1. This programme contains very strong
language, violence and scenes of a
sexual nature.
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2. I'm tired of you. >
What's that mean?
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3. I can't look after you any more.
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4. 'We're friends cos you
don't surf 'n' turf my men.'
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5. He's not yours.
He'll never belong to anyone.
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6. I've told you. Now you know.
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7. 'Please make up with Freddie.'
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8. 'Freddie can fuck himself.'
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9. Just care. OK? About what?
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10. About me, you twat!
You're all fucking twats!
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11. Hit me. Ready?
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12. Where are we going?
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13. It's you and me, babe.
It's always gonna be you and me.
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14. CAWING
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15. Morning, slugger.
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16. Where are we?
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17. Thought you were the
man with the plan.
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18. I am.
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19. I am.
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20. I am.
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21. It's been weeks, Cook. One small
shitty town after another.
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22. Oh, Ef, it's not about the
destination.
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23. It's about the journey.
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24. '09 Bonnie and Clyde.
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25. Outlaw tour of Britain.
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26. I'm serious, Cook.
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27. Where are we going?
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28. We're here.
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29. This is it.
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30. Here?
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31. Here. This town.
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32. Why?
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33. Because this is where my dad lives.
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34. Aren't you coming with me?
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35. Not yet.
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36. But I want you to meet him.
I brought you here to meet him.
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37. I will.
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38. But I think
you need to meet him first.
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39. Don't be a pussy.
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40. Be careful.
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41. Ladies and germs,
the fucking Milky Bars are on me.
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42. Drinks all round, yeah?
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43. (Man)Ah, Jesus.
Everyone, the fruit of my looms.
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44. My fucking son.
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45. And this is
his very lovely ladyfriend.
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46. Pints and shots over here, monsieur,
and make it snappy,
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47. my mouth's as dry as a nun's.
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48. Have a view at the only copper
for 40 miles. Eh?
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49. (LAUGHING)
Do what you like. Smoke inside.
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50. Ash on the fucking floor,
see if anyone bats an eyelid.
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51. In fact... piss on it.
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52. There's a couple of old boys
would pay top dollar to see that.
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53. This ain't Kansas any more, Toto.
Out here you are free as fuck.
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54. A-fucking-men.
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55. You get one round
on account of your lad being here.
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56. Donald, how am I meant
to clear my tab, eh?
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57. Your wife's away so much
I hardly get a chance to see to her.
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58. That's 345... 23 pence.
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59. (GEORDIE ACCENT)
"That's 345 pounds... 23 pence."
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60. Dick.
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61. The only thing that matters
to shitheads like him is money.
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62. It's a fucking disgrace, Dad.
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63. I mean, there's got to be more
to life than that, am I right?
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64. Like what?
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65. Fucking. Shagging.
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66. 'Ey! Ah-ha-ha! Great minds, Son.
Great minds.
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67. Everyone knows the best things
in life are free.
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68. Never a truer word, Dad.
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69. (SIGHING)
Can't believe it.
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70. This.
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71. Mm?
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72. Feels all right, don't it?
Me and you, back together. At last.
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73. I'm like a dog with two dicks!
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74. There's nothing more
important than blood.
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75. Eh? Isn't that right, princess?
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76. (HE SIGHS)
I can't find item 47758 anywhere.
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77. CLATTERING
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78. Someone's made
a very inconvenient error.
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79. If we have to go
through all the 477s
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80. I'm going to be piqued,
not to mention vexed.
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81. Especially if someone's... Woah...
Woah, woah, woah!
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82. CRASHING
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83. You all right?
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84. Yep, don't worry. My back
and skull cushioned the fall.
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85. Here's item 47758.
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86. I told you to be more careful
on the step ladder, J.
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87. Stupid old useless, mental me.
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88. You're not useless... just...
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89. Who loses a toilet seat on a bus?
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90. The 477s are all from trains.
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91. Have you got, like, some kind
of problem with me?
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92. I just wish you wouldn't smoke
so much weed while we're working.
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93. Why? They don't care.
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94. It's just a bit... boring sometimes.
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95. Are you saying I'm boring?
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96. Right, so what's next on the list?
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97. Look, Fred, sorry.
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98. Look, Fred, sorry.
It's fine.
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99. Please, I'm sorry, Fred.
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100. Please, I'm sorry, Fred.
It's... fine.
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101. For flip's sake! Stop saying
it's fine!
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102. It's not fine! Nothing's fine!
It's all... smegged, OK?
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103. You're really getting the hang
of this swearing stuff, J(!)
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104. OK, how about this, then?
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105. I mother-fucking, fanny-farting,
cock-munching resign!
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106. What do you mean you're quitting?
You can't quit.
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107. I can.
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108. I learned from the best.
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109. You've still got the toilet seat.
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110. Are you... Effy's friend?
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111. I... I think so. Are you her mum?
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112. Can I... sit?
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113. JJ, right? The magician.
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114. Oh... I used to do magic.
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115. Not any more, though.
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116. I used to be married.
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117. Not any more, though.
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118. Pick a card, any card.
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119. I thought you gave up.
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120. Some things are
quite hard to let go of.
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121. Effy likes magic.
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122. Are you sure?
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123. Well, yeah, not the... you know,
stupid abracadabra sort. I...
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124. I'm so sorry.
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125. It's OK.
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126. I've come to terms with the facts.
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127. You know...
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128. she was four years old the first
time she beat me at hide and seek.
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129. Four!
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130. I was looking for her for hours.
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131. When I finally found her...
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132. she just smiled.
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133. You know that Effy smile?
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134. That means...
"You don't know me at all.
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135. "And you never will."
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136. See, that's a kind of magic.
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137. She's so good at concealing things
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138. and... hiding, avoiding.
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139. Yeah.
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140. But I do know her.
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141. And I know that she has got
so much love in her heart...
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142. .. that the thought of...
letting it out,
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143. showing her cards...
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144. it scares her to death.
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145. I never knew it would be possible
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146. to miss someone this much.
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147. Go on, Dad!
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148. Come on, all the way!
All the way, Dad!
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149. Go on, Dad!
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150. Go on, Dad!
Go on!
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151. Go on, Dad!
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152. Excellent. Piece of piss.
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153. Have that!
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154. Well, he's done most of it.
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155. Go on, don't be a twat,
give him his prize.
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156. The whole jar, we said.
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157. All right.
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158. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum...
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159. Nice. Ease you in.
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160. There she goes.
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161. Get in!
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162. There you go.
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163. One half-pint of bitter,
you sad little man.
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164. Right! Time!
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165. Everyone either head down the club
or fuck off home!
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166. (WOMAN) Oh, I'm gonna
have to neck it now.
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167. How about that, boys? Eh?
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168. All right?
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169. Hey.
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170. What you doin'?
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171. Not sure.
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172. What you doin' tomorrow?
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173. It's the solstice steeplechase.
Come down and watch.
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174. The what?
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175. It's a race.
Old village tradition.
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176. I'm champion, three years running.
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177. Aren't I, lads?
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178. Whoop-de-do.
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179. You know, if you were my girl,
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180. I wouldn't let you out of my sight.
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181. Yeah?
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182. I'd handcuff you to the bed an' all.
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183. Those things'll kill you, you know.
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184. Hadn't heard.
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185. That's funny,
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186. You can put it on your tombstone.
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187. So, what, you don't smoke?
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188. Drink?
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189. Nothing?
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190. We're straight-edge.
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191. (COOK) Ef! Effy!
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192. I don't let the pressure
crush me up.
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193. You've got to look after yourself.
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194. Know what I mean?
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195. Come on, Ef. We're going clubbin'.
You, me and Dad.
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196. No.
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197. What?
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198. Let's get out of here.
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199. Let's just go, now.
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200. Effy...
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201. Listen, there's nowhere else to go.
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202. This is it.
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203. And it's fucking brilliant!
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204. Come on, let's go get fucked up.
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205. Owwwwwwwwwwww!
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206. So what d'you think of her, then?
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207. Very tidy.
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208. Nice pins, quality tits
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209. and an arse like two snooker balls
in a sock. Marvellous!
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210. Yeah. I'd ride that to hell
and back.
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211. Looks like I'll have to get
in the fucking queue, though.
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212. No, I'm going to keep her, you know.
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213. She's mine.
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214. No cunt's taking her away from me.
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215. I reckon some cunt already did.
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216. Oi.
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217. What? You fucking prick!
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218. Fucking prick! Fucking...
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219. (Man) Come on!
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220. DISTANT FOGHORN
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221. Full moon.
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222. When the full moon rises...
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223. .. gods and monsters
will come out to play.
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224. So how does it feel? Eh?
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225. To have everyone want you?
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226. That Donny's desperate
to get into your pants.
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227. Are you gonna let him?
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228. What about me?
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229. You gonna let me into your pants?
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230. Yeah. Too pretty for your own good.
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231. That's why you destroy
everything you touch.
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232. Look who's talking.
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233. I'm Guns N' Roses, love.
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234. I've got an appetite
for destruction.
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235. You're not his dad. Not really.
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236. And you're not his girlfriend.
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237. Not really.
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238. You're going to fucking
snap that boy's heart in two.
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239. And you've been doing it to him
every day of his life.
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240. Where do you think you're going?
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241. Nowhere.
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242. (Woman) Uhhh! Ohh, yeah!
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243. Ohhh... Uhhhh!
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244. Uhhhh... Ahh!
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245. Ahh...
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246. Ohh.
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247. Ooh... Aah...
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248. Freddie!
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249. Ahh!
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250. Oh, yeah, right there. Ohh!
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251. JJ's here.
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252. Bye.
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253. Oh.
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254. Oi!
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255. Sorry, it's just... Facebook really
needs to hear about this.
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256. (WOMAN ON FILM) Ohhh...
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257. I just wanted to say something.
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258. Maybe I'll turn this off first, yeah?
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259. You can look now.
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260. So what's up? I thought you'd quit.
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261. I can't quit. You can't quit.
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262. None of us can.
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263. We're still the Musketeers.
We do stuff.
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264. Well, what are we supposed to do?
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265. We're supposed to find them.
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266. We're supposed to sort
this mess out once and for all.
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267. There's nothing to sort out.
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268. Really?
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269. What is this number?
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270. Hello?
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271. Hello?
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272. Who is this?
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273. Who is this?
Freddie...
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274. Cook's in trouble.
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275. He needs your help.
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276. You need to come get him, right?
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277. Well, why can't you help him?
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278. Because I love you.
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279. No idea.
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280. She must have fucked off
sometime during the night.
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281. What?
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282. Probably jealous of you and me.
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283. We've got to find her.
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284. We've got to find her.
Never mind, she'll be back.
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285. How do you know?
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286. She's in a small town,
she's got fuck-all money
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287. and she's got no car.
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288. Anyway, fanny's fanny.
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289. Yeah? Family's family.
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290. I've got an idea that's going to
take this town by fucking storm.
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291. But I need you with me 100%. Yeah?
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292. Yeah.
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293. Right, when we get in there...
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294. You do the talking.
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295. Great minds, son. Great minds.
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296. Yeah, Dad.
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297. Oh, I've missed "Dad".
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298. Fuck off, Dad!
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299. Oh! Place looks cracking, Donald.
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300. What time's Binkie the Clown
serving up jelly and ice cream?
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301. Piss off, you. You're never getting
a drink in here, ever.
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302. Fucking hell, Donald. >
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303. Your customer service
has gone right out the window. >
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304. They'd never stand for that
in the States. >
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305. You want to sod off to America,
Cook, be my guest.
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306. I'll even buy your ticket.
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307. But if I left, Donald, I'd never
be able to pay off me debt.
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308. How are you ever
gonna pay me back?
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309. Little wager.
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310. Oh, wonderful(!) Do tell.
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311. My boy here...
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312. ..is going to enter
your steeplechase.
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313. AIR HISSES OUT OF BALLOON
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314. That...
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315. is... good news.
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316. No-one was even bothering
to enter against Donny this year.
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317. (LAUGHING) Oh, fucking hell!
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318. What's the bet?
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319. If my boy wins,
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320. you drop the debt, like Bono wants
for them starving Africans.
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321. Fine. But if he loses...
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322. ..I get your boat
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323. and you fuck off out of town.
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324. You're fucking on.
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325. Beat you later, then. >
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326. What a shithole.
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327. Well, this was the area code.
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328. SEAGULL CRIES
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329. So what do you reckon?
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330. Shall we... have a look around town,
do you think, try and find that
phone box?
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331. No, we'll stay here.
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332. How do you know they'll be here?
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333. They're coming. OK? They have to.
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334. What the fuck are you doing here?
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335. Um...
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336. What the fuck are you doing here?
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337. We thought you might be in trouble.
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338. Do I look like I'm in trouble?
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339. I'm fucking ten times better
than you've ever been,
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340. you pair of miserable,
boring shites.
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341. Where is she?
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342. Oh, right.
That's why you came.
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343. Fucking hell. You don't know
when you're fucking beat, do you?
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344. Guys, this isn't how
it's supposed to...
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345. How did you find me?
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346. She called him.
But... just stop this, right?
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347. Listen to me, please.
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348. JJ, stop it.
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349. Fuck off, JJ.
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350. Oh, OK, then. You know, flipping...
flip the both of you, then.
Fuck-turds!
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351. Enter the race.
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352. You what?
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353. Enter the race.
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354. The winner gets to keep her.
For ever.
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355. You're a child.
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356. You're a pussy. Come on,
let's fucking settle this.
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357. In a race?
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358. You got any other ideas?
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359. Ladies and gentlemen,
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360. welcome to the annual
solstice steeplechase.
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361. From time immemorial, this race has
typified the spirit of our town -
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362. tough, uncompromising, hard.
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363. Many have attempted the challenge.
Few have succeeded.
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364. It's winner-takes-all
and everyone else can fuck off.
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365. Allow me to introduce
the reigning champion,
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366. my son, Donny Donaldson.
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367. Yes! Yes! Yes!
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368. Who's that bellend?
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369. Not since the first time,
since Kriss Akabusi graced us
with his presence,
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370. we have outsiders in the race,
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371. so I'd better explain the rules.
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372. Once round the village.
First one back here is the winner.
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373. Oh, and if you drop your elder,
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374. you're out, and, er, we give you
a bit of a shoeing, lads.
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375. Elders, assemble.
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376. Choose your riders.
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377. Elders, mount.
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378. On your marks...
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379. .. set... go!
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380. I think I'll chop up your boat
and use it for firewood.
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381. Come on, son!
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382. Come on, Donny! Away, man!
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383. You dropped her!
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384. Fuck you!
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385. Why did you stop, mate?
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386. He fucking elbowed me.
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387. So?
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388. That's not fair, is it?
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389. Fair?
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390. What do you think this is?
Enid Blyton?
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391. Come on, son! Come on, son!
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392. Come on!
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393. Argh!
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394. JJ, you...!
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395. Oh, you twat!
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396. Crap, you were.
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397. CHANTING
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398. (JJ) This is my race! Mine!
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399. (CHANTING) JJ, JJ, JJ, JJ, JJ...
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400. Tell your dad that I'll be there
in the morning to collect me
winnings.
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401. You fucking dick!
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402. You've lost my dad's boat, Effy...
I've got fuck all now, you...
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403. JOINT CLICKS
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404. This is the wushu finger hold.
I learnt it in a book. Of a film.
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405. J, let's just leave it now...
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406. CLICK
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407. I'm pretty sure if I apply
the correct pressure,
your eyes pop out.
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408. J, my eyes aren't going to pop out.
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409. Do you really want to take
that chance?
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410. Let's not air our dirty laundry
in public, boys.
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411. You, too.
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412. Not you, loser.
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413. Take a seat, Ef.
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414. JJ, mate...
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415. Now, let's get down to it.
No more evasion.
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416. No more,
"Ooh, I'm so fit and mysterious."
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417. Now, Freddie -
he's in love with you.
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418. Aren't you, Freddie?
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419. Aren't you, Freddie?
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420. And Cook, he loves you, yes?
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421. And just for the record,
I love you, too.
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422. Plus... I won the race.
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423. So, three boys, one girl.
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424. It's an insoluble equation,
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425. unless you choose.
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426. Then we can finally
get back to our lives.
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427. Fuck all of yous.
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428. Cook, Cook! No!
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429. Your Prince Charming made a bet
on you - whoever wins the race
gets to keep you.
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430. Classy, eh?
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431. Effy, I didn't know. Cook, stay.
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432. No, I'm not living
on my fucking knees any more.
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433. Cook, we can solve this.
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434. Stay here, you two.
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435. What did you expect?
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436. You made this a game first.
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437. Remember that stupid fucking list?
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438. You made this happen. And it's all
your fault this is all so fucked up.
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439. I know. You know?
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440. What sort of fucking answer's that?
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441. The only one I've got.
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442. (JJ) Cook!
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443. Cook.
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444. Cook.
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445. You all think...
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446. you all think that I'm scum -
that you're better than me,
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447. that you're better than my dad.
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448. Cook...
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449. I'm not better than your dad.
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450. You are.
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451. You're better than someone
who runs away from the people
who love them. Who need them.
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452. Oh, fuck off, man. You daft boon!
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453. Cook...
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454. where are you going?
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455. I'm going to drink myself to death.
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456. Then I'm going to say sorry to me
dad. Then life finally begins.
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457. Dad?
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458. Dad!
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459. I thought we was gonna take
this town by storm, you and me.
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460. I'm not letting that twat
take my boat.
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461. Well, can't I just
come with you, then?
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462. Look, I didn't ask for this.
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463. I didn't ask you to turn up here.
There's no fucking space.
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464. ENGINE STOPS
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465. What the fuck are you doing?
Give me the keys.
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466. What the fuck are you doing?
Give me the keys.
No.
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467. Let me tell you something, James.
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468. I never fucking wanted you
in the first place.
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469. So give me the keys
and get off the fucking boat.
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470. No.
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471. Give me the fucking keys!
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472. Give me the fucking keys!
No.
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473. FLARE HISSES AND BURSTS INTO FLAME
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474. Now, give Daddy the keys, or I'm
gonna melt your fucking face off!
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475. Be sensible, son.
I'll fucking do it.
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476. I'll fucking do it!
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477. I don't give a fuck.
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478. I don't, either. (SOBS)
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479. FLARE CONTINUES TO HISS
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480. This is bad.
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481. Fuck!
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482. Cook, are you all right?
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483. He didn't mean it.
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484. What's the fucking difference?
Nothing good ever stays with me.
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485. Absolutely nothing.
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486. You've got me.
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487. I can't believe
we just went granny racing.
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488. I had it all planned out, man.
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489. Get a boat of our own,
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490. moor it down here,
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491. a job, everything.
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492. But she doesn't love me.
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493. She does. I know she does.
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494. She loves you better.
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495. I was with her last night.
Do you understand?
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496. So you know what I've
come here to ask you.
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497. Cook, please...
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498. please just say it's OK.
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499. I can't.
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500. Freds, I just can't.
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501. I'm sorry.
I just fucking love her.
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502. I'm sorry.
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503. I fucking love her.
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504. But we can't share, can we?
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505. Cook! Freddie!
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506. Right, there you are.
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507. What's up?
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508. On balance, I'd say he was alive. >
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509. Great. >
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510. Should we... like... tie him up?
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511. No. A bump to the head like that,
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512. you don't want to interrupt
the blood flow.
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513. Right, we'll dump him later. >
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514. Everyone wrap up warm.
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515. What are you doing?
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516. What are you doing?
JJ? >
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517. We are going home.
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518. We can't just nick the boat,
this is ridiculous.
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519. This is 17 years' worth
of birthday and Christmas presents.
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520. Cook, start the engine, please.
We need to leave quite quickly.
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521. Why? Too late.
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522. Look.
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523. Oi!
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524. Oh, my God! >
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525. Get on the boat. Go, go, go.
Get that engine started, OK?
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526. Hurry up, Fred. >
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527. Help me push it out.
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528. Hurry up!
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529. JJ, help him, will you?
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530. Wanker!
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531. THEY SHOUT, COOK LAUGHS
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532. Wankers!
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533. It's all right, you little fucks.
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534. Wankers! >
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535. You shit, I'll find you!
I'll find you!
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536. (LAUGHS) Fuck you!
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537. I'm Cook, you shithead!
I'm Cook!
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538. Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! >
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539. Come here.
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540. I knew you wouldn't let me down,
son. Eh?
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541. I'm Cook, you fuckers!
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542. Cook!
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543. No. I'm Cook.
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544. Fuck you! Fuck you!
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545. Fuck you!
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546. So... what do we do now?
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547. SEAGULLS SQUAWK
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