Silicon Valley 4x1

1. Oh, no, I'll get my car tomorrow. I had too many.

2. Got an Uber coming, thank you.

3. That was fast.

4. - Hello. For Jim? - Yup.

5. Oh, uh... Would you care for a water?

6. Why are your fingers orange?

7. It's iodine. I've been biting my nails.

8. So, I put this on there to stop me from doing it.

9. Looks like Cheetos, tastes like asshole.

10. So, uh, what do you do?

11. Venture capital over at Wood Opal.

12. Wow.

13. Wow. Good.

14. Uh, can I take this?

15. Sure.

16. All right.

17. Hello. Hi.

18. My goodness. This video chat app is light-years ahead

19. of anything else out there on the market.

20. I agree. Yes.

21. And you can add multiple concurrent users

22. with no loss in picture quality.

23. Even on conventional 3G.

24. Let's see what happens when we add more friends.

25. Hi, friends. What's up?

26. Hello, "friend."

27. Hey. Should we add another friend?

28. Yeah, we should.

29. How many friends can we conference at the same time?

30. Well, uh, thanks to the amazing new

31. TURN server, as many as you like.

32. But what if someone is in an area with poor cellular reception?

33. I doubt it would even work.

34. And if it did, the lag, the video quality, that would be horrible.

35. Well, let's find out.

36. Could you keep your eyes on the road, please?

37. Yep, yep. Got it. I'm on it.

38. Hey, friends. Wow, look at that. The image is so clear.

39. We all look amazing, don't we?

40. - Yeah, we really do. - Yeah.

41. Is that really just on a cell signal?

42. Yes, this is the amazing new company, PiperChat.

43. Wait a minute.

44. I saw you at TechCrunch.

45. You're Richard Hendricks.

46. The very same, yeah.

47. You're the fucking guy that tried to walk into

48. Coleman Blair with fraudulent numbers.

49. No.

50. - That was actually my fault. - Yes, but, no.

51. I mean, that's the old thing. This is the new thing.

52. And I can assure you, it's very, very real.

53. You're not even my driver. This says Sandeep in an Escalade.

54. - Shit. - Look. Look.

55. No one will even talk to us, which is crazy.

56. We just surpassed 120,000 daily active users,

57. and we're growing at a rate of 18% organically week over week.

58. Richard, that's Facebook level growth.

59. - Pull over now. - That is great.

60. Richard, do not pull over.

61. You will never see him again if he gets out of that car.

62. - I am not involved! - Richard, can you hear me?

63. Okay, for real, Richard, you have to pull over.

64. Richard, do not... Richard...

65. Richard, do not pull over, you'll never see him again.

66. - Are you on the shitter? - Pull the fuck over.

67. Pull over.

68. - Richard! - Okay.

69. What the fuck? Are you seriously trying to kidnap me right now?

70. No, it's the locks. I don't know. This is not my car.

71. Child locks are on.

72. I was babysitting my friend Gloria's great granddaughter.

73. Richard, do not pull over!

74. - God damn it! - Got it.

75. Look, look, look. Look. Come on.

76. Listen to me. We are desperate. We need funding.

77. - You need funding? - Yes.

78. Hit a million daily active users

79. while sustaining the same kind of growth.

80. Then everybody in town will be trying to kidnap you.

81. Problem solved.

82. Yeah, easy for you to say.

83. Can you imagine how much these servers are costing me?

84. - Just to keep the ship afloat? - Right.

85. And every new user increases our server cost.

86. Really? I'm sorry.

87. Is it hard to become a billionaire?

88. Welcome to the Valley, assholes.

89. - Fuck. - What a dick.

90. Well, assuming we don't get arrested,

91. looks like we have to work our asses off to reduce our hosting bill.

92. - Hi. - Hi.

93. If you actually get to a million users,

94. call me, my cell's on the back.

95. Okay.

96. Did you finish?

97. Yeah, I just pushed my code.

98. Took me two fucking days, but I broke up

99. our entire code base into parallel services.

100. You know, this whole job would have been a lot easier

101. if you hadn't designed sloppy services in the first place.

102. Oh, silly me.

103. I guess when I hacked together the video chat as an in-house tool,

104. I didn't foresee that hundreds of thousands of people

105. would shit themselves over how fucking awesome it was.

106. I'll never underestimate my talents again.

107. Don't worry. I'll continue to do it for you.

108. Less talk, more work, boys.

109. I'm not paying you to coffee klatch

110. like a bunch of fucking yentas.

111. You're not paying us at all.

112. I'm not paying you

113. because you're not the one getting fucked

114. face first by your credit card company

115. because of massive AWS hosting fees.

116. Well, you should bear 100% of the company's cost,

117. seeing as you do own 100% of the company.

118. What's taking you so long to give us our fucking shares?

119. Recapping a company is complex.

120. But I assure you Big Head and I are on the case.

121. You better be. We're not gonna work for free forever.

122. Hey, the Karachi Kid and I finished.

123. Did you push your code?

124. Actually, no.

125. Well, Your Highness, could you please push your code?

126. Well, I couldn't push that code

127. because I didn't write that code.

128. What? We stayed up for two fucking days.

129. Why didn't you write your code?

130. Well, because I was working on something much better.

131. So, I started to optimize our code to handle higher...

132. You're supposed to follow me.

133. I started to optimize our code to handle higher traffic.

134. Then it occurred to me, why rewrite our old code

135. when I can build a new encoder

136. that doesn't strip away a ton of channels and metadata?

137. So, I extended my compression algorithm to support, get this,

138. 12-bit color.

139. Okay, so our users will be able to experience

140. a 10% increase in image quality

141. with absolutely no increase in server load whatsoever.

142. Just watch this.

143. Before.

144. After. Before. After.

145. Richard, I'm trying very hard not to completely lose my shit right now.

146. I get it. I get it.

147. After every VC in town turned us down,

148. we decided

149. that the best way to stay alive

150. until we got to a million users

151. was to cut server usage.

152. Remember that?

153. The whole reason that Gilfoyle and I

154. stayed up for 48 fucking straight hours

155. was to decrease server load,

156. not keep it the same.

157. Technically, the reason why we stayed up for two days

158. was to maximize our ability to get a million users,

159. and I just did that.

160. Because who doesn't want 10% better image quality?

161. Who doesn't want it? Everyone.

162. Everyone doesn't want it!

163. We already have the best video chat.

164. People are using this on their cell phones.

165. They're not going to be able to tell the fucking difference.

166. Guys, this is a better product.

167. And I'm the CEO, and I'm gonna say this is where we go.

168. - You fucking prick. - Whoa.

169. Guys, please be civil.

170. You hate the video chat.

171. I don't hate the video chat, Dinesh.

172. You've always hated the video chat because it's my thing,

173. and you want to rewrite it to make it all about you.

174. You're fucking jealous.

175. Jealous?

176. - Jealous? - Yeah.

177. You built the video chat. I'll give you that. Okay. You did.

178. But you did it using my algorithm.

179. Right, like when Picasso painted a masterpiece,

180. the guy who made the brushes and the paint

181. deserved all the credit, right?

182. So you're Picasso now?

183. I think I need to leave.

184. But I love you guys.

185. Dinesh, I'm sorry, but I think

186. we should be doing a little bit more with

187. this revolutionary compression algorithm

188. than passable video chat.

189. But we already did more, Richard.

190. It was called the platform.

191. And it was exactly what you wanted to make, and it fucking failed, okay?

192. I'm sorry, but it's bad enough that we can't

193. get any funding because of you.

194. You're killing us out there.

195. Don't also sabotage us in here, too.

196. Pied Piper is a video chat company. Get your head around that.

197. I'm quite certain I've never said this before.

198. I agree with Dinesh.

199. Well...

200. Well, that was just a whole heap of fun.

201. Ordinarily, I loathe coming to China.

202. But when you close a deal like that,

203. it makes the whole trip a delight.

204. Champagne, gentlemen?

205. I think that's very much in order.

206. I know you don't toot your own horn. So I'll do it for you.

207. Here's to you, Jack.

208. And to your Hooli/EndFrame box

209. becoming the most successful American data storage appliance

210. to ever be manufactured in China.

211. Toot, toot.

212. Watch your back, Jeff Bezos.

213. Here comes Hooli.

214. All right. Gentlemen.

215. Our flight today from Shanghai to Moffett Field in Mountain View

216. will be just over 11 hours. So, if you'll just...

217. Actually, I was headed up to Jackson Hole, see the wife and kids.

218. I was gonna charter up tomorrow, but maybe

219. you could ask the boys just to drop me off on the way?

220. - Save me the trouble? - Of course.

221. Well, and I mean, it's really not a big deal, but since we are headed east,

222. I think Jackson is further.

223. Maybe we'll head to Moffett first,

224. then have the guys hop you on to Jackson.

225. - Okay? - Okay.

226. Well, actually, on flights like this,

227. the boys like to go over the Pole.

228. So that, technically, is a little more north to south,

229. and Jackson is quite a bit further north,

230. so I think maybe just go to Jackson first, then head on off to Moffett.

231. - That sound good? - Of course.

232. Great.

233. Get a pillow.

234. Now, you know what we desperately need

235. is a palapa.

236. A ploppa?

237. A palapa.

238. It's a Mexican structure with palm fronds.

239. It's essentially a gazebo,

240. but spicier, and with a south-of-the-border kind of vibe.

241. I think it would make us feel less exposed,

242. and generally, I think it would be good for morale.

243. Speaking of which, morale has not

244. exactly been skyrocketing, so...

245. We need to get this cap table done tout de suite.

246. Richard and the fellows are entitled to 40% of the company.

247. Now, if we each give 20%, we would still own

248. 30% each.

249. That seems fair.

250. Seems totally fair to me.

251. - Dad? - Nope.

252. Not gonna happen.

253. Mr. Bighetti, with all due respect...

254. If you had any respect, you wouldn't have

255. talked my son into wasting his money.

256. Again. My son's not giving up one share. Not now, not ever.

257. Mr. Bighetti, if you're going to control your son's board seat,

258. these decisions have to be unanimous.

259. You're going to kill this company if we...

260. I don't care.

261. In my eyes, the company is already dead.

262. Killed by you.

263. That's my edge.

264. If all I accomplish by doing this is making you as miserable

265. as you've made me watching you fleece my son,

266. then I'm okay with that.

267. He seems okay with that.

268. So you expect me to give the 40%

269. to the gents from my 50%, effectively leaving me with 10%?

270. Yes.

271. No. No, no, no.

272. Then I would have invested 500...

273. A half of a million dollars just to end up where I started?

274. Unacceptable.

275. I can accept that.

276. I'm going to bed.

277. Goodnight, brown bear.

278. Love you, papa bear.

279. Goddamn motherfucker.

280. I mean, the guys are right.

281. I'm fucking up the company. I'm not helping.

282. In any way.

283. You're certainly not helping your cuticles by biting on them.

284. Your nail beds are gonna get infected.

285. Where'd you learn how to do this, anyway?

286. Oh, uh, when I was on the street, it was a means of survival.

287. I don't know. This is...

288. I mean, I almost killed us, the company. And that is so selfish.

289. I mean, if we have to hit a million users,

290. I need to get us funding right now.

291. How? We've already been turned down

292. by every respectable VC in town.

293. Who said anything about respectable?

294. Oh, Richard, no.

295. Fuck yes, I want to talk business. What's the play?

296. Let's fuck this thing right in the pussy.

297. Thanks for meeting me here. My fucking nanny got another DUI

298. and lost her license.

299. So now I'm stuck picking up my own kid like an asshole.

300. So, what's up?

301. Well, I know you wanted to buy Erlich's Pied Piper shares

302. back in the previous iteration, the platform.

303. Well, I was hoping you'd want to come on as

304. a follow-on investor for the current platform.

305. - The video chat? - Yeah.

306. It's got great tech. We're growing like crazy.

307. In fact, that's why we need funding, to keep up with the users.

308. And I think it could be really good, if we could just keep it going.

309. No, you don't.

310. What?

311. You don't like it.

312. You don't believe in this product you're selling.

313. Russ...

314. No, it's a good, sound business.

315. As I said, the tech is great, and all the guys are really behind it.

316. But you're not behind it, Richard. I can tell.

317. And as much as you want to be, you're not.

318. Look, it's like this.

319. You're trying to date a woman.

320. But deep down in your heart, you know you're gay.

321. Deep in your soul, you know you would rather be plowing a dude.

322. I don't...

323. Okay, what dude?

324. It could be any dude, as long as you really want to fuck him.

325. It could be a twink, a bear, an otter, a circuit queen,

326. a chub, a pup, gipster, a daddy chaser,

327. a leatherman, a ladyboy, a Donald Duck.

328. Donald Duck's a gay guy that's been kicked out of the Navy.

329. How do you know so many gay things?

330. My grandfather just came out of the closet. Beautiful, very inspiring.

331. Look, the point is,

332. if you're gonna spend all day fucking,

333. shouldn't Pied Piper be a dude you wanna fuck?

334. All right, let's do an exercise.

335. You've got unlimited time and resources,

336. you can build anything in the world you want

337. with your compression, anything at all.

338. What's it gonna be? Three, two, one, go!

339. - Russ, I don't... - Go, go, go!

340. You said I have unlimited time?

341. Now, now, now!

342. A new Internet.

343. What? Why?

344. Okay, well, I haven't really thought this through, so...

345. Um...

346. Okay.

347. - I own a telescope. - Of course you do.

348. And I brought it out one night to look at the full moon.

349. Of course you did.

350. And I got to thinking,

351. "Wow. We put a man on the moon

352. "using the computing power of a handheld calculator."

353. And then I thought,

354. "Okay, there's literally millions of times'

355. "more computing power in my phone,

356. "and that's just sitting in my pocket doing nothing, right?"

357. So then I thought, "There's, what,

358. "billions of phones all around the world

359. "with the same computing power,

360. "just sitting in people's pockets."

361. So then I thought,

362. "What if we use all those phones to build a massive network?"

363. And here's the kicker.

364. We use my compression algorithm

365. to make everything small and efficient to move things around.

366. And if we could do it,

367. we could build a completely decentralized

368. version of our current Internet.

369. With no firewalls, no tolls, no government regulation, no spying.

370. Information would be totally free in every sense of the word.

371. You want to build a new Internet?

372. Yeah, it's...

373. Richard, I like it. That I would fund.

374. Well, I don't know if it's possible, and...

375. Look, if this new Internet is the man of your dreams,

376. and this is the man that you want to fuck,

377. then you need to fuck him.

378. That man, I will pay you to fuck.

379. Where the fuck is that kid?

380. Wait a minute.

381. Oh, shit.

382. They kicked us out of this place.

383. I'm at the wrong fucking school!

384. Richard, you find that man, fuck him good.

385. Careful, please. He's gonna peel out.

386. Monica, I need to...

387. - You're not... - Monica?

388. No, thank God.

389. I'm Ed Chen.

390. Laurie put me in the good office

391. and moved Monica down the hall.

392. Way down the hall.

393. Okay. Sorry.

394. You're gonna listen to Russ Hanneman?

395. Richard, you sound like a crazy person.

396. I know, but Russ is right.

397. I mean, I hate the video chat. I really do.

398. What?

399. Oh, wow. You can see right into the...

400. Yeah, I'm very aware.

401. Laurie is punishing me for taking your side and going against her.

402. So, she moved me down here,

403. and gave my office to that little brownnosing shit, Ed Chen.

404. Anyway, Richard, you're not gonna seriously

405. go home and tell the guys in your company

406. that even though your user rates

407. are skyrocketing, that you wanna pivot?

408. For the past 48 hours, I've been trying

409. to rewrite the core video chat code,

410. and I literally can't.

411. Instead of typing, I just bite my fingernails.

412. I think, subconsciously,

413. I would rather bite my own fingers off than work on this platform.

414. Richard, I know people who have spent

415. their entire careers chasing after an app

416. with this kind of growth rate, and never hit it.

417. It's a really good product.

418. That may be, but it's not for me.

419. And look, I know these guys are my friends,

420. but they are also my employees.

421. And it's my company.

422. So, if I say we have to pivot, we pivot.

423. Okay. I have to go.

424. All right, well, if you're sure,

425. then tell them and then call me and tell...

426. Well, no, I have to go...

427. There's another men's room on the fourth floor.

428. Right. 'Cause then you would have seen mine twice.

429. I mean, we're all thinking it, right?

430. Richard is fucking with a product that is working.

431. He should not be the CEO of this company.

432. I understand your concerns, but is this the time that we fire Richard?

433. I mean, is this the moment that I become the CEO?

434. You? Why you?

435. It's a simple process of elimination.

436. Gilfoyle is an anarchist,

437. would never accept a position of authority in any official organization.

438. - None. - And you, of course, are out of the picture

439. because Gilfoyle would never allow it.

440. Yeah, that's true.

441. And Jared, he'd sooner commit hari-kari

442. than replace little baby Richard.

443. So, that leaves me.

444. And honestly, gents, who would you rather have

445. defending your 4% stake in the company than...

446. - Five. - What?

447. 5%.

448. You said four. Was it...

449. - Or you said three, and then you had... - No.

450. - It's five. - Five.

451. You know what, I'm gonna back channel, look at some notes.

452. And we'll get to it.

453. In the meantime, if and when we are to depose Richard,

454. I am his obvious heir.

455. Erlich, no offense, but the board is you, Richard, and my dad. Right?

456. So, I think that means you and my dad

457. would have to agree on who replaces Richard,

458. and pretty sure my dad would, like, never approve you.

459. - I mean, it's just not gonna happen. - Thank you.

460. Yeah.

461. There is someone else.

462. Someone who has zero strikes against him.

463. Someone who has held high-level positions

464. at one of the biggest tech companies in the Valley.

465. Someone who's been on the cover

466. of one of the most prestigious tech publications in the world.

467. He sounds awesome. Could we get him?

468. And as of now, we've got the votes

469. of enough key Malaysian ministers

470. to proceed with construction.

471. But that support is time critical.

472. Carol is right. We'd have to break ground before monsoon season,

473. or else the entire project could collapse.

474. So, what do you think?

475. Sorry.

476. - About what? - About the factory.

477. Ah. The factory.

478. The factory.

479. Will you excuse me for a moment?

480. - So, what have you got? - Well, sir, I did as you asked.

481. I flew the company plane to Shanghai,

482. then Moffett, then Jackson Hole.

483. Then I flew back to Shanghai, then to Jackson Hole,

484. then to Moffett, which is where I just landed.

485. And?

486. Moffett is 28.3 minutes closer.

487. I fucking knew it!

488. Barker should have dropped you off first, sir.

489. Wait. What about headwinds or storm activity?

490. I don't want to give him any room to wriggle out of this.

491. This is what I'm gonna need you to do.

492. Fly each leg five more times, and average them.

493. It's the only way to be sure.

494. And we're not concerned with the expense

495. of 20 more private transcontinental flights?

496. Of course we are.

497. Jack Barker is costing the shareholders of this company a fortune,

498. and he must be stopped.

499. I'll go back to Moffett right now.

500. Good. Call me each time you're in Shanghai.

501. - I'll see you in a week. - Yes, sir.

502. - Guys? - Shit, he came in the back.

503. Richard, we need to talk.

504. All right, well, actually, let me just say something first here. Um...

505. I don't think Pied Piper should be a video chat company.

506. The balls on you.

507. Richard, we've all decided.

508. You are out.

509. Big Head is in.

510. Not my call.

511. Richard, we just can't keep fucking pivoting.

512. - We won't do it again. - Just wait for a second, okay?

513. I just... You're not getting it.

514. Please. Uh...

515. I'm quitting.

516. Wait, what?

517. Richard! I was waiting out front.

518. They wanna ambush you and replace you

519. with Big Head, but I had nothing to do with it!

520. Again, not my call.

521. I was ready to fight you guys, but then on the way home,

522. it occurred to me there might be a better way.

523. I'm gonna start my own company.

524. I will give up all of my equity in the video chat

525. if I get to completely own my algorithm.

526. I will grant you guys a perpetual license

527. to use the algorithm in your video chat,

528. but I need the algorithm to build something else.

529. And look, forget a million users,

530. with me out of the company, you guys

531. will be able to raise money no problem.

532. And that way, everybody wins.

533. So we can use the algorithm, free and clear, for video chat?

534. Yes.

535. I mean, we shouldn't even be talking about this.

536. And you would leave behind your 25%,

537. thus giving me enough equity to compensate the boys fairly,

538. and Big Head's father would retain his 50%?

539. I think that's right, yes.

540. And I would own 10% of your new company.

541. Wait, what? Why?

542. The algorithm was developed here in the incubator.

543. Richard, shame on you.

544. Well, deal breaker.

545. Let's... Should we get some food?

546. No, no. That's okay. It's fine.

547. And I'm here for advice,

548. or advice for the new CEO, whoever that may be.

549. To wit, I know it's probably not my place to give this suggestion,

550. but I think it should be Dinesh.

551. - What? - What?

552. - What? - What?

553. - Yeah. Sorry, Big Head. - What?

554. Yeah, Dinesh, you were the one that hacked

555. together the video chat in the first place.

556. You know the product inside and out.

557. You are the horse that I would bet on.

558. - You really think so? - I do.

559. I'm down.

560. Gilfoyle?

561. Gilfoyle, can I please be CEO of Pied Piper?

562. Spoken like a true leader.

563. But since your failure as a leader is a virtual certainty,

564. tolerating your short reign as CEO

565. in exchange for a front row seat to the disaster seems fair.

566. Plus, if I'm wrong, which I'm not, I get rich.

567. So, I'm down with Dinesh.

568. Jared, what do you think about this?

569. I think this is crazy.

570. I left my job at Hooli to come work with you, Richard.

571. And now you're leaving?

572. Look, these guys are gonna need you.

573. So if you wanna support me, you support them.

574. Think you can do that?

575. I've always been very adept at taking the shape

576. of whatever shoe was pressed down upon me.

577. So, I can try to make it work.

578. Then it's settled.

579. Dinesh is the new CEO of Pied Piper.

580. Oh, actually, just one last thing.

581. I think you guys should call yourselves PiperChat.

582. I'm gonna have to insist that I keep the name Pied Piper,

583. and I won't budge on that.

584. - Yeah, that's totally fine. - Okay, yeah.

585. Who gives a shit? It's a terrible fucking name.

586. - That's fine. - Yeah.

587. Let's get to work!

588. Congratulations.

589. So, wait, I don't have to be CEO, right?

590. Dinesh is gonna do that?

591. All right, let's figure out how this gets split up.

592. Let's see, and yeah.

593. - I think we can get 'em all a point, right? - Jared. Go.

594. Go on, man.

595. Get out of here.

596. Dinesh, you'll get 5%.

597. Gilfoyle 5%, and Jared 5%.

598. Yeah, okay, so we all get five, not four.

599. Now you said... You said four?

600. No, five. I said five.

601. Jared, can we get five more engineers?

602. That would come out of Jared's percentage.

603. No...

604. You wanted to see me, Skipper?

605. I did, indeed.

606. Jack, I appreciate everything you've done

607. in your position as head of the Hooli/EndFrame box.

608. But I think the company's needs are better suited

609. if I move you elsewhere.

610. Really?

611. Well, I appreciate the vote of confidence, GB. I mean, I'm flattered.

612. Frankly, little bit surprised.

613. Why would you be surprised?

614. Can you think of any reason why you don't deserve a promotion?

615. I mean, anything at all?

616. Well, I don't want to hurt my arm patting myself on the back,

617. but right off the top of my head...

618. No, I guess not.

619. I mean, you've always been straight with me, right?

620. Straight to the point?

621. I sure have.

622. And you've always gone out of your way for me, yes?

623. Always put me first?

624. Gone the extra mile?

625. Gosh.

626. I sure tried.

627. Did you?

628. All right, Jack. Professor.

629. Gary in HR will set you up.

630. Enjoy your new offices.

631. Thank you, sir.

632. Oh, hey.

633. Would you like to see your desk?

634. Okay.

635. Here it is.

636. This is your desk.