Silicon Valley 6x4

1. All we wanted was Foxhole,

2. and instead we got all these Hooli people.

3. We really couldn't just fire them, sight unseen?

4. Uh-uh. Tracy from HR has to do an assessment

5. of each person first, then we should can them.

6. Oh, hey. I think I know that guy. Uh, yeah.

7. What are you doing? Did you just wave him in?

8. I-I don't know, automatic social shit.

9. Hey, Ethan! Uh...

10. - What are you doing here? -You tell me, boss.

11. Uh, Ethan was my first manager when I was at Hooli.

12. I didn't know you still worked there.

13. Yeah, well, we can't all invent middle-out compression.

14. Uh, anyway, I-I hope I make the cut.

15. Yeah, well, we're having to be creative with the merger, so...

16. Yeah, totally. That's why I figured I could maybe help.

17. You could use Hooli OS for your entire mobile suite.

18. Yeah, we're not gonna spend months porting

19. Hooli software over to our protocol, so...

20. - But thanks. -Yeah, it was a good thought.

21. Yeah, you wouldn't have to.

22. When we iterated Hooli OS 11, we reengineered

23. the entire network layer to be compatible

24. with other protocols... and you own it.

25. How quickly, would you say,

26. you could, um, make it work with PiperNet?

27. A few weeks with almost zero refactor.

28. How much money do you think that could save us?

29. So you guys are planning to build your own

30. external antennas to deploy for the Hawaii test?

31. - Why? -The zero-start problem.

32. Until we have a critical mass of users,

33. iOS and Android devices don't have enough range.

34. Right, of course not, but push-to-talk HooliPhones do.

35. HooliPhones?

36. You want us to roll out our network on push-to-talk,

37. janky-ass HooliPhones? -

38. Laugh it up, but, uh, the fact that

39. they still have low power, omnidirectional antennas

40. means they have a radius of four miles.

41. What is your antenna's range?

42. One mile? -Gilfoyle: Wrong.

43. One-point-one-five.

44. Okay. Line of sight, though.

45. - Maybe. -Richard,

46. you guys just bought 250,000 HooliPhones.

47. Instead of spending more money on expensive and mediocre antennas,

48. why not just give away HooliPhones for the test?

49. Delete.

50. You know, Ethan, could you

51. walk us through the Hooli OS side of all this work?

52. Yeah, totally, but I think it'd go faster

53. if I just took point and your guys backed me up.

54. I'm sorry, what do you mean, back you up?

55. Guys, we are in a huge hole here.

56. Whatever it takes to get us out of it, please.

57. Um, why don't you talk to Tracy in HR,

58. and you can get your start-paperwork.

59. Cool! Looks I already earned my keep, huh, Patches?

60. Patches.

61. Yeah. Oh, that's weird that you remember that.

62. Um, so, Patches. I'll tell them.

63. Uh, first day at Hooli,

64. I wore this sweater that had these, like, elbow pads on it.

65. - Anyway, uh— -HooliPhones?

66. Are you fucking serious?

67. You just laid down and let that guy roll all over us.

68. Look, I don't wanna use Hooli shit anymore than you guys,

69. but this is for the greater good of the company.

70. This will get us to a working test.

71. This will get us to Hawaii.

72. Hey! Holden.

73. I asked for a water.

74. - Thank you. -Mm-hmm.

75. Oh... Laurie.

76. This will be sound. Excuse me one minute.

77. - Laurie. -Oh, Monica.

78. - Hello. -Hi.

79. I'm now using touch as a means to communicate friendship.

80. Uh-huh.

81. Hey, um, is that Kara Swisher?

82. What do guys do in there?

83. We are uplifting each other while we plan our annual

84. Women in Tech Empowerment panel. Kara's moderating.

85. Oh my God. Is that Susan—

86. Susan Wojcicki from YouTube. Don't point, it's unseemly.

87. Laurie, you do know that I am the CFO

88. of a prominent tech company and just personally led

89. - the acquisition of Hooli? -Yes, I am aware.

90. My partner Maximo is, hmm... unpleased.

91. I'm just saying, I-I would love to do the panel.

92. Why? You don't mentor, you don't volunteer,

93. you don't develop programs for women.

94. You've never shown the slightest interest in supporting women.

95. Of course I have! Which is why

96. I wanna do your panel with Susan Wojcicki from YouTube.

97. Well...

98. we do have a lot of funny people.

99. You could add... balance.

100. Are you eating the entire leaf?

101. It's amazing how wasteful people in the West can be.

102. Hoover.

103. This book will send shockwaves throughout the Valley.

104. Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses.

105. This is about your experience at Hooli?

106. No, no. It's a coming-of-age story

107. about a lost, yet handsome teen

108. growing up one fateful summer in Maine.

109. Now, get that to the publishers.

110. I want the hardback in my hand by tomorrow lunchtime.

111. Sir, it takes a bit longer than that.

112. We have to send it out to publishing houses and then find an editor.

113. Editors are for people who can't write correctly the first time.

114. We'll self-publish.

115. And this really isn't about tech?

116. No. I've left tech for good.

117. Now, I have a chance to do something important.

118. Write a thinly veiled roman à clef

119. set in a whale-themed B and B.

120. So look, Monica, um, I was looking over the org chart,

121. and I think I'm gonna put you in charge of Foxhole.

122. - What? -Yeah.

123. I mean, while I know that you and I were saying

124. that maybe some people might find it a little misogynist or offensive.

125. I think that we if we had a woman at the helm,

126. it might change the optics, and since you don't really care—

127. No, I-I-I do care. I care deeply.

128. No, you don't. I mean, you literally said,

129. "If a bunch of dumb Marines wanna cheat

130. on their dumb wives, what the fuck do I care?"

131. I don't think I used those exact words.

132. I'm pretty sure you did, actually.

133. - You texted it to me last night, see? -No, but—

134. And then you also said,

135. "We don't have to smell it. We just have to sell it.

136. - As long as those fat fat fatties—" -Okay.

137. I took an Ambien last night, and probably

138. should've turned off my phone. Can you delete those?

139. Okay. Monica, just make it work.

140. Please? For women.

141. Hi.

142. Bertram Gilfoyle?

143. No.

144. I'm John.

145. Okay.

146. I brought the HooliPhones. Would you like to see them?

147. I was told to help you with integration.

148. You know what, John?

149. That would be grand.

150. Okay, here they are.

151. The push-to-talk HooliPhone 13-X.

152. Here's a HooliPhone right here.

153. And here's a HooliPhone right here.

154. - And here's a— -Stop talking.

155. Sit in that chair.

156. Do not touch or say anything.

157. Okay.

158. Oh my God.

159. Gwart, do you remember how I-I told you

160. I found my birth father in that militia in the Ozarks, but...

161. then it turned out that guy was a fraud?

162. Well, um, I just went in for some genetic testing

163. to-to confirm my diagnosis of Marfan syndrome,

164. and it turns out that my real parents are alive.

165. And they live in Santa Cruz.

166. And they're still together.

167. What should I do? Should I visit them?

168. Are you upset?

169. Should I have not allowed somebody to sit so close?

170. Because I-I asked you if it was okay.

171. If you had an issue, you could've...

172. No. No.

173. It is my job to protect you.

174. That is my responsibility.

175. I shouldn't have put you in that position.

176. I apologize. Do you forgive me?

177. Yeah!

178. Yeah, you're right!

179. I'll be splitting you guys into teams of four,

180. then giving you guys different test scenarios. Hey, Patches!

181. Hey! Uh, Holden said that we were having this thing upstairs.

182. Yeah, I moved it down here. It's just a better space.

183. Go ahead, have a seat. You're over there.

184. I said we should wait for you to start, but—

185. The clock is ticking, though, right? We have stuff to do.

186. Busy, busy.

187. Oh.

188. Elbow pads. Weird. Yeah, okay.

189. Uh, actually, the first day I was at Hooli—

190. Yeah, I told them. I told them. They all laughed.

191. Oh. Heh.

192. Come on, put it on, Patches.

193. - I don't wanna put it on. -Do it! Be fun!

194. Yeah, okay, sure. I can be fun.

195. It's kinda funny, I guess.

196. Yes! There he is!

197. There's our Patches! -

198. Hey, listen, Richard.

199. You know I'm just joking around with you, right?

200. We're all just having fun. Thanks for being a good sport, okay?

201. Sure. No problem. Okay. Back to it.

202. Right! Okay, so as I was saying,

203. with smaller groups,

204. we'll be able to make faster decisions, right?

205. Light on our feet. For example,

206. do we think this photo of Richard is funny?

207. We do, don't we?

208. God...

209. We do!

210. Okay. Cool, uh, guilty as charged.

211. Big cake lover. You got me.

212. Yeah. Well, I mean, I was your boss for a year,

213. so you know I have some funny photos of you squirreled away, right?

214. Uh, I didn't know that was a thing bosses did, but, yeah, maybe.

215. Speaking of which, did you write that?

216. Ooh! -Woman : Oh, my God.

217. And sorted list size is greater than

218. plus, plus index? -

219. You ran a brute force search on a sorted list?

220. Look, guys, it was my first day, and...

221. That's why you decided to write the slowest subroutine in history?

222. Anyone could've made that mistake.

223. Yeah, it's true. In fact, I could ask for a show of hands,

224. but instead of doing that, uh, I'll just, uh...

225. Could you have made that mistake? -

226. Could you have made that mistake?

227. Could you have made that mistake?

228. - Okay. -Could you have made that mistake?

229. The joke is that he's doing a brute force search of the room.

230. - Yeah, I know. -Then, why did you do it?

231. Could you have made that mistake?

232. Richard, what the fuck was that?

233. It was just... Ethan being Ethan.

234. He was acting like your boss, and you were acting like his noob employee.

235. No. Everyone knows I'm the boss.

236. I think people were just excited to, you know, razz the CEO.

237. - It's all in good fun. -I did not have fun.

238. I watched you get kicked in the balls for 90 minutes.

239. My balls hurt sympathetically for your balls.

240. Take off that sweater!

241. It's fine.

242. I mean, yes, Ethan can be a little prickly,

243. but he is gonna get us to where we need to be.

244. And I don't mind putting my ego aside for the good of the company.

245. That guy humiliating you was not good for the company.

246. He dominated you like a silverback gorilla.

247. Do you know why the gorillas respected Jane Goodall?

248. - Jane Goodall studied chimpanzees. -Wrong!

249. It's because she could kick their ass, and they knew it.

250. You need to assert dominance like Jane Goodall.

251. I have something to show you.

252. You're gonna need this.

253. This is a video of maximizing alphaness.

254. What else happens?

255. It's just this, then it repeats itself.

256. You just kind of breathe

257. and subconsciously absorb it.

258. Dinesh, this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

259. Fuck yeah.

260. Hey, John.

261. Yeah?

262. Could you grab my extra spudger?

263. I think it's on my desk,

264. next to my chess board.

265. Okay.

266. Cthulu limited edition, huh?

267. - That's right. -Huh.

268. Anything else?

269. Nope.

270. Okay.

271. I am so glad we could do this.

272. Yeah.

273. What are we doing, exactly?

274. Well, I have had my eye on you for a while now.

275. It's what I like to call, "mentoring from a distance."

276. We haven't spoken more than five words to each other

277. since you joined the company.

278. That's the distance part!

279. Look, I-I came here to talk about

280. advancing the careers of women,

281. specifically yours.

282. - Do you know how we just acquired Foxhole? -Of course.

283. Apparently, it's 90% men,

284. and almost all the female users are prostitutes.

285. Which makes it a very challenging assignment.

286. It's also a big promotion

287. and strategically important to the company.

288. And it's yours, if you want it.

289. But, I mean, if you don't think you can handle it,

290. I can just check in with Becky, Nadia,

291. - Dani— -No!

292. I can do it. -

293. Awesome! For you!

294. Caspian's heart cracked open

295. like one of his father's briny lobster traps.

296. "Hannah," he whispered.

297. "I am not—" -

298. "Hannah," he whispered. "I am not a member

299. "of the prestigious Prout's Neck Yacht Club.

300. "Truth be told, I am but a—" -

301. "Truth be told, I am but a lowly man of the sea.

302. She—" -

303. "She was my mistress, but now, I pray

304. that you might be as well?"

305. Thank you.

306. - Name? -Oh, I don't want to buy your book.

307. I'm Allie Abrams, arts editor at the Sacramento Bee.

308. Do you have a minute for a quick interview?

309. I'll make the time.

310. Is it on? Running?

311. Firstly, I work in the parlor.

312. I use a 1968 IBM Selectric II.

313. In fact, the tapping of the keys

314. inspired the idea for Lana's blindness.

315. The tapping of her cane, you see?

316. Oh.

317. I guess what I really want to know is,

318. why isn't this book about tech?

319. I'm an author.

320. Would you ask John Grisham the same question, or Jackie Collins?

321. Well, no, but they weren't the head of a failed tech company.

322. You think I failed.

323. I didn't fail tech.

324. Tech failed me.

325. Tech failed all of us. Look.

326. We should be in a Waldenbooks,

327. but we're here, in this decrepit shithole, and why?

328. Because people buy books online, thanks to Hool—

329. Amazon.

330. So, don't point fingers at me.

331. I didn't write about tech

332. because tech destroys worlds,

333. and I, I wanted to create them.

334. May I have a token for the restroom, please?

335. Well, there's not a whole lot to the story.

336. Once you came along,

337. Susan and I realized the timing was not right,

338. and we needed to give you up.

339. I appreciate how difficult that must've been for you guys.

340. One of the hardest decisions we ever had to make.

341. Um, thank you.

342. And I just want you to know,

343. that I understand and I don't hold it

344. against you at all.

345. You guys had kids after me?

346. - Well, one was after. -Pardon?

347. - Pete and Lisa were before you. -Right.

348. I don't understand. You...

349. I was your third child, and-and you... you gave me up?

350. - Yeah. It just got way too difficult for us. -Mm. Yeah.

351. Couldn't go on as many flights.

352. Two parents, two kids— that's a clear row across.

353. - Yeah. -1A, B, C, and D.

354. So, you gave me up to simplify your first-class air travel?

355. - Oh. No, it's more complicated than that. -Yeah.

356. Yeah, we had car travel,

357. - and taxis. -Mm-hmm.

358. We never really did travel by train.

359. No, and I don't do boats, so...

360. Well, you did enjoy that trip down the Rhine.

361. I... said I did.

362. Oh, you! -

363. Anyway, when we gave you up, we realized...

364. - we had a huge mistake. -You did?

365. Yeah. We realized we actually did want a third child.

366. - Yep. -Started trying almost immediately,

367. and we lucked out because Donald is the best of the bunch.

368. Yeah.

369. Donald? -Stu: Yeah, we love that name,

370. so we just wanted to use it again. -

371. - Oh! Speak of the angels, they're here. -They're here.

372. Wait, you invited my birth siblings here?

373. To meet me? -

374. - Hi, Mama. -Hey.

375. This is Peter.

376. This is Lisa. This is Donald.

377. And this is, uh, Ken. He's here to tell us

378. - about the solar situation for the house... -Ken?

379. so, uh...

380. Yeah, we offer financing.

381. We just need one more minute, and then we can go.

382. - All right. -Bye.

383. We never told them about you.

384. Didn't wanna make them sad.

385. Yeah, I-I see. -Stu: Yeah.

386. Well! This has been really great.

387. We have...

388. - We have a family dinner. -We have a dinner.

389. Every Thursday, we have Italian food, so...

390. Although, tonight, we're switching it up. We're gonna do Chinese.

391. It was one of the hardest decisions we ever had to make.

392. Yeah.

393. Well, uh, Ken, we were underwhelmed by your presentation.

394. - Hey, John. -Yeah?

395. Did you move the white pawn here?

396. Opening move?

397. No.

398. Okay.

399. I'm gonna go hit the head.

400. I should be back in about two minutes.

401. Okay.

402. Where's the dunce cap?

403. Hey, uh...

404. Uh, Ethan?

405. Yeah, Patches? -

406. I-I was actually thinking that maybe

407. we stop with the nickname.

408. We had our fun,

409. but maybe stop all the jokes about my coding mistake

410. from years ago, and also...

411. stop calling me Patches.

412. Yeah. Okay.

413. Butt Stuff.

414. You remember that?

415. When you walked around all day and your T-shirt was

416. stuck all the way into your underwear, all day?

417. I mean, I remember it, but no to Butt Stuff.

418. - Um, just call me Richard. -Here's the thing.

419. That name makes me happy, and...

420. if you had as much managerial experience as I do,

421. you'd know that keeping your star coder happy

422. is how you get the best work, and you guys need me

423. to do really good work because I'm kind of

424. the only person here that can do it, so...

425. I'm just gonna keep calling you Patches.

426. Is that okay with you? Patches?

427. Oh! -Richard: Aw!

428. So, it's complicated.

429. You were the clear aggressor in this incident,

430. but you're also the only one who got hurt.

431. You hit him in the forehead,

432. which is the single hardest part of the human body.

433. I would never advocate violence, but when you make a fist,

434. you wanna keep your thumb on the outside.

435. Yeah. Uh, I know that now, but at the time, I couldn't remember.

436. You did great, Champ, but here's the bottom line.

437. We gotta cool our shit down with this guy

438. before he lawyers up and sues us a new hiney-hole.

439. You need to go talk to Ethan and give him a sincere

440. - and honest apology. -Without admitting any fault

441. or describing what happened in any way.

442. I asked myself, why would they reject me

443. and not their three other biological children?

444. And that is when it hit me. -

445. It's me.

446. I mean, even as a baby, I must have

447. somehow rejected them,

448. and every subsequent foster family I've ever had.

449. Oh. Heavy.

450. I rejected Richard,

451. and every person who has ever offered me safe harbor,

452. and it has to stop.

453. I have to commit to Gwart.

454. No matter how difficult it gets,

455. even if we're miserable together, I am going

456. to support her work, and bring her food,

457. and-and put her in her prescription sleeping bag

458. when she starts to thrash.

459. It is the only path forward.

460. Hey, that's the best, man.

461. I feel like you made a lot of progress.

462. Ha! -

463. Gwart's doll gloves.

464. I'm gonna make her so happy.

465. My book is a fucking disaster.

466. What have you got there?

467. Oh, um,

468. MSNBC wanted to interview you about being

469. an "anti-tech evangelist." Their words.

470. I told them you only wanted to speak about two things:

471. cold ice cream, and hot kisses.

472. Who-who was it? Was it Hayes or O'Donnell?

473. Maddow, sir.

474. - Really? -Yes.

475. I'm sure all the major outlets would love to have you...

476. if you discuss tech.

477. So...

478. Do I honor my truth as a starving author,

479. or do I return to the world I've scorned?

480. What did Publisher's Weekly say about my book?

481. Publisher's Weekly is a... terrible magazine, sir.

482. Call Maddow.

483. Yes, sir.

484. Bishop to E6.

485. - Checkmate. -Fuck.

486. Okay, so that's...

487. 42 games for me, and...

488. zero for you.

489. You wanna play again?

490. I think I'll take a break.

491. Okay.

492. Okay.

493. Well, thank you so much

494. for the hilarious Susan Wojcicki, the CEO of YouTube.

495. It's gonna be a very hard act to follow,

496. but here to try is Monica Hall,

497. the CFO of Pied Piper. Come on up, Monica.

498. - Thank you for coming, Monica. -Thank you.

499. I was thrilled and surprised to be invited.

500. So, let's cut right to the chase.

501. You recently acquired Hooli,

502. and one of its properties

503. is Foxhole, which is apparently an app

504. that military members use to source prostitutes.

505. Yes, and that's something

506. I'm not involved with on any level.

507. It's being run now by a young woman

508. I promoted, Priyanka Singh.

509. I talked to Priyanka before this panel.

510. Priyanka, are you in this audience?

511. - Yes, hi! -Hey, Priyanka. How you doing?

512. Why don't you get up and tell us about it?

513. Well,

514. when I first took over the app, I was pretty lost,

515. but, luckily, I was able to call on my network of strong, female coders.

516. And almost immediately, we came up

517. with a plan to rebuild Foxhole from the bottom up.

518. Our first step will be to unionize the sex workers on the app.

519. We believe that friends with benefits deserve benefits

520. because sex work is work.

521. And! And! Why is it only for men?

522. Don't our female soldiers, who put their bodies in harm's way,

523. deserve to put their bodies in pleasure's way?

524. I think it might be a good idea to bring Priyanka up here.

525. - Priyanka, why don't you come up? -Uh, okay.

526. So, Priyanka,

527. the business of sex positive feminism...

528. Monica, move.

529. Like we say at Foxhole, if you can scale Tinder,

530. you can scale sex positive feminism.

531. There's a seat in back.

532. You.

533. Who are you? -

534. Ethan. Hey, um...

535. I owe you an apology.

536. It's bad enough that I used brute force

537. to search a sorted list, but—

538. No, Richard. I'm the one

539. that needs to apologize to you. You're my boss,

540. and the way that I talked to you was completely outta line.

541. I'm just feeling insecure about

542. working for a guy that used to work for me.

543. - Really? -Yeah.

544. I'm so happy to be here, and...

545. I'd love to stick around if you'll have me.

546. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

547. Great, man. Thank you so much.

548. Sorry again. Thank you, this is great.

549. Dinesh, I'm really looking forward

550. to finishing up this project with you and your team.

551. - Oh, it's whatever, dawg. -Cool.

552. What did you do to that guy?

553. - I watched that video. -See? I told you! We're alphas!

554. - Fuck yeah! -Fuck yeah.

555. Hey, uh, don't show that video to Gilfoyle.

556. Got it.

557. Fuck yeah.

558. I see it's been handled. -Yes.

559. Good.

560. So, I trust there's no more need for any—

561. No. That won't be necessary.

562. Let's hope not.

563. Can I go now, please?

564. Very well. Good job on the plate.

565. Holden,

566. did you threaten Ethan in some way?

567. He was causing problems

568. - for Richard. -Oh.

569. Well, it's...

570. it's good to know that he's in good hands.

571. Don't you have somewhere to be?

572. Uh... sorry. Um...

573. It's from Gwart.

574. "I'm dissolving my company and taking a job elsewhere.

575. "Your employment is terminated.

576. P.S. Those aren't my doll's gloves."

577. Oh.

578. So, then I...

579. I'm free to return to work with Richard.

580. Your position's been filled.

581. Oh, um...

582. No, it hasn't.