1. Hey, Matt, can I borrow £600?Copy !req
2. What the hell for?Copy !req
3. I wanna go home.Copy !req
4. No.Copy !req
5. But my whole family is dying.Copy !req
6. They've got colon cancer.Copy !req
7. Too bad.Copy !req
8. Yeah, but you won most
of my money anyway.Copy !req
9. Did you know that it costs only
200 quid to build a school in Africa?Copy !req
10. I read that this morning.Copy !req
11. Yeah, but that would
Just be some wooden hut.Copy !req
12. You need a pool, kids love to swim.Copy !req
13. Okay, pick up the money.Copy !req
14. Your turn.Copy !req
15. Wow, that was fun.Copy !req
16. How much do you think is there?Copy !req
17. About ten schools' worth.Copy !req
18. Hey, look. Blood money.Copy !req
19. Ooh, boy.Copy !req
20. I can't be in love if it's plasticCopy !req
21. To live on my own just seems tragicCopy !req
22. But we'll raise our swords high
when our day comesCopy !req
23. You thought it was gold
but it was bronzeCopy !req
24. So, get here in time
when our day comesCopy !req
25. You thought it was gold
but it was bronzeCopy !req
26. - Thank you.
- Cheers.Copy !req
27. If you had to live life over again,
would you do it the same way?Copy !req
28. Absolutely.Copy !req
29. Bullshit.Copy !req
30. For you, maybe, my friend,
but I wouldn't change a thing.Copy !req
31. So, for instance,Copy !req
32. every time you were late for a train,
you wouldn't wanna change that at all?Copy !req
33. Nope. Being late
can make you mysterious.Copy !req
34. Right.Copy !req
35. What about every time a girl dumped you?
You'd wanna live that over, too?Copy !req
36. Well, it's only ever happened once,
and I was glad.Copy !req
37. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.Copy !req
38. Yeah, right.Copy !req
39. What about that time you
got caught in your dad's studyCopy !req
40. Jerking off over a map of Scotland?Copy !req
41. That was particularly painfulCopy !req
42. But not as bad,
I tell you, as the time...Copy !req
43. How the hell did you know that?Copy !req
44. You bastard.Copy !req
45. "October 3rd.Copy !req
46. "Can't believe how much bigger my thing
looks after burning off my pubes."Copy !req
47. "April 15th.Copy !req
48. "The RE teacher came over
today with a hose pipe.Copy !req
49. "Fun, fun, fun."Copy !req
50. "April 12th.Copy !req
51. "I don't know whether my feelings
for Dave are real or not.Copy !req
52. "I'm too afraid to act on them.Copy !req
53. "May 1st.Copy !req
54. "Today was the day my uncle touched me
in that special place."Copy !req
55. "May 15th.Copy !req
56. "I keep having these dreams about
having sex with a rabbit,Copy !req
57. "and she looks like my mom"!Copy !req
58. Oh, this shit is priceless!Copy !req
59. Hi there.Copy !req
60. I was wondering if
you could possibly help me?Copy !req
61. Of course.Copy !req
62. I came in last week to find
the sales assistantCopy !req
63. who ordered me the silver cowboy boots.Copy !req
64. Do you know, this is
my first day here, luvvy.Copy !req
65. I'd love to help, but I know nothing.Copy !req
66. Yeah, but all I need to know
from that sales assistantCopy !req
67. is when these boots are due to turn up.Copy !req
68. Like I said, sweetheart,Copy !req
69. I'd love to help, but I wouldn't know
who to ask or where to look.Copy !req
70. I really don't know
my arse from my elbow.Copy !req
71. Well, surely it would just be
a phone call to your bossCopy !req
72. or whomever deals with orders?Copy !req
73. Like I said, it's my first day.Copy !req
74. I don't have any numbers,
I wouldn't even know who to ring.Copy !req
75. Okay. Well, you've obviously done your
best with the knowledge you have.Copy !req
76. Don't mention it.
We got there in the end.Copy !req
77. Dozy bastard.Copy !req
78. "Dozy bastard"?Copy !req
79. What did you call me? "Dozy bastard"?Copy !req
80. Me? I didn't say a word, luvvy.Copy !req
81. Shit.Copy !req
82. Hey, you liked December, old farts?Copy !req
83. Well, January's gonna blow
your fucking asses off!Copy !req
84. "January 1st.Copy !req
85. "Today I shot my first dog.Copy !req
86. "Does this mean
I'm gonna be a serial killer?Copy !req
87. "What would I choose for my last meal?Copy !req
88. "Will I have scampi or rabbit?"Copy !req
89. How could you read out my diary?Copy !req
90. And let all these men laugh at me?Copy !req
91. I'm so sick and tired of your bullshitCopy !req
92. You've run out of gas in your cockpitCopy !req
93. And after all that I have done for youCopy !req
94. I gave you a home, food, booze, tooCopy !req
95. And this is how you betray meCopy !req
96. You sit there and read out my diaryCopy !req
97. How could you read out his diary?Copy !req
98. It warrants a police inquiryCopy !req
99. And after all that he has done for youCopy !req
100. He gave you a home, food, booze, tooCopy !req
101. And this is how you've repaid himCopy !req
102. If he killed you
we would not blame himCopy !req
103. So be on your guard
tonight in your bedCopy !req
104. By tomorrow morning you could be deadCopy !req
105. Watch your back, I'm watching youCopy !req
106. We were a team and now we're throughCopy !req
107. Be on your guard tonight in your bedCopy !req
108. By tomorrow morning
you could be deadCopy !req
109. No!Copy !req
110. Oh, oh!Copy !req
111. "And what about fox?Copy !req
112. "Fox tastes just like chicken.Copy !req
113. "May 5th. I think I'm a werewolf..."Copy !req
114. I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.Copy !req
115. Hey!Copy !req
116. I'll find you, you bastard!Copy !req
117. London's not that big!Copy !req
118. Hello.Copy !req
119. Can I help you with that?Copy !req
120. - Are you sure?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
121. My lady is in distress
and I'm here to rescue her.Copy !req
122. Thanks.Copy !req
123. They say chivalry's dead,Copy !req
124. but I think you're making a pretty
strong case for its revivalCopy !req
125. Well, I'm always ready
to help a beautiful lady.Copy !req
126. I help the ugly ones as well,Copy !req
127. but I'd definitely say
you're in the former camp.Copy !req
128. Where am I taking this?Copy !req
129. Well, it's only a few streets away,
I'm moving in with my boyfriend.Copy !req
130. Fuck you!Copy !req
131. You'll never believe what
happened at work to...Copy !req
132. Oh, shit.Copy !req
133. What the fuck is going on?Copy !req
134. Answer me.Copy !req
135. I am really upset.Copy !req
136. What the fuck is going on?Copy !req
137. Awkward Moments of your lifeCopy !req
138. Awkward Moments coffee.Copy !req
139. For those moments that are
Just too awkward for words.Copy !req
140. Are you two having an affair?Copy !req
141. Never too late to pretend, my loveCopy !req
142. Never too late to fake what we haveCopy !req
143. Uh, it sounds fantastic,
but it's just the wrong vibe.Copy !req
144. Yeah, you know why?
It sounds too much like opera.Copy !req
145. It needs to be more rock and rollCopy !req
146. Does that make sense?Copy !req
147. Yeah, okay. I'll have one more stab.Copy !req
148. Alright, hey,
your fingers, finger boy,Copy !req
149. I have gotta piss.Copy !req
150. May the Lord forgive my disturbance.Copy !req
151. Bloody hellCopy !req
152. I'm David Bowie.Copy !req
153. Is it alright if
I borrow a music stand?Copy !req
154. 'Cause we've only got the one next door.Copy !req
155. Of course you can. Matt Berry.
You can take whatever you like.Copy !req
156. You look busy.
I'm nut deep in Aladdin Sane right now.Copy !req
157. God willing, I may even have a hit.Copy !req
158. But, hey, it's only rock and roll, eh?Copy !req
159. That's good. Funny.Copy !req
160. - Excuse me.
- Hey, I hope you fellows don't mind,Copy !req
161. but I heard the
Never Too Late To Pretend number,Copy !req
162. and I think it may be a good ideaCopy !req
163. to translate what you've already
written on the piano, onto guitar,Copy !req
164. because you've got this
country vibe going on,Copy !req
165. and the piano will
certainly not suit it.Copy !req
166. Well, that's the exact opposite
of what he said.Copy !req
167. Well, he may be wrong, you know.Copy !req
168. Man was built but from clay.Copy !req
169. Where do you get off, lady?Copy !req
170. Whoa. Watch your style.Copy !req
171. No, you watch your style.Copy !req
172. Coming in here with
your fake male haircutCopy !req
173. and your rock and roll attitude.Copy !req
174. You know, we're songwriters,
goddamn it.Copy !req
175. We write songs. That's what we do.Copy !req
176. I don't know what you do.
Blow everyone in the band?Copy !req
177. He's American.
I don't think he knows who you are.Copy !req
178. That was a joke, right?Copy !req
179. No, Matt, that was not a joke.Copy !req
180. I joke about fake vomit
and whipped cream.Copy !req
181. I don't joke about
this right here, okay?Copy !req
182. You know what's a joke, is you!Copy !req
183. Because you are a poor excuse
for an asswipe, goddamn it!Copy !req
184. You know, it takes a weaker
man to curse the Good Name.Copy !req
185. Your partner here seems to
have taken a smoother path.Copy !req
186. Maybe you should join him,
or at least let him carry you.Copy !req
187. Enjoy your afternoon, gentlemen.Copy !req
188. Sorry about all that, David.Copy !req
189. It's alright, Matt,
it's not your fault.Copy !req
190. Here's your payroll for this week.Copy !req
191. May I take your order?Copy !req
192. I'll have a barbecue sandwich and some
french fries, please.Copy !req
193. Hey, Solly, get me a number 12!Copy !req
194. You want a drink?Copy !req
195. A Diet Coke, please.Copy !req
196. And a Diet Coke, Solly!Copy !req
197. So, uh, nice day, huh, little boy?Copy !req
198. How about giving up that Diet Coke, huh?Copy !req
199. Listen, if you don't give me
that drink in five seconds,Copy !req
200. I'm gonna shove it up your
big brown ass, comprende?Copy !req
201. Here you go.Copy !req
202. Listen, I'm telling you,
two more seconds...Copy !req
203. right up the brown ass,Copy !req
204. you know what I mean?Copy !req
205. So, you go on
the swings today, little boy?Copy !req
206. Christ on a horse, Solly,
it's a sandwich,Copy !req
207. not a goddamn redwood tree!Copy !req
208. Come on! I'm not shitting around, Solly,Copy !req
209. I'm telling you, that sandwich is going
right up your brown ass, Mr Greengrass!Copy !req
210. Boy, two seconds...Copy !req
211. that would've gone right up there.Copy !req
212. Right up the...
Hey! You forgot your french fries.Copy !req
213. Solly, my fist and your ass
are getting married!Copy !req
214. Who the hell ordered that thing?Copy !req
215. You, apparently.Copy !req
216. I did no such thing,
you leather-skinned bastard.Copy !req
217. I don't even know what it is.Copy !req
218. It's a fucking jukebox.
I kind of ordered it in your name.Copy !req
219. Oh, God.Copy !req
220. I say, this simply will not do, sir!Copy !req
221. Not only is this man a non-member,Copy !req
222. he is also an American.Copy !req
223. And the rules of this club
are quite clear on this.Copy !req
224. And as for the language,
I've not heard the likeCopy !req
225. since Rommel paid our company
a surprise visit in Tripoli.Copy !req
226. And now I am informed he has
ordered a jukebox!Copy !req
227. What say you, sir?Copy !req
228. Apologise to the lady, Rich.Copy !req
229. I'm sorry, miss.Copy !req
230. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
231. Oh, I think you heard me, sir.Copy !req
232. Or did Rommel deafen you
when he made his surprise entry?Copy !req
233. Oh, really!Copy !req
234. So, why don't you just piss off
to your dominos, and stop cheating.Copy !req
235. Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
236. That's it, old chap.Copy !req
237. Just got a bit excited, that's allCopy !req
238. Had too much dinner.Copy !req
239. Just give me the gun.Copy !req
240. Good man.Copy !req
241. Now, give me my fucking diaries.Copy !req
242. What the...Copy !req
243. Get your hands off me,
you silly old fruit.Copy !req
244. That's not a bad cup of coffee.Copy !req
245. Awkward Moments of your lifeCopy !req
246. Awkward Moments of your lifeCopy !req
247. So, why would you get into a fight
over some fucking silver cowboy boots?Copy !req
248. I mean, it's not a matter
of life and death or anything.Copy !req
249. Yeah, well, it's easy for you to say.Copy !req
250. The guy was pretty quick with his mouth.Copy !req
251. Yeah, well, apparently, he was quick
with his hands, too.Copy !req
252. Don't even begin to tell me you've
forgotten the white hood.Copy !req
253. I'm sorry.Copy !req
254. Well, let's hope your eyes
don't pop out, palCopy !req
255. Oh, God.Copy !req
256. Whoa!Copy !req
257. Nice one!Copy !req
258. You totally saved my ass.Copy !req
259. Oh, sky me.Copy !req
260. You're a diamond geezer.Copy !req
261. Oh, hi.Copy !req
262. Yes, could I speak to the most
senior police guy on the Scotland YardCopy !req
263. police squad police place?Copy !req
264. You know what? Uh, forget it.Copy !req
265. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.Copy !req
266. No, sir. Yes, sir. Bye, sir.Copy !req
267. - What was that all about?
- Oh, nothing.Copy !req
268. Um, have you ever confessed to a priest?Copy !req
269. Of course I fucking haven't.Copy !req
270. I gotta piss.Copy !req
271. Step and turn.Copy !req
272. Step and turn.Copy !req
273. Step and... That's very good.Copy !req
274. Yes, you have got the hang of this,
haven't you?Copy !req
275. Ah, Mr Rich. How wonderful to see you.Copy !req
276. I was just teaching Wormwood
the beguine.Copy !req
277. Do you dance, sir?Copy !req
278. Only when I'm shit-faced.Copy !req
279. Really?Copy !req
280. And what's the
matter with you, young man?Copy !req
281. Well, I read Matt's diary.Copy !req
282. Which I know is bad.
But I came across this entry.Copy !req
283. Ever since I read it,
I've had trouble sleeping.Copy !req
284. I get these really bad
fucking nightmaresCopy !req
285. - where I scream and shit the...
- Sir.Copy !req
286. - Do you want me to, uh...
- Oh, yes, Wormwood.Copy !req
287. I'll leave the choice to your good self.Copy !req
288. Now, Mr Rich. This diary, may I see it?Copy !req
289. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
290. Right there.Copy !req
291. Should I have gone to the police?Copy !req
292. Absolutely not.
Tell me you've not done so.Copy !req
293. No. I wouldn't know what to say.Copy !req
294. Good God.Copy !req
295. This must remain a secret,Copy !req
296. not only for Matt's sake,
but now your own.Copy !req
297. Mr Rich.Copy !req
298. The entries written
on the pages of this diaryCopy !req
299. are truly blood-curdling
and stomach-churning.Copy !req
300. They are depraved
to a rank so superhuman,Copy !req
301. it would be considered
by some as fancifulCopy !req
302. The red rat never rushes.Copy !req
303. Did that make sense?Copy !req
304. - Did what make sense?
- What I just said.Copy !req
305. I haven't heard you say anything.Copy !req
306. What am I doing here?Copy !req
307. I recognise you. You're the guy
in the picture in the club.Copy !req
308. Excellent.Copy !req
309. Have you eaten, Mr Rich?Copy !req
310. What did you have in mind?Copy !req
311. How about some Italians?Copy !req
312. Wow, can I have olive oil on that?Copy !req
313. - Hello.
- Hi.Copy !req
314. - How are you?
- You're beautifulCopy !req
315. - Let's party!
- Indeed.Copy !req
316. Now, the track you're about to playCopy !req
317. from your new album,
which was recorded in LA,Copy !req
318. and deals with the theme of loss,Copy !req
319. and in particular,
the loss of your brother.Copy !req
320. Uh, it's weird, because I'd never really
thought about suicide before,Copy !req
321. mainly because, you know,Copy !req
322. I never knew anybody
who'd actually killed themselves.Copy !req
323. But last year, my brother Fraser
took his own life.Copy !req
324. And the only way I've been
able to deal with thatCopy !req
325. is actually through music.Copy !req
326. And what's the piece called?Copy !req
327. It's called The Empty Room.Copy !req
328. The Empty Room. Thanks, Matt.
I hope you enjoy it.Copy !req
329. Do I have enough to play now?Copy !req
330. Read 'em and weep, suckers!Copy !req
331. It's your move.Copy !req
332. Allow me.Copy !req
333. Checkmate.
Never fuck with a man's diary.Copy !req
334. Lady, are you okay?Copy !req
335. What kind of an asshole would
do something like this?Copy !req
336. This one. Get up.Copy !req
337. You know what I want.
Hand me those diaries.Copy !req
338. I guess not.Copy !req
339. Hey, how many of those
fucking whiskies have you had, man?Copy !req
340. So, what are you up to tonight?Copy !req
341. It's the middle of the week.
"Over the hump" night.Copy !req
342. Yeah. Irene's dragging me to the opera,Copy !req
343. so I need to get plastered
to sit through that shit.Copy !req
344. You?Copy !req
345. I'll probably just stay here
and watch the quiz.Copy !req
346. They don't allow me to play,
but I like to watch.Copy !req
347. Or maybe I'll catch
Inspector Horse on TV.Copy !req
348. I like that one.Copy !req
349. It's Inspector Morse.Copy !req
350. Listen, we were gonna go with
another couple, but they pulled out.Copy !req
351. - Forget it.
- What?Copy !req
352. - You'd need a date.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
353. Casanova Fulcher can't get
a date at the last minute?Copy !req
354. You are talking to the Zen master.Copy !req
355. You don't have any free hands.Copy !req
356. I know, but I look like Jesus.Copy !req
357. - Plus, I'm a great kisser.
- "A great kisser". Yeah.Copy !req
358. Captain Quickfinch has got
his daughters with him,Copy !req
359. so I'm gonna get stuck
in there for five minutes,Copy !req
360. while you get dialing.Copy !req
361. Hello, Arne?Copy !req
362. Hi, it's Rich.Copy !req
363. What do you mean, how
did I get your number?Copy !req
364. I called your work Friday late,
and you were gone.Copy !req
365. Yeah, and then I said
it was an emergencyCopy !req
366. and I needed your mobile,
and they gave it to me.Copy !req
367. You practically gave me your number.Copy !req
368. Wait, don't hang up.Copy !req
369. Hello, Sarah? Yeah, it's...Copy !req
370. TunnelCopy !req
371. I was wondering if you wanted
to go to the opera?Copy !req
372. Yeah, with me.Copy !req
373. What... Hello?Copy !req
374. So, do you think you can make it?Copy !req
375. Sure, it'll be loads of fun.
There'll be lots of singing and shit.Copy !req
376. Yeah.Copy !req
377. No, I don't think you
should bring your boyfriend.Copy !req
378. Yeah, I met you about a year ago
on the Tube in Holborn.Copy !req
379. Yeah, you were pretty drunk.Copy !req
380. I held your head while you vomited.Copy !req
381. Prick tease. Slut. Jerk.Copy !req
382. Listen, I know you've got
chemo therapy tomorrow,Copy !req
383. but can't you breakaway
for one fucking night?Copy !req
384. Hello?Copy !req
385. Another tunnelCopy !req
386. Hello there.Copy !req
387. You must be Quickfinch's granddaughter.Copy !req
388. You're much better-looking than he is.Copy !req
389. Imagine trying to kiss that.Copy !req
390. They look heavy.
Let me take these to your table.Copy !req
391. Thank you, handsome.Copy !req
392. - The gin and tonic's for my sister Ruth.
- Okay.Copy !req
393. - This one is for Stacy.
- Hello.Copy !req
394. And if you could hand
this one to my boyfriend.Copy !req
395. Fuck you.Copy !req
396. Whisky!Copy !req
397. Yeah, that's great.Copy !req
398. Perfect. About 8:00.Copy !req
399. Yeah. Bye.Copy !req
400. Piece of piss.Copy !req
401. I am back in the saddle, big boy.Copy !req
402. That was your sister, wasn't it?Copy !req
403. Yeah. Like I said, I'm a great kisser.Copy !req
404. What the hell is this?Copy !req
405. What is the matter with you?Copy !req
406. This is clearly bullshit.Copy !req
407. I can't be in love if it's plasticCopy !req
408. To live on my own seems tragicCopy !req
409. We'll raise our swords high
when our day comesCopy !req
410. You thought it was gold,
but it was bronzeCopy !req
411. So get here in timeCopy !req
412. When our day comes youCopy !req
413. You thought it was gold
but it was bronzeCopy !req
414. Get here in timeCopy !req
415. When our day comesCopy !req
416. You thought it was gold
but it was bronzeCopy !req
417. I've seen more than enough of this shit.
I'm off.Copy !req
418. In the Snuff Box next time...Copy !req
419. - Cursing...
- Fuck.Copy !req
420. ladies,Copy !req
421. dancing,Copy !req
422. and pleasure.Copy !req
423. So if I should die of smallpoxCopy !req
424. Put my remains in my snuff boxCopy !req
425. So if I should die of smallpoxCopy !req
426. Put my remains in my snuff boxCopy !req