1. This programme contains
very strong language, drug use,
and scenes of a sexual.
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2. Don't be stupid. Girls like stupid.
Ain't you worked that out?
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3. How about it then, Peachy?
Looks like it's just me and you.
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4. Great. It's the lesbian come
to gay us up.
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5. I'm Pandora, I'm useless.
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6. You tried to ruin my lovely party.
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7. And now really, really bad things
are going to happen.
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8. Why does your sister think I'm gay?
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9. Shut up about my family. You
don't know me so shut the fuck up!
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10. You're not taking me with you.
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11. The next time I see you,
you're dead.
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12. Hello.
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13. I'm Thomas. So glad to meet you.
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14. Hello.
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15. I'm Thomas.
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16. So glad to meet you.
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17. Hello.
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18. Wayne. Come here! Come here!
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19. Don't talk to him. For fuck's sake.
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20. Allo?
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21. Maman?
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22. Merde!
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23. I bought this card for 120 minutes.
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24. I speak for two minutes.
Nothing left.
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25. You want to buy another card?
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26. No, no, no, no.
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27. My mother, she'll be very upset.
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28. It's five pounds.
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29. Five pounds.
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30. Oi!
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31. Oi, what you doing? Come here.
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32. last time!
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33. CRASHING >
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34. Kick him harder! >
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35. Paki cunt!
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36. Cunt is a very bad word. Very bad.
Even in England, I think. Yes?
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37. What is this "Paki"
that they call you? Is that bad?
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38. I'm from Delhi.
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39. And I hate Pakis.
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40. So, you see?
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41. Disrespectful.
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42. Now, go and play. Go!
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43. Mmmm. Oh!
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44. Mmmm. Ah!
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45. Wow! You've got a wacker lot
of doughnuts.
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46. Yes.
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47. Of course,
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48. I have too many.
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49. Crazy. Ta.
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50. No, thanks.
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51. Effy doesn't do doughnuts.
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52. I see. So, what does she do?
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53. Drugs. We've just been to buy
some skunky, haven't we, Eff?
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54. I can do six of these no problem,
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55. except Mum hides them
behind the fridge-freezer.
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56. Wow! This is blimmin' amazing!
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57. But I need juicing.
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58. You need juicing?
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59. Yeah. Chuck us the Irn-Bru,
would you, Eff?
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60. Barry!
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61. What are you talking about?
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62. Uncle Jock always says
"Barry" when he drinks Irn-Bru.
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63. I don't know why, Mum says it's
because he's Scottish and mad. >
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64. Hello. My name is Thomas.
I'm so glad to meet you.
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65. Effy. So glad to meet you.
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66. I came yesterday, from Africa.
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67. This place is exceedingly cold.
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68. Bummer.
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69. Oh.
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70. Hell's bells.
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71. This way.
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72. Incroyable.
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73. Sorry?
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74. Your house. It's incredible.
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75. Thanks.
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76. Bring the dozy cow up here.
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77. I think maybe these doughnuts
is not good for you.
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78. Yeah, that must be it.
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79. ECSTATIC GROANING >
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80. Mum?
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81. Mum?
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82. Shit! >
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83. Where's my...
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84. Oh, for fuck's sake. >
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85. Jesus Christ! >
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86. Put your trousers on. >
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87. Effy. What are you, er, doing here?
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88. Pandora puked.
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89. You know Steve, don't you?
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90. Hi.
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91. He's been helping me
with my, erm, my project.
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92. Right, yeah.
It's really interesting, isn't it?
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93. Yeah.
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94. Hello. My name is Thomas.
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95. So glad to meet you. Hi.
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96. Good evening.
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97. Shouldn't sneak up on me, should he?
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98. Hmm? No? Yeah?
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99. Yeah. Yeah. No.
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100. Yeah?
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101. No, John.
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102. Should he?
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103. Bring the fucker.
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104. Right, up you get, my lover.
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105. In here!
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106. Bring him in the flat, you twats.
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107. Oh, right. Sorry, mate, Johnny.
Got the wrong end of the stick.
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108. Yeah, he wants to torture
him inside, don't he?
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109. Inside, like.
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110. Yeah, inside
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111. Put the kettle on please, lads.
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112. It's taking a long time there, boss.
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113. Yeah.
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114. I keep saying, like.
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115. Probably shouldn't watch it.
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116. You know?
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117. Right.
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118. Lets get started, shall we?
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119. Hello.
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120. Who's you?
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121. T-T... Thomas.
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122. T-T... Thomas?
You're in my flat.
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123. I thought it was empty.
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124. No-one wants to live here.
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125. That's true. I wouldn't live here.
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126. I'd have to be a dirty arsehole.
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127. Right?
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128. Yeah. You'd be a right dirty
arsehole.
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129. You wouldn't be a dirty arsehole.
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130. Passport.
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131. Not you, Bennie!
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132. You.
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133. Fair enough.
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134. Business or pleasure?
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135. Sorry?
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136. Are you here
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137. for business or pleasure?
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138. Business
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139. Correct answer!
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140. Kettle's boiled, Johnny.
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141. Now we're ready, Thomas.
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142. Lucas.
Load a Pot.
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143. Coming up, Johnny.
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144. This whole estate is mine.
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145. People like you, Thomas,
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146. you gotta pay to use it, see?
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147. You wanna watch that there, Johnny.
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148. That's fucking hot, mate.
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149. You sauced it?
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150. I want you to see what kind of
man you're dealing with, Thomas.
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151. NOISY GULPING
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152. That is... >
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153. I want 300 deposit
by Desperate Housewives on Thursday.
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154. And don't bother trying to move
flat, cos they're all mine.
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155. And that'll be 400 by X Factor.
We wouldn't want that, would we?
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156. No.
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157. No.
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158. Say goodnight to Thomas, boys.
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159. See ya, cocker.
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160. Cheers, Thommo. All the best.
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161. Be lucky.
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162. Dear Mama, little brother and sister.
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163. I may be a long way from home,
but you are so close to my thoughts.
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164. I am sending you this message
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165. because you must practice
your English before you come.
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166. Here, the sun shines
just like at home
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167. and there are many wonderful people.
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168. HE SPEAKS FRENCH
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169. Loba na nga
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170. Where you going?
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171. I need work.
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172. Fuck off, mister.
This isn't your work.
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173. Boy, they will beat you.
You want them to beat you?
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174. No. But I must have money.
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175. They take anyone.
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176. No documents. You forgot them, OK?
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177. OK.
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178. Now fuck off.
Before we beat you, huh?
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179. Thank you, Sir.
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180. This is a very cold country.
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181. Did you bring your
visa and work permit?
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182. I'm very sorry. I forgot them.
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183. Special skills?
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184. I play all music.
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185. I run very, very fast. Like a dog.
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186. Also, I am mathematical.
I will solve any equation.
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187. None. Qualifications?
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188. Top of my class at school.
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189. All A's. The village was very proud.
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190. Where?
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191. In Congo.
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192. None. Work experience?
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193. Every day I fetch the goats.
I milk them and...
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194. Goats?
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195. In my village, before sunrise.
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196. I milk the goats, I collect the
dung since I was four years old.
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197. None.
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198. This job will get me 300, yes?
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199. My mother is coming you see and
she's a very fussy lady.
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200. Yeah.
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201. And you can start tomorrow.
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202. What must I do?
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203. Excellent machine.
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204. BELL RINGS
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205. EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
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206. Effy! Effy!
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207. Effy! Excuse me!
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208. Effy, hi! Look.
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209. I got a new top. It's cool, isn't it?
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210. When you've got tits like mine,
you've gotta flash 'em haven't you?
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211. Sorry?
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212. Breasts, girl.
You should try it.
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213. I never try.
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214. Huh?
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215. Stop fucking following me, will you!
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216. I wasn't, I was...
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217. A strange place, this college.
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218. Sorry?
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219. Everyone is loud
and they care about nothing.
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220. Yeah. You're right.
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221. You are the same as your sister.
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222. I'm not the same as her.
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223. No?
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224. Maybe you're a little more pretty.
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225. Cheeky.
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226. Most satisfactory.
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227. MUFFLED AFRICAN DRUMMING
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228. everyone.
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229. Growl. You're African.
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230. Come on!
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231. Come on, Colin.
You're camouflaged. Get some bush!
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232. And stalking. Stalking your prey!
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233. And it's building, building. Marimba!
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234. Great! Great, gazelles. Feel the sun
beating down on your haunches.
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235. Stretch, stretch.
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236. And cue vultures!
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237. Circling, circling...
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238. And pounce!
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239. And finish!
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240. Finish, Pandora!
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241. What do you think?
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242. Well...
That's just smashing, Samantha.
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243. Well done, everyone!
I can absolutely smell the Savannah.
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244. This is going to blow
the Ofsted inspectors away.
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245. BELL RINGS
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246. Right! OK, everyone.
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247. Thank you. Thank you all. A triumph!
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248. They've got a real sense of rhythm,
haven't they? Thrilling.
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249. In fact, er... I was wondering, well
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250. have you seen Out Of Africa?
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251. No.
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252. I have it on DVD. Similar themes.
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253. Maybe I could come over sometime
and wang my disc in your box?
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254. Oh, yeah! Possibly.
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255. Hello, friend.
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256. HE STRUMS
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257. Hi. I forgot my tail.
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258. Oh.
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259. Blooming heck,
you've got fast fingers.
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260. You can pluck super quick.
That's gotta be handy.
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261. Thomas? >
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262. Why are you crying?
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263. Wow! England is beautiful.
Everything is green.
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264. Wicked green, cos it
pisses down most days.
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265. Anyway, Effy told me you carried
me back, stripped me naked,
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266. and laid me tenderly in your bed.
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267. and laid me tenderly in your bed.
Excuse me? I didn't... What?
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268. You must be wondrously
strong to carry me.
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269. I've carried heavier goats.
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270. You're funny!
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271. You're funny!
Am I?
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272. Yeah. And you like all the same
things as me. Dancing, doughnuts...
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273. Excuse me. I'm a little hungry.
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274. That's why we're going
to see Auntie Elizabeth.
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275. She makes ripper scones.
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276. Scones?
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277. Yup. And the best tea ever.
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278. My God! How many people live here?
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279. One. But Auntie Lizzie
has a wicked load of stuff.
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280. Now then, we're ready
to hear all about you.
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281. Thanks, Lizziepoo.
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282. Well, my family is from
Ouesso District, Sangha, in Congo.
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283. My mother will come next week
with my brother and sister,
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284. and we'll live here, together.
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285. and we'll live here, together.
Oh, how very exciting!
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286. You must bring them round.
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287. Do have a scone.
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288. Thank you.
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289. Oh, no! Tea first. Scones always
taste better after tea.
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290. Auntie grows it herself.
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291. Mmm. >
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292. Makes my lips tingle
and everything. >
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293. That's wonderful. Mmm! >
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294. Heaven.
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295. Oooh! >
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296. It's interesting.
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297. I'd be very pleased
to see how it is grown.
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298. Of course, my dear boy. Yes.
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299. Just as soon as we've all
got well and truly sconed.
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300. So I had this lodger, Darnell.
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301. He's a charming chap from Kingston,
Jamaica. Most entertaining.
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302. Anyway, he needed somewhere
to keep his tea plants.
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303. Pay attention, dear.
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304. So, Darnell, it was an
awful business, poor chap.
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305. He fell out with his brothers
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306. and they were so cross he had to
go back to Jamaica rather quickly.
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307. Blimey. They don't half grow.
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308. So, this is where we dry it out.
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309. It's terribly easy. But, flipping
'eck, it's coming out of my ears.
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310. It's lucky that it
goes so well with cake!
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311. Maybe I could sell some.
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312. I think people would like it
very much.
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313. What an enterprising chap!
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314. You know, you could do worse, Panda.
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315. You could do a lot worse!
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316. You get me, blood?
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317. You don't have much furniture
in here, do you, Thomas? >
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318. I must buy some
before my mother comes.
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319. She is a powerful lady, most
powerful. Especially on the backhand.
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320. You're gonna have to sell
a shoe-load of tea to buy a sofa,
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321. even if it's a once in a lifetime,
rock bottom offer at World of
Leather.
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322. There's hardly enough for three
or four cups in those bags.
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323. Pandora, this isn't just
what you think it is.
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324. Well, what in the bollocking
name of buggery is it?
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325. That's smoking a lot
better than Mum's Earl Grey!
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326. Yes. And rather more expensive.
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327. You're amazing.
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328. Wow.
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329. Now I get it.
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330. Cripes.
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331. That was kissing.
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332. No, Pandora. This is kissing.
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333. So Dave tells Steve exactly how it
is. Doesn't pull his punches.
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334. He said, "Let's take this outside,
you tosser!" Just like that!
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335. Fucking hell, Steve. That's the
Managing Director, for fuck's sake!
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336. Great guy. Stupid, but great.
You liked him, didn't you love?
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337. Yeah, you know. He's OK.
Anyway, look,
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338. a funny thing happened to me
in the supermarket today...
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339. a funny thing happened to me
in the supermarket today...
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340. We share the same tastes. He was
surprisingly complimentary about
you, love.
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341. Right.
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342. That'll be him now.
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343. That'll be him now.
What?
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344. I invited Steve over for a drink. >
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345. I made a friend!
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346. Fucking coming!
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347. It's more complicated
than you think.
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348. Doesn't seem complicated. You're
fucking my dad's line manager.
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349. No biggie.
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350. No biggie.
Give me a chance to sort it out.
Please, Effy...
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351. Well, it's not Steve. >
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352. But look who it is!
What's your name again?
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353. But look who it is!
What's your name again?
Pandora.
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354. Ridiculous! >
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355. Hi, Effy. Hi, Anthea. Hi, Jim.
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356. This is Thomas. Guess what?
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357. We've been snogging!
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358. Never(!)
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359. Yeah! And we need some advice.
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360. Oh?
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361. Yeah. We've got a shitload of weed!
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362. Right. Let's take this
upstairs, shall we?
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363. Eff. I've been doing it
with tongues. Come on, Thomas.
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364. So glad to meet you again.
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365. You look different
with your clothes on.
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366. What?
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367. I just defrosted a nice tart tatin.
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368. You pussies turned up, then?
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369. Hey. What's up? >
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370. My cock, hopefully.
You know what I mean?
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371. I'm still upset.
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372. I'm never going to a brothel
with you again.
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373. Ah! You loved it.
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374. Hey-oop. We got action.
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375. Yeah. They all hate you.
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376. Why?
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377. Why?
Cos you're a tit.
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378. How many times have I gotta
tell you retards? Tit works.
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379. Girls! We were just discussing
breasts and there you were.
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380. Tosser!
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381. This is the guy you're
gonna help out tonight.
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382. So glad.
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383. Thomas has gotta get
300 quid by tomorrow,
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384. otherwise Johnny White's
gonna make him eat...
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385. otherwise Johnny White's
gonna make him eat...
Johnny White?
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386. He's got 13 ounces
of weed in the bag.
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387. He's got 13 ounces
of weed in the bag.
OK! >
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388. If you'd help, I could give you much.
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389. It's excellent weed.
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390. It's excellent weed.
Hi.
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391. Oh, Christ.
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392. Not again. Who phoned her?
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393. Please, Katie. Don't.
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394. Hi, sorry. I couldn't find a bus.
You said somebody needed a hand?
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395. You like giving hand. Don't you?
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396. See you.
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397. For fuck's sake!
She didn't kiss me, OK.
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398. She practically jumped you.
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399. gave me MDMA, and...
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400. I felt like fucking kissing someone!
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401. I'm satisfied!
Be better if you showed us!
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402. Shut the fuck up, Cook.
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403. You promised me a party.
Where is it?
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404. Can't you feel it, kids?
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405. It's the sound of the underground.
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406. Come on, you suckers. Let's go.
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407. Cool.
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408. Woo-hoo!
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409. Come on!
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410. No fucking beat to this tune.
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411. Oh, no. It's there, boss.
You just gotta be pilled up.
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412. You're supposed to be
selling not necking, Benny.
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413. You look like a
fucking nonce, you twat.
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414. Hang on!
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415. He's pushing dope
at my fucking shindig!
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416. Go! Go, motherfuckers!
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417. No! Him!
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418. Jesus!
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419. Wait till I get my hands on that
little fucker. Out of my way!
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420. Fucking hell. Ooh!
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421. Fucking wankers!
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422. How much you sold?
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423. I done three bags. Tenner each.
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424. Don't even know why
I'm fucking doing this.
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425. Thanks for keeping schtum.
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426. I don't care what
your sister thinks.
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427. Yeah, well, I do. >
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428. So thanks anyway. >
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429. I didn't take MDMA that night.
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430. I just wanted to kiss you. >
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431. I want to kiss you now.
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432. You're gay?
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433. No... No, I just... >
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434. Sorry.
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435. Yeah, me too.
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436. Shit. Shit!
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437. Which are you?
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438. Which are you?
Gay... I mean, Emily.
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439. Emily. Already I have 175. My weed
is cheap and, my god, they love it!
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440. I got 80.
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441. I got 80.
Oh, this country is so great!
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442. Oh! T-T-Thomas!
You're on my t-t-turf!
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443. It's hitting profits,
so you gotta pay.
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444. And we only accept cash and pain.
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445. Get the little fucker!
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446. Fucking smash him!
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447. My brother! White people
are gonna to season me!
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448. What the fuck, blood?
Quick, gimme your T.
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449. Gimme the T-shirt!
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450. Quick! Come on stage, you can
blend in the posse. Up here!
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451. Let's get this started. Yeah, let
me hear you make some noise for T!
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452. Let me hear you make some
noise for my African brother!
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453. 85, 95. That's it. 295.
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454. There you go, fella.
Should be plenty.
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455. Look after that, yeah? >
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456. This is...
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457. You are good people.
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458. I have dreamed of and...
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459. Now you are my friends, too.
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460. Oh, shit. >
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461. Morning, fella.
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462. Now we're really gonna fellate you.
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463. Gentlemen.
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464. Didn't I say I'd kill you
if I ever saw you again?
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465. Believe this is mine.
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466. I love my work. Love it.
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467. You must be some kind
of English pussy cunt? >
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468. You heard me. >
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469. I think you're afraid.
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470. Possibly your father
was a homosexual donkey.
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471. I will fight you by myself.
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472. You can choose any weapon.
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473. You just made my day.
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474. So, in summary,
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475. I win.
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476. You are my gimp forever,
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477. beat you,
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478. and your mates to a pulp,
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479. and my boys rape all the women.
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480. Um, boss, the lads...
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481. The lads aren't too keen,
you know, on the rape.
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482. For fuck's sake!
I'm talking dangerous!
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483. Fucking Bristol.
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484. No ambition. No... edge, no style.
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485. You know? >
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486. Provincial.
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487. Sorry, boss. >
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488. I'm ready.
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489. How do you want to fight?
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490. Promise you.
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491. You're gonna shit yourself.
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492. Oh, yeah.
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493. You ever seen a Naga Jolokia before,
Thomas?
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494. Hottest chilli on the planet.
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495. It's like being fisted
by Joe Calzaghe.
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496. And Joe's still got his gloves on.
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497. Who flinches...
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498. is fucked.
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499. You.
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500. Oh, in God's name, no.
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501. (My God!) >
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502. Mmm.
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503. Delicious.
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504. Delicious.
Well done, mate. >
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505. Well done, Thomas. >
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506. What?
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507. My mother.
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508. She grows these in our garden.
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509. We are forbidden to eat them,
she will beat us if we disobey.
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510. But boys will be boys.
And I am a very naughty boy.
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511. If I win, I pay you no money,
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512. and you leave me and my friends
alone forever.
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513. You.
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514. Oh, my God. >
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515. What is that?
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516. SQUELCHING
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517. He shat himself.
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518. Oh. Oh, my God. That...
That is so humiliating.
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519. Oh, no. >
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520. Right, come on, lads.
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521. Let's get out of here.
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522. Mate, that is humming. >
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523. Mate, that is humming. >
You can't respect a man
who shits himself, can you? >
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524. Nan.
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525. Pandora, sweetness,
what are you doing?
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526. Pandora, sweetness,
what are you doing?
I've given it some thought,
and I've decided.
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527. You're gonna be the first, Thomas.
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528. The first?
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529. Yup.
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530. What do I want? Surfing and turfing.
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531. When do I want it?
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532. Now!
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533. Mama!
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534. (BOTH) Thomas!
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535. Come on, JJ.
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536. Hi.
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537. You gonna come
and flippin' well jump me now?
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538. I took my bra off and everything!
Look!
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539. Aren't they fucking amazing?
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540. Mama...
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541. Pyjama party means one thing.
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542. Girls getting friendly.
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543. It's girls only, right?
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544. It's girls only, right?
Yeah.
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545. We're gonna tell secrets
and get intimate.
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546. We're gonna tell secrets
and get intimate.
Getting to know each other.
Experimenting. Getting lubed up,
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547. gagging for forbidden fruit.
We're gonna give it to them.
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548. This is my party, and I'm upset,
because my boyfriend got deported.
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549. Hey, Katie!
Which fucking house, girl?
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550. Oh, shit!
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551. Oh, shit!
The lads!
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552. You're supposed to be playing,
and eating jelly,
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553. playing Twister at my party!
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554. No.
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555. And telling me how to pop my cherry
with my boyfriend.
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