1. All right, let's do an exercise.Copy !req
2. You can build anything
in the world you want
with your compression.Copy !req
3. What's it gonna be?
Three, two, one, go.Copy !req
4. A— A new internet.Copy !req
5. What? Why?Copy !req
6. I am your lead investor.
You will respect me as such.Copy !req
7. I do not respect you
because you are fat and poor.Copy !req
8. So, you're telling me that
the perfect applicationCopy !req
9. of my algorithm belongs
to Gavin fucking Belson?Copy !req
10. We need
his patent and his funding.Copy !req
11. Eventually, this will render
every server obsolete.Copy !req
12. Holy shit.Copy !req
13. Welcome to the future, Gavin.Copy !req
14. - Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Son of a bitch!Copy !req
15. I have spoken to our top LPs
to start a new firm.Copy !req
16. Would you care to jump ship
with me?Copy !req
17. You are, after all,
my best friend.Copy !req
18. What?Copy !req
19. Gavin just fucked off
to go find himself,Copy !req
20. who knows where.Copy !req
21. - What is it?
- It's the patent.Copy !req
22. He just signed over
full ownership to me.Copy !req
23. There's a loud man here
to see you.Copy !req
24. - Kendo in the house! (CHORTLES)
- Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
25. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)Copy !req
26. Welcome home and congratulations
on getting your business back.Copy !req
27. Thank you, and I shouldCopy !req
28. congratulate you
on your breakthrough.Copy !req
29. I can help you get
where you wanna go.Copy !req
30. I'm pretty sure I know
where I wanna go,Copy !req
31. and how to get there.Copy !req
32. I shall look forward
to the fight.Copy !req
33. Jesus,
what the hell did he order?Copy !req
34. Oh... No! No, no, no, no.
Stop! Stop it, stop it.Copy !req
35. Oh my God.
(chuckles)Copy !req
36. These are
our new offices?Copy !req
37. Yeah. Well, this is
just the lobby.Copy !req
38. We're up there
on the second floor, but yup.Copy !req
39. These are so nice.Copy !req
40. (gasps)
There's a fireplace.Copy !req
41. Oh! I am a sucker
for an intuitive
kitchen layout.Copy !req
42. Follow me, right up here.
Trust me, you're gonna love it.Copy !req
43. It's hard to believe
your pathological inabilityCopy !req
44. to make a decision
finally paid off.
(laughs)Copy !req
45. (Dinesh laughs)
Wow.
Richard, well done.Copy !req
46. Dude! Look
at this place, huh?Copy !req
47. Oh, I love it.
(Dinesh laughs)Copy !req
48. So, when do
these guys move out?Copy !req
49. Oh, no, this isn't
our space.Copy !req
50. Our sublease is
straight through here.Copy !req
51. (Dinesh laughs)
Okay.Copy !req
52. I welcome you
to Pied Piper's
new home.Copy !req
53. Huh? (laughs)
(lights humming)Copy !req
54. Hoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
55. It's— it's very white.Copy !req
56. Yeah, it's minimalist,
you know?Copy !req
57. Sharp, clean lines.Copy !req
58. I was thinking about
maybe putting my desk
here in this corner.Copy !req
59. Jared, you over here, right?Copy !req
60. Dinesh, Gilfoyle,
maybe up against this wall
or over there.Copy !req
61. You know,
just take a minute,
walk around the space,Copy !req
62. see where
the mojo takes you.Copy !req
63. I mean, we've got
some good feng shui in here.Copy !req
64. Really good.
(mimics fists whooshing)Copy !req
65. Richard, the plan
was to hire 15 codersCopy !req
66. and some assistants
and— and other staff.Copy !req
67. Where exactly
would we put them?Copy !req
68. Easy. Right around here.Copy !req
69. Look, guys...
(chuckles) the priceCopy !req
70. (emphatically)
is unbelievable.Copy !req
71. I'm just happy that
we got to it when we did
before anyone else.Copy !req
72. I— I emphatically vote
that we move on this now,
if we all agree.Copy !req
73. I mean,
we do agree, right?Copy !req
74. I cannot put this
delicately, so—Copy !req
75. (shouting)
Are you fucking
kidding me, dude?Copy !req
76. You want us
to work in here?Copy !req
77. This is a fucking
black site, Richard!Copy !req
78. A black site
would actually be better,Copy !req
79. because at least
we'd be protected
by the Geneva Convention.Copy !req
80. This is fucking
with my eyes.
Can I get outta here?Copy !req
81. Okay, ha— hang on.
Richard, can I talk to youCopy !req
82. for one second,
please, privately?
Sure.Copy !req
83. Ah!
See? Plenty of outlets.Copy !req
84. (whispering)
Richard...
what are you doing?Copy !req
85. We can easily afford a place
with windows and... airCopy !req
86. where you can
maintain a connection
to time and space.Copy !req
87. (whispering)
If— if we spend all
that money, it's gone.Copy !req
88. Okay, don't you remember
Jack BarkerCopy !req
89. squandering all our runway
for those fancy officesCopy !req
90. or Russ Hanneman spending
nearly every cent we had
on fucking swag?Copy !req
91. I'm sorry, man,
we do not get another chance.Copy !req
92. This is it.Copy !req
93. There is no point whispering.Copy !req
94. We can hear
every fucking word you say
in this sweatbox.Copy !req
95. I can hear
you gulping, Richard.Copy !req
96. No, you can't.
(gulps)Copy !req
97. Richard, it is
my firm opinionCopy !req
98. that if we were
to take this space,Copy !req
99. our new hires
wouldn't be coding,Copy !req
100. they would be having
panic attacks.Copy !req
101. No, come on.
I'm doing a really good job
of hiding it,Copy !req
102. but I'm having one
right now.Copy !req
103. I gotta get
the fuck outta here.Copy !req
104. Jared, you okay?
I will not be back.Copy !req
105. Wait, guys, hold on.
Jared, I'm gonna get you
some water, okay?Copy !req
106. Okay, what about this guy,
Chris Berger?Copy !req
107. He's a very skilled engineer.Copy !req
108. He was very funny
when we met with him.
I think he'd be great.Copy !req
109. He was oddly tall,
don't you think?Copy !req
110. Yeah, pass.Copy !req
111. Alright, what about
Blake Kang?Copy !req
112. His beard hair looked
like head hair.Copy !req
113. And his head hair
looked like beard hair.Copy !req
114. Come on! It's been
a fucking month.Copy !req
115. I got us these
expensive-ass officesCopy !req
116. because you wanted them,
and now they're just
sitting here, empty,Copy !req
117. because you guys
won't agree on anyone.Copy !req
118. Look, I'm going
to be seeing
Laurie BreamCopy !req
119. at this stupid Innovation
Hall of Fame event tonight,Copy !req
120. and she's gonna ask
how hiring is going.Copy !req
121. She's 11 months pregnant
and highly irritable.Copy !req
122. What am I going
to tell her?Copy !req
123. That we've just
been dicking around
the whole time?Copy !req
124. We're not dicking around.
Really?Copy !req
125. What about this?Copy !req
126. Touché.Copy !req
127. He sent in
a professional headshot.
We had no choice.Copy !req
128. Plus his face looks
like a taint.Copy !req
129. Okay, yeah, fair.Copy !req
130. But look, I sent you
63 good people.Copy !req
131. I spared you kilt guy,
openly alt-right guy,Copy !req
132. obviously closeted
alt-right guy,Copy !req
133. and the guy
with the stupid
fucking pizza app.Copy !req
134. It was so lame,
it would somehow
make you hate pizza.Copy !req
135. You have to choose.
Dude, it's easy
for you to say.Copy !req
136. You're gonna
be off CEO'ing,
going to fancy galas.Copy !req
137. We're the ones who have
to like be in the engine room
with these clowns.Copy !req
138. They have to meet
our rigorous standards.Copy !req
139. I mean, look at the three
we've already hired.Copy !req
140. Just look at them.
There they are.Copy !req
141. Stallions.Copy !req
142. Each one more magnificent
than the last.Copy !req
143. Perfect.Copy !req
144. Yeah, they're glorious,
obviously,Copy !req
145. but that's
only three of them,Copy !req
146. and they're luxuriating here
in this huge fucking palaceCopy !req
147. that is costing us a fortune,
so hurry up and pick these
fucking coders,Copy !req
148. and stop acting like a couple
of spoiled millionaires.Copy !req
149. Alright, Richard,Copy !req
150. your tuxedo
is pressed and ready
for the gala.Copy !req
151. I put a touch of mint
in the steamer.Copy !req
152. You're gonna look
like Richard Gere
from "Pretty Woman."Copy !req
153. Maybe tonight you'll fall
for a radiant sex worker.Copy !req
154. During my sabbatical
from Hooli,Copy !req
155. I toured
the wonders of the world,
seeking inspirationCopy !req
156. from mankind's
greatest achievements—Copy !req
157. the Parthenon,
Angkor Wat,Copy !req
158. the Great Pyramid
of Giza.Copy !req
159. But it wasn't
until my flight homeCopy !req
160. that I had my epiphany.Copy !req
161. Yes, those wonders
are visited by thousands
of people every year,Copy !req
162. but 2.4 million peopleCopy !req
163. visit HooliSearch
every minute.Copy !req
164. (mutters)
God, what a fucking douchebag.Copy !req
165. (people shush)
And then it occurred to me.Copy !req
166. What I have built is
a far greater achievement,Copy !req
167. than any
of the ancient world.Copy !req
168. And the ideal version
of myselfCopy !req
169. was the man
I already was.Copy !req
170. Thank you.Copy !req
171. Richard?
Richard Hendricks.Copy !req
172. Oh. Huh? Okay.
Yeah, hi, Duncan.
Yeah.Copy !req
173. Me and my guys were
just talking about you
and your pizza app.Copy !req
174. (chuckles) Oh yeah. I bet.
Our algorithm finds youCopy !req
175. the cheapest, fastest pizza,
and it's— it's awesome.Copy !req
176. Yeah.
It's actually so awesome...
Definitely.Copy !req
177. that— oh man, I'm gonna—
I'm gonna have to pull
my resume.Copy !req
178. Oh, you're pulling your—
(clicks tongue)Copy !req
179. Oh no.
Yeah, I just don't feel
as psyched about itCopy !req
180. as I do about Sliceline.
Sliceline?Copy !req
181. That's the name
of your app?Copy !req
182. Yeah.
Oh God.
(chuckles)Copy !req
183. Great.
Yeah, it's a pun.Copy !req
184. Is it?
Yeah. It rhymes
with Priceline.Copy !req
185. Okay. Just—
so, it rhymes? Okay.
Yeah. It's a rhyming pun.Copy !req
186. Anyway, there might be
some major VCs around here,
so I gotta go mingle.Copy !req
187. Okay.
It's the— it's the worst part
of this job. Am I right?Copy !req
188. (laughs) I'm kidding.
It's the best part of the job.Copy !req
189. Okay.Copy !req
190. (mutters)
What an asshole.Copy !req
191. Richard.
Gavin, hello.Copy !req
192. Don't you look cute
in your Sunday best?Copy !req
193. How's that little
bunny Internet going?Copy !req
194. Mmm. New Internet. New.Copy !req
195. Unlike your old Internet.Copy !req
196. (chuckles)
You know, I'm glad
I ran into you, Richard.Copy !req
197. I was actually
starting to feel bad
about what I did today.Copy !req
198. Oh? And what was that?Copy !req
199. Invent the MOSFET
transistor? (chuckles)Copy !req
200. It's old technology.
It's very old, like you.Copy !req
201. No. I've heard that
you're trying to staff up.
Over the past few months,Copy !req
202. you've met with just about
every distributed systems
developer in the Valley.Copy !req
203. Okay, well, not everyone.Copy !req
204. 63 of them,
and as of 4:30 p.m.
this afternoon,Copy !req
205. I hired them,
all 63 of them.Copy !req
206. Yeah, I had to pay
through the nose,
but you know what?Copy !req
207. It makes it worth
every penny.Copy !req
208. You know what?
Enjoy the reception, Richard.Copy !req
209. You too.Copy !req
210. Yeah, he wasn't bluffing.Copy !req
211. He hired all of them.Copy !req
212. Even my boy
Blake Kang?Copy !req
213. He was a good one.Copy !req
214. I'm sorry, uh, your boy?Copy !req
215. I thought his hair
was backwards?Copy !req
216. You guys were lukewarm
on him and everybody else
for all kinds of stupid reasons.Copy !req
217. Well, now that they're
unavailable, their strengths
are more readily apparent.Copy !req
218. And I don't want
to point fingers,
but we wouldn't be hereCopy !req
219. if you hadn't let
Gilfoyle and me waste
so much time being picky.Copy !req
220. What? I was dying
to move faster.Copy !req
221. I was just respecting
your process.Copy !req
222. Our process sucks.Copy !req
223. Your inability
to stop us from suckingCopy !req
224. is a failure
of leadership.Copy !req
225. At least we still
have the stallions.Copy !req
226. Ah. Those stallions.Copy !req
227. Look at 'em.
Magnificent.Copy !req
228. Sit back down.
Just sit in your chairs.Copy !req
229. Jared, um...Copy !req
230. call alt-right guy
and cologne boy
and all the other rejects,Copy !req
231. and... set meetings.Copy !req
232. Well, I did a little digging
on the alt-right guy,Copy !req
233. and he's pretty involved
in a campaign to eliminate
black emojis,Copy !req
234. but there might
be another option.Copy !req
235. Do you remember
Kira Pickford?Copy !req
236. Yes, actually.
Yeah, good coder,
but she had her own company.Copy !req
237. Well, that's true, except
that her company, Optimoji,Copy !req
238. just lost
their second round
of funding,Copy !req
239. so they're basically
on life support.Copy !req
240. So?
So, what if, instead
of building a team,Copy !req
241. we acquired one?Copy !req
242. But Optimoji has 30 people.
We only need 12.Copy !req
243. Well, we'll just insist
that she let the other 18 go.Copy !req
244. We have a lot of leverage.
Richard is a shrewd negotiator,Copy !req
245. and I'm, you know, spirited.Copy !req
246. Look, Kira,
this is a fair offer.Copy !req
247. But... I've got
30 great guys.Copy !req
248. We're like family,
and you only wanna
bring along 12?Copy !req
249. I have to do
what's right by my guys.Copy !req
250. Look, I know what
it's like to only be able
to rescue half your family,Copy !req
251. and it's awful,
but what can you do?
Shh, shh.Copy !req
252. Sometimes
there's only one—
Jared, okay, stop.Copy !req
253. Um, look, Kira,
you're not gonna find
a better deal than that.Copy !req
254. Your company
is close to bankruptcyCopy !req
255. and we all know that there
are a lotta coders out there
in this old town,Copy !req
256. and we could go
to any of 'em,Copy !req
257. but we wanna
go to you, so...Copy !req
258. kinda feels like we've got
all the cards here, huh?Copy !req
259. Richard.
You keep following me,Copy !req
260. I'm gonna call
the cops.Copy !req
261. (chuckles)
I'm just kidding.
Oh.Copy !req
262. Hey, I'm Duncan.
Hey. Kira.Copy !req
263. Hey, guess what company
just got his Series "A"
Term Sheet? Huh?Copy !req
264. Oh, the Sliceline.
(laughs)Copy !req
265. Congrats, yeah.
Yeah, we're
staffing up like crazy.Copy !req
266. Speaking of staffing,
how about all those coders
you lost, man?Copy !req
267. I'm sorry.
That must've been
a real blow.Copy !req
268. What coders?Copy !req
269. Um, I'm sorry,
I don't mean to be rude,
but this is boring.Copy !req
270. Thank God
I didn't accept
your offer.Copy !req
271. I'd be the only guy
working for youCopy !req
272. now that Gavin Belson
swooped inCopy !req
273. and tactically mass-hired
every singleCopy !req
274. distributed systems
engineer you were looking at.Copy !req
275. Gavin hired all
of Richard's coders?Copy !req
276. Not everyone.
Not everyone.Copy !req
277. Yup. The guy is savage,Copy !req
278. and so are my guys
if they don't get
their caffeine,Copy !req
279. so nice meeting you, Kira.
Cool. Cool, cool.Copy !req
280. What were you saying
about holding all the cards?Copy !req
281. All of my coders
or none of them.Copy !req
282. Take it or leave it.Copy !req
283. What?Copy !req
284. What the fuck?Copy !req
285. Do you have—
Do you—Copy !req
286. Jian-Yang!Copy !req
287. Jian-Yang...
would you please explainCopy !req
288. why we each found
some random Chinese guy
asleep in our beds?Copy !req
289. Yes, you work all day.Copy !req
290. Your rooms are always empty,
so they use.Copy !req
291. The fuck they do.
Yes, it's not your house.Copy !req
292. This is not
your house either,
Jian-Yang.Copy !req
293. This is Erlich's house.
Do you think Erlich would
want your guys here?Copy !req
294. No. That's why I invite them,
because I hate Errich.Copy !req
295. We are not Erlich.
You are from Errich's
administration.Copy !req
296. No, we are not.
Nobody has heard
from Erlich in months.Copy !req
297. This isn't working.
I'm gonna drag your cousin
the fuck outta my lair.Copy !req
298. Jian-Yang:
No, this is my cousin.Copy !req
299. Engineers, welcome.Copy !req
300. You are 63 of the top
distributed systems developers
in the Valley,Copy !req
301. and we're looking forward
to working with you.Copy !req
302. Hooli is the future,
and your future is...Copy !req
303. the Box Two.Copy !req
304. So, are there
any questions?Copy !req
305. Yes?Copy !req
306. I'm sorry, but what
if we don't wanna
work on that?Copy !req
307. Weird. This is
our flagship product,Copy !req
308. but I'm sure we'd
all like to hear what
you would like to work on.Copy !req
309. A decentralized Internet,
like we were going to build
with Richard Hendricks.Copy !req
310. Actually, that's the one thing
we can't do here at Hooli. Yes?Copy !req
311. Sorry. You only hired us
because Pied Piper
wanted us, right?Copy !req
312. Untrue. Go on.Copy !req
313. And Pied Piper only wanted usCopy !req
314. because of our ability to help
build a decentralized Internet.Copy !req
315. Can't speak
to that. Continue.Copy !req
316. And you're telling us
that even if we want to,Copy !req
317. we can't build
a decentralized
Internet here.Copy !req
318. May I ask why not?Copy !req
319. Because Richard owns
the patent for it.Copy !req
320. Yes, third row,
red hoodie.Copy !req
321. How did he get it?
I gave it to him.Copy !req
322. You in the back?
Why did you do that?Copy !req
323. It was a Buddhist act
of selflessness.Copy !req
324. Well, I'm also a Buddhist,
and I would never
give him the patent.Copy !req
325. I mean, once he builds
that Internet,Copy !req
326. he's gonna render
Hooli's entire web-based
ecosystem completely obsolete.Copy !req
327. I mean, everything
you're doing here
is antiquated.Copy !req
328. That's not a question.
That's a statement.Copy !req
329. You know what?Copy !req
330. Fuck you guys.
I don't want you
working on my box.Copy !req
331. It's too good for you.
"Antiquated"?Copy !req
332. Why did you all
take my money then,
you entitled little pricks?Copy !req
333. You all think
you're John LennonCopy !req
334. until someone waves
a dollar in your face!Copy !req
335. You know what?
Get outta here!Copy !req
336. Go on, just wander
the campus for four years
until you vest.Copy !req
337. See what I care.Copy !req
338. I'm serious! Go! Goodbye!
Thank you very much!Copy !req
339. Assholes.
"Antiquated"?Copy !req
340. Fuck do they think they are?
I'm in the Innovation
Hall of Fame. Are they?Copy !req
341. Speaking of, they sent over
the official inductees portrait.Copy !req
342. You and your peers.
Handsome bunch.Copy !req
343. Fuck.Copy !req
344. Fuck!Copy !req
345. So, Mr. Yang—
It's Mr. Jian.Copy !req
346. In China,
last name comes first.Copy !req
347. Okay. Mr. Jian,
you say that Erlich Bachman
wrote this letter...Copy !req
348. to you?
Yes.Copy !req
349. "This is Erlich. Hello.Copy !req
350. "I am gone,
but Jian-Yang is a very good
friend and very smart.Copy !req
351. "I want him to be
the leader of the houseCopy !req
352. "and control all
of the friends.Copy !req
353. Goodbye.
Bachman Erlich."Copy !req
354. Yes. I want his house.Copy !req
355. Thank you.
Okay, I don't technically
represent Mr. Bachman.Copy !req
356. I'm Pied Piper's
corporate counsel,Copy !req
357. so my exposure to Bachman
pertains only to his 10%
ownership of the business.Copy !req
358. Errich owns 10%
of Pied Piper?Copy !req
359. This was not a lie?
Sadly, no,
that's very, very real.Copy !req
360. That's worth
a lot of money.Copy !req
361. It's promising tech.
One day it could be worth
a shit-ton.Copy !req
362. Shit-ton. Yes.Copy !req
363. Mr. Jian, you seem
like a good guy.Copy !req
364. Um, this letter is
not a legal document.Copy !req
365. I mean,
maybe a skilled attorney
could make a caseCopy !req
366. that in the absence
of an existing will,Copy !req
367. this would serve as one
in the case of Bachman's death,Copy !req
368. but as far as I can tell,
the guy is not...
Dead.Copy !req
369. Yes. Errich is dead.Copy !req
370. Do you happen to have...
a death certificateCopy !req
371. or any— any form
of proof of—
Yes.Copy !req
372. I can get it now.Copy !req
373. Our deal with Kira
is for 30 fucking coders.Copy !req
374. Where in the hell are
we gonna put them?Copy !req
375. Well, I suppose
we could put three more
workstations here,Copy !req
376. and then two more over there.Copy !req
377. It'd be crowded but cozy.Copy !req
378. They'll be
all holed up together
like the Branch Davidians.Copy !req
379. Yeah, but, I mean,
are we sure this is
the right thing to do?Copy !req
380. I mean, I don't want
to crowd the stallions.Copy !req
381. Are we sure taking on
all 30 of Kira's guys
is the right move?Copy !req
382. We can get up and running.
They all know each other,Copy !req
383. so we won't have to play
the name game.Copy !req
384. Yeah.
(phone rings)Copy !req
385. Ron, hello.
Hey, buddy.
Hang on just a second.Copy !req
386. No, the— the exit is—
the exit is the other way.Copy !req
387. God damn it.
Um, Richie, you know
a guy named "Jee-Ann"?Copy !req
388. Jan? Uh, no.
Well, I know a "Jan the Man,"
but she's a woman.Copy !req
389. Look, did you— did you talk
to the Optimoji board yet?Copy !req
390. Uh, did we close the deal?Copy !req
391. Uh, well, a deal closed.
Another bidder came in
with a better offer,Copy !req
392. so they went with them.
Richard (on phone): What?Copy !req
393. Was it Gavin
fucking Belson again?Copy !req
394. Ron (on phone):
No, it was a new company.Copy !req
395. Real smart, clever name.Copy !req
396. Sort of a pun
that rhymes.Copy !req
397. Oh, hello, dickheads.Copy !req
398. I hope I'm not
interrupting your plotting,Copy !req
399. (keyboards clacking)
you sneaky little dinks.Copy !req
400. Kira, you and I had
a deal, okay?Copy !req
401. So fuck you, fuck you,
and fuck you!Copy !req
402. (clacking stops)
What did he say?Copy !req
403. Not you.
Just e— everyone.Copy !req
404. I meant fuck all of you.
No one specific.Copy !req
405. Richard,
you low-balled me.
Mmm?Copy !req
406. Remember? Well, Duncan here
said he wanted to grow
fast as balls.Copy !req
407. He said he was psyched.
Yeah, I am psyched.Copy !req
408. I'd hire a million people
if I could.Copy !req
409. See, if I have
to sell my company,
I might as well sell itCopy !req
410. to the CEO who
actually wants all of us.Copy !req
411. It's pizza, Kira.Copy !req
412. Richard, we're just
three CEOs trying
to do right by our companies.Copy !req
413. Okay, you know what?
I'm glad you turned us down,Copy !req
414. because I don't want
to work with anyoneCopy !req
415. who wants to work
with this... meathead.Copy !req
416. I'm taking these.
I'm taking all of them.Copy !req
417. Maybe just take one.
You have like four employees.
Ha!Copy !req
418. Ah, shit.Copy !req
419. Throw it away.Copy !req
420. Patrice, I'd like
to welcome you back
to the Hooli family.Copy !req
421. It's wonderful
to be back, Gavin.Copy !req
422. Sadly, the timing
couldn't be worse.Copy !req
423. Those code-monkeys
I just hired were right
about one thing:Copy !req
424. Making Jack's box
the flagship product
of this companyCopy !req
425. will send us down a path
to technological irrelevanceCopy !req
426. from which
we will never return.Copy !req
427. But in light of the time
and resourcesCopy !req
428. we've invested
in this product,Copy !req
429. convincing the board
and our shareholdersCopy !req
430. to simply scrap it
will be nearly impossible.Copy !req
431. Our company is too big
to turn around that quickly.Copy !req
432. Gavin, what if you launched
a new product to help us
correct course?Copy !req
433. Absolutely. Look at all
the products you've brought
to market over the years.Copy !req
434. Hmm. True.Copy !req
435. I did invent the HooliPod
and the HooliPad
and the HooliPad Pro,Copy !req
436. but a man only has
so many game-changing
inventions in him.Copy !req
437. And technically,
all the products he just
named were money-losers.Copy !req
438. I mean, you could argue
we'd have been better offCopy !req
439. if he'd never invented
any of that stuff.Copy !req
440. Hoover.
Sir.Copy !req
441. Patrice, can I talk
to you outside
for a second?Copy !req
442. Anyway, if Jack Barker's
insidious box is allowed
to go to market,Copy !req
443. we may all lose our jobs.Copy !req
444. We may all go
the way of Patrice.Copy !req
445. But we must fight it.
We cannot sacrificeCopy !req
446. our long-term wellbeing
in the interest of paltry,
short-term profits.Copy !req
447. Well, they're
not paltry, exactly.Copy !req
448. Did you not see
the preorder figures
for the Box Two?Copy !req
449. They came in
this morning.Copy !req
450. Holy shit.Copy !req
451. Are these right?
How many quarters is this?Copy !req
452. Just one.
The Box Two will be by farCopy !req
453. the most lucrative new product
we've ever released.Copy !req
454. Fucking Sliceline.Copy !req
455. Plus his fancy,
hi-tech pizza tastes
just like Domino's.Copy !req
456. There's a reason for that.
Check out the liner.Copy !req
457. Oh yeah.
I guess that's Domino's.Copy !req
458. We never had pizza
'cause my step-mom saidCopy !req
459. Italians aren't
real white people.Copy !req
460. Hold on. Duncan doesn't
even make his own pizza?Copy !req
461. He just orders it
from Domino'sCopy !req
462. and switches the boxes?Copy !req
463. (scoffs)
He really is sneaky.Copy !req
464. It's not sneaky.
It's stupid.Copy !req
465. Switching boxes costs
a lot of money.Copy !req
466. Okay. How do you know?Copy !req
467. I need to prove
Errich's dead,Copy !req
468. so I want to ship
a dead body from China,Copy !req
469. but it's hard to find
a white body in China,Copy !req
470. especially fat
like Errich,Copy !req
471. so I buy a fat,
white cadaverCopy !req
472. from Cincinnati
medical school.Copy !req
473. But to ship to China,
then switch box,Copy !req
474. then ship back,
it's way too much money.Copy !req
475. Say that again.Copy !req
476. Like, not one word
of that made sense.Copy !req
477. Hold on. Just— ju—
what— uh...Copy !req
478. does anyone—
does anyone know
the price of a Domino's pizza?Copy !req
479. A large, 10 bucks.Copy !req
480. Okay, well,
Sliceline sells
theirs for nine.Copy !req
481. So?
(emphatically)
So, we're not fucked yet.Copy !req
482. That was
kinda crazy, Richard.
That was—Copy !req
483. (laughs)
I mean, you threw
a full-on tantrum.Copy !req
484. I know, I know.
I am so sorry.Copy !req
485. It's just— I guess
I'm just a CEO trying
to do right by my company.Copy !req
486. Like you guys.
(phone beeps)Copy !req
487. Speaking of business,
wow, we're having a hell
of a night.Copy !req
488. Yeah, well, I would know.Copy !req
489. About 500 of those orders
tonight are me.Copy !req
490. Oh. Richard,
you really didn't
have to do that.Copy !req
491. But the peace offering
is super appreciated.Copy !req
492. Yeah, well,
I wouldn't really call it
a peace offering.Copy !req
493. You see, Duncan,
you took eight mil
in funding, right?Copy !req
494. And then you matched
my offer to acquire
Optimoji here from Kira,Copy !req
495. but the thing is,
you can't sell your pizzasCopy !req
496. for nine bucks a pop
without taking a bath,
can you?Copy !req
497. The reboxing,
the double delivery, ugh.Copy !req
498. You lose, what,
four bucks an order?Copy !req
499. (chuckles)
Five, actually.Copy !req
500. We're losing
five bucks a pizza?
Yeah.Copy !req
501. Only temporarily.
So, her team is
gonna optimizeCopy !req
502. our order routing
and allocation, and then
we'll be cash-flow positive.Copy !req
503. We can easily
turn it aroundCopy !req
504. before we run out
of money.
Right.Copy !req
505. Yeah.
Unless a lot of peopleCopy !req
506. buy your pizza
very quickly.Copy !req
507. What are—
what are you doing?Copy !req
508. Well, Duncan,
I can be a dickhead too.Copy !req
509. You see, I have $13 million
in my bank accountCopy !req
510. and a very low payroll,
which affords me to buy
a lot of tasty 'zaCopy !req
511. before you can
turn it around.Copy !req
512. You're trying
to bankrupt us?Copy !req
513. No, Kira. I'm simply trying
to devalue your company,Copy !req
514. so that I can make
a low-ball acquisition offerCopy !req
515. which you cannot refuse.Copy !req
516. Richard, I'm just gonna
delete your account.Copy !req
517. You see, my engineers
already thought of that,Copy !req
518. and they worked up
a little botnet program.Copy !req
519. Thousands of fake users
indistinguishable
from real onesCopy !req
520. geolocated perfectly
to maximize drive timeCopy !req
521. and bleed
your little greasebag
operation dry.Copy !req
522. You know,
I may not have
that many coders,Copy !req
523. but the ones I do
are stallions,Copy !req
524. each one more magnificent
than the last.Copy !req
525. You spent
$19,000 on pizza?Copy !req
526. No, $19,000 on vengeance.Copy !req
527. You're acquiring Sliceline
who already acquired Optimoji?Copy !req
528. Richard, you're talking
about absorbing a staff of 50.Copy !req
529. How are you gonna
spin this to Laurie?Copy !req
530. Well, you said
you'd protect me
from Laurie.Copy !req
531. I mean, she's your partner.
Are you afraid of her?Copy !req
532. Of course
I'm afraid of her.Copy !req
533. The woman got pregnant
just to prove to meCopy !req
534. that she could do it
without missing
a day of work.Copy !req
535. Okay, fair enough,
but maybe this one time
you could take my side.Copy !req
536. I cannot take your side.
You're asking
for 50 employees.Copy !req
537. Think of the—
Sorry I am late.Copy !req
538. Hey, Laurie.
Did you, uh—Copy !req
539. Induce?
Yes, this morning...Copy !req
540. and here I am.Copy !req
541. So, Richard,Copy !req
542. I received your email.Copy !req
543. I understand you wish
to acquire a company
called... Sliceline,Copy !req
544. which themselves
recently acquired
a company called Optimoji.Copy !req
545. Yes, and I will be firing
both companies' CEOsCopy !req
546. and taking on
a total engineering team
of about, uh, 50.Copy !req
547. Fifty?Copy !req
548. Monica, you are
okay with this?Copy !req
549. Well, it shortens
their runway significantly,Copy !req
550. but you did say
that you want them
to grow, Laurie.Copy !req
551. Yes, but in this case
it seems...Copy !req
552. (sighs)
reckless.Copy !req
553. However, if you are
on top of it,Copy !req
554. Monica, then...Copy !req
555. approved.Copy !req
556. Congratulations.Copy !req
557. Great. Thanks.
And congratulations
to you too.Copy !req
558. On?Copy !req
559. On the— on your—
on your baby.Copy !req
560. Oh.Copy !req
561. This is awesome.
Gavin is essentially
doubling-downCopy !req
562. on the very thing
we are destroying.Copy !req
563. It's like he's giving up.Copy !req
564. Maybe I should've ordered
the nicer Tesla.Copy !req
565. Ah.Copy !req
566. Oh gosh.
Everyone's here.Copy !req
567. Richard.
So many people.Copy !req
568. Richard.Copy !req
569. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
570. I thought you'd want to give
some opening remarks,Copy !req
571. you know, it being
the first day and all,Copy !req
572. just to set the tone.Copy !req
573. Ladies and gentlemen,
Richard Hendricks!Copy !req
574. (gulps)
Um...Copy !req
575. (gulps) Um...Copy !req
576. (stammers)
Well, it's great
to have everybodyCopy !req
577. and... so many... f— faces.Copy !req
578. We've got a lot of...
men and women here.Copy !req
579. And...Copy !req
580. we should remember that.Copy !req
581. So, let's keep it clean.Copy !req
582. (gulps)
Um...Copy !req
583. it's always a challenge...Copy !req
584. (gulps)
to get it—Copy !req
585. I've got—
I should probably—
more to say in a minute.Copy !req
586. I just have to go, one—
one second, in my office...Copy !req
587. (gulps)
and then we'll conclude.Copy !req
588. Uh, he just needs
a second in his office,
then he's gonna come back.Copy !req
589. Oh God.Copy !req
590. Don't tell anyone, okay?
(spits)Copy !req
591. Um, Richard, I know—
I know money's tight,Copy !req
592. but I think I might invest
in a modesty panel
for your desk.Copy !req
593. What?Copy !req
594. You have petitioned
to become the sole executorCopy !req
595. of the estate of Erlich Bachman.Copy !req
596. Erlich Bachman is dead.Copy !req
597. Oh!Copy !req
598. The Optimoji guys
and the Sliceline guys,Copy !req
599. they are united against me.Copy !req
600. Good news. I'm hearing
that Pied Piper is in freefall.Copy !req
601. If I have to build my
entire new internet by myself,Copy !req
602. I'll do that.Copy !req
603. You have been in a coma
for four years.Copy !req
604. - What?
- In fact,Copy !req
605. I'm a robot.Copy !req
606. I'm just joking around!Copy !req
607. What, did you sell
your sense of humor?Copy !req
608. - (LAUGHS) Come on!
- (CHUCKLES) No.Copy !req