1. I sent you 63 good people.
You have to choose.Copy !req
2. They have
to meet our rigorous standards.Copy !req
3. I mean, look at the three
we've already hired.Copy !req
4. Stallions.Copy !req
5. Hooli is the future,
and your future is...Copy !req
6. The Box 2.
Are there any questions?Copy !req
7. Everything you're doing here
is antiquated.Copy !req
8. Fuck you guys.
Get out of here.Copy !req
9. You wish to acquire
a company called Sliceline?Copy !req
10. I will be taking on a total
engineering team of about 50.Copy !req
11. Um... Wha—Copy !req
12. Don't tell anyone, okay?
- Um...Copy !req
13. My Tesla finally came.Copy !req
14. Was that a wise purchase?Copy !req
15. Considering Richard justCopy !req
16. obliterated Pied Piper's runway
hiring all those coders?Copy !req
17. I ordered it a month ago.Copy !req
18. But still, it's an investment.Copy !req
19. As I understand,Copy !req
20. cars depreciate
10 percentCopy !req
21. as soon as they
fall off the truck.Copy !req
22. Like that.Copy !req
23. So if the car costs $100,Copy !req
24. well you just lost $10.Copy !req
25. Did it cost $100?Copy !req
26. Or more?Copy !req
27. It's not about the money.Copy !req
28. I, my friend, am now partCopy !req
29. of the green revolution.Copy !req
30. Are you?Copy !req
31. Most electricity
still comes fromCopy !req
32. gas plants
and coal-burning
smoke stacks.Copy !req
33. Do you know where
your electricity comes from?Copy !req
34. No.
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
35. Look how shiny it is.Copy !req
36. Plus, it has a frunk—Copy !req
37. a front trunk.Copy !req
38. Here, hop in, let me
give you a ride to work.Copy !req
39. Dinesh,Copy !req
40. you like this?Copy !req
41. Jesus fucking Christ!Copy !req
42. Is that a dead pig?
Yes.Copy !req
43. It's just like Errich.Copy !req
44. My corrupt uncleCopy !req
45. sent a death certificateCopy !req
46. from ChinaCopy !req
47. but to send body
is too expensive.Copy !req
48. So...Copy !req
49. I cremate a pigCopy !req
50. because a pig is
most like a fat human.Copy !req
51. I gotta get to work.Copy !req
52. Dinesh...Copy !req
53. can you take
pig to backyard?Copy !req
54. I need to burn it.Copy !req
55. No.Copy !req
56. That's odd.Copy !req
57. You left before me.Copy !req
58. How was I able
to park before you?Copy !req
59. I guess all 50
of the new employeesCopy !req
60. decided to show up
bright and earlyCopy !req
61. for the fucking
all-hands meeting.Copy !req
62. I had to park on level five.Copy !req
63. Huh! So unlike you,Copy !req
64. the world understandsCopy !req
65. that I'm saving the planetCopy !req
66. and has rewarded me with...Copy !req
67. primo spot.Copy !req
68. Congratulations.Copy !req
69. You've finally taken
your rightful spotCopy !req
70. amongst the handicapped.Copy !req
71. Is it broken?Copy !req
72. Uh, no.
I think I'm okay.Copy !req
73. One question,
what the fuck happened?Copy !req
74. 'Cause... you were
doing your speechCopy !req
75. right there in front
of the whole company,Copy !req
76. and then...Copy !req
77. Wow.Copy !req
78. Well...Copy !req
79. uh, my speech was going poorly.Copy !req
80. Agreed.
Yeah.Copy !req
81. And I started to panic.Copy !req
82. With good reason.Copy !req
83. And then...Copy !req
84. all of a sudden, I...Copy !req
85. I thought I had
to shit my pants, okay?Copy !req
86. And that's why you jumpedCopy !req
87. face first into
a glass wall?Copy !req
88. No, it all happened so fast,Copy !req
89. but... essentially, I thought,Copy !req
90. if it was gonna happen,
I didn't want to be standing.Copy !req
91. So, I crouched, because...Copy !req
92. If you wanna
shit yourself,Copy !req
93. you'd rather be
crouching than standing?Copy !req
94. Yes. I mean, if you had to.Copy !req
95. I hate to say this,
but I follow you.Copy !req
96. The thing is,
when I crouched,
I had to burp.Copy !req
97. But since I was all,
you know, tucked up,Copy !req
98. I actually
vomited a little.Copy !req
99. And then, that's when
my fight-or-flight
reflex kicked in.Copy !req
100. Do you ever fight?Copy !req
101. Okay, fine, then my
"or flight" reflex kicked in
and I just...Copy !req
102. Pow.
Yeah.Copy !req
103. Okay. Well, what we saw
was a very oily manCopy !req
104. in mid-sentence dip down,Copy !req
105. vomit, and then
thrust himself violentlyCopy !req
106. face first into
a glass wall.Copy !req
107. But I guess it's a lot
less embarrassingCopy !req
108. the way you explain it.Copy !req
109. Richard, what about...Copy !req
110. Did you evacuate
in your pants?Copy !req
111. Oh, no, uh, good news.Copy !req
112. I think what happened
when I hit the glass,Copy !req
113. I sort of shocked myself.Copy !req
114. Now, I don't have to.Copy !req
115. That's actually
kind of disappointing,Copy !req
116. because, like,
no closure.Copy !req
117. Well, on the bright side,
it'll be that much easierCopy !req
118. to get you cleaned up
and back out there.Copy !req
119. What?
I have you scheduled for
three more days of orientation.Copy !req
120. No way. Cancel them.Copy !req
121. There's no way
I'm going back out there.Copy !req
122. Especially after knowing
what they saw.Copy !req
123. No, fuck it. Plus, I'm—
I'm way too busy, so.Copy !req
124. Gentlemen, could we
have the room please?Copy !req
125. So we can leave?
Sweet.Copy !req
126. Richard,
look out there.Copy !req
127. There's Optimoji
and Sliceline t-shirts
left and right.Copy !req
128. These are conquered soldiers
still in their old uniforms.Copy !req
129. But we need everyone here
to be Pied Pipers.Copy !req
130. I mean, you're asking themCopy !req
131. to spend the primes
of their lives on your vision.Copy !req
132. Right? And you need
to go out there
and lead them.Copy !req
133. They're— they're yearning
for inspiration.Copy !req
134. I can't do inspiration.Copy !req
135. I'm a coder.Copy !req
136. Look there,
the new Internet.Copy !req
137. That's inspiration.
Use that.Copy !req
138. Richard, this is all an idea.Copy !req
139. And people don't
wanna follow an idea,Copy !req
140. they wanna follow a leader.Copy !req
141. Look at the last guy
to create a new Internet.Copy !req
142. Al Gore.Copy !req
143. His ideas were excellent,Copy !req
144. but he talked like a
narcoleptic plantation owner,Copy !req
145. so he lost the presidency
to a fake cowboyCopy !req
146. and now he makes
apocalypse porn.Copy !req
147. Look, the point is,
you need to lead
with passion.Copy !req
148. When you set your mind to it,Copy !req
149. you're one of the most
charismatic people
I've ever met.Copy !req
150. And I have met Ira Glass.Copy !req
151. I know it's three days
we could be working,Copy !req
152. but ultimately, a unified team
will save us time in the end.Copy !req
153. You wanna save time?Copy !req
154. If you wanna save time,
here's what you do.Copy !req
155. You said it yourself,
okay, the Optimoji guysCopy !req
156. and the Sliceline guys
are separate,Copy !req
157. with their own
separate histories,Copy !req
158. their own separate
shorthands,Copy !req
159. so let's use that.Copy !req
160. Let's give the scheduler
to the Optimoji guys,Copy !req
161. and the server-less runtime
to the Sliceline guys.Copy !req
162. Then we have Dinesh
and Gilfoyle and the Stallions,
they do the integration.Copy !req
163. Boom, we're off and running.
How about that?Copy !req
164. That way,
no one has to shit
or burp or pukeCopy !req
165. or get a nosebleed
in front of anyone.Copy !req
166. As for the bezel design,
our young aesthete, Dang,Copy !req
167. has once again spun gold.Copy !req
168. Let's see it.Copy !req
169. Wait, my signature's not on it?Copy !req
170. How could it be
the Gavin Belson
Signature Box IIICopy !req
171. without Gavin Belson's
signature on it?Copy !req
172. Well, the word "signature"
has a handwritten feel to it.Copy !req
173. Why is my signature
not on this?Copy !req
174. Gavin, there was
a slight issue with
your signature.Copy !req
175. What issue?Copy !req
176. Do you have a mock
Pull it up.Copy !req
177. Ah, yes! There.Copy !req
178. What's wrong with that?Copy !req
179. Well, reactions to this
from our testing groups
were mixed,Copy !req
180. so we contacted
a handwriting expert.Copy !req
181. And, uh, well...Copy !req
182. Jean, do you
have the report?Copy !req
183. Absolutely.Copy !req
184. Pleasure to be
on your team, Gavin.
Here it is.Copy !req
185. "The signature
displayed troubling traits.Copy !req
186. "Left of upright slant,Copy !req
187. "narrow angles,
tense strokes,Copy !req
188. conclusively indicative
of sociopathic tendencies."Copy !req
189. What?
"Characterized byCopy !req
190. "a lack of empathy
and need to dominate,Copy !req
191. "a willingness to hurt others
to achieve one's goals.Copy !req
192. Inability to accept bad news—"Copy !req
193. Hoover?
Sir?Copy !req
194. Get this horrible women
the fuck out of my office, now.Copy !req
195. What the fuck is that?Copy !req
196. It's the cheapest thing
I could findCopy !req
197. that qualified
as an electric vehicle.Copy !req
198. I found it on Craigslist.Copy !req
199. Now you get to park
on the fifth floor.Copy !req
200. Enjoy the drive.Copy !req
201. Oh, and you were right...Copy !req
202. it does feel good to be
a part of the green revolution.Copy !req
203. Oh, yeah?
Well, does that "vehicle"
have "Insane Mode"?Copy !req
204. One press of a buttonCopy !req
205. and I go zero to 60
in 3.2...Copy !req
206. What a day.Copy !req
207. See, we'd still be
finishing up orientation,Copy !req
208. singing Kumbayas
and doing trust falls.Copy !req
209. But instead,Copy !req
210. both our Optimoji
and Sliceline teamsCopy !req
211. have gone through
their first code review.Copy !req
212. Well, to be fair, I never
would've scheduled trust falls.Copy !req
213. I mean, you do
one of those, you're so
jacked up on adrenaline,Copy !req
214. the rest of the day
is basically shot.Copy !req
215. We were gonna have
a noncompetitive
talent show with no losers.Copy !req
216. Not possible.Copy !req
217. Dick, I just got in
and checked the commits.Copy !req
218. Are you aware
that the Sliceline guysCopy !req
219. have been encoding time
in nanoseconds,Copy !req
220. as we usually do,Copy !req
221. but the Optimoji guys
have been using milliseconds?Copy !req
222. What?Copy !req
223. Just the fact that
we're still calling themCopy !req
224. Sliceline guys
and Optimoji guysCopy !req
225. is sending up
all sorts of red flags.Copy !req
226. And I don't even
mean the word "guys,"Copy !req
227. which I just learned
is a micro-aggression.Copy !req
228. It's fine, "guys."Copy !req
229. I will get them
to re-factor their code.Copy !req
230. We're still ahead
of where we'd beCopy !req
231. if we were doing
some kind of talent show.Copy !req
232. Richard? Gilfoyle parked
his electric pile of trashCopy !req
233. in my Tesla's spot.Copy !req
234. Do you think that's fair?Copy !req
235. Not now, Dinesh.Copy !req
236. Why can't you guys
switch to milliseconds?Copy !req
237. Why do we have to change?Copy !req
238. Sorry, well, our entire
code base uses nanoseconds.Copy !req
239. And you didn't think
it was important
to tell us this?Copy !req
240. No, well, I mean, it was—Copy !req
241. it was part
of the orientation
that was scheduled,Copy !req
242. which had to be,Copy !req
243. for numerous reasons,
uh, canceled.Copy !req
244. And I'm sorry about that,
I know it sucks.Copy !req
245. If I could make it
suck less, I would, but—Copy !req
246. You could get some
decent coffee in here.Copy !req
247. What? What's wrong with...Copy !req
248. Philz Coffee?
That's high-end joe, bro.Copy !req
249. At Optimoji,
we had Stumptown
brought in every day.Copy !req
250. So that would inspire you?
Different coffee?Copy !req
251. Inspire us?Copy !req
252. You know what?
Bup, bup, bup!Copy !req
253. Stumptown it is.
You got it.Copy !req
254. And you'll tell your guys
about the nanoseconds?Copy !req
255. Yeah.
Unless you wannaCopy !req
256. get up in front of everyone
and announce it yourself.Copy !req
257. No, no, no,
I'd rather you—Copy !req
258. That was a joke.Copy !req
259. Your speech was a disaster.Copy !req
260. Oh.
Yeah.Copy !req
261. You know. Yeah.Copy !req
262. It was really bad.Copy !req
263. I know.Copy !req
264. Okay, Mr. Jian, you have
petitioned this courtCopy !req
265. to become the sole executorCopy !req
266. of the estate of Erlich Bachman,
is that correct?Copy !req
267. Yes.Copy !req
268. I see you've got
all the paperwork, here.Copy !req
269. Yes. Errich Bachman
is dead.Copy !req
270. Oh! Um...Copy !req
271. Mr. Jian, there's
absolutely no needCopy !req
272. to display
the deceased remains.Copy !req
273. You can put that away.Copy !req
274. I have it.
Yes.Copy !req
275. Please put it down.Copy !req
276. Errich Bachman
is cremated...Copy !req
277. into ashes.Copy !req
278. And I put it in bucket.Copy !req
279. Put it down, sir.Copy !req
280. Now, have you determinedCopy !req
281. to a reasonable
degree of certaintyCopy !req
282. that Mr. Bachman has
no living next of kin?Copy !req
283. No wife,
children, parents,Copy !req
284. no brothers, sisters,Copy !req
285. nieces, nephews,
grandparents,Copy !req
286. children from
a predeceased spouseCopy !req
287. or domestic partnership?Copy !req
288. No.Copy !req
289. He died alone.Copy !req
290. He's a very sad man.Copy !req
291. So, I have a...Copy !req
292. a house
and a 10% Pied Piper.Copy !req
293. In the absence
of any next of kin,Copy !req
294. I will approve you
as the sole beneficiaryCopy !req
295. and the official executor
of Mr. Bachman's estate.Copy !req
296. But, before you can distribute
any of his assetsCopy !req
297. into your personal possession,Copy !req
298. you are required
to settle all claims
against the estate.Copy !req
299. Do you understand?Copy !req
300. So I get a house
and a 10% Pied Piper?Copy !req
301. You need to pay all
of his outstanding bills.Copy !req
302. How much do I have to pay?Copy !req
303. Well, these debts can
sometimes be substantial.Copy !req
304. Would you
characterize Mr. BachmanCopy !req
305. as a financially
responsible man?Copy !req
306. Hey, Sliceline guys,
what's up? Heh.Copy !req
307. So...Copy !req
308. wanted to talk to
you guys about something.Copy !req
309. Past couple days,Copy !req
310. the Optimoji guys have really
stepped up their game,Copy !req
311. but, um, you guys...Copy !req
312. have kind of been flagging.Copy !req
313. I'm just wondering if
everything's all right.Copy !req
314. Yeah. Great.Copy !req
315. Just nice to know
where we stand.Copy !req
316. Sorry?
We get it.Copy !req
317. You only acquired Sliceline
because you wanted Optimoji.Copy !req
318. WhatCopy !req
319. No, wrong.Copy !req
320. Uh, why would you say that?Copy !req
321. I didn't. You did,Copy !req
322. when you chose
their coffee over ours.Copy !req
323. It's bad enough
we can't have Slice here.Copy !req
324. Slice?Copy !req
325. The beverage?Copy !req
326. No, no. Slice was our mascot.Copy !req
327. He's really smart.Copy !req
328. Okay, well...Copy !req
329. Bring the little guy in.Copy !req
330. What about the no dog policy?Copy !req
331. What no dog policy, huh?Copy !req
332. Really? Are you sure you don't
need to check with Optimoji?Copy !req
333. I'm pretty sure,
but, uh...Copy !req
334. DannyCopy !req
335. Uh, I just was wonderingCopy !req
336. if you're cool
if the Sliceline guysCopy !req
337. brought in their dog.
He's really smart.Copy !req
338. Well at Optimoji,
we had a no dog policy.Copy !req
339. Come on.
Don't be such a dork.Copy !req
340. Let 'em have it.
It's just a dog.Copy !req
341. Sure. Fine.Copy !req
342. You're the CEO.Copy !req
343. Yes, I am.Copy !req
344. All right.Copy !req
345. And from this point on,Copy !req
346. CEO stands for
Canine Endorsement...Copy !req
347. Oh... yeah.Copy !req
348. All right.Copy !req
349. Hey, look at you
and your 10-speed.Copy !req
350. Aw, you got up early
'cause you thought
you could take my space.Copy !req
351. That's cute.Copy !req
352. Almost as cute as your bike.Copy !req
353. Yeah, I guess
this is a bike, isn't it?Copy !req
354. So I get to use the bike lane.Copy !req
355. See you later.Copy !req
356. No, bikes still have
to follow traffic laws!Copy !req
357. That's not fair!Copy !req
358. All right.
You wanna get insane?Copy !req
359. Let's get insane.Copy !req
360. Whoa!Copy !req
361. Fuck you, Gilfoyle!Copy !req
362. Something's wrong
with your frunk.Copy !req
363. It's all frucked up.Copy !req
364. Hey, Tesla!Copy !req
365. You know where Pied Piper is?Copy !req
366. Right here, guys.Copy !req
367. What the fuck?Copy !req
368. Dick?Copy !req
369. Hey, uh...Copy !req
370. Explain.
Okay, uh...Copy !req
371. So, Optimoji had
a no dog policyCopy !req
372. and apparently that's because
every single one of 'emCopy !req
373. have a fucking dog.Copy !req
374. And when we waived our
no dog policy...Copy !req
375. You waived our no dog policy?Copy !req
376. I had Jared put that in there
for a reason, Richard!Copy !req
377. In Pakistan,
dogs are not pets, okay?Copy !req
378. They're vicious beastsCopy !req
379. and they chase you
down the streetCopy !req
380. and they bite you.Copy !req
381. My cousin Eftahar
lost an ear.Copy !req
382. Our mayor was
very corrupt.Copy !req
383. But he put poison pills
in chicken meatCopy !req
384. to take care
of the dog problem.Copy !req
385. We hailed him as a hero.Copy !req
386. We put up statues
of him everywhere.Copy !req
387. He's gonna be okay.Copy !req
388. Who's gonna be okay?Copy !req
389. WhatCopy !req
390. He's violently
allergic to dogs.Copy !req
391. It's another reason for our
iron-clad no dog policy.Copy !req
392. Jared, when were you planning
on telling me all of this?Copy !req
393. Day two of orientation.Copy !req
394. Right after safe space charades.Copy !req
395. So look, we'll pay for
your entire medical bill,
obviously.Copy !req
396. So, you're good.Copy !req
397. You're covering
his deductible?Copy !req
398. Then you have
to cover ours, right?Copy !req
399. And what about the dogs?
They're people, too.Copy !req
400. They're literally not.Copy !req
401. They're dogs!Copy !req
402. Hold strong.Copy !req
403. Fuck you!Copy !req
404. Oh.
So...Copy !req
405. Jared, uh, you wanted me
to unite the teams and I have.Copy !req
406. They are united against me.Copy !req
407. Even the dogs,
apparently.Copy !req
408. I wish they had
your fecal fortitude.Copy !req
409. Hey, do me a favor and...Copy !req
410. just take care of all the dogs.Copy !req
411. And then call an all-hands.Copy !req
412. I've clearly gotta
say words.Copy !req
413. Ooh, okay.Copy !req
414. Really didn't wanna
be back up here, again.Copy !req
415. And I think we all
remember why, you know?Copy !req
416. But you probably
don't know this,
but I almost sh—Copy !req
417. They don't need to...Copy !req
418. Farted. Yeah.Copy !req
419. Which would be embarrassing.Copy !req
420. Anyway, look, uh...Copy !req
421. I know I...Copy !req
422. should be the inspiration
for you guys,Copy !req
423. but to be honest,
that's not really who I am.Copy !req
424. And if this company
lives or diesCopy !req
425. by all the flowery
things I say,Copy !req
426. well then, to be honest,
we're fucked. Ha.Copy !req
427. They say that...Copy !req
428. people don't follow ideas.Copy !req
429. But I think in this case,
you guys should.Copy !req
430. Because...Copy !req
431. the idea of creating
a new Internet,Copy !req
432. that's special.Copy !req
433. Right? And we've been
given the opportunityCopy !req
434. to rewrite...Copy !req
435. the most important thing
in human history.Copy !req
436. And we can build itCopy !req
437. the way it should've
been made all along.Copy !req
438. You know, not this
shitty, addictive parasiteCopy !req
439. that companies like
Hooli use to spy on usCopy !req
440. and exploit us.Copy !req
441. Okay?Copy !req
442. There.
That's your inspiration.Copy !req
443. Not me.Copy !req
444. Not coffee. Not dogs. So...Copy !req
445. if I'm not inspirational
enough for you,Copy !req
446. and if you don't
wanna be here,Copy !req
447. well, then,
there's the door.Copy !req
448. And we'll give you
enough severanceCopy !req
449. to cover you to your next job.Copy !req
450. But if you wanna stick around
and build this thing,Copy !req
451. then we've got work to do.Copy !req
452. Great job.Copy !req
453. So what's going on?
I hear footsteps.Copy !req
454. Are— are people
sitting back down, or...?Copy !req
455. Okay, they're picking
up their bags.Copy !req
456. That could be good.Copy !req
457. Okay. So, what,
they're leaving, or...?Copy !req
458. A few are.Copy !req
459. Okay, what's a few?Copy !req
460. It's more than a few.Copy !req
461. What's that mean?
Like, what's more
than a few, five?Copy !req
462. Double digits?Copy !req
463. It might be easier to say
how many are staying.Copy !req
464. It's, uh...Copy !req
465. It's two.Copy !req
466. What?Copy !req
467. Okay.Copy !req
468. So, uh,Copy !req
469. Richard, what—
what do you wanna do here?Copy !req
470. What are you talking about?
I'm doing it.Copy !req
471. Sorry?
I'm a coder, Jared.Copy !req
472. So I'm gonna code.Copy !req
473. And if I have to build my entire
new fucking internet by myself,Copy !req
474. I'll do that, so...Copy !req
475. Oh, dear.Copy !req
476. I like it.Copy !req
477. It's just so edgy.Copy !req
478. Banksy is a very
edgy artist.Copy !req
479. The edgiest.Copy !req
480. What is this?Copy !req
481. Banksy is insisting
his signature be
on his work.Copy !req
482. This is supposed
to be my signature.Copy !req
483. On what planet
does a signature
have a signature on it?Copy !req
484. I'm afraid it's
non-negotiable.Copy !req
485. The fucking balls
on this egomaniac.Copy !req
486. You know what?
Fuck Banksy.Copy !req
487. We're on a campus
full of literally thousandsCopy !req
488. of the greatest
creative minds in the world.Copy !req
489. Let's just crowd source it
with our employees.
We'll make it a contest.Copy !req
490. People will feel empowered
and part of the team.Copy !req
491. And it won't cost us shit.Copy !req
492. You see? This is what
a benevolent leader does.Copy !req
493. Make it happen.Copy !req
494. Sir, is this a good time?Copy !req
495. It's a great time.
I just fired Banksy.Copy !req
496. Banksy, the vandal?Copy !req
497. The very one. Now,
what do you have for me?Copy !req
498. Good news.Copy !req
499. I'm hearing that Pied Piper
is in a free-fall.Copy !req
500. From whom?
All I can say
without implicating youCopy !req
501. is that I've instituted
an operationCopy !req
502. to safeguard our interests.Copy !req
503. I'm calling it
"Project Washburn."Copy !req
504. What I'm planning to—Copy !req
505. Hoover, you're
implicating me.Copy !req
506. Are we bad people
for leaving Richard there
to work by himself?Copy !req
507. We've been coding
for 48 hours straight.Copy !req
508. I could give a shit about
deontological ethics.Copy !req
509. Yang.Copy !req
510. There better not be
a Chinaman in my bed.Copy !req
511. That is racist.Copy !req
512. Yes.Copy !req
513. I am racist.Copy !req
514. Stupid Errich.Copy !req
515. Big mortgage.Copy !req
516. Seven credit cards.Copy !req
517. Not even one with miles.Copy !req
518. Fucking loser.Copy !req
519. It almost not worth
to take his house from him.Copy !req
520. Fat fuck.Copy !req
521. Speaking of crazy bills,Copy !req
522. you know how much
it's going to cost
to fix my Tesla?Copy !req
523. $17,000.Copy !req
524. I can't afford to pay that.Copy !req
525. But I can't afford
not to pay it.Copy !req
526. If I don't fix my Tesla,Copy !req
527. Gilfoyle wins.Copy !req
528. And I need to really
shove it up his ass.Copy !req
529. Wait.Copy !req
530. Do I really hate
someone so muchCopy !req
531. that defeating them
is worth more than money?Copy !req
532. Is that really
what I've become?Copy !req
533. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
534. I'm gonna pay it.Copy !req
535. Thanks, Jian-Yang.Copy !req
536. I'll pay, too.Copy !req
537. Fuck you, Errich.Copy !req
538. You can't just
leave your bike-carCopy !req
539. in my Tesla's spot
and Uber home.Copy !req
540. That's not fair, Gilfoyle.Copy !req
541. Mmm, you don't seem
to understand.Copy !req
542. It's my spot now.Copy !req
543. What are they doing back?Copy !req
544. Hey. Where have you been?Copy !req
545. Sleeping.Copy !req
546. WhatCopy !req
547. We assumed you guys
were right behind us.
What's happening?Copy !req
548. Oh!Copy !req
549. Something.Copy !req
550. Something is happening.Copy !req
551. When you left,
I thought he was fried.Copy !req
552. Okay? Because his shoulders
were all tight,Copy !req
553. and he wouldn't answer
to his name,Copy !req
554. and his eyes went dead,Copy !req
555. like when I tell him
I love him.Copy !req
556. But then, he just got strongerCopy !req
557. and he started
picking up speed,Copy !req
558. so I texted a few
of the Sliceline guysCopy !req
559. and then they texted
some of the Optimoji guys,Copy !req
560. and they all
wanted to see it.Copy !req
561. Richard has finished
the schedulerCopy !req
562. and is almost
ready to mergeCopy !req
563. the server-less runtime.
Look, look!Copy !req
564. He implemented
all those tasks?Copy !req
565. By himself?Copy !req
566. That was supposed to take
the whole team four days.Copy !req
567. It's amazing.
I mean, I feel—Copy !req
568. I feel like Mary Magdalene
on resurrection day.Copy !req
569. And that's not
the greatest miracle of all.Copy !req
570. Look. Look at the coders.Copy !req
571. They're all wearing
Pied Piper hoodies.Copy !req
572. He pushed another commit.Copy !req
573. What the fuck?Copy !req
574. Flawless. Right?Copy !req
575. Um, it takes a while
to read a whole commit.Copy !req
576. They've been cheering
after every commit.Copy !req
577. I mean, they haven't,
but it's—Copy !req
578. it's great.Copy !req
579. I thought I had
to shit my pants.Copy !req
580. So, I crouched.Copy !req
581. I actually vomited.Copy !req
582. Fight-or-flight reflex
kicked in and I just...Copy !req
583. Richard!Copy !req
584. Richard?Copy !req
585. Richard?Copy !req
586. Hey, buddy boy.Copy !req
587. Oh, there he is.Copy !req
588. What'sCopy !req
589. Don't flip out, okay?Copy !req
590. But you have been
in a coma for four years.Copy !req
591. What?Copy !req
592. That's correct.Copy !req
593. In fact,
I'm a robot.Copy !req
594. The real Dr. Crawford
died heroicallyCopy !req
595. in the water wars of 2020.Copy !req
596. Jokes, Richard!Copy !req
597. I'm just joking around.Copy !req
598. What, did you sell
your sense of humor?Copy !req
599. You've just been out
for about six hours.Copy !req
600. You were not even
unconscious,
really just asleep.Copy !req
601. But you did lose
a whole lot of blood.Copy !req
602. I just hope they
put the right kind back in.Copy !req
603. Wait, are you
still riffing?Copy !req
604. I don't know.Copy !req
605. Richard, here's the bad news,Copy !req
606. your arms and your torsoCopy !req
607. took the brunt of the glass.Copy !req
608. If you'd cut your face up some,Copy !req
609. we could've gotten insurance
to pay for a whole remodel.Copy !req
610. Gotta, you know...Copy !req
611. give the old schnozzle
a much-needed trim,Copy !req
612. you know
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
613. You gotta hate it
as much as everybody else.Copy !req
614. So what happened?
What were you,Copy !req
615. trying to ride one
of those hover boardsCopy !req
616. around your office
like a nincompoop?Copy !req
617. Um, no.Copy !req
618. I— I guess I just got
a little lost in the work.Copy !req
619. All right.
Hop in, Frankenstein.Copy !req
620. Let's get you out of here.Copy !req
621. Oh, uh...Copy !req
622. I think what
you're trying to say isCopy !req
623. Frankenstein's monster.Copy !req
624. What?Copy !req
625. I think you mean to call me
Frankenstein's monsterCopy !req
626. 'cause Frankenstein is the—Copy !req
627. Oh, you're one
of those guys, huh?Copy !req
628. No, I'm just—
the doctor's name
is Frankenstein—Copy !req
629. I know.
It's just an annoying thing
to point out.Copy !req
630. If you want
people to like you,Copy !req
631. just go along
with what they say
and have fun.Copy !req
632. What?Copy !req
633. Richard!Copy !req
634. You should've called.
I would've picked you up.Copy !req
635. What's everybody doing here?Copy !req
636. The fuck does it look like?Copy !req
637. We're working.Copy !req
638. Look at 'em all, Richard.Copy !req
639. I mean, sure,
a three-day orientationCopy !req
640. might've been
just as effective
and less bloody,Copy !req
641. but it wasn't you.Copy !req
642. But you found your own wayCopy !req
643. to get these men and women,
these Pipers, to follow you.Copy !req
644. You looked at these people
and you said,Copy !req
645. "I may not be
an inspiring speaker.Copy !req
646. "I may be twitchy,Copy !req
647. "and I might be strange,Copy !req
648. "and I might vomit
and I might defecate in my pantsCopy !req
649. "and I might throw
myself through a window.Copy !req
650. "But I believe in
this company so much,Copy !req
651. I'll work so hard,
I'll literally
risk my life for it."Copy !req
652. And that is the kind of leader
these people wanna follow.Copy !req
653. Because now they know
nothing is gonna stop you.Copy !req
654. All right, then.Copy !req
655. Gavin Belson's office, please?Copy !req
656. I need to talk to Hoover.
It's Jeff Washburn.Copy !req
657. Yes, thank you.Copy !req
658. This one came in third
with 46 votes.Copy !req
659. Cute. Next?Copy !req
660. This one came in second
with 374 votes.Copy !req
661. Nice, feels solid.Copy !req
662. And with 9,986 votes this,Copy !req
663. by far, was Hooli's favorite.Copy !req
664. Hmm, I like it.Copy !req
665. It's bold.Copy !req
666. Gavin B.Copy !req
667. Mr. Hoover?
You have a phone call.Copy !req
668. He said you'd know
what it was regarding.Copy !req
669. A Mr. Jeff Washburn.Copy !req
670. I am so exhausted.Copy !req
671. But the backseat of my Tesla'sCopy !req
672. really comfy though,
right, Richard?Copy !req
673. Definitely worth all
the money I'm spending on it.Copy !req
674. Good purchase.Copy !req
675. Not a mistake.Copy !req
676. Uh...Copy !req
677. my key doesn't work.Copy !req
678. Uh, let me try mine.Copy !req
679. What the fuck?Copy !req
680. Mine doesn't work either.Copy !req
681. Yang. Move.Copy !req
682. Do you have a app idea?Copy !req
683. No.Copy !req
684. Sorry. Errich is gone.Copy !req
685. This is my incubator now.Copy !req
686. What?Copy !req
687. Your things are over there.Copy !req
688. What the fuck?Copy !req
689. You just took our shit
and threw it on the lawn?Copy !req
690. Gilfoyle,Copy !req
691. you are racist.Copy !req
692. And Richard...Copy !req
693. you are ugly.Copy !req
694. The Errich administration
is over.Copy !req
695. What?
What the fuck?Copy !req
696. You can't just
kick us out, Jian-Yang.Copy !req
697. Sorry. You are victims
of a circumstance.Copy !req
698. Thank you.Copy !req
699. Jian-Yang.Copy !req
700. What the fuck?Copy !req
701. Why does the whole
neighborhood smell like bacon?Copy !req
702. Richard,
this is Dana, CEO of Quiver.Copy !req
703. - Dana's so much like yourself.Copy !req
704. You guys want to come
to my party?Copy !req
705. Okay. Bye.Copy !req
706. You don't see it?Copy !req
707. I'm Dana's COO.
You wanna grab a drink?Copy !req
708. I did not tell Dana about this.Copy !req
709. Look, Richard,
I think we should work together.Copy !req
710. Gilfoyle's ended up
saving the dayCopy !req
711. with all the Seppen
smart fridges. Totally illegal.Copy !req
712. I came here
to cut down your server bills.Copy !req
713. In exchange, I need you
to do something for me.Copy !req
714. Seppen is suing us
for ten million in damages.Copy !req