Silicon Valley 3x9

1. Tables.

2. Tables are made so a person can sit down and do something.

3. Or nothing.

4. Any person can sit at a table,

5. and if the table is large enough, many people.

6. To make jokes, eat a meal, tell stories.

7. Tables are for people to be together and share.

8. And that is why tables are like Pied Piper.

9. Grapefruits, postcards, hugs.

10. These are things people share to connect, to become closer.

11. To open up about ideas and things that make us feel alive,

12. like air, ballet, amazing haircuts, weird countries,

13. three-alarm chili, mountains, continents, the Earth, life.

14. Life is beautiful and sad and hopeful and dangerous.

15. So maybe the reason we share so much

16. is because we understand that without sharing,

17. we can't survive.

18. And sharing is tables.

19. Pied Piper.

20. Yes. Tables. I see. It's a metaphor.

21. - It's a wonderful ad spot. - Yeah. We're all just tables.

22. I love what you've done with the place.

23. It's a really nicely done place.

24. Say, is that your dog?

25. It's a dog.

26. You and I have never really had much of a rapport, have we?

27. It's wanting.

28. Oh, look.

29. Well, we're almost there. Prepare to gather, everyone.

30. No, I didn't say to gather. I simply said prepare to gather.

31. - Monica, hey. - Oh, hey. How's it going?

32. - You holding up okay? - Not really.

33. I know. Her parties are always deeply weird.

34. Hey, um, I guess this is as good a time as any to say it,

35. but I'm really sorry for not getting Pied Piper.

36. And to be honest, it's really embarrassing to be so fucking wrong.

37. Well, here's the thing, you might not be.

38. What? What are you talking about?

39. Uh...

40. Okay.

41. So, well, Pied Piper launches and everything's great,

42. and we spent a fucking bazillion dollars, on the tables ad

43. and now we are almost at 500,000 installs, right?

44. - Yeah. What's the problem? - Well, as you know,

45. installs isn't really the metric that matters.

46. We need daily active users, people who come back to the platform.

47. Okay, so how many daily users do you actually have?

48. Okay, what would... What would be a number

49. that would make you say, "Oh, that's bad."

50. I don't know, like, 100,000?

51. Oh...

52. Are you less?

53. How much less?

54. - Nineteen thousand. - Nineteen thousand less than a...

55. - Eighty-one thousand? - No. No, just 19,000.

56. - That's the only number. - What?

57. - That's... That's terrible. - Yeah. I'm aware.

58. - Well, yeah, that's art, not a chair. - Uh... Oh.

59. Richard! Oh, my...

60. Wait, you haven't told Laurie yet, have you?

61. - No. - Okay. Well, who else knows?

62. - Dinesh and Gilfoyle? - No.

63. - Erlich?

64. No.

65. Well, apparently Jared knows.

66. Yeah, Pied Piper's sort of what I'm known for,

67. but I'm into a lot of cool stuff.

68. Like, a lot.

69. You seem surprised.

70. I'll give you an example. A few months ago,

71. I'm at my computer, freestyling,

72. just kind of jammin' out, you know.

73. Before I knew it, I had thrown together

74. the greatest video-chat app the world has ever seen.

75. So you invented Skype a few months ago?

76. Great ideas just sort of flow through me.

77. The platform, you know, it's sort of a group project,

78. but the video-chat app, that's my solo album.

79. - Oh, Robert. - I'm Dinesh.

80. What the fuck is going on with you?

81. Hmm?

82. Could you be more specific?

83. You're hiding something.

84. What? No, I'm not.

85. Everything's fine. You know, everything's fine.

86. That's a lie.

87. I could tell because you subscribe

88. to traditional Judeo-Christian mores of right and wrong.

89. You're made uncomfortable by untruth.

90. My commitment to LaVeyan Satanism grants me certain freedoms.

91. There is no good and evil, there's only self.

92. - Would you like a beverage? - Yes, I would.

93. Lie. You just want me to go to the bar and leave you alone.

94. Gil... You crack me up.

95. Lie.

96. I terrify you, as I should.

97. Get out of here.

98. Okay, thank you.

99. Okay, so, I just spoke with my friend who runs a market research firm.

100. - Mmm-hmm. - She's gonna set up a focus group

101. for the platform, put it in the hands of some real users,

102. and hopefully it'll be super-obvious what's going wrong.

103. - Okay, great. - Clink, clink, clink. Gather.

104. Faster, please. Gather faster. We're close.

105. We need to see the numbers change.

106. 499,995,

107. 499,996...

108. 499,997...

109. It's going great.

110. They've been engaging with the platform for about an hour now.

111. - They're just starting the Q and A. - Oh, great.

112. Thank you, everyone, for sharing your feelings

113. on the revolutionary new Pied Piper platform.

114. Now, Bernice, you say here that you were,

115. "Totally freaked out by the platform."

116. What specifically totally freaked you out?

117. Everything. Just every single thing about it.

118. Just, like, how it worked.

119. Now, who else found themselves totally freaked out by this platform?

120. Barry, Warren, Natalie, Martina,

121. Gwen, Amy, Walker and Clay.

122. You were all totally freaked out.

123. Was anyone not totally freaked out?

124. Clark? Good. What was your reaction?

125. It just made me feel stupid.

126. This file sync thing is confusing.

127. When I put videos into my main folder, it says it uploaded them,

128. but then I didn't see where they went.

129. It said stuff was on my phone and my iPad,

130. but when I looked at the memory, it said, "Zero K used,"

131. so stuff wasn't on there.

132. That's the platform. He's describing the platform

133. and what's great about it. Well, clearly he doesn't get it.

134. Clearly, none of these people get it. Maybe this is a bad group.

135. This is the fifth one today and it's the least hostile reaction we've seen.

136. Okay, well, everyone that I showed the beta to loved it. Loved.

137. - Oh, shit. - What?

138. Who did you give the beta to?

139. - Your friends. Engineers. - Well, yeah, Monica.

140. I wanted to give it to people who would understand

141. what I'm trying to do, so I could get useful feedback.

142. And with all due respect, I gave it to you,

143. the one person without a computing background,

144. and you said it felt engineered.

145. - Oh, shit. - Yeah.

146. You're trying to sell the platform to regular people,

147. but you never actually put it in the hands of regular people.

148. Like them.

149. Shouldn't there be a download button?

150. Did they honestly forget to add a download button?

151. You know what, Richard, why don't we just go...

152. I mean, who designed this thing?

153. I did. I designed it.

154. Excuse me? Who are you?

155. Uh, my name is Richard Hendricks, I'm the CEO of Pied Piper.

156. Oh, my God.

157. Oh, you're the one

158. - who forgot the download button.

159. Yes.

160. But no. No, actually, there is no download button because, well,

161. you don't need a download button. We're past that.

162. I mean, that's the old thing. This guy, actually,

163. he should have told you that.

164. I'm a moderator, not an advocate.

165. Okay, well, with Pied Piper,

166. you don't need to download anything or send anything at all,

167. anywhere, because the second you take a photo or a video

168. or compose a text message, it's on all of your devices instantly.

169. - So it's all on my phone? - Yes.

170. Wrong! It says, "Zero K used." So it's not on there.

171. Ah-ha!

172. Yes, well, that's the best part about the platform right there.

173. Yes, because you're right, it's not actually on the phone.

174. But you don't need it to be on the phone

175. if you can see it on the phone,

176. even though there's nothing there at all.

177. But... Where the hell is it?

178. Everywhere.

179. - And nowhere, sort of.

180. Let me... Let me just take a step back here

181. and explain it in a simpler way.

182. - Um, sorry, what was your name? - Bernice.

183. Bernice, what did you have for breakfast today?

184. - Scrambled eggs. - Scrambled eggs.

185. And what's in the eggs?

186. Electrons. Right?

187. And we all know how electrons exist in orbitals.

188. Multivalent states? No?

189. No one knows this? Okay.

190. Okay, that's fine. Bad example. That's on me.

191. I'll... I'm going to use the whiteboard here.

192. You're gonna... You're gonna love this. Okay.

193. Then, once we hit a critical mass of users,

194. the volume of data moving through the system

195. will enable the neural net to start optimizing the platform.

196. It will actually get smarter and faster all on its own.

197. Is that like when I'm texting

198. and my phone starts guessing what I'm going to say?

199. This goes way beyond autocomplete.

200. Actually, all of your devices will begin helping each other

201. in ways that we can't even design or predict.

202. Okay, but see, the problem is...

203. Terminator.

204. What? No. No, no. No, no, no. No.

205. I can assure you that there is no Skynet type of situation here.

206. No. Pied Piper will in no way become sentient and try to take over the world.

207. He just told us he couldn't predict it.

208. I'm just saying... Everybody died.

209. - Yeah. - You're right.

210. In those movies, there were a lot of casualties.

211. Quite scary to think. It's food for thought.

212. Speaking of...

213. Can we order some pizzas in here?

214. So, when we put our files into a Pied Piper folder,

215. they get split up into tiny bits

216. and spread across a network of other users' devices?

217. Yes, that's peer-to-peer distribution. Continue.

218. But they can't look at any of our files

219. because they only have tiny, scrambled pieces of them?

220. - Encrypted sharding. - Clark with the assist. Great.

221. - Uh, go on. - But we can look at any of our files anytime,

222. anywhere, even though they're not actually on any of our devices.

223. Yes. Yes, Bernice, that's it.

224. That's Pied Piper. That's everything.

225. So it's all on our phones even though it sort of isn't.

226. Oh, my God. That's awesome.

227. Isn't it? Yeah.

228. So, what do you think? Will you use Pied Piper now?

229. - Well, yeah, I think I will. - Me, too,

230. - now that you've explained how it works. - There you go.

231. That's what we've been aiming for.

232. They get it.

233. What's he smiling at?

234. This data was corrupted the second he walked in that room.

235. So we're tanking, and it's because we're too good.

236. That's one way of looking at it. Uh, yes.

237. Yes, we have created a product so far ahead of its time,

238. people are having difficulty wrapping their heads around it.

239. Well, then we just need to change the platform, right?

240. - We simplify it. - Well, we can't.

241. It's not as if I don't want to, it's just that we literally can't do it.

242. Um, if you build an airplane and people are afraid of anything that flies,

243. you can't just take the wings off of it because,

244. at that point, all you're left with is a really slow, super-expensive shitty bus.

245. No, we built an airplane, we gotta fly it.

246. What's the point of flying if it's fucking empty?

247. I think people will want to fly

248. once they realize how cool the platform is.

249. Guys, I know we're in a tough spot right now,

250. and I know we needed a quarter-million DAUs

251. in order to get our next round of funding, but this is it.

252. I think we can do this.

253. All we gotta do is just take every last dollar that we have,

254. which is... Sorry, Jared, what?

255. - Well, after the table ads...

256. the salaries, recruiter fees...

257. You know what? I haven't run the numbers.

258. It would be irresponsible to estimate.

259. Okay, is it less than a million dollars?

260. - Oh, God, yeah. - Okay.

261. - It's higher than 500,000, right? - Yeah.

262. I guess it's about $697,240.

263. But don't quote me on that.

264. Okay, we use that money to do outreach, tutorials,

265. user meet-ups, create a guerrilla marketing campaign

266. that explains how cool the platform is.

267. I know it's not ideal, but I really think we can pull this off.

268. Yeah, that seems doable.

269. Lie.

270. Or here's another idea. We could put the platform on hold,

271. take the money we have left, and pivot to something

272. that doesn't require hours of explanation.

273. You know, I've been showing people the video-chat app

274. - that I hacked together and... - Shut up, Dinesh!

275. You ungrateful pricks, all of you.

276. Your tepid response to our intrepid boss makes me ill.

277. His plan, will it work? Mmm-mmm.

278. Almost certainly not.

279. All of you will likely look back at this time in your lives

280. and realize you wasted a whole year with nothing to show for it.

281. But if this company is a plane, then this is Richard's goddamn plane,

282. and if he wants to fly it into the side of a fucking mountain,

283. that is his prerogative and it is our duty to climb on,

284. strap in and have a fiery death right behind him.

285. I don't... I don't know about that, but...

286. Richard, the floor.

287. Crashing aside, I think this is the plan, and,

288. really, what other option do we have?

289. Well, I know what option I have.

290. I can quit.

291. So I quit.

292. Okay. Any... Anybody else?

293. Guys, no.

294. Look, Douglas,

295. customer support is going to be a big part of this.

296. We need you guys if we're going to get 250,000 users.

297. I barely have any customers to support, Richard.

298. And the only way you're going to get that many users

299. is if you go to one of those click farms in Bangladesh and pay for them.

300. Good fuckin' luck, man. I'm out.

301. - Guys, wait. - Jared, let them go.

302. I have to do their exit interviews.

303. I guess I can do them on their walk to their cars.

304. Richard, we're better off without them.

305. Lie.

306. This is intolerable. A man can only take so much.

307. - Mmm-hmm. - Banished from my own company? No.

308. I'm just going to give them what they want.

309. I'm going to resign.

310. We can go to Haiti, build orphanages.

311. Haiti?

312. Is it not said that one should think globally and act locally?

313. I'm not acting at all.

314. Lao Tzu teaches the best fighter is never angry.

315. More important than the blow is knowing when to strike.

316. Like, perhaps, after we experience

317. the executive white water rafting trip in Coeur D'Alene?

318. Gavin, do you have a moment?

319. Yes.

320. Alone?

321. Of course. Denpok?

322. What?

323. Give us a moment, please?

324. Gavin, I'm really not supposed to be talking to you,

325. but there's something I think you should know about.

326. I'm listening.

327. A customer service rep that just left Pied Piper

328. is on campus right now interviewing for a job.

329. Why would anyone leave Pied Piper now?

330. I thought maybe you'd want to ask him yourself.

331. Well done.

332. Well done.

333. Okay. Thank you for coming in, Douglas.

334. - Yeah. - Right this way. Okay.

335. Uh...

336. Douglas.

337. Consider the possum. Nature's...

338. Gavin, if you're bringing another animal into this boardroom,

339. - this meeting is over. - Of course not. Don't insult me.

340. Gentlemen and lady of the Hooli board,

341. - I am the possum to which I refer.

342. Playing dead to outwit those who wish me harm.

343. But it's time to end the charade.

344. I'm sorry, Gavin. What charade?

345. For months, I've led the world to believe that my EndFrame division was pursuing

346. a broad-based compression platform in direct competition with Pied Piper.

347. But secretly, I knew that any such platform was destined to fail.

348. But Pied Piper is not failing.

349. It's the most popular app in the Hooli store.

350. One of the most installed, yes.

351. But I happen to know, because I make it my business to know,

352. that their daily active user numbers are abysmal.

353. So, you were never developing a platform.

354. Why didn't you tell us this?

355. Says the chairperson of the board that recently asked for my resignation.

356. Trust cuts both ways.

357. I thought it best to leave you out of it.

358. I'm sorry, Gavin,

359. I'm just finding all of this impossible to believe.

360. If you were never building a platform,

361. what did we just spend three-quarters of a billion dollars on?

362. - I'm not going to tell you.

363. Instead, I'm going to let the new head of product

364. for Hooli/EndFrame tell you.

365. Hello, everyone.

366. I'm Jack Barker, and I'm very excited

367. to introduce Hooli/EndFrame's newest product...

368. We call it The Box.

369. Pied Piper's loss is Hooli's gain.

370. May the best product win.

371. Can I get you a shirt, sir? There you go.

372. Actually, let me ask you a question, Emily.

373. What did you have for breakfast today?

374. - Um, yogurt. - Okay.

375. And we all know what's in yogurt, right?

376. Electrons. Multivalent states.

377. Welcome to the Pied Piper Informational Seminar.

378. Now, what is Pied Piper? Excellent question.

379. Here it is.

380. One of your Hooli/EndFrame boxes would go right here in this rack.

381. Okay, let me show you the next location

382. in which we would install one of your boxes.

383. - Congratulations, Jack. - And congratulations to you, Gavin.

384. - Hey, John? John? - John?

385. A lot of people have raised their hands

386. throughout this seminar saying, "Hey, is this thing like the Terminator?"

387. Uh, no. Not at all.

388. Hi, how big are your files?

389. Dodge Challenger?

390. Hoodie?

391. - John? - Yo!

392. - John? - John!

393. John!

394. This is Pied Piper, guys, okay?

395. If I could just explain it one more time.

396. Guys? Please don't leave. I beg you.

397. Hi, Bernice. Yeah.

398. We kind of thought we nailed it with tables,

399. but you say you want something light, fun, inviting.

400. But most of all, you want something that delivers

401. a step-by-step guide to all of the nuances of your platform.

402. - Yeah. - All of this with the caveat that

403. you don't have enough money for even a minuscule ad buy.

404. Yes, that's right.

405. That's a pretty small target to hit.

406. Anyway, here's what we came up with.

407. Oh, hello, welcome to Pied Piper.

408. How can I help you?

409. What in the name of fuck is that?

410. Well, his name is

411. Pipey, the Pied Piper piper.

412. He's fun. And, you know, the demo's interactive.

413. Just...

414. Looks like you want to compress a movie file!

415. Can I help? You know, with Pied Piper's revolutionary

416. neural network, optimized, sharded data distribution system,

417. it's just six clicks away! Follow me!

418. - I like it. - That's a fuckin' lie.

419. Yeah.

420. So, Richard, you want us to take the most sophisticated

421. and technically complex compression-based platform

422. - ever created and add that? - Still here!

423. Well, after the booths at CES and South by Southwest,

424. - all of our outreach, the Dodge Challenger... - Still here!

425. Plus, all the cost of working up, you know, this,

426. - we are pretty much all out of money. - Follow me!

427. Okay.

428. Uh-oh. Somebody seems confused!

429. Let me walk you through Pied Piper's proprietary

430. peer-to-peer content distribution system.

431. Richard? Are you indisposed?

432. Richard, can I come in?

433. Richard, I'm sorry the guys didn't like Pipey.

434. It's over, Jared.

435. Well, you know, a lot of animated characters have rough starts.

436. Early Bugs Bunny cartoons were just garish displays

437. of anti-Japanese hysteria,

438. and now he's the face of Warner Bros.

439. I'm not talking about Pipey, Jared. I'm talking about Pied Piper.

440. We're dead. We fought Gavin Belson, Russ, Hooli,

441. the lawsuit, that fucking Box,

442. all so we could build our platform the way we wanted to.

443. And we did, but I guess you just can't fight public opinion,

444. except for one woman named Bernice.

445. Face it, Jared, being too early is the same as being wrong.

446. Hey.

447. - We'll figure it out. - I don't know if we will.

448. Besides, I think I'm getting tired of being kicked in the balls.

449. Come on, we have a few weeks of runway left.

450. Uh, I don't want to say exactly how much.

451. Again, I'm not comfortable estimating, but...

452. Take what's left of it and divide it up amongst the guys.

453. I mean, it won't be anywhere close to what you're owed in back pay,

454. but at least it's something.

455. Don't give up. Richard, come on, not yet.

456. We've got to hang on, we've got to see what happens.

457. Something could turn around. I know it will.

458. - You really believe that? - Absolutely.

459. Gilfoyle's right, you're a terrible liar.

460. Um, just set an all-hands for tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

461. And I'll tell the gang.

462. It's over, Jared.

463. And lastly, our deal to furnish EndFrame boxes

464. to Maleant Data System Solutions has officially closed,

465. putting us far ahead of even the most optimistic profit targets

466. issued by this very board.

467. Gavin, it appears we owe you an apology.

468. We'd like to restore your full status as CEO and chair

469. with a significantly revised bonus and stock options package.

470. Thank you.

471. Of course, apology accepted.

472. I would like nothing more than to move forward

473. in a harmonious and productive manner.

474. Actually, with that in mind,

475. there's something I'd like to show you.

476. It's outside. Is that all right?

477. - A little field trip, if you will?

478. Just down here.

479. A little farther.

480. We're almost there.

481. Just out here, everyone. Almost there.

482. Consider the elephant.

483. Legend has it its memory is so robust it never forgets.

484. And I assure you, gentlemen of the Hooli board,

485. and lady, neither do I.

486. Okay, guys, uh,

487. we need to have a serious discussion about the future of the company.

488. What? Why is everyone smiling?

489. Richard, something happened last night.

490. The daily active users are up, way up.

491. - Look at it. Look. - Really?

492. Holy shit!

493. Did we just get 7,000 users in a day?

494. We sure did! We're back!

495. I don't know if it was the outreach

496. or the tutorials, but we seem to be getting traction.

497. Richard, you pulled us out of a nosedive.

498. Of course, inevitably, we will run out of fuel and plummet towards the Earth,

499. leaving only a crater behind of torn flesh and excrement,

500. but in the meantime, we are flying high!

501. Yeah. I guess we are.

502. You know, it's crazy, just last night I was

503. telling Jared that I thought we should shut down the company.

504. - Well, perfect timing then, huh?

505. Oh.

506. Excuse me. I should get this.

507. Hey, Jared.

508. - Are those numbers legit? - Of course.

509. - All right, then. - This is Jared.

510. So, are we happy?

511. Yeah. Worked out great.

512. So let's keep the 7,000 users that I bought

513. and add another thousand a day for the next week.

514. You got it, buddy.