1. Jian-Yang, are—
are you copying
Copy !req
2. all those companies
for the Chinese markets?
Copy !req
3. Are you suggesting that
Copy !req
4. someone in here is leaking info
to Gavin Belson?
Copy !req
5. Tell me about these... fridges.
Copy !req
6. It's a company secret.
Copy !req
7. Do you want to save a fortune,
or not?
Copy !req
8. Well, yes.
Copy !req
9. In exchange, I need you to do
something for me,
Copy !req
10. with regard to the people
who hacked your refrigerators.
Copy !req
11. I'm going to destroy
their lives.
Copy !req
12. Jared, do you think it's...
time we hire a COO?
Copy !req
13. You're 20-30 pounds underweight.
Copy !req
14. Don't worry about him.
Copy !req
15. We're gonna find you
a much better COO.
Copy !req
16. You want the job?
Copy !req
17. - All right— Ugh. All right.
Copy !req
18. Okay, everybody, um,
thanks for coming.
Copy !req
19. Uh, sorry about the venue.
Copy !req
20. We had a minor
security issue.
Copy !req
21. I didn't feel comfortable
Copy !req
22. hosting you guys
at— at our offices.
Copy !req
23. But, hey, at least out here,
Copy !req
24. we don't run the risk
Copy !req
25. of running into anyone
from the tech industry.
Copy !req
26. Yeah, they're all so old.
Copy !req
27. But they look so happy.
Yeah.
Copy !req
28. It's weird.
Copy !req
29. I don't
understand it either.
Copy !req
30. Anyway, I wanted
you guys to meet,
Copy !req
31. because despite
being a very diverse
Copy !req
32. and talented group of
young web developers—
Copy !req
33. Goodscape, huh?
Social coding platform.
Copy !req
34. Tholio, analytics firm.
Copy !req
35. Plucky, music streaming.
Copy !req
36. FirstSight, dating site.
Copy !req
37. Gay dating site.
Copy !req
38. Okay, technically,
you're a dating site,
Copy !req
39. but specifically, a gay one.
Copy !req
40. Which is a subset,
so I'm not wrong.
Copy !req
41. Anyway, uh, despite
all our differences,
Copy !req
42. we all have one thing
in common, right?
Copy !req
43. A signed agreement with me
Copy !req
44. to build and launch
your websites,
Copy !req
45. not on the tired,
bloated, old web,
Copy !req
46. but on the new
Internet of the future.
Copy !req
47. The Pipernet.
Copy !req
48. Which is why,
from this day forward,
Copy !req
49. I'm going to be naming
the eight of you...
Copy !req
50. the OctoPipers.
Copy !req
51. Until something better, TBD.
Copy !req
52. So when can
we tell people?
Copy !req
53. Soon! Actually, very soon.
Copy !req
54. Uh, next Tuesday,
Gavin Belson is, uh...
Copy !req
55. launching his Box Three.
Copy !req
56. So, um, the day before,
Copy !req
57. we are going to announce
our partnerships with you all,
Copy !req
58. and beat him to the punch.
Copy !req
59. Shit. He's gonna be
super pissed.
Copy !req
60. He's really gonna
come after us.
Copy !req
61. Yeah, he is,
but fuck him.
Copy !req
62. Not butt fuck him.
Copy !req
63. Just...
You don't have to explain
Copy !req
64. that kinda stuff.
I-I know what you mean.
Copy !req
65. Yeah, I know. Look— look.
Copy !req
66. As long as we stick together,
Copy !req
67. and support each other,
we can crush him.
Copy !req
68. Because what we are doing
is amazing, okay?
Copy !req
69. We are building the world's
first truly open,
Copy !req
70. truly free
de-centralized Internet.
Copy !req
71. And I tell you what,
I got a sneak preview
for you guys, okay?
Copy !req
72. Because as of this morning,
Copy !req
73. messaging is live.
What!
Copy !req
74. Cool.
Yeah.
Copy !req
75. Really? So cool!
Copy !req
76. So...
Copy !req
77. right now,
I will send to you all
Copy !req
78. the very first message
Copy !req
79. ever to be sent
on a de-centralized,
peer-to-peer Internet.
Copy !req
80. Ready?
Copy !req
81. "Hit her."
Copy !req
82. I don't get it.
Are you talking about me?
Copy !req
83. I meant to say "Hi there."
Copy !req
84. Well, it definitely
says "Hit her."
Copy !req
85. I'll try it again.
There's a new one.
Copy !req
86. There. "Hi there."
Copy !req
87. "Hi there, Hitler."
Copy !req
88. Goddammit.
Copy !req
89. Hey, Richard?
Copy !req
90. You don't have
any issue with us
Copy !req
91. being an exclusively
gay site, do you?
Copy !req
92. What? No!
Copy !req
93. No, it's—
it's totally cool.
Copy !req
94. Oh! Wait a minute, no,
I don't mean you are anti-gay.
Copy !req
95. I mean the opposite.
Like, are you worried
Copy !req
96. that we're excluding
straight people?
Copy !req
97. Oh.
I just remember you said,
Copy !req
98. you want your new Internet
to be open for everybody,
Copy !req
99. and, you know, I just want
to make sure we're jibing
with your vision.
Copy !req
100. Deedee, we are psyched
to have you aboard.
Copy !req
101. Exclude all the straight
people you want.
Copy !req
102. You sure?
Yep.
Copy !req
103. Because we're not
snobs about it.
Copy !req
104. I mean, between you and me,
Copy !req
105. I'm dreadfully boring.
Copy !req
106. I might as well
be straight myself.
Copy !req
107. I've been
with the same man
for seven years.
Copy !req
108. I go to church every Sunday.
Copy !req
109. Look, it— it's all good.
Copy !req
110. FirstSight
is a gay dating site.
Copy !req
111. And— and I will sing it
from the rooftops.
Copy !req
112. Alright, well,
thank you, Richard.
Copy !req
113. I think this is
gonna be great.
Copy !req
114. Cool.
Copy !req
115. Yeah.
Okay.
Copy !req
116. Don't be weird.
I didn't know
what we'd be doing.
Copy !req
117. So...
Copy !req
118. everybody is very psyched.
Copy !req
119. You know who else is psyched?
I'll give you a hint.
Copy !req
120. They have four thumbs,
and they are these two guys.
Copy !req
121. I am very excited.
I am giddy!
Copy !req
122. Okay, what—
what happened?
Copy !req
123. We found the mole.
Copy !req
124. What?
Yeah.
Copy !req
125. Who
Copy !req
126. Good old-fashioned
police work.
Copy !req
127. I skimmed through all 40,000
of the staff's outgoing emails.
Copy !req
128. Yeah?
And in addition to learning
Copy !req
129. that we need to revise
the office dating policy,
Copy !req
130. because it is, essentially,
the Olympic Village out there,
Copy !req
131. I learned that
someone has been sending
Copy !req
132. a number of
encrypted messages
Copy !req
133. but using Gilfoyle's
purloined NSA tools—
Copy !req
134. I can't hold this smile
forever, Jared.
Get to the good stuff.
Copy !req
135. One of our coders
has been sending info
Copy !req
136. straight to
Hooli High Command.
Copy !req
137. Wow.
Copy !req
138. How the fuck did the mole
get all this information?
Copy !req
139. By exploiting our most
glaring weakness.
Copy !req
140. No, no, no.
You guys have it all wrong.
Copy !req
141. Okay? There's no way
Jeff is the mole.
Copy !req
142. Okay? It's not Jeff.
Copy !req
143. Right, Jeff?
Copy !req
144. Jeff?
Copy !req
145. What about
Dave & Buster's, Jeff?
Copy !req
146. What about that time
I got a bullseye in Skee-Ball
Copy !req
147. and yelled out, "Bazinga!"
Copy !req
148. And you said, "Okay."
Copy !req
149. You can't fake
enthusiasm like that.
Copy !req
150. Well, I did.
Copy !req
151. You Judas.
Copy !req
152. You cow-handed
poltroon!
Copy !req
153. We— We thought
you were a Stallion!
Copy !req
154. You're no Stallion.
Copy !req
155. What is it with you guys
and stallions?
Copy !req
156. What's with you
being a rat fuck?
Copy !req
157. You signed a very aggressive
Non-Disclosure Agreement...
Copy !req
158. which you are
in breach of.
Copy !req
159. Which means, we can
fire you, obviously,
Copy !req
160. and then have you arrested,
and thrown in jail.
Copy !req
161. But Gavin would then
know we are on to you,
Copy !req
162. so here's the deal.
Copy !req
163. You're gonna come
into the office every day,
Copy !req
164. and sit down at your
fucking workstation,
Copy !req
165. and pretend like
nothing's wrong.
Copy !req
166. Fine.
Copy !req
167. Uh, that was mine.
Copy !req
168. Bummer.
Copy !req
169. "The irony is, the Internet,
which we all use
Copy !req
170. "to search for
billions of things,
Copy !req
171. "has itself long been
searching for something.
Copy !req
172. And here it is."
Copy !req
173. Okay, then I turn
and gesture.
Copy !req
174. "The Box Three.
Copy !req
175. Signature Edition."
Copy !req
176. Then I come back
to the podium.
Copy !req
177. "I put my name on this,
Copy !req
178. "because I personally
stand behind
Copy !req
179. "the new SAS-slash
SSD-slash-NVMe
drive bays,
Copy !req
180. "the 24-core processors.
Copy !req
181. "I stand behind the ECC DDR4
SD-RAM LR-DIMMs
Copy !req
182. "and their exceptional
reliability.
Copy !req
183. Will you stand with me?"
Copy !req
184. About the spotlight,
should it be wider?
Copy !req
185. I had the same thought.
As did I.
Copy !req
186. I can speak with
the technical team.
Please.
Copy !req
187. Any word from our mole
at Pied Piper?
Copy !req
188. I'm confident that if there
were anything to report,
Copy !req
189. we'd have heard
about it by now, sir.
Copy !req
190. Alright!
Copy !req
191. I'm off to Jackson Hole
for a couple of days
to clear my mind,
Copy !req
192. and center myself.
Copy !req
193. I'll be off the grid.
Not to be disturbed
for any reason.
Copy !req
194. Understood?
Absolutely.
Copy !req
195. Is there anything else
you'd like us to take care of?
Oh.
Copy !req
196. The bear is sticky
with honey.
Copy !req
197. See ya soon.
Copy !req
198. "The bear is sticky
with honey."
Copy !req
199. What does
he mean by that?
Copy !req
200. I don't know.
Copy !req
201. Hello, Stallions.
Copy !req
202. You continue to be
the best of the best.
Copy !req
203. I commend you.
Copy !req
204. And then there's you.
Copy !req
205. The anti-Stallion.
Copy !req
206. Move your hand off
your fucking mouse, now.
Copy !req
207. And I was going to take you
to see BattleBots live with me,
Copy !req
208. but no longer... "friend."
Copy !req
209. Now who looks stupid?
Copy !req
210. Yeah, so, um...
Copy !req
211. our new developers
just agreed to our terms,
Copy !req
212. Richard :
and are now
officially on board.
Copy !req
213. Richard is a master
at getting consent.
Copy !req
214. That's great news, guys.
Copy !req
215. Eight new partners.
Copy !req
216. Yeah! Actually,
we're calling them
the OctoPipers.
Copy !req
217. Uh, until a better name
comes along.
Copy !req
218. Just wanted to give
that one its day in court.
Copy !req
219. Well, we have some more
good news for you, Richard.
Copy !req
220. You remember last year,
Copy !req
221. Laurie and I funded
K
Copy !req
222. Largest independent
gaming company
in the Valley?
Copy !req
223. Uh, yeah, of course!
Copy !req
224. Um, actually, now that
you— you bring them up,
Copy !req
225. I-I didn't want to
be too forward,
Copy !req
226. but I was hoping
that one day,
Copy !req
227. we could talk to them
about joining our 'net.
Copy !req
228. Well, what if I told you
that day is today?
Copy !req
229. What?
Copy !req
230. In addition to being
business associates,
Copy !req
231. the CEO and I take
medically prescribed
Copy !req
232. and supervised
MDMA together.
Copy !req
233. I'm taking it for severe
post-partum depression.
Copy !req
234. I do not know
why he is taking it.
Copy !req
235. Regardless, when
I saw him yesterday,
Copy !req
236. he was quite euphoric
about speaking to you
regarding a deal.
Copy !req
237. K
The creators of the game
Copy !req
238. "Undead Sex Offender"?
They're— they're huge.
Copy !req
239. Yeah! Yeah, partnering
with a company
of that size this early
Copy !req
240. would put us months ahead.
Copy !req
241. This is not a done deal.
Copy !req
242. K-Hole is protective
of its brand.
Copy !req
243. They will want
to speak to you
Copy !req
244. regarding who else
you are dealing with.
Copy !req
245. Okay, right, well, um...
Copy !req
246. why don't I just
bring the OctoPipers?
Copy !req
247. New name to come,
though it's pretty
popular around here.
Copy !req
248. Uh, they can talk to K-Hole.
Copy !req
249. Tell them why they joined.
Copy !req
250. Allowing you to speak less?
Copy !req
251. Good strategy. Alright.
Copy !req
252. K-Hole will be
expecting you
this afternoon.
Copy !req
253. Knock 'em dead, Richard.
Copy !req
254. Whatever you are doing,
stop it now.
Copy !req
255. Um, yeah.
We're just... high-fiving.
Copy !req
256. Bye.
Copy !req
257. K-Hole.
I can't believe it!
Copy !req
258. I'm bursting. I'm bursting!
Copy !req
259. Um, here, I printed
driving directions.
Copy !req
260. Oh, it's okay,
I got my phone.
Copy !req
261. Well, I have marked available
bathrooms along the route.
Copy !req
262. Okay, here we go.
Copy !req
263. Richard, you never
return my calls.
Copy !req
264. You mean the hundreds
of voicemails you've left
Copy !req
265. where you just called me
a terrible CEO with no dick?
Copy !req
266. Yes! You're talking
to other companies.
Copy !req
267. That is not
public information.
Copy !req
268. Jian-Yang:
I'm a part owner
in Pied Piper.
Copy !req
269. You need to make a deal
with my companies.
Copy !req
270. You mean your incubator's
spurious knock-offs
Copy !req
271. of legitimate
American businesses?
Copy !req
272. "New Expedia,"
"New Snapchat,"
"New Zillow"?
Copy !req
273. But they're for Chinese market.
Copy !req
274. It's a very
sophisticated strategy.
Copy !req
275. Okay, look, taking
existing companies
Copy !req
276. and just calling them "new"
isn't sophisticated.
That's theft.
Copy !req
277. You make a new Internet.
Copy !req
278. That is different.
Copy !req
279. I— Look, we're not
gonna make any deals
Copy !req
280. with any of your
companies, okay?
Copy !req
281. Don't pick up.
Copy !req
282. Richard, hello.
Copy !req
283. It's Jian-Yang.
Copy !req
284. You are a shitty CEO.
Copy !req
285. As long as I own
10% of Pied Piper,
Copy !req
286. I will make chaos.
Copy !req
287. Okay.
Copy !req
288. I thought
you hated that car.
Copy !req
289. Aviato car smells
like a dead pig.
Copy !req
290. You're aware
that Russ Hanneman
urinated in that car, no?
Copy !req
291. This car?
Copy !req
292. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
293. Uh...
Copy !req
294. are you just
gonna leave it here?
Yes.
Copy !req
295. Well...
Copy !req
296. looks like I have
a reason to find
Copy !req
297. Pied Piper's official
towing company.
Copy !req
298. I'm gonna get some bids.
Copy !req
299. Yeah, while you're at it,
Copy !req
300. see if you can find someone
to bash that guy's face in.
Copy !req
301. Uh, I-I can do
some research.
Copy !req
302. Maybe turn your phone off
during the meeting.
Copy !req
303. You're a shitty CEO!
Copy !req
304. Thanks again, Colin,
for having us.
Copy !req
305. Uh, the fact that
a company like yours
Copy !req
306. with such a
pristine reputation
it sitting down with us
Copy !req
307. is, honestly,
incredibly flattering.
Copy !req
308. It's cool.
Copy !req
309. Ooh, wow.
Copy !req
310. That'll be a
closed casket. Yeah.
Copy !req
311. Alright, well,
we thought the best way
Copy !req
312. to introduce the Pipernet
Copy !req
313. would be through
the eight developers
Copy !req
314. that have already
signed on.
Copy !req
315. Who we are calling
the OctoPipers.
Copy !req
316. That's dumb.
Copy !req
317. Um, anyway,
let's introduce you
to the group.
Copy !req
318. Um, we've got a great
analytics tool
Copy !req
319. by a former Google guru.
Copy !req
320. Wish I'd have thought
of that one.
Cool.
Copy !req
321. Uh, music streaming
with an AI taste predictor
Copy !req
322. that is off the charts.
Copy !req
323. Good space.
Copy !req
324. Yes, and this handsome
devil over here,
Copy !req
325. is creating a very promising
gay dating site.
Copy !req
326. That's cool.
Yeah, but don't worry,
he's not snobby about it.
Copy !req
327. He's actually
pretty boring.
Copy !req
328. I don't mean
that as an insult.
Those are his words.
Copy !req
329. Long-term relationship.
Doesn't smoke, doesn't drink.
Copy !req
330. And him and his man
go to church every Sunday.
Copy !req
331. So...
Copy !req
332. loves Bible studies, right?
Copy !req
333. Just a straight-up
boring, ordinary guy,
Copy !req
334. but obviously not straight.
Copy !req
335. Very gay, and also
a Christian, right?
Copy !req
336. Okay, so, that went well.
Copy !req
337. It started out a little weird,
but things really picked up—
Why did you do that?
Copy !req
338. Why did you say that?
Say what?
Copy !req
339. Richard, you just told
a room full of tech people
Copy !req
340. that I'm a
Christian.
Copy !req
341. Oh.
Copy !req
342. Okay, but—
but you are, aren't you?
Copy !req
343. Yes, but I told you
that in confidence.
Copy !req
344. I said "between you and me."
Copy !req
345. I'm not openly Christian.
Copy !req
346. Thanks a lot, man.
Copy !req
347. You just outed me.
Copy !req
348. Oh, I'm sorry, Deedee.
I didn't—
Copy !req
349. Okay, um,
should we hug?
Copy !req
350. I can not make it
weird this time.
Copy !req
351. I'm— I'm sorry, Richard.
Copy !req
352. You know that
my default position
Copy !req
353. is blind support
of whatever you do, but...
Copy !req
354. this was not
your best moment.
Copy !req
355. Guys, it can't be
that big of a deal, right?
Copy !req
356. Why should it be?
Copy !req
357. America loves Christians.
Copy !req
358. Muslims are the enemy.
Copy !req
359. Well, that's true
in most of America,
Copy !req
360. but not in
Silicon Valley, sadly.
Copy !req
361. "Sadly"?
You can be openly
polyamorous.
Copy !req
362. And people here
will call you brave.
Copy !req
363. You can put micro-doses
of LSD in your cereal,
Copy !req
364. and— and people
will call you a pioneer.
Copy !req
365. But the one thing
you cannot be
is a Christian.
Copy !req
366. I find their theology
to be illegitimate,
Copy !req
367. and it's clear that
they are the source
Copy !req
368. of the majority of
the world's problems.
Copy !req
369. But, fuck, Richard,
even I wouldn't just...
Copy !req
370. out a Christian like that.
Copy !req
371. Yeah, it was
kinda fucked up.
Copy !req
372. Cool man, thanks.
Copy !req
373. Hey, I thought he wasn't
supposed to chime in.
Copy !req
374. Yeah, he's not, but...
Copy !req
375. based on its merits,
I'll allow that one.
Copy !req
376. Guys,
come on.
Copy !req
377. It can't be that bad.
Copy !req
378. Richard!
Copy !req
379. What the fuck
did you do over there?
Copy !req
380. So I just got off
the phone with Colin
over at K-Hole,
Copy !req
381. and while he loves your tech,
Copy !req
382. he's considering
blowing up the deal.
Copy !req
383. What?
Copy !req
384. Just because one of
my CEOs is Christian?
Copy !req
385. It freaks people out
in the Valley!
Copy !req
386. Okay, so what do you
want me to do, Monica?
Copy !req
387. You want me to drop Deedee
just because he's Christian?
Copy !req
388. The company's not Christian.
It's gay...
Copy !req
389. which is fine, right?
Copy !req
390. Yeah! No, that—
that plays great.
Copy !req
391. Look, cutting all ties
to Deedee and FirstSight
Copy !req
392. will definitely send
a strong message to Colin.
Copy !req
393. And it might be
the only way.
Copy !req
394. Like killing somebody
to prove you're not a narc,
Copy !req
395. or showing a john
your genitals
Copy !req
396. to prove you're
a legitimate
male prostitute
Copy !req
397. and not an undercover cop.
Copy !req
398. What?
Because cops aren't
allowed to do that.
Copy !req
399. And worst case scenario,
Copy !req
400. the john walks off
with a free peek.
Copy !req
401. Oh, that's the
towing company.
Excuse me.
Copy !req
402. Forget it.
Copy !req
403. Monica, I'm not doing it.
Copy !req
404. I mean, I'm not dropping him.
Copy !req
405. Alright. Fine.
Copy !req
406. Fine. I-I will call Colin,
Copy !req
407. and try and smooth
things over for you,
Copy !req
408. but you need
to handle Deedee.
Copy !req
409. Okay, apologize
for outing him, of course,
Copy !req
410. but you need to make sure
he keeps quiet about this.
Copy !req
411. Alright, 'cause it's not just
about losing K-Hole,
Copy !req
412. it's way worse than that.
Copy !req
413. Let's put it this way.
Copy !req
414. Would you want to go
from being a rock band
Copy !req
415. to being...
a Christian rock band?
Copy !req
416. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
417. "The bear is sticky
with honey."
Copy !req
418. Those were
his exact words.
Copy !req
419. But what does that mean?
Copy !req
420. Well, Gavin speaks
in parables.
Copy !req
421. I think what
Gavin is saying is...
Copy !req
422. "consider the bear."
Copy !req
423. And all this pizazz
is like the honey.
Copy !req
424. And it's become too sticky.
Copy !req
425. There's too much of it.
It's all over him.
Copy !req
426. Incorrect. No, see,
the whole launch
is the bear,
Copy !req
427. and the honey is the pizazz.
Copy !req
428. The bear needs more pizazz.
Copy !req
429. The bear is ravenous
for pizazz.
Copy !req
430. You don't speak for Gavin.
Copy !req
431. I don't need to.
This is the word of Gavin.
Copy !req
432. Alright, forget it.
Copy !req
433. You do it your way,
I'll do it mine.
Okay, fine.
Copy !req
434. Gonna show you.
Make it clear for all of you.
Okay, follow me.
Copy !req
435. Well, congratulations
on becoming
Copy !req
436. Pied Piper's official
towing company.
Copy !req
437. Uh-huh, yeah, great.
Copy !req
438. So should I bill this to you,
Copy !req
439. or is Mr. Bighetti
gonna take care of it?
Copy !req
440. "Bighetti"?
It's registered
under his name.
Copy !req
441. I'm sorry. Can I...?
Copy !req
442. Anyway, it was a mistake.
Copy !req
443. I'm sorry I outed you.
Copy !req
444. I just wish we could
go back to normal.
Copy !req
445. You know, just like,
how things were.
Copy !req
446. A CEO and a gay CEO.
Copy !req
447. I don't even know what
normal is anymore, Richard.
Copy !req
448. It's been such
a crazy 24 hours,
you know?
Copy !req
449. Gossip travels
so fast in the Valley.
Copy !req
450. I'll be lucky if my parents
ever talk to me again.
Copy !req
451. Your parents
aren't Christian?
Copy !req
452. I'm from Palo Alto.
Copy !req
453. You know, my dad says
my lifestyle makes him sick.
Copy !req
454. He just wants
his gay son back.
Copy !req
455. And he's okay
with the gay part?
Copy !req
456. He's gay.
Oh.
Copy !req
457. But the crazy part is,
Copy !req
458. when I finally got home
and I got in bed,
Copy !req
459. I had the soundest sleep
I've had in years.
Copy !req
460. Exhaustion.
No! Relief, Richard.
Copy !req
461. I'm out, okay?
Copy !req
462. My nightmare's over.
Copy !req
463. I don't ever have to go
back in the closet again,
Copy !req
464. and I've got you
to thank for it.
Copy !req
465. Check it out.
Copy !req
466. Oh, oh, oh.
Copy !req
467. You like it?
Copy !req
468. It's good. I guess...
maybe it's just a little busy?
Copy !req
469. Like, um, there's
one word too many.
Copy !req
470. One word?
Well, I like the gay part.
Copy !req
471. If anything,
it could be more gay.
Copy !req
472. You should gay it up,
Copy !req
473. and then, I like
the "proud" part.
Copy !req
474. It's just the...
Copy !req
475. Christian part.
Copy !req
476. Look, Richard,
this is great,
Copy !req
477. because now I can be
gay and a Christian.
Copy !req
478. Or just be gay!
Copy !req
479. You know, you could
be a— a twink.
Copy !req
480. A bear, an otter.
Copy !req
481. A circuit queen,
a chub, a pup.
Copy !req
482. A gipster,
a daddy chaser,
Copy !req
483. a leatherman,
a lady boy.
Copy !req
484. You could be a Donald Duck,
Copy !req
485. which is a gay guy
who got kicked out
of the Navy.
Copy !req
486. Yeah, I— I know what it is.
Copy !req
487. How do you know
so many gay things?
Copy !req
488. I worked with a guy.
Copy !req
489. Just...
Copy !req
490. don't be a Christian.
Copy !req
491. Wow.
Copy !req
492. After all you put me through,
Copy !req
493. it turns out,
you're biased too.
Copy !req
494. No! No, no, no!
I'm not!
Copy !req
495. I swear to you I'm not.
I'm chill AF.
Copy !req
496. It's just everybody else.
Copy !req
497. Look, if you go Christian,
I lose K-Hole games.
Copy !req
498. I cannot let that happen.
I know it sucks.
Copy !req
499. It's shitty,
but it's the truth.
Copy !req
500. I'm gonna make things
easy for you, Richard.
Copy !req
501. I'm out.
Copy !req
502. Of the closet?
No!
Copy !req
503. The new Internet!
Copy !req
504. The Internet you said
was gonna be
Copy !req
505. "The first truly free
and open Internet."
Copy !req
506. Open for everyone.
Copy !req
507. Whatever happened to that, huh?
Copy !req
508. Nice place.
Copy !req
509. Oh, thanks, yeah.
Copy !req
510. Oh, wow!
That's a nice touch.
Copy !req
511. Big Head:
Yeah, thanks!
Copy !req
512. The Monterey Bay Aquarium
was testing their sonar,
Copy !req
513. and found this thing, like,
two miles under the ocean.
Copy !req
514. And I figure,
Erlich and I
already bought it,
Copy !req
515. so I might as well
hold onto it.
Copy !req
516. Plus, it weighs
like 8,000 pounds,
Copy !req
517. so I couldn't move it
if I wanted to.
Copy !req
518. Well, and it also kinda
works as your mascot.
Copy !req
519. Right
Copy !req
520. Oh, yeah, 'cause "Nelson."
Copy !req
521. Oh, I meant because
it's a big head.
Copy !req
522. I guess that works, too.
Copy !req
523. So, what's up, man?
Copy !req
524. Um, well,
I wanted to ask you—
Copy !req
525. Oh! Big Head!
Copy !req
526. Now I get it.
Copy !req
527. Sorry.
Is— is it possible
Copy !req
528. that the general partnership
that you formed with Erlich
Copy !req
529. is still in effect?
Copy !req
530. Oh. No way.
Copy !req
531. You definitely dissolved it?
Copy !req
532. Yeah, my dad insisted.
Copy !req
533. I remember he filled out
this whole form for me,
Copy !req
534. and made me sign it,
Copy !req
535. mail it in and everything.
Copy !req
536. Yeah, 'cause I—
I remember I had
the paperwork in one hand,
Copy !req
537. and the menu for
Mr. Chow's in the other.
Copy !req
538. And then—
Copy !req
539. Oh, no way!
Copy !req
540. Still have the paperwork.
Copy !req
541. Guess I must have
sent the menu.
Copy !req
542. Big Head,
this is great news.
Copy !req
543. Gavin?
Copy !req
544. I think you're really going
to love the changes
Copy !req
545. that my team has made
to the presentation.
Copy !req
546. I think you might
like ours even better.
Copy !req
547. Sorry, what changes?
Copy !req
548. We are presenting two paths,
Copy !req
549. and you alone will decide
which one we walk, Gavin.
Copy !req
550. What the fuck are you
talking about?
Copy !req
551. I thought the presentation
was fine as it is.
Copy !req
552. Wait. What?
You did?
Copy !req
553. Goddammit!
Copy !req
554. Why is this still here?
Copy !req
555. I said it was too sticky.
Copy !req
556. Don't you listen
to anything I say?
Copy !req
557. The bear...
Sticky with honey.
Copy !req
558. So what did you change?
Copy !req
559. Uh, the spotlight.
Copy !req
560. Yes! We're making it
wider just like you asked.
Copy !req
561. Good.
Copy !req
562. You know what? Let's show you
to your dressing room.
Yeah.
Copy !req
563. And whenever
you're ready,
you let us know,
Copy !req
564. we'll show you
that spotlight, huh?
Copy !req
565. You're gonna love it.
We did it!
Copy !req
566. We had to fly
him in from Tucson,
but we got the bear.
Copy !req
567. Gavin hates the bear.
You failed!
Copy !req
568. Put everything back
the way it was.
Copy !req
569. And widen the spotlight!
Copy !req
570. Guess what, asshole.
Copy !req
571. Leon told me
he wanted your ticket,
Copy !req
572. 'cause he wants to go
see BattleBots with me.
Copy !req
573. But then he remembered
he actually had plans that night
Copy !req
574. with a bunch of people,
doesn't know what they're doing,
Copy !req
575. their plans are sort of fluid,
Copy !req
576. plus, it's like friends
from his old work,
Copy !req
577. so it'd be weird
if I hung out with them.
Copy !req
578. Anyway...
Copy !req
579. looks like you and I
are going to see BattleBots.
Copy !req
580. You're going to
hang out with me,
Copy !req
581. and have fun,
whether you like it or not.
Copy !req
582. And what goes best
with BattleBots?
Copy !req
583. That's right.
Chicken wings.
Copy !req
584. That's why you get
a sweet $50 gift card
to Dave & Buster's.
Copy !req
585. Serves you right
for fucking us over.
Copy !req
586. Wash your fucking hair.
Copy !req
587. And you know what happens
when I get drunk, Jeff?
Copy !req
588. I get so sincere.
Copy !req
589. It's really awkward.
Copy !req
590. Fuck you, Jeff.
Copy !req
591. Oh, um, can you drive?
Copy !req
592. Well, I spoke to La Flamme,
Copy !req
593. and it's official.
Copy !req
594. Big Head is still legally
Erlich's next of kin.
Copy !req
595. So Jian-Yang's whole gambit
was for naught.
Copy !req
596. Wow, really?
Copy !req
597. Big Head owns Erlich's house,
and 10% of Pied Piper.
Copy !req
598. I called the sheriff
and started eviction
proceedings.
Copy !req
599. We're gonna get
everything back.
Copy !req
600. Oh, also, the, uh,
OctoPipers are arriving
for the meeting.
Copy !req
601. It's a good thing
that FirstSight
dropped out, right?
Copy !req
602. 'Cause we're back down
to eight developers,
Copy !req
603. so you can keep that name.
Copy !req
604. Actually, uh, no, we can't.
Copy !req
605. Wait, what?
Copy !req
606. I'm glad this
worked out.
Yeah.
Copy !req
607. Thanks for
dropping FirstSight.
Copy !req
608. Jesus, my board would
have nailed me to a cross.
Copy !req
609. Well, I think we're just about
ready to get going here, uh...
Copy !req
610. Oh.
Hey!
Copy !req
611. Oh, good, there he is.
What's he doing here?
Copy !req
612. He is here because
I asked him to be.
Copy !req
613. I want him to be one
of our developers.
Copy !req
614. What? No!
Fuck that guy!
Copy !req
615. Hey, man, how's it goin'?
Copy !req
616. Richard.
Deedee.
Copy !req
617. Can I talk to you?
Yeah!
Copy !req
618. No, no, no.
Actually, look!
Copy !req
619. Look, guys, I...
Copy !req
620. I asked you to be
a part of this
Copy !req
621. because I thought you were
willing to take a chance
Copy !req
622. on my idea.
Copy !req
623. An entirely new Internet.
Copy !req
624. An Internet that is everything
Copy !req
625. the old Internet is supposed
to be, but isn't.
Copy !req
626. Truly free and truly open.
Copy !req
627. Well, I'm sorry, gang.
Copy !req
628. Truly open means
"open to everyone."
Copy !req
629. No matter how repugnant
their views are.
Copy !req
630. How ignorant or stupid,
Copy !req
631. or, to be honest,
totally fucking wrong.
Copy !req
632. And, look, who are we
to judge, right?
Copy !req
633. There's some people
out there that believe
Copy !req
634. that we're living in
a computer simulation.
Copy !req
635. Well, that is supported
by the evidence.
Copy !req
636. What?
Copy !req
637. Uh, it's basic
probability theory.
Copy !req
638. Right, uh, Richard, can I
talk to you for just a sec?
Yes, of course.
Copy !req
639. Uh, that's bullshit actually.
Copy !req
640. It's been disproven.
Copy !req
641. But why does that
even matter?
Copy !req
642. In a few years,
we'll all be working
for robots.
Copy !req
643. No, that's stupid.
Copy !req
644. The robots will be
working for us.
Copy !req
645. Robots?
Who gives a fuck
about robots?
Copy !req
646. It's the artificial
super intelligence
we should be worried about.
Copy !req
647. Exactly, and that's why
we have to stop it.
Copy !req
648. Stop it?
No, that's the us
I'm talking about.
Copy !req
649. We have to bring it
into existence.
Copy !req
650. Otherwise, it'll find out
who didn't believe in it,
and punish them.
Copy !req
651. Right.
Guys, I was wrong.
Copy !req
652. Um, Deedee is...
Copy !req
653. not in. He's actually
very much out.
Copy !req
654. So...
Copy !req
655. do-over on the whole speech.
Copy !req
656. Fuck that guy!
Copy !req
657. Christians suck!
Copy !req
658. And, uh,
here's a good
side effect though.
Copy !req
659. Uh, we all get to keep
the name OctoPipers.
Copy !req
660. You know what?
Why don't we just
take a quick five?
Copy !req
661. And then, we'll BRB,
Copy !req
662. and then, go teams.
Copy !req
663. So just— let's have a—
Copy !req
664. What just happened?
Copy !req
665. Deedee's out?
Copy !req
666. Yeah, well, he said
Copy !req
667. that right after
he bailed on us,
Copy !req
668. he went out and made a deal
with our competitor.
Copy !req
669. But we don't have
any competitors.
Richard?
Copy !req
670. Fuckin' Jian-Yang.
Copy !req
671. I'm gonna tear him
a new asshole.
Copy !req
672. It wasn't enough to do
New Snapchat or New Expedia,
Copy !req
673. he had to do
New Pied Piper too?
Copy !req
674. Where did
he get our code?
Copy !req
675. He was always stealing
snacks from the office.
Copy !req
676. He could've lifted it
from anywhere.
Copy !req
677. I guess that's what happened
to my lavender cheese.
Copy !req
678. Jian-Yang! Open up!
Copy !req
679. What the fuck?
Copy !req
680. Why does every home
I've ever loved
get stripped?
Copy !req
681. Is that Erlich
in the bucket?
Copy !req
682. Uh...
Copy !req
683. "Richard...
Copy !req
684. "Hello, I went to China
to do new new Internet.
Copy !req
685. "Thank you. Enjoy your house.
Copy !req
686. "I love you.
Copy !req
687. Jian-Yang."
Copy !req
688. I'm here with Pied Piper CEO
Richard Hendricks,
Copy !req
689. and newly minted COO Jared Dunn.
Copy !req
690. Tell me what your new internet
is,
Copy !req
691. and why Gavin Belson
should be afraid of it.
Copy !req
692. Sir, I had no idea
they were this far along.
Copy !req
693. You must be furious.
Copy !req
694. That's the thing.
Copy !req
695. I'm not.
Copy !req
696. So, we're just giving
a random company
Copy !req
697. a bunch of free compute power
on our network?
Copy !req
698. Some company called Eklow.
Copy !req
699. The AI company?
Copy !req
700. Follow me,
I'll introduce you to her.
Copy !req
701. Sorry
Copy !req
702. Fiona.
Copy !req
703. - Good morning.
Copy !req
704. Yeah, sure. Yep.
Copy !req