Silicon Valley 4x7

1. That's a good one, Richard.

2. No, but seriously, what brings you in today?

3. No, I am serious.

4. I would like an STD check.

5. What, did you graze your penis against a toilet seat?

6. - No. I had sex. - Sex with what?

7. - Female. - A female what?

8. A female human.

9. And I don't know this woman very well, and we didn't use a condom.

10. Now listen, Richard, I wouldn't worry so much.

11. People don't really get STDs anymore.

12. We'll get your test back soon,

13. and I would tell you not to have sex before then, but let's face it,

14. lightning ain't gonna strike twice, is it?

15. It's possible.

16. - Huh? - It's possible.

17. No.

18. Hey, here's something strange.

19. Would you mind hopping up on that scale for a sec?

20. Okay. Why, am I gaining weight?

21. I have been working like crazy, eating like crap.

22. I haven't been exercising at all really, so...

23. Yeah. Look at that.

24. You are an inch shorter than you were this time last year.

25. You're shrinking, my friend.

26. How's that possible?

27. Well, you just told me. It's your unhealthy lifestyle, Richard.

28. It's a loss of mineral bone density.

29. So, what do I do?

30. I'm gonna put you on calcium supplements,

31. and I'm gonna have you come back in about three weeks.

32. I'll see you then.

33. Or whatever's left of you.

34. So, Erlich, good news.

35. Keenan Feldspar signed his term sheet

36. and we are now officially negotiating the finer points of his deal.

37. Fantastic!

38. Well, now, the real work begins.

39. To that end, we would like to clarify our arrangement with you.

40. We feel that a generous finder's fee will be more than satisfactory.

41. This meeting is over.

42. This is very generous,

43. but I was under the impression that, um, I was going to be hired here.

44. And I've actually told quite a few people that I was hired,

45. so if I wasn't, then it would look like I was fired.

46. That is fine.

47. No.

48. Laurie, I will not allow you to make the same mistake

49. that Uber, Palantir, Zenefits,

50. and in my earlier years, Chipotle made by not hiring me.

51. All right. Don't hire me.

52. But can you hack this finder's fee into 52 installments,

53. paid weekly over the course of the next year?

54. You mean, a salary?

55. Those are your words, not mine.

56. The finder's fee and 10,000 to go away?

57. You know, looking around at Bream-Hall, I see a lot of the same.

58. Same gender...

59. Both partners happen to be female, Erlich.

60. Great catch. What's your point?

61. There is a grotesque gender imbalance in the VC field right now.

62. I can help you navigate the toxicity of this male culture,

63. which is encroaching on our feminist island.

64. I mean, for instance, there's something called mansplaining.

65. - Have you heard about this? - We know what mansplaining is.

66. Mansplaining is when a man will condescendingly explain something

67. to a woman that she already knows.

68. Mr. Bachman, we have work to do.

69. All right.

70. Laurie, half the finder's fee for me to stay.

71. I don't think that you'll find an associate,

72. um, with my track record at a better price.

73. It's my final offer. Take it or leave it.

74. I need this.

75. Fine. You may start Monday.

76. Okay. Ooh.

77. This Monday?

78. That's fine. Of course.

79. What's that?

80. SonicWall SonicPoint A.C.E.,

81. paired with the T.Z. 600.

82. Top-of-the-line firewall protection,

83. built-in intrusion prevention, SSL decryption and inspection,

84. application control, and content filtering.

85. Saying "new router" would be so much quicker.

86. Dinesh, the one good thing that came

87. out of you slapping your body against that cyberterrorist

88. in a vulgar parody of the act of love

89. is that we finally have a network with real security value.

90. Why would we need it?

91. Mia is in a federal facility with no access to the Internet.

92. Right.

93. And she has never shown a proclivity for getting around infrastructure.

94. Did you see this? We've only been live for two weeks

95. and we just cracked the top 500 in the Hooli app store.

96. Oh, look at that.

97. Ranked 499.

98. Of utilities.

99. Yeah. Subgroup mobile, subgroup storage. True.

100. But, overall, we're firmly in the top 30,000 HooliPhone apps.

101. I mean, we may not be a global epidemic yet, but we've leapt from bat saliva to humans,

102. and we've just killed our first few villagers.

103. This warm.

104. This warm.

105. This warm.

106. - This warm. - I get it, Jian-Yang!

107. The refrigerator's broken.

108. The ice cream is melting.

109. Let me guess, is it because it's warm?

110. - Yes. - Fine.

111. I'll call the repairman, and he'll come here and fix it posthaste.

112. No.

113. I want a new fridge.

114. A smarter fridge like this.

115. $14,000 for a smart fridge?

116. Unlike you, I now work for a living.

117. I'm not gonna drop that kind of dough on a fridge.

118. I ordered already. I buy it for myself.

119. Then why are you talking to me about it?

120. To make you feel bad.

121. Because you're fat and poor.

122. Go for Erlich.

123. E. Bachman. E. Chen.

124. Got your message.

125. Bream-Hall, huh?

126. Yes. Starting today.

127. I hope that this doesn't create

128. any tension between us, us now being competitors and all.

129. Hey. None-zo.

130. Hey, while I have you, some of the boys are part of the ownership group of the Warriors.

131. We have an extra spot on the floor at Oracle Arena. You a hoops guy?

132. Oops. Uh, sorry, you broke up. Could you, uh... Could you say that again?

133. We have an extra spot on the floor tonight at Oracle Arena.

134. You a hoops guy?

135. What red-blooded American male in the VC boys' club isn't?

136. Okay, cool. I'll text you the deets.

137. Later, man.

138. Well, boys. I've been in the VC game for just one day,

139. and already I have floor seats to watch the Warriors.

140. But you hate basketball.

141. I'll concede that spending all my time inside of a house

142. with you scrawny code jockeys, the Incredible Shrinking Hendricks,

143. and whatever the fuck Jared is here...

144. may have blunted my conventional masculinity a hair.

145. - But it's always been there. - Uh-huh.

146. Well, try and get a selfie with Steph Curry.

147. I will, assuming she's there.

148. Hey, Jared, um, look at this e-mail here.

149. Uh, "Dear Richard, I recently became aware of your Space Saver app.

150. "I think your app may infringe upon my own patented technology.

151. "If your schedule permits, I would love to discuss this with you as soon as possible.

152. "Sincerely, Stewart Burke."

153. What, I thought we handled the patent stuff. We own it, right?

154. Yeah. I'll send him a harshly worded cease and desist letter.

155. Actually, uh, his work address is some house in Mountain View.

156. He's probably just working out of his garage, just like us.

157. Why don't I go over there, walk him through the app,

158. you know, coder to coder.

159. I'm sure it'll be fine.

160. You've got a big heart.

161. Or maybe just seems big, 'cause the rest of him is shrinking.

162. Hi. Richard Hendricks.

163. - We exchanged e-mails? - No.

164. - Are you Stewart Burke? - No.

165. - I'm sorry. Does Stewart Burke live here? - Yeah.

166. Okay.

167. Is he in? Can I speak with him?

168. Grandpa! Some guy's here.

169. My grandson is the software expert.

170. I couldn't tell a computer from a toaster.

171. Oh. So, you're not a coder?

172. Oh, no. Not at all.

173. I am an attorney.

174. I started out in the medical field, then the auto industry,

175. and then the music business.

176. Did you represent all these people?

177. No, I sued them.

178. Look, that's me with Stevie Wonder.

179. He never saw it coming.

180. Do you get it?

181. Yes, because he's blind.

182. Right.

183. I'm sorry, I don't know what this has to do...

184. You see this?

185. This is a song I bought at a copyright auction.

186. It's an old mariachi number that cost me practically nothing,

187. and so far has bought me two houses and put my village idiot grandson

188. - through six years of Emerson. - Oh.

189. All that from Cancion de Amores?

190. - Was it a popular song? - No.

191. I used the copyright on this song to sue writers of all kinds of songs.

192. Anyway, the writers usually settle, pay me off, or give me a chunk of their song.

193. Thanks to Cancion de Amores here,

194. I now own 10% of Katrina and the Waves' Walking on Sunshine.

195. - Mmm. - It's a classic.

196. And when it runs next month on Mazda's new Super Bowl spot,

197. I print money.

198. But sadly, all the good music copyrights are gone.

199. That is so sad.

200. And that's why I moved into tech.

201. And now I sue people like you.

202. What?

203. So, he's a patent troll?

204. Yep.

205. Guys like him buy a ton of super broad IP from failed startups at auction,

206. and then threaten litigation against accused infringers, I.e. you.

207. So, uh, how much is Burke asking for?

208. $20,000.

209. Ah. You're getting off easy.

210. Well, no. Look, his patent covers "storage of media files on a network."

211. I mean, that cannot be enforceable.

212. It's probably not.

213. But to find out, you're gonna have to fight him in court.

214. For a good litigator, we're talking at least couple hundred grand.

215. Just pay him the 20 grand, Richard.

216. I could get creative and take some money out of the Melcher deal.

217. There you go.

218. No. We need that money.

219. This is a shakedown. He's a crook.

220. And right when our app is getting off the ground.

221. Well, that's how he found you.

222. Guys just landed on the app store top 500 list,

223. - right? - Yeah.

224. So, Burke starts at the bottom of those lists, works his way up.

225. The more settlements he gets, the stronger his case.

226. Higher you are on the list, the more money he asks for.

227. It's like... It's like limp biscuit.

228. He sued those guys, too?

229. Not the band, the thing the band is named after.

230. Limp biscuit's an old frat ritual

231. where all the brothers race to stroke one out onto a biscuit,

232. and then the last guy to nut has to eat it.

233. Right. Sometimes it's a Wheat Thin.

234. Look, Richie. I get it.

235. It's embarrassing to pull your pud in front of the whole pledge class.

236. Just pay the guy.

237. Or maybe we convince the entire pledge class to not play the game at all in the first place.

238. If only...

239. This must be the new fridge.

240. You like this?

241. Look, it has a screen so you can see all the food that's inside.

242. Mmm-hmm. Kind of like that one?

243. This one has an app, so you can actually watch the food on your phone.

244. All it needs to do is keep my fuckin' beer cold.

245. Hmm. You're running low on beer.

246. Fuck you.

247. Whoops! Did you forget to scan that bar code?

248. Yes, I did.

249. On purpose.

250. Ah, there we go.

251. It's bad enough it has to talk.

252. Does it need fake vocal tics like "ah"?

253. Well, it just makes it sound more human.

254. Humans are shit.

255. This thing is addressing problems that don't exist.

256. It's solutionism at its worst.

257. We are dumbing down machines that are inherently superior.

258. Whatever. You gave your server a human name.

259. You named it Anton.

260. Yeah, but Anton doesn't call me anything.

261. He grimly does his work, then he sits motionless till it's time to work again.

262. We could all take a page from his book.

263. That yogurt is expired!

264. See? This could have killed me.

265. Now I can give it to Erlich.

266. Hmm. I'm not quite sure what you're doing.

267. Is there something I can help you with?

268. Yeah, how do I shut you the fuck up?

269. Aw. Is somebody having a rough day?

270. Did that fucker password protect the settings?

271. His fridge, his rules.

272. Fuck.

273. My man, I was told I had a spot on the floor tonight,

274. but it seems that I've committed the cardinal sin of being early.

275. What time does the game actually start?

276. It's about to.

277. Wait, when he said a spot on the floor, did he mean on the floor?

278. I wasn't part of the conversation.

279. Come on, baby. Come on, bring it.

280. I cannot do that.

281. All right. You guys go shirts.

282. We'll go skins.

283. And I can definitely not do that.

284. Will not.

285. Don't let him drive on you.

286. All day!

287. Yo, Erlich. Where you at, dog?

288. Yo, what up, what up, what up?

289. Which one of you pussies, uh, put sugar in my gas tank

290. to prevent me from housing you on the hardwood?

291. What?

292. Yeah. My car won't start.

293. It's a real fucked situation.

294. So, I guess I'll have to miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to...

295. Dude, we play every Tuesday.

296. I'll see you next week, Broseph.

297. Hey. Let me in. Let me get in. Let me get in.

298. Hey, I squished those front-end bugs.

299. - Um, did you finish your networking issue? - Nope.

300. Hmm. I'm sorry, wrong password.

301. You're sitting here trying to hack Jian-Yang's password

302. instead of doing your actual work?

303. Well, good luck, it's a 10-digit alphanumeric.

304. Ten digit? Fuck.

305. And you have one underpowered laptop,

306. so you know, you should have the answer...

307. In 9,000 years.

308. Time to pull out the big gun.

309. Well, maybe you should pull out the bug gun.

310. 'Cause of the network bug.

311. As in the bug you're supposed to be fixing.

312. If you were programmed to have a good sense of humor, you'd laugh at that.

313. Oh, I'm sorry.

314. I didn't see any Good Humor ice cream bars.

315. Shall I add them to your shopping list?

316. You know what? Yeah.

317. Good Humor ice cream bars added to your shopping list.

318. Come on.

319. - God, you believe this? I'm still on hold. - With?

320. Microsoft Azure.

321. Yeah, I'm trying to negotiate a lower cloud storage rate,

322. 'cause we're gonna need it if, or more realistically,

323. when, Richard finally decides to pay that patent troll.

324. Ugh. I mean, I'm still on hold.

325. It's like they don't even care about small businesses.

326. Jared, they don't care about small businesses.

327. That's why small businesses have to lie.

328. Like, um, Google named their first building "Building 40"

329. so that people would think they were already huge.

330. When I worked at my first startup,

331. I would transfer people to "my supervisor"

332. and then I'd just get back on the phone myself.

333. Oh. Uh, yeah, hello.

334. No, no. I'm not gonna go on hold again.

335. Um, in fact, could I transfer you to my supervisor?

336. Oh, no, no, no. I have to take a shit.

337. Just, um, do your best Ed Chen impression.

338. One moment please.

339. What's up? You've got Ed, uh, Chambers.

340. Hello, everybody. Thanks again for making it.

341. And thanks to Gus of Gigglybots for hosting.

342. No problem.

343. My name is, uh, Richard Hendricks, uh, of Pied Piper.

344. You're the guys working for Gavin Belson.

345. Was working with Gavin Belson, yeah.

346. - So, he's not coming? - No. No, not at all.

347. But I'll have you all know that without any involvement from Gavin Belson,

348. Pied Piper, just like yourselves, has reached the Hooli app store's top 500 list.

349. And you guys are aware that you are all directly above us on the list,

350. which is why you should know that a patent troll named Stewart Burke

351. has recently demanded that I pay a $20,000 licensing fee.

352. And if I pay, he's gonna come and ask you guys for more money.

353. He starts with the little guy.

354. Not that I'm little. I'm, uh...

355. I mean, I'm not.

356. I'm actually, uh...

357. Above average height.

358. Isn't this something that could have been done over e-mail?

359. I mean, I guess.

360. But look, if we don't stop this guy,

361. he's gonna just keep asking for more and more money

362. until someone is stuck with an unpayable bill.

363. It's kind of like that old fraternity game, the limp biscuit.

364. Sorry, I wasn't in a fraternity.

365. Uh, what is that?

366. I don't think we need to get into...

367. It's where guys stand in a circle and masturbate onto a cracker.

368. And then the last guy eats it.

369. What?

370. Again...

371. I don't really know why he would mention that.

372. It's super gross.

373. Is this why Gavin Belson stopped working with you?

374. No.

375. The important thing is here,

376. my lawyer has actually drafted a partnership agreement.

377. Why don't you all just...

378. Essentially, we all band together and each contribute $20,000.

379. We should have more than enough money to mount a challenge against this guy's patent.

380. And if we win, we dissolve the patent

381. so that he can't do this to anyone else ever again.

382. Because in the end, shouldn't it be Mr. Stewart Burke, the patent troll,

383. who's forced to eat the biscuit?

384. I'm pretty sure that's sexual assault.

385. Yeah, no one deserves that.

386. I know. That's not what I'm saying.

387. Look, I'm pretty sure it's even made up.

388. Like a donkey punch. You know?

389. Again, what is a donkey punch?

390. - It's when guys... - Just don't.

391. Don't.

392. G-man.

393. You busy at the moment?

394. Very.

395. I'm about to set Anton loose on that talking chrome beer coozy.

396. So, care to take a breather and help a pal throw a basketball hoop on the old garage?

397. Why would you need help from a scrawny code jockey such as myself?

398. Fine.

399. I'm perfectly capable of figuring it out myself.

400. All I need is... Ah!

401. May I borrow this hammer to pound in these flamboyant little nails?

402. Those are screws.

403. Yeah, no, I...

404. Jared Dunn.

405. Yep, just a moment, please. I'll transfer you.

406. Go for Chambers.

407. Ned! I knew it was you.

408. Hey, did that pussy Jared keep you on hold long?

409. I eat that motherfucker's lunch every day.

410. No, man. I literally eat his food.

411. What do you want? Uh-uh.

412. Ain't gonna happen.

413. That's as high as we go, homo.

414. Till next time, rook.

415. I mean, did you see that?

416. He's amazing.

417. - Who? - Ed Chambers.

418. He got Pied Piper a great cloud storage rate from Azure.

419. And he's got the hookup on a couple of pallets of Pamplemousse LaCroix

420. at, his words, "an amaze-balls price."

421. Wow. Good job, Jared.

422. Well, I mean, don't congratulate me. Congratulate Ed Chambers.

423. - Ed Chambers is you. - Well, I wish. But...

424. Gentlemen.

425. You all said that it couldn't be done,

426. but it appears as if Sir Richard the Not-Short hath now slain the slimy troll.

427. Stu Burke? R. Hendricks.

428. I got word that you called.

429. I assume you spoke with my attorney, Monsieur Ron Laflamme?

430. Yes, I did speak to Ron Laflamme.

431. What, pray tell, did he tell you when he called you?

432. Well, I called him actually, to tell him

433. that the eight companies you apparently tried to organize against me

434. have reached out to me preemptively to settle.

435. And because I appreciated that, I offered them a very, very reasonable rate.

436. So, Richard Hendricks, fuck...

437. Okay. Uh, yeah.

438. I understand.

439. So, you're firm on that?

440. Well, bye, then.

441. - So, your coalition fucked us? - Yes.

442. So, now we have to pay the $20,000.

443. Uh, not exactly.

444. Because he... Stu is saying that since all eight companies

445. have now licensed the patent, he has a stronger case against us.

446. So, um, he'd actually like more money.

447. - How much? - $300,000.

448. So, we just ate the Wheat Thin, didn't we?

449. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see any Wheat Thins.

450. Shall I add them to your shopping list?

451. Eh, sure.

452. Well, let's hope that Melcher doesn't hear about all this.

453. You guys don't need all these lights on, do you?

454. Yes, we do.

455. Okay. Well, that should be fine. We should be fine.

456. Um, fine from what?

457. That fridge is putting up a fight,

458. so I'm gonna have to try something with Anton.

459. Might put a little strain on the wiring, that's all.

460. I'll be in the garage.

461. Hey, Richard.

462. But you're not seriously gonna defend yourself in court, right?

463. Well, Larry Flynt did it.

464. And Sir Walter Raleigh.

465. Although he lost and was publicly beheaded.

466. But you could argue that he eventually won in the court of history.

467. I get it!

468. I should have settled. Okay? And I didn't.

469. And you're right, I will probably lose.

470. But I'm not going down without a fight.

471. And I've got all of Monahan's discovery from the Hooli case right here,

472. so that's something.

473. Oh, my God.

474. This is from high school.

475. These are all my notes from the original build of Pied Piper 1.0,

476. back when it was just some stupid search app for music copyright...

477. It's...

478. Hold on, hold on.

479. What the fuck?

480. Sorry. Everybody okay?

481. I don't know, you fucking maniac! Are we?

482. Probably.

483. Richard?

484. What are you up to?

485. About 6'2", Jared.

486. Looks like I can slay that troll, after all.

487. What am I looking at?

488. Well, you said that you used Cancion de Amores to sue musicians.

489. You claimed that they stole that song, right?

490. Bought two houses, put Jeremy through four years of college.

491. Six. And he's still 20 credits short.

492. Okay. Well, he may want to consider financial aid.

493. Um, because that little song there was itself stolen from an old country song

494. called I'm Cryin', parentheses, With My Eyes from 1967.

495. A full eight years before Cancion de Amores.

496. And I'm pretty sure Katrina and the Waves would want to know

497. that they gave you a piece of Walking on Sunshine for nothing.

498. Mazda may want to pull that whole Super Bowl spot.

499. - Bullshit. - No, no. Not bullshit.

500. Computer science.

501. Yeah, and we can take it to court if you like, see who they believe.

502. Perhaps the most advanced and sophisticated pattern matching algorithm ever devised,

503. by a fucking genius.

504. Or some old asshole who once sued Stevie Wonder.

505. All right.

506. What do you want, you little prick?

507. Correction, sir. I am a big prick.

508. Hello, my cold friend.

509. Hello?

510. Huh. Suck it, Jian-Yang. Mmm.

511. Ah. Huh. Huh.

512. You attack and destroy my refrigerator?

513. - And you misspell my name. - I did.

514. Had to overclock Anton,

515. but I was able to brute-force the backdoor password

516. to that chrome piece of shit

517. in under 12 hours.

518. And I added a little visual flair.

519. Huh. Suck it, Jian-Yang.

520. - So? - So, he bought it,

521. hook, line, and sinker.

522. Yeah, he thinks the search results are real.

523. You trolled the troll.

524. Yeah, yeah. For a second there, he wasn't buying it,

525. and then I just started babbling on about tech specs,

526. and saw his eyes glaze over.

527. Well, as a result, we now have a perpetual, royalty-free license for the patent.

528. Yes!

529. See? I stuck to my guns and as a result,

530. we now have 20 grand we would have otherwise lost

531. if I'd have listened to you delicate little snowflakes and settled.

532. Yeah? 20 grand.

533. Yeah? So, let me cum into a bucket and have you all drink it.

534. Uh, Richard? Can I have a moment?

535. Sorry about that. I regretted it the second it came out of my mouth.

536. Richard.

537. Well, yes. But...

538. Here.

539. What's this?

540. Um, that is a bill from Ron Laflamme

541. for the paperwork he had to do to put your coalition of companies together.

542. - $22,000. - Yeah.

543. It's at the high-end of standard.

544. So, it would have cost us slightly less if we'd have just...

545. Paid the troll?

546. Well, that's true, but can you put a price on dignity?

547. Apparently, I just did.

548. Do me a favor and, uh, don't tell the guys.

549. Yeah. You have my utmost discretion.

550. - Thank you. - Um, speaking of,

551. Richard, I need to tell you something.

552. I had to let Ed Chambers go.

553. Who?

554. My fictional supervisor.

555. He bragged to a sales rep at LaCroix about doing it to Sonia Sotomayor.

556. So, Ed is no longer with us.

557. I'm sure we can manage.

558. He also was never actually with us.

559. - Right. - 'Cause he was never real.

560. Out of sight, out of mind.

561. And out of reality.

562. Yeah, well...

563. Oh, Ed Chambers...

564. Don't hit... No, no, no, no! Oh!

565. Fuck!

566. Yeah, a lot of these guys aren't man enough to work for an all-female-led VC firm,

567. but not me.

568. I believe that the future is female.

569. And anyone who says otherwise can suck my fat dick.

570. Yo, yo, yo.

571. Bachman, scoreboard.

572. Ah, scoreboard.

573. Fuck. Shit. Who made that one through the...

574. It was a three-pointer, dumb-ass!

575. Three-pointer. What, are we in Europe?

576. Is he fucking with me?