1. All right, let's do an exercise.Copy !req
2. You can build anything
in the world you want
with your compression.Copy !req
3. What's it gonna be?
Three, two, one, go.Copy !req
4. A— A new internet.Copy !req
5. WhatCopy !req
6. I am your lead investor.
You will respect me as such.Copy !req
7. I do not respect you
because you are fat and poor.Copy !req
8. So, you're telling me that
the perfect applicationCopy !req
9. of my algorithm belongs
to Gavin fucking Belson?Copy !req
10. We need
his patent and his funding.Copy !req
11. Eventually, this will render
every server obsolete.Copy !req
12. Holy shit.Copy !req
13. Welcome to the future, Gavin.Copy !req
14. - Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Son of a bitch!Copy !req
15. I have spoken to our top LPs
to start a new firm.Copy !req
16. Would you care to jump ship
with me?Copy !req
17. You are, after all,
my best friend.Copy !req
18. What?Copy !req
19. Gavin just fucked off
to go find himself,Copy !req
20. who knows where.Copy !req
21. - It's the patent.Copy !req
22. He just signed over
full ownership to me.Copy !req
23. There's a loud man here
to see you.Copy !req
24. Welcome home and congratulations
on getting your business back.Copy !req
25. Thank you, and I shouldCopy !req
26. congratulate you
on your breakthrough.Copy !req
27. I can help you get
where you wanna go.Copy !req
28. I'm pretty sure I know
where I wanna go,Copy !req
29. and how to get there.Copy !req
30. I shall look forward
to the fight.Copy !req
31. Jesus,
what the hell did he order?Copy !req
32. Oh... No! No, no, no, no.
Stop! Stop it, stop it.Copy !req
33. Oh my God.Copy !req
34. These are
our new offices?Copy !req
35. Yeah. Well, this is
just the lobby.Copy !req
36. We're up there
on the second floor, but yup.Copy !req
37. These are so nice.Copy !req
38. There's a fireplace.Copy !req
39. Oh! I am a sucker
for an intuitive
kitchen layout.Copy !req
40. Follow me, right up here.
Trust me, you're gonna love it.Copy !req
41. It's hard to believe
your pathological inabilityCopy !req
42. to make a decision
finally paid off.Copy !req
43. Wow.
Richard, well done.Copy !req
44. Dude! Look
at this place, huh?Copy !req
45. Oh, I love it.Copy !req
46. So, when do
these guys move out?Copy !req
47. Oh, no, this isn't
our space.Copy !req
48. Our sublease is
straight through here.Copy !req
49. Okay.Copy !req
50. I welcome you
to Pied Piper's
new home.Copy !req
51. HuhCopy !req
52. Hoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
53. It's— it's very white.Copy !req
54. Yeah, it's minimalist,
you know?Copy !req
55. Sharp, clean lines.Copy !req
56. I was thinking about
maybe putting my desk
here in this corner.Copy !req
57. Jared, you over here, right?Copy !req
58. Dinesh, Gilfoyle,
maybe up against this wall
or over there.Copy !req
59. You know,
just take a minute,
walk around the space,Copy !req
60. see where
the mojo takes you.Copy !req
61. I mean, we've got
some good feng shui in here.Copy !req
62. Really good.Copy !req
63. Richard, the plan
was to hire 15 codersCopy !req
64. and some assistants
and— and other staff.Copy !req
65. Where exactly
would we put them?Copy !req
66. Easy. Right around here.Copy !req
67. Look, guys...
the priceCopy !req
68. is unbelievable.Copy !req
69. I'm just happy that
we got to it when we did
before anyone else.Copy !req
70. I— I emphatically vote
that we move on this now,
if we all agree.Copy !req
71. I mean,
we do agree, right?Copy !req
72. I cannot put this
delicately, so—Copy !req
73. Are you fucking
kidding me, dude?Copy !req
74. You want us
to work in here?Copy !req
75. This is a fucking
black site, Richard!Copy !req
76. A black site
would actually be better,Copy !req
77. because at least
we'd be protected
by the Geneva Convention.Copy !req
78. This is fucking
with my eyes.
Can I get outta here?Copy !req
79. Okay, ha— hang on.
Richard, can I talk to youCopy !req
80. for one second,
please, privately?
Sure.Copy !req
81. Ah!
See? Plenty of outlets.Copy !req
82. Richard...
what are you doing?Copy !req
83. We can easily afford a place
with windows and... airCopy !req
84. where you can
maintain a connection
to time and space.Copy !req
85. If— if we spend all
that money, it's gone.Copy !req
86. Okay, don't you remember
Jack BarkerCopy !req
87. squandering all our runway
for those fancy officesCopy !req
88. or Russ Hanneman spending
nearly every cent we had
on fucking swag?Copy !req
89. I'm sorry, man,
we do not get another chance.Copy !req
90. This is it.Copy !req
91. There is no point whispering.Copy !req
92. We can hear
every fucking word you say
in this sweatbox.Copy !req
93. I can hear
you gulping, Richard.Copy !req
94. No, you can't.Copy !req
95. Richard, it is
my firm opinionCopy !req
96. that if we were
to take this space,Copy !req
97. our new hires
wouldn't be coding,Copy !req
98. they would be having
panic attacks.Copy !req
99. No, come on.
I'm doing a really good job
of hiding it,Copy !req
100. but I'm having one
right now.Copy !req
101. I gotta get
the fuck outta here.Copy !req
102. Jared, you okay?
I will not be back.Copy !req
103. Wait, guys, hold on.
Jared, I'm gonna get you
some water, okay?Copy !req
104. Okay, what about this guy,
Chris Berger?Copy !req
105. He's a very skilled engineer.Copy !req
106. He was very funny
when we met with him.
I think he'd be great.Copy !req
107. He was oddly tall,
don't you think?Copy !req
108. Yeah, pass.Copy !req
109. Alright, what about
Blake Kang?Copy !req
110. His beard hair looked
like head hair.Copy !req
111. And his head hair
looked like beard hair.Copy !req
112. Come on! It's been
a fucking month.Copy !req
113. I got us these
expensive-ass officesCopy !req
114. because you wanted them,
and now they're just
sitting here, empty,Copy !req
115. because you guys
won't agree on anyone.Copy !req
116. Look, I'm going
to be seeing
Laurie BreamCopy !req
117. at this stupid Innovation
Hall of Fame event tonight,Copy !req
118. and she's gonna ask
how hiring is going.Copy !req
119. She's 11 months pregnant
and highly irritable.Copy !req
120. What am I going
to tell her?Copy !req
121. That we've just
been dicking around
the whole time?Copy !req
122. We're not dicking around.
Really?Copy !req
123. What about this?Copy !req
124. Touché.Copy !req
125. He sent in
a professional headshot.
We had no choice.Copy !req
126. Plus his face looks
like a taint.Copy !req
127. Okay, yeah, fair.Copy !req
128. But look, I sent you
63 good people.Copy !req
129. I spared you kilt guy,
openly alt-right guy,Copy !req
130. obviously closeted
alt-right guy,Copy !req
131. and the guy
with the stupid
fucking pizza app.Copy !req
132. It was so lame,
it would somehow
make you hate pizza.Copy !req
133. You have to choose.
Dude, it's easy
for you to say.Copy !req
134. You're gonna
be off CEO'ing,
going to fancy galas.Copy !req
135. We're the ones who have
to like be in the engine room
with these clowns.Copy !req
136. They have to meet
our rigorous standards.Copy !req
137. I mean, look at the three
we've already hired.Copy !req
138. Just look at them.
There they are.Copy !req
139. Stallions.Copy !req
140. Each one more magnificent
than the last.Copy !req
141. Perfect.Copy !req
142. Yeah, they're glorious,
obviously,Copy !req
143. but that's
only three of them,Copy !req
144. and they're luxuriating here
in this huge fucking palaceCopy !req
145. that is costing us a fortune,
so hurry up and pick these
fucking coders,Copy !req
146. and stop acting like a couple
of spoiled millionaires.Copy !req
147. Alright, Richard,Copy !req
148. your tuxedo
is pressed and ready
for the gala.Copy !req
149. I put a touch of mint
in the steamer.Copy !req
150. You're gonna look
like Richard Gere
from "Pretty Woman."Copy !req
151. Maybe tonight you'll fall
for a radiant sex worker.Copy !req
152. During my sabbatical
from Hooli,Copy !req
153. I toured
the wonders of the world,
seeking inspirationCopy !req
154. from mankind's
greatest achievements—Copy !req
155. the Parthenon,
Angkor Wat,Copy !req
156. the Great Pyramid
of Giza.Copy !req
157. But it wasn't
until my flight homeCopy !req
158. that I had my epiphany.Copy !req
159. Yes, those wonders
are visited by thousands
of people every year,Copy !req
160. but 2.4 million peopleCopy !req
161. visit HooliSearch
every minute.Copy !req
162. God, what a fucking douchebag.Copy !req
163. And then it occurred to me.Copy !req
164. What I have built is
a far greater achievement,Copy !req
165. than any
of the ancient world.Copy !req
166. And the ideal version
of myselfCopy !req
167. was the man
I already was.Copy !req
168. Thank you.Copy !req
169. Richard?
Richard Hendricks.Copy !req
170. Oh. Huh? Okay.
Yeah, hi, Duncan.
Yeah.Copy !req
171. Me and my guys were
just talking about you
and your pizza app.Copy !req
172. Oh yeah. I bet.
Our algorithm finds youCopy !req
173. the cheapest, fastest pizza,
and it's— it's awesome.Copy !req
174. Yeah.
It's actually so awesome...
Definitely.Copy !req
175. that— oh man, I'm gonna—
I'm gonna have to pull
my resume.Copy !req
176. Oh, you're pulling your—Copy !req
177. Oh no.
Yeah, I just don't feel
as psyched about itCopy !req
178. as I do about Sliceline.
Sliceline?Copy !req
179. That's the name
of your app?Copy !req
180. Yeah.
Oh God.Copy !req
181. Great.
Yeah, it's a pun.Copy !req
182. Is it?
Yeah. It rhymes
with Priceline.Copy !req
183. Okay. Just—
so, it rhymes? Okay.
Yeah. It's a rhyming pun.Copy !req
184. Anyway, there might be
some major VCs around here,
so I gotta go mingle.Copy !req
185. Okay.
It's the— it's the worst part
of this job. Am I right?Copy !req
186. I'm kidding.
It's the best part of the job.Copy !req
187. Okay.Copy !req
188. What an asshole.Copy !req
189. Richard.
Gavin, hello.Copy !req
190. Don't you look cute
in your Sunday best?Copy !req
191. How's that little
bunny Internet going?Copy !req
192. Mmm. New Internet. New.Copy !req
193. Unlike your old Internet.Copy !req
194. You know, I'm glad
I ran into you, Richard.Copy !req
195. I was actually
starting to feel bad
about what I did today.Copy !req
196. OhCopy !req
197. Invent the MOSFET
transistorCopy !req
198. It's old technology.
It's very old, like you.Copy !req
199. No. I've heard that
you're trying to staff up.
Over the past few months,Copy !req
200. you've met with just about
every distributed systems
developer in the Valley.Copy !req
201. Okay, well, not everyone.Copy !req
202. 63 of them,
and as of 4:30 p.m.
this afternoon,Copy !req
203. I hired them,
all 63 of them.Copy !req
204. Yeah, I had to pay
through the nose,
but you know what?Copy !req
205. It makes it worth
every penny.Copy !req
206. You know what?
Enjoy the reception, Richard.Copy !req
207. You too.Copy !req
208. Yeah, he wasn't bluffing.Copy !req
209. He hired all of them.Copy !req
210. Even my boy
Blake Kang?Copy !req
211. He was a good one.Copy !req
212. I'm sorry, uh, your boy?Copy !req
213. I thought his hair
was backwards?Copy !req
214. You guys were lukewarm
on him and everybody else
for all kinds of stupid reasons.Copy !req
215. Well, now that they're
unavailable, their strengths
are more readily apparent.Copy !req
216. And I don't want
to point fingers,
but we wouldn't be hereCopy !req
217. if you hadn't let
Gilfoyle and me waste
so much time being picky.Copy !req
218. What? I was dying
to move faster.Copy !req
219. I was just respecting
your process.Copy !req
220. Our process sucks.Copy !req
221. Your inability
to stop us from suckingCopy !req
222. is a failure
of leadership.Copy !req
223. At least we still
have the stallions.Copy !req
224. Ah. Those stallions.Copy !req
225. Look at 'em.
Magnificent.Copy !req
226. Sit back down.
Just sit in your chairs.Copy !req
227. Jared, um...Copy !req
228. call alt-right guy
and cologne boy
and all the other rejects,Copy !req
229. and... set meetings.Copy !req
230. Well, I did a little digging
on the alt-right guy,Copy !req
231. and he's pretty involved
in a campaign to eliminate
black emojis,Copy !req
232. but there might
be another option.Copy !req
233. Do you remember
Kira Pickford?Copy !req
234. Yes, actually.
Yeah, good coder,
but she had her own company.Copy !req
235. Well, that's true, except
that her company, Optimoji,Copy !req
236. just lost
their second round
of funding,Copy !req
237. so they're basically
on life support.Copy !req
238. So?
So, what if, instead
of building a team,Copy !req
239. we acquired one?Copy !req
240. But Optimoji has 30 people.
We only need 12.Copy !req
241. Well, we'll just insist
that she let the other 18 go.Copy !req
242. We have a lot of leverage.
Richard is a shrewd negotiator,Copy !req
243. and I'm, you know, spirited.Copy !req
244. Look, Kira,
this is a fair offer.Copy !req
245. But... I've got
30 great guys.Copy !req
246. We're like family,
and you only wanna
bring along 12?Copy !req
247. I have to do
what's right by my guys.Copy !req
248. Look, I know what
it's like to only be able
to rescue half your family,Copy !req
249. and it's awful,
but what can you do?
Shh, shh.Copy !req
250. Sometimes
there's only one—
Jared, okay, stop.Copy !req
251. Um, look, Kira,
you're not gonna find
a better deal than that.Copy !req
252. Your company
is close to bankruptcyCopy !req
253. and we all know that there
are a lotta coders out there
in this old town,Copy !req
254. and we could go
to any of 'em,Copy !req
255. but we wanna
go to you, so...Copy !req
256. kinda feels like we've got
all the cards here, huh?Copy !req
257. Richard.
You keep following me,Copy !req
258. I'm gonna call
the cops.Copy !req
259. I'm just kidding.
Oh.Copy !req
260. Hey, I'm Duncan.
Hey. Kira.Copy !req
261. Hey, guess what company
just got his Series "A"
Term SheetCopy !req
262. Oh, the Sliceline.Copy !req
263. Congrats, yeah.
Yeah, we're
staffing up like crazy.Copy !req
264. Speaking of staffing,
how about all those coders
you lost, man?Copy !req
265. I'm sorry.
That must've been
a real blow.Copy !req
266. What coders?Copy !req
267. Um, I'm sorry,
I don't mean to be rude,
but this is boring.Copy !req
268. Thank God
I didn't accept
your offer.Copy !req
269. I'd be the only guy
working for youCopy !req
270. now that Gavin Belson
swooped inCopy !req
271. and tactically mass-hired
every singleCopy !req
272. distributed systems
engineer you were looking at.Copy !req
273. Gavin hired all
of Richard's coders?Copy !req
274. Not everyone.
Not everyone.Copy !req
275. Yup. The guy is savage,Copy !req
276. and so are my guys
if they don't get
their caffeine,Copy !req
277. so nice meeting you, Kira.
Cool. Cool, cool.Copy !req
278. What were you saying
about holding all the cards?Copy !req
279. All of my coders
or none of them.Copy !req
280. Take it or leave it.Copy !req
281. What?Copy !req
282. What the fuck?Copy !req
283. Do you have—
Do you—Copy !req
284. Jian-Yang!Copy !req
285. Jian-Yang...
would you please explainCopy !req
286. why we each found
some random Chinese guy
asleep in our beds?Copy !req
287. Yes, you work all day.Copy !req
288. Your rooms are always empty,
so they use.Copy !req
289. The fuck they do.
Yes, it's not your house.Copy !req
290. This is not
your house either,
Jian-Yang.Copy !req
291. This is Erlich's house.
Do you think Erlich would
want your guys here?Copy !req
292. No. That's why I invite them,
because I hate Errich.Copy !req
293. We are not Erlich.
You are from Errich's
administration.Copy !req
294. No, we are not.
Nobody has heard
from Erlich in months.Copy !req
295. This isn't working.
I'm gonna drag your cousin
the fuck outta my lair.Copy !req
296. Jian-Yang:
No, this is my cousin.Copy !req
297. Engineers, welcome.Copy !req
298. You are 63 of the top
distributed systems developers
in the Valley,Copy !req
299. and we're looking forward
to working with you.Copy !req
300. Hooli is the future,
and your future is...Copy !req
301. the Box Two.Copy !req
302. So, are there
any questions?Copy !req
303. Yes?Copy !req
304. I'm sorry, but what
if we don't wanna
work on that?Copy !req
305. Weird. This is
our flagship product,Copy !req
306. but I'm sure we'd
all like to hear what
you would like to work on.Copy !req
307. A decentralized Internet,
like we were going to build
with Richard Hendricks.Copy !req
308. Actually, that's the one thing
we can't do here at Hooli. Yes?Copy !req
309. Sorry. You only hired us
because Pied Piper
wanted us, right?Copy !req
310. Untrue. Go on.Copy !req
311. And Pied Piper only wanted usCopy !req
312. because of our ability to help
build a decentralized Internet.Copy !req
313. Can't speak
to that. Continue.Copy !req
314. And you're telling us
that even if we want to,Copy !req
315. we can't build
a decentralized
Internet here.Copy !req
316. May I ask why not?Copy !req
317. Because Richard owns
the patent for it.Copy !req
318. Yes, third row,
red hoodie.Copy !req
319. How did he get it?
I gave it to him.Copy !req
320. You in the back?
Why did you do that?Copy !req
321. It was a Buddhist act
of selflessness.Copy !req
322. Well, I'm also a Buddhist,
and I would never
give him the patent.Copy !req
323. I mean, once he builds
that Internet,Copy !req
324. he's gonna render
Hooli's entire web-based
ecosystem completely obsolete.Copy !req
325. I mean, everything
you're doing here
is antiquated.Copy !req
326. That's not a question.
That's a statement.Copy !req
327. You know what?Copy !req
328. Fuck you guys.
I don't want you
working on my box.Copy !req
329. It's too good for you.
"Antiquated"?Copy !req
330. Why did you all
take my money then,
you entitled little pricks?Copy !req
331. You all think
you're John LennonCopy !req
332. until someone waves
a dollar in your face!Copy !req
333. You know what?
Get outta here!Copy !req
334. Go on, just wander
the campus for four years
until you vest.Copy !req
335. See what I care.Copy !req
336. I'm serious! Go! Goodbye!
Thank you very much!Copy !req
337. Assholes.
"Antiquated"?Copy !req
338. Fuck do they think they are?
I'm in the Innovation
Hall of Fame. Are they?Copy !req
339. Speaking of, they sent over
the official inductees portrait.Copy !req
340. You and your peers.
Handsome bunch.Copy !req
341. Fuck.Copy !req
342. Fuck!Copy !req
343. So, Mr. Yang—
It's Mr. Jian.Copy !req
344. In China,
last name comes first.Copy !req
345. Okay. Mr. Jian,
you say that Erlich Bachman
wrote this letter...Copy !req
346. to you?
Yes.Copy !req
347. "This is Erlich. Hello.Copy !req
348. "I am gone,
but Jian-Yang is a very good
friend and very smart.Copy !req
349. "I want him to be
the leader of the houseCopy !req
350. "and control all
of the friends.Copy !req
351. Goodbye.
Bachman Erlich."Copy !req
352. Yes. I want his house.Copy !req
353. Thank you.
Okay, I don't technically
represent Mr. Bachman.Copy !req
354. I'm Pied Piper's
corporate counsel,Copy !req
355. so my exposure to Bachman
pertains only to his 10%
ownership of the business.Copy !req
356. Errich owns 10%
of Pied Piper?Copy !req
357. This was not a lie?
Sadly, no,
that's very, very real.Copy !req
358. That's worth
a lot of money.Copy !req
359. It's promising tech.
One day it could be worth
a shit-ton.Copy !req
360. Shit-ton. Yes.Copy !req
361. Mr. Jian, you seem
like a good guy.Copy !req
362. Um, this letter is
not a legal document.Copy !req
363. I mean,
maybe a skilled attorney
could make a caseCopy !req
364. that in the absence
of an existing will,Copy !req
365. this would serve as one
in the case of Bachman's death,Copy !req
366. but as far as I can tell,
the guy is not...
Dead.Copy !req
367. Yes. Errich is dead.Copy !req
368. Do you happen to have...
a death certificateCopy !req
369. or any— any form
of proof of—
Yes.Copy !req
370. I can get it now.Copy !req
371. Our deal with Kira
is for 30 fucking coders.Copy !req
372. Where in the hell are
we gonna put them?Copy !req
373. Well, I suppose
we could put three more
workstations here,Copy !req
374. and then two more over there.Copy !req
375. It'd be crowded but cozy.Copy !req
376. They'll be
all holed up together
like the Branch Davidians.Copy !req
377. Yeah, but, I mean,
are we sure this is
the right thing to do?Copy !req
378. I mean, I don't want
to crowd the stallions.Copy !req
379. Are we sure taking on
all 30 of Kira's guys
is the right move?Copy !req
380. We can get up and running.
They all know each other,Copy !req
381. so we won't have to play
the name game.Copy !req
382. Yeah.Copy !req
383. Ron, hello.
Hey, buddy.
Hang on just a second.Copy !req
384. No, the— the exit is—
the exit is the other way.Copy !req
385. God damn it.
Um, Richie, you know
a guy named "JeeCopy !req
386. Jan? Uh, no.
Well, I know a "Jan the Man,"
but she's a woman.Copy !req
387. Look, did you— did you talk
to the Optimoji board yet?Copy !req
388. Uh, did we close the deal?Copy !req
389. Uh, well, a deal closed.
Another bidder came in
with a better offer,Copy !req
390. so they went with them.
Richard : What?Copy !req
391. Was it Gavin
fucking Belson again?Copy !req
392. Ron :
No, it was a new company.Copy !req
393. Real smart, clever name.Copy !req
394. Sort of a pun
that rhymes.Copy !req
395. Oh, hello, dickheads.Copy !req
396. I hope I'm not
interrupting your plotting,Copy !req
397. you sneaky little dinks.Copy !req
398. Kira, you and I had
a deal, okay?Copy !req
399. So fuck you, fuck you,
and fuck you!Copy !req
400. What did he say?Copy !req
401. Not you.
Just e— everyone.Copy !req
402. I meant fuck all of you.
No one specific.Copy !req
403. Richard,
you low-balled me.
Mmm?Copy !req
404. Remember? Well, Duncan here
said he wanted to grow
fast as balls.Copy !req
405. He said he was psyched.
Yeah, I am psyched.Copy !req
406. I'd hire a million people
if I could.Copy !req
407. See, if I have
to sell my company,
I might as well sell itCopy !req
408. to the CEO who
actually wants all of us.Copy !req
409. It's pizza, Kira.Copy !req
410. Richard, we're just
three CEOs trying
to do right by our companies.Copy !req
411. Okay, you know what?
I'm glad you turned us down,Copy !req
412. because I don't want
to work with anyoneCopy !req
413. who wants to work
with this... meathead.Copy !req
414. I'm taking these.
I'm taking all of them.Copy !req
415. Maybe just take one.
You have like four employees.
Ha!Copy !req
416. Ah, shit.Copy !req
417. Throw it away.Copy !req
418. Patrice, I'd like
to welcome you back
to the Hooli family.Copy !req
419. It's wonderful
to be back, Gavin.Copy !req
420. Sadly, the timing
couldn't be worse.Copy !req
421. Those code-monkeys
I just hired were right
about one thing:Copy !req
422. Making Jack's box
the flagship product
of this companyCopy !req
423. will send us down a path
to technological irrelevanceCopy !req
424. from which
we will never return.Copy !req
425. But in light of the time
and resourcesCopy !req
426. we've invested
in this product,Copy !req
427. convincing the board
and our shareholdersCopy !req
428. to simply scrap it
will be nearly impossible.Copy !req
429. Our company is too big
to turn around that quickly.Copy !req
430. Gavin, what if you launched
a new product to help us
correct course?Copy !req
431. Absolutely. Look at all
the products you've brought
to market over the years.Copy !req
432. Hmm. True.Copy !req
433. I did invent the HooliPod
and the HooliPad
and the HooliPad Pro,Copy !req
434. but a man only has
so many game-changing
inventions in him.Copy !req
435. And technically,
all the products he just
named were money-losers.Copy !req
436. I mean, you could argue
we'd have been better offCopy !req
437. if he'd never invented
any of that stuff.Copy !req
438. Hoover.
Sir.Copy !req
439. Patrice, can I talk
to you outside
for a second?Copy !req
440. Anyway, if Jack Barker's
insidious box is allowed
to go to market,Copy !req
441. we may all lose our jobs.Copy !req
442. We may all go
the way of Patrice.Copy !req
443. But we must fight it.
We cannot sacrificeCopy !req
444. our long-term wellbeing
in the interest of paltry,
short-term profits.Copy !req
445. Well, they're
not paltry, exactly.Copy !req
446. Did you not see
the preorder figures
for the Box Two?Copy !req
447. They came in
this morning.Copy !req
448. Holy shit.Copy !req
449. Are these right?
How many quarters is this?Copy !req
450. Just one.
The Box Two will be by farCopy !req
451. the most lucrative new product
we've ever released.Copy !req
452. Fucking Sliceline.Copy !req
453. Plus his fancy,
hi-tech pizza tastes
just like Domino's.Copy !req
454. There's a reason for that.
Check out the liner.Copy !req
455. Oh yeah.
I guess that's Domino's.Copy !req
456. We never had pizza
'cause my step-mom saidCopy !req
457. Italians aren't
real white people.Copy !req
458. Hold on. Duncan doesn't
even make his own pizza?Copy !req
459. He just orders it
from Domino'sCopy !req
460. and switches the boxes?Copy !req
461. He really is sneaky.Copy !req
462. It's not sneaky.
It's stupid.Copy !req
463. Switching boxes costs
a lot of money.Copy !req
464. Okay. How do you know?Copy !req
465. I need to prove
Errich's dead,Copy !req
466. so I want to ship
a dead body from China,Copy !req
467. but it's hard to find
a white body in China,Copy !req
468. especially fat
like Errich,Copy !req
469. so I buy a fat,
white cadaverCopy !req
470. from Cincinnati
medical school.Copy !req
471. But to ship to China,
then switch box,Copy !req
472. then ship back,
it's way too much money.Copy !req
473. Say that again.Copy !req
474. Like, not one word
of that made sense.Copy !req
475. Hold on. Just— ju—
what— uh...Copy !req
476. does anyone—
does anyone know
the price of a Domino's pizza?Copy !req
477. A large, 10 bucks.Copy !req
478. Okay, well,
Sliceline sells
theirs for nine.Copy !req
479. So?
So, we're not fucked yet.Copy !req
480. That was
kinda crazy, Richard.
That was—Copy !req
481. I mean, you threw
a full-on tantrum.Copy !req
482. I know, I know.
I am so sorry.Copy !req
483. It's just— I guess
I'm just a CEO trying
to do right by my company.Copy !req
484. Like you guys.Copy !req
485. Speaking of business,
wow, we're having a hell
of a night.Copy !req
486. Yeah, well, I would know.Copy !req
487. About 500 of those orders
tonight are me.Copy !req
488. Oh. Richard,
you really didn't
have to do that.Copy !req
489. But the peace offering
is super appreciated.Copy !req
490. Yeah, well,
I wouldn't really call it
a peace offering.Copy !req
491. You see, Duncan,
you took eight mil
in funding, right?Copy !req
492. And then you matched
my offer to acquire
Optimoji here from Kira,Copy !req
493. but the thing is,
you can't sell your pizzasCopy !req
494. for nine bucks a pop
without taking a bath,
can you?Copy !req
495. The reboxing,
the double delivery, ugh.Copy !req
496. You lose, what,
four bucks an order?Copy !req
497. Five, actually.Copy !req
498. We're losing
five bucks a pizza?
Yeah.Copy !req
499. Only temporarily.
So, her team is
gonna optimizeCopy !req
500. our order routing
and allocation, and then
we'll be cash-flow positive.Copy !req
501. We can easily
turn it aroundCopy !req
502. before we run out
of money.
Right.Copy !req
503. Yeah.
Unless a lot of peopleCopy !req
504. buy your pizza
very quickly.Copy !req
505. What are—
what are you doing?Copy !req
506. Well, Duncan,
I can be a dickhead too.Copy !req
507. You see, I have $13 million
in my bank accountCopy !req
508. and a very low payroll,
which affords me to buy
a lot of tasty 'zaCopy !req
509. before you can
turn it around.Copy !req
510. You're trying
to bankrupt us?Copy !req
511. No, Kira. I'm simply trying
to devalue your company,Copy !req
512. so that I can make
a low-ball acquisition offerCopy !req
513. which you cannot refuse.Copy !req
514. Richard, I'm just gonna
delete your account.Copy !req
515. You see, my engineers
already thought of that,Copy !req
516. and they worked up
a little botnet program.Copy !req
517. Thousands of fake users
indistinguishable
from real onesCopy !req
518. geolocated perfectly
to maximize drive timeCopy !req
519. and bleed
your little greasebag
operation dry.Copy !req
520. You know,
I may not have
that many coders,Copy !req
521. but the ones I do
are stallions,Copy !req
522. each one more magnificent
than the last.Copy !req
523. You spent
$19,000 on pizza?Copy !req
524. No, $19,000 on vengeance.Copy !req
525. You're acquiring Sliceline
who already acquired Optimoji?Copy !req
526. Richard, you're talking
about absorbing a staff of 50.Copy !req
527. How are you gonna
spin this to Laurie?Copy !req
528. Well, you said
you'd protect me
from Laurie.Copy !req
529. I mean, she's your partner.
Are you afraid of her?Copy !req
530. Of course
I'm afraid of her.Copy !req
531. The woman got pregnant
just to prove to meCopy !req
532. that she could do it
without missing
a day of work.Copy !req
533. Okay, fair enough,
but maybe this one time
you could take my side.Copy !req
534. I cannot take your side.
You're asking
for 50 employees.Copy !req
535. Think of the—
Sorry I am late.Copy !req
536. Hey, Laurie.
Did you, uh—Copy !req
537. Induce?
Yes, this morning...Copy !req
538. and here I am.Copy !req
539. So, Richard,Copy !req
540. I received your email.Copy !req
541. I understand you wish
to acquire a company
called... Sliceline,Copy !req
542. which themselves
recently acquired
a company called Optimoji.Copy !req
543. Yes, and I will be firing
both companies' CEOsCopy !req
544. and taking on
a total engineering team
of about, uh, 50.Copy !req
545. Fifty?Copy !req
546. Monica, you are
okay with this?Copy !req
547. Well, it shortens
their runway significantly,Copy !req
548. but you did say
that you want them
to grow, Laurie.Copy !req
549. Yes, but in this case
it seems...Copy !req
550. reckless.Copy !req
551. However, if you are
on top of it,Copy !req
552. Monica, then...Copy !req
553. approved.Copy !req
554. Congratulations.Copy !req
555. Great. Thanks.
And congratulations
to you too.Copy !req
556. On?Copy !req
557. On the— on your—
on your baby.Copy !req
558. Oh.Copy !req
559. This is awesome.
Gavin is essentially
doubling-downCopy !req
560. on the very thing
we are destroying.Copy !req
561. It's like he's giving up.Copy !req
562. Maybe I should've ordered
the nicer Tesla.Copy !req
563. Ah.Copy !req
564. Oh gosh.
Everyone's here.Copy !req
565. Richard.
So many people.Copy !req
566. Richard.Copy !req
567. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
568. I thought you'd want to give
some opening remarks,Copy !req
569. you know, it being
the first day and all,Copy !req
570. just to set the tone.Copy !req
571. Ladies and gentlemen,
Richard Hendricks!Copy !req
572. Um...Copy !req
573. Um...Copy !req
574. Well, it's great
to have everybodyCopy !req
575. and... so many... f— faces.Copy !req
576. We've got a lot of...
men and women here.Copy !req
577. And...Copy !req
578. we should remember that.Copy !req
579. So, let's keep it clean.Copy !req
580. Um...Copy !req
581. it's always a challenge...Copy !req
582. to get it—Copy !req
583. I've got—
I should probably—
more to say in a minute.Copy !req
584. I just have to go, one—
one second, in my office...Copy !req
585. and then we'll conclude.Copy !req
586. Uh, he just needs
a second in his office,
then he's gonna come back.Copy !req
587. Oh God.Copy !req
588. Don't tell anyone, okay?Copy !req
589. Um, Richard, I know—
I know money's tight,Copy !req
590. but I think I might invest
in a modesty panel
for your desk.Copy !req
591. What?Copy !req
592. You have petitioned
to become the sole executorCopy !req
593. of the estate of Erlich Bachman.Copy !req
594. Erlich Bachman is dead.Copy !req
595. Oh!Copy !req
596. The Optimoji guys
and the Sliceline guys,Copy !req
597. they are united against me.Copy !req
598. Good news. I'm hearing
that Pied Piper is in freefall.Copy !req
599. If I have to build my
entire new internet by myself,Copy !req
600. I'll do that.Copy !req
601. You have been in a coma
for four years.Copy !req
602. - In fact,Copy !req
603. I'm a robot.Copy !req
604. I'm just joking around!Copy !req
605. What, did you sell
your sense of humor?Copy !req
606. Come on!
No.Copy !req