Silicon Valley 4x8

1. A little to the right. The right, more, more.

2. More. Woof! Aces.

3. We did it.

4. - Busy? - Hey, come on in.

5. I'm just putting the finishing touches on Bachman's Operational Center.

6. Can you believe that I talked the ladies into letting me keep

7. that little piece of genius in here?

8. - Sweet. - Sweet indeed. It's human hair.

9. Where have you been? We've been trying to close your deal.

10. Monica and Laurie were really fighting me on one final deal point

11. and I was getting bummed,

12. so I turned my phone off, went kitesurfing in Fiji.

13. When I got back, I was chill again.

14. And I got a message that they agreed.

15. - So, you closed. - Yep.

16. What was that one little pesky deal point?

17. I think you're gonna like it.

18. Fuck, yeah!

19. A keyman clause?

20. Yes. And said keyman is none other than yours truly.

21. It's the highest honor that you can bestow on a VC.

22. Wow.

23. - So, you get shares in the company. - No.

24. - So, you get a seat on the board? - I do not.

25. A bonus.

26. There's no cash involved, but if Monica or Laurie

27. tries to oust me from Bream-Hall,

28. Keenan Feldspar can void the deal and walk.

29. So, basically, this new title just means

30. that you for sure get to keep your shitty desk job.

31. Congratulations, but, Erlich, can you please turn on the heat?

32. It's freezing in here.

33. Tsk, tsk, Richard. Negativity.

34. Have you seen Keenan's demo?

35. Reddit is shitting itself over it.

36. Of course I've seen it. I'm his keyman.

37. He gave me one of the first opportunities to shit myself over it.

38. - It's that good? - Guys, come on.

39. How good can it be? VR is just a fad.

40. Oh, Richard, I've forgotten what an envious little crone you can be.

41. Envious? Me, of who?

42. - Keenan Feldspar? - Of course.

43. Keenan was born with a golden horseshoe up his ass,

44. while you sit here toiling away in an icebox you call your home office,

45. cursed with the Midas touch of shit.

46. I'm not cursed.

47. And the icebox you're referring to is your house, okay?

48. What?

49. Uh, guys, I just got a billing alert from Azure.

50. Apparently, all of our cold data has gone hot,

51. so we've already exceeded our monthly server budget?

52. Monthly? Bullshit. It's been four days.

53. What the fuck?

54. We have to store Melcher's data there until we have enough phones.

55. We can't afford this.

56. I'm gonna call Melcher.

57. Hey, Richard, how we doing?

58. Is there something going on with your data?

59. Because it was basically parked until a few hours ago

60. when it started flying on and off our network like crazy.

61. Well, aren't you watching the Weather Channel?

62. No. Why, is there a hurricane or something?

63. Worse. It's cold outside.

64. Okay. So?

65. California loses its mind when it gets cold.

66. Citrus trees start freezing.

67. Sometimes, there's actual frost on the road,

68. you know, and people start filing claims like crazy.

69. Our whole office is going nuts right now.

70. Well, that kind of data traffic is costing us a fortune.

71. That's the beauty of the deal we made, Richard.

72. You agreed to store our data for a flat rate.

73. Everyone else in my division is getting gouged on their

74. storage and bandwidth fees right now,

75. but thanks to you, I look like a genius.

76. - I'll tell Liz you say hi. - Oh. Oh, no. No, no. That's okay.

77. - What did he say? - He says, "Hi."

78. And that we are responsible for the overages.

79. Fuck.

80. - Maybe you are cursed. - I'm not.

81. That's ridiculous. There's no such thing.

82. Fucking what?

83. Richard, a bill of this size is going to be problematic.

84. Problematic? Catastrophic.

85. We're not gonna be able to pay that bill so our server's gonna get cut off.

86. Which means we're gonna lose Melcher's data,

87. which means he's gonna sue us and seize our assets and our patents,

88. and the entire future of the fucking Internet

89. is gonna belong to a fucking insurance company.

90. I can't take this shit anymore. Admit it, we're fucked.

91. Okay, let's just think. Let's just think.

92. Dan Melcher runs a very conservative insurance company,

93. but even he was willing to pay us up front for data storage, right?

94. True.

95. - Although that was complicated. - What?

96. It was just such a "in the weeds" deal.

97. Point being, we could find another customer

98. and then use that upfront payment to cover Melcher's fees.

99. That's like getting a new credit card to pay off your old credit card.

100. Yeah, and as CFO, I should tell you we've already done that seven times.

101. Look, I don't have any moral issue with any of that,

102. but it was hard enough to get Melcher,

103. how the fuck are we gonna get a second Melcher?

104. It's cold out here. I can almost see my breath, huh?

105. What do you want?

106. Well, uh...

107. It's just that the guys are a little agitated

108. because we seem to be having minor money troubles.

109. I was thinking since you and Bream-Hall

110. signed such a big check over to Keenan Feldspar,

111. and since you're his keyman,

112. maybe you could help set up a data storage deal

113. like we had with Melcher.

114. Merely tens of minutes ago,

115. you were rubbing VR's face in a pile of its own make.

116. That means shit. And now VR is supposed to be your lifeboat?

117. Just to remind you, Erlich, you are also an investor in Pied Piper.

118. It would be good for everyone, including you.

119. Very well.

120. Fill me in on the details of your little proposal.

121. Pitch.

122. What do you mean? You know the details.

123. You were there with me for every single pitch meeting.

124. And I'm sorry that I wasn't key in those meetings,

125. so I don't recall all of the little nitty-gritty details.

126. saving you 25% on your data storage,

127. which makes us pretty deserving of the Weissman trophy.

128. You know, the Heisman trophy from athletics.

129. Dude, this demo is insane.

130. Gentlemen, you're stepping on Richard's laughs.

131. I'm sorry, but I walked up a hill, and on the top of the hill there was a tavern,

132. and I walked into the tavern,

133. and I can just look everywhere and there was a barmaid.

134. Guess what? I walked right up to the barmaid,

135. and I just looked at her for a really long time.

136. This technology could change the world.

137. I'm not one to gush,

138. but the possibilities of your consequence-free reality

139. are darkly promising.

140. So stoked you guys liked it.

141. I hacked it together last summer,

142. and I just guessed right on a lot of the details.

143. But if you think that was cool, wait till you see our final hardware,

144. which is in en route from China. It's gorgeous.

145. Well, enjoy it while it lasts just 'cause, you know, this can be a tough business.

146. Is it?

147. So, Richard...

148. You wanna try the demo?

149. No, thanks. No, I'm not a VR guy.

150. Richard doesn't like things that are cool or fun or taste good.

151. Plus, it makes him queasy.

152. He has a sensitive constitution.

153. Ah, come on, you're gonna do it.

154. Look at him. He's gonna do it.

155. It's gonna be awesome. Come on.

156. - You're doing it. Come on, come on. - Sure. I guess.

157. - After you. - Okay.

158. Wow. You really vomited a lot.

159. - And, like, immediately. - Yeah. Yeah.

160. Bad luck, I guess.

161. Yeah, so, look, anyway, about that data storage deal...

162. Oh, yeah, if Erlich says it works, that's good enough for me.

163. - Let's do it. - Really?

164. - Yeah. - Okay. Perfect. That's great.

165. Um, well, I guess we should get back to the house,

166. - draw up some paperwork for that. - Mmm-hmm.

167. We should be able to pull everything together by Monday?

168. Is it cool if we hang out

169. just to, like, play around with the VR some more?

170. Okay, but I'm sure Keenan's busy.

171. No, you guys should stay.

172. You want a beer? I just put in a fresh keg.

173. He put in a fresh keg.

174. It's so warm in here.

175. That would be the subfloor heating.

176. I didn't even know I had it. It just came with the house.

177. That's nice.

178. What are you telling me? Box Two is delayed?

179. We were already facing some design and production challenges,

180. but then this cold snap happened.

181. Apparently, there was frost on the loading dock

182. at our microprocessor plant in Acton.

183. So, it's cold outside.

184. Why does everyone in this state have to be such a wimp about it?

185. Well, a semi-truck slid right through the door

186. and hit the main breaker panel and melted down the entire facility.

187. The driver was incinerated instantly.

188. I see. Well, thoughts and prayers, obviously.

189. But we'll still be ready to roll out in time for Hoolicon, right?

190. Guys, hey, I'm not Gavin Belson.

191. You can be honest with me.

192. How many days will this set us back?

193. We're going to miss delivery of product by two quarters.

194. You realize Hoolicon is in one week, right?

195. I mean, it's my first Hoolicon as CEO of this company.

196. I'm supposed to get up on stage

197. in front of an audience of thousands

198. and deliver a keynote presentation built entirely around the release of Box Two.

199. I was going to descend onto the stage in a giant box.

200. Boom!

201. Jack in the box.

202. Then Mike Tyson and Floyd Mayweather were gonna come out and box

203. over who was gonna get to take home the first new Box.

204. These are world-class puns! Now, I got nothing.

205. Hello?

206. Hey, guys.

207. I have something to show you.

208. - Have you been here all weekend? - Is that the sushi guy?

209. Matching pajamas.

210. You guys look like you're in a cult.

211. Oh. Keenan gets these for free.

212. Yeah, we're not gonna wear the same thing three days straight.

213. You gotta come check this out.

214. This way.

215. Wow.

216. I didn't feel sick at all. Not once.

217. - Not even going up the hill? - No.

218. No nausea at all.

219. Yeah, I felt fine the entire time.

220. What did you do, did you reduce the latency?

221. I didn't. You did.

222. Dinesh and Gilfoyle helped me integrate

223. your middle-out compression algorithm into my codec.

224. - I'm sorry, what? - It's off the charts now, man.

225. We were even able to push the barmaid to the cloud.

226. These two guys are mad geniuses.

227. Hang on, I have something for you.

228. What the fuck?

229. You just gave our proprietary technology to this asshole

230. without even running it by me first. Are you serious?

231. Well, we were just hanging out, and he was like, "We should try it,"

232. and he said we could delete it, and then he started getting really excited.

233. And then he said, you know, "You're doing it," a bunch of times,

234. and then we did it, and then we started getting really excited.

235. - And it was so exciting. - And it worked.

236. The VR is rad now.

237. Gilfoyle, "rad"?

238. You are wearing the exact same pajamas as Dinesh

239. and you're saying "rad" now?

240. You have been sucked entirely into his little Keenan vortex.

241. Okay.

242. I grant you with the benefit of even a second's distance,

243. this isn't a good look.

244. I don't know. I think we look rad.

245. - Just hear Keenan out, okay? - On what?

246. Here you go, Richard.

247. - What's this? - It's an offer.

248. I want to acquire Pied Piper.

249. Bingo.

250. 2009, the HooliPad touchscreen

251. was recalled five days before Gavin Belson's Hoolicon keynote.

252. Now, if he can pull something together that fast, certainly I can.

253. Well, sir, I really don't see the value in you comparing yourself

254. so closely to Gavin Belson.

255. Meaning what, exactly?

256. Nothing. Just that

257. he's considered the greatest showman the tech world has ever seen.

258. I mean, just look at him.

259. We've blown away the FIPS 140-2 standard for security,

260. and that's been certified by NIST/CSE, as you can see.

261. - Wow. - There.

262. Look at the confidence, the poise.

263. Look at the stage presence.

264. It is accessible,

265. here we go,

266. through the dropdown menu there.

267. How could I top that?

268. Oh, I don't think anyone ever will.

269. When he looked at you,

270. you felt like you were the only two people in the world.

271. Hoover?

272. Yes, sir?

273. Get the fuck out of my office this instant.

274. Sorry, sir.

275. Anyone here use our enterprise server?

276. We've taken secure authentication to a whole other level.

277. Jack Barker, you're gonna need a miracle.

278. Anyone care to talk secure biometrics?

279. Well, considering our looming debts and the embryonic state of our network,

280. this is a very generous offer.

281. But we're not for sale, guys.

282. Richard, listen, it's like we've been lost at sea for a long time

283. in a tiny boat and there is no wind,

284. and now, through sheer luck,

285. we've just happened to drift right up to Hawaii.

286. Now, we can continue sailing into the unknown

287. and probably sink, or die of starvation, or scurvy,

288. or we can get off in Hawaii.

289. Let's get off in Hawaii.

290. What's so good about Hawaii?

291. - Have you never been? - No.

292. It's very nice.

293. I think we should take it.

294. Okay, everything Keenan touches turns to gold

295. and you are different than that.

296. I want to go to Hawaii.

297. Fucking Keenan Feldspar.

298. How dare he put me in this position.

299. Everything just comes so easy to him.

300. He invents one little thing, and then he's gonna make a billion dollars

301. and just, "Keenan Feldspar gets whatever he wants,"

302. and now I have to be the ogre that says no to him. Great.

303. Richard, you are my captain, and I'm your mate,

304. and I will sleep in the bilge with the vermin and I will eat hardtack,

305. and I will say thank you.

306. And if duty requires, I will stand on deck and I will salute you

307. as we sink beneath the waves.

308. But as poor as our odds are, I'm worried that if we turn down this offer,

309. we will lose the rest of our crew,

310. and if that happens, we will lose everything, Richard.

311. Your algorithm.

312. So, you're saying that if I say no to this,

313. I risk having a mutiny on my hands.

314. Aye, Captain.

315. Thanks.

316. Fuck you, Keenan Feldspar.

317. Whoa.

318. Problem?

319. Your counteroffer here is really, really high.

320. Yes, but after crunching the old numbies, um,

321. there's no way we could make an acquisition work

322. for even just a penny less than that number right there.

323. You know, what with the patent and the IP.

324. And you said it yourself, my guys are the best.

325. So, Keenan, as you know, the best is expensive.

326. This is more than I just took in funding from Bream-Hall,

327. and you want all cash.

328. - I can't do that. - Really?

329. Aw. Rats.

330. Rats, rats, rats.

331. Weird.

332. I wanted this to happen, but it didn't.

333. That sucks. I wanted it, too. Very badly.

334. But, you know what they say in life,

335. "You can't always get what you want."

336. This feeling sucks.

337. Trust me, you get used to it.

338. Wait, Keenan said no?

339. To us?

340. I guess you can never really know someone

341. until you ask them to put their money where their mouth is.

342. Yeah, kind of a shitty thing to do.

343. Kind of a shitty little dude.

344. Anyway, lesson learned.

345. Anyhoo, as soon as Erlich comes in

346. and brings us our signed data storage contract from Keenan, we'll be all set.

347. We'll be back in business.

348. Huh? Go team.

349. Let's celebrate. Let's, uh, put on some music. We never do that.

350. What was the number?

351. - What number? - Your counteroffer to Keenan,

352. what was the number you went back to him with?

353. Gilfoyle, to be honest, these deals are pretty complicated.

354. Richard, what was the number?

355. Twenty-five million fucking dollars.

356. - Wait, what? - You heard the man-child right.

357. Richie had the quail eggs to counter $25 million.

358. - Isn't that right, Richard? - What?

359. That's fucking crazy.

360. Yeah, I thought so, too.

361. But you know what's even crazier than that?

362. You guys got yourself a fucking deal.

363. What?

364. Okay, so, this is $25 million? This is real?

365. - As crystal. - Yeah.

366. I'm not gonna lie, when you first told me that number,

367. I had a feeling of mad.

368. But then I had lunch and after that I was a little tired,

369. but I mostly felt pretty okay.

370. And that's when it hit me, this is a guy who knows how valuable he is.

371. It got me to thinking that perhaps I've undervalued my own company.

372. Especially because now I have this baller algorithm

373. that's solving all my latency issues.

374. Well, my algorithm.

375. So, I called Big Cat here, and we slid that new demo over to Raviga.

376. Ed Chen liked it so much he offered to triple the Bream-Hall deal.

377. But the Bream-Hall deal is signed, it's done, right?

378. Was done.

379. Enter the keyman, the Big Cat.

380. You see, if I quit Bream-Hall, then Keenan is free to do whatever he wants.

381. You quit Bream-Hall?

382. Two hours ago.

383. Ten minutes later, we were in a handshake deal at Raviga.

384. This adorable little wombat made clear his intentions

385. that he wants me to be the new COO of his company,

386. along with a 5% stake.

387. And now we can all work together on this dope-ass shit

388. and make a fuck-ton of money while we're doing it.

389. See, it always works out.

390. - It does. Who's drinking? To the palapa. - Yeah.

391. Pour me one, Big Cat.

392. Jared, there's no pink glasses.

393. Richard, I know you think I'm a bullshit artist.

394. It's okay. I totally am.

395. I have this gift where I can make people do whatever I want them to do,

396. - and they don't even realize they're doing it. - Right.

397. Richard, you have the greatest technology that I've ever seen.

398. You could change the fucking world.

399. You just have to get people excited about it.

400. That's where I come in.

401. You and me together, bro, look how strong this is.

402. Fucking forget about it.

403. We're going to be fucking cutting class and crushing ass.

404. You really think that you can get people excited about Pied Piper?

405. Richard, that's what I do.

406. You know you're doing it. I can see it.

407. - He knows. - Well...

408. - The wheels are already turning. - Maybe.

409. Come on, you know you're fucking doing it. Let's do it, buddy.

410. - Let's fucking do it. Come on. - Okay. Yeah. Okay.

411. - All right, here you go. - I'm just gonna wait.

412. - Okay. Here you are. - Yeah.

413. Get out there.

414. - Richard... - Yeah.

415. Are we okay?

416. Uh, no, Jared, we're not okay.

417. We're fucking rich.

418. Sorry, it's a bit nutty around here.

419. Yeah, well, I just want to say

420. how sorry I am that Erlich flaked on you guys.

421. Not your fault.

422. Also, and I know this might piss you off to some degree...

423. I have decided to make a deal with Keenan Feldspar.

424. What? Why?

425. He made a really good offer.

426. Lots of money.

427. And, look, he's got my back.

428. Right, well, it's not like him to talk you into a deal

429. and then just totally fuck you over.

430. Yeah.

431. No, look, he's copped up to all that.

432. I mean, he was very honest about the whole Keenan vortex thing, so...

433. Well, you don't think his discussing the vortex

434. is just a way of pulling you into the vortex?

435. No, why would he...

436. Son of a bitch.

437. Yeah.

438. Okay, look, Richard...

439. What I'm about to tell you is a huge breach of ethics,

440. but it's going to save you from making a big mistake,

441. Keenan and Erlich's little keyman game

442. is the greatest thing that happened to this firm.

443. I'd like to hear why.

444. A, no more Erlich.

445. And if that weren't enough, we get our $20 million back.

446. But the biggest reason is that we realized

447. once we took a look under the hood, Keenan's tech is dog shit.

448. No. No, it's not dog shit.

449. I thought so, too, but then I tried the demo, and it's pretty amazing.

450. There's this point in the tavern where you meet this barmaid

451. and you can look wherever you want however long you want.

452. Yeah, well, um...

453. Look, the demo is amazing.

454. When you run it on a $10,000 rig.

455. But the future of VR is mobile,

456. and there's no phone on Earth that could handle that demo,

457. let alone the full bloated platform.

458. Isn't that why Keenan has acquired us?

459. I mean, to help him figure that out?

460. No, he just wants you to make the demo better

461. so he can take as much money off the table as he can.

462. He'll walk away rich,

463. the company will crater, and you will go down with it.

464. And that would be the end of Pied Piper.

465. Look, Richard, you have to tell Keenan that you're not going to take this deal.

466. Fuck. What do I do?

467. How am I supposed to tell the guys that I'm taking away their payday?

468. You don't understand.

469. Keenan had us pouring champagne all over each other

470. like a bunch of fucking douchebags.

471. I honestly don't think they even care that the tech is shit.

472. They just wanna go to Hawaii.

473. - Hawaii? - It's a metaphor we've been using.

474. Um, we are pirates and our ship is sinking,

475. and Keenan is Hawaii.

476. This is what you talk about all day?

477. Look, this deal was our only hope.

478. And with all due respect, uh,

479. you run your own firm and you're not exactly jumping at the chance to fund us, are you?

480. Because you're still theoretical.

481. Look, I'll make you a promise.

482. If you can get all of Melcher's data

483. onto a stable network of mobile devices and prove that this works,

484. - I will fund your A-round. - Really?

485. You have my word.

486. But you have to tell Keenan, "No deal."

487. Uh, guys?

488. Oh, he came in the front this time.

489. So, we need to talk to you.

490. You need to talk to me?

491. You may want to have a seat.

492. Okay.

493. Is that a new sweater?

494. Hey, Richard, there's some bad news.

495. Richard, right before Keenan signed the Raviga deal,

496. somebody else swooped in and offered him an absurd amount of money for his company.

497. And he took it.

498. Really?

499. So, Keenan sold his company?

500. Deal's off the table.

501. We're not going to Hawaii.

502. No.

503. No.

504. Listen, Richard, we know you fought really hard for this deal.

505. We will never forget that.

506. Yeah, I did. And I would gladly fight for it and you guys again.

507. Gosh. Damn.

508. You don't seem that mad.

509. I am. I am, Gilfoyle. I'm pissed.

510. If you need to kick another hole in the door, we'd understand.

511. Yeah. No, I might have to.

512. Really. I just...

513. If I don't calm down, I will...

514. I will take you up on that.

515. Who, uh...

516. Who did he sell to?

517. The only other company that could guarantee viable middle-out compression.

518. - Hooli. - Yep.

519. Hooli? He sold to Hooli.

520. - What a dick move. - Yeah.

521. I mean, that's not the half of it.

522. And once he figured out what Erlich's 5% would be worth,

523. he left him out in the cold.

524. What, he got Erlich to quit his job, and then cut him out of the deal?

525. Jesus.

526. We thought you were cursed, but maybe it was just your proximity to Erlich.

527. I mean, that dude must have driven a van over a bunch of gypsies in a previous life.

528. Where is he?

529. I saw him grab his lighter and bong

530. and head out to the palapa to sulk a few minutes ago.

531. Isn't that his bong right there?

532. Well, shit.

533. Guys, there's a fire. We need the fire guys.

534. Someone call the fire guys.

535. Erlich?

536. Hey, buddy.

537. Still not talking?

538. You've been out here all night. It's freezing.

539. Sure you don't want to come back inside?

540. Yeah, it was a nice palapa.

541. Well, the concrete's still pretty warm from the fire.

542. He should be okay for at least a few more hours.

543. Well, that's probably longer than we'll be in business.

544. Yeah, we got our first past due notice from Azure.

545. They said we have five business days till they cut us off.

546. If you guys want to feel worse, check this out.

547. Come join us for an epic gathering

548. where we come together as one people, as visionaries.

549. Is this not the most exciting time to be in technology?

550. The whole thing is just, like, wow.

551. The most transformative technology event in the world, Hoolicon.

552. See you all at Hoolicon.

553. I hope you're excited.

554. - I know "VR." - Yeah, "VR."

555. Fucking Keenan Feldspar.

556. Jared, how many people attend Hoolicon?

557. About a quarter of a million over the whole weekend.

558. And, Gilfoyle, um, how many more phones do we need to get us off Azure?

559. 123,000, give or take.

560. Dinesh, how much are tickets to Hoolicon?

561. Why would I have that information?