1. This programme contains very strong
language, adult humour and violence.
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2. Me, you and JJ. Best mates for life.
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3. Hello. I'm Thomas.
So glad to meet you.
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4. They fuck you up.
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5. They don't mean to, Eff.
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6. Please don't leave me.
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7. But they do.
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8. Pyjama party means only one thing -
girls getting friendly.
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9. Be careful
what you wish for, Pandora.
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10. I missed you too much.
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11. He's your friend. Isn't he?
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12. He's your friend. Isn't he?
Not necessarily.
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13. 'Every day I know this is what
I was born to do.'
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14. It's everything to me.
And nothing else matters except...
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15. This is for you, Mum...
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16. Singing "Juicing Down",
please welcome Karen McLair!
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17. TV ON
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18. (TV) Let's see what the judges
think...
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19. Ladies, could you be happy
with Karen in the Sexxbombz?
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20. Yeah.
It'd be lovely. I love her.
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21. Jordan, did you get Karen tonight?
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22. Karen.
I'm going to be honest with you, ok?
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23. We're in the semi-finals
of this competition.
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24. Everybody's talented. Yeah?
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25. But the question is...
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26. are you talented enough
to join the Sexxbombz?
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27. How can you watch this again?
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28. Shut up, cockhead...
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29. You know what?
You dance like a gazelle.
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30. On acid. I love it!
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31. I love it! Yes!
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32. Do you think I look hot?
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33. Don't be fucking twisted.
You're my sister.
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34. DAD!
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35. Freddie says I look ugly.
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36. She doesn't look ugly.
She looks sexy.
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37. Dad, that isn't what I said.
she's talking bollocks.
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38. Tell your sister she looks
sexy on the television.
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39. Go on...
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40. You look sexy on telly, Karen.
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41. Now. Let's watch the good bit.
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42. We've had a record number
of votes, over 1,000 texts
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43. and phone calls. And the last girl
to go through to the final
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44. of "Search for a Sexxbomb" is...
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45. You know you bloody won!
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46. Karen!
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47. I just hope my mum was watching
up in Heaven.
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48. This is for you, Mum,
and I love you forever!
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49. For fuck's sake, Dad.
Listen to what she's saying.
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50. Hello.
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51. Hi.
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52. Yeah...
Um...
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53. You're in my garden.
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54. Yeah.
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55. Right. Um...
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56. So...
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57. I wanted to see what
was in your shed.
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58. My...?
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59. Shed.
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60. Everyone says you
have a marvellous shed.
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61. Everyone?
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62. Yeah.
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63. It's marvelled at.
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64. Oh!
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65. So... this is it.
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66. So what do you and the boys
do in here?
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67. Braid each other's hair
and play soggy biscuit?
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68. No... not for ages.
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69. So.
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70. Spliff, then?
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71. Cool.
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72. Why don't you get your porn on
the internet, like normal people?
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73. What the fuck's this?
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74. Sometimes, when we're
too stoned to go outside...
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75. I'm sorry.
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76. I wasn't really expecting guests.
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77. What do you normally do?
Put out doilies?
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78. Well, they do keep the cups clean.
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79. Thanks for letting me in.
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80. I know it's weird.
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81. Oh...
no...
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82. it's... whatever. You know.
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83. It's cool.
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84. It's cool.
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85. It's just...
seems like a good place to hide.
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86. You'll never guess
what just happened.
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87. This skinny Asian fucker
was at the Green,
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88. body popping on a bit of lino.
Cook!
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89. He's got a little sign saying
"Anwar the Magnificent", right?
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90. Cook...
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91. Cook...
He's busking, making cash money.
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92. So I said to him
if I can join in...
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93. Cook...
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94. Cook...
And he says do I know the Buddha
Buddha Cheese Buddha routine.
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95. Cook!
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96. So I says...
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97. Well, blow bubbles up
my bollocks and call me Shirley.
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98. Welcome to our fortress of solitude!
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99. I think I love the Sexxbombz.
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100. Karen's costume last night
was a bit of a marvel.
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101. I'm pretty sure it
defied the laws of physics.
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102. I mean, that tiny amount of
material is surely not be able to
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103. cover the requisite surface
area for UK broadcasting laws.
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104. Did you see it, Eff?
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105. No...
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106. That skirt was so short
I saw her bumhole wink.
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107. Pass the spliff, Freddiebrek.
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108. Don't worry, I've perfected it.
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109. Water... water...
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110. No way...
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111. Fucking Genius!
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112. How long have you
had that planted there?
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113. About eight months.
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114. Fucking genius.
Fucking top, mate.
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115. That's fucking tip toparoo.
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116. After all this excitement,
I fancy a spunk.
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117. You coming, Eff? You soon will be.
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118. I'd sooner fuck JJ.
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119. I know that isn't
intended as a compliment.
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120. But I'm going to
take it as one anyway.
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121. Maybe you didn't get it. "Are you
coming, Eff? You soon will be."
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122. I got it.
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123. Freddie and JJ got it.
That termite over there got it.
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124. But you're not going to get it.
Got it?
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125. No... I'm confused.
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126. I'm not going anywhere
near your crayola dick.
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127. I know where it's been.
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128. I know where it's been.
What's she talking about?
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129. Piss off then.
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130. This is our place, right?
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131. If you're not going to shag us,
then get to fuck.
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132. Mate, try and stir my
porridge if you want
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133. but I'd say even Jay's got
a better chance than you.
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134. I mean, when was the last
time you breathed fire?
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135. Freddie! >
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136. Freddie... Dinner's ready! >
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137. 'So, should I be called Minxy
Sexxbomb or Foxy Sexxbomb?
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138. 'Jordan says he likes Minxy.
I wanted it to be Sexy Sexxbomb...'
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139. MUFFLED VOICES
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140. He's completely monged.
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141. No...
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142. I'm not.
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143. I've, erm...
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144. Got coursework now.
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145. You gonna tell him Dad?
About the thing?
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146. I'm busy... .
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147. Sit down.
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148. at two o'clock tomorrow.
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149. What for?
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150. Filming for the interview
before my final performance.
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151. You've got to talk about
how much you miss Mum
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152. and how much it'll mean to you
to see me win.
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153. Wow! This is like, too fucked-up for
words. My Mum's dead, vote for me...
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154. It's not like it's not true.
I miss Mum every day.
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155. Shit... Dad, she's doing it again!
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156. You need a story,
everyone knows that.
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157. See!
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158. She didn't mean it like that.
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159. Yes, I did. At least I've got
some fucking ambition!
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160. Wanting Robbie Williams to jizz over
your baps doesn't count as ambition!
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161. Oh, that's nice. Lovely that is(!)
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162. Freddie, be here tomorrow
at two o'clock.
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163. Why should I?
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164. Cos I wash your clothes, cook your
meals, put a roof over your head,
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165. probably pay for your skunk
and I do it all without asking
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166. anything in return. Except this.
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167. Look! Look at her!
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168. She's your sister, you support her.
That's it.
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169. It's just...
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170. Fucking hell...
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171. You know?
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172. (MOCKING) It's just, like, erm...
Fucking hell, you know?
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173. Arh! Dad!
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174. Freddie!
Get back here and apologise.
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175. and make him apologise to me!
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176. Sorry.
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177. back here. Dad, please...
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178. So. Hamlet. What's it all about...
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179. .. dudes?
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180. Anyone?
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181. (HIGH-PITCHED) Well, Josie,
through the fog of his grief,
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182. Hamlet is struggling to choose
between action or inaction,
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183. and through this struggle,
he encounters existential forces
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184. illuminating the path
towards death which is,
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185. in itself, life.
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186. My my, that is an illuminating
thesis, Gerald. Well, done.
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187. (HIGH-PITCHED) Well, thank you.
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188. (HIGH-PITCHED) Well, thank you.
No, thank you.
You're a delight to teach.
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189. I got held up.
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190. Freddie's always late.
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191. Sorry...
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192. Sit down, please. >
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193. (HIGH-PITCHED) Is Freddie gonna
fail his A-levels? >
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194. 'Fraid so, Gerald. >
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195. You're all gonna fail if you
don't read the pucking book...
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196. I've read it! It was great!
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197. I've read it! It was great!
Oh!
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198. I didn't really understand it though.
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199. I didn't really understand it though.
Oh.
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200. Did the ghost do it after all,
or was it Voldemort?
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201. He's a right beast, in't he?
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202. Erm, I think you got your books
mixed up again, Panda.
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203. So! In summary,
the predominant themes >
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204. of William Shakespeare's Hamlet
are... >
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205. action, inaction, madness, >
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206. grief, death... >
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207. Being, or not being.
That is the question...
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208. Uh... Anyone else?
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209. Hamlet's basically a teenage boy.
He's got these desires
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210. but he doesn't have the bottle
to reach for them.
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211. So he goes mad and wanks off
about Ophelia and ends up so boring
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212. that somebody has to kill him.
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213. I'm not sure that's right. >
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214. There's no wanking in Hamlet.
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215. Mmm. Yeah. There is. Loads.
Only they call it soliloquizing.
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216. Nice one, blondie. She's funny.
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217. Cook... Cook... No, please don't!
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218. Stop it... Stop it, please!
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219. Freds!
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220. Oh, thanks a lot, Cook.
Now my nipples are really chafed. >
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221. (LAUGHS) Come on.
We're going down the boozer. >
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222. Come on! I need to get that
fucking Dickens out me head.
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223. Let's get fucking trashed!
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224. But...
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225. Oh, come on, Freddie. It's been ages
since we last went out.
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226. No.
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227. I'm going home.
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228. Oh, no... No... Please don't!
Not again!
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229. Have a tickle!
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230. INDISTINCT CHATTER
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231. So, Freddie...
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232. Tell us what it means to you
to have Karen
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233. in the grand final
of Search For A Sexxbomb?
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234. Erm...
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235. It's like, you know...
well, I mean...
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236. I can't quite put it into words.
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237. He is just the best brother
in the world.
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238. We take every day
as a blessing from God,
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239. because, you know,
Mum isn't with us any more.
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240. It really makes you think.
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241. Does it? About what?
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242. About, you know...
Life is precious and stuff.
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243. Freddie, why don't you tell me what
it was like to lose your mother?
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244. I'm not going to find her
down the back of the sofa.
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245. Ok, But, you know, like,
how did it feel?
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246. Oh, it felt great, Jordan.
It felt really great.
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247. How does it feel being
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248. a cocaine-snorting, low-budget,
corporate puppet?
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249. Erm, yeah, ok... I think
we're going to cut here.
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250. Mum was...
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251. She was the one who told me
that I had a talent, a gift.
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252. Who first sang with me
and believed in me.
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253. When I'm singing out there,
I'm not just singing for me.
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254. I'm singing for her.
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255. And I'm singing for anyone
who's ever been through tragedy.
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256. Ok, cut there. I love you, Karen!
I actually love you. Wow!
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257. Yeah?
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258. Yeah?
Yeah... >
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259. You're so warm and sweet and cool.
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260. I could eat you.
I'd love to eat you.
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261. You'd like that,
wouldn't you, Karen?
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262. I'd love that, Jordan.
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263. Ok, all right... >
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264. Listen, I need a chai latte.
Where's that asshole runner?
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265. In there, with the other arseholes.
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266. MOBILE RINGS
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267. You know, you're not that hot kid.
Nobody wants to eat you...
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268. Phil yes, my man... >
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269. You're such a cock. Why are you
trying to fuck this up for me?
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270. that makes me go gaga, you know? >
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271. You are beautiful.
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272. I'll see you then.
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273. You know. You oughta
get laid or something, kid.
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274. I might be a corporate puppet
or whatever
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275. but I have a fucking good time.
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276. How's being an angsty little prick
working out for you?
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277. Wow. I haven't seen you
dressed like that since, well...
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278. ever.
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279. You look a bit
like Frau Hilde from Primary.
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280. (MOCK GERMAN) Right now Kinder, get
ze glitter on ze macaroni und stick!
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281. Stick! Express yourselves, ja?
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282. (MOCK GERMAN) Oh, oh, Jeremiah. No.
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283. Oh, no. Ze glue
is all over das lippen.
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284. Do you remember how Cook used to try
and ping his crayons into her bra?
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285. Yeah.
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286. Primary was fun.
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287. Yeah... yeah it was.
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288. Cook wants you to come to
Uncle Keith's pub quiz tomorrow.
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289. Oh, well...
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290. If Cook wants me there, I suppose
I'd better fucking hop to it!
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291. Freddie... Why don't you want
to be friends with us any more?
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292. Cook hasn't got any friends.
Just... people that he knows.
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293. Don't say that.
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294. So? I mean... >
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295. What else are you gonna do?
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296. Anyway...
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297. You'll like this.
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298. Hang on, pack of cards... >
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299. FANS PACK OF CARDS
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300. .. handkerchief, and a mouse, >
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301. but I haven't actually
got a mouse, so... >
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302. so, a rubber.
I need you to pick a card... >
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303. I'll pick it for you. >
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304. Hello, Effy. I hope you're OK.
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305. Good.
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306. for you to remember
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307. each other very much.
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308. No we don't.
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309. No we don't.
No. That's right. We don't.
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310. And that's why you're leaving.
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311. And that's why you're leaving.
That's why I'm leaving.
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312. out of here, woman.
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313. I am fucking out of here...
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314. What's up?
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315. so little imagination,
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316. shagged the turd from Tesco's.
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317. to cunting Oxfam!
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318. Don't you dare use "cunt"
and "Oxfam" in the same sentence!
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319. with your fucking precious money.
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320. All right. I'll take my fucking pan.
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321. Take that pan and
you are fucking dead!
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322. I brought your bracelet back.
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323. Thanks.
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324. We'd be good together.
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325. Don't you think?
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326. Why?
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327. Because I'll break your heart.
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328. Maybe I'll break yours.
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329. Nobody breaks my heart...
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330. and anyway, why would I want that?
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331. Who the buggering tits is this?
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332. Unbelievable.
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333. They're not actually crazy,
you know.
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334. They're just women.
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335. Argh!
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336. DISTANT BANGING
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337. It's amazing what you can
accomplish if you get up early.
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338. Fuck!
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339. Don't swear. You know I
don't like you swearing...
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340. This is bullshit!
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341. This is our fucking shed.
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342. Mine and JJ's and Cook's.
Since we were little kids.
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343. Maybe it's time you grew up then.
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344. Besides, Karen needs
somewhere to rehearse...
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345. and actually it's my shed.
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346. I think this is the worst
thing anyone's ever done to me.
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347. I didn't do to you.
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348. I did it for you.
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349. Right. Question 23...
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350. A swan is the only bird with a penis,
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351. but how long can a cockroach live
after you've pulled its head off?
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352. Easy.
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353. Ah, this is the life, eh? The three
musketeers out on the lash.
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354. Let's have a cheers.
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355. Come on, cheers.
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356. The only man in Britain to survive
three attempts to hang him
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357. was John Babbacombe Lee
at Exeter Jail.
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358. On what dates were
the attempts made?
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359. Keith, what's up
with these questions?
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360. Do you wanna be disqualified?
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361. What were the dates?
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362. Yep. Do you know what
Naomi is spelled backwards?
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363. I moan...
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364. Fucking JJ...
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365. Brilliant, man.
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366. In Sherwood Forest...
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367. Hi Eff, what's up?
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368. You all right...
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369. Yes, fine. Who's this?
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370. What is it?
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371. Mike.
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372. Hmm...
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373. Romantic...
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374. All right, love. Clitoris Allsorts
could do with some more members.
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375. All right Keith,
we're not stopping.
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376. Ok.
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377. Right next question.
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378. When dropped from a height of
100 inches onto concrete,
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379. how high should
a new tennis ball bounce?
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380. Answers in hectares please.
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381. I've got the answer.
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382. Write it down then J-kins.
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383. We don't let nothing
come between us. Yeah?
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384. Bros before hos, boys,
bros before hos.
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385. Yeah.
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386. We've got bigger fish to fuck.
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387. Who does your sister think she is?
Gina fucking G? This shed
situation is fucked.
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388. The Cookie Monster
does not like this.
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389. If you find her so reprehensible,
why did you have sex with her?
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390. Oooh wait, wait. That was supposed
to stay in the vault. Wasn't it?
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391. What you?
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392. JJ?
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393. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm emotionally underdeveloped.
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394. Whoa... You shagged my sister?
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395. You know what I'm like, Freds...
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396. half a bottle of grappa and I
turn into a fucking machine gun.
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397. You fucked my sister?
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398. RETCHING
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399. Just be, Freddie.
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400. Just be.
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401. Fuck!
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402. Bring it, Karen, bring it.
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403. What do you want?
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404. I was just wondering if there was
anything else you wanted to take?
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405. What?
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406. You've got this...
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407. Maybe you want my bedroom
for a tanning salon next.
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408. At least then you might
stand a chance tomorrow.
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409. Freddie...
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410. Just let me rehearse, and you
can bitch at me after the final.
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411. Oh, I am so sorry.
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412. I forgot that's the only thing
that matters in the whole world.
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413. I forgot that's the only thing
that matters in the whole world.
Grow the fuck up.
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414. You don't see it, do you?
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415. You don't see what a stupid
fucking cliche you really are.
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416. Piss off, Freddie.
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417. So out of interest...
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418. What were you dreaming of when you
fucked my best friend?
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419. It wasn't like that...
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420. I bet he fucked you good, didn't he?
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421. I know your type, Karen.
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422. Love me...
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423. Love me...
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424. Love me.
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425. Look, stop it.
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426. You little fucking whore...
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427. Karen. Go to your room.
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428. Get some rest.
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429. Freddie, don't you ever speak
to your sister that way again.
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430. What are you gonna do about it?
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431. Freddie, every time I look at you,
I wonder...
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432. You've got your mother's eyes,
but...
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433. ..I don't know
who you are any more.
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434. You just skate around.
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435. You just fucking skate around.
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436. Yeah?
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437. Is Effy in?
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438. No... There's no-one here
but terrible old me...
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439. Do you know where she is?
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440. Please?
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441. She's at the water park, I think.
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442. She goes there to, um...
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443. .. get away from here.
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444. Effy!
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445. Effy!
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446. Effy!
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447. Effy!
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448. Effy! I wanna talk to you!
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449. 'Hi. This is Effy.
I'm not talking right now.
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450. 'But leave a message and maybe
I'll get back to you...'
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451. Effy, I've come to tell you...
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452. Freddie. I don't think I can...
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453. So, now I've told you... OK?
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454. Now you know...
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455. Jemma, Jemma, Jemma, Jemma!
That was fierce.
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456. Fierce!
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457. Jordan?
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458. I didn't like it...
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459. BOOING
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460. I loved it!
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461. I loved it! I loved it!
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462. Well, done! Thank you very much,
Jemma. Thank you.
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463. OK, it's time for our third
and final act of the evening.
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464. Singing the song that took the
Sexxbombz to number one
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465. in two countries, one protectorate
and of course, Wales...
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466. it's Karen Mclair
with Ass To Ass!
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467. Oh, yes!
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468. Absolutely fantastic!
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469. I'd like to dedicate that
to my mum, Mary Mclair.
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470. I love you so much...
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471. Shut up...
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472. Karen, Karen,
that was amazing.
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473. You are not just in
this competition...
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474. you are this competition!
Yeah! Yeah!
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475. Yes! Yes! Yes!
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476. What about you Sexxbombz,
are you feeling the love tonight?
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477. They're feeling the ass baby!
Fo' shizzle!
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478. They are all feeling the ass.
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479. Thank you Karen, everybody.
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480. OK. It's now time to get voting
for your favourite... Honey?
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481. Jemma? Or Karen?
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482. Lines are open, get dialling now
and come back here in one hour.
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483. One of these three
lovely girls will be the...
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484. new Sexxbomb!
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485. Thanks, mate.
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486. What are you doing, man?
Let's go out and fucking celebrate!
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487. What?
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488. She fucking lost...
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489. I'm not going anywhere.
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490. OK then.
We'll bring the party to you...
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491. Come on J...
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492. JJ...
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493. He wanted to come around...
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494. Don't do anything bad, OK?
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495. Hello, Mr Mclair. Karen.
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496. Hello, JJ.
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497. Bad luck, Karen.
In the competition, like.
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498. But you know...
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499. What goes around comes around.
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500. How much did you lose by again?
15 votes?
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501. Well, that's funny.
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502. Cos that's about how many people
were in Keith's pub tonight.
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503. You voted against her?
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504. Not just me.
Everyone in there. JJ, even.
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505. Cook, don't...
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506. You fucking did what?
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507. You took my shed, I took
your competition. Fair's fair.
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508. You little shit,
you ugly little bastard...
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509. Guys. Guys. Guys.
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510. Let's go out? You can watch me play
pin the sausage on the bramble...
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511. I forgot how limber you were,
Karen...
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512. What's going on?
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513. You prick.
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514. You selfish fucking prick.
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515. Freddie, please.
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516. Freddie, please.
Fucking do it then. You pussy.
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517. I really fucking
love you, you bastard.
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518. JJ, we're leaving, man.
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519. JJ, I'm sorry.
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520. JJ!
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521. You fucking...
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522. 'Hi. This is Effy. I'm not talking
right now but leave a message...'
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523. Hi, um... is Ef...
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524. Give it up, will you?
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525. What?
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526. Just fuck right off.
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527. You've got about
as much chance of fucking me
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528. as becoming the democratically
elected Student President.
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529. You? President?
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530. Yeah man. Problem?
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531. Vote for me!
Vote for non-stop party!
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532. You're such a fucking joke.
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533. I'm a joke? You're fucking hilarious.
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534. Can we go somewhere? Anywhere?
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