1. Matt, Matt, wait up.
Hey, Matt, sorry I'm late. Are we early?Copy !req
2. - No idea, I've lost my watch.
- Wow, you never do that sort of thing.Copy !req
3. I know. My mind's elsewhere,Copy !req
4. what with Irene and her Spanish cousin
and everything.Copy !req
5. Irene's hot. Man, I envy you.Copy !req
6. You can take girls anywhere.
I haven't got a bean.Copy !req
7. I haven't got a bean
But my shoes are cleanCopy !req
8. - What the hell's that?
- Oh, it's just an old song.Copy !req
9. Anyhoo, not having cash,
it sucks like a fuckity-suck.Copy !req
10. It's not about cash, you fool,
it's about manners.Copy !req
11. What do you mean?Copy !req
12. Well, a man's got to
watch his mouth these days.Copy !req
13. The ladies don't like the effing
and the jeffing that you're so fond of.Copy !req
14. - The what?
- Cursing.Copy !req
15. Well, what about that girl
you took me to see in Soho?Copy !req
16. I mean, all you did was eff and Jeff.Copy !req
17. - That was different.
- Why?Copy !req
18. - She was a prostitute.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
19. What the hump was
the name of that club, anyway?Copy !req
20. Oh, God, yeah.
On the corner of Berwick Street.Copy !req
21. Rick, what's the name of that tom shop
on the corner of Berwick Street?Copy !req
22. - Oh, fuck. The Purple...
- No, the Blue Leopard.Copy !req
23. - What did you just say?
- The Blue Leopard.Copy !req
24. That's it. The Blue Leopard.Copy !req
25. Hey, he just effed.Copy !req
26. Of course I did.
I'm a fucking priest, ain't I?Copy !req
27. Oh, Christ.Copy !req
28. I can't be in love in this plasticCopy !req
29. To live on my own just seems tragicCopy !req
30. But we'll raise ourselves high
when our day comesCopy !req
31. We thought it was gold
but it was bronzeCopy !req
32. So get here in time when our day comesCopy !req
33. You thought it was gold
but it was bronzeCopy !req
34. - Hey, do you wanna play pool after this?
- No.Copy !req
35. - Why not?
- Because I've got "poolsey".Copy !req
36. Hmm.Copy !req
37. Hey, how come that dude
looks exactly like you?Copy !req
38. Because that dude is
Sir Charles Berry, you idiot.Copy !req
39. A great-uncle
and founder member of this club.Copy !req
40. And more importantly, he's the reason
why we get to sit hereCopy !req
41. - and sip whisky all day. Say cheers.
- Cheers, Chuck.Copy !req
42. Your mail, gentlemen.Copy !req
43. Of course we're male gentlemen.
Are there any other kind?Copy !req
44. - Very good, sir.
- You're the best, Ken.Copy !req
45. Sweet! Another royalty cheque
from my mom's estate.Copy !req
46. Thanks, Mom. She's dead, you know.Copy !req
47. A royalty cheque, you say?
So you must be in money.Copy !req
48. - You fancy a game of darts?
- Sure.Copy !req
49. - For cash?
- Sure. Is it complicated?Copy !req
50. It's a piece of piss.Copy !req
51. Hey, is this all you have to do?
This is fucking easy.Copy !req
52. I could do this all day.Copy !req
53. Well done.Copy !req
54. So, who the hell was your mother?Copy !req
55. Ricky from the office reckons
she was some kind of famous singer.Copy !req
56. Yet you always insist on keeping mum,
if you'll pardon the pun.Copy !req
57. Hey, how'd you do that?Copy !req
58. Wait, my mom's dead, alright?
Let's just leave it at that.Copy !req
59. Karen Carpenter.
It's gotta be Karen Carpenter.Copy !req
60. No. Do I look like Karen Carpenter?Copy !req
61. - Go on, Matt!
- Roseanne Barr.Copy !req
62. She's alive, ass-dick.
Could you just drop it, please?Copy !req
63. - Absolutely. Janis Joplin.
- Fuck you.Copy !req
64. I win. $1,000, which happens to beCopy !req
65. the exact same amount that's written
on this royalty cheque.Copy !req
66. Sorry, Momma.Copy !req
67. I know I'm not supposed to say this
on the first date, but...Copy !req
68. I really, really like you.Copy !req
69. I know I'm not supposed
to say this, either,Copy !req
70. - but I really, really like you, too.
- That's great.Copy !req
71. 'Cause I didn't know, you know.
I thought...Copy !req
72. In fact, I like you so much,
I don't think we should even kissCopy !req
73. until we get married,
which should be tonight.Copy !req
74. We could check into a youth hostel,Copy !req
75. because I don't have any money,
I lost it all in a darts game,Copy !req
76. and we could make wild, passionate love.Copy !req
77. Blindfolded, of course, because I have
full-blown shingles growing up my ass.Copy !req
78. And then I could quit my job.Copy !req
79. And then I could steal a pig
and kill it with a stick.Copy !req
80. And you could cook it.
I don't know if you cook or not.Copy !req
81. - That's optional..
- Okay. Did you see what you did there?Copy !req
82. You started out great
when you said, "I like you."Copy !req
83. Do you remember what you did after that?Copy !req
84. Not really, it was kind of a haze.Copy !req
85. Yeah, you mentioned the full-blown
shingles and killing the pig.Copy !req
86. - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. That's not good.Copy !req
87. Oh, is that paté?Copy !req
88. - Yeah, knock yourself out.
- Mmm.Copy !req
89. Hi. I was wondering
if a girl called Natasha worked here.Copy !req
90. I phoned about some silver cowboy boots.Copy !req
91. I could be wrong, it may be
the shop across the street,Copy !req
92. - thinking about it.
- I can only really answer questionsCopy !req
93. relating to items I have on order
or here in the shop.Copy !req
94. Yeah, but you could quickly tell meCopy !req
95. if a girl called Natasha has or has not
ever worked here, surely.Copy !req
96. Like I've just tried
to make clear to you,Copy !req
97. I can only help with matters regardingCopy !req
98. current or forthcoming stock
available in this shop.Copy !req
99. Do you know what, mate? Forget it.
You're obviously rushed off your feet,Copy !req
100. and I should've had more manners than
to have bothered you in the first place.Copy !req
101. - Don't mention it.
- Excellent.Copy !req
102. Another day, another dick.Copy !req
103. - What did you just say?
- Well, unless I've contracted malariaCopy !req
104. and gone deaf, I believe you heard
every word I said.Copy !req
105. Shit!Copy !req
106. - Okay, you wanna jazz-dance, prick?
- Yeah.Copy !req
107. - You got your tap shoes on?
- Yeah.Copy !req
108. - You want some more?
- No.Copy !req
109. I'm a rapper with a babyCopy !req
110. With a babyCopy !req
111. I got a little bitty
motherfucking babyCopy !req
112. Don't say maybeCopy !req
113. He's got a babyCopy !req
114. He got it 'cause he did it with a ladyCopy !req
115. I rap with my baby in the coffee shopCopy !req
116. I rap with my baby in the parking lotCopy !req
117. I'm rapping with my baby
in a cocaine denCopy !req
118. I rap all day with my baby
and I'd do it againCopy !req
119. Don't say maybeCopy !req
120. We got some babiesCopy !req
121. We got 'em 'cause we did it
with some ladiesCopy !req
122. Don't say maybeCopy !req
123. We got some babiesCopy !req
124. We got 'em 'cause we did it
with some ladiesCopy !req
125. Listen to this.Copy !req
126. "A fellow walks into a labour exchange
to look for work.Copy !req
127. "The man behind the counter asks him
if he can make a cup of tea.Copy !req
128. "Yes", the fellow says.
"Can you drive a forklift truck?"Copy !req
129. "A forklift truck?
Well, how big's the fucking teapot?"Copy !req
130. - That's a bit strong for a broadsheet.
- Yeah. Hoo-ha.Copy !req
131. - What the hell's the matter with you?
- Look, I think we're in the shit, man.Copy !req
132. I can't stop thinking about that couple
at the Blue Leopard last night.Copy !req
133. I can't sleep, it's so terrible.Copy !req
134. I need someone I can talk to.Copy !req
135. Thanks a lot, man. I gotta piss.Copy !req
136. Not that one, it's out of order!
Use the other door.Copy !req
137. You're so brazen,
you really are. I love it.Copy !req
138. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
139. Who the fuck are you?
And where's the john?Copy !req
140. Alright, old boy, it's alright.Copy !req
141. My name is Sir Charles Berry,Copy !req
142. and this rough and ready diamond
is my man servant Wormwood.Copy !req
143. - And you are, sir?
- I'm Rich.Copy !req
144. It's been a pleasure, but I gotta piss
and get back to my pie.Copy !req
145. Hey, you look like the guy
in the painting in the club.Copy !req
146. And you look like Ken.Copy !req
147. - I think it might have worked, sir.
- I think you may be right.Copy !req
148. I think you may be right!
Now, Mr Rich, I don't mean to alarm you,Copy !req
149. but I think you may have been
sent back in time.Copy !req
150. I'm imagining by my great-great-nephew
Matt, would I be correct?Copy !req
151. No, I was just talking to Matt.
I was telling him how I was in the shitCopy !req
152. and that I gotta piss,
and he told me to go through this door.Copy !req
153. And to tell you the truth,
that's where I am right now.Copy !req
154. I feel like the biggest dick in London.Copy !req
155. Hey, are we on the Ghost Channel? Fuck!Copy !req
156. Mr Rich, tell me something.Copy !req
157. Does everybody curse
with such vigour in your times,Copy !req
158. or are you suffering
from some kind of malady?Copy !req
159. Like I said, I'm in the shit.Copy !req
160. I did something real bad
and I can't tell anybody about it.Copy !req
161. Well, you're amongst friends here, sir.Copy !req
162. Well, you see, it's really disgusting.Copy !req
163. Oh. Very well Wormwood, would you be
so kind as to secure some refreshmentsCopy !req
164. - for our good selves and Mr Rich?
- My pleasure, sir.Copy !req
165. Thanking you. So, Mr Rich,
what caused this depression?Copy !req
166. In your own time.Copy !req
167. Okay. Well, it all happened last night.Copy !req
168. Matt and I were on Berwick Street,
and he wanted to go to the Blue Leopard,Copy !req
169. - which is this brothel
- Yes, I know it.Copy !req
170. So he wanted to pay
to watch these two couples...Copy !req
171. And he had a real cock stand...Copy !req
172. And he went...
and then he started to shoot...Copy !req
173. He shoved it into her mouth,
and she was going...Copy !req
174. Hyaa! Hyaa!Copy !req
175. eat my way out
like any other finger buffet.Copy !req
176. Say, what gives?Copy !req
177. I'd like to say I'd heard worse,
Mr Rich,Copy !req
178. but that would be a bold-faced lie.Copy !req
179. I think I can help with this.
Do as I do.Copy !req
180. - Still feel depressed, Mr Rich?
- No. I feel great.Copy !req
181. Excellent!Copy !req
182. Ah, Wormwood. The refreshments
have arrived! Fine choice.Copy !req
183. - Thank you, sir.
- Now, Mr Rich,Copy !req
184. you said you wanted to
dash off to eat a pie.Copy !req
185. Could I not tempt you with one of mine?Copy !req
186. You know, I think I'll try
one of yours, if that's coolCopy !req
187. - Hello, darling.
- Get stuck in.Copy !req
188. I'm as stiff as a board,
so let's go upstairs.Copy !req
189. I'm from the future,
but I still like boobies.Copy !req
190. Fuck, yeah.Copy !req
191. Welcome to lesson one.Copy !req
192. Try and think of a piece of good music
that doesn't feature the guitar.Copy !req
193. I bet you can't. So you want to
learn the guitar. Why not?Copy !req
194. Without the guitar, there would be
no pop music, dancing or magazines.Copy !req
195. Could you imagine Eric Clapton's Layla
played on the organ?Copy !req
196. No, neither could I.Copy !req
197. In the first programme, I'm going to
teach you three simple chordsCopy !req
198. with which you will write a song.Copy !req
199. Any song that gets
anywhere near the top 20Copy !req
200. features the D major chord.Copy !req
201. As you can see,
all of my fingers are on a string.Copy !req
202. The second most important chord
for the hit paradeCopy !req
203. is C major neutralCopy !req
204. Heaven help us.
Praise be!Copy !req
205. As you can see,Copy !req
206. all of the correct fingers are
on the correct string.Copy !req
207. Now, the last chord,
but by no means least,Copy !req
208. is the G major neutral zero.Copy !req
209. So if we play those three major chords
we learnt in sequence,Copy !req
210. we should hear a song coming together.Copy !req
211. Wow, this song kicks raw ass.
Well, here we are.Copy !req
212. Thanks. I had a really good time.Copy !req
213. Never been to a hanging before.Copy !req
214. Yeah, you were pretty cool
You only threw up once.Copy !req
215. Listen, I know this is
kind of a rough neighbourhood,Copy !req
216. so I'll wait here and make sure
you get inside safely.Copy !req
217. Thanks. You're a real gentleman.Copy !req
218. Call me.Copy !req
219. Take care. See you.Copy !req
220. Hey!Copy !req
221. Bye.Copy !req
222. Okay, did you see what you did there?Copy !req
223. You started out great
when you offered to wait for her,Copy !req
224. but then do you remember
what happened next?Copy !req
225. - She got attacked.
- Yeah, she got attacked,Copy !req
226. so you should have helped her
after she got attacked.Copy !req
227. - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. That wasn't good.Copy !req
228. Is that one of those Scottish eggs?Copy !req
229. Oh, yeah. There's one left.
Do you want one?Copy !req
230. Mmm, num city. Mmm.Copy !req
231. Oh!Copy !req
232. Good afternoon, maggot people. Welcome
to the amazingly brutal world of art.Copy !req
233. I'm your tour guide, Senior Master
Junior Sergeant Rex Potre.Copy !req
234. Before we view the art,Copy !req
235. there are a few ground rules
we're going to have to cover.Copy !req
236. Rule number uno,
do not touch the paintings.Copy !req
237. If I so much as hear you thinking
about touching the paintings,Copy !req
238. and I do have this power,Copy !req
239. it's Chung Tao to Mao, chuka-tow VC,
you're out of here.Copy !req
240. Am I making clear talk?
I can't hear you!Copy !req
241. Sir, yes, sir!Copy !req
242. Good, because I do have
an explosive device strapped to my legCopy !req
243. and I will use it!Copy !req
244. Rule number dos.
A lot of you maggot people are gonna seeCopy !req
245. some things that
you're not used to seeing.Copy !req
246. I'm talking about nudies.
Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
247. Botticeli may show a titty or two,Copy !req
248. and Michelangelo may show
a man's wilie-dong-long-pong,Copy !req
249. but you are not, I repeat,
you are not to titter! Capisce?Copy !req
250. Sir, yes, sir!Copy !req
251. Because I will not let them laugh
at you, my sweet ballerina babies.Copy !req
252. I love you! You drive me crazy
with those little ballerina boobies.Copy !req
253. Rule number trois. Now, there's
a standard operating procedure, or SOP,Copy !req
254. to view the art.Copy !req
255. I want you to look
at the painting and move.Copy !req
256. Look at the painting and move.
Am I acting like a jerk?Copy !req
257. - Sir, no, sir!
- Yes.Copy !req
258. This first masterpiece is Van Gogh,
also pronounced Van Ga-ca-ca.Copy !req
259. Two lazy guys underneath the haystack.
Good on you, Mr One Ear!Copy !req
260. Okay, let's look
at the painting and move.Copy !req
261. - Fucking idiot.
- Look and move!Copy !req
262. Rich!Copy !req
263. That guy is a prick.
You have to touch the paintings,Copy !req
264. otherwise what's the point
of coming here?Copy !req
265. - Yeah, ditto.
- Look, that guy's pissed his trousers.Copy !req
266. Wow.Copy !req
267. Le piss.Copy !req
268. Le poo?Copy !req
269. Le piss et Le poo.
Fashion that smells as good as it looks.Copy !req
270. I've got it. Joan Rivers.
You even look like her.Copy !req
271. Listen, I'm not telling you.Copy !req
272. Besides, she's not even
a fucking singer, goddamn it.Copy !req
273. - Joan Baez.
- Fuck.Copy !req
274. - I really need to piss.
- So?Copy !req
275. So can I have the keys
to your private room?Copy !req
276. Absolutely not.Copy !req
277. Come on, that one's out of order,
and that one scares me.Copy !req
278. Rich, this time you can borrow the keys,
but if you ever take themCopy !req
279. without my permission,
I shall be red with anger.Copy !req
280. In fact, I've changed my mind.
You can't borrow them...Copy !req
281. Where is that goddamn cheque?Copy !req
282. Cheque, chequer, Czechoslovakia...Copy !req
283. Ew, gross.Copy !req
284. How to kill an American. Shit.Copy !req
285. How to kill Rich.Copy !req
286. How to kill an American
with Poison Darts.Copy !req
287. The Murder of Rich... Shit nuts...Copy !req
288. Hey, what's this?Copy !req
289. Matt's DiaryCopy !req
290. Oh, my God.Copy !req
291. Oh, my God.Copy !req
292. - I mean, do you think Rich'll mind?
- Of course not, he's an idiot.Copy !req
293. Anyway, we often sup from the same font.Copy !req
294. You know, it gives him
something to talk about.Copy !req
295. And what doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.Copy !req
296. So this is my room.
I've got a stuffed owl and some whisky.Copy !req
297. Take your hat off. And your boots.Copy !req
298. No, thanks.Copy !req
299. I rap with my baby..Copy !req
300. How the hell did this shit
get to number one? Good God.Copy !req
301. That's better. More my tempo.Copy !req
302. All the leaves are brown
All the leaves are brownCopy !req
303. And the sky is Grey
And the sky is GreyCopy !req
304. I've been for a walk
I've been for a walkCopy !req
305. On a winter's day
On a winter's day...Copy !req
306. Mama Cass! Ha ha!
Well, I'll be buggered black.Copy !req
307. - Who's Mama Cass?
- My meal ticket, that's who.Copy !req
308. - Anyway, where were we?
- Page 71.Copy !req
309. Ah, the congress of the pigeon.Copy !req
310. Oh, yes, my favourite.Copy !req
311. Oh, yes. Just the job.Copy !req
312. - Oh, God, you're good.
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
313. You like that?
Oh, yes, your father taught me that one.Copy !req
314. Must get royalty cheque.Copy !req
315. - Just out of reach. Oh, you shit.
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
316. - Are you there yet, my dear?
- God damn it. You jerk!Copy !req
317. I can't be in love if it's plasticCopy !req
318. To live on my own just seems tragicCopy !req
319. But we'll raise ourselves high
when our day comesCopy !req
320. You thought it was gold
but it was bronzeCopy !req
321. So get me in time when our day comesCopy !req
322. You thought it was gold
but it was bronzeCopy !req
323. Get me in time when our day comesCopy !req
324. You thought it was gold
but it was bronzeCopy !req
325. In the Snuff Box next time...Copy !req
326. - Guns...
- Give me my fucking diaries.Copy !req
327. ladies,Copy !req
328. whisky and pleasure.Copy !req
329. Wow, can I have olive oil on that?Copy !req
330. So if I should die of smallpoxCopy !req
331. Put my remains in my snuff boxCopy !req
332. So if I should die of smallpoxCopy !req
333. Put my remains in my snuff boxCopy !req