Silicon Valley 6x2

1. So this morning, Colin cut a new build

2. of Gates of Galloo to his staging server.

3. Okay, um, this is Baldereach,

4. capital city of Galloonia.

5. Those are some ghoul knights, wearing gelatinous armor.

6. This is just the game, pretty standard stuff.

7. Well, until I...

8. turn on the microphone.

9. How are you doing, Richard? Are you hungry?

10. Would you like some pizza? -

11. What the fuck?

12. He's using our API to run ads directly in the game engine?

13. Crazy, right?

14. Domino's Pizza

15. in a fantasy medieval universe.

16. Why, it's enough to make you wanna go on vacation.

17. And he's even using our ability to track sentiment.

18. Yeah. Even if I say nonsense words,

19. it assigns them an emotional value.

20. La-la-la-la-la-la-la!

21. Fuck me. So,

22. unless we get rid of Colin, which we can't,

23. he is going to put this on our network.

24. Money just perverts everything.

25. At this point, I could stand to be a little perverted.

26. Yeah, I wanna be a lot perverted.

27. I wanna blow money while it talks to its wife on the phone.

28. - I wanna suck money— Oh. -All right.

29. Microphone. -Dinesh: Oh! Uh...

30. Kittens, puppies, United Nations!

31. Richard, is this an okay time?

32. It's a great time, Jared.

33. I'm surrounded on all sides by people who turn on me.

34. - I can come back. -No. No, no, it's fine.

35. What do you got?

36. What is this?

37. It's my resignation letter.

38. I'm leaving.

39. What?

40. One gaff with Colin, and you're just gonna walk away?

41. It's about so much more than that, Richard.

42. I've been agonizing over this.

43. Not sleeping, not eating...

44. I completely forgot my godson's 40th birthday.

45. Richard,

46. Pied Piper isn't the same company that I signed up for.

47. She has different needs now,

48. and so do you,

49. and, it turns out,

50. so do I.

51. Okay, Jared...

52. we are in the middle of a shit storm here.

53. I'm trying to handle this as honestly as possible.

54. There's a founder at the hacker hostel,

55. and she needs my help, and...

56. once I'm free of encumbrances—

57. Encumbrances? Oh! Well,

58. fuck me, Jared. I don't want to encumber you.

59. Okay.

60. Go to your new boss. I hope she's not a...

61. big of a fuck-up as I am, you...

62. buddy-fucker.

63. - I'm not a buddy-fucker. -Oh, yes, you are, Jared.

64. You are a buddy-fucker.

65. I am your buddy,

66. and you are fucking me. Ergo,

67. you are a buddy-fucker.

68. Goodbye.

69. - Richard, I'm not— -Goodbye, Jared. Thank you.

70. I like it how it is.

71. But it's too warm.

72. I want it warm.

73. Okay.

74. Gentlemen, and lady,

75. a short time ago, I reached out to you and asked you

76. to invest, sight unseen, in a newer,

77. leaner, and more focused Hooli.

78. And invest you did, guided not by

79. traditional spreadsheets or actuarial tables,

80. but by your own highly attuned financial—

81. Gavin, cut the bullshit.

82. What do we still own?

83. Mr. Skelton.

84. As candid and as forthright as ever.

85. - Age has not dulled one iota of— -Gavin.

86. Of course. I had prepared a presentation,

87. but I suppose I can just skip to the end.

88. Hopefully, I won't lose you.

89. Okay...

90. Confucius, John Lennon,

91. Nietzsche, Ayn Rand,

92. Steve Wonder, and here we go!

93. As you can see,

94. among the many jewels still in Hooli's crown

95. are our exciting suite of office—

96. Where is web services?

97. Well, Mr. Bezos felt it would fold nicely into his AWS,

98. so he insisted—

99. Smart speaker and in-home?

100. - He took that, too? -HooliHome was, indeed, subsumed

101. - by the Amazon Alexa— -Targeted search?

102. Ironically, also missing.

103. But we maintain rights to the HooliPhone

104. and its proprietary apps,

105. the patent for the Hooli Puck Mouse.

106. We also maintain our web-based marketplaces,

107. including our up-and-coming lifestyle networking platform,

108. - Foxhole. -What the fuck is that?

109. Well, Foxhole is a very exciting

110. web-based exchange, catering to those in the military,

111. who are interested in having extramarital affairs. -Skelton: Gavin,

112. when do you expect the eight of us will

113. recoup our investment?

114. Ah, yes! That's my very next slide.

115. After this one. -

116. Well, with a little luck,

117. we'll be profitable and up 5X inside three years.

118. You got three months, or you're out.

119. So, Melanie will take on all of Jared's

120. marketing duties, Gwen will cover biz dev,

121. and that should take care of it.

122. Does this scan to you?

123. - I can see it. -Okay, great.

124. Okay, back to work. -Tracy: Uh, Bertram,

125. while I have you...

126. You don't have me.

127. Richard's just tasked me with streamlining productivity

128. and balancing headcount.

129. Can you explain to me why you have

130. no one working under you?

131. It just seems odd considering that the agile board is showing

132. that you have a massive backlog.

133. You're new here,

134. so I'll forgive the patronizing tone.

135. I'm more concerned with being right

136. than being fast,

137. and I don't like dealing with people. To wit,

138. - are we done? -Oh,

139. you're "that guy."

140. What "guy" exactly?

141. The brooding, arrogant guy

142. who refuses to take orders?

143. Self-taught coder who looks down on

144. anyone who's taken a class.

145. You're probably an atheist

146. or something more contrarian.

147. You claim to be an anarcho-capitalist,

148. but you work here and pay taxes.

149. You've probably read half of Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon,

150. and it's about 50/50 whether you own a snake.

151. His girlfriend owns a snake.

152. I finished Cryptonomicon,

153. and you easily could've just looked in my file.

154. I didn't need to.

155. - I'm assigning you five coders. -Inadvisable.

156. Noted.

157. I'll send them over first thing tomorrow.

158. If you're going to throw five randoms under me,

159. at least let me pick my team.

160. - Fair enough. -Good.

161. Georgia? -Mm.

162. You want to move the entire company to Georgia?

163. - Why? -Well, the Valley's become prohibitively expensive.

164. Look at these numbers.

165. If we move to Georgia,

166. we can save a fortune and get a further investment.

167. It's the only way.

168. Well, I have heard good things about

169. the food scene in the Dirty South.

170. Stankonia. Freaknik.

171. Might be nice to be around more people of color. -Gavin: What?

172. Not Atlanta.

173. Tbilisi. The country of Georgia, not the state.

174. What?

175. Gavin? -Hmm?

176. Tbilisi is no doubt a wonderfully rustic place,

177. but do you not fear losing a local presence,

178. a connection with the beating heart of

179. the technology industry?

180. Boots on the ground, so to speak.

181. I think it's wise, sir.

182. Shit. You're right.

183. I need to be here to maintain my relevance.

184. All right then. Plan B.

185. You two and the team will move to Belarus.

186. If we can get close enough to the Chernobyl exclusion zone,

187. it's a buyer's market,

188. and with the money we save from substantially

189. downgrading from Tbilisi,

190. plus the bigger Belarusian investment we've been offered,

191. I'll maintain a pied-à-terre here in town.

192. Now, I'll need to rely much more heavily on you

193. because you probably won't see me much.

194. I'll need you to guide the troops

195. and bridge the language gap,

196. but...

197. God damn,

198. I respect the hell out of you both.

199. Are you sure about this? - Uh...

200. Yeah. Yeah, no.

201. We can't have that atrocious game anywhere on our network.

202. - We have to do a raise. -Well,

203. it's a terrible time to do it, but...

204. I mean, it's your call.

205. It's gonna have to be a big number though.

206. Yeah, good.

207. I guess we should set up some meetings, yeah?

208. Too time-consuming. Let's jump-start the process.

209. Are you feeling charitable?

210. Just 39 cents a day can literally

211. feed an entire family like this.

212. Think about it, then ask yourself...

213. All right, so this place is the who's who of VCs,

214. so let's do a lap, take inventory,

215. and we'll start with the biggest firm, work our way down to—

216. - Laurie! -Monica. Richard.

217. What are you doing here?

218. The same as you, I suppose.

219. Eating caviar and...

220. hacking famine.

221. - No, I thought you moved to China. -Mm.

222. The interesting thing about moving, Monica,

223. is that you can do it more than once. I am back.

224. You may be intrigued to know

225. that I have severed ties with Yao and YaoNet.

226. So, you're going back to VC?

227. Oh, no.

228. You misunderstand.

229. I have severed ties between Yao and YaoNet.

230. Yao has been exited, and I have made myself

231. the CEO of the company,

232. which I am moving back to the US,

233. and in order to make it sound more American,

234. I am renaming it

235. "YaoNetUS."

236. Wait. So, you're launching here?

237. Yes, and with those Chinese out of the way,

238. I can finally be more ruthlessly efficient.

239. Speaking of,

240. excuse me.

241. - What? Are you fucking kidding me? -Richard,

242. relax, okay, she's got inferior tech,

243. she's got no developers. You remember when

244. she tried to run Eklow? She's gonna last a week as CEO.

245. I mean, look at her. She's desperate.

246. She's already in total flirt mode.

247. I do believe with proper management...

248. She needs money just like we do.

249. Let's just worry about us, okay?

250. I will introduce you, and just...

251. let me do the talking, okay?

252. Don't speak until—

253. Richard Hendricks from Pied Piper.

254. Eric Rivera, Graves Partners. -Richard: Oh.

255. I saw your congressional testimony,

256. and I thought, man,

257. I really need to talk to that guy.

258. Oh, you did? Huh, cool.

259. Yeah. I mean, you committed

260. to a really bad business model,

261. on national TV.

262. I guess I just wanted to know,

263. what the hell were you thinking?

264. I mean, picking a fight with Facebook is one thing,

265. but shitting on Google and Amazon at the same time,

266. in front of TV cameras? What was going on in your brain?

267. And-and Hooli. I-I shit on them, too, so...

268. I mean, we're all sitting in front of the TV in our office,

269. thinking this is the dumbest man in tech.

270. And then we talked about it, and we realized, hang on,

271. - that is totally unfair. -Yeah, you did? Good.

272. Yeah, because, I mean, you were subpoenaed, right? You were under oath?

273. - What were you supposed to do? -Technically, I don't...

274. You weren't... you weren't under oath?

275. Mm, I don't think so.

276. Are you kidding me?

277. Wait. Karl, Ben! Come over here. You gotta hear this.

278. We were wrong, man! Tell them what you just told me.

279. Hey, um—

280. Richard Hendricks, from Pied Piper, yes?

281. Uh, no.

282. Maximo Reyes. I am an investor from Chile.

283. Wow, I gotta tell you, it is an honor to meet you, man.

284. Truly, I am such a big fan of your technology.

285. Wow.

286. - What, like, really, or... -Of course. Hi.

287. We are shaking hands.

288. Correct?

289. But I'm sure you have more important people to talk to,

290. you know, and, you have made it painfully clear

291. that you do not want me as an investor, so—

292. No, h-hold on. Wait, I-I-I made it clear? When did I—

293. Oh no, not you personally, but I spoke with somebody

294. from your company many times.

295. Uh, Yarez?

296. Yarez?

297. Y-Yarez Dun...

298. Yarez— Oh!

299. - Jared. -Yes!

300. - Whatever... -Potatoes, potatoes.

301. Well, uh, Yared doesn't really work with us anymore, so...

302. - Oh, wow. Well, then. -Yeah.

303. Look at you and me.

304. We are talking. -

305. Have you ever had a Chilean terremoto?

306. Denpok, got a minute? -Denpok: Yes.

307. I may have a way to keep us here in the US.

308. Talk.

309. Are you familiar with CIFIUS?

310. Yes.

311. No.

312. The Committee on Foreign Investment in the US,

313. or CIFIUS,

314. is a federal agency that has wide latitude

315. to prevent American companies

316. - from doing business with foreigners,

317. if there's a national security threat.

318. Are you familiar with the dating app Grindr?

319. No.

320. Yes.

321. Last year, CIFIUS reversed the sale

322. of Grindr to Chinese investors.

323. They ruled that the sexual and HIV status of US citizens

324. was something they needed to keep

325. out of the hands of foreign interests.

326. - I understand. -This morning,

327. I was on the user database of Foxhole,

328. when I happened upon a familiar face.

329. Four-star General Hanley Barris.

330. That is not his face.

331. No, it is not.

332. But as a four-star general,

333. he could anonymously compel CIFIUS

334. to prevent Foxhole or its ownership

335. from moving to foreign soil.

336. No more Belarus?

337. I think General Barris would be very keen to keep

338. this type of material out of the hands of

339. foreign interests, and by that,

340. I mean his wife, Yekatarina.

341. Hey! What happened to you last night?

342. Oh my God, you reek of booze.

343. Were you out all night?

344. Monica...

345. - I got lucky. -Didn't need to know that.

346. No, no, I got even luckier than that.

347. Tell me, did you know that the national tree of Chile

348. is the piñoner?

349. Also this,

350. - do you know who Maximo Reyes is? -Yeah.

351. The richest man in Chile. Well, I saw that very tree

352. in the middle of his living room,

353. and he let me climb it.

354. You met Maximo Reyes

355. and you went to his house?

356. Yeah, and he showed me his art collection,

357. and we drank a number of terremotos,

358. which are... fucking disgusting.

359. Anyway, I may have convinced him

360. to give us enough money

361. to get rid of Colin.

362. Wait, what?

363. I casually floated 50 million,

364. and he didn't even bat an eye.

365. Richard...

366. There's a reason Jared tried to ditch this guy.

367. - We cannot take his money. -Why not?

368. Did he tell you where he gets it from?

369. How his grandfather was the chief of secret police under Pinochet?

370. About how they ran their mines?

371. They were basically slave traders.

372. He can't really be all that bad.

373. I mean, he really, really likes Pied Piper.

374. Look, we cannot take blood money.

375. You thought selling ads were bad?

376. These guys executed people in soccer stadiums.

377. I was open to it at first,

378. but Jared was adamant and he's right.

379. Fifty million sounds great, but it's an awfully low price to pay for your integrity.

380. Fuck.

381. Look,

382. I know Colin is a sleazebag,

383. but at least he's temporary.

384. Okay, Maximo is a thousand times worse,

385. and he would be permanent.

386. Of course.

387. He just e-mailed me the term sheet.

388. I don't even wanna look at him.

389. Just forward it to me.

390. - I'll take care of it. -Thanks.

391. I know that this sucks, but I promise you,

392. you're doing the right...

393. Fifty million?

394. Do you remember when I was offered 10?

395. Richard.

396. Hmm?

397. It's not $50 million.

398. Is it more?

399. It's a billion, Richard.

400. A what?

401. He just offered us a billion dollars for 10%.

402. Fuck.

403. You're already holding a cigarette.

404. Mr. Gilfoyle!

405. Yes, ma'am? -Is this your new team?

406. It is.

407. Five people, as you requested.

408. That man over there? -Gilfoyle: Ken.

409. - Isn't he the coffee guy? -Barista. Yes.

410. And Joyce was watering the plants.

411. Mona was working security.

412. Dan and George, they were painting the lobby.

413. Until today.

414. Which reminds me, they all need to change

415. their Linkedln status to...

416. "placaters of middle management."

417. I'll be honest, this is sort of a first.

418. And here you thought I was just...

419. "that guy."

420. You know, Mr. Gilfoyle, you're right.

421. You're not "that guy,"

422. because at the seven companies I've helped take public,

423. every other "that guy" accepted their limitations,

424. took on a team, and managed to get their work done.

425. Some of them are now billionaires.

426. None of them would've gotten into

427. a dick-measuring contest with HR

428. when they were two weeks behind.

429. So, lucky us,

430. I guess you're unique.

431. You know, Gilfoyle, when I first heard the phrase

432. "dick-measuring contest," I thought it was a contest

433. to see who could measure the most dicks.

434. But it isn't,

435. is it, Gilfoyle?

436. Is it a typo? Maybe it's a typo.

437. It's not a typo, Richard. It's spelled out in the offer.

438. One billion dollars, in one lump sum.

439. Okay, what do I do?

440. - I don't know. -Oh. Okay, well,

441. Jared had you pretty convinced that this was evil money.

442. It's a billion fucking dollars, Richard!

443. Okay, so does that make this less evil or, like,

444. - way more evil? -Ack!

445. Do not touch.

446. It's an e-sign. You touch that button, it's over.

447. Tell me what to do.

448. Monica, this is your job!

449. Look, when my sister

450. got pregnant her freshman year of college, I said get an abortion.

451. Well, now my niece, Dakota, who is very much with us,

452. calls me "Aunt Abortion."

453. I'm sorry.

454. You are the CEO, this is on you.

455. Well, I gotta talk to Dinesh and Gilfoyle.

456. No, you can't talk to those animals!

457. You say a word to anyone out there,

458. and this whole company turns into Lord of the Flies in five seconds.

459. It's a billion dollars, Richard.

460. I'm sorry. You're on your own.

461. Monica...

462. Richard, there is a major emergency.

463. Gilfoyle is using the barista as one of the coders,

464. so I tried to use the cappuccino machine on my own,

465. and I don't know if, like, the frother knob is, like,

466. jammed or something,

467. but it's, like, not working.

468. So, there is no froth,

469. at all, for anybody.

470. So, can you get on that?

471. - Yeah. -Okay, great.

472. He's on it! -

473. It's really a shit sandwich.

474. They've been in there for a while.

475. Wonder how it's going. -

476. General Barris. Is it done?

477. - Wonderful. -Say hello to your wife for me.

478. Gavin! How was the meeting?

479. Aah! Fuck!

480. Richard?

481. Huh? Yeah.

482. What are you doing here?

483. Do you have a second?

484. Yeah, yeah. Come on in.

485. I know you tried to keep Maximo away from me,

486. but one thing lead to another and-and now this.

487. - That is quite an offer. -Yeah.

488. So, what do I do?

489. Look, Richard, I know you said Monica's checked out on this,

490. but... this is kind of a monumental Pied Piper matter.

491. I think you should get advice from somebody within the company.

492. That's why I'm here, Jared.

493. That's you.

494. You gotta come back.

495. - Richard— -I-I know

496. your job changed over time,

497. but we can undo that.

498. You know, restructure your role,

499. move you upstairs so you're closer to me.

500. Whatever it takes to make it work.

501. Come on, think about it. We'll be...

502. a pair of boys, back in business.

503. Richard, it's too late. I mean,

504. you know, you let me go, so I took the job here

505. - with Gwart, and— -So?

506. Go inside and tell Gwart you're leaving.

507. Well, that's not how loyalty works.

508. I mean, that wouldn't be fair.

509. Fair?

510. Years ago, you came to this house,

511. begging me for a job, and I gave you one.

512. In fact, I made you COO. And now,

513. when I need you the most, you stab me in the back,

514. and you have the balls to lecture me about loyalty?

515. Are you fucking kidding me?

516. I was right.

517. You are a buddy-fucker.

518. - Please stop saying that. -Buddy-fucker.

519. Stop saying that.

520. And-and-and please just leave this house,

521. - or I can't be held responsible for my behavior. -Oh yeah?

522. What are you gonna do, Jared? Huh?

523. You gonna buddy-fuck me? 'Cause that's what you do

524. - to your buddies now, isn't it? -Get out.

525. Oh, Gwart. No, no, no! That's too much sun.

526. Oh my God.

527. This is Gwart?

528. Richard... -

529. - This is who you're walking away for? -Richard, do not.

530. She's your new little code girlfriend?

531. - Don't. -This, uh—

532. - Don't. -This googly-eyed...

533. - No, no, no, no... -Yoo-hoo drinking—

534. - No! -Oh my God.

535. Oh, okay, okay, okay, look, I'm sorry!

536. - No. -All right.

537. I oughta knock your teeth, you bitch-made motherfucker.

538. I-I-I... I didn't mean it. -

539. I was state-raised!

540. You think I'm scared to catch a case

541. - of some bullshit? -I-I'm sorry, Jared!

542. I didn't mean it, okay? I'm sorry, Gwart.

543. - I didn't mean it! -You keep her name out of your skanky little mouth,

544. you little, little bitch!

545. Hey! Hey! Hey! This is a place of business—

546. Oh my God. Don't shoot me!

547. Jared! -

548. - Jared! Aah! -Dope-led, peckerwood motherfucker!

549. Jared! Jared, no! -Get checked in, hoe!

550. Oh, Jesus!

551. You wanna dance on the blacktop, homie?

552. You did this, Richard!

553. Aah!

554. Ow, what the fuck?

555. Mr. Gilfoyle! You wanted to see me before I left?

556. Yes, Tracy, I did.

557. I wanted you to be here when I push my entire backlog of code.

558. You finished all of it? In just 24 hours?

559. I did, all by myself.

560. I'll take that apology now.

561. Mr. Gilfoyle, you said that I had to choose.

562. You said I could have it fast or I could have it right,

563. but I just got it fast and right,

564. and all I had to do was threaten your manhood

565. by assigning you other coders.

566. It worked at seven other companies,

567. and it obviously worked here.

568. We're back on schedule!

569. Now, why would I be sorry about that.

570. I respect your skills.

571. Thank you.

572. See you in the morning.

573. And now, we are both holding

574. - a whiskey. -Yes.

575. Um, Maximo, I wanna apologize

576. for coming over here unannounced.

577. And I wanna do this deal with you,

578. but... Jesus—

579. Richard, you have some concerns because of my family.

580. I mean... yeah.

581. Richard, do you see these photographs?

582. Now, these people, a lot of them children,

583. used to work for my father in my family's mines.

584. Now, I keep them here as a reminder

585. of the many, many mistakes my father made.

586. I want to fix those mistakes, Richard.

587. By investing in you and your company,

588. I'll be able to start doing that.

589. Do you really believe that?

590. Richard, we are going to change the world, you and I.

591. Shit! What was that?

592. Ah, the birds. You know, they're attracted to the tree,

593. so sometimes, you know, kapffft!

594. What are you gonna do?

595. - To rectifying the mistakes of my father. -Sure. Yeah.

596. The fool who allowed the workers to unionize

597. and ask for higher wages

598. and more expensive hospitals.

599. - We— -Uh, sorry. What was that?

600. Yes. My grandfather, he built a great fortune,

601. but then my idiot father almost gave it all away.

602. But not now, though. Oh no.

603. Now, I mine copper, cobalt and diamonds,

604. and now, thanks to you,

605. data. Gracias.

606. Uh, no. No, what?

607. No, we do not— -

608. Oh my God!

609. Uh...

610. No, we...

611. We will not mine user data.

612. I was very clear about that.

613. But you do. -

614. Richard, did you not tell me

615. when we were sitting on my tree, bonding,

616. that there is a man in your network right now,

617. using a tool, that you built, in order to mine user data?

618. No. That is coming to an end. That doesn't happen anymore.

619. Richard, please. Cheers.

620. To our future endeavors together.

621. Maximo...

622. we will never collect and monetize user data.

623. Ever.

624. Then why would I give you one billion dollars, Richard?

625. Look at me. I am not a fool like my father.

626. You are turning this into a dick-measuring contest.

627. Please don't, because I assure you,

628. it will be I who measures the most.

629. Are-are you threatening me?

630. Take my money, Richard.

631. It'll be very good for you,

632. and very good for me.

633. But if you do not take my money, Richard...

634. oh, it will be very bad for you.