introduced him to the club,
fed him whisky and women.Copy !req
33. Who the hell does he think he is?Copy !req
34. I may have to kill him.Copy !req
35. right? So he takes
one long sniff and he goes...Copy !req
36. "Hello, ladies."Copy !req
37. You can't half tell them,
Mr Rich. Okay, okay.Copy !req
38. What did the fish say
when it swam into a cement wall?Copy !req
39. "Dam!"Copy !req
40. You're a funny dude, Ken.Copy !req
41. All right, you couple of
joking brothers, I've got one.Copy !req
42. What did the thirsty whale do?Copy !req
43. - Dunno.
- No?Copy !req
44. - He bit the tail off a submarine...
- And sucked out all the seamen!Copy !req
45. You! You! You!Copy !req
46. That man has just signed
his own death warrant.Copy !req
47. He is now officially a dead man.Copy !req
48. That's right, dead. You heard me. Dead.Copy !req
49. What? Yes, dead.Copy !req
50. Consider him dead. Oh, he's dead.
Definitely dead.Copy !req
51. You! You! You!Copy !req
52. You!Copy !req
53. Hi. I was told to come back on Wednesday
to pick up the silver cowboy boots.Copy !req
54. And who asked you to do that?Copy !req
55. - Whomever I spoke to on the phone.
- Did you get a name?Copy !req
56. No, I didn't.
What is this, déjà-fucking-vu?Copy !req
57. You want to cool your jets, big man.Copy !req
58. And watch your language
while you're up there.Copy !req
59. Is it just my face, or...Copy !req
60. Every time I walk into a shop
to hand over money,Copy !req
61. all I receive is backchat
and ball-ache.Copy !req
62. If you feel let down,
you're more than welcomeCopy !req
63. to try somewhere else
for your silver cowboy boots.Copy !req
64. I don't want to look elsewhere.
I just want the silver cowboy boots!Copy !req
65. Hell's teeth, man!Copy !req
66. Slam your fist down in front of me one
more time and see what happens, wee man.Copy !req
67. Okay.Copy !req
68. This is your Get Out Of Shop Free card.Copy !req
69. Or, you can slam your fist down again
and enter another world.Copy !req
70. Fucking...Copy !req
71. No, no, no!Copy !req
72. Mmm...Copy !req
73. Oh, hi. The therapist
is going to see you now.Copy !req
74. Good.Copy !req
75. - How do you do?
- Hi.Copy !req
76. I want you to feel
as comfortable as possible,Copy !req
77. so please, feel free to
sit anywhere you'd like.Copy !req
78. Okay, thanks.Copy !req
79. I'd really like you to sit on the sofa.Copy !req
80. Okay, so, the thing is, my girlfriend...Copy !req
81. Feel free to start at any time.Copy !req
82. Okay, so, the thing is,Copy !req
83. I can't seem to shake this overall fear
I have of commitment to one woman.Copy !req
84. The moment I find something meaningful,
I just want to destroy it or run away.Copy !req
85. - Exactly.
- Right.Copy !req
86. You're so open and free
with your girlfriendCopy !req
87. that it's causing you
to be closed and constricted.Copy !req
88. - Is that good?
- It's so good, it's bad.Copy !req
89. I'm not following.
You're saying my problem with...Copy !req
90. You need to stop talking.Copy !req
91. Go on.Copy !req
92. Right. Well, maybe I'm fearful of
becoming trapped in a relationship,Copy !req
93. - even though it's great.
- I think I know what your problem is.Copy !req
94. I don't know
what's the matter with you!Copy !req
95. Well, I guess I'm just on the fence?Copy !req
96. Ah. You're so on the fenceCopy !req
97. that you're actually taking a stance
about being on the fence.Copy !req
98. No, I'm just on the fence, goddamn it!
Why do you keep contradicting yourself?Copy !req
99. I am so not contradicting myself.Copy !req
100. Yes, I am!Copy !req
101. Yeah, this isn't working. Goodbye.Copy !req
102. Wait, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
103. Get the hell out of my office!Copy !req
104. Come back!Copy !req
105. You goddamn piece of shit!Copy !req
106. Brad, send in my next client,
and have him stay outside.Copy !req
107. Thank you.Copy !req
108. Asshole.Copy !req
109. Rich.Copy !req
110. Rich. Rich!Copy !req
111. Uh, Roger,Copy !req
112. I was going to sing your favourite song
this evening,Copy !req
113. but unfortunately,
I don't play the banjo.Copy !req
114. Lucky for you!Copy !req
115. Wait, there's more.Copy !req
116. So let me just say Roger,Copy !req
117. you're not getting older.
You're getting...Copy !req
118. Oh, wait. You are getting older,
you two-balled bitch!Copy !req
119. Happy birthday!Copy !req
120. What a prick.Copy !req
121. I can safely say that has to be
the worst speech I've ever heard.Copy !req
122. He's an idiot.Copy !req
123. This is going to be a piece of piss.
The room will be mine.Copy !req
124. All right. Calm down, calm down.Copy !req
125. Okay.Copy !req
126. Roger, it's been an emotional evening.Copy !req
127. Even the cake's in tears.Copy !req
128. Shit. That was my best one.Copy !req
129. My God. Uh...
I'll do a limerick. That never fails.Copy !req
130. As we all know, Roger is a keen swimmer,Copy !req
131. and I understand you're off to Aruba
to swim this weekend.Copy !req
132. I'd like to leave you with
some words of wisdomCopy !req
133. in the form of a limerick.Copy !req
134. A macho young swimmer named DwyerCopy !req
135. Really liked playing with fireCopy !req
136. One night in the darkCopy !req
137. He swam with a shark...Copy !req
138. And his voice is now two octaves higher!Copy !req
139. Well, that's it. He's dead.Copy !req
140. Fuck!Copy !req
141. Fuck!Copy !req
142. Fuck!Copy !req
143. Enjoy.Copy !req
144. Fuck!Copy !req
145. Look at that woman over there.Copy !req
146. No, you. By the estate agent's.Copy !req
147. What? The woman?Copy !req
148. She wants to buy a house.Copy !req
149. You're so naive. Are you still reading
those women's magazines?Copy !req
150. - Yeah!
- Yeah.Copy !req
151. You see, where you see champagne,
I see.Copy !req
152. She clearly wants to be picked up.Copy !req
153. What makes you such an expert?Copy !req
154. I wasn't made an expert.Copy !req
155. I was born one. Watch this.Copy !req
156. So, why would a beautiful woman like youCopy !req
157. be looking at flats
in a neighbourhood like that?Copy !req
158. What does that mean?Copy !req
159. It means
"Why put bay windows on a shithouse?"Copy !req
160. Clearly, a woman as beautiful as you
would be living in Kensington Gardens.Copy !req
161. - Really? You think so?
- I don't think so. I know so.Copy !req
162. That's exactly what my boyfriend
was saying the other day...Copy !req
163. Fuck you!Copy !req
164. - Can I help, sir?
- Fuck!Copy !req
165. I'm not familiar
with that neighbourhood.Copy !req
166. - Fuck!
- Can I give you my business card?Copy !req
167. Fuck!Copy !req
168. Fuck!Copy !req
169. Fuck!Copy !req
170. Fuck!Copy !req
171. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!Copy !req
172. The heart is pure. The mind is pure.Copy !req
173. Oh! Fucking hell!Copy !req
174. Oh, my good God!Copy !req
175. That's disgusting!Copy !req
176. Where the hell have you been?Copy !req
177. Greece. Oh, I got you this.Copy !req
178. Man, I am in some serious poo-shit.Copy !req
179. - I've gotta see Belinda.
- Who?Copy !req
180. Do you remember that nurse I met when
we had that amazing night at Belushi's?Copy !req
181. No.Copy !req
182. Well, we went out
a few times after that.Copy !req
183. Anyway, two weeks ago,
she asked me to look after her dog.Copy !req
184. So I go by her flat, and then I stick
the dog in the trunk of my car.Copy !req
185. - Why on earth did you do that?
- It was a short trip.Copy !req
186. So, I get a fucking flat on the motorwayCopy !req
187. just as Ricky from The Office
is driving by.Copy !req
188. And he says "Hey, leave your car there,Copy !req
189. "I'm going to Greece,
why don't you come with me?"Copy !req
190. "Fuck yeah!" says I.Copy !req
191. Okay, so that was two weeks ago.Copy !req
192. Oh, God. The car's still there.Copy !req
193. - With the dog in it.
- Yeah.Copy !req
194. - With the dog in...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!Copy !req
195. I'm in Fuck City!
Belinda's gonna skin me alive!Copy !req
196. I don't know whether to puke or piss,
but I gotta piss.Copy !req
197. Calm down.Copy !req
198. Okay, what you did was stupid,
cruel, and unusual,Copy !req
199. but it wasn't your fault.Copy !req
200. Deliver this. Hold on!Copy !req
201. - Wait for a reply.
- All right.Copy !req
202. Jesus. Kill that bug out of your ass.Copy !req
203. Hey, Ken. Better out than in.Copy !req
204. Come on, man.
Remember what I've told you.Copy !req
205. Not bad, Wormwood, but you've got a weak
left foot, and it always lets you down.Copy !req
206. I'm a fool to myself, Sir Charles.Copy !req
207. You really are.Copy !req
208. Oh, hello, Mr Rich. You look ill.Copy !req
209. - I've seen better days, Your Highness.
- That must be for me.Copy !req
210. Good God!Copy !req
211. I'm an animal lover,Copy !req
212. but there's a black humour at the heart
of this I just can't ignore.Copy !req
213. - What say you, Wormwood?
- Hell's bells.Copy !req
214. Well, I hope Greece was worth it, mate.Copy !req
215. Hey, how did you know I went to Greece?Copy !req
216. Never mind that.Copy !req
217. Listen, Wormwood. I'm slightly peckish.
You couldn't just, uh...Copy !req
218. Say no more, Master Highness.Copy !req
219. So, Mr Rich. Describe this dog to me.Copy !req
220. Well, he's a Scottish terrier,Copy !req
221. he's got little black eyes,Copy !req
222. a short tail, cute little ass.Copy !req
223. Anything like that one?Copy !req
224. Fuck me with a stick! Scruffy!Copy !req
225. Well, that was quick, Wormwood.Copy !req
226. Now, Mr Rich, would you do me the honour
of staying for supper?Copy !req
227. As you can see,
there's no dogs on the menu.Copy !req
228. Wow!Copy !req
229. There may be no dogs,
but there sure are a lot of hot bitches!Copy !req
230. - Mr Rich.
- Sorry. Can I still stay?Copy !req
231. Of course.Copy !req
232. Yeah! Let's party!Copy !req
233. Hey, all right.Copy !req
234. Let's get that thing off.Copy !req
235. Let's get slaughtered. What?Copy !req
236. Hey, I've got a third nipple.Copy !req
237. Hi, how are you?Copy !req
238. Oh, been in the wars, it seems.Copy !req
239. Yeah. Uh, I'm a bit sore.Copy !req
240. I'm not violent. I'm really not.
It was me that was beaten up, actually.Copy !req
241. I didn't think you were violent, babe.Copy !req
242. Too smart for anything like that,
I should imagine.Copy !req
243. Well, I can't be that smart.Copy !req
244. Every time I come in this shop,
I seem to...Copy !req
245. Forget it.Copy !req
246. I quite like the bruise.
It makes you look interesting,Copy !req
247. yet with a kind of naive charm.Copy !req
248. Really? No one's ever said
anything like that before.Copy !req
249. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sure you
didn't come in here to chat to me.Copy !req
250. - What did you want?
- No, it's fine.Copy !req
251. I came in to pick up
some silver cowboy boots.Copy !req
252. - Oh, so you're Matt.
- Yeah.Copy !req
253. I've got them here.Copy !req
254. I picked them up myself this morning.
I think you'll look great in them.Copy !req
255. ♪ Well, I'm the only guy
who can express himself in songCopy !req
256. Are you going to sing or what?Copy !req
257. I can't, man! You broke my fucking nose.Copy !req
258. If I'm honest,
I think you're making a fuss.Copy !req
259. This won't stop bleeding. I gotta piss.Copy !req
260. Come in.Copy !req
261. Come in!Copy !req
262. Hey, be cool, man.
I just came in to hang.Copy !req
263. Sorry, uh... Matt Berry.Copy !req
264. Yeah, it's great to meet you at last.Copy !req
265. I've seen you a couple of times
in The Body Shop,Copy !req
266. but I didn't want to bother you.Copy !req
267. It's all cool swing.Copy !req
268. - You guys making a record?
- Yes, but I keep losing my tempo.Copy !req
269. Kind of harbours the output.Copy !req
270. Hi. I'm learning how to play the guitarCopy !req
271. so I can write my own songs
without you hitting me.Copy !req
272. - Cool, man. I'll give you lessons.
- Oh, no thanks.Copy !req
273. Mrs Winkleman from the local church
is teaching me.Copy !req
274. No offence, homeboy,
but you could be shit,Copy !req
275. and not know one end of this bastard
from the next.Copy !req
276. Mrs Winkleman, however, does.Copy !req
277. - So you're turning him down?
- What do you mean?Copy !req
278. Just 'cause you don't like Winkleman...Copy !req
279. That's Jimi Hendrix, you idiot!Copy !req
280. - It's all cool, man.
- So fucking what?Copy !req
281. Here, asshole, catch this.Copy !req
282. I bet you can't play Kumbaya.Copy !req
283. I knew it!Copy !req
284. The stupid asshole's playing it
upside down.Copy !req
285. Didn't you learn nothin'
in the projects, bro?Copy !req
286. As soon as I said that,
I knew I was wrong.Copy !req
287. I should have shown him more respect.Copy !req
288. What did you say to me? Huh?
Show me some respect, motherfucker.Copy !req
289. - Does this fatboy belong to you?
- Yeah. He's not showing you respectCopy !req
290. because he doesn't know
who you are, okay?Copy !req
291. I think we should all take a cool tool.Copy !req
292. - Cool.
- Cool.Copy !req
293. It really was
a truly memorable evening.Copy !req
294. I was unconscious, he was naked,
and the other guy was dead.Copy !req
295. Now,Copy !req
296. to call Andrew Lloyd Webber tight
is an understatement.Copy !req
297. I've seen this bastard
peel an orange in his pocket.Copy !req
298. Some say that Andrew Lloyd Webber's ego
matches his bank balance.Copy !req
299. Well, if that's the case, Andrew, when
you go to the bar, make mine a double.Copy !req
300. This is going well.Copy !req
301. There's no way he's going to
ruin my joke this time.Copy !req
302. No way in hell.Copy !req
303. I'm reminded of a joke.Copy !req
304. How many composers does it take
to change a light bulb?Copy !req
305. - How many?
- I'll tell you, my friend.Copy !req
306. The answer is five.Copy !req
307. Buy your kids a fucking stick.Copy !req
308. Oh!Copy !req
309. Fuck!Copy !req
310. Fuck!Copy !req
311. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
312. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
313. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
314. Horse piss!Copy !req
315. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
316. Horse piss!Copy !req
317. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
318. - Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.Copy !req
319. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
320. Horse piss!Copy !req
321. - Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.Copy !req
322. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
323. Horse piss!Copy !req
324. - Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.Copy !req
325. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
326. Horse piss!Copy !req
327. - Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.Copy !req
328. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
329. Horse piss!Copy !req
330. - Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.Copy !req
331. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
332. Horse piss!Copy !req
333. - Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.Copy !req
334. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
335. Horse piss!Copy !req
336. - Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.Copy !req
337. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
338. Horse piss!Copy !req
339. - Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.Copy !req
340. - Fuck!
- Shit!Copy !req
341. - Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.Copy !req
342. In the Snuff Box next time...Copy !req
343. Dancing bears,Copy !req
344. turbans, explosives, and snuff.Copy !req
345. This is a snuff box.Copy !req